Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Song for the moment: Let It Be

This song has been played repeated on my work radio for a week now...and in light of yesterday, it is quite fitting.

Let It Be
The Beatles
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

I made it through my EDD - and, I'm really okay.

Well, I survived my first known miscarriage EDD yesterday...and I am really okay. Here is what I did to pass the day (NOT going to work for one, which my bosses were very understanding of), starting with Monday evening...

Monday night, I came home with Chris from my mom's house with a plan to bake her a birthday cake for her 60th birthday on Tuesday (yes, the same day as my EDD). Upon a quick trip to the bathroom, found water all over the floor and started to freak out when Hubby came home about it. He inspected it closely (thank goodness he, after extensive training by his dad, is somewhat handy) and with a few phone calls, figured out the problem (a cracked supply valve). So, he shut the water supply off for the bathroom and we had dinner.

Once Chris was bathed (temporarily turning the water back on) and asleep, Hubby ran out to Home Depot to pick up a new valve and I started baking. Just as I had 5 more minutes on the baking time, Chris started to stir and Hubby was not I started a mini-panic as I ran up the stairs (didn't want to burn the cake nor have Chris wake up and not be able to get back to that cake). As I was getting Chris back to sleep, I could hear Hubby blundering his way through the front door (stealthy, he is not!). Luckily for me, Chris went right back to sleep and I was able to rescue my cake.

Hubby finished the repair around 11 pm, just as I was finishing the icing... Then I headed off to bed. Took a little while to finally settle in...guess I had a lot of worries of what my EDD day would be like...

Tuesday morning, I got up normal time and got dressed. I drove Chris to my mom's with the cake and spent a little bit of time there, saying happy birthday and saying by-by to Chris. Then I left around 7:45 am for home.

Hubby and I set out around 8 am for the cemetary...we decided to plant three small plants at Hubby's great-grandparents' grave. We did that because we are just not sure how long we will be at the house. Since I wanted them to stay where they were, and Hubby feels a very strong connection to his greatgrandparents, this was the best possible place. When we arrived, we cleaned up the gravesite a bit and then started digging...and realized that our garden trowels were just not going to cut it for the digging! So, Hubby made a quick trip to Home Depot (yet again) to pick up a shovel...and I stayed behind to try to keep digging a bit.

At first I was a little nervous about being in a cemetary myself with no car.... But then, as the skies began to clear a bit and a cool breeze started to blow (NOT what our weather was supposed to be yesterday at all), a certain calm began to wash over me and I forgot I was alone. I can't quite explain this calm, but it was as if I was MEANT to be there at that time...and I could feel my angels with me. I just sat there for a while, enjoying this calm I haven't had for a long time.

Finally, hubby came back and we finished up with our planting. As we looked around to make sure everything was in order, we noticed that the pics of Chris from his first Easter (in 2005) were still wired to the headstone. The pics have long since faded...but, now they look like the old-style photos that our grandparents and greatgrandparents have, and his Eaton-style sailor suit he wore that day fit perfectly. We decided to leave the photos where they were and will go back in a week to add his new Easter (2006) pics.

After we were done, we had a little snack together at Dunkin Donuts (oh, yum!) and then he had to head off to work.

Since I needed to drop off Chris' old carseat to my closest friend (Kris) for her daughter (Sam) to use (she is Chris' Godmommy), I decided to make the trip a mini-visit. We have not had a girls-only day in a very long time...and I have not seen Sam in a few weeks... I stayed with Kris and Sam for almost 2 hours, and had a chance to really play with Sam for a change. But then, that same calm I had at the cemetary came back to me as I played with Sam. Again, it was like I was meant to be there and enjoy a child who is very special to me. Sam's eyes had so much wisdom in them was as if my angels were living through her for a little while.

While I was with Kris and Sam, Kris mentioned that one of the firemen's wives (R) in town (I know this woman very well) is PG again....and it happened on BCPs again too. R has 2 other children (a daughter about 2 months older than Chris and a son who is exacly a year younger than her daughter, conceived on BCPs). R is not the most responsible mother you could meet (her children are already severely overweight...and it all has to do with their lifestyle, and they are not well disciplined). But, for some reason, the news was not upsetting to me at all. I thought I would be very upset that she is such a fertile-myrtle and I am stuck in this mess, but the news didn't bother me at all...

Maybe I am finally really accepting where my journey is taking me? Maybe I am really beginning to trust God's judgement on what he wants for me?

I left Kris' house around 1 pm and headed to my mom's to catch up. We had lunch when I arrived and since Chris had gone down for a nap about a half hour before I got back, we had a nice, long talk about so many things...which we haven't had a chance to do the past few weeks. Chris woke up around 3:30 pm and after a light snack (of birthday cake, of course), we noticed it was VERY sunny. So, we took Chris and Rusty (my mom's doggie, or 4th child since he is soooo spoiled) for a walk... Yet again, that calm and peace came back to me during that walk... The sun was so bright and warm, just for us.

I headed back home with Chris around 5 pm - I had to get dinner ready and prep for a work conference call that I couldn't not take. The conference call ended up being rather short, so I was able to return some phone calls...and FINALLY get my biopsy results (at 9 pm!) from my Upper GI scope last week (more 0n that later).

The rest of the evening was like any other evening really...until I was in bed and realized I never needed to cry or greive all day. I made it through the day with such is quite unexplainable, but welcomed.

I guess I am truly coming to terms with all that has happened over the past year...not that I am completely past this. I am sure I have way more to go. But, I feel at peace that my angels came and left for a very special reason and, although I don't yet know what that reason is, I am accepting of it.

It is such a nice change for me.... I haven't felt such peace since the first day I held Chris in my living room the day I brought him home from the hospital. That day, I had no other care in the world... And, I had no other care in the world yesterday other than to be with the people who mattered to me.

*** Just wanted to add a special thank you to all of you who read and/or post to my blog. You have all made getting through this time much easier, and there is no way I could every repay the kindness and care you have all shown to me over the past year. It is greatly appreciated...more than you will ever know... ***

Monday, June 26, 2006

A Child's Goodby

Below is the poem I have on my angel's memory box. It is so special to us, especially in light of my edd tomorrow...
A Child’s Goodbye
Hooray! A brother or sister for me.
A new baby to add to the family.
A brother to play ball, A sister and her doll.
We will be a happy family.
One day, Mom and Dad have tears,
I watch them with fear.
They give me a hug and kiss,
Our baby-to-be they miss.
My brother or sister one day
An angel now has flown away.
Our angel we love,
Was called by God up above.
With Mom and Dad, I too am sad,
This is something so bad.
Not an angel did we seek
But a person for us to meet.
One day when God calls me
My angel sibling I will see.
For now I know she is happy to be
A member of God’s Angel family!

By Colleen Berry

Saturday, June 24, 2006

My Angel Baby

My Angel Baby

To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.

You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Countdown to my EDD-not-to-be next week

....Five days until my EDD from my November miscarriage. And, I am so unsure of how I am going to be that day...I am scared of losing it completely. June 27th should be a happy day - My mom turns 60 years old. Yet, the day is going to be overshadowed by one of three losses I have had in less than two years.

Things are just so different than what they should be right now...
  • We are taking down Chris' crib within the next two weeks to make way for his twin bed...We should have been moving Chris' room and prepping the crib for our new baby...
  • I should be off on maternity leave, enjoying a break from work and a summer off with my babies...
  • I should be waiting for labor to start, not going through different medical tests for things that came up since the last miscarriage...
  • I should be happy to be bringing home a new addition to our family, not grieving for three babies we have lost.
I miss my babies... And, it hurts so much to know I will never hold them here in this world. I know they are with me always...I feel that connection when I touch or look at my bracelet every day. But, the one thing this bracelet will never replace is being able to touch them, to kiss them, to watch them grow.

I am trying so hard to put my faith back in trust that when the time is right, another miracle will come to us. But, in five days, I will have that reminder of how one of my miracles was taken from me. How can I not be angry at God for taking my babies away?

I have so many blessing in my life... Chris is funnier and smarter than ever, the Hubby has been very understanding of everything I am trying to get through, my bosses have been understanding of the time I need off, my family and friends who know have been so supportive. And, I have an answer for my babies being gone from me...and hope from Dr. D that another miracle will come to us. And, I live through that right now.

But, I miss my babies. What more can I say?

My Upper GI update

Had my Upper GI scope done yesterday... Wasn't all that bad, except for the minor stomach cramps from where the biopsies were taken (standard stuff for an Upper GI scope).

So far, I have inflamation in my esophogus and several areas of my stomach... Until the biopsies are back on Monday (which I have to call for), I am to stay on the Aciphex once a day and watch what I am eating. Depending on the test results on Monday, I may still have to go for a scan of the gallbladder to rule that out as a complication.

Yet again, I wait. Tummy has not been too bad today...but not going to talk to soon either!

Dr. R did promise me yesterday that he would make sure my file with Dr. D's bloodwork in it is placed on Dr. M's chair to review the MTHFR results... He understands I need to get that moving for TTC purposes, so he will leave it with a note to go through it.

Wait some more....

Thursday, June 15, 2006

A journey into how one becomes a control freak

During my counseling session on Wednesday evening, one of the issues Dr. P said he would really like us to work on is my need for control. Of course, I have several previous posts on this...and I KNOW this is a big issue for me. But, the theme he said that lingers through everything we have talked about thus far (and that I couldn't see until he said it) is that I am looking for an insurance policy to my life, and more specifically, one to ensure that the next pregnancy is a sticky one. Unfortunately for me, I can't say he's wrong...and I HATE being wrong!

So, since I am talking about my control issues (and subsequent lack-there-of over the past year or so), this got me to thinking How exactly did I end up BEING such a control freak?

Let us take a little trip back to my early childhood...Rather uneventful really: Never really did without things I wanted, certainly never went hungry, spent my entire summers at the Jersey shore with my grandparents at their vacation house, had nice parties and such. I was happy, and much loved. The only real sore-spot to my childhood was the constant fighting my parents did...week after week, always about the same things. I promised myself at that time that, when I was older, my marriage wouldn't involve such fighting...and I wouldn't allow my children to have to go through it. This, I suppose, could be the cornerstone to the control issues: refusing to end up like my mom. She is such a wonderful person, but allows everyone to walk all over her.

We made the "big move" when I was in the middle of 5th grade (one town over - Haha!) - my old school district was desegregating the school system, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, but it was forcing us to have to go across town to school when we had a local school we could walk to. So, when we moved, I started Catholic school...where, I quickly learned that my public school education was rather "inferior." The first question Sister Gilbert (she would remind you of Darth Vader in a white habit) asked me to do in English: Diagram a sentance. I said, "Dia-what?" Out of sheer embarassment of not knowing how to do that AT ALL, I learned very quickly and became on of the best in the class. So, here stands another brick to the control wall: refusing to be at the bottom of the totem pole in school.

When I was ready for high school, I chose to go to an all-girls Catholic high school. I was in the honors classes...and my grades were usually very good (not 4.0, but honor's list most of the time). But, I was one of those people who had the most organized lockers...and "color coded" notebooks...and pencil cases...and nearly decorated locker door... See the pattern forming? I was too neat and organized. What was I thinking? I was involved in so many things...and loved it. I think is where I started to really develop my "craft."

In college, I was always the "mamma hen" to our group...rarely drank, and was always the one to count on to walk a very intoxicated friend home safely. I was the one to organize the chores in the house we rented in our Junior and Senior year. Then, there are my notebooks for class...neatly organized, legible, way too organized. Everyone wanted to borrow my notebooks to copy from because the notes were complete.

It was in college that I really started taking different jobs or involving myself in different activities that always involved a leadership role: supervising others and correcting their mistakes. By the time I graduated college, I was working as a TA in the Psych Department and my hours went to 9-10 pm at night (sometimes on Friday's). I loved what I was doing...but I also liked the control I had on how things were handled, and how the professor I worked for relied on me.

In the two jobs I have had (specifically, my current one) since graduation, I started out in one position, but then was quickly moved into something else when I proved I had the chops. Yet again, I worked longer hours, corrected problems that came up...blah, blah, blah. I have certainly perfected my craft now.

Control over things in your life has a rush that parallels other things that can be addictive... You know how things will turn out because you saw it through every step of the way.

But, there are obviously things you cannot control, and I am trying to re-learn how to accept that. Here are two cases where I was able to do that and the end results were what they needed to be:

  • Hubby and I were high school sweethearts...met my freshman year and dated all through high school. When I left for college, we agreed to date other people - we didn't want to rush into marriage, especially me. In my senior year, Hubby started law school and was having a very hard time adjusting (which he failed to tell me when it was happening). So, between the physical distance, his issues with school and my deciding what my next step in life would be, we started to drift apart. When I came home, we were barely speaking. I decided that, if we were meant to be, we would...and I didn't push. After a few weeks, we got back into talking and began to work things out...and rediscover each other. And, well, the rest is history.

  • When Hubby and I decided that TTC on our own wasn't working, we contacted Dr. D about it. Since, at that time, I was so new to the medical interventions, I really didn't know what to expect - or what I could control. So, we went through the testing, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the insemination just trusting Dr. D and his knowledge. Lo and behold, I got PG in the first cycle with Chris...and I was able to enjoy that pregnancy in total ignorance of what was to come with TTC again.

  • The question is: How do I get myself back to that point of letting things go, and allow thing to be what they will be? And, how do I balance that while still being my own best advocate?

    The first step, which I am trying to do now, is just trust again in letting things come to me when they need to. I did that with the recurrent loss panel - I didn't stalk Dr. D for the results (even though we were pushing 4 weeks since the blood draw), and he called with the problem at the right time for me. We are starting to address it now, and I am doing my research, but I am not pushing like there is a deadline to meet.

    I know I can do this, it will just take some time.

    Tuesday, June 13, 2006

    Does anyone have a spare marshmallow?

    Now that my quarterly visits from AF are temporarily turning into monthly visits (thank you, blessed BCPs!), I just realized today that I am out of marshmallows!

    ...Marshmallows, in DH's family, mean maxi pads...

    I just gave myself a little chuckle this afternoon over this because, quite frankly, this is usually never an issue for me! When you only get your AF every 3-4 months, maxi pads usually get stockpiled under the vanity, and occasionally knocked over by DH. How odd for me to be worrying about maxi pads and Midol!

    ...Off to Walgreens I go!

    Monday, June 12, 2006

    I finally have an answer for these losses...

    Metylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase - or, MTHFR.

    Dr. D called me this morning - which I was not expecting at all - and told me everything was normal, except for a MTHFR mutation (for which I have 2 variant genes).

    As it stands right now, he is faxing my labs to my GP (Dr. McG) so he can order more bloodwork. Once that all comes in and Dr. D gets a copy, he is going to refer me out to a high risk OB/GYN group at St. Barnabas Medical Center and do a consult with them to see what protocol I will be under. He said we are probably looking at high doses of Folic Acid - anything else, he will consult on with the High Risk OB/GYN on.

    So, I have an answer...and one that I was not expecting to get.

    ** Updated September 29, 2006 to add: Here are my current Homocysteine levels, before starting Folgard 1x daily on August 30, 2006 - to be rechecked in November 2006):

    • from May 9, 2006 (in the Recurrent Loss Panel, which shows the beginning of elevated levels): 10.8
    • from August 15, 2006 (during office visit for stomach issues to my GP): 15.3
    • average range limits: 3.3-10.4

    I have so much research to do on this now, but from what I have found so far...

    From Ask Dr. Stephan Moll (

    MTHFR stands for Metylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase. Some individuals with the homozygous MTHFR mutation have elevated homocysteine levels. Elevated homocysteine levels are a risk factor for blood clots. The individual with the MTHFR mutation who have normal homocysteine levels are not at increased risk for clots. Thus, the MTHFR mutation by itself is not a clotting disorder.

    MTHFR is an enzyme, which we all have in the cells of our body. It is needed to metabolize and get rid of homocysteine. High homocysteine levels are a risk factor for blood clots in the veins (DVT, PE) or arteries (heart attack, stroke, arteriosclerosis). Some people have a variant of this enzyme, which is called "thermolabile MTHFR" or C677T/MTHFR. It is due to a single mutation of the MTHFR gene. This variant does not metabolize homocysteine as well as the normal MTHFR enzyme, and blood homocysteine levels in individuals with this variant enzyme may therefore be slightly higher than in individuals with the normal enzyme.

    The MTHFR mutation is extremely common:

    * 44 of the population have the normal enzyme
    * 44 % are heterozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 1 variant gene). These individuals have some normal enzyme and some of the thermolabile variant of the enzyme.
    * 12 % are homozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 2 variant genes). All of these individuals' enzyme is the thermolabile variant.

    Presence of the homozygous thermolabile MTHFR mutation is only one of various reasons why homocysteine levels can be elevated. Other reasons are vitamin B and folate deficiency and renal failure. Often we do not know why levels are elevated. Some studies reported that the homozygous thermolabile MTHFR mutation is associated with arterial clots. However, an overview of all studies concluded that this is not so. Studies on the association of the homozygous MTHFR mutation and venous blood clots (DVT, PE) have been inconsistent: some studies found a slight association, others none at all.

    A normal homocysteine level is often defined as one being less than 13.0 micromol/L. The higher the level, the higher the risk for clots. Levels can be lowered by taking a multiple vitamin with a high content of folic acid (for example 400 mcg = 0.4 mg), vitamin B6 (= pyridoxine; for example 25 mg) and B12 (= cobalamin; for example 1 mg). Often folate treatment alone (dose: 0.4-5 mg per day) lowers homocysteine levels sufficiently. Alternatively, one can take a prescription multiple vitamin daily: Approximately 2 months after starting vitamins a homocysteine level should be checked again to make sure it has decreased into the normal range.

    So much to read now... But, I have an answer... Finally.

    Friday, June 09, 2006

    Change is inevitable, Growth is optional.

    In my post Quotes with meaning, I posted about a small church in the area where I work that puts up inspirational sayings on their message board outside the church once a week.

    The new saying which has caught my eye is:

    Change is inevitable, Growth is optional.

    While I go through these experiences of loss and the counseling to address them, I am finding that I am, when I feel physically good that is (kinda hard to do when you have those GERD symptoms!), growing. I have had several people comment about how strong I have become over the passing months (which I am finally starting to believe now) and how my story has inspired them in overcoming, yet remembering, their losses. I think that was one of the underlying reasons of starting this blog - to let me see how far I have come, and to maybe help someone going through similar life events find some strength.

    Change is something a person can't always control...and I am beginning to truly understand and accept that concept now. But Growth is something you can open up to and allow to happen...not quite control, but at least welcome into your life.

    Maybe I am beginning to feel this way because I have managed to go to sleep on my own - no meds to assist - the past two nights, despite still feeling rather crappy with those GERD issues. Maybe sleep is being welcomed back into my life because I am slowly learning to give up the control and accept what life has given me, and grow from it.

    ...Who would've thought I, of all people, would become philosophical!

    So, I have made the choice to NOT stalk Dr. D's office for the recurrent loss panel results... I am going to give that pursuit up because, I know he is reviewing the labs and, when the time is right, the knowledge of what is in there will be given to us. That does not mean I will not ever call (I mean, if two weeks from now I don't get a call, I WILL have to stalk!), but I am going to allow life to happen for a change. I hope I can resolve to stick with that. ;)

    Tuesday, June 06, 2006

    Some closure is coming... And Lorazepam update

    To first update the gastro issues from my My love/hate relationship with Lorazepam post: My GP has taken me off Lorazepam completely and we will see if it clears up the stomach mess. However, he put me back on Rozerem, which stopped working after 2 weeks. Crap! Guess this will just have to be an experiment into if I can manage to finally fall asleep on my own. :)

    So, finally, some closure is coming. Spoke with Dr. D's office yesterday - Lee (the nurse there) said there is a stack of labs there with my name on it that looks like the size of a phonebook! Yipes! But, I guess that is what you get when you have 20 viles drawn. Anyways, she is going to make sure today that Dr. D has everything back he wanted me tested for and she will call to set up the consult to go over everything. Soon, we will either have some answers - or, be told we just had 3 flukes happen to us. Either way, I am ready to find out what my future holds with my body and TTC again...

    Why do these people get to have more children?

    One of my issues with these losses over the past 6+ months has been why some people are allowed to have children (or more children) when they do such completely idiotic, mindless, stupid things. As a perfect example of is something that happened to my MIL:

    We went to our Godson's 3rd birthday party on Saturday at a place called Imagine That! - a children's museum with a whole slew of exhibits for children to play with (unfortunately, it does not look as nice as it sounds....the exhibits are very old and worn out now, and no one has made the effort to update/clean things up). But, I digress... Dh and I decided to take Chris home before the end of the party (we left at 12:30 pm - the party ended shortly after that) because he missed his nap for the party and he was BEAT! My MIL and FIL decided to stay past when we did... Here is where the story begins...

    By 12:45 pm, we have having the heaviest rain we have had in at least 6 months... My IL's decide to leave since the party was breaking up anyway. My FIL headed out to get the car while my MIL waited in the lobby for him to swing the car around. As she was waiting, a woman pulled up in her brandy-new Volvo station wagon and helped her DS out of the car... My MIL opened the front door for her, thinking she was coming in with the boy. The woman brought her DS in and said to him, "Now, Adam, stay here and wait for Mommy to come back." She then looked at my MIL and said "Do you mind watching him a sec?" and off she went back to the car.

    At this point, the little boy proceeded to inform my MIL that he was 3 years old, he lived in a really nice neighborhood, blah, blah, blah... He sounded like he is 7 years old!

    My MIL spotted the woman coming back to the door, so she yet again held the door for this woman because she was carrying a baby carrier. The woman set the baby carrier down next to Adam and said "Now, Adam, watch your baby sister and wait for Mommy." She yet again asked my MIL to watch the both of them and headed out the door without waiting for an answer.

    The little boy proceeded to tell my MIL that his little sister's name was Lydia and she was 3 months old...

    As my MIL stood there in shock, she watched the woman pull off and park the car at the far end of the lot. After she parked, she pulled out all of her stuff and trekked back to the door. She briskly said, "Thanks" to my MIL and went into the museum with the kids.

    Uh, WTF??? That security guy that Oprah has on every once in a while would have had a FIELD DAY with this one! My MIL could have been off and running with those 2 children by the time she came back after parking the car. Sure, my MIL looks like a nice lady and very trusting, but there are a LOT of people who look trusting and end up being far from it.

    My two questions for this woman are: 1) if you were attending a party (which was clear she was), why couldn't she have had someone meet her at the door to help her? and 2) if there was no one she knew attending the party, why didn't she either wait for the rain to let up (which it did 10 minutes later) OR call the facility and ask if one of the staff people could help her? She let a complete stranger watch her DC, and she walked off without a care in the world. Maybe it's just me and my "mental state" right now...but am I the only one who sees that as completely wrong to do?

    ...And, may I add, I got looked at very strangely by one of the parents from another party at this place for actually correcting Christopher for doing something he should not have done... I swear, I am parenting in the wrong decade!

    I was so disgusted after hearing this... Kids can be snatched off in a split second - I must be Hitler in the store when we go out! I really can't understand how someone could do that...

    Friday, June 02, 2006

    My love/hate relationship with Lorazepam

    Since I am completely frustrated with my GP's office and their freakin' voicemail system.... ARGH! (see post on Now, what the hell is wrong with me?) ...I did some Google research on what I think my newest stomach issue is... Sounds like GERD to me, but here's the kink:

    According to the National Heartburn Alliance web site, there are certain medications that are most likely to contribute to heartburn:

    Medications used to treat anxiety, insomnia, depression, and pain - Some medications that act on the nervous system may contribute to heartburn. Antianxiety medications and agents used to treat insomnia, such as diazepam (Valium) or lorazepam (Ativan), antidepressants, including the tricyclic antidepressants such as amitriptyline (Elavil), and narcotics such as morphine and merpidine used to treat pain, may all cause or worsen heartburn by lowering the LES making it easier for stomach juices to reflux into the esophagus. One recent study reported a link between heartburn during sleep and benzodiazepines (e.g., diazepam, lorazepam) when used for sleep.

    Here's the link:

    CRAP! The Lorazepam is sooooo working for my insomnia. But, is it causing these new stomach issues? Now what do I do? This all started about 3 weeks after I started taking it! Crap, crap, crap! Of course...trying to get through to the doc's office on Friday is impossible - damned voicemail!

    Another one of my blessings: My bosses

    It's been a while since I made an entry about one of my blessings... Guess I have been a little preoccupied with other things and forgot what part of this blog was supposed to be about.

    Anyways, here is goes...

    My bosses, whom I have known now for 10 years (I worked here as a temp from 6/96-10/96, then left for the insurance biz and came back in 8/98) and they have seen me grow from a college grad to a wife to a mother and to a mother of many angels, are some of the best people a person could hope to work for. Sure, we have our moments where we get aggrivated with each other or just plained's like a "marriage" of sorts. But, in the end, they care about what is going on and are willing to give the time off (some not even docks from sick or vacation time) for personal needs.

    I had a long talk this morning with my Center Admin about how things were going and the next round of doctors' appointments coming up. I told her about the counseling sessions, the meds I am on, and my current ailments...and she said that she was glad to see I was taking the time to do all of this and deal with hurts of the past 6 months. They were starting to worry about me because I just haven't been myself in a long time and I really need to take the time to heal. She also said that is must have not been easy to deal with everything while we have been so pressured with things to do here at, she understands my need for time. All of the time off is cleared... My bosses confide in me about things too (like, when my Director's son was diagnosed with testicular cancer in high school) - so, it is a nice trade-off.

    Every time I start to complain about the long commute and the heavy workload, I always think back to my old job - we only had 3 sick days and 5 vacation days in a year. They would never have been this understanding of the need to time...and I probably would have been let go in the end. I have been very blessed to work for very understanding people - they are family oriented, and I think it hurts them to see the struggles we are going through right now.

    If I have to work when my Chris is young, guess this is the best place to do it!

    ....Now, on to doing my work...

    Thursday, June 01, 2006

    Now, what the hell is wrong with me?

    Finally, my horror-mones and moods seem to be in check, I have really stuck with my eating habits and exercise routine, and I am in counseling...

    NOW I am having some crazy gastro issues.

    Sheesh! This is insane. Since about May 20th, every time I eat something, I get so bloated (I don't look bloated, but I feel like a whale and it's right across by bra-line - how fun!), feel like my food is in my throat shortly after I eat (which is forcing me to sleep on the couch for some sort of comfort at night - poor Hubby! Just when he thought I was back...), strong heartburn - I have NEVER had this before! The only thing different since this started was taking the Lorazepam...which is making me wonder if the Lorazepam is doing something not-so-good while it does help me sleep so well... Waiting patiently for my GP's office to call since I am just so darned uncomfortable - and I am getting moody from that now.

    ...And, still no word on the recurrent loss testing... I was hoping not to have to nag the office, but I suppose I will have to now...

    Through all of this, though, I am still not too "down." I kinda like the change - I am a bit moody again, but not flying off the handle... Nice change!