Updates, new perspectives and time for change

Now that the Crimson Witch is gone (and the Lexapro-proof PMS crap that went with her), I truly feel I am making some progress in healing me.

I feel like the CD's I own, many collecting dust with scratches etched into them - mainly because there have been several points in time since November 2005 where I thought I was healing and moving on from my miscarriages and the resulting upheaval of it all, but I was just deluding myself. However, this time - for real - healing and letting go is just around the corner, finally tangible, finally here.

First, for the updates of the various events that sent me up for the tailspin that was 2006:

My mom got her casts off on January 8th. Her right knee is stiff, but healed. She can move it now, except going down stairs is still a challenge since the knee is not used to the movement. She has to be very careful that she doesn't trip again. Her nose is healed too - bumpy now, but healed. Her left hand, however, is looking a little odd. It is, according to the x-rays, healed. But, it is swollen and stiff. The doc moved it on her when he came out to talk to her after my dad's surgery last week (they see the same orthopedist) and it swelled up even more. She may need him to look at it again - but, luckily, a neighbor of hers is a physical therapist and is going to show her some exercises to do to maybe help first. She has to be careful though - with the knowledge that she has had a mini-stroke already, she needs to watch for signs now.

My dad had his hip replacement surgery on Janaury 10th - and did amazingly well. Considering he has to limit what he does for a while, he moves better and is in less pain than before. Amazing. He was transferred to the in-facility rehab on January 13th and is a little behind on rehab because of the MLK holiday on Monday and swelling of his leg on Tuesday morning. But, he is catching up and will be coming home this Saturday. He will receive in-home rehab after that and is scheduled to return to work around March 15th. I have a feeling my mom is going to have a hard time kicking his fanny out the door to go back to work.

** Have to add a good laugh here about my brother in Texas. He called my mom and told her she and dad were giving him stomach pains, with all that is going on here in NJ. Is he for REAL??? He has done absolutely nothing for them (and actually complained because his kids didn't get as much for Christmas this year as they normally get - how about they get a disability check to live on??) from Texas, and isn't planning on coming up at all. There is nothing "in it" for him. So glad he is in pain... **

My FIL is back to work and it appears all signs of infection in his foot is gone - the pic-line was removed because he no longer needs the IV antibiotics (although he is still on orals ones). The doc hopes that now the wound will heal for good - without a graft. Time will only tell us that. He's just mad because the doc won't let him use a cane yet - he still has to use the walker, and he hates it.

As for myself, our windows are in, so our living room will hopefully be done soon! Hubby is getting them today. Yeah! Can't wait for that room to be done - then we move on to the much-awaited and needed overhaul of the Pit of Hell (AKA the Kitchen!). I will have to post pics of the Pit soon - it is a beaut!

TTC will be delayed for a while - for how long, I don't know. I called Dr. D yesterday for new prenatals (which I can see on the Walgreens website had NOT been called in yet - and I know it is going to be pharmacy error. ** Uh, update! Duet DHA Combo Pak (Reformulated) is now in.** ) and had to ask the question: Can I TTC while on Lexapro?

We upped the dosage of Lexapro to 10 mg on January 2nd because I was still needing the extra .25 mg of Xanax around dinnertime and I wasn't comfortable with having to do that. So, the upped doseage has really helped to get me to bedtime and the .5 mg Xanex I take before going to sleep (although the PMS hit me hard this time around - the period itself last week, after a 77 day cycle, wasn't too bad. But, the moodiness was horrible and the med combo barely worked.). Dr. McC wants to see if we can now cut back on the Xanex at bedtime to .25 mg and if that works over this coming weekend, we will consider cutting out the Xanex completely in a couple of weeks. If the weekend is rough, we will wait to cut the Xanex out.

Scary.

Anyways, getting back to TTC and Lexapro... I know Xanex and TTC is a BIG no-no. So, TTC can't happen until I am off Xanex. But, I assumed I could maybe be off Xanex by April, so maybe April would be a good month to start TTC again. Later than originally hoped for in January, but not too far off that I will be turning 35 yet. Several women have said their ob/gyn's were okay with TTC on Lexapro (you just need to be off of it by the start of the 3rd trimester) - but, I needed to hear Dr. D's opinion from the horse's mouth. I have too many complications to deal with in TTC as it is - I can't complicate things by taking a med behind his back.

His answer was: NO. I have to be off it before TTC.

Surprisingly, I am okay with the answer. In a weird sort of way, it takes the pressure off of me to set a date to start TTC again - it forces me to make sure I am well physically and, more importantly, emotionally before I get back on that ride. Plus, it gives me time to really speak with Dr. S about the thyroid antibodies I am testing positive for - my MIL gave me a very interesting article from the Neward Star Ledger (which is also on nj.com) on sub-clinical thyroid disease and positive antibody screens that researchers are finding if left untreated prior to pregnancy, miscarriage and preterm birth rises dramatically. She wanted my TSH below 2.0 before TTC anyway (she seems to be up on this research I read in the article) - so, it gives me time after my March 23rd appointment to see where my TSH is then, start meds for it, and make sure that the TSH is down to where she wants it.

The answer also gives me the chance to really consider ending this TTC journey for good. I have Chris to think of, first and foremost. What's the point in sacrificing my soul and ours as a family just to be pregnant again and make my family "complete"? How can I be a good mommy if I am not a healed spirit?

Now, for some new perspectives and other realizations I am gaining for myself:

Dr. P feels that I have been trying to please everyone around me - either by keeping the peace with my family (not with Hubby and Chris, but I mean my family growing up) by always being the "good kid" or by always "saving the day" when a problem comes up at work. I have to stop doing that and learn to say "I will try to help, but I may not be able to in the end." Again, I am trying to control something...and I have to learn I can't. I have to learn to find a balance of helping and not being a slave for affection. I have already begun to try to change this by not rushing around at work and making my sister pick up some of the load of visiting my dad and helping my mom. And, with each baby step I make, my stomach aches a little less, my hands shake a little less.

To help with the trying to give up the control, I am seriously considering going for acupuncture (Dr. McC recommended it). Going for a class for something like yoga is not my cup of tea - I hate taking classes like that. So, acupuncture might help with the start of relaxing and rebalancing...and maybe even with my cycles. More on that later - trying to get answers to what is covered with insurance has already been a hassle! But, I am NOT stressing about it...really.

I like having my time in the evenings to read and relax. I can't remember the last time relax entered my brain. I can sit and dive into a book and not think about work, chores, rants, my health. I can breathe.

I like being able to go out to the store and not panic over a simple thing. I went shopping for shoes and other things I needed on my own, and I was okay with it. It has been a long time since I was comfortable doing it - I was becoming a hermit.

My "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote last week:

"Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty," by Doris Day
How we look at something often determines what it is.

I have been looking at my miscarraiges and infertility as my personal flaw, my cross to bare. Sure, it is. But, I have so much to give thanks for in my life - it outweighs those "flaws" I see in myself. I have let these "flaws" define my life instead of absorbing them into the small piece of me that they are. I have to end the complaining and begin the celebrating. I am more than just a recurrent miscarrier. I am more than just an infertile (and infertile again). I am a women with family and friends, interests and loves, likes and dislikes. I am a woman with hope and faith and charity to give. I am more than just my cross I bare.

Lastly, there is a wind of change coming for my life, and I am liking it.

Yet again, my "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote on Tuesday:

"How about spending a whole year focusing on the positive aspects of having children in our lives? Sometimes the stress of all we do can cause us momentarily to forget. This year, let's make it a point to appreciate them.

Children keep us young."

This quote was so right-on, I began to cry. The "jobs" of motherhood - the laundry, the diaper changing, the potty training, the illness caring and preventing, the schedule arranging - have been my focus for too long. How did I fall into this? Probably to try to find some control in my life because this was not my focus before starting to TTC #2 in July 2005. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for Chris - except I was sacrificing my time (and HIS) playing with him. Play time was not "perfect" - he played, I watched. I should have been playing with him all along and enjoying it. I used to laugh when he laughed, learned when he learned. But, I was just watching and thinking about what chores I had yet to do.

As I had mentioned in my post Some more self-realizations, I have lost so much time with Chris that I will never be able to get back. I have watched him grow more from the sidelines than as an active Mommy and that has to end. Yesterday, we had a Dance Party in our living room, after working the day at home. His giggles just blew any stress I felt out of the water - and I was relaxed and acting like a goofball. The smile on his face was priceless to me...kinda a "Where have you been all year?" face. It was something I hadn't done with him in a long time (God! He weighed a lot less! I can barely swing him around anymore!).

So, I am going to dedicate every Friday to special posts about Chris - to post things that either he does now that are hilarious to me, or his changes from baby to toddler that amaze me, or whatever strikes my fancy on any given Friday. He is my #1 blessing - and I need to allow myself to celebrate that. I fought for him to be here - more than I ever realized when I was pregnant with him. I hope everyone can enjoy the things I see on Fridays.

Going to go finish my book now... :)