Apparently, Dr. D's office called on 11/19 (for which I didn't get the message until this past weekend when I cleaned out the old messages - Hubby never deletes old messages off the machine!) regarding my PAP test from my mid-October.
The PAP was normal, thank goodness.
However, the nurse mentioned I tested positive for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV).
Uh, how???
I mean, I know how HPV is transmitted. But, does anyone know how long this could lie dormant and undetected? It has never come up in a PAP before - and, well, the only other person I had "been with" was back in 1995 (and protection was used).
...And, Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage in October, KWIM??...
How is this possible NOW??
Showing posts with label Hubby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hubby. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
A year of incredible changes
My Hubby pointed out a few nights ago how much things have changed in one little year. Let's start from October 1, 2007:
And, I am pleased now...with all of it. I am grateful because without the downs, there could not have been the ups.
I guess this is what acceptance truly feels like. It is so good to be here, finally.
- 10/07: We are working on evaluations, placements, therapy for Chris' PDD-NOS diagnosis
- 10/1/07: I tell hubby I am pregnant, after Chris mentions something about a "baby sister" and I set up to donate Chris' baby stuff
- 10/1/07: Hubby is laid off from his job after only 3 months
- 1/08: My IL's find out they are losing their house
- 5/08: My IL's get their house back
- 6/16/08: Gabriel is born
- 9/08: Hubby is offered a new job, after a few other offers he declines from other firms
- 9/29/08: We take Chris to a new pediatric neurologist and he tells us there is no way Chris is on the Autism spectrum (more on that to be posted this week)
- 10/1/08: Hubby starts new job...and it is a year from finding out about my PG with Gabriel
And, I am pleased now...with all of it. I am grateful because without the downs, there could not have been the ups.
I guess this is what acceptance truly feels like. It is so good to be here, finally.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
After all these years
Hubby and I met 21 years ago today...high school sweethearts all the way...through so many bumps and turns in the road as naive sweethearts and seasoned life-partners.
As we stare down 10 years of marriage in October - with the good, the not-so-good and the just plain bad - here's to you, honey.
...I could not have made it through all the sadness without you. May we show our boys what love is all about.
As we stare down 10 years of marriage in October - with the good, the not-so-good and the just plain bad - here's to you, honey.
...I could not have made it through all the sadness without you. May we show our boys what love is all about.
After All These Years
by Journey
A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace
And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years
You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith
In our house we've made our home
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase
Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near me
After all these years
After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years
After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You've sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years
by Journey
A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace
And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years
You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith
In our house we've made our home
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase
Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near me
After all these years
After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years
After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You've sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
How to celebrate your 35th Birthday in style....
So... I find myself at 20 weeks pregnant today...
Yeah, I can hardly believe it either! But, that is what my FF ticker says...and my doctor's chart. I promise to post a belly pic soon...probably this week. It is amazing how much bigger I am this time around. I LOOK like I am pregnant - never really did until the very end with Chris. So, this is turning into some fun now. :) I.E., I am finally enjoying this PG...especially with the inner-boxing sessions that put my mind at ease.
The "down" side, of course, is I turn 35 years old tomorrow...and officially receive the "Advanced Maternal Age" moniker at the doctors' offices now. Yeah me! I know, a number is a number. But, the new label - although not as bad as Habitual Aborter - is one I never really planned on having...
...But, God doesn't always like plans, now does He?
So, how does one celebrate one's 35 th birthday in style???
Having the in-law's move in, that's how!
Okay, to backtrack a little bit...
My FIL was a very, very sick man starting in 2002.
He is a Type II diabetic - and, for a very long time, chose to ignore it and not care for himself properly. His diabetes has led him to lose feeling in his feet - so, he did always take one precaution as to wear shoes or slippers all of the time.
...Except, of course, one fateful day in the early fall of 2002.
We had finally finished our post-Honeymoon "love nest" (aka, our new, hand-built apartment to save money instead of renting one) on my IL's home in early 2001 - Living room, kitchen, bathroom which added on above my IL's kitchen and bathroom. We kept DH's room growing up (one of the two only bedrooms in the house) as our bedroom (which was all we had for the first few years of our marriage - talk about me being accommodating!), which opened up to the kitchen. It was all we really needed at the time - having children was not really on the radar in the first few years of marriage.
The addition was done on our own - my FIL, DH, myself and anyone else who was handy with a nail gun and drywall helped with demolition and construction. It took a long, long time to get done, as you can probably tell: We married in 10/1998 - and the addition was started shortly before then. It was finally finished in early 2001...and we settled in. And, we thought everything was cleaned up from the construction - all scraps of wood, siding, nails, etc.
Except, we missed some construction staples.
My FIL walked out in the very early Fall of 2002 into the backyard with no shoes on to turn off the pool filter - and he stepped on a construction staple. But, since he had no feeling in his feet, he never felt it....and it remained there for 2-3 days until my MIL noticed it. And, of course, it was already infected - eventually spiraling him into a series of infections, including a massive MRSA infection, which caused him to lose the toes on his right foot. The wound, until just last year, refused to close... So, it has been years of doctors, surgeries, antibiotics, disability, unemployment for my IL's.
...And, years of doctor's bills, inability to pay the bills, and inability to pay the mortgage on the house they owned since 1973.
So, two years ago, a foreclosure notice was given...although never pressed. My FIL was employed by the town as a Lead Abatement Inspector for a federal governmental agency in the Summer of 2005 - and his ability to pay the bills and mortgage came back. So, we thought the house could be saved and the foreclosure lifted...
...But, that changed on January 7th, 2008 - when the mortgage company decided not to play nicey-nicey anymore...and an eviction notice was issued for them to be out by February 8th.
So, after 35 years of owning this home, they have to be out. Our early marriage memories will be gone now...as will all of the memories they have invested in that house. And, there is nothing we can do about it.
Long, drawn-out story, isn't it?
So, the past two weeks has been spent helping them pack/move/store all of their belongings (they plan to be out completely this weekend) - and pack/move/store all of the things DH never cleaned out since we moved into our home around the corner in June 2003.
The past couple of weeks has also been trying to help them figure where to go - move into DH's aunt's house across the street from us for a little while, find an apartment, etc.
My MIL does not want to move into her sister's house - it is very loud and busy and cramped as it is, since DH's grandmother is also living there (she had moved into our old apartment when we bought her house in 2003). BUT, it would be the most economical move for them to do that - no rent, no utility bills - so they can save money and straighten themselves out financially. Since she doesn't want to do that, that forces them into renting an apartment for $1500 or more (NJ is expensive)...but, that would not allow them to save money, pay bills off. It would force them into renting for probably the rest of their lives.
So (and you can call me a SUCKER later), I got into a discussion with DH about it was a shame we didn't have our third floor (full attic) finished yet - it would be more than enough room for them to live in for 6-12 months, until they could get themselves on their feet again. Living with them again would be a hard adjustment for all, especially with a new baby coming - but, we have done it before with much less room...and we could probably do it again for a short period of time.
I guess, what I am having a hard time justifying is the $$$ they will have to spend on rent - and not be able to save anything.
Anyway, conversation was continued last night with my ILs over for dinner - since my FIL works for the town, he has access to many contractors. And, these contractors can discount the work for him...and get the attic done (insulate, sheet rock, wire, install a small bathroom above the only bathroom in the house, finish/paint) in a fairly quick amount of time.
...The only concession we would make is we would switch our bedroom with Chris' current room since the stairway to the third floor is from our bedroom and, well, do you want your IL's coming through late at night??? Changing the rooms is no big deal - the thought had been there anyway, and the rooms are relative the same size (just different shape).
So, that is how I will be celebrating my 35th Birthday...preparing for construction and the IL's to invade our house for 6-12 months until they can either be in a position to buy something on their own or we can find a real 2-family in a town we would like to settle in a year or so from now (which was a plan we had in mind anyway).
Sound fun?
My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight at our first session of the New Year!
Yeah, I can hardly believe it either! But, that is what my FF ticker says...and my doctor's chart. I promise to post a belly pic soon...probably this week. It is amazing how much bigger I am this time around. I LOOK like I am pregnant - never really did until the very end with Chris. So, this is turning into some fun now. :) I.E., I am finally enjoying this PG...especially with the inner-boxing sessions that put my mind at ease.
The "down" side, of course, is I turn 35 years old tomorrow...and officially receive the "Advanced Maternal Age" moniker at the doctors' offices now. Yeah me! I know, a number is a number. But, the new label - although not as bad as Habitual Aborter - is one I never really planned on having...
...But, God doesn't always like plans, now does He?
So, how does one celebrate one's 35 th birthday in style???
Having the in-law's move in, that's how!
Okay, to backtrack a little bit...
My FIL was a very, very sick man starting in 2002.
He is a Type II diabetic - and, for a very long time, chose to ignore it and not care for himself properly. His diabetes has led him to lose feeling in his feet - so, he did always take one precaution as to wear shoes or slippers all of the time.
...Except, of course, one fateful day in the early fall of 2002.
We had finally finished our post-Honeymoon "love nest" (aka, our new, hand-built apartment to save money instead of renting one) on my IL's home in early 2001 - Living room, kitchen, bathroom which added on above my IL's kitchen and bathroom. We kept DH's room growing up (one of the two only bedrooms in the house) as our bedroom (which was all we had for the first few years of our marriage - talk about me being accommodating!), which opened up to the kitchen. It was all we really needed at the time - having children was not really on the radar in the first few years of marriage.
The addition was done on our own - my FIL, DH, myself and anyone else who was handy with a nail gun and drywall helped with demolition and construction. It took a long, long time to get done, as you can probably tell: We married in 10/1998 - and the addition was started shortly before then. It was finally finished in early 2001...and we settled in. And, we thought everything was cleaned up from the construction - all scraps of wood, siding, nails, etc.
Except, we missed some construction staples.
My FIL walked out in the very early Fall of 2002 into the backyard with no shoes on to turn off the pool filter - and he stepped on a construction staple. But, since he had no feeling in his feet, he never felt it....and it remained there for 2-3 days until my MIL noticed it. And, of course, it was already infected - eventually spiraling him into a series of infections, including a massive MRSA infection, which caused him to lose the toes on his right foot. The wound, until just last year, refused to close... So, it has been years of doctors, surgeries, antibiotics, disability, unemployment for my IL's.
...And, years of doctor's bills, inability to pay the bills, and inability to pay the mortgage on the house they owned since 1973.
So, two years ago, a foreclosure notice was given...although never pressed. My FIL was employed by the town as a Lead Abatement Inspector for a federal governmental agency in the Summer of 2005 - and his ability to pay the bills and mortgage came back. So, we thought the house could be saved and the foreclosure lifted...
...But, that changed on January 7th, 2008 - when the mortgage company decided not to play nicey-nicey anymore...and an eviction notice was issued for them to be out by February 8th.
So, after 35 years of owning this home, they have to be out. Our early marriage memories will be gone now...as will all of the memories they have invested in that house. And, there is nothing we can do about it.
Long, drawn-out story, isn't it?
So, the past two weeks has been spent helping them pack/move/store all of their belongings (they plan to be out completely this weekend) - and pack/move/store all of the things DH never cleaned out since we moved into our home around the corner in June 2003.
The past couple of weeks has also been trying to help them figure where to go - move into DH's aunt's house across the street from us for a little while, find an apartment, etc.
My MIL does not want to move into her sister's house - it is very loud and busy and cramped as it is, since DH's grandmother is also living there (she had moved into our old apartment when we bought her house in 2003). BUT, it would be the most economical move for them to do that - no rent, no utility bills - so they can save money and straighten themselves out financially. Since she doesn't want to do that, that forces them into renting an apartment for $1500 or more (NJ is expensive)...but, that would not allow them to save money, pay bills off. It would force them into renting for probably the rest of their lives.
So (and you can call me a SUCKER later), I got into a discussion with DH about it was a shame we didn't have our third floor (full attic) finished yet - it would be more than enough room for them to live in for 6-12 months, until they could get themselves on their feet again. Living with them again would be a hard adjustment for all, especially with a new baby coming - but, we have done it before with much less room...and we could probably do it again for a short period of time.
I guess, what I am having a hard time justifying is the $$$ they will have to spend on rent - and not be able to save anything.
Anyway, conversation was continued last night with my ILs over for dinner - since my FIL works for the town, he has access to many contractors. And, these contractors can discount the work for him...and get the attic done (insulate, sheet rock, wire, install a small bathroom above the only bathroom in the house, finish/paint) in a fairly quick amount of time.
...The only concession we would make is we would switch our bedroom with Chris' current room since the stairway to the third floor is from our bedroom and, well, do you want your IL's coming through late at night??? Changing the rooms is no big deal - the thought had been there anyway, and the rooms are relative the same size (just different shape).
So, that is how I will be celebrating my 35th Birthday...preparing for construction and the IL's to invade our house for 6-12 months until they can either be in a position to buy something on their own or we can find a real 2-family in a town we would like to settle in a year or so from now (which was a plan we had in mind anyway).
Sound fun?
My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight at our first session of the New Year!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Holding on...
Sorry to be so MIA - Blogging has been such an amazing outlet for me since my last miscarriage and not being able to get on here to vent (which, by the way, a major one is coming in this post!) has been a huge detriment. I can't believe I have not posted in almost a month. Things are just very crazy right now...and I am not sure when it will all come to an end.
Thanks to those who have e-mailed me to ask me how things are going and what's been happening. I appreciate immensely your thoughts and well wishes. Thank you for taking the time to check in.
Where to begin... where to begin...
The pregnancy is going just fine... At my last prenatal appoint on December 12th, the heartbeat was 144 bpm on doppler, which is about where Chris' heartbeat was from the second trimester forward. Not sure if that is a sign pointing toward gender or not...but, I will take it. Healthy and happy is all I want. My next appointment (Level II u/s) is not until January 10th - 8 days from today. That has become a major source of stress for me as of late, especially with the holidays and everyone now knowing what is going on. Going a whole month without any check-up has really thrown me (although it really shouldn't) and made me stress about every little normal thing. The fear of losing this baby has not left me, even with the very tiny kicks I am already feeling. I have yet to enjoy this pregnancy...and I just hate myself for it. I am 17 weeks, 1 day today - and I just don't feel connected. Every time something comes out of my mouth about the pregnancy - whether it be about when I plan to take maternity leave, what I want to do for the baby's room, what toys we need to refresh for a second use, what we need to borrow - I feel like I am dooming this pregnancy to fail. All I want is to enjoy this - love this baby as he/she deserves to be. Yet, I feel like I am watching this pregnancy pass through the eyes of a third party - like my pregnancy is taking place through someone else and I am only seeing glimpses of it. How much reassurance is it going to take for me to finally be able to enjoy the new beat-up sessions in the middle of the night? To be happy about finally beginning to show a little bit? To dream about how Chris will be as a big brother and how they will grow up together?
I should have moved on to being happy and secure in this pregnancy by now, but it just isn't happening and it is not fair. This pregnancy is the biggest miracle and wish come true, and it feels like it is slipping out between my fingers.
...And, although I am happy to be gaining the weight from this pregnancy, I am NOT happy with the fact that I gained 10 pounds already! If I keep cruising at this speed, I am going to gain the full 40 lbs back that I lost. I gained a healthy 27 pounds in my pregnancy with Chris, and I wanted to try to hover around that weight. But, it has been very hard keeping food away from my mouth this time around - it has been a very different pregnancy with less nausea and way more cravings... I am hoping that the weather warms up a bit soon so I can get out and walk a little of the weight off!
Work is also turning into a major worry:
First, we still have that crazy Associate Director here...albeit sporadically. Allegedly, her middle child had a major infection in the bone and had to be in the hospital on IV antibiotics for two weeks to clear it - this, after she took two weeks off for no reason until my Director sent her a letter telling her that she was to take this "leave" without pay and that she had to return on December 10th or her job would be terminated...then the "leave" turned into "doctor's orders" for either anxiety or high blood pressure. She is yet to produce the proper medical documentation about her child's illness...or her own. I hate to ever think that someone would be crazy enough to lie about their child's illness... If her child was in fact really sick, I pray that he is okay. But, the lies and tall-tales on her part keep coming...and the rest of us are left to pick up the work she is choosing not to do. But, we have to have all of our ducks in a row in order to terminate - and my Director is desperately trying to do just that.
Second, my Center Administrator is set to retire at the end of June - while I am out on maternity leave. This scares the hell out of me for several reasons: 1) She has been the ONLY Center Administrator here for the entire time I have worked here (9 1/2 years, plus a few months as a temp over the summer of 1996) and she knows how my programs run and is such a priceless back-up for me, and 2) Her replacement that she is proposing is someone I have heard from several people cannot be trusted and is very hard to work for; AKA, you cannot tell her anything personal or else she will use it against you with other people in the office.
It is still not clear who will be doing my work over the summer, especially with the unknowns going on with said Associate Director above. I have to begin looking at new insurance plans because my current insurance of 9 1/2 years is bring disbanded by the State...and I have to pick carefully because there are so many doctors involved in my pregnancy care, and of Chris and his PDD-NOS diagnosis. And, I am really tiring of the hour commute in/out of work after these 9 1/2 years...a commute that should only take 35 minutes without traffic - people are just freakin crazy driving in NJ.
Thinking of trying to change jobs right now is really impossible - I don't know what I want in a job, except I want closer to home and maybe the ability to work from home a couple of days a week (which my bosses promised when I returned from my leave with Chris, but had to rescind because of someone else in the office). And, now that we are in the New Year and my due date is practically in five months, trying to find a new job now is just not likely to happen. I am trying to keep my game-face on here, despite the hurdles, because my Director and Center Administrator, and the entire staff (minus the crazy Associate Director who, to my knowledge, doesn't even know about this PG) have just be wonderful through it all. I like working here, although I would much rather be a full time, stay at home mom. So, I am trying to stick it out until the fall, and then decide what to do.
Then, there is the issues still rolling around about what to do with Chris and school and his diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Hubby (which I will rant about very shortly) dropped the ball BIG TIME on this. I wanted our response in to the Child Study Team by mid- to end of November since we had the draft IEP and we had finally seen the placements offered first-hand - he did not send the response until December 20th, essentially guaranteeing no movement in his placement for January, which would have been a very natural transition from one program (his nursery school) to another. I kept asking Hubby about the letter - when was I going to see a draft of it, when was he sending it - and progress came in spurts until we got a letter from the child study team stating that they would close Chris' file unless they heard from us within 15 days of that letter. I blew my top at Hubby with that - HE wanted to write the letter, outlining all of the issues we had with the school district, the placements offered, how the choices of placements were extremely inappropriate because HE wanted to document the laws and how their suggestions in no way fit the laws. So, the letter finally got out...and, of course, there was no way we were going to hear from them over Christmas. We did get a request for a meeting with the child study team on Friday...which is good. But, there is more to go...and we are wasting Chris' precious time!
Luckily for us, Chris has made sooooo much progress with private speech therapy once a week - he is talking in complete sentences now, is jumping/hand-flapping less (except when extremely tired), is initiating conversations about things at school he does. It is wonderful to see how much he has grown up in the 4 months he has been in speech therapy. But, it is still not fair to him to make him wait this long...and I am pissed with Hubby on it.
....And, then there was the holidays....and the lack of rest and time with Chris, thanks to the Hubby.
Hubby is a wonderful man - in the grand scheme of things, he is the best of husbands and confidants and friends. But, as of late, since losing his last job in October, he is sliding and I don't recognize the man I married anymore.
Along with the long delay on getting the child study team letter done for Chris, I know he is not really pursuing finding a new job nearly as hard as he should be - he is waiting for the guy he worked for in between the last job and the one prior to that to make a good, permanent offer. BUT, I am just not sure I trust the guy...and that he will pay Hubby enough to justify the long hours and the still very long commute (a true hour from our house). Hubby has been on one - yes, ONE - interview since losing that last job, and the interview came from a job reference from a fellow attorney. He is not looking - I know he is not, and he doesn't seem to think I can see through the facade and the stories he has created for himself.
Also, I have been asking Hubby to get things finished in the new addition in the house for weeks now - since before Thanksgiving, when the majority of the work was done: like, the flooring in the new part of the living room, the flooring in the now-smaller front porch, the painting of the new front porch. And, you know what he did - despite knowing he is on the internet late a night or watching movies to all hours? He left it ALL for the weekend right before Christmas. Despite my asking him NOT to do that.
So, my house was torn apart for three days prior to Christmas, while my in-laws managed to arrange for the family piano to be delivered to our house over that same weekend without really asking me first...after which I had to clean from the mess of the work, clean the rest of the house, make sure Hubby got rid of his piles and piles of crap (he is a major pack-rat), make sure the rest of the Holiday shopping was done, try to prepare for my family coming over for dinner on Christmas. I was touching up painting he did in the front porch an hour before going to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve.
All of this last-minute work should not have happened.
The Christmas holidays were a blur...save for the pictures that are sitting in my e-mail right now that I will eventually post (there were some bright spots in there...of Chris and the other kids).
Of course, my brother from Texas - whom I have not spoken to in well over a year for various reasons, most specifically, his comments about my losses - just HAD to call Christmas Day and spread his "holiday cheer." He was, as usual, going on and on about how he is a better parent than his ex (although, his actions are what spurred the divorce in the first place) and how he has found God and how he can forgive but not forget - Uh, doesn't forgiving mean forgetting? So, I cut him short with the fact that I am expecting again and how I need to go since our parents were coming over for dinner and I needed to finish cooking...and a very half-hearted promise to call him sometime... Like that will happen any time soon.
Then, we had the post-holiday clean-up and preparation for a holiday dinner with Hubby's friends this past Sunday and the New Year's Eve party at our house. The New Year's party was so-so - had so much food, yet half the people who were supposed to come never bothered to tell me that they were now NOT coming....and then Hubby's family decided to skip out on New Year's Day at our house, which means I am left with food that is going to spoil.
I have ended up so frazzled because of it all, that I had an anxiety attack after everyone had left New Year's Eve night - alone at 2 AM, trying to sleep on the futon in the back bedroom so I didn't wake Chris, feeling like I was going to puke my brains out. ...And, I was not able to take the Xanex that has always worked to stop it.
...I am still recovering from it.
And, on top of it all...Hubby's car died on Interstate 78 on his way home from work before the New Year's Holiday last week. His engine blew in his 1993 Escort, essentially making it useless. So, we now have to find him a newer car while he is borrowing either my car on my carpool days or his father's. We knew we had to replace his car eventually...but not this soon.
I got one quiet day with Chris in the entire holiday break...and I am so upset and hurt about it and with my Hubby, I am without words. That should not have happened at all.
I know Hubby is depressed about his job situation - and the fact that he does not really want to be an attorney. This isn't the first time he has acted this way - just no to this extreme, to the point of having the stress affect me so much physically and emotionally. However, I had offered to him twice now to let us invest the money into getting him out of this career - there are a number of firms that can help attorneys get into new fields. Yet, he has not done that, nor has he been actively looking for a new job.
I have told him he needs to go back to his therapist - which he stopped going to after he got his last job. He has not done that either. So, I am making an end-run and asking my therapist to call his (they are colleagues) in the hope that a session can be set up soon...and maybe Hubby can start getting things back together.
I am so tired of trying to carry it all - the worry of this pregnancy being successful, taking care of the house, taking care of Chris and trying to get him the right services, working full time, balancing the holidays and the get-togethers, trying to make sure the bills are paid when he is not. He is not pulling his weight...and anything I have said, whether it be calmly or screaming like a banshee or in tears Christmas morning, is in one ear and out the other.
We have five months to get things together financially - I go out on maternity leave in early June and this leave will be unpaid except for the 6 weeks disability I am entitled to and two weeks sick time I have accumulated since my maternity leave with Chris. With that, if we want to stay on my insurance, we need to pay COBRA to keep it in effect for those three months. Only five months for him to settle either into a new job or straighten things out with the attorney he is working for right now - and, Hubby is just not seeing the urgency in that.
I don't know what to do about it now...and the stress it is putting on me. I can't take the Xanex right now...and my doc would prefer that I not go back on Lexapro to manage the stress...
...But, I have been through so many nights of insomnia now, and this anxiety last attack on New Year's Eve night, which I have not had since I started Lexapro the first time in mid-December 2006 - it is taking its toll on me. Eventually, this stress is going to affect this pregnancy...and I am so scared of that and what could happen because of it.
I can't make him do anything....especially where counseling and jobs are concerned. But, I am coming to my wits end with this, so much so that I was not a very pleasant person to be around when we went out to dinner with Zia and S last Friday night. I know dinner was a little uncomfortable that night...and I feel bad about it.
I am trying to hold on, but is getting harder and harder to do when Hubby is not trying at all, and everything is falling to me to try to scrape together. Everything is whirling past me right now...and I am enjoying nothing, especially this precious pregnancy and Chris.
Thanks to those who have e-mailed me to ask me how things are going and what's been happening. I appreciate immensely your thoughts and well wishes. Thank you for taking the time to check in.
Where to begin... where to begin...
The pregnancy is going just fine... At my last prenatal appoint on December 12th, the heartbeat was 144 bpm on doppler, which is about where Chris' heartbeat was from the second trimester forward. Not sure if that is a sign pointing toward gender or not...but, I will take it. Healthy and happy is all I want. My next appointment (Level II u/s) is not until January 10th - 8 days from today. That has become a major source of stress for me as of late, especially with the holidays and everyone now knowing what is going on. Going a whole month without any check-up has really thrown me (although it really shouldn't) and made me stress about every little normal thing. The fear of losing this baby has not left me, even with the very tiny kicks I am already feeling. I have yet to enjoy this pregnancy...and I just hate myself for it. I am 17 weeks, 1 day today - and I just don't feel connected. Every time something comes out of my mouth about the pregnancy - whether it be about when I plan to take maternity leave, what I want to do for the baby's room, what toys we need to refresh for a second use, what we need to borrow - I feel like I am dooming this pregnancy to fail. All I want is to enjoy this - love this baby as he/she deserves to be. Yet, I feel like I am watching this pregnancy pass through the eyes of a third party - like my pregnancy is taking place through someone else and I am only seeing glimpses of it. How much reassurance is it going to take for me to finally be able to enjoy the new beat-up sessions in the middle of the night? To be happy about finally beginning to show a little bit? To dream about how Chris will be as a big brother and how they will grow up together?
I should have moved on to being happy and secure in this pregnancy by now, but it just isn't happening and it is not fair. This pregnancy is the biggest miracle and wish come true, and it feels like it is slipping out between my fingers.
...And, although I am happy to be gaining the weight from this pregnancy, I am NOT happy with the fact that I gained 10 pounds already! If I keep cruising at this speed, I am going to gain the full 40 lbs back that I lost. I gained a healthy 27 pounds in my pregnancy with Chris, and I wanted to try to hover around that weight. But, it has been very hard keeping food away from my mouth this time around - it has been a very different pregnancy with less nausea and way more cravings... I am hoping that the weather warms up a bit soon so I can get out and walk a little of the weight off!
Work is also turning into a major worry:
First, we still have that crazy Associate Director here...albeit sporadically. Allegedly, her middle child had a major infection in the bone and had to be in the hospital on IV antibiotics for two weeks to clear it - this, after she took two weeks off for no reason until my Director sent her a letter telling her that she was to take this "leave" without pay and that she had to return on December 10th or her job would be terminated...then the "leave" turned into "doctor's orders" for either anxiety or high blood pressure. She is yet to produce the proper medical documentation about her child's illness...or her own. I hate to ever think that someone would be crazy enough to lie about their child's illness... If her child was in fact really sick, I pray that he is okay. But, the lies and tall-tales on her part keep coming...and the rest of us are left to pick up the work she is choosing not to do. But, we have to have all of our ducks in a row in order to terminate - and my Director is desperately trying to do just that.
Second, my Center Administrator is set to retire at the end of June - while I am out on maternity leave. This scares the hell out of me for several reasons: 1) She has been the ONLY Center Administrator here for the entire time I have worked here (9 1/2 years, plus a few months as a temp over the summer of 1996) and she knows how my programs run and is such a priceless back-up for me, and 2) Her replacement that she is proposing is someone I have heard from several people cannot be trusted and is very hard to work for; AKA, you cannot tell her anything personal or else she will use it against you with other people in the office.
It is still not clear who will be doing my work over the summer, especially with the unknowns going on with said Associate Director above. I have to begin looking at new insurance plans because my current insurance of 9 1/2 years is bring disbanded by the State...and I have to pick carefully because there are so many doctors involved in my pregnancy care, and of Chris and his PDD-NOS diagnosis. And, I am really tiring of the hour commute in/out of work after these 9 1/2 years...a commute that should only take 35 minutes without traffic - people are just freakin crazy driving in NJ.
Thinking of trying to change jobs right now is really impossible - I don't know what I want in a job, except I want closer to home and maybe the ability to work from home a couple of days a week (which my bosses promised when I returned from my leave with Chris, but had to rescind because of someone else in the office). And, now that we are in the New Year and my due date is practically in five months, trying to find a new job now is just not likely to happen. I am trying to keep my game-face on here, despite the hurdles, because my Director and Center Administrator, and the entire staff (minus the crazy Associate Director who, to my knowledge, doesn't even know about this PG) have just be wonderful through it all. I like working here, although I would much rather be a full time, stay at home mom. So, I am trying to stick it out until the fall, and then decide what to do.
Then, there is the issues still rolling around about what to do with Chris and school and his diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Hubby (which I will rant about very shortly) dropped the ball BIG TIME on this. I wanted our response in to the Child Study Team by mid- to end of November since we had the draft IEP and we had finally seen the placements offered first-hand - he did not send the response until December 20th, essentially guaranteeing no movement in his placement for January, which would have been a very natural transition from one program (his nursery school) to another. I kept asking Hubby about the letter - when was I going to see a draft of it, when was he sending it - and progress came in spurts until we got a letter from the child study team stating that they would close Chris' file unless they heard from us within 15 days of that letter. I blew my top at Hubby with that - HE wanted to write the letter, outlining all of the issues we had with the school district, the placements offered, how the choices of placements were extremely inappropriate because HE wanted to document the laws and how their suggestions in no way fit the laws. So, the letter finally got out...and, of course, there was no way we were going to hear from them over Christmas. We did get a request for a meeting with the child study team on Friday...which is good. But, there is more to go...and we are wasting Chris' precious time!
Luckily for us, Chris has made sooooo much progress with private speech therapy once a week - he is talking in complete sentences now, is jumping/hand-flapping less (except when extremely tired), is initiating conversations about things at school he does. It is wonderful to see how much he has grown up in the 4 months he has been in speech therapy. But, it is still not fair to him to make him wait this long...and I am pissed with Hubby on it.
....And, then there was the holidays....and the lack of rest and time with Chris, thanks to the Hubby.
Hubby is a wonderful man - in the grand scheme of things, he is the best of husbands and confidants and friends. But, as of late, since losing his last job in October, he is sliding and I don't recognize the man I married anymore.
Along with the long delay on getting the child study team letter done for Chris, I know he is not really pursuing finding a new job nearly as hard as he should be - he is waiting for the guy he worked for in between the last job and the one prior to that to make a good, permanent offer. BUT, I am just not sure I trust the guy...and that he will pay Hubby enough to justify the long hours and the still very long commute (a true hour from our house). Hubby has been on one - yes, ONE - interview since losing that last job, and the interview came from a job reference from a fellow attorney. He is not looking - I know he is not, and he doesn't seem to think I can see through the facade and the stories he has created for himself.
Also, I have been asking Hubby to get things finished in the new addition in the house for weeks now - since before Thanksgiving, when the majority of the work was done: like, the flooring in the new part of the living room, the flooring in the now-smaller front porch, the painting of the new front porch. And, you know what he did - despite knowing he is on the internet late a night or watching movies to all hours? He left it ALL for the weekend right before Christmas. Despite my asking him NOT to do that.
So, my house was torn apart for three days prior to Christmas, while my in-laws managed to arrange for the family piano to be delivered to our house over that same weekend without really asking me first...after which I had to clean from the mess of the work, clean the rest of the house, make sure Hubby got rid of his piles and piles of crap (he is a major pack-rat), make sure the rest of the Holiday shopping was done, try to prepare for my family coming over for dinner on Christmas. I was touching up painting he did in the front porch an hour before going to his aunt's house for Christmas Eve.
All of this last-minute work should not have happened.
The Christmas holidays were a blur...save for the pictures that are sitting in my e-mail right now that I will eventually post (there were some bright spots in there...of Chris and the other kids).
Of course, my brother from Texas - whom I have not spoken to in well over a year for various reasons, most specifically, his comments about my losses - just HAD to call Christmas Day and spread his "holiday cheer." He was, as usual, going on and on about how he is a better parent than his ex (although, his actions are what spurred the divorce in the first place) and how he has found God and how he can forgive but not forget - Uh, doesn't forgiving mean forgetting? So, I cut him short with the fact that I am expecting again and how I need to go since our parents were coming over for dinner and I needed to finish cooking...and a very half-hearted promise to call him sometime... Like that will happen any time soon.
Then, we had the post-holiday clean-up and preparation for a holiday dinner with Hubby's friends this past Sunday and the New Year's Eve party at our house. The New Year's party was so-so - had so much food, yet half the people who were supposed to come never bothered to tell me that they were now NOT coming....and then Hubby's family decided to skip out on New Year's Day at our house, which means I am left with food that is going to spoil.
I have ended up so frazzled because of it all, that I had an anxiety attack after everyone had left New Year's Eve night - alone at 2 AM, trying to sleep on the futon in the back bedroom so I didn't wake Chris, feeling like I was going to puke my brains out. ...And, I was not able to take the Xanex that has always worked to stop it.
...I am still recovering from it.
And, on top of it all...Hubby's car died on Interstate 78 on his way home from work before the New Year's Holiday last week. His engine blew in his 1993 Escort, essentially making it useless. So, we now have to find him a newer car while he is borrowing either my car on my carpool days or his father's. We knew we had to replace his car eventually...but not this soon.
I got one quiet day with Chris in the entire holiday break...and I am so upset and hurt about it and with my Hubby, I am without words. That should not have happened at all.
I know Hubby is depressed about his job situation - and the fact that he does not really want to be an attorney. This isn't the first time he has acted this way - just no to this extreme, to the point of having the stress affect me so much physically and emotionally. However, I had offered to him twice now to let us invest the money into getting him out of this career - there are a number of firms that can help attorneys get into new fields. Yet, he has not done that, nor has he been actively looking for a new job.
I have told him he needs to go back to his therapist - which he stopped going to after he got his last job. He has not done that either. So, I am making an end-run and asking my therapist to call his (they are colleagues) in the hope that a session can be set up soon...and maybe Hubby can start getting things back together.
I am so tired of trying to carry it all - the worry of this pregnancy being successful, taking care of the house, taking care of Chris and trying to get him the right services, working full time, balancing the holidays and the get-togethers, trying to make sure the bills are paid when he is not. He is not pulling his weight...and anything I have said, whether it be calmly or screaming like a banshee or in tears Christmas morning, is in one ear and out the other.
We have five months to get things together financially - I go out on maternity leave in early June and this leave will be unpaid except for the 6 weeks disability I am entitled to and two weeks sick time I have accumulated since my maternity leave with Chris. With that, if we want to stay on my insurance, we need to pay COBRA to keep it in effect for those three months. Only five months for him to settle either into a new job or straighten things out with the attorney he is working for right now - and, Hubby is just not seeing the urgency in that.
I don't know what to do about it now...and the stress it is putting on me. I can't take the Xanex right now...and my doc would prefer that I not go back on Lexapro to manage the stress...
...But, I have been through so many nights of insomnia now, and this anxiety last attack on New Year's Eve night, which I have not had since I started Lexapro the first time in mid-December 2006 - it is taking its toll on me. Eventually, this stress is going to affect this pregnancy...and I am so scared of that and what could happen because of it.
I can't make him do anything....especially where counseling and jobs are concerned. But, I am coming to my wits end with this, so much so that I was not a very pleasant person to be around when we went out to dinner with Zia and S last Friday night. I know dinner was a little uncomfortable that night...and I feel bad about it.
I am trying to hold on, but is getting harder and harder to do when Hubby is not trying at all, and everything is falling to me to try to scrape together. Everything is whirling past me right now...and I am enjoying nothing, especially this precious pregnancy and Chris.
We Hold On
by Rush
How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun
Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
Keep holding on so long
'Cause there's a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
To get me through the day
But we hold on
by Rush
How many times
Do we tire of all the little battles
Threaten to call it quits
Tempted to cut and run
How many times
Do we weather out the stormy evenings
Long to slam the front door
Drive away into the setting sun
Keep going until dawn
How many times must another line be drawn
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we chaff against the repetition
Straining against a fate
Measured out in coffee breaks
How many times
Do we swallow our ambition
Long to give up the same old way
Find another road to take
Keep holding on so long
'Cause there's a chance
that we might not be so wrong
We could be down and gone
But we hold on
How many times
Do we wonder if it's even worth it
There's got to be some other way
To get me through the day
But we hold on
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Happy 9th Anniversary, Hubby!
...Looks like it is going to be a GOOD one!
Just got my third beta back...and I am more than ecstatic! I never had such a great third test...and I am very happy right now:
Beta #1 on 10/3 (approximately 14-16 DPO): 80
Beta #2 on 10/6 (approximately 17-19 DPO): 302
Doubling time: 37.57 hrs
Beta #3 on 10/9 (approximately 20-22 DPO): 1737
Doubling time: 28.53 hrs
When the nurse called with the numbers, I asked her to repeat it about 4 times...not believing the number she was giving me. I was just hoping for at least double the 302 - and we got more than that! So, she told me to play the lottery - and I am having Hubby go buy that ticket!
And, the child study team just called asking for the IEP meeting early on October 18th for Chris. We need to make it a little later in the day (Chris has his vision check at 9:45 am that day)...but, we are closer to placement/recommendations for him too.
So much has happened and changed in nine years...or, better than that, the twenty I have known Hubby. Both good and bad. And, today takes the cake on anniversary occurrences...
Oh, happy day! I may have to stay up late tonight. ;)
ETA:
Here are the graphs from the BabyMed web site, comparing beta #2 and #3:
If I was at/about 20 DPO for Beta #3:
If I was at/about 22 DPO for Beta #3:
Makes me happy. :)
Just got my third beta back...and I am more than ecstatic! I never had such a great third test...and I am very happy right now:
Beta #1 on 10/3 (approximately 14-16 DPO): 80
Beta #2 on 10/6 (approximately 17-19 DPO): 302
Doubling time: 37.57 hrs
Beta #3 on 10/9 (approximately 20-22 DPO): 1737
Doubling time: 28.53 hrs
When the nurse called with the numbers, I asked her to repeat it about 4 times...not believing the number she was giving me. I was just hoping for at least double the 302 - and we got more than that! So, she told me to play the lottery - and I am having Hubby go buy that ticket!
And, the child study team just called asking for the IEP meeting early on October 18th for Chris. We need to make it a little later in the day (Chris has his vision check at 9:45 am that day)...but, we are closer to placement/recommendations for him too.
So much has happened and changed in nine years...or, better than that, the twenty I have known Hubby. Both good and bad. And, today takes the cake on anniversary occurrences...
Oh, happy day! I may have to stay up late tonight. ;)
ETA:
Here are the graphs from the BabyMed web site, comparing beta #2 and #3:
If I was at/about 20 DPO for Beta #3:
If I was at/about 22 DPO for Beta #3:
Makes me happy. :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
My, my, my....how 20 years flies!
Well... I met my hubby 20 years ago today...
My, my, my.... How 20 years flies!
My, my, my.... How 20 years flies!
I can't believe we have known each other for that long...and I owe it all to my friend, C (yes, I know I still owe you a phone call...and a package! It will be out this week).
In keeping with Mel's (Stirrup Queens) Happiness Challenge: Here is how we met (documenting something that led to Chris):
C and I met on the school bus, I believe, the third day of school (she believed I was a senior, and I believed she was a senior - too funny we thought the same thing!) and she talked me in to going to the Freshman Welcome Dance. I was not planning on going - I willingly decided to attend an all-girls Catholic high school because I hated boys at that time (when guys don't know what developing boobs are supposed to be when you are 12 years old, you get made fun of - A LOT!), and guys were not on my priority list. But, she asked me to go - and I decided, what the hey! I might as well have some fun.
We met at the high school that Friday night (I am very sure it was a Friday night - who remembers 20 years ago anyway???) and C brought a friend who did not attend the school. We danced and talked for a while, the school gym smelling of Aqua Net holding up all of the hair, the school gym blaring the liked of Janet Jackson, Madonna, Human League, Bananarama, The Bangles, and so on, and the guys we thought were cute or hot scoping out the pickin's of an all-girls Catholic high school...
And, I was in the outfit I bought for the dance: A white miniskirt and white matching shirt (quarter-length sleeves, sweat-suit material, since it was WAY IN for 1987) - the white shirt had a silver/black leopard print on it (and shoulder pads too!). I got the outfit from Mandee's - the "hip local for clothes here in NJ in the '80's. Did I mention the green eye shadow too boot (very Human League-esqe)? Of course, I had my jelly bracelets and as big hair as I could get for someone who has thin blond hair!
C noticed this guy (J) towards the middle of the night - she HAAAAAAAD to meet him and dance with him! We watched him for a little bit... C just couldn't go up to him herself - we, being so mature at the time, needed our "representative" to do the job - so, she asked if I would go up to him and ask him to dance at the next slow dance...
...Almost all meetings had to be done during a slow dance...
So, since this WASN'T for me, I agreed and went up to him and asked him. I explained my mission, showed him who she was - he, being rather happy at being scoped out, fluffed himself up and agreed --- if, that is, I and our other companion would dance with his two friend.
...And, then I thought, of brother! What did I get myself in to!
But, I agreed and I went back with the message that yes, he would dance with her at the next slow dance.
We waited...
And then Survivor's "The Search is Over" began...
Then the armada of J and his two friends arrived.
C and J went off to dance - and that left me, C's friend who I didn't really know, Hubby and J2 standing there like a bunch of dorks. Finally, after a few awkward moments, Hubby grabbed my hand and asked if I want to dance. I said sure - he was much cuter than J2 (and more talented in the dancing department as well) - and we went off.
From there, Hubby bought me a soda, showed me pics of his cousins (then 6 and 4 - NOW 26 and 24... YIKES!), talked. The talk was rather easy - especially for one who was rather turned off by guys at the time. We danced and talked some more.
....Then, I made the BIG confession...
...Told him what I didn't want him to see...
Horrors! I wore glasses!
Of course, he could care less - especially because I could actually SEE him with my glasses on. Actually, looking back at that, I am surprised I didn't scare him off with that move. But, we danced and talked some more.
At the end of the night, Hubby gave me his phone number - and, me being the traditionalist I can be, told him that I would prefer he call me (DORK!) and gave him my phone number. I said goodnight to C, Hubby walked me to my parents' car, introduced himself to my parents, patted me on my shoulder (double DORK!) and said he would call me.
...And, the rest is history.
So, in honor of him (and the nice flowers he sent to me today - pics are coming) - here is a special song we dedicated to each other at our wedding almost 9 years ago... It sums up our relationship - and how we are truly happy to be stuck with each other.
Stuck with You
Huey Lewis and the News
We've had some fun, and yes weve had our ups and downs
Been down that rocky road, but here we are, still around
We thought about someone else, but neither one took the bait
We thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
We've had our doubts, we never took them seriously
And weve had our ins and outs, but thats the way its supposed to be
We thought about giving up, but we could never stay away
Thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
And its no great mystery
If we change our minds
Eventually, its back to you and me
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
(yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
Im happy to be stuck with you
Happy to be stuck with you.
We've had some fun, and yes weve had our ups and downs
Been down that rocky road, but here we are, still around
We thought about someone else, but neither one took the bait
We thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
We've had our doubts, we never took them seriously
And weve had our ins and outs, but thats the way its supposed to be
We thought about giving up, but we could never stay away
Thought about breaking up, but now we know its much too late
And its no great mystery
If we change our minds
Eventually, its back to you and me
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
We are bound by all the rest
Like the same phone number
All the same friends
And the same address
Yes, its true, (yes its true) I am happy to be stuck with you
Yes, its true, (yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
cause I can see, (I can see) that youre happy to be stuck with me
(yes its true) Im so happy to be stuck with you
Im happy to be stuck with you
Happy to be stuck with you.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Unsure of what I am feeling these days
I've been MIA for a while... Work has been kicking my ass, with preparing for two back-to-back summer programs (7/17-7/24 and 7/29-8/4), seven reports to submit to our funding sources, and a dumb as can be space survey for our department which will garner us no extra cash. All of this has to be done before July 31st - and I am drowning in the work.
Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?
Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!
Anyways, first and foremost...
Speaking of the Hubby...
...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!
WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!
Waaaaay cool!
He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...
...I should be quitting working full time!!!
Woohooo!
So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.
The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.
The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...
...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.
I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.
...So, we are waiting until we hear something.
Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.
...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.
I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:
...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.
I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...
I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!
On the medical front:
I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.
Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??
I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?
I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.
...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.
Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.
Talk about being a baby about this.
But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.
...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).
It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.
...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:
We were bantering back and forth (politely and from what I thought was professionally) about our kids...and she asked when we were going to TTC #2. I gave her this response (since she was overstepping her bounds after only corresponding for a few weeks and prying):
So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...
...I'll be back to report...
...If I manage to get a straight answer.
*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!
Here are the scenarios we are to follow:
Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?
Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!
Anyways, first and foremost...
Speaking of the Hubby...
...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!
WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!
Waaaaay cool!
He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...
...I should be quitting working full time!!!
Woohooo!
So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.
The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.
The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...
...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.
I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.
...So, we are waiting until we hear something.
Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.
...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.
I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:
...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.
I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...
I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!
On the medical front:
I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.
Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??
I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?
I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.
...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.
Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.
Talk about being a baby about this.
But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.
...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).
It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.
...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:
"No pressure to get prego the 2nd time around, but when you want it so badly, it takes that much longer. It'll happen when you least expect or try for it. Easier said than done, I know! I know a few people with fertility problems, they haven't gotten pregnant once. It's a blessing that you know you can get pregnant. That's half the battle."
"Things have not turned out quite like we planned and had hoped a second would have already happened."and had hoped she would have left it at that. Even with infertile friends, I guess she doesn't get when to end the conversation. But, since I am out about my IF anyway, I might as well set the record straight with this:
"Actually, it took us 18 months to try to conceive our son and it only happened with my ob's intervention with meds and an IUI procedure. And, the big issues now are recurrent miscarriages along with the fertility issues. So, I can certainly understand where your friends are coming from, although I am very, very lucky to finally have my son. So, we will see what the future holds."We'll see of this slows her down a bit.
So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...
...I'll be back to report...
...If I manage to get a straight answer.
*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!
Here are the scenarios we are to follow:
- If this cycle is a BFN, we are going to start with Clomid/IUI in the next cycle!! WooHoo!!
- If I don't ovulate within the next week or so, or basically don't get a new cycle going within a month and I am not PG, we will induce a period (...which I still have a Provera bottle untouched in my medicine cabinet for!!!) and start the cycle then.
- If I do ovulate this cycle, we will try one more cycle on our own and see if I ovulate. If I do and I still get a BFN, then we are on to Clomid/IUI after that. He is not making us wait 6 months to try on our own. ...Then again, I don't have to be too truthful with this and I can just call and tell him I got a new cycle without an ovulation...
Monday, June 25, 2007
Please send some positve vibes...
...not to me, but to the Hubby.
He has an interview going on right now for a great position at the same University I work for (just a different campus). We could REALLY use this job!! And, it is a great transition to get him out of actual attorney-ing.
Please think of him now as he goes through the interview. I am really, really praying he gets this!
He has an interview going on right now for a great position at the same University I work for (just a different campus). We could REALLY use this job!! And, it is a great transition to get him out of actual attorney-ing.
Please think of him now as he goes through the interview. I am really, really praying he gets this!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Another year older... Maybe another year wiser?
Well, I am 34 years old today... One more year before I am considered Advanced Maternal Age, if I ever manage to get PG again. But, I am not going to worry about that today.
Instead, I am going to enjoy my flowers....
and Belgian chocolates Hubby sent me today at work. I am going to enjoy my day, despite the work. I am going to enjoy my 34 years under my belt and relax.
...I just wish I could figure out why my profile won't update on my blog!
Instead, I am going to enjoy my flowers....
and Belgian chocolates Hubby sent me today at work. I am going to enjoy my day, despite the work. I am going to enjoy my 34 years under my belt and relax.
...I just wish I could figure out why my profile won't update on my blog!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Updates, new perspectives and time for change
Now that the Crimson Witch is gone (and the Lexapro-proof PMS crap that went with her), I truly feel I am making some progress in healing me.
I feel like the CD's I own, many collecting dust with scratches etched into them - mainly because there have been several points in time since November 2005 where I thought I was healing and moving on from my miscarriages and the resulting upheaval of it all, but I was just deluding myself. However, this time - for real - healing and letting go is just around the corner, finally tangible, finally here.
First, for the updates of the various events that sent me up for the tailspin that was 2006:
My mom got her casts off on January 8th. Her right knee is stiff, but healed. She can move it now, except going down stairs is still a challenge since the knee is not used to the movement. She has to be very careful that she doesn't trip again. Her nose is healed too - bumpy now, but healed. Her left hand, however, is looking a little odd. It is, according to the x-rays, healed. But, it is swollen and stiff. The doc moved it on her when he came out to talk to her after my dad's surgery last week (they see the same orthopedist) and it swelled up even more. She may need him to look at it again - but, luckily, a neighbor of hers is a physical therapist and is going to show her some exercises to do to maybe help first. She has to be careful though - with the knowledge that she has had a mini-stroke already, she needs to watch for signs now.
My dad had his hip replacement surgery on Janaury 10th - and did amazingly well. Considering he has to limit what he does for a while, he moves better and is in less pain than before. Amazing. He was transferred to the in-facility rehab on January 13th and is a little behind on rehab because of the MLK holiday on Monday and swelling of his leg on Tuesday morning. But, he is catching up and will be coming home this Saturday. He will receive in-home rehab after that and is scheduled to return to work around March 15th. I have a feeling my mom is going to have a hard time kicking his fanny out the door to go back to work.
** Have to add a good laugh here about my brother in Texas. He called my mom and told her she and dad were giving him stomach pains, with all that is going on here in NJ. Is he for REAL??? He has done absolutely nothing for them (and actually complained because his kids didn't get as much for Christmas this year as they normally get - how about they get a disability check to live on??) from Texas, and isn't planning on coming up at all. There is nothing "in it" for him. So glad he is in pain... **
My FIL is back to work and it appears all signs of infection in his foot is gone - the pic-line was removed because he no longer needs the IV antibiotics (although he is still on orals ones). The doc hopes that now the wound will heal for good - without a graft. Time will only tell us that. He's just mad because the doc won't let him use a cane yet - he still has to use the walker, and he hates it.
As for myself, our windows are in, so our living room will hopefully be done soon! Hubby is getting them today. Yeah! Can't wait for that room to be done - then we move on to the much-awaited and needed overhaul of the Pit of Hell (AKA the Kitchen!). I will have to post pics of the Pit soon - it is a beaut!
TTC will be delayed for a while - for how long, I don't know. I called Dr. D yesterday for new prenatals (which I can see on the Walgreens website had NOT been called in yet - and I know it is going to be pharmacy error. ** Uh, update! Duet DHA Combo Pak (Reformulated) is now in.** ) and had to ask the question: Can I TTC while on Lexapro?
We upped the dosage of Lexapro to 10 mg on January 2nd because I was still needing the extra .25 mg of Xanax around dinnertime and I wasn't comfortable with having to do that. So, the upped doseage has really helped to get me to bedtime and the .5 mg Xanex I take before going to sleep (although the PMS hit me hard this time around - the period itself last week, after a 77 day cycle, wasn't too bad. But, the moodiness was horrible and the med combo barely worked.). Dr. McC wants to see if we can now cut back on the Xanex at bedtime to .25 mg and if that works over this coming weekend, we will consider cutting out the Xanex completely in a couple of weeks. If the weekend is rough, we will wait to cut the Xanex out.
Scary.
Anyways, getting back to TTC and Lexapro... I know Xanex and TTC is a BIG no-no. So, TTC can't happen until I am off Xanex. But, I assumed I could maybe be off Xanex by April, so maybe April would be a good month to start TTC again. Later than originally hoped for in January, but not too far off that I will be turning 35 yet. Several women have said their ob/gyn's were okay with TTC on Lexapro (you just need to be off of it by the start of the 3rd trimester) - but, I needed to hear Dr. D's opinion from the horse's mouth. I have too many complications to deal with in TTC as it is - I can't complicate things by taking a med behind his back.
His answer was: NO. I have to be off it before TTC.
Surprisingly, I am okay with the answer. In a weird sort of way, it takes the pressure off of me to set a date to start TTC again - it forces me to make sure I am well physically and, more importantly, emotionally before I get back on that ride. Plus, it gives me time to really speak with Dr. S about the thyroid antibodies I am testing positive for - my MIL gave me a very interesting article from the Neward Star Ledger (which is also on nj.com) on sub-clinical thyroid disease and positive antibody screens that researchers are finding if left untreated prior to pregnancy, miscarriage and preterm birth rises dramatically. She wanted my TSH below 2.0 before TTC anyway (she seems to be up on this research I read in the article) - so, it gives me time after my March 23rd appointment to see where my TSH is then, start meds for it, and make sure that the TSH is down to where she wants it.
The answer also gives me the chance to really consider ending this TTC journey for good. I have Chris to think of, first and foremost. What's the point in sacrificing my soul and ours as a family just to be pregnant again and make my family "complete"? How can I be a good mommy if I am not a healed spirit?
Now, for some new perspectives and other realizations I am gaining for myself:
Dr. P feels that I have been trying to please everyone around me - either by keeping the peace with my family (not with Hubby and Chris, but I mean my family growing up) by always being the "good kid" or by always "saving the day" when a problem comes up at work. I have to stop doing that and learn to say "I will try to help, but I may not be able to in the end." Again, I am trying to control something...and I have to learn I can't. I have to learn to find a balance of helping and not being a slave for affection. I have already begun to try to change this by not rushing around at work and making my sister pick up some of the load of visiting my dad and helping my mom. And, with each baby step I make, my stomach aches a little less, my hands shake a little less.
To help with the trying to give up the control, I am seriously considering going for acupuncture (Dr. McC recommended it). Going for a class for something like yoga is not my cup of tea - I hate taking classes like that. So, acupuncture might help with the start of relaxing and rebalancing...and maybe even with my cycles. More on that later - trying to get answers to what is covered with insurance has already been a hassle! But, I am NOT stressing about it...really.
I like having my time in the evenings to read and relax. I can't remember the last time relax entered my brain. I can sit and dive into a book and not think about work, chores, rants, my health. I can breathe.
I like being able to go out to the store and not panic over a simple thing. I went shopping for shoes and other things I needed on my own, and I was okay with it. It has been a long time since I was comfortable doing it - I was becoming a hermit.
My "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote last week:
I feel like the CD's I own, many collecting dust with scratches etched into them - mainly because there have been several points in time since November 2005 where I thought I was healing and moving on from my miscarriages and the resulting upheaval of it all, but I was just deluding myself. However, this time - for real - healing and letting go is just around the corner, finally tangible, finally here.
First, for the updates of the various events that sent me up for the tailspin that was 2006:
My mom got her casts off on January 8th. Her right knee is stiff, but healed. She can move it now, except going down stairs is still a challenge since the knee is not used to the movement. She has to be very careful that she doesn't trip again. Her nose is healed too - bumpy now, but healed. Her left hand, however, is looking a little odd. It is, according to the x-rays, healed. But, it is swollen and stiff. The doc moved it on her when he came out to talk to her after my dad's surgery last week (they see the same orthopedist) and it swelled up even more. She may need him to look at it again - but, luckily, a neighbor of hers is a physical therapist and is going to show her some exercises to do to maybe help first. She has to be careful though - with the knowledge that she has had a mini-stroke already, she needs to watch for signs now.
My dad had his hip replacement surgery on Janaury 10th - and did amazingly well. Considering he has to limit what he does for a while, he moves better and is in less pain than before. Amazing. He was transferred to the in-facility rehab on January 13th and is a little behind on rehab because of the MLK holiday on Monday and swelling of his leg on Tuesday morning. But, he is catching up and will be coming home this Saturday. He will receive in-home rehab after that and is scheduled to return to work around March 15th. I have a feeling my mom is going to have a hard time kicking his fanny out the door to go back to work.
** Have to add a good laugh here about my brother in Texas. He called my mom and told her she and dad were giving him stomach pains, with all that is going on here in NJ. Is he for REAL??? He has done absolutely nothing for them (and actually complained because his kids didn't get as much for Christmas this year as they normally get - how about they get a disability check to live on??) from Texas, and isn't planning on coming up at all. There is nothing "in it" for him. So glad he is in pain... **
My FIL is back to work and it appears all signs of infection in his foot is gone - the pic-line was removed because he no longer needs the IV antibiotics (although he is still on orals ones). The doc hopes that now the wound will heal for good - without a graft. Time will only tell us that. He's just mad because the doc won't let him use a cane yet - he still has to use the walker, and he hates it.
As for myself, our windows are in, so our living room will hopefully be done soon! Hubby is getting them today. Yeah! Can't wait for that room to be done - then we move on to the much-awaited and needed overhaul of the Pit of Hell (AKA the Kitchen!). I will have to post pics of the Pit soon - it is a beaut!
TTC will be delayed for a while - for how long, I don't know. I called Dr. D yesterday for new prenatals (which I can see on the Walgreens website had NOT been called in yet - and I know it is going to be pharmacy error. ** Uh, update! Duet DHA Combo Pak (Reformulated) is now in.** ) and had to ask the question: Can I TTC while on Lexapro?
We upped the dosage of Lexapro to 10 mg on January 2nd because I was still needing the extra .25 mg of Xanax around dinnertime and I wasn't comfortable with having to do that. So, the upped doseage has really helped to get me to bedtime and the .5 mg Xanex I take before going to sleep (although the PMS hit me hard this time around - the period itself last week, after a 77 day cycle, wasn't too bad. But, the moodiness was horrible and the med combo barely worked.). Dr. McC wants to see if we can now cut back on the Xanex at bedtime to .25 mg and if that works over this coming weekend, we will consider cutting out the Xanex completely in a couple of weeks. If the weekend is rough, we will wait to cut the Xanex out.
Scary.
Anyways, getting back to TTC and Lexapro... I know Xanex and TTC is a BIG no-no. So, TTC can't happen until I am off Xanex. But, I assumed I could maybe be off Xanex by April, so maybe April would be a good month to start TTC again. Later than originally hoped for in January, but not too far off that I will be turning 35 yet. Several women have said their ob/gyn's were okay with TTC on Lexapro (you just need to be off of it by the start of the 3rd trimester) - but, I needed to hear Dr. D's opinion from the horse's mouth. I have too many complications to deal with in TTC as it is - I can't complicate things by taking a med behind his back.
His answer was: NO. I have to be off it before TTC.
Surprisingly, I am okay with the answer. In a weird sort of way, it takes the pressure off of me to set a date to start TTC again - it forces me to make sure I am well physically and, more importantly, emotionally before I get back on that ride. Plus, it gives me time to really speak with Dr. S about the thyroid antibodies I am testing positive for - my MIL gave me a very interesting article from the Neward Star Ledger (which is also on nj.com) on sub-clinical thyroid disease and positive antibody screens that researchers are finding if left untreated prior to pregnancy, miscarriage and preterm birth rises dramatically. She wanted my TSH below 2.0 before TTC anyway (she seems to be up on this research I read in the article) - so, it gives me time after my March 23rd appointment to see where my TSH is then, start meds for it, and make sure that the TSH is down to where she wants it.
The answer also gives me the chance to really consider ending this TTC journey for good. I have Chris to think of, first and foremost. What's the point in sacrificing my soul and ours as a family just to be pregnant again and make my family "complete"? How can I be a good mommy if I am not a healed spirit?
Now, for some new perspectives and other realizations I am gaining for myself:
Dr. P feels that I have been trying to please everyone around me - either by keeping the peace with my family (not with Hubby and Chris, but I mean my family growing up) by always being the "good kid" or by always "saving the day" when a problem comes up at work. I have to stop doing that and learn to say "I will try to help, but I may not be able to in the end." Again, I am trying to control something...and I have to learn I can't. I have to learn to find a balance of helping and not being a slave for affection. I have already begun to try to change this by not rushing around at work and making my sister pick up some of the load of visiting my dad and helping my mom. And, with each baby step I make, my stomach aches a little less, my hands shake a little less.
To help with the trying to give up the control, I am seriously considering going for acupuncture (Dr. McC recommended it). Going for a class for something like yoga is not my cup of tea - I hate taking classes like that. So, acupuncture might help with the start of relaxing and rebalancing...and maybe even with my cycles. More on that later - trying to get answers to what is covered with insurance has already been a hassle! But, I am NOT stressing about it...really.
I like having my time in the evenings to read and relax. I can't remember the last time relax entered my brain. I can sit and dive into a book and not think about work, chores, rants, my health. I can breathe.
I like being able to go out to the store and not panic over a simple thing. I went shopping for shoes and other things I needed on my own, and I was okay with it. It has been a long time since I was comfortable doing it - I was becoming a hermit.
My "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote last week:
"Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty," by Doris Day
How we look at something often determines what it is.
I have been looking at my miscarraiges and infertility as my personal flaw, my cross to bare. Sure, it is. But, I have so much to give thanks for in my life - it outweighs those "flaws" I see in myself. I have let these "flaws" define my life instead of absorbing them into the small piece of me that they are. I have to end the complaining and begin the celebrating. I am more than just a recurrent miscarrier. I am more than just an infertile (and infertile again). I am a women with family and friends, interests and loves, likes and dislikes. I am a woman with hope and faith and charity to give. I am more than just my cross I bare.
Lastly, there is a wind of change coming for my life, and I am liking it.
Yet again, my "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote on Tuesday:
"How about spending a whole year focusing on the positive aspects of having children in our lives? Sometimes the stress of all we do can cause us momentarily to forget. This year, let's make it a point to appreciate them.
Children keep us young."
This quote was so right-on, I began to cry. The "jobs" of motherhood - the laundry, the diaper changing, the potty training, the illness caring and preventing, the schedule arranging - have been my focus for too long. How did I fall into this? Probably to try to find some control in my life because this was not my focus before starting to TTC #2 in July 2005. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for Chris - except I was sacrificing my time (and HIS) playing with him. Play time was not "perfect" - he played, I watched. I should have been playing with him all along and enjoying it. I used to laugh when he laughed, learned when he learned. But, I was just watching and thinking about what chores I had yet to do.
As I had mentioned in my post Some more self-realizations, I have lost so much time with Chris that I will never be able to get back. I have watched him grow more from the sidelines than as an active Mommy and that has to end. Yesterday, we had a Dance Party in our living room, after working the day at home. His giggles just blew any stress I felt out of the water - and I was relaxed and acting like a goofball. The smile on his face was priceless to me...kinda a "Where have you been all year?" face. It was something I hadn't done with him in a long time (God! He weighed a lot less! I can barely swing him around anymore!).
So, I am going to dedicate every Friday to special posts about Chris - to post things that either he does now that are hilarious to me, or his changes from baby to toddler that amaze me, or whatever strikes my fancy on any given Friday. He is my #1 blessing - and I need to allow myself to celebrate that. I fought for him to be here - more than I ever realized when I was pregnant with him. I hope everyone can enjoy the things I see on Fridays.
Going to go finish my book now... :)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Some more self-realizations
I have been thinking so much the past few days of this New Year - self-realizations that I have not been able to see at all over the past year or so. I am just glad I am seeing them now instead of 30+ years from now like MIL, as she is beginning to see for herself as she watches (and talks to) me going through this.
These thoughts started on Friday when I realized how many things I actually don't remember after my last miscarriage. I was working on some manuscript files my Director is editor-in-chief for...files that, up until this past week, he has not had time to review since, well, April 2006. He had some questions on a few of the files, like were the referees thanked for their reports and if the authors received copies of the reports from the referees - and, quite frankly, if the print-outs of the correspondance were not in the files (which some of them were not), I really couldn't say if they were or weren't sent.
This is the first time in my life that I cannot recall what I did at work. I document EVERYTHING to have back-up, but this time I had not. I never delete an e-mail or a document at work because I know someday I will need it. I have e-mails and documents on my PC going back to when I started working there (again) in August 1998! Yet, I could not remember a thing from March or April.
March and April were bad... Unlike the long Thanksgiving weekend I had to "recover" from the d&e in November 2005, I went right back to work two days after the d&c in March 2006. Not having that time to start to address what happened with the miscarriage- a loss that I had no idea was coming since I had all of the morning sickness signs I had with Chris - and having a full load on my plate at work was a very bad combination... A combination that cost me almost a year of my life.
It has been so nice to play with Chris with my full head and heart present again... For the past few months, I have felt like my time with him has been like watching him through a clouded window: I was there only watching him play while everyone else interacted with him and had fun. I was not able to be interactive. I was not present. I was not part of the fun - nor a part of his memories.
And there is no way to get that time back now... Time with him that is already short.
I hate the fact that miscarraige is not always viewed by the outside world as a real loss. women are expected to be over it so quickly - like that baby growing inside of you was never really a part of your heart and soul. When one of the ladies from one of my BG's went through the stillbirth of her daughter last fall (which I know she is still dealing with now), she was at least able to have a funeral, a proper burial for her child lost. She was not expected back at work for a while and had that time to mourn. She is still mourning - but she did not have to face the outside world until she was a little more ready to.
I was not allowed to have that time.
If it had not been for the long Thanksgiving weekend following my d&e in 11/05, I probably would have been back two days later at work too.
But, two days is just not enough to begin to grieve those losses...hence why I am still here, learning how to let go and move forward with my life.
That is not to say my bosses wouldn't have allowed me the extra time - I think if I truly knew I needed the time, they would have allowed it. But, I was trying to run from the losses too - burrying myself in my work to escape. So, I am partly to blame. I didn't think I needed the time - I was turning into a "pro" at miscarriage now since this was my third.
I wish things could have been handled differently...so I wouldn't have lost so much time. I wish I had realized what I was doing to myself - and what others were in turn not doing for me to realize it myself - so I wouldn't be sitting here in January 2007 trying to find myself again.
Hubby at least was making the effort, as were a very few select friends (Zia included) and ladies I know on-line. But, until you can truly see for yourself, their efforts are in vain.
But, I guess an addict - whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, work or continued grief - in the end cannot see it from other people. They have to see it for themselves. And that is the hardest thing to do in life - see things for what they really are.
...I am glad I can see them now... I am enjoying my Chris again.
Hubby pointed out to me last night, as he slept in my arms at 6:30 pm after refusing to take a nap around 1 pm, that I looked like I was holding him for the first time - like I looked when he was first born. In a way, that idea is not that far from the truth. In many ways, I do feel like this is a new birth - a new birth of spirit and love for me and for my family.
These thoughts started on Friday when I realized how many things I actually don't remember after my last miscarriage. I was working on some manuscript files my Director is editor-in-chief for...files that, up until this past week, he has not had time to review since, well, April 2006. He had some questions on a few of the files, like were the referees thanked for their reports and if the authors received copies of the reports from the referees - and, quite frankly, if the print-outs of the correspondance were not in the files (which some of them were not), I really couldn't say if they were or weren't sent.
This is the first time in my life that I cannot recall what I did at work. I document EVERYTHING to have back-up, but this time I had not. I never delete an e-mail or a document at work because I know someday I will need it. I have e-mails and documents on my PC going back to when I started working there (again) in August 1998! Yet, I could not remember a thing from March or April.
March and April were bad... Unlike the long Thanksgiving weekend I had to "recover" from the d&e in November 2005, I went right back to work two days after the d&c in March 2006. Not having that time to start to address what happened with the miscarriage- a loss that I had no idea was coming since I had all of the morning sickness signs I had with Chris - and having a full load on my plate at work was a very bad combination... A combination that cost me almost a year of my life.
It has been so nice to play with Chris with my full head and heart present again... For the past few months, I have felt like my time with him has been like watching him through a clouded window: I was there only watching him play while everyone else interacted with him and had fun. I was not able to be interactive. I was not present. I was not part of the fun - nor a part of his memories.
And there is no way to get that time back now... Time with him that is already short.
I hate the fact that miscarraige is not always viewed by the outside world as a real loss. women are expected to be over it so quickly - like that baby growing inside of you was never really a part of your heart and soul. When one of the ladies from one of my BG's went through the stillbirth of her daughter last fall (which I know she is still dealing with now), she was at least able to have a funeral, a proper burial for her child lost. She was not expected back at work for a while and had that time to mourn. She is still mourning - but she did not have to face the outside world until she was a little more ready to.
I was not allowed to have that time.
If it had not been for the long Thanksgiving weekend following my d&e in 11/05, I probably would have been back two days later at work too.
But, two days is just not enough to begin to grieve those losses...hence why I am still here, learning how to let go and move forward with my life.
That is not to say my bosses wouldn't have allowed me the extra time - I think if I truly knew I needed the time, they would have allowed it. But, I was trying to run from the losses too - burrying myself in my work to escape. So, I am partly to blame. I didn't think I needed the time - I was turning into a "pro" at miscarriage now since this was my third.
I wish things could have been handled differently...so I wouldn't have lost so much time. I wish I had realized what I was doing to myself - and what others were in turn not doing for me to realize it myself - so I wouldn't be sitting here in January 2007 trying to find myself again.
Hubby at least was making the effort, as were a very few select friends (Zia included) and ladies I know on-line. But, until you can truly see for yourself, their efforts are in vain.
But, I guess an addict - whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, work or continued grief - in the end cannot see it from other people. They have to see it for themselves. And that is the hardest thing to do in life - see things for what they really are.
...I am glad I can see them now... I am enjoying my Chris again.
Hubby pointed out to me last night, as he slept in my arms at 6:30 pm after refusing to take a nap around 1 pm, that I looked like I was holding him for the first time - like I looked when he was first born. In a way, that idea is not that far from the truth. In many ways, I do feel like this is a new birth - a new birth of spirit and love for me and for my family.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Happy 8th Anniversary, Hubby!
Ah... Eight years today, I was getting up to drizzle and gloomy skies - and our wedding! Nothing was rushed that day - the wedding was at 5 pm, so we had time to get our hair done, our make-up done, etc. It was one of the few days I was sure of the decision I was making... Hubby is my "lobster" (hope everyone gets the reference) and I knew it was right. No regrets.
I have yet to scan some of the pics from our wedding (proofs were still paper proofs in 1998!) so I can post them here.
I can't believe eight years have already past... It went so fast! We made it past the "7-year itch"...and much more. And, despite the emotional rollercoaster of this year, we are closer than ever.
Happy 8th Anniversary, sweetie! Hope you find your cards this morning...
_________________________________________________________
Here are some songs that that define the beginning and on-going of our marriage... Specifically, The Wedding Song, which was played at our wedding.
Grow Old with Me
by John Lennon
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love
Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love
Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end
Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love
The Wedding Song
by Noel Paul Stookey
He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubador is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.
Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.
Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.
Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.
I have yet to scan some of the pics from our wedding (proofs were still paper proofs in 1998!) so I can post them here.
I can't believe eight years have already past... It went so fast! We made it past the "7-year itch"...and much more. And, despite the emotional rollercoaster of this year, we are closer than ever.
Happy 8th Anniversary, sweetie! Hope you find your cards this morning...
Here are some songs that that define the beginning and on-going of our marriage... Specifically, The Wedding Song, which was played at our wedding.
by John Lennon
Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love
Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love
Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end
Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love
by Noel Paul Stookey
He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubador is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.
Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.
Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.
Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.
Monday, September 18, 2006
19 years ago today....
...I met my Hubby. Phew! Has it been that long already! Amazing how so much has changed in almost 2 decades....yet, we are in a small way, still the same.
I wasn't planning to go to my high school welcome dance... It was a Friday, after the first week of school (okay, the first week of High School!) at an all-girls catholic school (this was my choice, since the boys in grammer school were, to say the least, mean to a girl who "developed" early). The change to high school was enough for me that week - I didn't feel like subjecting myself to meeting a whole slew of high school boys. But, a friend (C) I met on the bus earlier that week wanted to go....and she insisted I go with her.
I met up with C after my parents dropped me off at the door (wow, were we lame or what!) at 8 pm. We went in (and, like high school freshman, we were the first to show up - even lamer!) and the music just started. We had a good time meeting up with others from our class, seeing the guys show up, and scanning the guys to see who was "cute" and who were nerds.
Around 9 pm, C saw this guy (Joe) and "wanted to dance with him." But, she just couldn't ask him herself (insert eyes rolling here - as, years later when we were 22 years old, she was chasing male dancers around at the clubs!). So, off I went to ask him to dance with her at the next slow dance. Joe agreed - but only if I and a third friend we met up with would dance with two of his friends.
Ding! Ding! Ding! WARNING LIGHTS!!! What we do for friends, right?
So, I agreed and about 10 minutes later, the next slow dance comes up and the three guys head through the crowd like a Navy armada.
C and Joe walk off together to dance, leaving myself, our other friend and two guys standing there like dorks. Finally, the one guy breaks the ice and says, "Come on...lets meet each other and dance." He takes my hand and off we go.
Here is the song that was playing...
How can I convince you what you see is real
We didn't talk until after the song was over.... He asked if I wanted a soda (gotta love high school dances!), and escorted me to the cafeteria (did I mention the dance was in my high school gym?).
It was there that he introduced himself as "Nek" - that is Ken spelled backwards, drop the "c". Oi! What a lame line that was....but, so sweet, I couldn't leave. We talked for 2 hours...about his cousins (who at the time were 4 and 6 years old - now, the 4 year old is getting married and is expecting her first baby!), about school, about what we wanted to do with our lives... The time went by so fast...yet it felt like I knew him for years.
Then, I had to make a confession to him.... I took him over to where my purse was and dug out my glasses: Yes, I wore glasses! He laughed himself to tears! He thought I had some "deep, dark secret" that was going to scare him off. He still makes fun of me about that now. I always respond that it was a good thing he was good looking...my vision isn't great without glasses!
At the end of the dance, he gave me his phone number. Me, being the traditional type of girl, gave him my phone number and asked that he call me - I wasn't going to chase him, I wanted him to chase me. He escorted me out to my parents car, said hi to my parents, and shook my hand (my mom laughs about that, even now!).
He called the following Sunday night...and we talked for about 3 hours straight...and the rest of history.
The night I chose to go to that dance was the smartest choice in my life. He has been my rock so many times...and every road really did lead back to him. Sometimes, fate has a funny way of working...
I wasn't planning to go to my high school welcome dance... It was a Friday, after the first week of school (okay, the first week of High School!) at an all-girls catholic school (this was my choice, since the boys in grammer school were, to say the least, mean to a girl who "developed" early). The change to high school was enough for me that week - I didn't feel like subjecting myself to meeting a whole slew of high school boys. But, a friend (C) I met on the bus earlier that week wanted to go....and she insisted I go with her.
I met up with C after my parents dropped me off at the door (wow, were we lame or what!) at 8 pm. We went in (and, like high school freshman, we were the first to show up - even lamer!) and the music just started. We had a good time meeting up with others from our class, seeing the guys show up, and scanning the guys to see who was "cute" and who were nerds.
Around 9 pm, C saw this guy (Joe) and "wanted to dance with him." But, she just couldn't ask him herself (insert eyes rolling here - as, years later when we were 22 years old, she was chasing male dancers around at the clubs!). So, off I went to ask him to dance with her at the next slow dance. Joe agreed - but only if I and a third friend we met up with would dance with two of his friends.
Ding! Ding! Ding! WARNING LIGHTS!!! What we do for friends, right?
So, I agreed and about 10 minutes later, the next slow dance comes up and the three guys head through the crowd like a Navy armada.
C and Joe walk off together to dance, leaving myself, our other friend and two guys standing there like dorks. Finally, the one guy breaks the ice and says, "Come on...lets meet each other and dance." He takes my hand and off we go.
Here is the song that was playing...
The Search Is Over
by Survivor
How can I convince you what you see is real
Who am I to blame you for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin', you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Can we last forever, will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing, these questions of the heart
You followed me through changes and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses through some miracle of fate
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes
I can see forever, the search is over
You were with me all the while
Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done
The search has come full circle
Our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me
Show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain
The man I really am
I was living for a dream, loving for a moment
Taking on the world, that was just my style
Then I touched your hand, I could hear you whisper
The search is over, love was right before my eyes
We didn't talk until after the song was over.... He asked if I wanted a soda (gotta love high school dances!), and escorted me to the cafeteria (did I mention the dance was in my high school gym?).
It was there that he introduced himself as "Nek" - that is Ken spelled backwards, drop the "c". Oi! What a lame line that was....but, so sweet, I couldn't leave. We talked for 2 hours...about his cousins (who at the time were 4 and 6 years old - now, the 4 year old is getting married and is expecting her first baby!), about school, about what we wanted to do with our lives... The time went by so fast...yet it felt like I knew him for years.
Then, I had to make a confession to him.... I took him over to where my purse was and dug out my glasses: Yes, I wore glasses! He laughed himself to tears! He thought I had some "deep, dark secret" that was going to scare him off. He still makes fun of me about that now. I always respond that it was a good thing he was good looking...my vision isn't great without glasses!
At the end of the dance, he gave me his phone number. Me, being the traditional type of girl, gave him my phone number and asked that he call me - I wasn't going to chase him, I wanted him to chase me. He escorted me out to my parents car, said hi to my parents, and shook my hand (my mom laughs about that, even now!).
He called the following Sunday night...and we talked for about 3 hours straight...and the rest of history.
The night I chose to go to that dance was the smartest choice in my life. He has been my rock so many times...and every road really did lead back to him. Sometimes, fate has a funny way of working...
Friday, May 19, 2006
Reconnecting
Sitting here at work, I just heard the song that Hubby and I danced to at our wedding in October 1998 ...and danced to the night we met is September 1987. This is a song NEVER played on the radio - one of those '80's "power ballads" that are considered so cheey now - that I am shocked it was on the radio today...
...and I should have been out of my 2 mile walk right now - preempted by a huge thunderstorm. Coindicence, maybe, to keep me here to hear it played? God only knows that.
But, thinking about this song has made me realize how hard I have been on him over the past few months - not by choice really, but out of necessity to keep myself in some sort of stabilty. The only thing I can really control right now is how Chris is raised and how things are kept at the house. I have no control over what is happening with my body, and I have no control of how wild my workload has gotten at work. And, I certainly would never want to take my frustrations out on Chris - and I can't take them out on the people I work with since I need the job for the faboo health insurance -, so I guess the only logical (and unconscious) target would be Hubby and the mess he leaves behind.
Guess I have been a real ass the past few months and never wanted to fess up to it.
Now, that doesn't mean he is off the hook 100% - he really does need to meet me halfway with helping me out - but at least I can agree to back-off a little bit.
Until we can talk - hopefully tonight, if I don't fall asleep on him first (which has been quite the challenge the last few weeks between the Lorazepam, work and the allergies) - here is the song that has reminded me of why I married him in the first place and why I can't give up on us, and won't.
The Search Is Over
By Survivor
How can I convince you
what you see is real
Who am I to blame you
for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin',
you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while
Can we last forever,
will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing,
the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes,
and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses,
through some miracle of fate
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while
Now the miles stretch out behind me,
loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck,
it finally stuck like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you,
now all is said and done
The search has come full circle,
our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me,
show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain the man I really am
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
When I touched your hand,
I could hear you whisper
The search is over,
love was right before my eyes
...and I should have been out of my 2 mile walk right now - preempted by a huge thunderstorm. Coindicence, maybe, to keep me here to hear it played? God only knows that.
But, thinking about this song has made me realize how hard I have been on him over the past few months - not by choice really, but out of necessity to keep myself in some sort of stabilty. The only thing I can really control right now is how Chris is raised and how things are kept at the house. I have no control over what is happening with my body, and I have no control of how wild my workload has gotten at work. And, I certainly would never want to take my frustrations out on Chris - and I can't take them out on the people I work with since I need the job for the faboo health insurance -, so I guess the only logical (and unconscious) target would be Hubby and the mess he leaves behind.
Guess I have been a real ass the past few months and never wanted to fess up to it.
Now, that doesn't mean he is off the hook 100% - he really does need to meet me halfway with helping me out - but at least I can agree to back-off a little bit.
Until we can talk - hopefully tonight, if I don't fall asleep on him first (which has been quite the challenge the last few weeks between the Lorazepam, work and the allergies) - here is the song that has reminded me of why I married him in the first place and why I can't give up on us, and won't.
The Search Is Over
By Survivor
How can I convince you
what you see is real
Who am I to blame you
for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin',
you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while
Can we last forever,
will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing,
the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes,
and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses,
through some miracle of fate
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while
Now the miles stretch out behind me,
loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck,
it finally stuck like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you,
now all is said and done
The search has come full circle,
our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me,
show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain the man I really am
I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
When I touched your hand,
I could hear you whisper
The search is over,
love was right before my eyes
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