In a bit of a quandary....

So, I know, I know.... It's been a long time since I posted here. But, people are still reading and leaving comments of thanks to my posts.

....Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I am in a bit of a quandary right now. So, I am turning to the blogging world for a little bit of advice.

For the past 2 years, my whole self has been off - it's been very hard to explain, but most of it centers around my periods. I am okay....up until ovulation (since, I am in fact, ovulating!). Once that hits, I am a totally different person: moody, combative, overwhelmed by noise (including from my boys), unable to concentrate, forgetful, disinterested, eating everything in sight....the list goes on. The 3 weeks or so before ovulation is fine - I exercise, eat right, lose weight. Then, ovulation hits and I am out of commission for 3 weeks.

....This is getting really O-L-D....

I spoke to Dr. D at my annual last year - I opted to go up to 15 mgs. Lexapro. That worked for about 2 months...then it's been downhill from there.

I went for my annual yesterday with Dr. D (in his new posh office closer to my work - farther from my home) and I told him what has been building up for 2 years now. He said, guess what:

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/AN01372

Great...just great. Another disorder to add to my growing list!

**Thud**

He said there are a few options, of which some I have already tried and did not work, like the Lexapro increase (and I WILL NOT allow myself to go to 20 mgs. and have it not work after 2 months again!). There is one option which he said would most likely work:

....a minipill.

**Thud** **Thud** **Thud**

What am I supposed to do here? I have the MTHFR gene mutations....which can lead to clotting, right? And, what are one of the risks of the pill? You guessed it....clotting.

What the hell do I do now?

I need to get my life back here. I am losing time with my family...the family I fought for. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk my life over possible medical complications (and, yes, we have a will in place).

...I know I need to talk more with Dr. D....which I will do next week. He explained that this would be a non-estrogen pill, so it a much lower risk for clotting. That makes me feel a little better. I go for my annual physical next week, so I will have time to talk with Dr. M about this too.

I am just so unsure what to do right now. None of the conventional treatments have worked thus far, not even knowing this is what I am dealing with. I could use some input from anyone else who is dealing with the MTHFR issues right now....

Thanks.

Coming back...soon...

Dear blog - I have neglected you for quite some time. For that, I feel terrible.

But, I needed time to decide what to do with you. I am still not sure where I am going per se with this... However, one thing I want to be clear on is that, although life has not been easy, I will not:

• whine
• complain
• insult
• take for granted anything

about my life on this blog. I can't - that would be insulting to anyone who finds this blog.

More coming soon....

...and what the future holds, take two

Hubby and I were talking about my desire to be a stay-at-home mom the other night. He mentioned that he wasn't so sure I could be happy being a stay-at-home mom...that I might get bored, or need something to help me "identify" myself other than being a mom.

...Hummm...

...Well...

Now, I don't totally agree with him. I LOVED being at home with the boys over the summer - and, I may be more inclined to organize more things around the house if I were home all of the time. I could be around more for school stuff. Make some of the extra efforts I have to cut because of time.

However, being home without a "full time" job outside of raising my boys would give me a chance to do some things that, up until now, I have not really been able to do:

Volunteer.

I have always wanted time to volunteer time to some worthy cause(s) - to give back and help those who are going through the things I have gone through.

Long ago, I had thought of volunteering at a hospital in the pediatric/maternity area - if there is such a thing. Rocking the babies that need to be held. But, as idealistic as that sounds, I think my experiences through loss have refocused my thoughts on this...

...back to something I left behind about 13 years ago.

My psychology bachelors degree.

You see, I never was able to find a support group in my area to turn to for help when I needed it most. I was blessed to find Dr. P - from since I have "graduated" to not having to see anymore. He gave me that elusive male-perspective on my losses - and dug deeper into things that were not necessarily connected to the losses. However, what I lacked, save for the people I met though blogging and FF, was a connection to someone who had really been through what I had.

When Hubby and I were at the birth refresher class back in May, we had to go around and introduce ourselves to the class - explain our backgrounds, how many children we had, what complications we had.

There were a few with IF issues present.

...But, I was the only one who had been through recurrent miscarriage.

We kinda felt like the elephant in the room that evening.

I would really like to begin some kind of support group in my area - bring women together who need it through advertising in local ob/gyn offices and hospitals. Advertising in areas that are the most obvious for us who have been through a loss to look.

How to begin that? I am not sure. (Ideas are always welcome. *wink* *wink*)

I am going to start with calling the counselor who now has business cards in Dr. D's office (where was she three years ago???). And, calling Dr. P to see what he recommends (he is an Associate Professor at a local university).

I have not felt this strongly about something in a very long time.... I just hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to do it.

Remembering...and what the future holds

I lost my first baby angel four years ago today...my first inkling of what my future held, both good and bad.

I miss you, sweet one. Even though your time with me was the shortest of all, you are still remembered and held in my heart. You were a part of us - and that is something I will never forget.

I have learned so much in these past four years of joy and loss - not to take life for granted, to try not sweating the small stuff, to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have. To live my life again and let go of the hurts while remembering the impacts on my life.

As much as I miss all three of my angels and the anniversaries that surround you all still sadden me, I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Without those lessons, my family as it is now would not be here.

I have taken quite a hiatus from posting here...not sharing much from my three months off with the boys. I apologize for not sharing. And, I will get back to posting pictures and stories soon. However, I needed that time alone to reconnect with Chris and savor the new light in our lives, Gabriel. I wanted to horde my time with my boys for just me - rather old fashioned, I know. But, I wanted to be able to look back on those three months in my own way, like embracing an old photograph with the memories that are only yours. I worried for so long about going through another miscarriage, hardly enjoying the gift of this last pregnancy - I needed to have something for myself, that I could always treasure and enjoy and celebrate.

...Now, as I await the new template for my blog, I am trying to figure out where this blog will be going.

I don't want this blog to babble on about the "woes" of my life...especially about the difficulties of balancing two children while working. That would be a slap in the face to those who are going through their own journeys of of infertility and/or loss. And, it would be an even greater slap in the face to my own angels and experiences.

But, where is my blog going? I am not totally sure.

Now, there may be talk in the future of a third child - a big confession for me to be making right now, especially since Gabriel is still so young. And, especially because I didn't think I could put myself and my family through the uncertainty and nervousness of another 9 months. But, the thought is not our of our hears yet. We feel, right now, drawn to the thought of a third child - can't quite explain the draw, but it is there. And, surprisingly more on Hubby's part than mine. However, that "draw" depends a lot on finances and where we are emotionally. Whatever we decide, we will not "try" - it would be a more "let us live our lives and see what happens" thing. The one thing I cannot do is to put pressure on myself to TTC. If it is meant to be, it will be when the time is right - just like how Gabriel blessed our lives at the right time.

Other than that, I am trying to figure out where I am going...

The only thing I am sure of right now is of my #1 goal - to be a stay at home mommy sooner than later.

We have refinanced our mortgage - not an easy feat to do since we had soooo much paperwork to submit and sign. With that refi, we payed a lot of debts off, closed quite a few credit cards and paid off my Subaru. That leaves us now with our mortgage, one credit card and Hubby's big law school loan to pay off.

...And, Hubby starts a new job (finally!!!) on 10/1 with a big law firm in Roseland - higher pay, good health benefits, retirement plan, and eligibility for a pay raise already in January.

If we can save money now and Hubby can do well at this new job, then I hope to at least cut back on work to part-time sometime in the next 1-2 years.

From there, we will see where life - and my blog - takes us. I hope I can share that with all of you and still give those who are going through their journeys now some support.