Friday, July 28, 2006

Am I grasping at straws here?

Hubby and I, along with our in-laws, took Chris down to the Jersey short for the day yesterday, since Hubby's aunt (Cookoo for reference here - long story on the name, but is such a great person!) and uncle (Tio) were renting a place for the week. We had a great time...lots of sun, pooling and boardwalking with Chris. We won him his own little guitar (mini version of Hubby's) on the boards and he's been strumming it ever since.

Here is where the trip gets a little bit interesting:

There is a psychic down on the boardwalk that Cookoo (and Hubby by extension) has gone to for years and, despite the hoopla of psychics, is VERY accurate. Dianna is her name. Cookoo talked my MIL into going to see her yesterday while we were on the boardwalk because my FIL has had a rough go with his health for a long time. MIL spent about 20 minutes with this Dianna and, among things directly associated to my MIL, Dianne described my situation to a "T" without my MIL even saying a word to her before hand.

Dianna told her that her daughter (she knew my MIL referred to me as daughter not daughter-in-law) had a healthy and happy son, but is going through a very hard time right now due to three recent miscarriages. She said I was going through a round of situational depression and therapy because of the miscarriages, and a whole bunch of medical issues have come up since the last miscarriage, which is making me question whether TTC will just be put on hold or if we will not longer try again.

Dianna told my MIL that, without a doubt, she will be a grandma again to 2 more children. Since Hubby is an only, that would mean these two grandchildren would be our children. Dianna was very exact and matter-of-fact about the news.

My MIL wasn't sure if she wanted to tell me or not, but decided that she should. Not sure if this is helping me or not, but considering my MIL did not lead Dianna on with ANY information, Dianna just knew TOO MUCH for her predictions not to be wrong.

Hubby later went to Dianna for a reading (the last time he was there was in 1999), but I don't think she made the connection to my MIL because Hubby really favors my FIL in looks and he didn't let on to anything either. Dianna told hom the same information and added to him that I need to let the pain go and work on getting physically better...and, come December/January, return to TTC again with a clear head. Fits right into my time frame, considering we were taking a break until January anyway. He did not tell her that until after she said it first.

Despite this coming from a boardwalk psychic, Dianna was just too accurate with when things happened. How could she have known? She didn't suggest things and get my MIL or Hubby to answer for her - she just said it outright, so there has to be something real going on with her predictions.

I plan to go see her myself in early September, when we are on vacation for the week. I didn't want to "contaminate" the situation by going myself on the same day as my MIL and Hubby. So, it will be interesting to see what she says to me in 5 weeks...

Of course, I can't allow myself to dwell on this or expect this will be the outcome...but it really does make you wonder about how this will all work out in the end. Guess we will just have to wait to see what the future brings...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Maybe it is time to really read the writing on the wall

The upper GI doc FINALLY called back last night to go over the results of the findings from 2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures.

Here is the good news: From CT scan, he said the gall bladder, bile duct and the kidneys are all fine.

Here is the not-so-good news:

  1. From the CT scan, he said he could see multiple fibroids (one internal in the uterus). The one I knew of was at the top and outside. So, I have to call Dr. D to see if he wants copies of the film. To my knowledge, no other fibroids than the one I had from before I was PG with Chris were present before my last miscarriage - if they were in fact there before the miscarriages, then this is an added complication we have to deal with in TTC and carrying to term.
  2. Since everything internal seems fine, he said my stomach issues are a combo of GERD (which really has been under control now, thanks to the Aciphex!) and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (which my mom, sis and aunt all have). Yippee! Which means, there is no quick fix for this...and it is a life-long thing to deal with.
  3. From the b/w, he found my calcium level is up (probably due to all of the Tums I've been chewing, and no big deal) and my cholesterol is up (a chronic problem for me, so I have to try yet again to alter my diet - yippee again!).
  4. Also from b/w, my thyroid panel was elevated. The thyroid is a shocker since Dr. D just ran a completely thorough thyroid panel in the Recurrent Loss Panel and all was fine! So, I am having my GP's office fax over those results to Dr. D today. My MIL, who's 20+ week m/c of twin boys was completely attibuted to hyperthyroid, told me last night that results in thyroid screenings can change very quickly, hence Dr. D's panel not detecting it back in May. It should be checked every 3-6 months.
  5. The upper GI doc does think, although my urine analysis and b/w say otherwise, that I may have a UTI since I have been running a low fever and have chills like crazy since Friday... So, he is calling in cypro for me to take for a week.
So, in addition to the MTHFR complication (which has yet to be addressed in treatment), I now have to look at the complications of additional, and more serious, fibroids AND a possibility of a thyroid disorder with TTC.

Maybe it is time to really start reading the writing on the wall... Maybe Chris is our one true miracle and we need to accept that he will be our ONLY true miracle. We started thinking about this in March after my last miscarriage...maybe it is time to really face the truth and accept TTC may very well be over for us. There is nothing wrong with having an only child - hubby is one himself. But, this is not what I wanted - I wanted a sibling for Chris.

MTHFR, fibroids and thyroid disorders have so many complications in and of themselves in PG and PG outcome...and, mixing them all together, who knows what will happen. I could not live with myself if, out of some selfish need to have a #2, something medically terrible happened to a potential child - something that would make life hard to live through for that potential child. I can't play Russian roulette with a potential child's future just to fulfill my own wishes - that's not fair.

So, over the next 5 weeks, I really need to push for more answers to these new complications before I see the MFM clinic on 8/30. If I am told at that pre-conception consult that our odds of a healthy child are significantly lowered due to these three complications to gether, it is time for us to walk away and thank God for the blessing we have. What a decision to have to make now...when all I wanted in my life was to be a GOOD mommy to 2 or 3 children.

How do we walk away from this dream and call our family complete?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer

While in my therapy session yesterday, the topic of returning to TTC came up.

He said he thinks that my ideas of how I want to have things work out with TTC again are basically going to cause me another breakdown if it does not work out the way I planned. In order to get me to understand how I need to change my focus, he shared with me the Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer and it goes something like this:

An old Chinese farmer was in his barn attending to some tasks. A young traveler stops in and says to him, "I have some bad news for you."

The Chinese farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler says to him, "Your prize stallion has run off and now you have no horse to attend to. Isn't that terrible news?"

The farmer replies, "Perhaps."

The traveler leaves, rather puzzled by the response.

A week later, the traveler stops by the farm again and sees the farmer in his barn. He says, "I have some fantstic news for you!"

The farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler responds, "Your prize stallion is back, and has brought with him 3 wild stallions. You have your prize back and potential for more. Isn't that fantastic news!"

The farmer replies, "Perhaps."

The traveler is puzzeled yet again, but leaves.

A week after that, the traveler yet again stops by the farm and stops the farmer to speak to him. He says, "I have some horrible news for you."

The farmer asks what the news is.

The traveler responds, "While your son was out in the fields trying to tame one of the three wild stallions, he was thrown off the horse and has broken his leg. He won't be able to help you with the farm, nor will he be able to help you with the stallions. Isn't that horrible?"

The farmer replies yet again, "Perhaps."

The traveler is very agitated now, as all of his stories seem to have no affect on the farmer. He leaves in a hurry, not sure what to think.

Another weeks goes by and the traveler stops by the farm again, ready to relay more news. The traveler says, "Sir, I have some dreadful news for you."

The farmer asks again what the news is.

The traveler responds, "Our village is now at war with the neighboring village. The leaders are trying to put an army together to fight, but because your son's leg is broken, he will not be chosen to fight for our village. Isn't that aweful news?"

The farmer replies once more, "Perhaps."

...The moral of this story is, no matter the outcome or the news, sometimes it is better to let the news roll off your back because we don't know (nor may never know) the outcome of the events before us.

What my therapist would like to see me do is ultimately:

  1. Set limits on how far Hubby and I are willing to go in this (which we already have)
  2. Let be what will be
  3. Remember what I do have in my life, and let that be the focus while TTC again
I think my mind is beginning to really think this way...slowly, of course. I have to give up my expectations of what I want and just live. This is very hard to do, though, when you don't have the ease of just getting pregnant. But, I am trying to find balance there.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Why do I listen to unwarrented advice?

Had a good weekend - quiet stay at home Saturday, and off to visit our friends yesterday. It was some great quiet time with the family. Although, I have a MAJOR beotch session about the visit yesterday to get off my chest...

We visited with Hubby's friends from grammar school (M, who is married to J and has K1; and E, who is married to T and has K2 - see post Dinner With Friends about E&T) yesterday.

T is a special ed teacher...and is very open about what she does at school (always has, like she should get a Girl Scout patch on her sash for all of her "saves"). She truly is good at what she does, so she should be proud of her accomplishments...except when they cross over the line and she starts making comments about what just isn't there.

M put on Jack's Big Music Show for Chris later in the day because all of us were indoors due to the heat (and M&J's lack of pool, since they were having a problem putting it together in time for us to come up for the visit). When Jack is on, Chris likes to dance around, sing, and act like an all-around 2 year old goofball. You could see T is watching him closely - not out of enjoyment, but with that analyzing look to her. She proceeds to make a comment about half-way through the program about Chris' toe-walking...basically saying, you know, I think Chris could be autistic.

Now, I KNOW what the warning signs are of autism and I KNOW how important it is to diagnose this early... My best friend's neice has benefited so much from early intervention, and I know several others who DC are just now starting out on their own journies through autism. But, Chris occasionally toe walks! Who cares? Hubby toe-walked when he was a toddler. Hubby's cousin toe-talked as a toddler. Our ped mentioned the toe-walking to us at his two year check-up...and proceeded to say, don't worry about it. The worst that can happen is he will have flat feet (as does my Hubby and cousin...see the GENETICS working here?).

But, this single comment from someone who probably only sees Chris about once every two to three months now has Hubby in a tizzy... He, like I, wants to make sure if there are problems with Chris, we get them addressed early. He is worried now really over nothing now.

To alleviate his mind a bit, I went on-line looking for signs, etc. of autism for him. According to sites like Autism Society of America, Autism Speaks, First Signs, and Cure Autism Now, here are the major behaviors that signal further evaluation is warranted for autism:

  1. No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter
  2. No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter
  3. No babbling by 12 months
  4. No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months
  5. No words by 16 months
  6. No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months
  7. Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age
Chris has not displayed ANY of these signs. Chris is just a normal kid who likes to toe-walk.

Sure, I am concerned about Chris' speech, as do most parents - he talks well and up to the standard for his age. But, he has gotten into the habit of pointing for things instead of asking verbally because, well, he has several people on my in-law's side that like to baby him and give him what he points to. Would you verbally ask for something if all you had to do was point and get it? It is laziness and stubbornness...which I need to train him out of. And, it may be something I will address privately after talking to our ped about it.

Our ped does very thorough Well Baby visits - I would think if he saw anything questionable, or throught of something based on our responses to his questions, he would have said something already to us.

I really hate when people start planting a seed like that when there is no problem - and she, of all people, should know better.

Friday, July 14, 2006

2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures

I finally received back from Dr. R (the upper GI guy) the results of my abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday... My gallbladder - the whole reason for this ultrasound - is 100% a-okay. But....and, of course, there is a "but" ...the ultrasound showed a dilation of the bile duct and that both of my kidneys are enlarged. "Probably nothing, but let's check a CAT scan and bloodwork," he says.

So, I am off for another bloodletting tomorrow morning...thank goodness LabCorp has Saturday hours so I don't have to take MORE time off for this medical crap this year!

Then, I am off for the lovely CAT scan on Thursday, July 20th (8 am, of course - the earlier, the better for me!). They will be doing a scan of both the abdomen and pelvis, through IV injection and PO solution - yippee! At least I don't have to fast more than 4 hours and I can still drink clear liquids.

On another medical matter, I made that appointment with the MFM clinic for August 28th at 3:30 pm (first available - but I was warned by Dr. D's office that there would be a wait for a pre-conception consultation, which is fine since I have these other possible issues to deal with now). Although I have to wait for the appointment, the clinic is quick! I already received the paperwork to complete before the appointment! Amazing! And, they said they would call Dr. D's office for the records they need - no need for me to do anything else other than get the referral and complete the paperwork.

So, I have more worry...and some hope. I just want to get off this stupid medical rollercoaster already. It's been non-stop since January (okay, really November, but who's counting now???). I used to be HEALTHY. I eat right, take my vitamins and exercise (okay, exercise was recently added to the mix, but I am not a couch potato either)... What the heck happened? I never used to have to deal with ongoing tests and such. Can we fastforward to January? I just want this year to end already. I am really getting tired of the poking and prodding...unless it is for a healthy pregnancy, then it's worth it!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Here it is... The new Blog!

Hope everyone likes the new blog... I am very happy with it!

BTW: Because Netscape can be fickle, please view this blog in IE or Firefox. Netscape doesn't want to play nicey-nice.


Like they say on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Move the Bus!

Please be on the look-out for the reveal of the new appearance on my blog this week...

I am working with Ro from Caio! My Bella! Custom Blog & Web Designs on a new skin for my blog - none of the basic blog skins really fit what I wanted for My Many Blessings.

The new look is going to be just beautiful. Can't wait for all of you to see the big reveal. Now, move the bus!

Some resolutions of the PMS Beotch session from yesterday

To those wondering, yes I did get my Three Musketeer's bar last night - YEAH! And, I have a spare stashed in my lunch bag for a quick fix today. Thanks, Hubby!

My GP's office called last night - my u/s results are still MIA (they are probably in the office, just not reviewed yet). but my GP did look over the b/w from Dr. D. He does not feel this is something we need to address immediately for long-term issues since I am still rather young. So, he said just to contact Dr. D's office for setting up the consult with the high risk ob clinic and go forward with that when we are ready.

So, some resolutions...although minor.

Monday, July 10, 2006

PMS Beotch Session

Okay....AF is almost here for a visit this week, and she is making her appearance known quite well today. But, I can't complain since, really, because usually by July I only have had her visit about 1-2 times! So, I'll take her in for a while as long as it means she will leave the place in better shape than she found it at her arrival.

Anyways, I feel a PMS Bitch session coming on and, to save my Hubby from it since he had absorbed the brunt of the bitch sessions lately, I will start it here. Enjoy the ranting - this should be fun to read in a few months!

  1. I am sooooo pissed off with my doc's office - not my ob/gyn but my GP. It has been 4 FREAKIN weeks since Dr. D faxed over my MTHFR bloodwork to his office and I have not even had one freakin phone call returned about it. Hubby called and left a nastygram with his answering service last night because HE has had it too. Okay, I am not on my deathbed here, but 4 weeks???
  2. While we are speaking of doctors, I am sooooo tired of this GERD crap. Every day is an adventure - some days are okay, but then the next I am tasting in the morning what I ate last night for dinner. All I want to do is eat a whole order of Mozzarella sticks with gravy (or, marinara sauce) without being in agony... NOT to mention I want my "personal time" with Hubby back because, how can you DTD while you feel like your dinner is in your throat?
  3. And, to continue the medical crap - how about inheriting a treadmill that works! The weather has been so crappy, I haven't been able to go out and walk. So, my IL's give us their treadmill with the replacement part for the track - what they fail to tell us is that it is downright impossible to fix it without something to pry back the tension springs. Uh, neither of us have Superman's strength here! Now, I have a crappy piece of furniture collecting dust in the spare room...and I feel like I am gaining my 25 pounds back! Crap!
  4. I have had it with our friends J&E, well, for a variety of reasons. Mostly surrounding their son - our godson. M is only 3 years old, and they allow him to go into a 5 foot swimming pool with no floatation device of ANY KIND on last weekend! WTF? Hubby told me E was also going to set it up for M to intentionally screw up an evaluation so he couldn't attend a specific preschool program that the school district has. WTF? Are they insane?
  5. My father is a complete boob! I didn't realize that sprained ankles are inevitable.... I thought they were consequences of a FALL! Idiot! So, now my mom has him home for 2 weeks (one week home with the freakin ankle and another week with vacation) and she wants to toss him out on his ear. Personally, I think there may be something medically wrong with him - which my mom will find out today since she is tagging along to his doc's appointment at my insistence - but then again, he is just not a smart cookie.
  6. I hate other people being laid back about their jobs....especially when it pertains to mine! Now, I would LOVE to be at home with Chris, but while I have to endure working, how about you give me some respect and ANSWER EMAIL! Oy! The lady running the program out in Colorado for me took vacation last week - and never bothered to inform me of that. So, like a moron, I've been e-mailing her ALL WEEK, I am sooo not going out to Colorado on Sunday if this chick screws up.
  7. ...and, I WANT MY THREE MUSKETEERS BAR from my last AF visit! I know DH at it on me....and I WANT IT!

Thank goodness this week is my off-week for carpool driving! Haahaa! Those jaywalkers wouldn't like it when I am angry...

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I've been Tagged...

Okay... I will have some fun and play tag. :) After all, can't have my blog be a total downer, right?

7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:

1. Be a stay at home mom to my Chris and (hopefully) at least one more child
2. Actually HAVE that at least one more child someday soon
3. Finally decide where we want to live for the long-haul and MOVE there!
4. Go to Ireland, and the other countries that I have heritage (Ireland, England, Germany, France, Poland, Ukraine)
5. Do volunteer work
6. Be financially secure and leave no debts behind to my child(ren)
7. See at least my grandchildren be born

7 Things That I Can't Do:

1. Swim
2. Play an instrument (although I tried to play Flute in 4th grade)
3. Stop trying to control everything I can't logically control
4. Sing in public (although some have said I have a decent voice)
5. Get over the fact I can't stop others from doing stupid things to their children
6. Ovulate on my own
7. Drive a manual transmission car (nor do I want to!)

7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:

1. His sense of humor (how can you ignore someone who intros themself as "Ken, which is neck spelled backwards, drop the 'c' " ?)
2. His blue eyes
3. His guitar playing abilities
4. His concern for our relationship during hard times
5. His ability to admit his faults and try to work on them
6. His drive to start his own business
7. His pure adoration of our son

7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:

1. The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Lerox)
2. The Once and Future King (T. H. White)
3. Coming to Term : Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage (Jon Cohen)
4. Miscarriage after Infertility : A Woman's Guide to Coping (Margaret Comerford Freda, Carrie F. Semelsberger)
5. --
6. --
7. --

7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:

1. The Phantom of the Opera (1920's b/w version with Lon Chaney)
2. The Phantom of the Opera (last version released in 2005)
3. White Christmas (with Bing Crosby, Danny Kay and Rosemary Clooney)
4. The Princess Bride
5. Spaceballs
6. Logan's Run
7. Dirty Dancing (that was the first movie I saw with Hubby)

7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand): Since most of those I know in Blogger land have already been tagged, here is who I can tag!

1. Joy (El Mundo de Mamacita)
2. Lindy (Infertility 2.0)
3. --
4. --
5. --
6. --
7. --

Monday, July 03, 2006

Where have my musings gone??

I am sitting here on lunch thinking I haven't posted in a little while... Then I start to think, where have my musings gone? Anyone seen them?

Seems as I start to accept things for what they are, I lose some of my whit and ramblings...okay, maybe just temporarily! But, since Tuesday, I have been quite at peace with things (except for Hubby being a slob...but, that's just men) and am not sad, or lost. It is something quite unfamiliar right now...but it's nice.

So, for now, just posting a song that one of ladies in one of my BG's sent to me. There are parts to this song that ring quite true: like, when did my passion leave me? and I can't "fake" how I feel anymore.

Nicole Sponberg
I am at a loss for words
There's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and so cold
Where did that passion go?
When all my efforts seem like changing the wind
Ive used up all my strength and theres nothing left I can give
I've lost the feeling, and I'm numb to the core
Can't fake it anymore
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again
You speak and all creation falls to your knees
you raise your hand and calm the waves of the rageing seas
you have a way of turning winter into spring
make something beautiful out of all this suffering
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again

I will not fake how I feel anymore. I think that is what threw me for a spin in the first place with these losses. I had forgotten it is OKAY to feel sad, angry, hurt. And, when you forget that, you forget everything about yourself.

And, my passion I know left me last year when my first Clomid cycle failed to produce an ovulation - I EXPECTED things to work like they did when I got pregnant with Chris, and wasn't prepared for a failure. Now that I know where I list my spirit and passion, I can begin to rebuild it. The outer me is the start - wearing clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in years and color in my hair has really given me a peek into what I used to be before we started TTC in 2002. And, it is kinda nice to start getting back to that. The inner me still needs some work...but, I will get there in time.

Gee.... Guess I had a little more to write than I thought.

For those reading, please send a little prayer to the kind soul who sent me the song above. She has been so supportive of me through the past year, it is the least I can do to ask for some prayers to go her way. She is going through a rough time right now and could use some peace in her life too. If you can send a little positive throughts her way, I'd appreciate it.