Thursday, November 10, 2011

In a bit of a quandary....

So, I know, I know.... It's been a long time since I posted here. But, people are still reading and leaving comments of thanks to my posts.

....Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I am in a bit of a quandary right now. So, I am turning to the blogging world for a little bit of advice.

For the past 2 years, my whole self has been off - it's been very hard to explain, but most of it centers around my periods. I am okay....up until ovulation (since, I am in fact, ovulating!). Once that hits, I am a totally different person: moody, combative, overwhelmed by noise (including from my boys), unable to concentrate, forgetful, disinterested, eating everything in sight....the list goes on. The 3 weeks or so before ovulation is fine - I exercise, eat right, lose weight. Then, ovulation hits and I am out of commission for 3 weeks.

....This is getting really O-L-D....

I spoke to Dr. D at my annual last year - I opted to go up to 15 mgs. Lexapro. That worked for about 2 months...then it's been downhill from there.

I went for my annual yesterday with Dr. D (in his new posh office closer to my work - farther from my home) and I told him what has been building up for 2 years now. He said, guess what:

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

Great...just great. Another disorder to add to my growing list!


He said there are a few options, of which some I have already tried and did not work, like the Lexapro increase (and I WILL NOT allow myself to go to 20 mgs. and have it not work after 2 months again!). There is one option which he said would most likely work:

....a minipill.

**Thud** **Thud** **Thud**

What am I supposed to do here? I have the MTHFR gene mutations....which can lead to clotting, right? And, what are one of the risks of the pill? You guessed it....clotting.

What the hell do I do now?

I need to get my life back here. I am losing time with my family...the family I fought for. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk my life over possible medical complications (and, yes, we have a will in place).

...I know I need to talk more with Dr. D....which I will do next week. He explained that this would be a non-estrogen pill, so it a much lower risk for clotting. That makes me feel a little better. I go for my annual physical next week, so I will have time to talk with Dr. M about this too.

I am just so unsure what to do right now. None of the conventional treatments have worked thus far, not even knowing this is what I am dealing with. I could use some input from anyone else who is dealing with the MTHFR issues right now....


Monday, November 22, 2010

Five years ago today.... world was breaking apart.

I was going through my second miscarriage today - well, at the time, I thought my first. I can't believe five years has already passed. It still feels, in many ways, like it was yesterday. And, here I sit, no one on my real life remembering, what this day means to me.

And, today, the day has been just as hectic and void of sanity as it was five years ago. But, that is another story I will save for much later.

Although I am so very grateful for what I have today, my heart still breaks for what never could be. I love my angels with all of my heart and soul, and still mourn all of the "what if's" that will never be fulfilled and realized. I wonder what my angel would be doing now...what Chris and my angel would be like together.

But, for what little time you were in my life, I know I could not be here as I am today without your short time. I needed you as you were...not what you should have been or could have been. You changed my life for the better, and for that, I am grateful. Someday, Chris and Gabriel will find out about you...and know more. For now, I will light my candle tonight for you and hold you in my heart for a while...

I love you, little one...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Coming back...soon...

Dear blog - I have neglected you for quite some time. For that, I feel terrible.

But, I needed time to decide what to do with you. I am still not sure where I am going per se with this... However, one thing I want to be clear on is that, although life has not been easy, I will not:

  • whine
  • complain
  • insult
  • take for granted anything

about my life on this blog. I can't - that would be insulting to anyone who finds this blog.

More coming soon....

October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day again

For all of us who have lost our precious angels...

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

May we find a little bit of peace today while we remembers our angels.

I will be lighting my candle tonight for:

Angel #1: Lost 9/19/04
Angel #2: Lost 11/22/05
Angel #3: Lost 3/21/06

I am always thinking of you...through the joys and the difficulties of every day...

Monday, October 05, 2009

The scariest day

It has been some time since I posted anything here - not sure why, except I am rather addicted to Facebook at the moment. ;)

Anywho, I think I have had, by far, the scariest day of my life last week - and one I would not want to repeat if I can help it.

People say, as you are TTC and/or are expecting, that you will never understand how strongly you will feel when your child is ill or injured. How your mind will just turn everything off except to focus on what is happening to your child and what it will take to make sure he/she is well.

Gabriel was hospitalized last week for a few days for a severe asthma attack.

Hubby and I were up all night with him Monday night because he was flippy while trying to sleep - barely sleeping, really, the entire night. We had given him a nebulizer treatment earlier in the evening because we knew he was having issues with his breathing - this has happened several times before already (last week was the fourth and most severe episode to date) and we knew what to do when he was starting to have issues. But, even with that treatment, he was still having some issues.

Tuesday morning came and his breathing was still rough - not too bad, but not what we had hoped to hear from the night before. Not knowing what I should do, I gave my MIL all of the meds he would need so she could do a nebulizer treatment that morning and told her to call me if he was getting worse or not getting better at all - I would call his pediatrician. She called me several times and each time, he seemed to be getting worse - even with the treatments. So, I called his pediatrician and got an appointment for right before lunch.

At 10:45 am, I flew out my office so I could pick him up and get him to the doctor's office. I am not sure how fast I was driving - but, making it from my office to my MIL's house to the pediatrician's office should NOT have taken me an hour. I shaved about a half hour off that time.

As we approached his office, I started to feel like I should have gone straight to the ER with Gabriel - but, not having ever really dealt with a child with asthma before, I also didn't want to be labeled the "overreactive parent." We parked the car and got Gabriel in to the building - and the office staff had us come right in, past all of the others waiting in the office. Once there, the doctor took a listen to him and immediately asked for meds to put in the nebulizer for him. He noted to me that, with a reaction this bad, we should have gone directly to the ER.

So, remind me to NEVER second guess that instinct.

After the treatment in his office, Gabriel seemed a little better - wheezing still, but not having very visible issues of struggling. He had us go home and immediately do another treatment - and, if by 3 pm, the wheezing was not gone or greatly lessened, he wanted us to go straight to the ER.

We got him, did the nebulizer, and waited. Called Hubby to come home. Waited.

3 pm came - and the wheezing was not any better - and you could see he was breathing fast and he was trying to breathe in so hard, you could see his skin tugging and pulling around his collar bone and ribs. I called the doctor and off we went to the ER.

With the Hubby in the car next to Gabriel, I was not as aggressive driving to the ER - it also helped to know that the doctor was calling ahead to the ER so they knew what was coming.

Once we got to the ER, nurses and residents and doctors were checking him and rechecking him, got the nebulizer going, had chest x-rays ordered, and IV started. After a few hours, we were told he would be admitted, and finally we were up in a room in Pediatrics around 9:30 pm.

Gabriel stayed in Peds for 2 days (meaning I didn't shower for 2 days either...ewwww!) - nebulizer treatments every 2 hours for the first 24 hours and finally that time began to stretch as h the wheezing became less and the tugging for breathe slowed. He was finally cleared to go home on Thursday afternoon when there was more risk of him picking up another virus at the hospital.

He is officially diagnosed with asthma now - and we have our Asthma Action Plan, so we know what to try before we have to head to the ER again. The Asthma Action Plan accompanies his Allergy Action Plan since we found out in late August he has food allergies too: Egg (which was causing his constant eczema), Tree Nuts, and Peanuts (a Level 4 food allergy requiring an EpiPen), as well as some of other environmental allergies.

We are hoping we can get our house sold before the winter really hits so we can find somewhere newer and easier to clean for him - our house is so old that no matter how much we clean, it is never going to be good enough for him.

Anyone who has experience with asthma in children and food allergies, comments and advice are welcome! We don't want Gabriel - or us - to go through this again.

....Especially on the topic of how do you get your MIL to NOT smoke in her own house so Gabriel can be there? We were told he should be in no environment where there has been smoke - and he is over at my MIL's house 2-3 times a week, at least! How do you tell someone they can't smoke in their own home???

Friday, January 23, 2009

Another year older...but another year wiser??

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.


Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Uh, I need some information

Apparently, Dr. D's office called on 11/19 (for which I didn't get the message until this past weekend when I cleaned out the old messages - Hubby never deletes old messages off the machine!) regarding my PAP test from my mid-October.

The PAP was normal, thank goodness.

However, the nurse mentioned I tested positive for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV).

Uh, how???

I mean, I know how HPV is transmitted. But, does anyone know how long this could lie dormant and undetected? It has never come up in a PAP before - and, well, the only other person I had "been with" was back in 1995 (and protection was used).

...And, Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage in October, KWIM??...

How is this possible NOW??

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Missing you, my second Angel Baby

Unfortunately, I am a day late on posting this, my baby Angel. I am sorry for that...but time for me is becoming less and less available these days.

However, what DID happen yesterday, in your honor, of sorts, was to have my new template uploaded for my blog.

My new template - thanks, Courtney! - includes my two angels I hold every day here, my three in heaven that I hope to hold someday..., and my Hubby in a setting that is the most peaceful to us. The beach.

I have a little moving around in the lists to do yet...but, overall, it is just perfect.

I miss you and miss all of my angels. But, I do carry you every day with me, as well as Christopher and Gabriel, on my charm bracelet. Whenever I hear that twinkle as the charms hit each other with the move of my hand...I remember.