Thursday, October 11, 2007

Reconciling my feelings and beliefs

I have not been quiet about how I feel about my faith here on my blog... My relationship with God over the past two years has been, well, rather stormy - which, I suppose, is completely normal considering how things have been. It is not that I don't believe in God, or a divine being... But, the idea that the God I prayed to would rob me of three angels - babies that I took vows nine years ago to accept in to my life - was irreconcilable.

My faith had taken quite a downward spiral...

...At least, I think, until now.

I have created several posts on this blog about the church signs I see while on my way in to work, like: Quotes with meaning and Change is inevitable, Growth is optional.

The newest on to catch my eye was posted last week, on Wednesday as the trips for the betas began, was:

After the storm
comes the rainbow.

Rather a blatant sign, no? And, I don't mean sign as just a sign you pass on the road, but a sign as in God yelling out to me as loudly as he can:

"Hello? Are you paying attention?"

And, seeing that saying on the church board is not the only place I ran across it, in one form or another last week. I saw it in an e-mail from Di as she was going through the anniversary of losing her Leah; I was it in someone's siggy on FF, whom I have run across before and never saw the saying there before.

I felt like the Pavlovian dog, with God's saying being the reinforcer.

So, the sign got changed this this:

Let Jesus be a part
of that rainbow.

Now, I guess God can't be any clearer on what he's sending, right?

It has been a very long time since I went to mass...maybe since around Easter in April, 2006? But, we are going tonight, right after my counseling session, to give thanks to St. Gerard and to God for the blessing that appears to be holding on tightly. They have a Special Blessing of Expectant Mothers tonight, and I think it is very important I go. Not just because I find myself pregnant and can use all of the help I can get - but, because there is some kind of divine intervention going on here for me - between the psychic readings, Chris' prompt to test, the signs in this post - I owe it to God to say thank you...and to acknowledge that I am finally listening...

...Or, at least trying to.

There are many more hurdles to jump before I am comfortable with the idea of being pregnant again....and of bringing a baby home in June: The u/s on 10/24, making it past 9 weeks (the farthest I have been able to get since my pregnancy with Chris), just to name a few.

But, it is very hard to try to have faith - even with all of the positive signs being thrown at me - when you have been knocked down three times over. One minute, I want to look forward to buying new maternity clothes (specially from here) to compliment what I have saved from my pregnancy with Chris, digging out the toys Chris enjoyed so much as an infant, moving things around to make way for a new person in the house....and the next, I am sitting there thinking how I am no where out of the clear yet, how I am going to react to not seeing a heartbeat again on the u/s screen, how I am going to un-tell the very few people who know I am pregnant right now.

It is very hard to let go of the past...and allow myself to dream again.

I want to dream. I want to be happy. I want to be able to touch my tummy and say "Hi, I love you more than words can say" But, I don't remember how...and it is making it very hard for me to reconcile my feelings and beliefs.

I know I have to let things happen as they happen... Be grateful for each day I get to carry this baby, which came to us in a way I had so hoped for all of my life... To trust in God that he knows what he is doing, and he will provide what we can handle in time.

I just wish this were a little easier...


Rachel said...

I am praying that this time everything goes right. I hope that you get some comfort at mass tonight.

Anonymouse said...

This post is real. Love the church sign stuff with rainbows.

Thanks for stopping by my blog and praying for my new niece.

I've scrolled through your blog a little - I am so sorry for your losses. Praying peace to you through this pregnancy. I can imagine pretty well how you're feeling!

littledifficult said...

Faith is a difficult thing, but I believe that struggling with it (rather than taking it for granted) sometimes results in a stronger relationship with God than the one you started out with. I hope that this is the case for you and that everything goes well in this pregnancy.

Di said...

wow, i dont check for a couple days and you have posted a TON! I am glad for the new beta :) even though your others (aside from the blighted ovum) i couldnt really figure out the betas were bad- must not have been concentrating enough.. anyways- glad your new numbers are great!!!! happy anniversary... I feel famous when I make your blogs :) and your one about religion was well written. hope these were all good signs about the rainbow for me too-- a baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby too you know :)

Heather (Mossyclog) said...

I am over the moon happy for you, Tina!!!! {{{{HUGS}}}} I will keep you and your little blessing in my prayers and positive thoughts. I miss chatting with you! Lots of love and positive thoughts headed your way.

Geohde said...

Just stoppin' by to wish you heartfelt congratulations and good luck...