Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blessings. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

A year of incredible changes

My Hubby pointed out a few nights ago how much things have changed in one little year. Let's start from October 1, 2007:
  • 10/07: We are working on evaluations, placements, therapy for Chris' PDD-NOS diagnosis
  • 10/1/07: I tell hubby I am pregnant, after Chris mentions something about a "baby sister" and I set up to donate Chris' baby stuff
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  • 10/1/07: Hubby is laid off from his job after only 3 months
  • 1/08: My IL's find out they are losing their house
  • 5/08: My IL's get their house back
  • 6/16/08: Gabriel is born
  • 9/08: Hubby is offered a new job, after a few other offers he declines from other firms
  • 9/29/08: We take Chris to a new pediatric neurologist and he tells us there is no way Chris is on the Autism spectrum (more on that to be posted this week)
  • 10/1/08: Hubby starts new job...and it is a year from finding out about my PG with Gabriel
It certainly has been a year of ups, downs, endings and beginnings.

And, I am pleased now...with all of it. I am grateful because without the downs, there could not have been the ups.

I guess this is what acceptance truly feels like. It is so good to be here, finally.

Friday, February 08, 2008

A revelation on my faith

That church I pass on the way to work had another good saying this week...

"Faith makes things possible...
Not easy."

Well, if that isn't a reality check...

Not that I was ever expecting my faith to be easy - I wasn't. I never have, especially having chosen the faith I did. But, I could never allow myself to understand why the God I had faith in would take three precious lives away from me...and I think something has clicked.

Enjoying this pregnancy - and having faith this it would continue on this far - has not been easy. But, it is possible...and preparing for that possibility is starting to take form, happily.

I am at peace with that faith now.

I will post updates soon. I know I have been a little neglectful of my blog, but there just hasn't been a lot of time between work, potty training Chris (which was a challenge in the beginning, but we are doing very well!), and trying to figure out the IL's housing situation.

To that end, until I can get back for a real update, please keep my IL's in your prayers. They are moving out of their home of 35 years this weekend, moving in temporarily with Hubby's aunt and uncle across the street until they can decide what the next move will be: Move in with us and fix up the attic to accommodate them, or prepare for the possibility that they may be able to buy their house back as a "new buyer" instead of trying to salvage the mortgage that was foreclosed on. It is a strong possibility that they will be able to buy the house back...hence the temporary move in with Hubby's aunt and uncle. We would love for them to be back in that house...so we ask for some prayers that might make that a possibility.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

A bittersweet Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day...a rather mixed bag for 2007.

As we celebrate the beginning of the holidays with both sets of families, we get to announce today the new, unexpected addition to the clan.

But, as we break the news to the family that doesn't know, we are also remembering that two years ago today, we lost Angel #2.

It will be a different experience, getting to tell the bulk of the family at 11+ weeks pregnant, since I was able to hide this pregnancy (for the most part). The lack of the mega-nausea has been nice.

But, while I am very happy to finally share the news, I still miss, very much, my second Angel. Life changed so much for us - for me - two years ago. This loss brought me way down emotionally to a point I never thought I could reach. Losing this baby was my first major fall, followed in March 2006 with the fall even further of losing Angel #3. It has taken me so, so long to recover from losing these babies...

Although I am still having a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of this baby staying with us, and making it to June, I am beginning to feel hope and faith that my body will do its job. I haven't felt this way since my pregnancy with Chris. It feels nice...it's been a while.

I am so very thankful today - for so many things: My Chris, my marriage, this new blessing, my family and friends...and the chance to learn from, remember, honor and cherish always my angels, who I know are watching over us.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. May this holiday season bless everyone.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Reconciling my feelings and beliefs

I have not been quiet about how I feel about my faith here on my blog... My relationship with God over the past two years has been, well, rather stormy - which, I suppose, is completely normal considering how things have been. It is not that I don't believe in God, or a divine being... But, the idea that the God I prayed to would rob me of three angels - babies that I took vows nine years ago to accept in to my life - was irreconcilable.

My faith had taken quite a downward spiral...

...At least, I think, until now.

I have created several posts on this blog about the church signs I see while on my way in to work, like: Quotes with meaning and Change is inevitable, Growth is optional.

The newest on to catch my eye was posted last week, on Wednesday as the trips for the betas began, was:

After the storm
comes the rainbow.

Rather a blatant sign, no? And, I don't mean sign as just a sign you pass on the road, but a sign as in God yelling out to me as loudly as he can:

"Hello? Are you paying attention?"

And, seeing that saying on the church board is not the only place I ran across it, in one form or another last week. I saw it in an e-mail from Di as she was going through the anniversary of losing her Leah; I was it in someone's siggy on FF, whom I have run across before and never saw the saying there before.

I felt like the Pavlovian dog, with God's saying being the reinforcer.

So, the sign got changed this morning...to this:

Let Jesus be a part
of that rainbow.

Now, I guess God can't be any clearer on what he's sending, right?

It has been a very long time since I went to mass...maybe since around Easter in April, 2006? But, we are going tonight, right after my counseling session, to give thanks to St. Gerard and to God for the blessing that appears to be holding on tightly. They have a Special Blessing of Expectant Mothers tonight, and I think it is very important I go. Not just because I find myself pregnant and can use all of the help I can get - but, because there is some kind of divine intervention going on here for me - between the psychic readings, Chris' prompt to test, the signs in this post - I owe it to God to say thank you...and to acknowledge that I am finally listening...

...Or, at least trying to.

There are many more hurdles to jump before I am comfortable with the idea of being pregnant again....and of bringing a baby home in June: The u/s on 10/24, making it past 9 weeks (the farthest I have been able to get since my pregnancy with Chris), just to name a few.

But, it is very hard to try to have faith - even with all of the positive signs being thrown at me - when you have been knocked down three times over. One minute, I want to look forward to buying new maternity clothes (specially from here) to compliment what I have saved from my pregnancy with Chris, digging out the toys Chris enjoyed so much as an infant, moving things around to make way for a new person in the house....and the next, I am sitting there thinking how I am no where out of the clear yet, how I am going to react to not seeing a heartbeat again on the u/s screen, how I am going to un-tell the very few people who know I am pregnant right now.

It is very hard to let go of the past...and allow myself to dream again.

I want to dream. I want to be happy. I want to be able to touch my tummy and say "Hi, I love you more than words can say" But, I don't remember how...and it is making it very hard for me to reconcile my feelings and beliefs.

I know I have to let things happen as they happen... Be grateful for each day I get to carry this baby, which came to us in a way I had so hoped for all of my life... To trust in God that he knows what he is doing, and he will provide what we can handle in time.

I just wish this were a little easier...

Saturday, July 21, 2007

My passion feeds me

You know that "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar I have?? The one I have posted quotes from this past year?

Well, I got this one this morning....
"My passion feeds me.
* Don't ever get too busy for your passion"
And, you know what?

...I have become too busy for my passion.

Actually, I am not sure WHAT my passion is anymore!

How sad is that? But, when you worry about so many things that are beyond your control - and you learn how to shut it off - you realize that the worry, the sadness, the anxiety has robbed you of so many things.

I do have some passions in my life, like my Chris, my husband, my family and friends, my garden, reading, writing, baking, constant music of all genres, sharing my story of IF and Recurrent Loss. But, time has been short lately for most of them...like I mentioned in yesterday's post (Warped perceptions). I don't seem to have that drive to want to really pursue some of them, like reading and writing.

However...

Something has come into my soul that needs an outlet...

Something that has never been realized...

Something I tried when I was about nine years old and quit because it just wasn't me at the time... (besides, what do you really know anyway at nine years old??)

I've decided that, once these programs are over on August 4th (14 days away!!) and time is a little less fleeting, I am actually going to try my hand (**literally**) on playing an instrument.

Whoah!

Where'd that come from??

Well, I love - just LOVE - music. Almost all kinds (well, except for the hard-core, gangster rap - although I love the old-school rap of Run DMC)...especially prog rock (shocking, if you look at my current side-bar). Always have - there is not a moment in the car when something isn't playing on the radio or CD changer. My rides to school on the cheese bus were always with headphones on. My CD collection is very eclectic - from Broadway show tunes, to prog rock, to classic rock like the Beatles, the Who, to classical music, to dance/techno, etc., etc. People would think I am on some sort of trip if they really looked at what I have in my collection. But, I have this need to feel what the music is...the meaning of the songs I am listening to (which is really my main love for prog rock - there is always a hidden meaning somewhere). Sometimes I leave a CD behind (like Queensryche's Mindcrime II) because it just isn't clicking for me and go back to it months or years later until I "get it."

But, after seeing Rush in concert a couple of weeks ago, something changed in me... I am a huge, and I mean HUGE, Queensryche fan - have been for more years than I can count now. I can sing almost every lyric to every song (not that my voice is great, but to me when I am singing, it is. HeeHee!). I have seen them in concert about at least five times, have met the band at Meet & Greets about three times. They put on a GREAT show. Their music calls to me - radiates around things that have happened in my life and I can identify with.

BUT...

But,
I can honestly say I have never walked away from a Queensryche concert truly emotionally moved... Inspired by the energy they give off to the crowd and the crowd fed back to them. Amazed that they are playing older songs like they are playing them for the first time. Truly grooving to the music they created as they play show after show after show...

That changed after leaving the Rush show...with me almost wanting to beg at their feet to play more.

Like, I would have EVER touched backstage at that show! Talk about pipe dreams!

Leaving that concert, I came to the realization that, although I love to listen to music, I need to feel the music too. Rockin' out to the music with my car windows open just isn't enough anymore.

Does that make sense?

So, after some thinking and pondering and grooving in the car, I've decided I want to try my hand at this:

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Geddy Lee's Fender Jazz Bass Artist Series guitar that Hubby is buying for me tomorrow (used with a discount of course from the assistant store manager over at a local instrument shop that is owed to him - cool lookin' no?) along with this:

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which is already sitting in my living room (my amp is a little different from this, but you get the idea).

Now, Hubby already being the guitar player that he is (uh, 30 years worth at this point!), HAS a purple bass guitar in the house - I have noodled with it already (with Chris, who LOVES it!). But, Hubby is so amazed that I have this passion to try my hand at an instrument (my dabble in playing anything was in the 4th grade when I tried flute - after 3 months, it was a disaster...no passion for it nor a desire to evey practice it!) that he felt I needed something superb to play to keep me going (and, well, if I hate it, HE has a great bass guitar!). Plus, he feels that since I am math inclined anyway, bass is perfect for me since it is really a "mathematician's instrument" to play.

So, we will see where this goes over the next few months. We are going to try to set aside 45 minutes one night a week to really give me lessons (any music reading is LOOOONG gone from my brain, and we are going to try to get it back), and see how much I have a desire to play on my own...

Whoah!

Am I sure I really want to do this?!?!

I am excited...and maybe this will give me the chance to relax and forget a bit and let other things happen when they should...

Friday, April 13, 2007

God gives life, God takes away life

As a follow-up to yesterday's post... My co-worker lost her BIL yesterday to cancer - which is why she rushed out before noon. We found out this morning...the funeral is on Monday.

Interesting how God gives the world a new life, yet God takes another life away...all on the same day.

Please keep my co-worker in your prayers that she, her sister and her sister's family find peace on their time of sorrow.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that has been brewing in my mind for a few days...

I took a much-needed day off on Tuesday - I figured I needed to take time for the thyroid u/s and wouldn't be in to work until close to 11 am anyway, so I might as well take the day off and catch up with Zia for our long-overdue trip to the Westfield Center.

To backtrack a bit, we made a trip well over a year ago after she told me about this faboo smoothie place in town - and, after that, we kept trying to schedule a time when we could go again. Since she had off from school this week, it seemed the best time for her. And, well, I wanted a day off too.

So, I headed over to her house after I was done with the ultrasound and, well, caught her a bit earlier than she had expected. Oops. But, I got to hang out with Buddy-Buds, her cat - whom is probably one of the handful of cats I am endeared to in my lifetime (not that I am a cat-hater, but I am allergic to them, specifically long-haird cats, so I don't go around them too much), for a while and who enjoyed curling up in my lap. When Zia was done getting dressed, we headed out for lunch.

I forget the name of the place we went to for lunch, but can you say YUMMY!!! Oh, I am sooo glad my anxiety is under control now - had this been in the fall, I doubt I would have even eaten one sweet potato fry on my plate. It was delicious - so much so, I have to get Hubby to go there. Afterwards, we went over to the Smoothie-Palace, where there are so many choices and combos to choose from, you are standing there with your mouth open drooling for 15 minutes to make your choice. We got our smoothies (totally delicious!) and went walking and shopping.

The first place we went to (and the gist of this post) was a kinda new-agey place, where you can buy incense, Tarot cards, relaxation CDs, and other "soul-directing" items. We had been in this place before - but, that was a long time ago...and I think we both considered it rather, well, cookie, at the time. But, we went in with our smoothies and walked around the place a few times, picking up this and that when we settled on what are called Oracle Cards. There was a very pleasant lady (not sure if she owned the place) who came over to us and started explaining what the Oracle Cards are and how they work. She spent quite some time with us...and was very kind.

So, we kind of got into explaining the hurts and heartaches in our lives - about IF and miscarriage and recurrent miscarriage. And, zeroing in on Zia a bit. she said something very poignant to Zia that really struck me hard:

She said to Zia that (and I am paraphrasing here, since I don't remember word for word what the lady said) she should not try, wish, hope or pray for her wants and hearts desires, but to visualize on her wants and make them come true with her power of will.

Kinda reminds you of what Yoda says to Luke Skywalker in Star Wars as he is learning the ways of the Force (yes, I am married to a Star Wars-a-holic):
"No, try not, do or do not...there is no try..."
Which leads me back to what has been brewing in my head for the past few days...and what Zia and I talked about for a little bit after leaving the store...

When I was expecting my last angel baby, I was so, so guarded about the pregnancy. I really didn't enjoy the short time I was pregnant - I didn't want to talk about it too much, didn't want to hope too much, didn't want to pray too much. I was too afraid to hope and have the rug pulled out from under me again like when I was waiting to miscarry in 11/05. So, I opted to just go about the motions of the day and not hope, pray, wish at all. When I finally let hope and faith enter my heart a little bit, I let myself look around the baby sections of stores and see what new things had come out since Christopher was born - the things maybe I would need if this pregnancy was a healthy one. I let myself change my siggies on the message boards I was on - telling everyone I was, in fact, pregnant. I let myself talk about being pregnant a little bit to those close to me. I let myself laugh and joke with Hubby about the baby in Dr. D's waiting room before the u/s, with him drawing cute things in my notebook of questions.

Of course, that lasted less than a week. I found out the baby had died the week before...days before I started hoping, praying, asking God for this pregnancy to last.

This is one of the guilts I carried for a long time, and took months to finally set free from me. For months after the miscarriage, my mind would always ask, "What if I had prayed/begged more to God for this pregnancy to hold?" "What if I talked to this angel more like I did when I was pregnant with Chris - asking her, begging her not to leave me?" "What if I was not as guarded about the pregnancy, and let myself enjoy it more?"

At that time, I was "trying" - not "doing." I was not willing my heart to believe this angel would stay with me. I was not willing my heart to enjoy the time, albiet short, I had with her.

Would my angel have stayed with me? Probably not. I truly believe now it was not her time to be here on Earth. I needed to learn to slow down my life a bit, enjoy it for what it is, and refocus my life. Once I did that, maybe another child would come to us in his/her own time - well, as much as we can allow that anyway when you have to plan for meds, u/s's and IUI's.

So, as I look upon TTC again, how I will react when/if I found out the cycle works? Can I let hope in earlier this time? Can I "do" and not "try" this time?

Obviously, I don't know that yet. But, at least I am armed with knowledge this time around: I know what has been causing the miscarriages and am being treated for them. That reduces my risks of another miscarriage some - but not completely. I want to be hopeful - but I also don't want to be blindsided again.

But, I don't think I can be blind-sided again, can I?

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I Believe in Miracles

On September 14, 2006, I wrote this post immediately after vacation: How my miscarriages have brought forth new life. That was the day Suzi (Hubby's cousin) told us she was engaged...and expecting.

Suzi's news that day - with her taking into account my pain and sorrow after losing three babies in her decision on what to do when she found out she was pregnant and not married (or engaged for that matter) - was the real turning point in my coming to peace with my losses. Of course, there was some stumbling and some joy along the way after that day, but this particular day was the first time I could see my losses looked upon in a positive light. My angels were gone from this world, but they have a legacy to share with our family. A legacy of hope and promise.

Well, Angelina Claire was born at 12:02 am this morning - weighing in at 8 lbs 14 oz and 20 1/2 inches long! I will post pics in this post later (as soon as I get them) - so watch for them! I will be visiting tonight with my MIL at the hospital - and I can't wait!

ETA: Here are the pics:

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But, she is even more of a miracle this morning than she was on that September afternoon...

Suzi's labor was not bad at all for a first-time mommy - her labor started with a leak (not gush) of amniotic fluid overnight Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. She went to see her doctor early Wednesday afternoon and was sent right over to the hospital. Her labor pains were not bad at all - even with pitocin started around 7 pm to bring her into a more active labor. She chose not to get the epidural until 10 pm last night because the labor pains just weren't bad enough for it yet. After the epidural was in place, she moved quickly to 10 cm dilated and the pushing started. From what CooKoo Anty (Suzi's mom) told us, Suzi really worked hard at pushing - Suzi is only 5'3" tall, and very slim by nature... Pushing an 8 lb 14 oz baby into the world is not quite an easy job for someone so slim! But, she was finally born at 12:02 am - screaming, chubby, pink, alert, perfect Apgar scores, happy!

But, when the placenta was delivered, Angelina's birth this morning became even more of a miracle than just being conceived, wanted and loved:

The cord was short and there was a huge knot in the middle of it.

No one can say when the knot occured, although it is safe to say it wasn't recent since Angelina took up SOOOO much room in Suzi's tummy. Suzi's ob/gyn pulled CooKoo aside after the placenta was delivered and told her that this baby was truly a miracle -- with this cord complication, she was astounded that Angelina was not born still. She is truly a miracle - from conception to birth.

...So, you can only imagine how I (and the entire family) feel about this news right now.

To say I am really without words beyond what I am posting today is putting how I feel mildly. It really puts you in awe of God and miracles on Earth. I truly believe that my angels were watching the entire time, taking care of little Angelina with this complication that there was no way of knowing about until now. Suzi cared enough for my heartache to make that a part of her decision to keep this baby - I think my angels repaid her ten-fold with guiding this baby into the world without harm. I feel such a strong connection - much stronger than before - to God and to my angel babies, more than I can ever put into words. It defies all sense and logic - and to question this, like I have questioned Christopher being here despite my issues now, is pointless.

Angelina is very deserving of this name - a name she was not given until she was born. Much like Christopher was named right when he was born - the name just came to us the second we held him and touched his face.

So, I send this song to her and her new family... She is truly a miracle to us. May she bring us joy for so many years to come.

MIRACLE
By Celine Dion

You're my life's one miracle
Everything I've done that's good
And you break my heart with tenderness
And I confess it's true
I never knew a love like this 'til you

You're the reason I was born
Now I finally know for sure
And I'm overwhelmed with happiness
So blessed to hold you close
The one that I love most
Though the future has so much for you in store
Who could ever love you more

The nearest thing to heaven
You're my angel from above
Only God creates such perfect love

When you smile AT me I cry
And to save your life I'd die
With a romance that is pure in heart
You are my dearest part
Whatever it requires
I live for your desires
Forget my own, your needs will come before
Who could ever love you more

There is nothing you could ever do
To make me stop loving you
And every breath I take
Is always for your sake
You sleep inside my dreams
And know for sure
Who could ever love you more

On another note for today - please keep one of my co-workers in your prayers today. I posted earlier that her BIL is very ill from cancer - well, he has taken a turn for the worst this past weekend and has said his goodbyes to his children. She just left work this morning - her sister needed her to come over to the hospital...which is not good news. Please keep her in prayers.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Positive Affirmations

A fellow (anonymous) blogger posted this on her blog - and I am here to spread it for her.

Tell 5 good things about yourself or good things you have accomplished here lately. Pat yourself on the back! You deserve it. If you want/need to remain anonymous, go right ahead. But I want to hear from you. And it will do you some good. So 1, 2, 3 GO!
  1. I have been able to go more days without Xanex than with over the past three weeks!
  2. My last miscarriage anniversary passed without tears, anxiety or anger. I have become peaceful with where my journey had taken me thus far, and have more hope for the future of our family.
  3. I have become assertive with people when I need to be, instead of backing down from a disargeement - even though I know I am right.
  4. I had a great first parent-teacher conference for Chris today - he is doing very well at his nursery school, and I was told that has a lot to do with how myself and my husband follow-up with what is taught in class.
  5. I have gone back to doing yoga, now that my stitches are healed. And, it just feels great!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Livin' for today

First, I want to thank Melissa over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Gesters for her post on her latest Friday Blog Round-up. It was very sweet of you to mention my last post - and because of that, I have received more comment on my blog than ever before (not sure who are new readers or not, but that doesn't matter to me). The response was more than I could have imagined, and in line with my post Paying It Forward, I will be making more stops this week to other blogs to comment.

I also wanted to thank all of the commenters that stopped in last week - your thoughts and comments were very kind and supportive. I greatly appreciate it. Even though I have finally come to terms with my path and have grown because of it, that still doesn't mean I am not sad it all. Your support means a lot to me. I never started this blog for "popularity" or attention reasons - I started it to get my feelings out of me (and learn from them) and to maybe help just one person who has walked a similar path I had laid before me. I hope I have done that to some degree.

So, on to some "catch-up's," since I haven't posted for a few days...

Last Monday morning, I got my semi-infamous stitches out of my chin for my I feel like a total horse's ass right now... fall. The resulting Rosacea rash from the band-aid covering the "laceration" is finally clearing up, so I am looking a little more back to normal now. I know I still owe pics of the "wound" - I will get to it this week (we do need to have the "after" pics, don't we??). But, at least you really can't see it - you have to know I fell to notice where the scar will be. Yeah!

My dad popped his hip replacement out early last Tuesday morning... Spent the entire day (from 5:30 am until about 4:00 pm) in the ER trying to figure out how the hip would get put back in. I am curious to know what was going on - the ER was so jammed packed, they had beds throughout the hallways of the ER! Anyways, around 9 am, we got tired of waiting for any information on what was going to be done and we called the surgeon's office who did his hip replacement surgery in January, only to find out he was skiing in Wyoming. Oh, joy! So, the receptionist at the office talked to one of the partners and got a covering doc down to the ER around 12 noon. Finally, after general anesthesia (the local anesthesia was not working), they pushed his hip back in and we had him transported home via abulance once he was coherent enough to go home. He saw the surgeon on Friday - he's home for two weeks from work, and must limit his movement to what he had post-op. Once he is ready to go back to work, he HAS TO resume his exercises (which was one of the factors in the hip popping out in the first place!) and has to be careful of how he moves. What a moron my dad can be... He popped it out putting his work shoe "the old way." So, that blew a sick day...

Work has been insane this and last week... Not that I mind now, since balancing things is getting a little easier. Just means less blog and BG time. :( Rats...

Friday I went for my follow-up at the Dr. S' office (the endocrinologist). After her exam and reviewing my latest bloodwork and what has been going on in terms of symptoms for the past few months, I have been officially diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I started Levoxyl on Friday and go back in two months for repeat thyroid bloodwork. I also have to go in on April 10th for an ultrasound of the thyroid since my gland feels "grainy" now. I hope over the coming weeks that the symptoms begin to subside a bit - although I am really hoping that I don't lose any more weight on this medication. Guess we have to wait and see on that one.

Chris came down with another stomach virus on Saturday... I am beginning to feel like such a bad mother because this was his fourth stomach virus in less than three years! I keep a relatively clean house...so I just wish I knew where he was picking them up from! We got very concerned on Saturday because his fever spiked up to a little over 104 degrees - and he has never had a fever that high! So, we called the ped and was told that if it didn't come down in an hour after motrin and a tepid bath, to take him to the ER. Luckily for us, it did come down, although it hovered around 101 degrees through Sunday morning. Finally, after a 3 1/2 hour nap starting at 3 pm yesterday, he started to feel better and is now his old self...

However, here is my newest issue that I am having a hard time dealing with:

Every time Chris has had a stomach virus, I get it. Sooooo, of course I am sitting here watching for every freakin' sign of impending doom of hurling. I talked to Hubby about it last night - it is such an irrational thought to constantly wonder if I am going to get the latest virus, but the idea just won't leave my head. I have spend the better part of a year feeling like I had a stomach virus due to the anxiety I had - and I am so tired of feeling that way. Plus, the achiness of the Hashi's had made that feeling worse. So, that spills over into my constant worry about getting this latest virus.

I know, a virus is a rather short-lived thing. Chris starting acting sick around 10 am Saturday morning, and by Sunday evening was very much himself - so, if I do get it, it is only 24 hours or so out of my life... But, I HATE, HATE, HATE that feeling of barfing (not that anyone does!). And, I have had such a hard time getting it out of my head...until I was walking today and heard this song:

Live For Today
Natalie Grant

Sittin' in my room staring at the wall
Wonderin' about the meaning of it all
Why is it this thing called life
Has got me goin' crazy
So I open up your word and let it speak to me
The purpose and the plan that you've designed
Is clear to see, and I believe

Chorus:
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna live it for today

You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
very single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is How...

Repeat Chorus

If I just live for the moment like I have been, maybe the worry of this freakin' virus will subside. Please send some healthy vibes, because I don't feel like giving up a day for puking.

I am still waiting for the Red Storm to arrive. My boobs are so sore that just looking at them hurts. Alas, tomorrow is CD 77...and, I am starting to think that maybe "77" might be a sign. My last two cycles were 77 days long - and, if my period holds out until Wednesday, then this cycle will be 77 days too. Anyone know what the signifigance of "77" might be? For right now, the most logical one to me would be that maybe 7-2007 might be a good month to start TCC (I go back on 7/2/07 for a follow-up with the endocrinologist - and would be cleared to TTC by her if my TSH is below 2.0 by then). Any takers on this one???

So, to cheer my day today... Here are some fun things to share:

Team Winks left the following comment on my post Okay, now for some summer-preview fun...:
"Oh, just wait till you hit your site meter. I truly found your blog by putting in "bathing suit" +"34DDD" Yup, I certainly saw that it was a blog, but hell, trying to find a bathing suit with those dimensions is tough work!"
Now, I have been blogging for a year...and it never occurred to me that posting those dimensions without a "." in between the 34 and the DDD would leave me open to searches for the bra size!! Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Too funny! Well, I will have to watch my site meter now! Thanks, Team Winks, for the heads up and the laugh! Who knew something that simple would probably bring in the pervs!

Oh, and I have to mention that, while I was walking today, I got my first wistle from a guy in a passing car (or, really, hot-rodded-up pick-up truck). WoooHooo! Only took me 34 years for that to happen -- alas, though, the poor college guy probably had no idea that I am more than ten years older than him! But, I'll take the wistle anway!

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Brrrr... Baby, it's cold outside!!

As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have been reading the book:




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I am close to done with it...skipping over some of the chapters that don't apply to me (like menopause - at least I can say THAT is not in my immediate future!).

In my counseling session on Tuesday, I had mentioned to Dr. P how reading this book has giving me some tools to use to start reclaiming my life - things that he had suggested I try, but explained in a way that makes sense to me.

The most important technique I have learned about in this book is something I have been doing all along without being aware of it - Mindfulness.

Mindfulness or being mindful is being aware of your present moment. You are not judging, reflecting or thinking. You are simply observing the moment in which you find yourself. Moments are like a breath. Each breath is replaced by the next breath. You're there with no other purpose than being awake and aware of that moment. As John Kabit Zinn says reflecting on a Japanese mindfulness puzzle: "Wherever you go, there you are."

My daily walks - those two miles on the track, observing the butterflies dance and follow me... those two miles of releasing the daily tensions that I could not let go of - are what had helped me through my life until I stopped taking them when the weather got colder. My last walk was in very late November, after Thanksgiving, after the anniversary if my second miscarriage.

So, despite it only being 32 degrees this afternoon, I changed into my favorite, well-worn-out yoga pants and way-too-big long-sleeved t-shirt, bundled myself up in my scarf, gloves and coat, and headed out for that two mile walk (new PORTABLE XM Radio plugged in my ears).

Brrrr... Baby, it's cold outside!!

I was amazed at how peaceful it was - again. No one was on the track...except for me, the left-over patches of snow and the Canadian geese scrummaging for food. It was cloudy when I headed out for the walk - but, as I made my first turn, the sun peered through the fluffy snow-filled clouds, like the sun was only shining for me today. I felt like I did the first time I set out to walk - yet, still had the stamina for two miles. It was freshing and peaceful...it was something that was missing. It was brisk, but cleansing.

Funny thing about the Canadian geese is that they had fun watching me walk - and at one point, three of them decided to fly around and circle, like they were doing the dances my butterflies used to dance for me during the summer and fall. So, for them, I walked in the snow...like we did when we were children. It has been a long time since I have found snow to be fun.

Mindfulness...

Anyways, have to share some fun pics... These are of my new boots (this pair is in brown suede - I bought another pair in black too). One of the ladies I work with has termed these my "Hoochie Boots."

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Who knew I would be able to walk around in four inch platform boots without falling! I am in no way a fashion-plate, but since I have lost my 30+ pounds, I have been enjoying my new look (including newest hair-do, which I will post pics of this weekend!). I am enjoying buying some trendy items...and, weather-permitting, will be going on another shopping spree this weekend (on my own, since trips to the store by myself have been getting much easier) with my birthday money.

Watch out world, these boots are made for walkin'! Too bad I am just figuring out how to walk in them now...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Updates, new perspectives and time for change

Now that the Crimson Witch is gone (and the Lexapro-proof PMS crap that went with her), I truly feel I am making some progress in healing me.

I feel like the CD's I own, many collecting dust with scratches etched into them - mainly because there have been several points in time since November 2005 where I thought I was healing and moving on from my miscarriages and the resulting upheaval of it all, but I was just deluding myself. However, this time - for real - healing and letting go is just around the corner, finally tangible, finally here.

First, for the updates of the various events that sent me up for the tailspin that was 2006:

My mom got her casts off on January 8th. Her right knee is stiff, but healed. She can move it now, except going down stairs is still a challenge since the knee is not used to the movement. She has to be very careful that she doesn't trip again. Her nose is healed too - bumpy now, but healed. Her left hand, however, is looking a little odd. It is, according to the x-rays, healed. But, it is swollen and stiff. The doc moved it on her when he came out to talk to her after my dad's surgery last week (they see the same orthopedist) and it swelled up even more. She may need him to look at it again - but, luckily, a neighbor of hers is a physical therapist and is going to show her some exercises to do to maybe help first. She has to be careful though - with the knowledge that she has had a mini-stroke already, she needs to watch for signs now.

My dad had his hip replacement surgery on Janaury 10th - and did amazingly well. Considering he has to limit what he does for a while, he moves better and is in less pain than before. Amazing. He was transferred to the in-facility rehab on January 13th and is a little behind on rehab because of the MLK holiday on Monday and swelling of his leg on Tuesday morning. But, he is catching up and will be coming home this Saturday. He will receive in-home rehab after that and is scheduled to return to work around March 15th. I have a feeling my mom is going to have a hard time kicking his fanny out the door to go back to work.

** Have to add a good laugh here about my brother in Texas. He called my mom and told her she and dad were giving him stomach pains, with all that is going on here in NJ. Is he for REAL??? He has done absolutely nothing for them (and actually complained because his kids didn't get as much for Christmas this year as they normally get - how about they get a disability check to live on??) from Texas, and isn't planning on coming up at all. There is nothing "in it" for him. So glad he is in pain... **

My FIL is back to work and it appears all signs of infection in his foot is gone - the pic-line was removed because he no longer needs the IV antibiotics (although he is still on orals ones). The doc hopes that now the wound will heal for good - without a graft. Time will only tell us that. He's just mad because the doc won't let him use a cane yet - he still has to use the walker, and he hates it.

As for myself, our windows are in, so our living room will hopefully be done soon! Hubby is getting them today. Yeah! Can't wait for that room to be done - then we move on to the much-awaited and needed overhaul of the Pit of Hell (AKA the Kitchen!). I will have to post pics of the Pit soon - it is a beaut!

TTC will be delayed for a while - for how long, I don't know. I called Dr. D yesterday for new prenatals (which I can see on the Walgreens website had NOT been called in yet - and I know it is going to be pharmacy error. ** Uh, update! Duet DHA Combo Pak (Reformulated) is now in.** ) and had to ask the question: Can I TTC while on Lexapro?

We upped the dosage of Lexapro to 10 mg on January 2nd because I was still needing the extra .25 mg of Xanax around dinnertime and I wasn't comfortable with having to do that. So, the upped doseage has really helped to get me to bedtime and the .5 mg Xanex I take before going to sleep (although the PMS hit me hard this time around - the period itself last week, after a 77 day cycle, wasn't too bad. But, the moodiness was horrible and the med combo barely worked.). Dr. McC wants to see if we can now cut back on the Xanex at bedtime to .25 mg and if that works over this coming weekend, we will consider cutting out the Xanex completely in a couple of weeks. If the weekend is rough, we will wait to cut the Xanex out.

Scary.

Anyways, getting back to TTC and Lexapro... I know Xanex and TTC is a BIG no-no. So, TTC can't happen until I am off Xanex. But, I assumed I could maybe be off Xanex by April, so maybe April would be a good month to start TTC again. Later than originally hoped for in January, but not too far off that I will be turning 35 yet. Several women have said their ob/gyn's were okay with TTC on Lexapro (you just need to be off of it by the start of the 3rd trimester) - but, I needed to hear Dr. D's opinion from the horse's mouth. I have too many complications to deal with in TTC as it is - I can't complicate things by taking a med behind his back.

His answer was: NO. I have to be off it before TTC.

Surprisingly, I am okay with the answer. In a weird sort of way, it takes the pressure off of me to set a date to start TTC again - it forces me to make sure I am well physically and, more importantly, emotionally before I get back on that ride. Plus, it gives me time to really speak with Dr. S about the thyroid antibodies I am testing positive for - my MIL gave me a very interesting article from the Neward Star Ledger (which is also on nj.com) on sub-clinical thyroid disease and positive antibody screens that researchers are finding if left untreated prior to pregnancy, miscarriage and preterm birth rises dramatically. She wanted my TSH below 2.0 before TTC anyway (she seems to be up on this research I read in the article) - so, it gives me time after my March 23rd appointment to see where my TSH is then, start meds for it, and make sure that the TSH is down to where she wants it.

The answer also gives me the chance to really consider ending this TTC journey for good. I have Chris to think of, first and foremost. What's the point in sacrificing my soul and ours as a family just to be pregnant again and make my family "complete"? How can I be a good mommy if I am not a healed spirit?

Now, for some new perspectives and other realizations I am gaining for myself:

Dr. P feels that I have been trying to please everyone around me - either by keeping the peace with my family (not with Hubby and Chris, but I mean my family growing up) by always being the "good kid" or by always "saving the day" when a problem comes up at work. I have to stop doing that and learn to say "I will try to help, but I may not be able to in the end." Again, I am trying to control something...and I have to learn I can't. I have to learn to find a balance of helping and not being a slave for affection. I have already begun to try to change this by not rushing around at work and making my sister pick up some of the load of visiting my dad and helping my mom. And, with each baby step I make, my stomach aches a little less, my hands shake a little less.

To help with the trying to give up the control, I am seriously considering going for acupuncture (Dr. McC recommended it). Going for a class for something like yoga is not my cup of tea - I hate taking classes like that. So, acupuncture might help with the start of relaxing and rebalancing...and maybe even with my cycles. More on that later - trying to get answers to what is covered with insurance has already been a hassle! But, I am NOT stressing about it...really.

I like having my time in the evenings to read and relax. I can't remember the last time relax entered my brain. I can sit and dive into a book and not think about work, chores, rants, my health. I can breathe.

I like being able to go out to the store and not panic over a simple thing. I went shopping for shoes and other things I needed on my own, and I was okay with it. It has been a long time since I was comfortable doing it - I was becoming a hermit.

My "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote last week:
"Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty," by Doris Day
How we look at something often determines what it is.

I have been looking at my miscarraiges and infertility as my personal flaw, my cross to bare. Sure, it is. But, I have so much to give thanks for in my life - it outweighs those "flaws" I see in myself. I have let these "flaws" define my life instead of absorbing them into the small piece of me that they are. I have to end the complaining and begin the celebrating. I am more than just a recurrent miscarrier. I am more than just an infertile (and infertile again). I am a women with family and friends, interests and loves, likes and dislikes. I am a woman with hope and faith and charity to give. I am more than just my cross I bare.

Lastly, there is a wind of change coming for my life, and I am liking it.

Yet again, my "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote on Tuesday:

"How about spending a whole year focusing on the positive aspects of having children in our lives? Sometimes the stress of all we do can cause us momentarily to forget. This year, let's make it a point to appreciate them.

Children keep us young."

This quote was so right-on, I began to cry. The "jobs" of motherhood - the laundry, the diaper changing, the potty training, the illness caring and preventing, the schedule arranging - have been my focus for too long. How did I fall into this? Probably to try to find some control in my life because this was not my focus before starting to TTC #2 in July 2005. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for Chris - except I was sacrificing my time (and HIS) playing with him. Play time was not "perfect" - he played, I watched. I should have been playing with him all along and enjoying it. I used to laugh when he laughed, learned when he learned. But, I was just watching and thinking about what chores I had yet to do.

As I had mentioned in my post Some more self-realizations, I have lost so much time with Chris that I will never be able to get back. I have watched him grow more from the sidelines than as an active Mommy and that has to end. Yesterday, we had a Dance Party in our living room, after working the day at home. His giggles just blew any stress I felt out of the water - and I was relaxed and acting like a goofball. The smile on his face was priceless to me...kinda a "Where have you been all year?" face. It was something I hadn't done with him in a long time (God! He weighed a lot less! I can barely swing him around anymore!).

So, I am going to dedicate every Friday to special posts about Chris - to post things that either he does now that are hilarious to me, or his changes from baby to toddler that amaze me, or whatever strikes my fancy on any given Friday. He is my #1 blessing - and I need to allow myself to celebrate that. I fought for him to be here - more than I ever realized when I was pregnant with him. I hope everyone can enjoy the things I see on Fridays.

Going to go finish my book now... :)

Friday, December 01, 2006

Count Your Blessings

Well, it's December 1st... Some "milestones" for today:

  • To me, December 1st is the REAL start of the Christmas season...not the "retail" version that starts the day after Thanksgiving. We will be breaking out the Advent calendar for Chris, which will be a new experience for him! Advent and the birth of Christ is the real reason for the season...a time for some joy and peace.
  • I am allowed to start my annual "rendition" of the song White Christmas (which, BTW, is my favorite Christmas movie!). My Hubby just LOVES when I start to "belt out" this song... No, I am not a singer, so you can imagine my rendition appearing on the 1st American Idol show of those they cut out. ;) It is so much fun watching him cringe...
  • The weather in the NE is actually becoming "Christmas-like" today....finally! Plummeting from about a 72 degree high today to about 40 degrees tomorrow. Yipes!
  • Today starts my 10th month of blogging - quite the feat for someone who hates to journal! The real milestone for this is when I hit one year...but, I am in double-digits now, which is something I am proud of.
  • In 30 days, we are back on the TTC horse...we think. In 30 days, we start a brand new year... Hopefully, we can all kiss the sorrow and disappointments of 2006 goodbye!

So, in honor of these small milestones...and making this a better Christmas season for us as a family than last year... Let me share with you one of my favorite songs of the season. Not quite a "Christmas" song, but included in the movie "White Christmas."

Count Your Blessings
Sung by Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney
in White Christmas

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

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And, here is another song I would like to share for today... Definitely not a Christmas song, but one that I heard while posting this that cuts into my heart...


I Will Remember You
by Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories


I hope everyone can take some time this month and slow down a bit...and count your blessings, no matter what they are, as we spend time together for all of the right reasons.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Pics from the wedding!

Finally, I am in for a few minutes to post pics from the wedding last Sunday - can't believe it was a week ago already, and Suzi and Mike are coming home tonight from the honeymoon. Yikes!

Enjoy!

Can you tell how Chris felt about the idea of a tux??
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Waiting for Mommy to arrive... I haven't seen her all day!
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Our entrance (I am paired with Hubby's cousin, the bride's brother)...first in the procession:
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Closer-up of Chris:
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Suzi and Mike, waiting for the real service to begin:
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After the "I Do's" - we are LEGAL!
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The happy couple (can you believe she is 18 weeks PG!):
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Our entrance into the reception:
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Will the real Chris, please stand up!
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My favorite pic from the entire night:
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There will be more, better pics once Suzi gets them from the photographer... Until then, enjoy these!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

"I Spoke with My Child"

For those who have experienced a loss.... Please go here...


Someone posted this in a comment on another blog...and it is truly amazing.

(Please enter with tissues handy)

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Be Not Afraid - Means more to me than ever before

In my constant struggle to regain my Faith after this past year, I think Faith is finally winning out...

To backtrack a bit, many moons ago, when I was a wee baby, my mom made the decision not to have me baptized (nor my older brother). To this day, I am still not sure why, but it was what it was. And it was left at that.

My grandmother, however, felt I needed SOMETHING to count on and believe in, so she used to take me to mass (both at a Roman Catholic church and a Eukrainian Eastern Orthodox church - some masses being in Latin, no less!), teach me prayers, and try to cement some sort of Faith in my life.

When we moved from Hillside to Union in 1983, my parents ended up sending me to St. Michael's School because the closest public grammar school (which is what I was used to) was just too far away to walk. Mass was required every first Friday in the month - and, every first Friday, my classmates would ask the same old question: Why aren't you going to Communion? My answer: I wasn't Catholic.

When I started Mother Seton Regional High School, masses were required there too (like, duh! It was a catholic school too.). So, the same question would arise: Why aren't you going to Communion? My answer yet again: I wasn't Catholic.

Something changed in me after my first year at Mother Seton and I decided to go through the RCIA and finally become Catholic... I was baptized, made my first communion and confirmation at the Easter Vigal Mass in April 1989. It was a very special day...and from then forward, my Faith blossomed.

In college (yep, you guessed it, a Catholic - errh, Jesuit! - college: University of Scranton), I became involved in Eucharistic ministry and the choir. I went on retreats and became closer and closer with God.

After college, I still tried to go to mass as often as I could, and was also still involved in some retreats for high school youth. But, as time went on, my Faith began to wain a bit - not dissolve, but just not become stronger.

After Hubby and I were married, we were a little taken aback by how some things in the Roman Catholic church were so, well, judgemental and hypocritical: At our Pre-Cana meetings, there were couples there who were CLEARLY not ready to get married, yet they were okay'ed to by the priest; friends of ours were allowed to get married without additional counseling after their personality questionnaires required by the Archdiocese proved them to be "incompatible"; the priest who married us (who is a VERY close friend of ours) left the priesthood after he was struggling with feelings for a woman he counciled and his superiors told him he could have "something on the side" and still be a priest as long as he kept it hush-hush. There is more...but, I think this is enough for now.

So, church attendance began to fall to the wayside...until I learned I was pregnant with Christopher. We felt we needed to start going again, which we did faithfully every week at Our Lady of Sorrows (eventually, Chris will be going to school there too) until after Chris was born. We stopped going for a bit because we didn't want him out in public until he had his first immunizations - but, by 6 weeks, Chris was baptized and we started going again sporadially.

....Then, I had the miscarriages...and my Faith was torn apart.

I have been angry for a long time now at God: How could He take away lives that were so special and pure, who we so desperately wanted? How could God allow my friend S to not be able to have a child for 4 freakin years and still stuggle with IF now? Yet, how could God allow some woman who could give a rat's ass about a child have a child and completely ruin that child's life? It just didn't seem fair - and I have been pissed off.

But, that obviously changed when we found out about Hubby's cousin Suzi's pregnancy and how she came to make the decision to keep her baby and get married (see How my miscarriages have brought forth new life). I began to see how my hurts could affect someone else's life (especially that of this new life growing, or Big Mac as the baby is being called). And, I ran across the blog of my friend C's hubby, T: Confessions of a Former Dawg. Reading through some of his posts, and seeing how he relates his Faith to the struggles that their son faces, gave me a new take on my Faith. And, I am very glad for that.

All of this brings me back to one of my favorite Catholic Hymns which, for reasons that were unknown to me then but are being realized now, I have always been drawn to and cry to.

Be Not Afraid
written by Bob Dufford, S.J., a Catholic Hymn
text based on Isaiah 43:2–3; Luke 6:20.

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the pow'r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

I think I am coming to an understanding of why this hymn means so much to me... And, I am at peace.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Why do Butterflies follow me?

I have noticed that, for a long time now since I started taking my two mile walks at lunch, I seem to have a very specific type of butterfly "walk" with me as I go. The butterfly (or -ies, since I cannot be sure if it is can be the same one every time - they do have a relatively short life span) that accompanies me often looks like this:

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It seems that every time I am out walking or just taking in fresh air, whether it be at the track at work, walking around campus, playing with Chris in the back yard or playing at the shore by the ocean, this same type of butterfly is there - and it is nothing I have ever experienced before.

So, it prompted me to take a look on Google to see if I can find a symbolism to why this butterfly (or -ies) follow me.

I came across the following web page: Khandro Net. According to the web sites intro, it is
a premier site unique in situating Tibetan Buddhism within a wider context, it has topics ranging from Acts of the Buddha to Symbolism including that of Animals, and of Deities such as The Dakini. Practitioners will also find Prayers, Practices, Announcements and Teachings.
Below is a list of the symbolism that can be found on this site about what it means to be accompanied by butterflies. Not sure which meaning I like...although, some that I prefer are: Spiritial Evolution (since I seem to be coming to acceptance of what life has given me so far), Blood (since butterflies can be considered spirits of fertility), and Prosperity (re. the Irish Blessing).

Intersting that, when I decided to spend the $$$ to create a custom skin for my blog (thanks, again, Ro at Caio! My Bella!), the image I picked was to be a peaceful angel...who just happens to have butterfly wings... Was a drawn to this for a reason beyond my understanding? Maybe...

Full reading of this can be found here: The Butterfly. It was very enlightening.
_______________________________________________________

As Uncaring as a Butterfly

The usual, Western, view is that the butterfly is a carefree creature. HH the Dalai Lama explains that, rather than carefree, it is uncaring: "The butterfly never meets its mother. It must survive independently and remains a stranger to affection. An animal nurtured by mother's milk, however, is dependent on another for its basic survival. A child who grows up in a cold and detached home environment is similar to the butterfly, in that kindness is sparing. Once an adult, it will be very difficult for that person to show compassion."

"Human affection is a very, very important element. At a young age, compassion is very crucial not only for survival but to establish these very important human values." ~ Jessica Hawley (The Bandera Bulletin, Nov. 23/05) reporting on the address at University of Texas at Austin's Frank Erwin Center on Sept. 20/05.)

The Butterfly Lovers

North of Dali not far from the current Tibetan border, in Yunan province on the slopes of Changshan, are three graceful Buddhist pagodas (the tallest, built in 836 CE, measures over 69 meters) and Butterfly Spring (Chi. hudie quan). In the 4th lunar month, when the trees blossom, thousands of butterflies of twenty or so species emerge from their chrysalises to flutter over the water and hang in colourful clusters from the branches. The event is associated with the legend of the Bai maiden named Wengu, whom a local ruler of the Nanzhao Kingdom [729-1253] wanted as his concubine. To escape the grasp of the powerful lord, she and her lover committed suicide here by drowning, but they are said to reappear every spring in the form of a pair of butterflies.

Spiritual Evolution

The butterfly exists in four distinct forms. Some consider that so do we: The fertilized egg is planted in our mother's womb. From our day of birth we are like the caterpillar which can only eat and creep along. At death we are like the dormant pupa in its chrysalis. After that, our consciousness emerges from the cast off body, and some see in this the emergence of the butterfly. Therefore, the butterfly is symbolic of rebirth after death.

In ancient China, this role is played by the cicada. An amulet of jade in this form was placed in the mouth of the corpse of a noble person. Some examples exist from the Han dynasty (206 BCE - 220 CE.)

In the Americas: In the 1600s, in Ireland, killing a white butterfly was prohibited since it was believed to be the soul of a dead child.

In the town of Bath, England, is the Theatre Royal built in 1805 that is home to several ghosts. Besides a mysterious grey lady, who regularly appears in her own box, spectators in 1948 first reported a phantom that materializes as a butterfly at Christmas pantomime time.

Releasing butterflies to celebrate an event: For Christians, the butterfly's three steps of metamorphosis -- as caterpillar, pupa and then winged insect -- are reminiscent of spiritual transformation. The caterpillar's incessant crawling and chewing reminds us of normal earthly life where people are often wholly preoccupied with physical needs. The chrysalis (cocoon) resembles a tomb and empty, can suggest the empty shroud left behind by Jesus. Therefore, a butterfly represents the resurrection into a new condition of life that is free of any material concerns.

In images of the Garden of Eden, Adam's soul is symbolized by a butterfly, or drawn with butterfly wings. In paintings of Mary and her Child, the presence of butterflies stands for their care for human souls. The Gnostics depicted the Angel of Death by showing a winged foot stepping on a butterfly.

Since the insect is so fragile it can be torn apart by a hard rain, the butterfly stands for human frailty, both moral and physical. Also, as its life is not a long one, it is also a symbol of the ephemeral nature of physical existence. A butterfly with a torn wing is the icon for a North American charity that benefits disabled children.

The butterfly is also a symbol of woman's delicacy. It can serve as a reminder to treat her with gentleness. In Japan, a beautiful woman wearing a kimono is often compared to a butterfly. Favoured as a family emblem (ka-mon) or crest in Japan.

Fire

In mythology, the butterfly is rarely distinguished from the moth, so since the moth is irrevocably drawn to a flame, both are related to Fire. Also, since the source of the flame makes no difference to a moth -- in fact it can be the cause of its death -- then it is also a symbol of inconstancy and even promiscuity or indiscriminate sexuality.

Transfiguration

In America among the Aztec and Maya, the god of cosmic fire, Xiutecutli, is symbolized by a butterfly. Fire is considered the element of transformation, as in cookery and the smelting of metals. This association is borne out in traditional psychoanalysis where a dream or drawing of a butterfly is taken as a symbol of the client's imminent transformation.

The ancient Greeks depicted the spirit of a person as a winged stick figure. Interpretation of that symbol gave rise to the idea of the "soul" or psy.cheh as a butterfly.

Later, long-suffering Psyche, bride of Cupid (Eros,) was compared to a butterfly. It was her use of firelight to get a glimpse of the true nature of her mysterious sleeping husband that led to her downfall, and a series of dire trials that eventually led to her transfiguration.

English translation of Lucius Apuleius' Cupid and Psyche (2nd century CE.)

A Symbol of Symbolism

Sophistication can be defined as the ability to read and manipulate symbols. Since range of meaning is linked to one's culture and level of education, symbolic references can also be the source of misunderstandings.

Once, I gave a present of a framed iridescent blue Morpho butterfly to a good friend, who had watched over my home while I was traveling. She was not particularly pleased by the gift, interpreting it as an indication that in my opinion she was superficial -- a "social butterfly." At the time, I was not wholly aware of the reason why, whenever I saw butterflies on my trip, I began to think of her. Not long afterwards, she and her family were involved in a horrible traffic accident in which only she survived. I think I had unconsciously tried to prepare and console my friend through the gift of a butterfly.

The Caterpillar

In mythology and art, the caterpillar -- the larva (immature form) of a butterfly or moth -- is not usually distinguished from the worm, which is associated with rot and disease. However, only a caterpillar spins itself into a cocoon, where the mysterious transformation takes place during the time of "retreat" known as the pupation period.

Sometimes, our daily period of sleep is viewed as a time of pupation, so that when we dream our minds seem to roam free like the butterfly. The Pikuni and T'suuT'ina (Blackfoot and Sarcee, of Alberta and Montana,) like ancient Greeks and Romans, associate the butterfly with the wandering consciousness that seems to occur during the dream state.

In the Canadian Pacific northwest, the Haida depict Butterfly as the companion of Raven the Creator-Trickster, perhaps acknowledging the unpredictable and unreliable nature of "flights of fancy" and dreaming.

The Anishnabe (Ojibway, Western Cree) relate that the first children would not try to get up and walk until there were butterflies:

In the beginning, the animals took care of the first Anishnabe children. The animals provided everything for these babies — food, warmth and companionship. While the larger animals guarded the children and kept them safe and warm, the smaller animals played with the children, kept them happy and made them laugh.

The children in return imitated the animals, their protectors and playmates, and crawled around on all fours. In fact, the children neither knew of nor tried other ways to get around.

One day, Nanabush watched these children laugh, roll and tumble with their friends. He knew it was time for the children to know who they were, to know that they were Anishnabe, to grow up. Nanabush scooped up a handful of pebbles and cast them into the air.

The pebbles turned into butterflies — butterflies of all sizes, of all colours, fluttering here and there. The children looked up and saw the beautiful celestial winged creatures. And for the first time, they stood up on their legs and ran laughing, chasing the butterflies.

Keeshig-Tobias, Lenore. The Trickster: Running for the People, Carrying Fire for the People. RCAP, 1994.

Blood

Butterflies can leave behind droppings that resemble blood. Before 1553, when Gosse discovered this source of "red rain," people who lived in the paths of migrating butterflies must have seen this as a bad omen, indeed.

In some circumstances, the butterfly will drink blood. The Udmurt (or, Votiak) whose homeland is in the Urals, consider butterflies spirits of fertility. A large percentage of the population is ancestor-worshiping, and they still follow the old ways. If the crops are failing, they go out to capture white butterflies in a white cloth. They bring them back and introduce them to a sheep carcass in the expectation that they will enjoy the offering and bless the crops.

(Other gardeners, on the other hand, might take small white "butterflies" for grain moths or white-cabbage moths, whose caterpillars tend to consume the crops.)

Prosperity

An Irish blessing goes: "May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun, and find your shoulder to light on. To bring you luck, happiness and riches today, tomorrow and beyond."

The Hopi (southwest USA) have a ceremonial butterfly dance called Bulitikibi which they perform to do homage to the butterfly so that it will confer prosperity.

Flutterby, Butterfly

Some say that the word "butterfly" is a sort of joke that entered into English when Shakespeare transposed the letters in the original word, flutterby. It is not so, for the designation has been botter-fleoge at least since Old English, according to the Oxford English Dictionary.

However, it is amazing that, unlike most animal names, the word for this insect is so different in the various languages. (See William Beeman's "Elusive Butterfly" linked above.)

Gingara

In Mae Hong Sorn, the northwestern province of Thailand, live the Shan people, whose roots are in northern Myanmar (Burma.) They celebrate the end of the rainy season retreat at full moon of the 11th lunar month, as instituted by the Buddha, with a ritual re-enacting the myth of Gingara. It is thought that this tradition comes from Himalayan Buddhism, where Gingara (Skt. gangara) is a figure of power and good fortune. (Also, the Ghaghara is a tributary of the Ganges.)

The inspiration for the festival derives from the verse: "And at the end of the retreat period the Buddha told Indra that he would descend to the world of humans himself to celebrate the end of this season." Tradition holds that the Buddha descended to earth by means of a ladder made of jewels in order to be with all living beings.

Gingara is sometimes shown as a garuda, a mythological creature that is half human and half bird. In Thailand, it has the head of a woman and the body of a peacock. In the festival, three creatures represent this and form part of the costume of the Gingara: the Lion, the butterfly and the serpent.

The lion, as we have seen, is a solar symbol and one of the four vehicles of Buddha. The serpent represents the energy of the earth and its water. The butterfly represents the air.

Butterfly Dogs

In the 1600's, a dwarf spaniel was developed that is named for its broad, erect, and feathery ears, ie. the Papillon, (aka Continental spaniel) which is the French word for "butterfly."

In 1861, Queen Victoria was given a Pekingese dog by Captain Hart Dunne. Known in east Asia as the Butterfly Lion, the Peke was considered a kind of spirit-dog and it is one of the breeds associated with Buddhism. One of the many myths surrounding its ancestry concerns a lioness who suffered under the brutish attentions of her natural mate. The gods took pity on her and arranged that she consort with a butterfly. Her offspring was the Pekingese, which has the heart of a lion, but the grace and delicacy of a butterfly.

Rumer Godden. The Butterfly Lions: The Pekingese in History, Legend and Art. 1978.

Science

What Has 2 Wings But Is Not a Bird?

Moths and butterflies belong to the family Lepidoptera. In mythology and iconography, for the most part, no distinction is made between the moth with its fat furry body, and the butterfly, which is generally more delicate and colourful. That is not surprising, since many people even mistake the bats (often 5 in number) that appear as a motif in Asian textiles and other crafts, for butterflies.

The Butterfly Effect

This is an aspect of chaos theory. It is often misunderstood, especially when the expression is intended to refer to a "sensitive dependence on initial conditions." For example, the way a seeming insignificant event can cause dramatic consequences. It is incorrectly described as the disturbance of the air caused by the movements of a butterfly's wings that can, over time and with changing circumstances, become a hurricane. (That notion is, rather, tied to one of Poincarre's mathematical ideas concerning the importance of minute variation.)

The Butterfly Effect is, in fact, a pattern with the form of a butterfly (ie. bi-lobed) that appears in the mathematical plotting of meteorological or other random or chaotic distributions. It was first noticed when barometric pressures were charted. As Michael Cross shows, Edward Lorenz first used the seagull as his metaphor. In any case, the butterfly has now become a symbol of extreme sensitivity to the slightest change, and as such has been co-opted for use by a major software company.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Another one of my blessings: My bosses

It's been a while since I made an entry about one of my blessings... Guess I have been a little preoccupied with other things and forgot what part of this blog was supposed to be about.

Anyways, here is goes...

My bosses, whom I have known now for 10 years (I worked here as a temp from 6/96-10/96, then left for the insurance biz and came back in 8/98) and they have seen me grow from a college grad to a wife to a mother and to a mother of many angels, are some of the best people a person could hope to work for. Sure, we have our moments where we get aggrivated with each other or just plained pissed-off...it's like a "marriage" of sorts. But, in the end, they care about what is going on and are willing to give the time off (some not even docks from sick or vacation time) for personal needs.

I had a long talk this morning with my Center Admin about how things were going and the next round of doctors' appointments coming up. I told her about the counseling sessions, the meds I am on, and my current ailments...and she said that she was glad to see I was taking the time to do all of this and deal with hurts of the past 6 months. They were starting to worry about me because I just haven't been myself in a long time and I really need to take the time to heal. She also said that is must have not been easy to deal with everything while we have been so pressured with things to do here at work...so, she understands my need for time. All of the time off is cleared... My bosses confide in me about things too (like, when my Director's son was diagnosed with testicular cancer in high school) - so, it is a nice trade-off.

Every time I start to complain about the long commute and the heavy workload, I always think back to my old job - we only had 3 sick days and 5 vacation days in a year. They would never have been this understanding of the need to time...and I probably would have been let go in the end. I have been very blessed to work for very understanding people - they are family oriented, and I think it hurts them to see the struggles we are going through right now.

If I have to work when my Chris is young, guess this is the best place to do it!

....Now, on to doing my work...

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Quotes with meaning

Every day on my way to work, I pass a small, non-denominational church set back a bit from the main road. They change the saying every few days...and sometimes what they post up there catch my eye.

The past few days, since the end of the Easter season, this has been posted:

"Can't sleep? Don't count sheep, try counting on the Good Shephard."

Gee, how fitting is that for me right now?

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Well, I didn't get struck down by lightening...

...Yes, we made it to church today! Amazing how it's been a year since the last time I went to go willingly (meaning, not for a baptism or wedding), and how much things have changed between then and now.

But, through it all - Chris was excellent during mass! Probably the only quite little one there. And, I have found a little bit of peace going back...not much, but some. I hope to continue going every Sunday as best I can...and maybe I can start finding some of the answers I am looking for.

Happy Easter to those who celebrate.

Monday, April 10, 2006

One of my many blessing: My hubby

It's been a while since I wrote a post keeping in line with my blog name - My Many Blessings. So, here is one for the week: My Hubby.

My hubby has a way of bringing out the things in me that I don't alawys want to come out... After 19 years of knowing him, you would think I would have figured out how he knows! But alas, I have not and it is something I don't think I will ever figure out.

I had wanted to talk to him about me going to counseling for over a week now, but every time I wanted to bring it up, something got in the way: Chris waking up, a phone call that needed to be taken, whatever. Things came to a head last night, and we finally had the opportunity to air it out. And, I am forever grateful since my mood has since lightened a bit.

We talked about things for over 2 hours last night...and covered a lot of things. The most important things to come out of last night's talk was he has agreed to help me out with a few things while my work schedule is crazy over the next 2 weeks: He is going to call our GP to 1) see if he can give me anything to help me sleep, since sleep has been at a real minimum the past few weeks, 2) make sure that Dr. D is coordinating with him what's being tested for and what is/isn't found and 3) to see if he knows of a therapist covered who specializes in IF/loss. Hubby is also going to ask his therapist if he knows of someone I could go to.

Hubby has been through his own share of issues, all family-related - or, mother related really - that has affected his choices of career. So, some things he has been through parallels what I am going through now. His insights, although, are always helpful (okay, except for the meditation stuff...that is something I'm not really into!).

The most comforting thing he did for me was to stand up to his mother on how I have been feeling about the losses, TTC in general, the impact it has had on us as a family and my working outside the home. She has been through her own m/c of twins, but has chosen to bury it rather than deal with it - and she is not comfortable with the idea that I need to work through this, especially with counseling, instead of burying it and moving on. She is not comfortable with the idea that, despite my wish to be a SAHM, I actually enjoy the job I do. Don't get me wrong, I am very fond of my MIL, but there are things that we do butt heads on... She is not good with dealing with emtional baggage, and anyone chosing to address it makes her nervous.

I guess God does really have a plan for us...He put me in a position to meet my hubby in the first place at that high school dance in 1987 and there would have been no way for me to have met him otherwise. :)