Warped perceptions

Busy, busy, busy... Feels like life is revolving around me and I can't ever catch up anymore.

...So may blogs I haven't been able to read lately. ...My BG's ignored or if I am lucky, minuscule posts left. ...So many journeys I have had to leave by the wayside. ...My "real life" friends and family putting off plans until I can get through the next few weeks and reappear with my July from hell at work over and done.

How did I do this nine years ago when the programs were six weeks long, not two?

How did I have the patience for the stupid questions these participants have, like "Oh, the hotel van is five minutes late, what do I do?"

...and these people teach our kids in school... SCARY!

Remember when I said I had a good feeling about TTC in June/July (see How much do your trust your instincts?)?

That's in the trash now. I feel no hope or optimism at all.

Nada.

No ovulation this month...after using two boxes of daily ovulation tests. Delays with Dr. D's office setting us back, which helped "produce" the lack of ovulation this month (well, at least it produced something!)... And even if this cycle had progressed right, or I had ovulated on my own, I doubt anything would have worked since I am just dragging myself in from work right now anyway.

...In no mood to DTD.

...More delays...

I've been thinking lately about some of the things that people have either posted to me on my blog, or e-mailed me, or posted on other blogs... The things that make me "look" as if I have it all together... That I am more confident in who I am. Like:

"I love that your blog about something as painful as infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is entitled "My Many Blessings". It is just that grace and humility that astounds me on a daily basis about the infertility blogosphere, " from Karen at My Perky Ovaries

"You are in such a good place with all of this, Tina. I'm envious. You've worked very hard at it and you deserve the reap the rewards," from Adrienne at Max's Mommy

From Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:

Redefining Me (referring to an older post): I had a really hard time choosing, but this post spoke to me just a little bit more than the others that I was considering. Tina has come so far in the past year, and this post really shows that. The perspective and peace she has attained with regards to her recurrent losses is inspiring. This post is a reflection on moving forward and loving the now, but still holding the past and the lessons learned in a special place.
from the Friday Blog Roundup Extravaganza

"My Many Blessings was the first blog I came across that wrote about miscarriage. In addition to stories about her son, she shares stories about her three lost babies. It was comforting to read about positive things in her life despite such heartache shortly after my own loss. It appears that she has many readers, but she takes the time to respond to comments despite her hectic life. I really appreciate the help she has given to me during my grieving process"
from Secret Ode Day #2

I wanted to thank all of you - the ones I know and the ones who remain nameless - for the kind comments you have left for me (there are more that I keep stashed in my e-mail...that I don't ever want to throw away). The BIGGEST thing your comments have given me is the sense that my journey has at least helped someone get through their own heartbreak. I suppose that is one of the things we all hope for when we open our lives up for everyone to read. It is heartwarming to know that my life can touch another's - and I don't even need to meet them face-to-face.

But, sometimes, when I read these comments, I wish I knew who you were talking about. These comments don't sound like me to me...especially right now. Make sense?

I guess I am just tired and overworked... I can't say I am in a BAD mood - at least I am not off my rocker like I was pre-Lexapro (even with being off of it for a month now). But, I am frustrated... I want to be back to TTC again and I want my workload to lighten to allow for that.

I just need to get through to August 4th...then I can kick everyone out and go back to "normal."

I wish I knew what to do about TTC now... I have to talk to Hubby over the weekend (err, really Sunday since I have to work all day tomorrow) about it. Do I take Provera now (my secret stash from last fall) and urge the Red Storm to arrive early and start Clomid possibly during the next program? Do I be patient a wee bit, then take Provera, lather, rinse, repeat? Do I wait to see if my period shows all on my own...and risk starting this cycle and monitoring while in vacation over the week of Labor Day???

I gotta think...with half a brain...

Thanks, Rush, for this:

Far Cry
by Rush

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen
Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune
Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over me
I can get back on
I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising, lays silver at your feet

You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing
One day I fly through a crack in the sky
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on

I do feel that "one day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me."