Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Hello??? Body??? What the hell are you doing now??? And, moody rant to boot!

Okay... I am making a concerted effort NOT to chart - Anything. Nothing. Except for AF and meds on the AF days.

So, why? Why, oh why, stupid body, are you deciding to give me cramps and spotting on CD 19, 20 and 21?? What the hell are you up to?? Can't you give me a break already and do what you are supposed to do? Just give me a somewhat normal cycle and call it a day? Can't you just be nice for once?

Of course, along with the spotting is my lovely PMS backache and some moodiness... Not really anxiety moodiness, but moodiness for moodiness' sake. Lovely.

...The moodiness is so bad, that I actually told my MIL last night to not talk behind my back when it concerns things with Christopher. Uh, if I am in the bathroom with Christopher trying to do a potty session, I can hear you wispering to Hubby from the kitchen - and I can hear what you are saying! Ooops! Did I mean to say that???? HeeeHeee!

We are having an on-going disagreement on how to handle Christopher's "hand-flapping," which he has done for a long time, and only when he is excited (like, when his Thomas trains are moving around the blue track set - they are moterized). We don't want him to look like a weird-o in school, so we are trying to stop it now.

My feeling on it is that he needs adjectives to describe the excited feelings he has - which he can't yet express in words. So, when he does the hand-flapping, I take a hold of his hands and say to him, "No flapping. Say "Cool!" "Awesome!" "Fantastic!" ____ insert another adjective here." He is responding well to it when I am consistent, and when he says an adjective, he stops the flapping.

Pretty straight-forward actions, right? Apparently not.

My MIL feels that we should tell him to stop - repeatedly, with no explanation as to why he shouldn't flap. She is not listening to me on the WHY he is doing it in the first place and will not acknowedge that my solution (which is the MOMMY'S solution, after all. Remember, I am the MOMMY here!) may be the better route (uh, Hubby and my FIL agree with me, by the way).

So, when she decided to whisper to Hubby last night that what I was saying was wrong and that her way was the right way, I had to assert myself and make my point clear: 1) I won't be talked about behind my back, especially when I can hear you doing it and 2) there may be a better solution to this than just saying "no," which has NOT worked at all up to this point.

I HATE, HATE, HATE when people do that - and now that I am learning not put myself and my feelings on the back-burner, I am going to assert myself when I feel I need to....which was last night. She was kinda shocked that I did that - as was everyone else. But, hey, I didn't start counseling, meds and restructuring my life to only go half way with it, right?

Anyone have any ideas on the hand-flapping thing?? I am open to suggestions...although my MIL is not.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Christopher's new milestones!

Well, Christopher did quite a number of big boy things in the past twenty-four hours...milestones that I am so happy that he has reached, but at the same time sad to see because it means he is no longer the tiny baby that we brought home almost three years ago. Not all of it is going to be for the faint of heart, so if you are easily grossed out, you might want to skip over some of it.

The past twenty-four hours has kinda built up for a couple of weeks now. We had an on-going issue with Christopher not wanting ANYTHING to do with the potty - didn't want to sit on it, look at it, acknowledge it unless it was stuff toiletpaper down and flush until he laughed himself silly. Rather frustrating when your almost three year old is wearing 4T clothing and the Size 6 barely fit him.

So, we had decided to start really putting him on the potty back in early October - those attempts backfired HUGELY and started us on a long road of holding our bowel movements. The past few months, on and off, were spent with his face turning red and him very publicly holding his poops. We spoke to our pediatrician at his 2 1/2 year check-up in November about it - he said back off until his speech improved. We did and his bowel movements improved some.

But then....we started re-introducing the potty in late December and the backfire happened again, despite the books, M&M's and Pingu videos. And much worse this time around - the last 2 weeks where spent with him constantly holding every bowel movement, which resulted in having to change his diaper about 12 times a day. This went on every stinking day (pardon the pun). So, his poor hiney is as red as Clifford, the Big Red Dog - which is painful for is to clean, painful for him to poop...and the cycle goes on and on and on. He is scared to go poop now - and every time the diaper gets whipped off, he starts screaming because he knows he has to get cleaned.

Talk about feeling like winning the Wost Mother of the Year Award!

I called the ped on Friday and was told to give him 2 teaspoons of mineral oil every day (disguise it in food if we had to) and put him on the potty after every meal. So, we gave him the mineral oil in his dinner Friday night and despite half the day yesterday being spent on the potty, he still world not go for us. And, his hiney was not any better.

But, there was a small change that started yesterday...that proved to be hugely helpful today.

While in our 45 minute long potty sessions, he managed to pee twice on the potty - which, when he managed to do that a few weeks ago all he did was cry. This time, he was a little surprised, but not scared. Okay, a good improvement.

Then, in his tub last night, we did what I will call Disgusting Boy Event #1: Christopher ate his first boogey. I am completely grossed out over this - Hubby is calling his dad, beaming proudly. Christopher got to it before I could get the washcloth to his nose... I have a feeling Christopher will be the boy eating paste in kindergarten.

Today, we spent a very lazy morning sleeping in (haven't done one of those since Christmas)...and then the potty sessions began again. Sessions were spent at home and then over at my mother's house. No successes except for the fact that Christopher sat on the potty without screaming. That is always a plus.

Only problem with the trip to Grandma's house was that it was supposed to be a short one... We were dropping off groceries that we picked up for my parents and then we were going to head off to the Nine-West outlet to return the boots I accidently bought that were the wrong size and the pocketbook that has ripped in less than 3 weeks. My mom asked if we could stop for something else for them, but Christopher needed lunch - so, I sent Hubby on the missions and I stayed behind with my mom and dad because neither are 100% up to caring for Christopher yet on their own. As he finished lunch and starting saying "Time for nap," I realized my big mistake: I forgot the BINKY at home.

Insert my second chance at winning the Wost Mother of the Year Award!

So, I brought Christopher into the livingroom and grabbed two blankets to snuggle with and winged it. Within twenty minutes Christopher was out cold...and slept for 2 hours, sans the binky.

We are in total shock - this was his first nap without the binky, ever.

After his nap, we headed home and spent another half hour on the potty with no success. So, we headed out to dinner with the entire Hubby side of the family for our mass January birthday celebration and after dinner, went back to my IL's house for cake and coffee.

When we got to my MIL's house, Christopher started up the anti-poopy dance: turned bright read, started holding it in and moaning (we added moaning in the past couple of days). He has managed to hold those cheeks so hard, I swore that either he was either going to be the Golden Boy Who Laid the Diamonds or would take over for the Buns of Steel videos.

So, I asked him "Do you need to go potty?"

"NOOOOOOO!" was the moaning reply.

I said, yes you do and dragged him in the bathroom with some hearty protest. Out came the M&M's. Out came the books. Hubby and I, with a houseful of friends and family, sat in the bathroom with him for about twenty-five minutes when we started smelling that lovely whafting of burnt tires.

Might we have a success here???

We peeked in behind him with a flashlight and found what will now be termed as Disgusting Boy Event #2: In the toilet was the Big-Guy Mother-Load! I walk out of the bathroom and yell SUCCESS! The entire house starts yelling "WoooHooo! Christopher!" Our big guy made his first guy dump on the potty!

After his success and his ceremonial flushing and bye-bye's to the poopy, we went over to the sink (still nakey) to wash our hands... Then, Disgusting Boy Event #3 occured: The sound of the running water got other things moving along, when we realized he was peeing on my MIL's stink cabinet! Poor thing, Christopher started crying because he didn't do it on the potty. We cleaned him up (after much crying) and he walked out of the bathroom to much accolades.

After cake and presents (which Mommy gets to buy some new things!!), the big evening ended with Uncle Rogie (Hubby's cousin, Christopher's Godfather) teaching Christopher to sing "My Sharona." So, now, any time you start humming the beginning of that song, Christopher will shout out like a drunken sailor, "My Sharona!"

Oh, what an interesting twenty-four hours this has been. I just hope this is the start of Christopher and real potty-training!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Christopher Fridays: The Gift?

Today's new Christopher Friday post was going to originally be about "Christopher, the Sleeping Tornado," but I decided to delay it by a week to give you a little bit of a more "freaky" post - especially if you believe in ESP, psychic abilities, etc.

Let me start with a little background explanation into the history of Hubby's family...

Hubby's aunt (Cookoo), great-grandmother (Nanny, who I never met because she passed several years before I met Hubby) and my MIL all seem to have a keen sense of people's personalities and things that will happen in the future. They don't "see" events per se, but just get strange feelings about a person and will say "Don't go here today" or "Watch for [XYZ] to happen." And, they are almost always right....which is a very odd feeling when it happens. As an example, Cookoo told a close friend not to drive the woman's son to a basketball game on a particular day many years ago - or, if this woman had to drive him, take a different route: Good thing she said it, because there was a fatal crash in that area right at the time this woman would have been travelling there. Also, Cookoo had said to me many years ago that she knew how many children I would have - and she felt so correct about it, she wrote a letter, dated prior to my PG with Chris, for me to open long after I am out of childbearing years. She wrote this letter before I started any IF treatments - before she knew I was seeing the doc about any problems. I sure would love to read that letter right now...

Now, I am not a real believer in this stuff.... I am not putting stock in the Boardwalk Psychic's predictions from our vacation in September 2006. I don't fully believe that John Edwards could always see what he says saw when he was on Oprah. But....there are some things you just can't ignore or explain away as coincidence.

....Which leads me to today's Christopher Friday post.

We own a very old house - it is over 100 years old and is so old that the original gas pipes for lighting can still be found within the walls that have not been replaced with sheetrock. In this house, the heating is still done by those old, monsterous cast-iron radiators, one of which stands right behind our front door. My FIL built out of wood and metal screening a radiator cover for that particular radiator, so that Chris would not touch the radiator in the winter and burn himself. Eventually, my FIL will make more of them for the other radiators - but this one was essential because it is so open and accessible.

Anyways, since the cover "finishes" the room off very well, we have placed several knick-knacks on top of it - pictures, my Hallmark Heart of Motherhood stand, Chris' baby monitor for when he is sleeping in his room, etc. One of the pictures we have on the cover is of a friend of Hubby's, whom Hubby met at his old job with the State in Newark, on his wedding day in September 2005.

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A is an ex-Marine (stationed in Moscow when we were in high school!) and put himself through law school much later in life - he is very well off now, owning several apartment buildings in Northern NJ that he refurbished himself (well, with some help of contractors, but he had his hands in it). Although he is about 44 years old, he is very young at heart, a real charmer, funny, good looking (okay, a hottie if you really want to know) and a good friend. He married Y, a woman about my age from the Ukraine - tall, beautiful, very sweet. When Chris met her before they got married, he took to her right away.

This picture of them at their wedding has been sitting in the same spot since October 2005, when we got the Thank You card from their wedding. One of the favors from the wedding was a small frame, I guess eventually to be used with the pic included in the card. So, that is what we did - we put the pic in the frame and placed it in that spot.

All of this time, Chris has never bothered with anything on that radiator cover - he sometimes likes to play with the screening that lets the heat out (which we, of course, tell him not to touch!), but otherwise he leaves everything on the tables in the house and this radiator cover alone.

Until the past weekend.

Starting on Saturday, he kept going up to the radiator cover and grabbing this picture - and this picture only - and bringing it to me, saying "Mommy? Daddy?" "Mommy? Daddy?" "Mommy? Daddy?"

Now, we our wall that his radiator cover is on is plastered with pics of Chris and us, including our wedding picture, for all to see coming in the door. There are HUGE differences in the pictures of us (specifically, our wedding picture, which is about an 8"x10" pic and hangs on the wall) and A&Y's wedding pic:

In our wedding pic from October 1998, it was taken inside the chapel on the alter. I am blonde, hair down with bangs, a cream color gown, short sleeves, full veil. Hubby is shorter (not short, just not nearly as tall as A) and stocky with blonde hair.

Y&T's pic was taken outside by the lake at the reception hall, on a very warm September 2005 day. Y has almost jet-black hair, pulled up and away from her face, white strapples gown, veil in the back far away from her face. A is very tall, slim and darker brown hair.

There is just no confusing the pics really for anyone.

So, this kept happening several times a day through Wednesday night. After seeing him do this every day, several times a day - and only to this picture - I asked Hubby to call A and ask him if Y was expecting. We knew that they were going to start TTC after their wedding, although she delayed that a bit because she had to study to become a US citizen, and wanted to wait a while to TTC until she was an official US Citizen.


She is very much expecting, due in July 2007!

Once Hubby told us the news early last night, Chris stopped grabbing that picture and saying "Mommy? Daddy?" He walks right by it without a care.

...So, you be the judge of whether he has a special gift...

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

How big is your baggage?

I have spent the past few weeks really trying to find a new center, a new focus in the eye of this anxiety storm. Little by little, I think I am finding my way through. I realize it is going to take time to undo what I have managed to do to myself - about 1+ years of it. Okay, if I am going to be really honest, probably 30+ years of it. So, I can't push myself too hard.

The one thing I didn't mention in my last update post and has resonated with me for a while now was that when I had my last therapy session, Dr. P was able to sum up so much of my life in one simple quote that came from my father many years ago: I am always the good girl. I was the one who kept the peace. The one who did it all, and strove to always do it well. The one who always kept at a task until no mistakes were made. No tasks were overlooked. Even if those tasks or peace-keeping were at the risk of my own personal health or feelings.

...Ahhh, definitely in agreement with the quote from today's For Women Who Do Too Much calendar:

"The mind can absorb no more than the seat can endure," by Janet Trasli
* Pushing through may be less productive than taking a break.

Bells are ring-a-ling-linging, aren't they???

Which got me to thinking... If this is the role I took over in my family, what role am I setting Chris up to play as he gets older?? What baggage will he carry?

I suppose, even in the best of households and families, everyone carries their baggage with them as they leave the nest - some carry a small carry-on bag they can tuck away without too much damage to the family they create, some have the full set of designer match luggage that will unpack itself with no thought to the consequences the unpacking will bring, and the rest fall somewhere in between with a modest suitcase.

I would say I am somewhere in the modest suitcase set.

When I first met Hubby in high school (yipes! 20 years ago come September 18th!), I was 14 years old...and I sooo envied his family the second I met him - both his immediate and extended families. They always seemed happy and enjoyed their company: laughing together, singing together, goofing around together. The loved their children immensely. They never fought. They took me in and really taught me what other families were like, because my family was quite different.

From as early as I could remember, my parents fought - very loud and very, very often. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night, scared to death, because they were at it so loud. I am sure the neighbors could hear the entire thing. They fought about money, they fought about chores to be done around the house, they fought about the trouble my sister and brother used to get into. Everything they could turn into an argument, they did (did I mention they are both Cancer's and they both got married to move out of their homes??).

And, I would cry my eyes out, hoping they would stop. Usually, my tears were all it took to quiet them down.

As my sister and brother got older, their adventures into pushing the edge got larger. My sister cut her hand open jumping a fence to get away from the police because her and her friends were hanging out where they didn't belong (wonder if this is where she ended up getting the "I gotta marry a cop" thing from?). My brother got caught cutting gym to smoke pot wit his friends; boosted my grandmother's car for a joy-ride; trashed my grandmother's shore house. And, well, that's just the start of it. My brother did much more than my sister - my sister turned out way more respectable...

...But, she is a "yeller" now and is repeating the cat-fight legacy.

My role in the house was the peace-keeper. My grades were always great - honor roll and honors program. My room was neat. I could play by myself or with friends and not get into trouble. I was involved with activities at school and babysat on the weekends. I had a steady boyfriend whose father drove us on dates for the first two years we dated - and I never had to be given a curfew because I was always home by 11:30 pm on a Saturday night.

I was the "good girl," which, of course, has spilled over into other areas of my life, like my job, my friends, etc., etc.

It's no wonder that I am where I am now.

Of course, though, my bubble did eventually burst as far as hubby's family was concerned. As you get older - along with your beau - you learn about the things that had gone on in his family that you were too young to really know about at the time. Hubby's maternal grandfather was an alcoholic for many, many years and robbed my MIL of her teenage years and her early married life. Hubby's paternal grandmother was a raging beoch and my MIL could never fair well in her eyes - EVER. She was never good enough for my FIL. They never wanted to only have one child - but the miscarriage of the twins when Hubby was about 8 years old and the fact that she never got pregnant again changed the plan of how many children they wanted. The list, of course, can go on and on...

The biggest thing for me was that I have made it a point to never have an argument with Hubby in front of Chris - I learned very early that real, drag-out fights never solved the issue. And, really, I don't think Hubby and I have ever had more than a handful of real raise-your-voice arguments in the 20 years we have known each other. So, we did manage to side-step that piece of family history... We do have disargeements - and, with them, sometimes we do let them out in front of Chris, but we try our best to never let those disagreements come out in a blaming, nasty way. It is good for him to learn how to have a disagreement and resolve it without voices raised. I am sure a disagreement here and there has fallen through the cracks - we are human after all and we can't always keep our cool. But, we are mindful of what those nasty agruments can do.

As I sit here writing this, I do wonder what Chris will be telling his friends someday about the "deep-dark secrets" of his childhood. Will his baggage be a small carry-on, or the designer set of match luggage, or somewhere in between?

I hope that, as I find myself again, that his will become a very small duffle-bag.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Another year older... Maybe another year wiser?

Well, I am 34 years old today... One more year before I am considered Advanced Maternal Age, if I ever manage to get PG again. But, I am not going to worry about that today.

Instead, I am going to enjoy my flowers....

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and Belgian chocolates Hubby sent me today at work. I am going to enjoy my day, despite the work. I am going to enjoy my 34 years under my belt and relax.

...I just wish I could figure out why my profile won't update on my blog!

Friday, January 19, 2007

Christopher Fridays: Escapades with "The Easy Button"

By now, all of you must know the Staples Easy Button ads:

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Well, Hallmark sells variations of the Easy Button and Chris prefers this one:

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Hubby received this as a Christmas present from his aunt (Cookoo Antty) as a gag gift. However, for whatever reason, Chris decided that it was his and his alone.

This "Force Field" button plays, of course, the Emperor's Theme from Star Wars. Chris has to have it everywhere he goes, especially when he makes an entrance to someone's home. He prances around the house, walking rather "regally" to it most of the day. The only time he does not have it is during nap time or bed time at night. It goes whereever he goes - just in case.

Good God! My son has theme music!

Ah...yet another thing that Hubby could never deny his paternity over.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Updates, new perspectives and time for change

Now that the Crimson Witch is gone (and the Lexapro-proof PMS crap that went with her), I truly feel I am making some progress in healing me.

I feel like the CD's I own, many collecting dust with scratches etched into them - mainly because there have been several points in time since November 2005 where I thought I was healing and moving on from my miscarriages and the resulting upheaval of it all, but I was just deluding myself. However, this time - for real - healing and letting go is just around the corner, finally tangible, finally here.

First, for the updates of the various events that sent me up for the tailspin that was 2006:

My mom got her casts off on January 8th. Her right knee is stiff, but healed. She can move it now, except going down stairs is still a challenge since the knee is not used to the movement. She has to be very careful that she doesn't trip again. Her nose is healed too - bumpy now, but healed. Her left hand, however, is looking a little odd. It is, according to the x-rays, healed. But, it is swollen and stiff. The doc moved it on her when he came out to talk to her after my dad's surgery last week (they see the same orthopedist) and it swelled up even more. She may need him to look at it again - but, luckily, a neighbor of hers is a physical therapist and is going to show her some exercises to do to maybe help first. She has to be careful though - with the knowledge that she has had a mini-stroke already, she needs to watch for signs now.

My dad had his hip replacement surgery on Janaury 10th - and did amazingly well. Considering he has to limit what he does for a while, he moves better and is in less pain than before. Amazing. He was transferred to the in-facility rehab on January 13th and is a little behind on rehab because of the MLK holiday on Monday and swelling of his leg on Tuesday morning. But, he is catching up and will be coming home this Saturday. He will receive in-home rehab after that and is scheduled to return to work around March 15th. I have a feeling my mom is going to have a hard time kicking his fanny out the door to go back to work.

** Have to add a good laugh here about my brother in Texas. He called my mom and told her she and dad were giving him stomach pains, with all that is going on here in NJ. Is he for REAL??? He has done absolutely nothing for them (and actually complained because his kids didn't get as much for Christmas this year as they normally get - how about they get a disability check to live on??) from Texas, and isn't planning on coming up at all. There is nothing "in it" for him. So glad he is in pain... **

My FIL is back to work and it appears all signs of infection in his foot is gone - the pic-line was removed because he no longer needs the IV antibiotics (although he is still on orals ones). The doc hopes that now the wound will heal for good - without a graft. Time will only tell us that. He's just mad because the doc won't let him use a cane yet - he still has to use the walker, and he hates it.

As for myself, our windows are in, so our living room will hopefully be done soon! Hubby is getting them today. Yeah! Can't wait for that room to be done - then we move on to the much-awaited and needed overhaul of the Pit of Hell (AKA the Kitchen!). I will have to post pics of the Pit soon - it is a beaut!

TTC will be delayed for a while - for how long, I don't know. I called Dr. D yesterday for new prenatals (which I can see on the Walgreens website had NOT been called in yet - and I know it is going to be pharmacy error. ** Uh, update! Duet DHA Combo Pak (Reformulated) is now in.** ) and had to ask the question: Can I TTC while on Lexapro?

We upped the dosage of Lexapro to 10 mg on January 2nd because I was still needing the extra .25 mg of Xanax around dinnertime and I wasn't comfortable with having to do that. So, the upped doseage has really helped to get me to bedtime and the .5 mg Xanex I take before going to sleep (although the PMS hit me hard this time around - the period itself last week, after a 77 day cycle, wasn't too bad. But, the moodiness was horrible and the med combo barely worked.). Dr. McC wants to see if we can now cut back on the Xanex at bedtime to .25 mg and if that works over this coming weekend, we will consider cutting out the Xanex completely in a couple of weeks. If the weekend is rough, we will wait to cut the Xanex out.


Anyways, getting back to TTC and Lexapro... I know Xanex and TTC is a BIG no-no. So, TTC can't happen until I am off Xanex. But, I assumed I could maybe be off Xanex by April, so maybe April would be a good month to start TTC again. Later than originally hoped for in January, but not too far off that I will be turning 35 yet. Several women have said their ob/gyn's were okay with TTC on Lexapro (you just need to be off of it by the start of the 3rd trimester) - but, I needed to hear Dr. D's opinion from the horse's mouth. I have too many complications to deal with in TTC as it is - I can't complicate things by taking a med behind his back.

His answer was: NO. I have to be off it before TTC.

Surprisingly, I am okay with the answer. In a weird sort of way, it takes the pressure off of me to set a date to start TTC again - it forces me to make sure I am well physically and, more importantly, emotionally before I get back on that ride. Plus, it gives me time to really speak with Dr. S about the thyroid antibodies I am testing positive for - my MIL gave me a very interesting article from the Neward Star Ledger (which is also on nj.com) on sub-clinical thyroid disease and positive antibody screens that researchers are finding if left untreated prior to pregnancy, miscarriage and preterm birth rises dramatically. She wanted my TSH below 2.0 before TTC anyway (she seems to be up on this research I read in the article) - so, it gives me time after my March 23rd appointment to see where my TSH is then, start meds for it, and make sure that the TSH is down to where she wants it.

The answer also gives me the chance to really consider ending this TTC journey for good. I have Chris to think of, first and foremost. What's the point in sacrificing my soul and ours as a family just to be pregnant again and make my family "complete"? How can I be a good mommy if I am not a healed spirit?

Now, for some new perspectives and other realizations I am gaining for myself:

Dr. P feels that I have been trying to please everyone around me - either by keeping the peace with my family (not with Hubby and Chris, but I mean my family growing up) by always being the "good kid" or by always "saving the day" when a problem comes up at work. I have to stop doing that and learn to say "I will try to help, but I may not be able to in the end." Again, I am trying to control something...and I have to learn I can't. I have to learn to find a balance of helping and not being a slave for affection. I have already begun to try to change this by not rushing around at work and making my sister pick up some of the load of visiting my dad and helping my mom. And, with each baby step I make, my stomach aches a little less, my hands shake a little less.

To help with the trying to give up the control, I am seriously considering going for acupuncture (Dr. McC recommended it). Going for a class for something like yoga is not my cup of tea - I hate taking classes like that. So, acupuncture might help with the start of relaxing and rebalancing...and maybe even with my cycles. More on that later - trying to get answers to what is covered with insurance has already been a hassle! But, I am NOT stressing about it...really.

I like having my time in the evenings to read and relax. I can't remember the last time relax entered my brain. I can sit and dive into a book and not think about work, chores, rants, my health. I can breathe.

I like being able to go out to the store and not panic over a simple thing. I went shopping for shoes and other things I needed on my own, and I was okay with it. It has been a long time since I was comfortable doing it - I was becoming a hermit.

My "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote last week:
"Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty," by Doris Day
How we look at something often determines what it is.

I have been looking at my miscarraiges and infertility as my personal flaw, my cross to bare. Sure, it is. But, I have so much to give thanks for in my life - it outweighs those "flaws" I see in myself. I have let these "flaws" define my life instead of absorbing them into the small piece of me that they are. I have to end the complaining and begin the celebrating. I am more than just a recurrent miscarrier. I am more than just an infertile (and infertile again). I am a women with family and friends, interests and loves, likes and dislikes. I am a woman with hope and faith and charity to give. I am more than just my cross I bare.

Lastly, there is a wind of change coming for my life, and I am liking it.

Yet again, my "For Women Who Do To Much" calendar gave me the following quote on Tuesday:

"How about spending a whole year focusing on the positive aspects of having children in our lives? Sometimes the stress of all we do can cause us momentarily to forget. This year, let's make it a point to appreciate them.

Children keep us young."

This quote was so right-on, I began to cry. The "jobs" of motherhood - the laundry, the diaper changing, the potty training, the illness caring and preventing, the schedule arranging - have been my focus for too long. How did I fall into this? Probably to try to find some control in my life because this was not my focus before starting to TTC #2 in July 2005. I wanted to make sure everything was perfect for Chris - except I was sacrificing my time (and HIS) playing with him. Play time was not "perfect" - he played, I watched. I should have been playing with him all along and enjoying it. I used to laugh when he laughed, learned when he learned. But, I was just watching and thinking about what chores I had yet to do.

As I had mentioned in my post Some more self-realizations, I have lost so much time with Chris that I will never be able to get back. I have watched him grow more from the sidelines than as an active Mommy and that has to end. Yesterday, we had a Dance Party in our living room, after working the day at home. His giggles just blew any stress I felt out of the water - and I was relaxed and acting like a goofball. The smile on his face was priceless to me...kinda a "Where have you been all year?" face. It was something I hadn't done with him in a long time (God! He weighed a lot less! I can barely swing him around anymore!).

So, I am going to dedicate every Friday to special posts about Chris - to post things that either he does now that are hilarious to me, or his changes from baby to toddler that amaze me, or whatever strikes my fancy on any given Friday. He is my #1 blessing - and I need to allow myself to celebrate that. I fought for him to be here - more than I ever realized when I was pregnant with him. I hope everyone can enjoy the things I see on Fridays.

Going to go finish my book now... :)

The Barren Bitches Book Brigade--Tour Two

Well, since I am on this new-found reading kick (go me! Almost done with Book #3 - should be done with it today over lunch!), I have joined the The Barren Bitches Book Brigade--Tour Two over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters.

The book being reviewed is Children of Men by P. D. James. It was apparently turned into a not-so-fantastic movie version and deals with infertility (I have to read the cover synopsis yet). I received my copy yesterday from Amazon (a new pal of mine!). So, the reading should begin tomorrow...and will probably be finished by the end of January (my reading time is getting faster now that I am doing it regularly).

Ohhhh....I get to review a book! What fun!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Making precious time for me

Dr. P will be happy on Monday that I am finally making some time for me these days - time that, quite frankly, I didn't feel I "needed" or was "owed."

I am a working mother - and I have felt that, up until this New Year, that every waking second I was not at work or doing household chores NEEDED to be spent with Chris. I figured I would have time after he was grown (or, at least in school) to pursue my interests again and spend some time on me. I needed to spend this time on him and him only.

Obviously, that hasn't worked for me - or us as a family - now has it? It has backfired completely and now I am left trying to pick up the pieces of what I have done to me and to all of us.

My MIL said something very telling to me on the phone last night. We talk daily, and five minute phone calls often turn into half hour gab sessions. She said, "Be grateful you are figuring this out now, not 30+ years from now like me." What she didn't say out-loud is that she is realizing she has done the same thing as me for 30+ years and she is only getting the courage to learn to say no to things through how "public" I have chosen my recovery to be. I have turned into my MIL in some ways - ways that I am trying to reverse, and so is she at the age of almost 60.

So, I have spent every night since New Year's Day reading for at least one hour - feet up, snuggled into a blanket, quiet music on - as Hubby puts Chris to sleep. This is no way a New Year's Resolution. I haven't made one of those in many, many years. This is a project in self-healing, growth, and finding some peace in my own skin. I have finished 2 books already, and am on to a third:

This one I was trying to finish since I started it in July 06: A Sundog Moment, by Sharon Baldacci
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This one I finishing in three days - but it is a "shorty": For One More Day, by Mitch Albom
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This one I am currently reading and blowing through fast (and, anyone of strong Italian heritage would love this one): I Love You Like A Tomato, by Marie Giordano
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I also bought on Amazon a few books on meditation and alternative medicine to help with healing myself from the anxiety and sadness of the past year or so. Dr. P wanted me to find ways to do this, so I am starting with books to look for suggestions.

This time for me has been very refreshing and calming...and I honestly don't feel guilty for taking it anymore. I used to - which is why I think I had stopped reading a long time ago. Time wasn't "available" to do it. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

I am taking the day off tomorrow to take my mom to the hospital to see my dad (surgery went A-OK yesterday...and he is comfortable on the pain meds!) - while I am waiting for her to say she's ready, I am going to schedule an appointment to get my hair cut and colored. I haven't had it done since before Suzi's wedding and it is getting bad looking! Roots and all.

Monday we are off for MLK Day - I am planning on spending some time with Zia getting some very yummy smoothies (even if it is cold!) and catching up. I am leaving Chris with my MIL for that time...although I will have the early morning with him. Then, I am off to see Dr. P with my progress.

...So, any suggestions on books to read is welcome...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

You are The Tower

Gee... This really sums up me these days....

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

I think my body is in league with the Devil..and Dad's surgery today

...Guess who is showing up today??

Ah! You guuuuuueeeeessed it!

Yep! My quarterly visitor... The Red Storm. The Red River. AKA: My Period.

She started making her presence known Saturday night, very stealthfully...although, since I don't get it that frequently on my own, my period usually starts off as a question mark. First, the waking up at night (despite my friend Xanex). Then, the bloating. Then, the want for chocolate (no, I didn't really indulge yet). Then, the snappies at people (despite my new-found calm...guess Lexapro can't work on everything, right??). Spotting came yesterday (just in time to leave work)... Now, I have the slow start today.

It figures it would show up now - giving me HUGE rasberries while I sit here and think I could have been starting Clomid this week. If only it had not been for the uproar of my stomach last year and all of the events of December. If our plan had stuck in place, I would bet all of you $1000 that AF would not have shown unless threatened by Provera.

Well, at least my 1st and 2nd cycles off the BCP's were both 77 days. If my body keeps this up (a cycle is a cycle, even it it's on the quarterly plan, right?), and my stomach continues to stay calmed down with the Lexapro (and Dr. D agrees to let me TTC while on Lexapro), then maybe - just maybe - by the end of March, AF will show up again. ...Just in time to meet with the endocrinologist to start TSH lowering meds and think about getting my feet wet in the TTC world again.

...No, I am not really making plans... Just hoping God, Lady Luck and Mr. Murphy (of Murphy's Law, of course) will be a little kinder to us in 2007.

*** BTW: Today is my dad's hip replacement surgery. I am not there today - I am working from home, waiting for news. Surgery was to start around 10 am.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers that everything goes well. It is going to be a 3 month recovery.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Some more self-realizations

I have been thinking so much the past few days of this New Year - self-realizations that I have not been able to see at all over the past year or so. I am just glad I am seeing them now instead of 30+ years from now like MIL, as she is beginning to see for herself as she watches (and talks to) me going through this.

These thoughts started on Friday when I realized how many things I actually don't remember after my last miscarriage. I was working on some manuscript files my Director is editor-in-chief for...files that, up until this past week, he has not had time to review since, well, April 2006. He had some questions on a few of the files, like were the referees thanked for their reports and if the authors received copies of the reports from the referees - and, quite frankly, if the print-outs of the correspondance were not in the files (which some of them were not), I really couldn't say if they were or weren't sent.

This is the first time in my life that I cannot recall what I did at work. I document EVERYTHING to have back-up, but this time I had not. I never delete an e-mail or a document at work because I know someday I will need it. I have e-mails and documents on my PC going back to when I started working there (again) in August 1998! Yet, I could not remember a thing from March or April.

March and April were bad... Unlike the long Thanksgiving weekend I had to "recover" from the d&e in November 2005, I went right back to work two days after the d&c in March 2006. Not having that time to start to address what happened with the miscarriage- a loss that I had no idea was coming since I had all of the morning sickness signs I had with Chris - and having a full load on my plate at work was a very bad combination... A combination that cost me almost a year of my life.

It has been so nice to play with Chris with my full head and heart present again... For the past few months, I have felt like my time with him has been like watching him through a clouded window: I was there only watching him play while everyone else interacted with him and had fun. I was not able to be interactive. I was not present. I was not part of the fun - nor a part of his memories.

And there is no way to get that time back now... Time with him that is already short.

I hate the fact that miscarraige is not always viewed by the outside world as a real loss. women are expected to be over it so quickly - like that baby growing inside of you was never really a part of your heart and soul. When one of the ladies from one of my BG's went through the stillbirth of her daughter last fall (which I know she is still dealing with now), she was at least able to have a funeral, a proper burial for her child lost. She was not expected back at work for a while and had that time to mourn. She is still mourning - but she did not have to face the outside world until she was a little more ready to.

I was not allowed to have that time.

If it had not been for the long Thanksgiving weekend following my d&e in 11/05, I probably would have been back two days later at work too.

But, two days is just not enough to begin to grieve those losses...hence why I am still here, learning how to let go and move forward with my life.

That is not to say my bosses wouldn't have allowed me the extra time - I think if I truly knew I needed the time, they would have allowed it. But, I was trying to run from the losses too - burrying myself in my work to escape. So, I am partly to blame. I didn't think I needed the time - I was turning into a "pro" at miscarriage now since this was my third.

I wish things could have been handled differently...so I wouldn't have lost so much time. I wish I had realized what I was doing to myself - and what others were in turn not doing for me to realize it myself - so I wouldn't be sitting here in January 2007 trying to find myself again.

Hubby at least was making the effort, as were a very few select friends (Zia included) and ladies I know on-line. But, until you can truly see for yourself, their efforts are in vain.

But, I guess an addict - whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, work or continued grief - in the end cannot see it from other people. They have to see it for themselves. And that is the hardest thing to do in life - see things for what they really are.

...I am glad I can see them now... I am enjoying my Chris again.

Hubby pointed out to me last night, as he slept in my arms at 6:30 pm after refusing to take a nap around 1 pm, that I looked like I was holding him for the first time - like I looked when he was first born. In a way, that idea is not that far from the truth. In many ways, I do feel like this is a new birth - a new birth of spirit and love for me and for my family.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Redefining me

In looking over my last post...I realized something about myself that I hadn't noticed before... …I really have been living my life since November 2005 with a sort of Scarlet M (“M” for miscarriage, of course) on my chest for the world to view instead of these “life experiences” (sounds trite, but in the end that is what they are) just becoming a small part of who I am as a whole, complete person. I have allowed my recurrent miscarriages and infertility to become my “crutch.” I didn’t want to face my “shortcomings” (at least what my mind was telling me was my “shortcomings”) for real until now, causing me not to be able to move on, or enjoy my life and the lives of those around me.

Why would I do this to myself, especially after having been in counseling for 9 months? Maybe it is just easier to wallow in your heartache than actually accept it and move on? Sure, I thought in the past I have accepted my losses…but have I really? I think I have been kidding myself up until now. Maybe the upped dosage of Lexapro is finally giving me some relief and clarity and myself insight into what I have been doing for so long? I don’t know.

This self-realization comes just as I finished reading a book called “A Sundog Moment” by Sharon Baldacci, which in short is about a woman who finds out she is suffering from MS and how her life, her relationships and her faith changes (or really, doesn’t change, only grow) because of the chronic illness.

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Finishing a book is a HUGE feat for me! I have a stack of books in our attic that are half-read, tossed to the side because “life” got to busy to finish them. That is almost what happened to this book (I started it in July 06)…except, since Dr. P wanted me to find a way to relax and the ‘hood I live in undoubtedly would not offer a Yoga class (did I mention I live in basically an inner city??), I decided to finish this book by reading one hour each night before bed all week long. It was quite the challenge to begin this new pattern – but I like the new way I am spending that time, instead of worrying about what will happen the next day.

The book was good – the ending was rather cliché, but the story as a whole was very meaningful and powerful. What I was able to really take away from it is immeasurable.

I have finally understood what it means to truly accept what life has given you, assimilate it into your being and move on to be a stronger person. Again, maybe it’s the upped Lexapro talking (amazing what an extra 5 mg can do for a person!) – but I think it is really ME this time. Toward the end of the story, the main character finally gets to see her “sundog” – not just visibly in the sky but emotionally when she becomes accepting of what this disease will bring her and that, even though her body may not cooperate with her, she is still who she was before the disease became a part of her life and she can still live, laugh and love.

I know my angel babies will always be my babies – they may not be here physically, but they are here. And, although I miss them, I am not angry anymore. I am calm, peaceful, aware they were too perfect for this world, and I will hold them someday.

And, even if our lives are not graced with another child, Chris is such a miracle and blessing for us. We have more than we could have ever asked for. Unconditional love is a powerful thing – he doesn’t care if my body has forgotten what is should be able to do. All he cares about is that he is loved, protected, secure.

Dr. P said I needed to learn to live my life only with love… The word “love” happened to be imprinted on the shirt from Old Navy I wore to our last session last week. That is all that matters when the day has ended, and I finally get it. For real.

My heart is no longer racing (or, not nearly as much or as often)…nor are my hands shaking nearly as much as they were. Food tastes like it should again. When I am driving home after work, my mind is surprised that my stomach is not spasming like I have grown accustomed to it doing around 4:00-5:00 pm every day….which means that I can eat dinner (and seconds!). I am truly enjoying my time again with Chris and Hubby and my family and friends again – something that has been interrupted for months and months on end.

I have forgotten for a long time that I am a spirit in this world – not just a person who does her work at her job, gets things ready for the next day, washes clothes, does dishes, scrubs the toilet. I am a spirit with a soul that needs nurturing – and the feed up until now has been rather out of stock. I can enjoy a book in the evening, leave the laundry for another day, miss a deadline if I need to, make mistakes in my work, play with my son and enjoy my time with my spouse. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I became perfectionistic in so many aspects of my life to try to control the things I thought I could control, and block out the things I could not. And, in doing that, I piled so much stress on top of myself. Turning it off become hard or nearly impossible. Now that I can – which is for me an amazing feeling, since I have always had this tendency anyway – I can see the entire picture again. I don’t like what I have become and it is time for it to change for good and for all.

So, I have decided to take my Infant and Pregnancy Loss support bracelet off. I won’t be characterized by one aspect of my being anymore. I have my charm bracelet

(Charms from left to right are for: Miscarriage #2, Miscarriage #1, Chris's charm, my new butterfly [for the ones I used to see while walking this year] and Miscarriage #2)
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(Close-up of charms 1-3)
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(Close-up of charms 4-5)
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and this bracelet is enough for me now. I know what the charms mean to me, as does Hubby, as will Chris when he is old enough to understand he has siblings in heaven. Maybe I will add a charm for another child someday – maybe I won’t. It’s okay. If anyone should ask about the bracelet, then I will share my stories with them. If they don’t notice, then I really don’t need to share it because they probably wouldn’t care anyway.I am always willing to share my story - I am just not going to let it define WHO I AM anymore. Does that make sense??

I am also no longer going to chart anything by my periods, whenever they decide to show up. I know now that all of these physical problems with my stomach has been caused by anxiety (not thyroid – spoke with Dr. S about it Wednesday and she said it definitely not thyroid) – and part of that anxiety has been charting, or what little charting I have been doing since my last miscarriage in March 06. So, if we do go back to TTC, whenever that will be, I will only chart the days I have to take meds and do the IUI – other than that, no moods, no symptoms, no CM, no temps. It is liberating to wake up in the morning and just roll over to see the man you married (and on most occasions, the little boy born of that relationship) – not the digital BBT you have to stick in your mouth and the paper you have to write the temp on.

There is way more to me than the babies I have lost and the fact that I can’t get PG on my own – and I have forgotten that. I think all of us who are going through like trials like this forget who we are at some point in our journeys. I guess that is the only way we learn…

…I just wish we didn’t have to waste such precious time figuring it out.

** Interesting thing is, after I finished writing this post (save for the pic I have to add this weekend), I ran into a lady from another department in our 4th floor lobby on my way to heat up my lunch in our department kitchen. I hadn't seen her in a while (she runs programs like I do, sometimes in our lounge) - and I found out why I hadn't seen her today: She had another baby. Her older son is about 18 months old, and her new son is probably only about 6-8 weeks old. For a change, I wasn't angry or upset - I was happy to see those two little bumpkins. It was nice.

But, the first thing she said to me was (ignoring my comments about cute her boys were), "Wow! You got tiny! You look great! Wish I could do that!"

I was thinking the same thing (the "Wish I could do that" part, I mean), as she held her baby son and gave him his bottle. I wish I could have just had another baby. Very surreal.

She had gastric bypass surgery before she got married about 3 years ago - and even at her thinnest after the bypass was done, she was still about a size 14-16. She looked good, but she never felt that way (although, the skuttlebutt on campus was that she still over-ate despite the bypass - who's to say if that was true or not). She was told to wait a while to have children (the bypass was done not that long before the wedding), but she chose not to. Now that she has had her second son, she is back to the size she was prior to the surgery - and, despite the two beautiful boys she has, she looked sad when she saw me (minus the weight I had, not all of which I chose to lose).

She longs to be thin.... I long to have another child. Amazing how things are put into perspective for you out of the blue.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

(Re-)Learning to Live

Ah....the first post of the New Year! Welcome, 2007. I am glad you are here! I have been waiting for you a very long time...

Well, this is the first time I have really been on the PC (other than on my first day back at work yesterday) since I had off for the Christmas break on December 22nd. I have not charted anything on FF or on TCOYF, have not been on the message boards I usually frequent, have not been on my BG's (I am very sorry about that, ladies - I miss you all! And, I promise to get back to you very soon.), have not been on my blog posting, and have not been on my e-mail (C: I got your e-mail from December 23rd...I will respond to it as soon as I can. Thank you from the bottom of my heart - it meant a lot to me. And, thank you for reading here. Comment when you want to.).

I am sorry to all for being MIA - but, I have finally realized that I have been drenching myself in trying to help others, sharing my stories of loss and heartache for the past year desparately trying to search for answers and peace for myself... And, that pattern is just not working. It is not healing my soul. In fact, it is prolonging the healing process and I am allowing that search for healing and happiness to hurt me physically. So, I needed to stop it...and a break from work was the best place to start.

I bought a new calendar this week for 2007...a calendar "For Women Who Do Too Much." The quote for January 2nd was:
"Happiness comes when you least expect it, and rarely when you try to make it happen. (All we need to do is notice it.)"
I have been trying to make happiness happen for the past year...and I am finally seeing what that has done to me. I have lost time with Chris (which I never, ever wanted to do), I have lost time with Hubby and have allowed my body to suffer because of it. I have not been living my life... I have been trying to make myself live my life, and I just can't try anymore.

I need to re-learn how to live.

To backtrack back into what went on during the last week of 2006...
  • My FIL ended up being admitted to the hospital on December 22nd because they found (very early) the start of an infection in the bone of where his pinky toe used to be attached to (he had his toes on his left foot removed several years ago because of the original wound and infection). The infected bone was surgically removed and he will be on IV antibotics for about 1-2 weeks more. BUT, the great news is that the wound is finally beginning to close and that the hyperbaric treatments that he has been going to for weeks may actually close this wound for good - no graft needed! Keep your fingers crossed! It would finally put an end to this unending cycle of woundcare and infection he has been living with since 2002!
  • It was confirmed via MRI that my mom did, in fact, have a mini-stroke at some point in the past that caused her first fall... She is not on an aspirin regimine and has to follow-up with the doc to see what else needs to be done. Her bones from the falls are healing...but it takes her soooo long to do anything right now, and she tires so easily. Hopefully, now that we know what is happening, she will heal and be treated appropriately so she doesn't have another episode!
  • My dad's hip replacement is one week from today... Thanksfully, his insurance company and the surgeon's office has everything set in place and there are minimal questions going into it. Just have to work out with my sister who will cover what with getting my mom back and forth to the hospital...
  • Hubby started at the new office last week...and it has already proved to be a disaster. He has not yet gotten home when he hoped to, and he has already had to go up to the office (which is now 1+ hours away) to pick things up when he was missing something to work on from home. Not sure how long he is going to be able to keep this up - or me. But, for now, it is a paycheck that we need. He is increasing his search for a new job...
  • Chris ended the year with a lovely cold, which has since started to share with me and my MIL. Poor thing...he as been so miserable with it. But, it is finally on its way out.
  • Dr. S called me to tell me my TSH is up to 2.405 - Technically, still normal, but my TSH has been making a very slow crawl upwards now since June and it is not going back down at all. Since we are putting off TTC for a while, she decided to wait on starting meds - but, since I spoke with her, I have new questions on whether I may actually need to be on something. I have lost more weight (and fit very well into Size 8 jeans) without exercising at all, my heart is racing more often than not, my hands are still trembling, my hair is falling out, and I am tired all of the time. So, I left a message for her yesterday to talk about this and maybe start something sooner.
  • Of course, the higher TSH number is also coinciding with my higher stress level, so I may just need a higher dose of meds. I don't want to rely on Xanex when I have an anxiety attack (which still starts around dinner time, just not always as bad). Lexapro is treating me fairly well...but I made the decision to ask my doc to up the doseage to 10 mg yesterday. The holidays were rough to get through and although it has taken the edge off, it has not helped 100% to get my head a little clearer. He agreed and I started the 10 mg this morning. We will re-evaluate at the end of next week to see how the increase does.
There has been a lot going on in a short period of time. I understand that. And these are things I have no control over....But, I have to find a way to relax a little, enjoy my life again and live.

I met with Dr. P last week and he said I need to stop trying to make some things perfect when other things cannot be. I need to try to find time for myself, rediscover what I enjoy and try something like meditation or yoga. I need to live and love again...

Which is why I have been off the PC the bulk of the break. In trying to live and love last week, I realized how much I have lost touch with myself and those around me. I have forgotten what it was like to really have fun with Chris, relax with Hubby and sit quietly and read. I have lost interest in all of my interests....in the pursuit to heal.

The seemingly simple task of heading out to the mall to pick up some things I needed, like boots for me and clothes for Chris, was like torcher on Sunday afternoon as Hubby helped me to get through the trip and realize it just wasn't a big deal. I was crying in Sbarro's because I realized how much of a hermit I have turned myself into, thinking I was helping myself by immersing myself with those who felt the same way I do. I created anxiety for myself in my quest to feel better....

....And sometimes you just can't force yourself to heal.

This is not to say I will never be back on the message boards or blogs - I just need to balance that sharing with real life and live my life.

"Happiness comes when you least expect it, and rarely when you try to make it happen. (All we need to do is notice it.)"

This is my lesson...and what I need to learn to live.

So, in that vein, here is an "oldie" but goodie I would like to share. Yikes! I didn't realize this was from 1991! Guess you can tell what I listened to in High School! (and still do)...

Learning to Live
by Dream Theater

There was no time for pain
No energy for anger
The sightlessness of hatred slips away
Walking through winter streets alone
He stops and takes a breath
With confidence and self control

I look at the world and see no understanding
Im waiting to find some sense of strength
Im begging you from the bottom of my heart to show some understanding

I need to live life
Like some people never will
So find me kindness
Find me beauty
Find me truth
When temptation brings me to my knees
And I lay here drained on stength
Show me kindness
Show me beauty
Show me truth

The ways that your heart sounds makes all the difference
Its what decides if youll endure the pain that we all feel
The way that your heart beats makes all the difference
In learning to live
Here before me is my soul
Im learning to live
I wont give up
Till Ive no more to give

Listening to the city
Whispering its violence
I set out watching from above
The 90s bring new questions
New solutions to be found
I fell in love to be let down

Once again we dance in the crowd
At times a step away
From a common fear thats all spread out
It wont listen to what you say
Once youre touched and you stand alone
To face the bitter fight
Once I reached for love
And now I reach for life

Another chance to lift my life
Free the sensation in my heart
To ride the wings of dreams into changing horizons
It brings inner peace within my mind,
As Im lifted from where Ive split my life
I hear an innocnet voice
I hear kindness, beauty and truth

The way your heart sounds makes all the difference
Its what decides if youll endure the pain that we all feel
The way your heart beats makes all the difference
In learning to live
Spread before you is your soul
So forever hold the dreams within our hearts
Through natures inflexible grace

Although this song "dates" me a bit, it is really defining where I stand in my life right now... I am (re-)learning to live.