Another year older...but another year wiser??

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.

Crap.

Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Have had it up to here with incompetance!

You know, we have been working so, so hard to get the things Chris needs for his PDD-NOS diagnosis, I feel like we are just banging our heads against the wall - and no one is listening.

I have just about had it.

When we returned from vacation, Hubby called the CST on 9/10 to find out what the hell was going on - from the post Our progress with getting Chris into the correct program, we all know our town is in violation of state law for getting this process done. We thought we were making progress - we had our initial meeting with the CST on 9/13. We went over our concerns, what eval tools would be used, what kind of program we were looking for, inclusion for Chris with peers, etc., etc. It seemed we were all on the same page - and we were told that Chris would be the first child evaluated, and it would be either 9/18 or 9/25.

Then, we heard nothing about 9/18...

And, our town is not closed for Rosh Hashanah...

So, Hubby called again yesterday - and the eval date then turned into either or about 9/25, 10/2 or a little later in the month of October.

Uh, excuse me???

So, I told him to call them back and ask why??? I told him that 1) NO WAY is this eval going past 9/25 - why are we waiting after their fuck-up; 2) I want to know WHY the date got pushed back and 3) make it clear to them that if something doesn't happen soon and if Chris has to wait until January to be placed, there will be legal action.

Their response?

Well, they are in the middle of moving their offices (which, I would have LOVED to have seen any signs of that since I saw no boxes packed or things down from cubicles when we were there last week) and some budget issues with the state.

Know what???

NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM!!!

So, I am waiting for a call back from the Interim Director of the CSTs in our town - if I get no response this afternoon, I am going above her head, and so on.

This is just ridiculous - and Chris is the one waiting for services. I can't believe what a mess this is turning into.

Chris started private speech therapy last week - and, although he is doing well in it, I am rather concerned about the place and the therapist. Apparently, they have a neurologist in the practice now - and her group is making LOTS of noise, right through his therapy session. My MIL called me earlier to say how unpleased she was about it because the therapist said he was distracted by the noise.

Uh, wouldn't you be too? Without PDD-NOS???

So, my MIL is going to sit in on the session Thursday - and, if it just as bad, I will be calling the therapist while looking for a new place.

The good thing is - Chris' hearing is 100% fine. We had the test done on Thursday, which he was not really pleased with. What a test THAT was!

Is it really, really that hard to do a freakin eval??? Really?

Hubby is calling a friend of his - who we forgot was an education attorney. We're going to see what he says to do now...

UPDATE: The CST finally called and we are a go for Chris' eval on 9/25 - finally!

Uh, like I need this BS right now!

...Be prepared! This is a LOOOOOONG post!

So, I have mentioned a few times now how my work load has been off the charts, and how I can't keep up at work and that it is trickling down into my personal life because I am just exhausted when I get home (which translates into early bedtime for me and minimal communication with the people I care about).

Remember my magic wand???




...Apparently it is malfunctioning - BIG TIME!

Okay, okay... Let me start from the beginning...

I have been having a hard time at work lately (nothing new really since the more work I do here, the more work I get to do, and so on and so on.). It's been visible to a few people. How could it not? But, up until Thursday, no one really asked me to talk about it - which is fine, because I usually don't talk until I am ready. My Director (we'll call him "F" for now since he is references in the e-mails I am about to post) knows that, my Center Administrator knows that.

CrazyS (which is what I will call our new Associate Director - she started on June 1st with a less than stellar response from all of us on our staff here...I'll explain more in a bit) does not know that...and has now blown this current situation - and other things completely unrelated to me (which makes me feel a bit better - at least I know it is NOT me with the issue) - out of proportion and out of proportion via e-mail no less.

Real, real classy!

Let me back-track to the issues that started coming up... In a nut-shell:

• She wants everything spoon-fed to her instead of being resourceful and attempting to find things on her own. Not really going to work around here since ALL of us are overloaded. We all are able to find most things on our own on other people's machines - that is why Microsoft created FILESHARING!'
• She keeps asking for things that have been sent to her already - several times. And, then, she tries to make it look like YOU were the one who dropped the ball. It's as if she only reads e-mails that are "important" to her. And, I don't think she pays attention to the fact that I CC myself on EVERYTHING as a back-up! I KNOW when I sent something, damn it!
  
• Her e-mails about what she wants are in no way clear, nor are they kind most of the time (probably demanding is a better word). For example, here are some things she has sent me (hopefully you can see what I mean after extracting snippets of various e-mails):
  

"Here is the Epi Report with F's changes. Some formatting needs to be done again. It's almost done. Please print a copy for me and I will read it one last time for typos and then you can enter it."
**Notice NO reference to exactly WHAT formatting needs to be changed - or even if I am the one who needs to do it? And, the report cannot be entered until F sees it one more time - she can't make that decision to just enter it.

"I will make a directory on my computer called NSF-BioMath as soon as I

get in. We can still use Brenda's former directory system as a

repository, but I would prefer to work in my shared directory."
** Not going to work since my director wants all of the reports in one place - so that it is easier for me to work on them with 3 different associate directors. She agreed already in person with myself and the other 2 associate directors that she would not work from her machine - she would work from the main report repository.

"I'll take that document and discuss it with F briefly and only

then let's make the email lists and send out messages and all that."
** Say what? ONLY THEN?? That's a little rude.

• She spent more time this week bitching that the hotel vans were late (uh, hello? Did you realize there is RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC) than worrying about our main speaker almost passing out during his talks from low bloodsugar because he chose not to eat breakfast.
• She opted NOT to work on a report that was due 7/31 until the weekend before - even though I had it ready for her as she ASKED by the end of June. So, it then became an emergency for ME to get in at the last second so the NSF didn't slap us on the wrist for being late.
  

There is more to the list...it's ever growing.

She spent the bulk of the day Thursday telling me that the program was running "perfectly." It was a "huge success." PUHLEEEEZZE! It has been running just fine - I know that - I've run the freakin program for NINE YEARS now. I don't need her "reassuring" me like I am 2 years old. I know when things are going right or wrong. I just need her out of my office this week so I could somehow catch up on some of the work that has been piling up on my desk. She just wouldn't get the casual hints.

So, she took it upon herself after to talk to my Director Thursday because "I looked upset"...and then came into my office and closed the door so we could "talk." Quite frankly, I have been in such a bad mood for a couple of weeks now - so many deadlines to meet, not enough time to do them, too many stupid questions from people who should be smarter (book-wise anyway) than me - that I have been on the verge of either lashing out at someone (which I didn't want to do - I am better than that) or cry myself into a puddle of blubber. So, I said to her that I needed to talk to our Director, which I would do eventually when there was time, and I would talk to her later - saying in passing that I have a lot of work to do, needed to talk to him about how to prioritize things, and that there were some things at home bothering me, and I just didn't feel up to talking.

i.e. There is some personal things that she is just NOT privy to! I am NOT going to tell her that we are TTC again after three miscarriages. I am not going to tell her we are concerned with Chris' speech and his upcoming evaluation. These are things that are overlapping with the workload that only F and my Center Admin are privy to!

Apparently my hint didn't work... She marched right back into my director's office and met with him again.

So, I get this e-mail early yesterday morning:

"Hi T (me),

Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday.

This morning I made the mistake of checking my email before leaving and there were so many emails, some disturbing, I couldn't get out on time. I'm afraid I won't get there in time to open the conference. I'll do my best, but most likely you'll have to do the honors. I hope you don't mind. I have an extremely tight schedule and I really try to avoid getting distracted, but sometimes it just happens.

Thanks,
S"

So, I responded to her saying it was no big deal if she was late - I could handle it, which I did. No problems.

But, I did not respond to the "Hope you are feeling better after your discussion with F yesterday" comment. That is NOT professional to say in an e-mail unless you were out sick the day before.

Then, I received THIS second e-mail yesterday morning from her, around 11:30 am (and, no, she was not here yet):

"T,

I'm sending you the message F sent me. I'm deeply dissapointed that you didn't share this with me before complaining to F. I've done everything possible to make things easier for you. I'm working hard just like you. Whenever you cannot or will not do something I simply say "okay." We've never exchanged one cross word. When you are upset I try to reassure you that everything is going well.

I'm sending you brief emails with itemized lists because you asked me to do that. You didn't want me coming to your office and trying to discuss things with you. There's only so much you can communicate over emails.

You never said a word to me and then to turn around and complain about me to the boss, just isn't right. I never would have complained about you to anyone without letting you know first and giving you a chance to fix things.

You and F are having a problem with your workload - you said this to me many times. It's not right to involve me in your conflict like this.

If F misunderstood then it is up to you to explain that to him. If I don't hear from F that he misunderstood the email I sent you, then I'll assume you complained about me behind my back.

S
_______________________


**Thanks for sending me a copy of the email you sent T. I think that part of the problem is the tone of the email. Of course, you sent it before you and I talked this afternoon. We have an atmosphere at DIMACS in which we treat all of the staff as professionals and as equals. Somehow, the wording in your email seemed like it was simply telling T what to do rather than discussing it with her. It would have been better to have your ideas come as suggestions as to how you might prefer to have things work or how T or anyone else might make changes in procedures. Also, since we all share jobs and exchange pieces of jobs, it is sometimes necessary to do things in a way that is better for others, even if it is more work. That may be the case with the report system. I do think that this will eventually iterate to a good solution that everyone is happy with. It just means we all have to work on it."

WTF?? How old are we? And, how exactly DID you get a PhD with this kind of "etiquette"?? This was rather immature and shitty of her to send. I chose not to respond - I gave it to my director to handle.

First off, there has never been a time I "did not want to do something." Asking for food to show up magically at 11:45 when IT IS 11:45 is just freaking IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless, of course, my magic wand is working...or the food comes out of my ass.

I wanted e-mails of what she wants for MY protection - so, sending me e-mails instead of face-to-face conversations is true on her end. BUT, her e-mails are unclear or twisted, and I can't figure out what the hell she wants most of the time - or, they are just completely wrong. If I try to clarify, the answers are just as twisted. It's a no-win situation there. But, my plan of e-mails is working for MY protection now, thank goodness!

Yes, I did go to my boss about my issues first - mainly because the last time I tried to handle an office conflict on my own, it blew up in my face because the person did not like hearing what was REALLY going on...and I suspect the same would have happened here. As much as I am frustrated with F right now, he is a great, great person and has been there for me more times than I can count. We are very similar in work ethics - to a fault really since we both cannot say no to things and we want to make sure things go right on something we have done - and sometimes that will cause minor friction between us. In times like this current situation, I wanted to sound off what I was feeling about S before I spoke to her (I didn't want things misconstrued, which they are anyway and probably would have been had I tried to talk to her on her own) - and he thinks that was the appropriate channel to go through. I was planning on talking to her about everything yesterday - until that second e-mail came in. It is apparent she would not be reasonable about anything.

Oh, F and I HAVE no conflict! No deep-seeded issues! We get along very, very well - and we are in no way putting her in the middle. He and I get into not-so-eye-to-eye talks sometimes, but they always work out. F and my Center Admin get into the same situations at times too. It is the nature of the amount of work we are expected to get done. She can't figure that out because she just hasn't been here long enough to see how we all work together. But, she is insisting this is the heart of the issue - that F and I are just not getting along. That is not the case AT ALL.

And, what the HELL is she sending me a personal e-mail like that from F at the end?!?! F trusted her to use it wisely, she did not. She twisted it yet again...

...Although, I must say that my Director is a CLASS ACT! He was very diplomatic in that section of e-mail...which she could not see.

I come to find out after this second e-mail that she sent some VERY disturbing e-mails to F and our Center Administrator around the same time this e-mail came in to me. Things in no way related to me - but related to others in the office, like "someone wouldn't give her a copy code" (she never asked) and "someone didn't want to give her a parking permit (because it is her responsibility to GO GET A STAFF PERMIT FROM PARKING instead of doing an end-run to not have to shell out the cash for the staff permit!!). It was so bad, F called my Center Admin in to the office on her day off to call University Relations about what to do. I am not sure what was in those e-mails - and I don't care to know. All I know is the issue is WELL beyond just me.

F talked to her again yesterday for almost an hour - she stormed out of his office (which is across from mine) afterwards. He confronted her with a lot of the crap she had been slinging - and also suggested that she talk to me to straighten things out. She does not want to talk to me - she is too "upset" about it.

Pish-pash. She got caught in her own crap.

So, she sent this at 3:59 pm yesterday:

"It would be very difficult for me to handle tomorrow's events. Is it possible to get someone else to do it? I feel quite bad about not being there to see people off after getting to know them over the week, but I have my limits. I've worked every weekend for some time now and put in such long hours this week, I'm exhausted. So I would greatly appreciate if you found a replacement."

Uh, and what am I in the working the weekends department?? Chopped liver??? So glad she acts responsibly for the position of Associate Director.

When F saw that, he told me we would use the speaker to moderate today - and that he would give her the chance to change her mind and have her show up. BUT, when I checked my e-mail last night, I saw this response instead:

"I am sorry that this week has been so exhausting for you. These one-week programs are intensive and everyone works hard at them.

I have to say that telling me at 3:59 PM on a Friday afternoon that you felt you couldn't come in for the planned Saturday morning session of the Reconnect program was not acceptable. However, luckily, I have arranged for coverage so there is no need for you to come in tomorrow."

For F, them's fightin' words! F is the calmest person I know - I have only heard him yell at one person in the 9+ years I have worked here. It looks like she will be #2 soon enough.

I am not sure what is going to happen at this point - all I know is F and my Center Admin trust me and my work and my judgment. They feel I took the right steps to rectify this (especially NOT having talked to her on my own because it would have gotten twisted anyway), and she twisted and turned it to attempt to work in her favor - which it has not. My Center Admin thinks she just an outright cookoo clock and wants to see her go. F is a little more cautious because we DO work for a University and it is hard to fire someone without justification (although she is still in the 90 day trial period of employment - he can terminate without cause right now).

I think the heart of the matter here is she likes to do research, not administrative stuff. Writing reports and moderating programs is probably NOT what she expected out of this job - and she's not happy. She wants to write her papers...but that is not what the job is!

Which is not OUR problem, now is it?

She is still commuting from New York to get here - and she has less than 3 weeks to find a new place around here before she looses her lease on the current house. I think she has been stalling finding a new place (which would require finding a good school district for her 3 children) because she doesn't like her duties here - and was trying to find a way out.

She may have found that out - but not on her terms.

Well, at least the programs are over as of today...I am slowly beginning to dig out of my piles and come back to civilization and learning the Bass Guitar.

I am not sure what is going to happen with her... If she ends up staying, I hope we can come to some sort of workable truce... If she goes, then my workload will get heavier again until a replacement can be found.

I'll keep you posted...

Me and my Magic Wand

See this?

This is my Magic Wand.

I can do ANYTHING with this magic wand.

Anything.





No, REALLY, I can!

I can...

...make a catered lunch appear out my ass about 45 minutes before it is supposed to show up from the caterers...just because the main speaker is hungry and forgot to eat breakfast.

...fly someone from South Africa back to the US under $200...after the guy screws up and leaves the US to attend a workshop there - violating his visa status and of course is not allowed back into the US (did I mention I can get him the new visa too?).

...reinvent the e-mail program we use for mailing list...just so our Director can just browse all of the e-mail addresses without looking at anything else that would waste time.

...summon my intuition...so I can come up with an international banking code for my Director's bank account for a payment from Ireland.

Funny, my magic wand seems to only work here at work... It seems to malfunction everywhere else - like, where I REALLY could use it.


....I think I need a new job...


I have just about had it working here.

Isn't it ironic....

Don't you think?

So many of us blog about not being able to have children, whether it be because of infertility issues, miscarriage or a combination of the two... whether it be our first child or seventh we are trying to conceive...

Well, how ironic is this story for all of us, which I saw on Good Morning America before heading into work this morning:

Cash for Kids: Japan's Employers Offer 'Baby Bonuses'

Apparently, Japan is facing a rapidly aging and now shrinking population - the number of elderly citizens is surpassing the number of children being born. This is mainly attributed to the rising costs of raising their young (well, hell, we have that too!) and career goals/lifestyle of child-bearing-aged women.

I can't shake the feeling that this news story is beginning to parallel the measures society was taking in the book Children of Men (see my post on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade #2: Children of Men, with links to the Barren Bitches Book Brigade tours) - they are taking "extreme measures" to try to ensure the population does not die off.

See, Mel, how your book tour is transcending your initial hopes of infertility education!

The Japanese government and many private industries are beginning to make parenthood a "lucrative" proposition...paying a few hundred dollars to the couple who has one child, and upwards of $40,000 for five or more children!

Hell, with that kind of cash, I could take almost a full year off of work!

But, what is the United States doing wrong??? There are so many of us who desperately want a child, and we are fighting like hell for someone to cover it. I am in a very small minority with my infertility coverage: My employers pay for by health benefits 100% (not only for me, but for Hubby and for Chris), and that coverage has extensive IF coverage (six medicated IUI's per successful pregnancy, 4 IVF cycles lifetime, managed-care high-risk pregnancy programs). The chances of me having to mortgage my life to have a child are few - and I am forever grateful for that.

But, imagine living in a country where they would PAY for the infertility treatments?!?! I think there would be a huge wave of US immigrants to Japan for coverage like that!

And, let's not also forget to mention the benefits Japanese companies are adding on AFTER the child is born: free on-site daycare (emphasis on the free here), longer maternity leave, in addition to the money they are paying to have the child in the first place.

Again, I am lucky because my mom and MIL watch Chris while I am at work, so I don't have to worry about who is caring for my child and how much it will cost - but, yet again, I am in the minority here.

Oh, I was also able to take three months maternity leave on full pay because the policy here is you have to use all of your sick time before going on disability - and I had three months worth of sick days to blow through. But, next time I need to take maternity leave (how optomistic is that statement!), I won't be so lucky - I don't have 5+ years worth of sick time accrued now.

It is sad that these women (and men, since it does take two to tango) don't want children - but, I do have to give them credit for being honest about their decision and not having children just because society says so. I think their honesty in that decision could have a positive affect on the youth in the long run...

Isn't it ironic...

Don't you think?

Major, MAJOR rant ahead about unwarrented "advice"

Well, I have a major rant to post... And, luckily for anyone reading this today, I have had about 24 hours to calm down about it - so, the language should be a little less, well, colorful today.

Hubby and I are trying to improve the outside of our house by doing different gardening projects each weekend (yes, yes, I am still going to post about Mommy's Garden...eventually...). so, of course, projects like this require multiple trips to gardening centers, home improvement stores, etc., etc. Yesterday morning, our "mission" was to get additional mulch for the garden, look at new sheds and buy railroad-tie-like pieces of wood to designate the flower beds that we are planting in the front and side of our house. Easy trip, no? Well, yes...




...Until you run into someone you don't even know who has "advice" to offer....on something COMPLETELY unrelated to gardening!

When we arrived at Lowe's, we managed to find one of those nifty race-car carts - Chris loved it the second he saw it (usually the are all taken - we stalked a family who was leaving for it), grabbing the play steering wheel before we could get his feet inside the cart. Once we got him buckeled in, I put his travel bag next to him (the cart is designed for two kids), gave him his drink and told Hubby to head into the store - I would follow as soon as I looked at the flowers outside the store (I was looking for additional Aster's). I looked around a bit, didn't see the Aster's, then decided to go inside to find the boys...

As I entered the garden center, this older woman stops me and asks, "Was that your son with your husband in the cart?"

Uh, well, could have been mine I suppose... There were A LOT of families in the garden center at eleven o'clock in the morning!

So, I resonded with "I suppose, although there are a lot of husbands with kids in the store right now. Why?"

"Oh, sure, well, is your son autistic?" she asked.

My jaw literally hit the floor. I was looking around quickly for a stong shovel to pick it up!

What the HELL kind of question is that to ask someone when 1) she isn't sure the child she is talking about is even mine and 2) she doesn't know us!

I asked her, "So, why exactly do you think he has autism?"

She responded, "Well, my neice's son is autistic. Your son was doing a behavior that her son displays."

Now, I know what behavior she is talking about - that is the hand flapping he does when he gets excited. But, hand flapping is a SECONDARY sign, not a primary. I have read several resources for signs (not to mention, I did study childhood psych in college...): His verbal HAS NOT regressed (he is improving constantly, although is still a little behind for his age), he is MORE THAN affectionate, he looks you right in the eye when spoken to or addressed, he follows commands easily...the list can go on. So freakin' what if he hand flaps when he gets excited! There is a HELL of a lot to see in a garden store, moron!

And, since starting nursery school, that behavior is getting less and less prominent...

So, still trying to shake the shock a bit, I asker her, "Uh, just how old do you think my son is?"

She responded, "Oh, four or five?"

"Try, he just turned three just two weeks ago."

"Oh, well."

"And," I replied, "my son is not autistic."

"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to try to give you some advice," she responded.

I walked away after that and went into the store to find my well-behaved, happy to see me son. If I had not, I probably really would have laid into her in the middle of the store.

What the HELL was this woman thinking? Does she go up to children in wheel chairs and ask their parents "was this from birth or a car accident?" Who is she to give advice based on her neice's son being autistic? I don't need her - a complete stranger - to give me advice on autism when I know people who's children are. If I had questions, I would turn to them and our doctors, not a stranger.

Who in the hell does she think she is???

I can't imagine what other families go through when their child is in fact autistic, or have other disabilities. People are so freakin stupid....in the "name" of "intelligence."

Now, I am waiting for an eval to be done - for speech - in August (that is a whole other rant...). This is a full neurological eval since that is what my ped wants first. If, and I say IF, the do find he is on the spectrum, then we will address it. But, I highly doubt he is - he just needs a push with his speech.

But, it is NOT this woman's business if he IS!

On a humorous note, a friend of ours stopped over at our house later on in the day (well after this incident) and he said it was too bad I didn't think fast enough on my feet. I asked him why, and he said I should have said to her:

"No, my son isn't autistic. But, I have Tourette's - FUCK YOU!"

Too bad I didn't think of that.

A Pediatrician rant and getting back on the TTC horse...

Yesterday was one of THOSE days....and I ended up having to take a Xanex last night before bed because the pressure began to be too much to sleep off. Feel like a crumb for having to have taken it - I hadn't taken a Xanex in 2 weeks. I probably could have gone without it if I had really tried, but to be on the safe side and NOT feel worse, I took it.

Which leaves me the problem of how the hell am I going to be able to TTC in June/July (or TTC at all) if I still need to take Xanex here and there?

This sucks.

Anyways, on to the many reasons WHY of why I took the Xanex last night...

We had Chris' three-year check-up yesterday morning. Chris, being 98% daddy and 2% me, has a huge FEAR of the pediatrician (better yet, ANY PERSON involved in the medical profession: Nurses, lab techs, receptionists...anyone in scrubs!). Also being 98% daddy and 2% me, he KNOWS the pediatrician's building and starts crying the second he sees it from the car (light, a light away).

...Guess you can see where this is going, right?

Every trip is an adventure in anxiety and panic - for him and us.

MIL rode over with me because I wasn't sure if DH would make it (and we need 2 people in the room to calm him down and hold him down for vaccinations). After getting stuck in traffic, making us 10 minutes late for his appointment, we approached the intersection where the office building is. Chris was fine the entire time, throught the traffic - until he saw the building. Of course, the crying and breathing hard started from the back seat - mind you, this is not a temper tantrum, but a true fear of the office (which has since translated into fear of elevators and any building that may look like the pediatrician's building). We parked and got him out of the car - as we started to walk towards the building, Chris started crying harder and saying "No!!!" over and over again as he dragged his feet.

People must have been talking about us as they passed in their cars...

Poor thing - I feel like I am sentancing him to the electric chair every time we go there.

He cried all the way into the building, up the stairs, through the hallway and into the waiting room. After I signed in, Chris calmed down a little bit -- after I dragged out his toy school bus and some cars. Daddy then showed up - making us look like a fleet of worry-warts to the others in the waiting room. He was able to get Chris even more calmed down, to the point of laughing a bit.

...Then the nurse called his name, and the water-works began yet again.

We got in the room, and the nurse does the usual intake questions: Any concerns we have, vaccines he will be getting, height and weight. The nurse was very nice - and new! So, she actually attempted to calm him down - which she did long enough to get his height and weight done (40 inches tall and 47 lbs!! It's no wonder I can't lift him anymore!). After that was done, we waited for the doctor. Normally, we are asked if we have a preference of doctor: Dr. M (the older, male doctor Hubby had as a teenager) or Dr. A (younger female doctor). We usually like Dr. M because of experience and history of knowing the family. But, Dr. A was the only one there yesteday morning.

When the doctor (Dr. A) came in, Chris started up again. Immediately, she seemed annoyed. She started out explaining which vaccines he was getting and ask us what questions we had - MISTAKE #1. She should have gone over questions AFTER the actual exam so MIL could have shuttled Chris out the door. I went through my list: Potty training (not much info given so not much help there), speech (yet again, not much info give, and was told to wait about seeking an evan for another month or so) and allergies (just given a script for Clarinex - based on our story of allergies. WTF is that supposed to mean?). I pushed a little bit more on the speech issue - so, she gave me a phone number for a pediatric neurologist. More on that later.

After my questions were "answered," she did her exam - at which point Chris really started screaming and crying. Amidst the crying, she makes a comment "Does he always give you temper tantrums like this at home?" MISTAKE #2.

I told her he DOES NOT give us temper tantrums at all - that his is a FEAR of the doc's office! WTF? It is quite clear he is scared to death of coming here - wouldn't you if you were little and having to get shots?

After she was done with the exam, she was very rushed with us, trying to get to the next patient. We put Chris' shoes back on and as we were leaving, she made a comment that only my MIL heard and told me later on last night, "Now, that was over the top!" MISTAKE #3.

Over the top? My child is deathly afraid of you, and you think he is having a temper tantrum? How about you STOP explaining that this is his check-up and make an attempt at engaging him a little bit? If we had Dr. M in there, he would have been playing with the balloons my MIL was blowing up behind the doc's back to try to make him laugh. I guess we were just the circus in town trying to get Chris to calm down.

Someone told me once that smart kids cry when they go to the doctor - Chris better win a Nobel Prize when he gets older!

So, I called the pediatric neurologist - not waiting the month she suggested because Chris ends nursery school for the summer in June and I would like to see improvement vs. waiting for improvement in his speech in the fall when nursery school starts again - and the receptionist told me that I was calling the wrong place. If it was only speech we were concerned with, then we just needed speech pathology.

Sooooo, Hubby was calling Dr. M's office back this morning to talk directly to him about Chris' speech AND how we were treated yesterday. I know Chris is hard to handle with his fears - but at least make an attempt!

After the appointment was over, I drove Chris and my MIL home and left for work. When I got to work, it was downhill from there: Slammed with more travel reservations for a workshop we are running in South Africa in June (did I mention we have added Travel Agent to my job duties???), an ornery participant who didn't want to shell out the price for airfare and wanted us to make the reservations yet was not happy with the reservations he was getting, and trying to get other work done before my boss gets back tomorrow from his trip. Amongst that, Dr. D's office calls and says (in response to a message Hubby left for them last week about questions with TTC - isn't Hubby a dear for calling with his own concerns!) that he will not consider doing anything with TTC until I am done with Dr. S and the Thyroid appears to be under control.

Not what I needed yesterday.

Luckily, I am posting this today - I probably would have been waaaay more bitchy about Dr. D's call yesterday.

I was very disappointed with that call yesterday... It seems every time I MIGHT be getting closer to the horse, he bucks away. But, I am feeling more logical about it today - and am trying to really use my anxiety methods I have learned from Dr. P to NOT overblow the situation. I know that I cannot TTC until my TSH is below 2.0 - I have the retest around May 23rd (two months after starting Levoxyl). Dr. P answered all of my questions I had (and, yes, the 18 day cycle was probably triggered by the Levoxyl!) and is confident that my TSH will be down from the 3.3-ish it was in mid-March. So, once I get the b/w back, THEN I will know if I can put the saddle back on the horse and contact Dr. D.

Not necessarily a road-block - yet.

So, now I just need to decide the HOW I want to go about TTC again: Clomid or injectables. If you are on Fertility Friend, I posted a poll in the TTC over 12 months board:

What meds should I use in TTC again?

So far, 61% say I should move to injectables...which would mean the IF clinic at the hospital instead of Dr. D doing the cycle. I am still not sure what to do - trust that my body can figure itself out on Clomid now that 1) I weight a hell of a lot less than I did starting out TTC #2 in 7/05 and 2) the Hashi's is being treated and my body is already responding? Or, just push to the next level and ensure a GOOD ovulation from the start? Any ideas to help ease my mind? The cycle is totally up to me - I want to try to trust my body, yet I don't want to waste more time...

So, what's goin' on??

Talk about being scarce these days... I think this has been the longest hiatus from my blog except for my vacation in September 2006!

What has been keeping me away? Well, first,

Work!!

Now, I truly love my boss. He has been so very supportive of me, and of us as a family and wanting to deperately add to this family. BUT, the workload - not just for myself, but for almost all of us here - has been just insane. Everything is a priority these days - and everything is an exception. There are no more "standards" in how things are handled any more, so I get slapped with special projects and urgent things constantly. It just feels busier than ever.

But, at least I can say that I have been handling the stress and deadlines with WAAAAY more grace than I have been in the past year - no wanting to bite people's heads off, no bursting out crying in my office, no feeling of pressure in my chest. So, I guess that is a good thing. Haven't even taken my Xanex!

I just don't know how my boss does it - he's my dad's age (63) and I get e-mails from all times of the night of things that need to get done... And, I can't stay awake past 9:30 at night!

Anyways, it feels like the Levoxyl is really taking hold now - some of my symptoms of the Hashi's seem to be fading a bit, like the feeling of a sore/full throat, the constant fatigue day and night (now really only appearing later at night). So, it is nice to be feeling a little better physically. I did fax over to Dr. S my laundry list of questions today I had about treatment now and through pregnancy - including bloodwork back from my RLP that actually showed me boarderline for the antibodies (Dr. D never picked that up, with the 2.910 TSH level). So, we will see what she has to say about my questions. I want to make sure I am doing my best to control this before TTC in the summer.

Hubby is rather depressed lately - his job just sucks right now and he sees no way out of it. I swear his boss is Biopolar and doesn't want to hear that he is: one day, he's Hubby's best friend, the next he's a raving lunatic bitching if I call him just to see how his day is going. (But, we did get a fancy-shmancy new Uniden coardless phone system for the house since he couldn't use it for the office.) Hubby sent out a huge 200-piece mailing of his resume a few weeks ago that was put together by a recruiter, and he has either been on interviews or going to go on interviews - but no offers yet. I am hoping he gets an offer very soon - no matter where it is right now. He really needs to get out of there - so much so that I told him that maybe he could sell his "toys" from when he was in high school/college (things he doesn't look at at all and are stored in tubs at his parents house right now) and if he gets enough money from it, then maybe he could just quit and look for something new. He needs to get out of there before he really let's the guy have it. Hope it is soon - or else I might have to go up to that office and give him some hell myself!

Chris is being a complete nut, as usual. He refuses to talk about school (although I know he is having a good time there), but will talk endlessly about the buses/trucks/fire engines/police cars he sees while in the car. Definitely a guy's guy! Especially since he has figured out how to make himself burp, and then say "Nice Burp! Excuse me!" in the back seat of the car. How lovely. I am still going to ask about speech therapy at his three-year check-up next week - he has improved soooo much with speech, but I think he could use a little more of a push. I do have to get back to my Christopher Friday posts - I had a great time posting them, and everyone seemed to have a good time reading them. Since my boss is not gone for about a week, I might have time to post a new one amongst trying to catch up with work.

The preparations for Chris' third birthday party are in full swing now! We are doing a Go! Diego, Go! theme this year - since he carries around his Diego buddy everywhere now. So, I am designing a birthday cake free-hand this year (I'll post pics of how good or bad it turns out to be!). Please pray there is no rain on May 5th - or else I'll have 9 screaming kids running around in my not-yet-expanded living room! Then again, since I seem to have forgotten to put WHERE the party is on the invitation, maybe we won't have that many kids after all!

We visited with E&T over the weekend - finally for Christmas! Talk about poor timing there (neither of us could find a weekend that matched up until now!). But, it was nice - we exchanged gifts for the kids, took Chris and Katie out to this really nice playground down in Brick. It was just fabulous! Huge, nicely cushioned with recylced tires. Then, we headed out for dinner - both kids were very well behaved. And, then we headed back to their house to visit for a while.

Hubby and E were in the kitchen with coffee, T and I were in the living room with the kids. Somehow, we got on the topic of TTC again - and was a rather interesting conversation, and rather honest on her part.

T's older sister B got married the day after Hubby and I did in 1998 - E&T were both in grad school in South Dakota at the time, and since E was in our wedding and T was in both weddings, we had to plan the weddings on the same weekend. B and her (now ex-)hubby started TTC about 2 years after getting married and nothing happened. She went through so many tests, and no one could figure out why she wasn't getting pregnant. Fastforward a few years and they end up divorced anyway - blessing in disguise, right? Well, maybe...

T had been complaining for a while that B never came to spend time with Katie - B at most has spent maybe 10-15 hours in the past 16 months with Katie (including the baptism), and always finds a way to get out of coming to visit. T is upset because she would like to see Katie have a relationship with her aunt - but her sister keeps side-stepping it. T's mom said - as have I - that maybe she isn't comfortable with being around Katie because of her infertility and now divorce. T for a while had agreed - T also had problems getting pregnant and finally did get PG after being diagnosed diabetic and using injectables/IUI. But, you know how you should not always read a book by it's cover?? Turns out there is another reason for her absence - and one that I had not ever expected to hear:

Turns out B had a partial-birth abortion at 4 1/2 months PG with her now-fiancee around the time Katie was born.

Uhhh....can you say I was rather stunned and, well, cold at hearing that? I know B fairly well - she can be bitchy, but has always been pleasant towards me. She is smart (if she uses it) and pretty (if she allows herself to be). Never in a million years did I think she would do something like this, especially after having tried so long to try to conceive with her ex.

I am in the minority of knowing this now - only E&T know, and now me and Hubby. T's mother doesn't even know. T decided to tell me about it because 1) it has been bothering her for a very long time, 2) I understand more about IF and the emotions that go with it and 3) she is so disgusted with her sister over it. E&T apparently had offered to take the baby and raise it as their own if B and her fiancee didn't want that the baby (her fiancee told her he didn't want children, and she figured she couldn't have children, so the baby was really a surprise). She said it would have been tough to do it - but, they would have managed raising two children and would have been willing to give custody back if B and her fiancee ever changed their minds. But, B was apparently more concerned about herself and her relationship with the fiancee (who said he would break things off if she didn't terminate the pregnancy) to take them up on the offer, and chose to terminate the pregnancy.

I was rather upset hearing it - and T told me that she expected I would be, and she was sorry to spring it on my on Saturday. But, she needed to talk, and couldn't talk to really anyone about it. I was glad, though, that she told me because the discusssion turned into much more than discussing the newest ghost in someone's closet.

T went on to tell me that E wanted another baby - which I kinda knew from my own catching of hints for a while from E. But, T isn't so sure she wants another child now. As I mentioned, T had to use injectables/IUI to get PG with Katie - Clomid never worked for her. And, considering how careful she needed to be with the diabetes in PG and what means she had to go through to get PG, she just isn't sure she wants to do it again - and take that time away from Katie.

...And, she isn't so sure she can love another child as much as she loves Katie.

You know, that is something I never really thought about in TTC another child?

Now, she is coming from a very broken home - her parents are divorced, her father remarried when she was about 10 years old and has a son with the new wife (whom T is actually very close with - very nice woman!), her mother is a BEOCH from Hell (so much so that she refused to be in pictures at their wedding with her father)! Her mother always chose men over her daughters (hence her sister's actions) and never set a good example for her children. Her mother favored one over the other at various points in their lives for any given reason - so, it is very hard for her to understand that you can actually love two (or more) children equally.

So, I told her that 1) she is younger than I am, so really, she has time and doesn't have to make a decision to have more children right now. She can take her time with that and not rush into it. And 2) she should talk to moms she admires and ask them about how they love more than one child. I told her that I think it is absolutely possible to love two (or more) children equally. But, I also think that that love can be different because each child is different. For example, I love my neices and nephews equally - but differently because their personalities are very different from one another. Does that make sense?

I also told her that I think, unless she was to get PG by accident (since her cycles have kinda regulated after having Katie - lucky her!), she needs to really want another child to get back on that bandwagon. Her hubby can't force her into that - nor should she force him into wanting another child if he didn't want another child. They need to be in as much agreement on what they want as they were when they were TTC Katie. I told her that I WANT another child - to share my life with, to share my family's lives with, and to give Chris a sibling to grow up with. And, so does my hubby, as long as the next try doesn't hurt my emotional state any more than it already has. I don't think I am/we are being selfish in that need. I feel like my family isn't quite complete yet, although I do truly love and miss my angel babies and they will always be a part of our family. And, if this next attempt at another child really doesn't work out (meaning I have another miscarriage that is the result of my body backfiring), then I will have to come to accept my family IS complete as it is.

She said she truly appreciated my input - and my understanding of how she feels. So, we will see what happens for them... They have turned into wonderful parents (especially E) - despite fears of their relationship when they first got married. I think out of the many couples that we have known that have gotten married, E&T are the ones that surpised us the most - got their act together and have a rather happy marriage and life.

...The story to continue the next time we get together with them...

Hello??? Body??? What the hell are you doing now??? And, moody rant to boot!

Okay... I am making a concerted effort NOT to chart - Anything. Nothing. Except for AF and meds on the AF days.

So, why? Why, oh why, stupid body, are you deciding to give me cramps and spotting on CD 19, 20 and 21?? What the hell are you up to?? Can't you give me a break already and do what you are supposed to do? Just give me a somewhat normal cycle and call it a day? Can't you just be nice for once?

Of course, along with the spotting is my lovely PMS backache and some moodiness... Not really anxiety moodiness, but moodiness for moodiness' sake. Lovely.

...The moodiness is so bad, that I actually told my MIL last night to not talk behind my back when it concerns things with Christopher. Uh, if I am in the bathroom with Christopher trying to do a potty session, I can hear you wispering to Hubby from the kitchen - and I can hear what you are saying! Ooops! Did I mean to say that???? HeeeHeee!

We are having an on-going disagreement on how to handle Christopher's "hand-flapping," which he has done for a long time, and only when he is excited (like, when his Thomas trains are moving around the blue track set - they are moterized). We don't want him to look like a weird-o in school, so we are trying to stop it now.

My feeling on it is that he needs adjectives to describe the excited feelings he has - which he can't yet express in words. So, when he does the hand-flapping, I take a hold of his hands and say to him, "No flapping. Say "Cool!" "Awesome!" "Fantastic!" ____ insert another adjective here." He is responding well to it when I am consistent, and when he says an adjective, he stops the flapping.

Pretty straight-forward actions, right? Apparently not.

My MIL feels that we should tell him to stop - repeatedly, with no explanation as to why he shouldn't flap. She is not listening to me on the WHY he is doing it in the first place and will not acknowedge that my solution (which is the MOMMY'S solution, after all. Remember, I am the MOMMY here!) may be the better route (uh, Hubby and my FIL agree with me, by the way).

So, when she decided to whisper to Hubby last night that what I was saying was wrong and that her way was the right way, I had to assert myself and make my point clear: 1) I won't be talked about behind my back, especially when I can hear you doing it and 2) there may be a better solution to this than just saying "no," which has NOT worked at all up to this point.

I HATE, HATE, HATE when people do that - and now that I am learning not put myself and my feelings on the back-burner, I am going to assert myself when I feel I need to....which was last night. She was kinda shocked that I did that - as was everyone else. But, hey, I didn't start counseling, meds and restructuring my life to only go half way with it, right?

Anyone have any ideas on the hand-flapping thing?? I am open to suggestions...although my MIL is not.

Damn the Fates!

So, it looks like the start of the last month of the year and before TTC has swiftly become a reality check I wasn't expecting to get...

When I came home Friday night from work, I could tell Chris wasn't feeling good - he was very hot to the touch (although everyone disagreed with me) and was just not himself. After a feeble attempt at eating dinner, I told Hubby to make it quick eating his dinner and let's get Chris home. Around 7:30 pm, after 2 hours of watching him just mope and cry, we put Chris in the tub to get him to bed - and he promptly puked in it. Poor thing....he cried so hard because he was sooo scared of what was happening. After he got it out of his system, he perked up a bit - we let him watch the Backyardigans for a while, and at 10 pm he was tired enough to fall asleep. Hubby and I were up all night checking him (he slept in our bed with Hubby - I got ousted to the futon because there was no more room for me... I think we need a California King!), rescuing our penguin at 1:00 AM from the front of the house since the high winds decided it needed to take a walk to the neighbor's across the street, and being startled awake by our ADT alarm going off at 3:00 AM because the wind blew on one of the doors so hard, it set the house alarm off... What a night!

But, Chris is feeling much better - still not sure if it was an actual stomach virus since he was absolutely fine yesterday and today. But, he is feeling better and that's the important thing.

Now....onto the rest of it...

Hubby and I have had to come to tough decision today that we have to put of TTC a bit longer. I am pissed...but there is just not much we can do about it. And, really, its no one's fault in particular.

My mother took a header down her front stairs last night (which I found out about this morning...) - the CT scan of her leg is showing a fracture in her knee. So, there is no way she can care for Chris right now until she sees an orthopedic doctor tomorrow and finds out how long it is going to take to heal. On top of that, they had to do a CT scan of her head since she smacked it too (with a beautiful black eye!) and they found what looks like the aftermath of a possible mini-stroke from the past - she has to follow up with her/our GP (she, too, sees Dr. McC) to see what further tests need to be run to see what is going on. We are still not sure if it was a mini-stroke or not - she doesn't remember feeling anything like that at all. So, we have to wait and see what's going on with that.

So, with that now and my father's impending hip replacement in January and my FIL's surgery on December 20th for his wound on his foot - and the fact that my stomach issues are still here, worse than ever this weekend - there is just no way we can consider TTC in January. There is just too much stress right now....especially with how I am going to work out care for Chris since I can't afford to take the time off of work until my mom recovers. And, I just have too much work to get done.

All of our plans are blown out of the water, yet again. To say I am upset is an understatement... Maybe I should just take the hint that I keep getting over and over again and call TTC over for good. Every time I think I am getting ahead with this, the rug gets pulled. I don't understand it.

I'll be back to post when I have myself a little bit more together and can post a little more coherently.

Updates, Updates and Updates...and crappy workload!

I am FINALLY getting back to post an update after the "wedding of the century" (which, by the way, went very well.... Will post pics of Chris in his monkey suit very soon (he looked very smashing!).

I am just "down" at the moment because this is the first time I have had the chance to either post here or on my BG's in more than 2 weeks! Work has been kicking my ass like crazy - everything is a priority, everything needed to be done yesterday...and some of it is because others involved in the projects NOT at Rutgers have dragged their feet on their jobs, which turn it into a rush for me. It is very aggrivating - not to mention, I feel like I am dropping the ball on my end and things are falling through the cracks, which is not how I like to work. The stress is the highest it has been in a long time here, and it's not going to get any easier until well into the new year - just in time for me to get back into TTC. Something has to give here...just not sure what. So, I hope that, now that the wedding is over, maybe I can at least post on the weekends...

For now, on to the updates I can get to today...

In my "Update to "...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!"" post from 9/27, I went over where I stood with my current bloodwork... Here is how all of that stands now with the bloodwork I had done on 10/27 (Dr. D was holding the bloodwork results "hostage" until we met for our TTC consult on Monday night...more on that and the appointment with the other upper-GI doc after the results of all of the bloodletting):

For the MTHFR issues (which is the BIGGIE with TTC again and the #1 factor in my miscarriages thus far):

Homocysteine levels:

• from May: 10.8
• from August: 15.3
• from October 27: 3.9
• average range limits: 3.3-10.4 (although the limits on the 10/27 bloodwork says limits are 5.0-12.0, and I am below that!).

WhooHoooo! This is the BEST news I could have received on Monday! That means that the Folgard I have been taking since August 30th has really been working and, although according to one range I am low, it puts me in a great position to TTC again without complications!

For Thyroid issues:

TSH:

• from July 15: 2.555
• from August 15: 1.964
• from September 22: 2.012
• from October 27: 2.204
  
• Average range limits: 0.350-5.500

T3:

• from July 15: Not run
• from August 15: 26
• from September 22: 24
• from October 27: 33
• Average range limits: 24-39

T4:

• from July 15: 12.1
• from August 15: 13.6
• from September 22: 7.2
• from October 27: 7.1
• Average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Free T4:

• from July 15: not run
• from August 15: 3.5
• from September 22: 1.07
• from October 27: 2.3
• Average range limits: 1.2-4.9

As far as the thyroid stuff is concerned, I am still well within average limits despite the elevated anti-thyroid antibodies (which was not tested this time around), but I am still above the 2.0 TSH mark that Dr. S (the endocrinologist) wants it to be before Janaury. I have yet to speak to her about the results (I am going to call her today to confirm she received the results of the bloodwork) - but, I am sure that after it is re-tested at the end of this month, it still won't be below 2.0 and I will probably have to start taking meds for that. That is the crappy news, but not necessarily terrible because Dr. D still feels she is "nickle and diming" the number - although he will still defer to her on how she wants to handle it.

CD 3 Hormone check:

FSH:

from October 27: 4.7
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 2.5-10.2

LH:

from October 27: 10.1
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 1.9-12.5

So, as always, I am well within average ranges - despite the irregular cycles. Gotta love it!

Now, onto the nitty-gritty of the doctors' visits from Monday:

I met with Dr. Stef on 11/13 around 3 pm. I had seen him before I got PG with Chris because I was crampy all of the time and Dr. D wanted me to see him to rule out intestinal issues - of course, I had the lovely scope done then (with anesthesia, of course!) and found I had a few Diverticuliti (not a big deal right now and quite common, unless it develops into Diverticulitis later on - which means scoping every 5 years - yuck!) and IBS. I explained what has been going on since April/May/June with the stomach pressure and nausea/vomiting episodes and how Dr. R did nothing about it (and how Dr. McC had to step in and put me on Librax to ease it off). He said what I have is called Gastritis/Gastro-Dyspepsia. He is pulling me off Librax and putting me back on Ativan/Lorazepam....again. If you recall from the spring, Lorazepam is what was suspected in triggering the GERD issues - so, I am not quite thrilled about trying it again for that reason, not to mention it is ALSO a Category C-D drug for pregnancy: Known fetal risks.

Although I am rather hesitant to take it again, the one thing he did that Dr. R didn't do was schedule a real follow-up on December 4th to see if the Lorazepam is working. If it is, but is causing GERD again, he will add in Aciphex again to stop that until the Gastritis ceases. He assured me we have plenty of time before January to get this really corrected so we can get back to TTC. It was a good appointment...now, I just have to make the switch of meds, which I will do over the weekend since Lorazepam used to knock me out cold!

Hubby and I met later in the evening (around 7 pm) with Dr. D for the TTC consult, which went extremely well!

He is thrilled to see the homocysteine levels way down - and, told me that there is a new prenatal vitamin coming out that is made specifically for issues like mine, which he will switch me to once my current prescription runs out. So, I should only need one pill instead of two.

We discussed the baby aspirin/blood thinners idea and he said for now, not to take them. He may add in baby aspirin once I am PG because he has read all of the new studies too and it might be a good benefit for me after I am PG. But, taking into consideration my current stomach issues, he thinks taking it would be more detrimental to implantation than beneficial for the MTHFR issues. My homocystein, which is the real culprite for me since I am not testing positive for any other clotting disorders, is his main concern and it is down so well, he doesn't feel I need anything more right now. So, I stopped taking it as of Tuesday.

ETA: I did talk to Dr. D about my stomach issues and the meds I am on for that, since I had just seen Dr. Stef earlier in the day. Although lorazepam is a Category C-D drug for PG, he said it is not the worst of meds to be on getting PG. If the lorazepam works to help my stomach and I am still taking it when I get PG, I will need to come off it - and, if my stomach starts raging again, he will work with Dr. Stef to see what med would be safe to take when I am PG. So, that helps my reservations a bit about the lorazepam...for now. He does, however, want to make sure my stomach is better BEFORE starting TTC - if it is not, he wants to hold off until it is. Otherwise, how can I eat well, right?

He is going to check into the BC/BS High-Risk OB Managed Care program for me - if he can enroll me now so every doc is on the same page, he will. If enrollment has to wait until I am finally PG, he will make sure that happens right away. This is most important because Dr. McC's office staff are not the most compitent folks you could ever run across and he too has had problems getting messages to the doctors. So, he wants to make sure fluid communication is happening for me too.

We went over our TTC limits and, although he glad to see we have discussed this, he doesn't feel we will have to get to that point. He told me about one of his patients who had 9 miscarriages in between child #1 and #2 and he said that, statistically, she would eventually have a healthy pregnancy. But, he said that it got to the point where at each 8-week u/s, he had to tell her the baby was no longer living and she would go home to miscarry. He could never find out what the issue was - and she did eventually have child #2. But, he said that after a while, he couldn't understand how many more times she was going to put herself through it and was going to suggest that she stop TTC, at least for a while anyway. He is glad that for us, he will never have to force us to stop - we are looking at this in the right frame of mind and with the best of intentions for the perfect little guy we do have with it. It was very refreshing for him to hear that.

Last, but not least, we discussed the dreaded "protocol" for January...

He is giving us more say in how the cycle protocols, which is wonderful because we do have limits in place on how far we are willing to go. He gave us two options: Either try Clomid again for up to 4 cycles (number of cycles is up to us) and then move on to injectibles, or go straight to injectibles.

The drawbacks to going straight to injectibles are 1) he would chose to refer us out to the St. Barnabas IF clinic so I could be monitored more closely and in conjunction with the MFM clinic; 2) the chances of hyperstimulation are greater: If I did hyperstim, then that may mean a forced TTC break again, which we want to avoid; and 3) I would be responsible for injecting myself with the stims and the trigger (which, really, is no big deal in my world...but then again, I am responsible for doing it at the right time every day).

The drawbacks to trying Clomid again are that 1) we don't know what kind of reaction I will have to it - will it be like the previous cycles or better like when I conceived Chris? and 2) I will have to do OPKs in addition to his u/s monitoring - and I wanted to minimize the amount of "charting" I had to do on my own.

But, what I have in my HUGE favor right now is that I have lost 30-35 pounds since we first started TTC in 7/05 - which can make a big difference in how Clomid works. I weigh less than I did when I got PG with Chris on 50 mg Clomid - and he will be starting me off on 100 mg from the start this time around, if that is what we chose to do.

So, we decided to give Clomid one more chance - 2-3 cycles at most, starting at 100 mg and if that 1st cycle doesn't work, then moving on to the next 1-2 cycles on 150 mg. If that doesn't work, then we will move on to injectibles and do the referral to the clinic. All I have to do now is get a period in late December/early January and then we will be off and running....

...Of course, I highly doubt I will get a period on my own, so I am betting on needing Provera. But, sneaky me....HeeeHeee....didn't mention I still have the 9 Provera pills left that I didn't use because I got my period on my own this cycle after taking the first pill. So, if I don't have a period by Christmas day, my gift to me this year will be taking those 9 Provera pills and bringing on my own period - I just have to call and ask for the Clomid script before Christmas. just in case it starts early (Dr. D's office closed between Christmas and New Year's). HeeeHee!

So, the first step to all of this now is making sure my stomach rebounds and calms down... Keep your fingers crossed because we have 45 days until 2007 - and I would love to see a healthy BFP for my birthday on January 23rd!

There must be 50 ways to BBQ your Mother-in-Law

Uh....I have a job, right? Sure I do! I'm here right now posting to my blog (oops!)!

...But, apparently some people in the family forget that in order for me to get paid and have the super-nifty health insurance (which covers 100% of all infertility stuff - YEAH!), I actually HAVE TO DO THAT JOB!!!

My MIL has called me about 3-4 times already here at work...and it's just 10:30 am! Nothing about Chris....all about Suzi's wedding shower tomorrow...

Can you bring home thumbtacks?

Can you get wrapping paper? I need lots! Have to wrap everything.

We need 2 cards... No, 3 cards. No, 2 cards. Sorry. Forgot we went in on a gift.

I forgot to order a corsage... Crap. Should I call now? What should I get? Daisy's?

Shoot me now!

When I remind her I have a job...and some deadlines due today...I get: Oh, I just wanted to get your opinion.

Oi! I gotta get away from my phone!

Hey, it's not my problem Suzi's wedding shower (and wedding) is rushed. If she had not gotten herself knocked-up, then none of this would be a rush, right?

I want her shower to be perfect, she says.

Well, it can't be when you are planning a shower in less than 4 weeks. ...Or, a wedding in less than 8 weeks for that matter! Things have to get cut....and all 55 people you invited to the shower are not going to be able to make it - they probably had plans set in place weeks or months ago. Don't bitch over only having 24 people attending the shower... If people had known they were getting married, say last year?, more people would have been able to come.

Is it Sunday yet????? Where's my Calgon????

No one told me to take the water filter off out tap...

...in order to get knocked up!!!!

Found out last night that - besides Hubby's cousin Suzi now being pregnant and getting married quickly because of it - another (unmarried) girl in her wedding party is now 6 weeks pregnant AND a close friend of theirs is also going to be a daddy because he got his girlfriend pregnant! This all follows Suzi's matron-of-honor who ALSO got pregnant and rushed to get married in 2004 before her son was born in February 2005.

I didn't realize it was so easy to get knocked up in Essex County, NJ! Guess I better take the Brita filter off our kitchen sink tap and start drinking up! Maybe, then, I might get pregnant without Dr. D's help and actually STAY pregnant!!

I know this is the Green Eyed Monster popping up right now, but...

I don't think I am asking for too much, right? I am soooo ready for another child - but why is it so hard for me and others I know who are ready to bring a life into this world, yet so easy for those who weren't planning on this to just "have it happen."

AARRGGHHH!!!!

MIL rant up ahead...

On rare occasions, my mother-in-law and I get into discussions in which we don't quite agree...

Now, don't get me wrong - we are VERY close, which is rare in the IL world - she has been a second mother to me since Hubby and I met in 1987 at the mere age of 14 years old. She even has threatened Hubby that she would personally hang him if he ever hurt me in any way physical or had an affair (HeeHee...good to know she's got my back on that!). Hell, she was even with me when I picked up Hubby's sample from the hospital and escorted it with me to the IUI that resulted in her grandson!

Anyways, we were talking on the phone last night about various ladies I am friends with who are either having a hard time TTC #1, are having a hard time TTC #2 (like me), or are contemplating TTC again in the near future. Normally, she is extremely supportive of what we ladies are doing... But, last night she made a few comments that, after some brewing time, kinda pissed me off. Luckily, I have been in a MUCH better mood lately, so I didn't reach through the phone and bite her head off. But, her observations, none the less, bothered me.

"Back in our day, we didn't PLAN on having children. You just got married and assumed that you would have children when it happened."

Well, that's all fine and dandy if, well, your body actually wants to agree and function normally to produce a child.

Sure, I can get pregnant - but only on meds. My body refuses to ovulate on its own and play nicely when we decide we want to try for a baby, so that laid back idea of having children is not an option for us. We HAVE TO plan - plan when I will approximately get my period (since getting my period is challenge to start with), plan what chart days I have to take whatever meds, plan on picking up those lovely OPKs and use them, plan when my u/s's will be, plan when DH has to pass off his sample to the lab, plan when the IUI will be, plan make-up time for my work at my job... You get my drift.

And, then there are my friends who have to plan even MORE than what I have to because their protocols are way more complicated and rely on precise timing... How exactly does she think that someone with blocked tubes will get pregnant UNplanned?

"Aren't some of you TTC to late in your life? How are you going to keep up with the kids? I had Ken when I was 21!"

Uh, well, some of us didn't quite plan on TTC in our mid- to approaching late 30's. If I had it my way, Hubby would not have been pushed into going to law school by his parents (okay, really by my MIL), waste $100,000 on a career he doesn't like, and have that $100,000 still looming over our heads to pay off. I would have LIKED to start TTC when I was in my late 20's - but, how can you even consider trying to have a baby when you can't even afford to live in a studio apartment because of the freakin' law school loans?

Then, let's also talk about the fact that some of us weren't quite planning on it being so difficult to have a child in the first place. I wasn't counting on it taking me 18 months to TTC Chris, and I certainly wasn't counting on a year filled with failed cycles and miscarriages. Does she honestly think that someone really WANTS to spend 4+ years TTC and be closing in on 34 years old and still be waiting for the stork to arrive, like my friend S has??? Okay....we confess! We just want to bitch about it for days, weeks, months, years on end. NOT!

Who ever dictated that every woman needs to have two or more children? Isn't one enough?

...and this is coming from the same person who asked us when #2 would be coming along when Chris was less than a year old...

I don't NEED two children - I WANT two children (Hell, I'd have more if the money was available to raise them!)! Where is it written that wanting more children is a crime?

I LOVE Chris with all my heart - I would move Heaven and Earth for him, would die for him. He has filled my heart with so much love, I could never put it into words. But, has she ever thought that maybe I would like him to have a sibling? My want for a second child goes beyond my desires of feeling a baby kick in my tummy and bring a new life into this world... Chris deserves to have a sibling (or siblings, if God gives us more), if I can give one to him. Hubby has told me many times how he wished he had siblings...unfortunately, God was not kind when my MIL miscarried twin boys at 5+ months. He longed for the closeness that only siblings have (well, most anyway...my siblings are another story).

Some couples only want one child - and that is a-okay with me! But, some couples want 10 children or more, and mine is not to question that - not is it hers to question me wanted one more. Just one more.

I realize different times produce different people. But, chosing to have a child now is way more complicated than ever before - there is college to think of, expenses for living, health insurance, the list is endless. Back in her day, you got married, you had kids, then your life began when the children were grown - now, you need to have yourself financially established before you decide it is time for children, otherwise you have no cash to raise them with and you live paycheck to paycheck.

I don't need the "finer things" in my life.... I am not asking for diamonds, expensive cars and a McMansion. All I want is another, healthy child. I don't think that is too much to ask for. Right?

I wish she could just take her blinders off sometimes and see things for what they are. Life cheated her out of the things she would have liked to do or have - if she were having her miscarriage now, chances are the one who was healthy would have survived, or survived long enough for her to hold. So why question the things we want to do, if there are means to attain those wants?

Why do these people get to have more children?

One of my issues with these losses over the past 6+ months has been why some people are allowed to have children (or more children) when they do such completely idiotic, mindless, stupid things. As a perfect example of this...here is something that happened to my MIL:

We went to our Godson's 3rd birthday party on Saturday at a place called Imagine That! - a children's museum with a whole slew of exhibits for children to play with (unfortunately, it does not look as nice as it sounds....the exhibits are very old and worn out now, and no one has made the effort to update/clean things up). But, I digress... Dh and I decided to take Chris home before the end of the party (we left at 12:30 pm - the party ended shortly after that) because he missed his nap for the party and he was BEAT! My MIL and FIL decided to stay past when we did... Here is where the story begins...

By 12:45 pm, we have having the heaviest rain we have had in at least 6 months... My IL's decide to leave since the party was breaking up anyway. My FIL headed out to get the car while my MIL waited in the lobby for him to swing the car around. As she was waiting, a woman pulled up in her brandy-new Volvo station wagon and helped her DS out of the car... My MIL opened the front door for her, thinking she was coming in with the boy. The woman brought her DS in and said to him, "Now, Adam, stay here and wait for Mommy to come back." She then looked at my MIL and said "Do you mind watching him a sec?" and off she went back to the car.

At this point, the little boy proceeded to inform my MIL that he was 3 years old, he lived in a really nice neighborhood, blah, blah, blah... He sounded like he is 7 years old!

My MIL spotted the woman coming back to the door, so she yet again held the door for this woman because she was carrying a baby carrier. The woman set the baby carrier down next to Adam and said "Now, Adam, watch your baby sister and wait for Mommy." She yet again asked my MIL to watch the both of them and headed out the door without waiting for an answer.

The little boy proceeded to tell my MIL that his little sister's name was Lydia and she was 3 months old...

As my MIL stood there in shock, she watched the woman pull off and park the car at the far end of the lot. After she parked, she pulled out all of her stuff and trekked back to the door. She briskly said, "Thanks" to my MIL and went into the museum with the kids.

Uh, WTF??? That security guy that Oprah has on every once in a while would have had a FIELD DAY with this one! My MIL could have been off and running with those 2 children by the time she came back after parking the car. Sure, my MIL looks like a nice lady and very trusting, but there are a LOT of people who look trusting and end up being far from it.

My two questions for this woman are: 1) if you were attending a party (which was clear she was), why couldn't she have had someone meet her at the door to help her? and 2) if there was no one she knew attending the party, why didn't she either wait for the rain to let up (which it did 10 minutes later) OR call the facility and ask if one of the staff people could help her? She let a complete stranger watch her DC, and she walked off without a care in the world. Maybe it's just me and my "mental state" right now...but am I the only one who sees that as completely wrong to do?

...And, may I add, I got looked at very strangely by one of the parents from another party at this place for actually correcting Christopher for doing something he should not have done... I swear, I am parenting in the wrong decade!

I was so disgusted after hearing this... Kids can be snatched off in a split second - I must be Hitler in the store when we go out! I really can't understand how someone could do that...

What happened to Mother's Day?

Been a little while since posting - between work and prepping for Chris' party, there has been no time to come on and post my musings, nor go on my 'hang-outs'.

Chris' party went well, despite my hubby's lazy-ass in getting things up! I think we finally finished about 5 minutes before people started arriving. Thanks, hubby, for dropping the ball on that! Chris had fun - really enjoyed the back yard and his toys! What a little boy he is becoming! He had so much fun playing with his little friends. Will post pics when my MIL releases them from captivity (she had a colonoscopy yesterday at a Mother's Day present, so I will give her a reprieve for a few days)...

Now, on to Mother's Day... Guess how I spent it? Doing laundry, picking up hubby's crap, getting things ready for the next day. No "rest" for me - and nothing special either, except for the nice Serenity figurine in the Willow Lake series my mom gave me the day before. My IL's never even gave me a card...and hubby gave me a card Monday morning. So glad everyone forgot I am a mommy too. To say I am a little disappointed is an understatement...what is that supposed to mean? Am I a bad mommy or something?

And, on top of that, I laid into hubby yesterday morning... Our agreement when I returned to work in July 2004 was that he would help me out with the cleaning and such around the house. At this point, I think we have a 5% / 95% split on the duties (you guessed right right again - I am the 95%!) and I am tired of it. He spends so much time with his hobbies and crap, which is fine by me AS LONG AS he gives me the equal time, which he is not. I'm pissed off now...and he's just not getting it. He thinks that cleaning up a bit yesterday will mull things over - but it's not this time around.

This is going to be a war now. I watched my mom get stepped on for too many years by my dad in this area to take this lying down anymore - and I work full-time, where my mom didn't. He called me this morning to tell me he got a call for an "audition" for some karate-something-or-other....I told him "whoop-de-do!" Right now, I don't give a crap - not when I am carrying the bulk of everything, and still dealing with the losses and potential health problems the recurrent loss testing could show. I am not impressed right now...and he's going to get that point tonight when I get home.

I never thought I would be even posting all of this - but, why should I do everything, then get complaints from him when I brush him off at night for some "fun" because I am just too tired to stand? Why can't he figure it out without me having to spell it out for him? Then again...this was how he was raised too, so I guess I can see where it comes from. It's going to stop here though - and he better be ready for it.

Please, think before you speak...

"I understand what you are going through" are words that should not be said lightly. No one can truly understand how losing a baby, not to mention two, really feels unless you have been there - and even with that, every situation is different. So, no one can truly understand how I feel right now - nor could I truly understand what others are going through now too.

I bring this up because my brother, whom I have not spoken to in about 1 1/2 years, called me last night. He was bitching about the same 'ol thing to my mother yesterday (basically, how badly his ex is screwing him, blah, blah, blah.... I will leave this for another post) and my mother, who never airs other people's laundry, finally had enough and told him that some people are really having a hard time right now and to knock off the bitching. He knew about my first m/c (and, no, he never called in November for that), so she told him about the second one this month. From what she said, it did shut him up for a while...

So, I spoke to him for about a half hour - probably one of the longest half hours of my life. He asked how I was doing - I told him I was just miserable and confused and angry and upset. That things were up in the air regarding TTC again... That all things were up in the air until the testing that starts next week is complete. So, after a quick "I'm sorry," the tyrade that he goes off on about his ex starts...my migraine from Monday that FINALLY went away yesterday morning is back again. Just do me a favor, bro, and just record the tyrade on a CD and mail it to me - when I need a fix, I'll play it so I don't waste the money on a phone call.

Towards the end of the conversation is where the "Think before you speak" comes into play... His middle child has asthma - not really severe, but bad enough to warrent a few trips to the ER (uhhh....how about we get rid of the cat he is allergic too????). So, through those small trips to the ER, my bro feels that he "understands" what I have been through with my two losses...

ARE YOU FOR REAL????

I wanna know where he gets off with that? He has NEVER lost a child, his ex NEVER had a miscarraige (not to mention two) and his ex NEVER had IF problems. WTF??? Is this really what I need to deal with right now? I wanted to strangle him through the phone...good thing he's in Texas! How can he truly understand how I feel when he has never been here? The entire call was such a waste of my breath...

And, while I am at bitching about people (since I need to get this out too), J&E have been completely useless through all of this too. J is a childhood friend of my hubby's (both sets of parents went to college together and have been friends for YEARS). Hubby and I are Godparents to their son... We have been there for them through their beloved dogs dying, J's grandmother passing away, E's mom's illness with cancer, J&E's friend dying of cancer last year... And what do we get in return when we have to announce these two miscarriages? No phone call or visit AT ALL for the first one, and a third hand "I'm sorry" over the phone for the second loss... WTF?? I am not asking them to bend over backwards for us - but maybe a personal phone call to just say "I'm sorry"? We have had so many friends call us, just to ask how we were doing and they were sorry... But, to just not call at all or send a card, an e-mail...

You really do learn who you can count on when you go through something like this....

Wow, do I sound angry or what??