Saturday, July 21, 2007

My passion feeds me

You know that "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar I have?? The one I have posted quotes from this past year?

Well, I got this one this morning....
"My passion feeds me.
* Don't ever get too busy for your passion"
And, you know what?

...I have become too busy for my passion.

Actually, I am not sure WHAT my passion is anymore!

How sad is that? But, when you worry about so many things that are beyond your control - and you learn how to shut it off - you realize that the worry, the sadness, the anxiety has robbed you of so many things.

I do have some passions in my life, like my Chris, my husband, my family and friends, my garden, reading, writing, baking, constant music of all genres, sharing my story of IF and Recurrent Loss. But, time has been short lately for most of I mentioned in yesterday's post (Warped perceptions). I don't seem to have that drive to want to really pursue some of them, like reading and writing.


Something has come into my soul that needs an outlet...

Something that has never been realized...

Something I tried when I was about nine years old and quit because it just wasn't me at the time... (besides, what do you really know anyway at nine years old??)

I've decided that, once these programs are over on August 4th (14 days away!!) and time is a little less fleeting, I am actually going to try my hand (**literally**) on playing an instrument.


Where'd that come from??

Well, I love - just LOVE - music. Almost all kinds (well, except for the hard-core, gangster rap - although I love the old-school rap of Run DMC)...especially prog rock (shocking, if you look at my current side-bar). Always have - there is not a moment in the car when something isn't playing on the radio or CD changer. My rides to school on the cheese bus were always with headphones on. My CD collection is very eclectic - from Broadway show tunes, to prog rock, to classic rock like the Beatles, the Who, to classical music, to dance/techno, etc., etc. People would think I am on some sort of trip if they really looked at what I have in my collection. But, I have this need to feel what the music is...the meaning of the songs I am listening to (which is really my main love for prog rock - there is always a hidden meaning somewhere). Sometimes I leave a CD behind (like Queensryche's Mindcrime II) because it just isn't clicking for me and go back to it months or years later until I "get it."

But, after seeing Rush in concert a couple of weeks ago, something changed in me... I am a huge, and I mean HUGE, Queensryche fan - have been for more years than I can count now. I can sing almost every lyric to every song (not that my voice is great, but to me when I am singing, it is. HeeHee!). I have seen them in concert about at least five times, have met the band at Meet & Greets about three times. They put on a GREAT show. Their music calls to me - radiates around things that have happened in my life and I can identify with.


I can honestly say I have never walked away from a Queensryche concert truly emotionally moved... Inspired by the energy they give off to the crowd and the crowd fed back to them. Amazed that they are playing older songs like they are playing them for the first time. Truly grooving to the music they created as they play show after show after show...

That changed after leaving the Rush show...with me almost wanting to beg at their feet to play more.

Like, I would have EVER touched backstage at that show! Talk about pipe dreams!

Leaving that concert, I came to the realization that, although I love to listen to music, I need to feel the music too. Rockin' out to the music with my car windows open just isn't enough anymore.

Does that make sense?

So, after some thinking and pondering and grooving in the car, I've decided I want to try my hand at this:

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Geddy Lee's Fender Jazz Bass Artist Series guitar that Hubby is buying for me tomorrow (used with a discount of course from the assistant store manager over at a local instrument shop that is owed to him - cool lookin' no?) along with this:

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which is already sitting in my living room (my amp is a little different from this, but you get the idea).

Now, Hubby already being the guitar player that he is (uh, 30 years worth at this point!), HAS a purple bass guitar in the house - I have noodled with it already (with Chris, who LOVES it!). But, Hubby is so amazed that I have this passion to try my hand at an instrument (my dabble in playing anything was in the 4th grade when I tried flute - after 3 months, it was a passion for it nor a desire to evey practice it!) that he felt I needed something superb to play to keep me going (and, well, if I hate it, HE has a great bass guitar!). Plus, he feels that since I am math inclined anyway, bass is perfect for me since it is really a "mathematician's instrument" to play.

So, we will see where this goes over the next few months. We are going to try to set aside 45 minutes one night a week to really give me lessons (any music reading is LOOOONG gone from my brain, and we are going to try to get it back), and see how much I have a desire to play on my own...


Am I sure I really want to do this?!?!

I am excited...and maybe this will give me the chance to relax and forget a bit and let other things happen when they should...

Friday, July 20, 2007

Warped perceptions

Busy, busy, busy... Feels like life is revolving around me and I can't ever catch up anymore.

...So may blogs I haven't been able to read lately. ...My BG's ignored or if I am lucky, minuscule posts left. ...So many journeys I have had to leave by the wayside. ...My "real life" friends and family putting off plans until I can get through the next few weeks and reappear with my July from hell at work over and done.

How did I do this nine years ago when the programs were six weeks long, not two?

How did I have the patience for the stupid questions these participants have, like "Oh, the hotel van is five minutes late, what do I do?"

...and these people teach our kids in school... SCARY!

Remember when I said I had a good feeling about TTC in June/July (see How much do your trust your instincts?)?

That's in the trash now. I feel no hope or optimism at all.


No ovulation this month...after using two boxes of daily ovulation tests. Delays with Dr. D's office setting us back, which helped "produce" the lack of ovulation this month (well, at least it produced something!)... And even if this cycle had progressed right, or I had ovulated on my own, I doubt anything would have worked since I am just dragging myself in from work right now anyway.

...In no mood to DTD.

...More delays...

I've been thinking lately about some of the things that people have either posted to me on my blog, or e-mailed me, or posted on other blogs... The things that make me "look" as if I have it all together... That I am more confident in who I am. Like:
"I love that your blog about something as painful as infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is entitled "My Many Blessings". It is just that grace and humility that astounds me on a daily basis about the infertility blogosphere, " from Karen at My Perky Ovaries
"You are in such a good place with all of this, Tina. I'm envious. You've worked very hard at it and you deserve the reap the rewards," from Adrienne at Max's Mommy
From Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:
Redefining Me (referring to an older post): I had a really hard time choosing, but this post spoke to me just a little bit more than the others that I was considering. Tina has come so far in the past year, and this post really shows that. The perspective and peace she has attained with regards to her recurrent losses is inspiring. This post is a reflection on moving forward and loving the now, but still holding the past and the lessons learned in a special place.
from the Friday Blog Roundup Extravaganza
"My Many Blessings was the first blog I came across that wrote about miscarriage. In addition to stories about her son, she shares stories about her three lost babies. It was comforting to read about positive things in her life despite such heartache shortly after my own loss. It appears that she has many readers, but she takes the time to respond to comments despite her hectic life. I really appreciate the help she has given to me during my grieving process"
from Secret Ode Day #2
I wanted to thank all of you - the ones I know and the ones who remain nameless - for the kind comments you have left for me (there are more that I keep stashed in my e-mail...that I don't ever want to throw away). The BIGGEST thing your comments have given me is the sense that my journey has at least helped someone get through their own heartbreak. I suppose that is one of the things we all hope for when we open our lives up for everyone to read. It is heartwarming to know that my life can touch another's - and I don't even need to meet them face-to-face.

But, sometimes, when I read these comments, I wish I knew who you were talking about. These comments don't sound like me to me...especially right now. Make sense?

I guess I am just tired and overworked... I can't say I am in a BAD mood - at least I am not off my rocker like I was pre-Lexapro (even with being off of it for a month now). But, I am frustrated... I want to be back to TTC again and I want my workload to lighten to allow for that.

I just need to get through to August 4th...then I can kick everyone out and go back to "normal."

I wish I knew what to do about TTC now... I have to talk to Hubby over the weekend (err, really Sunday since I have to work all day tomorrow) about it. Do I take Provera now (my secret stash from last fall) and urge the Red Storm to arrive early and start Clomid possibly during the next program? Do I be patient a wee bit, then take Provera, lather, rinse, repeat? Do I wait to see if my period shows all on my own...and risk starting this cycle and monitoring while in vacation over the week of Labor Day???

I gotta think...with half a brain...

Thanks, Rush, for this:

Far Cry
by Rush

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen
Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune
Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over me
I can get back on
I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising, lays silver at your feet

You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing
One day I fly through a crack in the sky
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on

I do feel that "one day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Unsure of what I am feeling these days

I've been MIA for a while... Work has been kicking my ass, with preparing for two back-to-back summer programs (7/17-7/24 and 7/29-8/4), seven reports to submit to our funding sources, and a dumb as can be space survey for our department which will garner us no extra cash. All of this has to be done before July 31st - and I am drowning in the work.

Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?

Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!

Anyways, first and foremost...

Speaking of the Hubby...

...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!

WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!

Waaaaay cool!

He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...

...I should be quitting working full time!!!


So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.

The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.

The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...

...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.

I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.

...So, we are waiting until we hear something.

Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.

...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.

I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:

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...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.

I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...

I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!

On the medical front:

I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.

Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??

I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?

I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.

...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.

Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.

Talk about being a baby about this.

But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.

...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).

It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.

...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:
"No pressure to get prego the 2nd time around, but when you want it so badly, it takes that much longer. It'll happen when you least expect or try for it. Easier said than done, I know! I know a few people with fertility problems, they haven't gotten pregnant once. It's a blessing that you know you can get pregnant. That's half the battle."
We were bantering back and forth (politely and from what I thought was professionally) about our kids...and she asked when we were going to TTC #2. I gave her this response (since she was overstepping her bounds after only corresponding for a few weeks and prying):
"Things have not turned out quite like we planned and had hoped a second would have already happened."
and had hoped she would have left it at that. Even with infertile friends, I guess she doesn't get when to end the conversation. But, since I am out about my IF anyway, I might as well set the record straight with this:
"Actually, it took us 18 months to try to conceive our son and it only happened with my ob's intervention with meds and an IUI procedure. And, the big issues now are recurrent miscarriages along with the fertility issues. So, I can certainly understand where your friends are coming from, although I am very, very lucky to finally have my son. So, we will see what the future holds."
We'll see of this slows her down a bit.

So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...

...I'll be back to report...

...If I manage to get a straight answer.

*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!

Here are the scenarios we are to follow:
  1. If this cycle is a BFN, we are going to start with Clomid/IUI in the next cycle!! WooHoo!!
  2. If I don't ovulate within the next week or so, or basically don't get a new cycle going within a month and I am not PG, we will induce a period (...which I still have a Provera bottle untouched in my medicine cabinet for!!!) and start the cycle then.
  3. If I do ovulate this cycle, we will try one more cycle on our own and see if I ovulate. If I do and I still get a BFN, then we are on to Clomid/IUI after that. He is not making us wait 6 months to try on our own. ...Then again, I don't have to be too truthful with this and I can just call and tell him I got a new cycle without an ovulation...
So, we finally have some movement! I am relieved now...and some of the stress is off for a while...

Monday, July 09, 2007

While some of us wise up...

Adrienne over at Max's Mommy is back with a beautiful post on Battered Body Syndrome. (Welcome back, Adrienne! We've missed you.)

Funny, I read Adrienne's post after only 4 hours sleep last night. Why you ask???

...Luckily, it was for a good reason...

I went to see
Rush last night in concert, celebrating their Snakes and Arrows release!

What a great show! It was my Mother's Day present from the Hubby - and well worth the $$$ he spent on it. One of the best that I have been to in a long time...probably since Queensryche and Iron Maiden toured in 1999 (oh, can you tell what music I LIKED in high school!). Finally got to let loose a bit and sing, dance and enjoy myself for a while! It amazes me that they actually sound better on stage than on their CD's - and they are pushing sixty years old!

...Of course, now I am singing Rush tunes all day now...and playing CD's on my PC...and trying to figure out which CD's I don't own...

I'm in lala land right now...and loving it.

Will be back to post what's happening later on this week - when I am not falling down asleep!