Thursday, September 14, 2006

How my miscarriages have brought forth new life

I am back from vacation (and, a FANTASTIC vacation it was!)... There is a lot of work I have to catch up on here at work (shocking!), so posting the details of my vacation and pics here on the blog and saying hi to everyone on FFriend, FFamily and C-Moms won't be possible until the weekend. I apologize for the lack of communication...I am lucky I get a chance to eat lunch right now!

Until then... I have to share an event that has brought such peace to my soul...

Through all of the heartache of the past year, I have searched and searched for a reason for why I have miscarried my three angel babies - and I don't mean medical reasons (I know at least part of that now), but more spiritual reasons. And, it has not been an easy journey. It is hard to smile or laugh when all you want to do is hide from the world and cry.

Thinking back to the 18 months it took to TTC my Chris, I was angry and upset and felt worthless that my body could not do what it should naturally - ovulate and conceive children. But, finally, the answer to all of the hurts and questions during that time was born on May 4th, 2004....and all of the pain was washed away in one second when they laid my beautiful Christopher in my arms. It was (and still is) an amazing time...

But, as I have tried and tried to heal from the losses of my three angels, I have not been able to find those "answers" to explain the losses. I am a "scientific" thinker - I need an answer to move past the hurt, which is a hUGE flaw of mine. I feel that as I make small steps in healing, I am always knocked back down again with what to some would be miniscule reminders - but to me, are stabs in the heart. But, that has now changed...

Tuesday evening, Chris and I decided to wait outside for Daddy to arrive home from work - and Chris could watch the cars and airplanes go past the house (he LOVES it!). As we were waiting (as Hubby was late coming home), Hubby's aunt (Cookoo Auntie - who lives across the street from us) waived "hi" as she answered her door to get the pizza she ordered for dinner. A few minutes later, she and Hubby's cousin (Suzi) came out of the house and made their way over to our house....which is not unusual, since they LOVE to play with Chris.

When they got to us, Suzi said "she had news."

Okay....I'm in the dark here! Fess up, girlie!

She holds out her left hand and announces she is engaged.


But, in that moment, I did think it odd she was engaged because she had JUST gotten back together with Mike in late July. After 3 1/2 years of dating, Mike was in a bad spot - no direction to his life, working at a Jersey Mike's deli for little pay and no working car. Suzi decided she needed some space in March-ish and started dating other people (Mike knew) - and she felt Mike needed some time to decide what to do with his life. She went round and round until she realized she missed him....and he realized he needed to make more of his life. So, they got back together in late July. I am thinking loooong engagement. Very pretty ring (it his Godmother's). She looked happy.... I am happy for her. He's a nice guy at heart.

The Suzi says "...but, there is more news.... Chris is going to have a cousin."

At that moment, I am thinking her friend is pregnant again (Kier got pregnant and ended up with a "shot-gun" wedding at town hall in 2004). No big deal, right?

But, then I realized it was SUZI who was pregnant! I was speechless...

Now, I am not close-minded by ANY means - my sister and brother both had children before they got married to their ex's (and my brother's son was in his!), so this is nothing new to me! I was just shocked that she, of all people, would end up in this situation.

She and Cookoo Auntie explained how Mike was getting his act together well, she has a potential better job lined up for herself, that they had a plan in place - They are getting married on November 12th, will live with her parents until they can afford an apartment and be ready for her EDD of April 3rd.

Then, she asked if I would be in the wedding (she was in mine) and if Chris would be in it too. Cool! Another wedding! And, Chris in a tux - double cool! So, I agreed...and I am happy for them.

But, I had to ask her if she was okay with all of this - that she wasn't rushing into marriage just because she was pregnant, that she was sure of her decisions about the baby, that she was ready to be a mommy. And, what she said to me has really put my aching heart to rest...

She said that when she realized her period was late, she stalled to test by a week - she was in denial. When she finally tested, she was in even more denial about the result she got. So, she talked with her parents, and with Mike, for hours one end... She considered abortion and adoption... If she had this baby, all of her plans and dreams for her life would change dramatically. She wanted to start a career, have fun (she is only 23 years old), have a nice wedding...ane eventually have children, just not now.

...But, as she talked with everyone and thought about how this baby would change things, her mind kept settling on ME and what Hubby and I have been through loosing three babies that were wanted so desperately...and not easily conceived. She thought about the hurdles it takes me to get pregnant in the first place...and the monitoring it is going to take to make sure any future baby will be healthy - and stick. She asked, how could she take a life away before it has a chance to begin, when she has watch me cry and cry for the babies that were taken from us - from me? She asked, how could she chose to terminate a life when I had no choice in the termination of three? She asked, how could she sleep at night with a decision to terminate a life because it didn't fit "the plan" when I can't sleep at night thinking about how different my family should have been three times over. So, she decided that she would accept this gift of life - even though it was not conceived at "the right time" - make the best choices she can to raise this child right.

Her consideration of what Hubby and I have been through over the past year just took my breath away...and has, finally, given me the answers to why these losses had to happen. My emptiness and sadness of never being able to hold my angels has opened the door to a new life - a life that will be greatly appreciated and loved. Her decision - their decision - has brought such peace to my heart, I just cannot describe the feeling right now.

My miscarriages have brought forth new life.... What more can I say? My heart can finally begin to heal knowing that my three angels were not taken from me for no reason...and I am grateful. The weight on my heart is really beginning to lift.

(I just hope the pregnancy vibes rub off on my come the New Year....)


Anonymous said...

Oh wow. I'm glad you can turn it into something positive.

ilyse said...

Wow, that is great that it has turned into something positive and that it is helpful to you.