Advice needed for a friend

Hubby has a very close friend M from grammar school whose wife, J, is going through a struggle with secondary IF. Technically, she would have been dealing with infertility earlier since it took her about 12 months to finally conceive their 3 year old DD - but, as she was prepping to meet her doctor about it, she finally ended up PG after about half her cycles being annovulatory.

J just turned 37 years old. She is not always ovulating, has tried a few rounds of clomid in which she is ovulating but not getting PG, just tried one round of Clomid/trigger/IUI (the IUI and meds out of pocket) which just resulted in a BFN.

When I talked to her last night, she was obviously upset that they have been trying for over a year now...and she didn't start the testing earlier (her HSG was all clear; b/w all normal). But, there were some very strange issues surrounding her sister that she had to deal with...and put TTC in full force off the plate.

Anyways, she is running out of options because both her insurance and her husband's insurance don't cover IF well - hers has no prescription plan (so all meds she has take up to this point have been paid for out of pocket) and does not cover IUI (it did cover the testing...as long as she was NOT given the title Infertile); his covers most things, but with at least a 20% co-pay; if she tried to get on his insurance with hers (co-insure), then she has to pay parts of two insurance premiums for an entire year.

So, in other words, any way she tries, she has to spend a lot of money and they can't afford that right now. They are on a tight budget after M having lost his job twice in two years (he works as a manager in retail - which is not always stable). There were some financial burdens with the issues with her sister. And, they have some major debts to still pay from M prior to them being married. So, there is not much available to pay for IF procedures and medications.

I suggested a whole slew of things to her (Femara since Clomid is causing CM issues, hence the need for the IUI), checking for other issues that could be causing annovulation (like thyroid disease and PCOS), using things like Green Tea or PreSeed for CM issues. But, she could use some advice on how to get an IUI cycle covered without too much out of pocket cost since they are on such a tight budget.

Any advice from ladies who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I can't really help her with the financial aspects of this because all I have ever had to pay were office visit co-pays for any visit or procedure done - I have a thorough prescription plan, excellent coverage and very minimal out-of-pocket expenses (i.e., all I have had to pay for were OPKs, HPTs, etc.). Just one reason I remain a slave to the State here...

Thanks a million for the help!

Prayer request for a friend's son

My friend, C's, son is having surgery tomorrow on the artery on his trachea.

James has been in and out of the hospital since birth - for so many things, including serious, recurring sinus infections. He is such a fighter. And a great little boy (although, because of C living in Florida, we have never met him).

I ask that all of you say a little prayer for him for his surgery tomorrow... He could really use it...as could his family.

Thanks. :)

Some more self-realizations

I have been thinking so much the past few days of this New Year - self-realizations that I have not been able to see at all over the past year or so. I am just glad I am seeing them now instead of 30+ years from now like MIL, as she is beginning to see for herself as she watches (and talks to) me going through this.

These thoughts started on Friday when I realized how many things I actually don't remember after my last miscarriage. I was working on some manuscript files my Director is editor-in-chief for...files that, up until this past week, he has not had time to review since, well, April 2006. He had some questions on a few of the files, like were the referees thanked for their reports and if the authors received copies of the reports from the referees - and, quite frankly, if the print-outs of the correspondance were not in the files (which some of them were not), I really couldn't say if they were or weren't sent.

This is the first time in my life that I cannot recall what I did at work. I document EVERYTHING to have back-up, but this time I had not. I never delete an e-mail or a document at work because I know someday I will need it. I have e-mails and documents on my PC going back to when I started working there (again) in August 1998! Yet, I could not remember a thing from March or April.

March and April were bad... Unlike the long Thanksgiving weekend I had to "recover" from the d&e in November 2005, I went right back to work two days after the d&c in March 2006. Not having that time to start to address what happened with the miscarriage- a loss that I had no idea was coming since I had all of the morning sickness signs I had with Chris - and having a full load on my plate at work was a very bad combination... A combination that cost me almost a year of my life.

It has been so nice to play with Chris with my full head and heart present again... For the past few months, I have felt like my time with him has been like watching him through a clouded window: I was there only watching him play while everyone else interacted with him and had fun. I was not able to be interactive. I was not present. I was not part of the fun - nor a part of his memories.

And there is no way to get that time back now... Time with him that is already short.

I hate the fact that miscarraige is not always viewed by the outside world as a real loss. women are expected to be over it so quickly - like that baby growing inside of you was never really a part of your heart and soul. When one of the ladies from one of my BG's went through the stillbirth of her daughter last fall (which I know she is still dealing with now), she was at least able to have a funeral, a proper burial for her child lost. She was not expected back at work for a while and had that time to mourn. She is still mourning - but she did not have to face the outside world until she was a little more ready to.

I was not allowed to have that time.

If it had not been for the long Thanksgiving weekend following my d&e in 11/05, I probably would have been back two days later at work too.

But, two days is just not enough to begin to grieve those losses...hence why I am still here, learning how to let go and move forward with my life.

That is not to say my bosses wouldn't have allowed me the extra time - I think if I truly knew I needed the time, they would have allowed it. But, I was trying to run from the losses too - burrying myself in my work to escape. So, I am partly to blame. I didn't think I needed the time - I was turning into a "pro" at miscarriage now since this was my third.

I wish things could have been handled differently...so I wouldn't have lost so much time. I wish I had realized what I was doing to myself - and what others were in turn not doing for me to realize it myself - so I wouldn't be sitting here in January 2007 trying to find myself again.

Hubby at least was making the effort, as were a very few select friends (Zia included) and ladies I know on-line. But, until you can truly see for yourself, their efforts are in vain.

But, I guess an addict - whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, work or continued grief - in the end cannot see it from other people. They have to see it for themselves. And that is the hardest thing to do in life - see things for what they really are.

...I am glad I can see them now... I am enjoying my Chris again.

Hubby pointed out to me last night, as he slept in my arms at 6:30 pm after refusing to take a nap around 1 pm, that I looked like I was holding him for the first time - like I looked when he was first born. In a way, that idea is not that far from the truth. In many ways, I do feel like this is a new birth - a new birth of spirit and love for me and for my family.

Prayers needed for a BG member

One of the ladies in one of my BG's on FF found out today that, after not feeling her baby kick in a few days, the doc could not find the heartbeat on doppler or ultrasound. The baby girl has passed away. She is going in tonight to deliver the baby - at 24 weeks.

She has had a rough pregnancy all along with morning sickness, and now this.

Please say a few prayers for her and her family - that she will be okay in time, and that she and her family will find some peace in the months to come.

So, those emotions of Why God would do such a thing are popping back into my head again... I know that will not be answered for a long time, but it saddens me that someone else has to go through this. It is just not right.

D: I am thinking of you. Contact me any time - you have my contact info.

Why do I listen to unwarrented advice?

Had a good weekend - quiet stay at home Saturday, and off to visit our friends yesterday. It was some great quiet time with the family. Although, I have a MAJOR beotch session about the visit yesterday to get off my chest...

We visited with Hubby's friends from grammar school (M, who is married to J and has K1; and E, who is married to T and has K2 - see post Dinner With Friends about E&T) yesterday.

T is a special ed teacher...and is very open about what she does at school (always has, like she should get a Girl Scout patch on her sash for all of her "saves"). She truly is good at what she does, so she should be proud of her accomplishments...except when they cross over the line and she starts making comments about what just isn't there.

M put on Jack's Big Music Show for Chris later in the day because all of us were indoors due to the heat (and M&J's lack of pool, since they were having a problem putting it together in time for us to come up for the visit). When Jack is on, Chris likes to dance around, sing, and act like an all-around 2 year old goofball. You could see T is watching him closely - not out of enjoyment, but with that analyzing look to her. She proceeds to make a comment about half-way through the program about Chris' toe-walking...basically saying, you know, I think Chris could be autistic.

Now, I KNOW what the warning signs are of autism and I KNOW how important it is to diagnose this early... My best friend's neice has benefited so much from early intervention, and I know several others who DC are just now starting out on their own journies through autism. But, Chris occasionally toe walks! Who cares? Hubby toe-walked when he was a toddler. Hubby's cousin toe-talked as a toddler. Our ped mentioned the toe-walking to us at his two year check-up...and proceeded to say, don't worry about it. The worst that can happen is he will have flat feet (as does my Hubby and cousin...see the GENETICS working here?).

But, this single comment from someone who probably only sees Chris about once every two to three months now has Hubby in a tizzy... He, like I, wants to make sure if there are problems with Chris, we get them addressed early. He is worried now really over nothing now.

To alleviate his mind a bit, I went on-line looking for signs, etc. of autism for him. According to sites like Autism Society of America, Autism Speaks, First Signs, and Cure Autism Now, here are the major behaviors that signal further evaluation is warranted for autism:

1. No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter
2. No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter
3. No babbling by 12 months
4. No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months
5. No words by 16 months
6. No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months
7. Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age

Chris has not displayed ANY of these signs. Chris is just a normal kid who likes to toe-walk.

Sure, I am concerned about Chris' speech, as do most parents - he talks well and up to the standard for his age. But, he has gotten into the habit of pointing for things instead of asking verbally because, well, he has several people on my in-law's side that like to baby him and give him what he points to. Would you verbally ask for something if all you had to do was point and get it? It is laziness and stubbornness...which I need to train him out of. And, it may be something I will address privately after talking to our ped about it.

Our ped does very thorough Well Baby visits - I would think if he saw anything questionable, or throught of something based on our responses to his questions, he would have said something already to us.

I really hate when people start planting a seed like that when there is no problem - and she, of all people, should know better.

Caring from some obscure places

I got the attached e-mail this morning from a really sweet girl named Kerry-Ann.

To back-up a bit, every summer I hire a student program assistant and a computer lab monitor for the summer programs I run. Kerry-Ann was my student program assistant for Summer 2005. She was one of the most attentive student workers I have had in the 8 years I have been running these programs (actually, I think I only had problems with one students in all of those years...but I digress) and she contacts me every once in a while to say hi, at my request since I like to keep up with the students who worked for me. She amazed me from the start - a young college girl from Africa, who was here at RU on a track scholarship. She ran track, kept her grades up to an 3.7+ average, and worked the entire time she was in college. I have no idea how she did it - she was pleasant every day, and had enough energy to equal 2 three-year-olds!

She left me a phone message on Mother's Day at my office to say Happy Mother's Day - which was so sweet, considering some people forgot about me on that day (see post on What happened to Mother's Day?). So, I sent her an e-mail to thank her for remembering - How could I not, since she took the time to find my phone number and leave a message. Here was her response to my thank you:

Hello Christine,

Things are going fine. I can't forget how your face gets lightened up when you spoke about your son. You carry the mark of a very very happy and proud mother, so on mothers day I had to remember you. I hope your baby is doing great. I hope this are going good for you at the office. Say hi to my former co-workers for me please. I will stay intouch. HAVE A GOOD DAY

Kerry-Ann

Today is the 6 month anniversary of my first known miscarriage (or, technically, my second miscarriage, since I didn't know about my first "official" miscarriage until my follow-up appointment with my third - what a mouthful!) and one day past my 2 month anniversary of my second known miscarriage. Receiving this message this morning has meant more to me than this young girl will ever know. She really touched my heart with this simple message - and I hope that, through all that has happened, that I still light up when I talk about my Chris. He is the most important thing in the world to me and I would never want him to be lost in the shuffle of all of the pain.

Dinner with friends

Got an unexpected invite for dinner Saturday night on Friday night from E&T (E is hubby's long-time friend from grammar school and T is his wife). T called at the last minute (around 7:30 pm) and, since we were supposed to get together with K&B Saturday night, I told E I would call her back in the morning because I "though my IL's needed us to do something."

Saturday morning comes and I talk to K (my best friend from college) - turns out she started up with Pink-Eye Friday morning and didn't want to come around Chris and give it to him. We tentatively reschedule for Sunday for a loooong stroll in the park. So, I call T and tell her it's a go for dinner!

Reason I need to mention this dinner in particular is that, although we used to be very close with E&T years ago (they, too, were high school sweethearts, although T is about 3 years younger than us), there was a MAJOR strain on the friendship around E&T's wedding in 1999. Hubby had dated a friend of theirs VERY briefly while (we will call her "J-wacko", which I will explain below) I was away at college (an agreement we had made when I left for my freshman year - we wanted to make sure this was the real thing, KWIM?), and apparently they thought that relationship was "IT" and my coming home from college (in 1995) screwed it up. So, I was put on the "outside" for a little while - but, things had gotten back to normal after that...or, so we thought.

At E&T's wedding (which hubby and I were both in), J-wacko was also there. Whenever she was around, she always made a point to star at me, until you could feel a burning sensation in your back. J-wacko ended up hooking-up with a friend of E's from grad school in South Dakota that night...which ultimately led to a very quick engagement and marriage (more on that later too - this factors into the rebonding of our friendship). After being stared at for hours, I had had enough and hubby and I decided to call the evening over (the wedding took place at 1:30 pm and the reception was over by 6 pm) we decided to leave the after-party around 7:30 pm. This choice was apparently taken offense too...and the fireworks began shortly thereafter that put the strain on the friendship...

E&T believed that I HATED J-wacko and I was the cause of this - which was the farthest from the truth, and took quite a few years for them to realize. Really, I didn't care what hubby and J-wacko did during their relationship - we were free to do what we wanted (within reason, of course - neither of us wanted an STD!) and we had agreed that, if we got back together, neither of us would ask what happened during that time period. It was blatently clear that whenever all of us got together with J-wacko, SHE was the one with the problem - many other people would come up to me later and ask why she was staring at me, even with her fiance there! So, the only ones with the real problem over this were E&T.

Things began to change in 2001-2002...rumblings of a VERY unhappy marriage started to surface for J-wacko and E's friend, who had relocated to Canada after their wedding in 2000. As more and more information started to flow on E's friend's part, the more E&T began to realize it was J-wacko that was the problem in all of this - not me. J-wacko and E's friend divorced in late 2002, early 2003 - and many, many apologies started to flow from E&T to me. I just accepted graciously, and didn't mention it any more. If they bring it up now, I still lie low - no need to rub an "I told you so" in their faces now....they feel bad enough.

Anyways, after all this mess, T and I both started to realize how bad off we were becoming in the TTC department...and as each of us started jumping through hurdles to conceive, the closer we started to become again. She, unfortunately, did not conceive until very early 2005 because it turned out she was diabetic and it had gone undiagnosed for a long time. Her daughter was born the morning after I lost my second angel...I know it was stange for them to call us that morning, right after what we had been through, although it did bring a small bit of peace to know my angel could now watch over their daughter.

Which now brings me back to dinner.... As I said, the invite was very unexpected, but well worth the trip. Visit started out the same as it always does - some playing with the kids, some prep for eating. But, the boys went out to pick up dessert and Chris was napping...and T and I had a chance to talk, which we haven't had a chance to do in a long time. She had some great perspectives for me which, now that I think back on it, really fit into the current picture. Of course she knows that she will never understand how all of this feels - and she never would even try to venture to say that she would - but, her insights really were comforting. Most of all, it was good for me to know that I can count on certain people that I might have never expected I could.

Guess it is sometimes good to take last minute invites.