Friday, February 29, 2008

February 29th: A Special Day to Remember

Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea a while ago to make today, February 29th, a very Special Day to Remember for the babies we have lost. Please go over and visit Calliope's blog, and the other blogs who are banding together today to remember the babies we have lost too soon.

It has not been until now that I have finally begun to enjoy this current, surprise PG. Every waking second, every appointment, every milestone in this PG has been overshadowed with what I have come to know all too well: Great betas (well, this one is directed to me specifically since I never got past the betas with any of my m/c's), first detection of heartbeats, great growth patterns, first kicks and punches does not mean a baby will come home with you at the end of those precious 40 weeks of pregnancy.

There has been so much loss lately....the reality of what can happen and what can go wrong is overwhelming. And, it is hard to ignore, even if the risks of something going wrong are "relatively low". I mean, recurrent miscarriage is supposed to only happen to a small percentage of women: about 4% of women to experience two losses; 0.16% of women to experience three losses.

How did I end up in that 0.16% anyhow? That wasn't supposed to happen.

I think that is what made enjoying this PG - one that seems to be progressing "normally," much like my PG with Chris did - hard to do up to this point. If I could be a part of that "elusive" club of recurrent miscarriers - that "elusive" 0.16% of women to experience three losses - who's to say this PG would result in a live sibling for Chris?

I dream of going to the jeweler and adding a new shoe charm in June for this little boy I am carrying to my bracelet I wear every day:


But, I push the dream aside sometimes because, well, will God allow me to bring another child home? The thought of adding another angel charm scares the hell out of me...and prevents me from partaking in the naive dreaming I once did during my pregnancy with Chris, when miscarriage was not yet a part of my vocabulary.

I guess what has been weighing on my mind lately is that the anniversary of my last m/c is coming up very 21 days. This loss was the hardest hit for me. The one that really knocked me down, heart and soul. I never imagined another miscarriage could ever happen. That I could be so sick with morning sickness and the baby could already be gone. That God could allow this to happen for a third time...and take another baby away from me.

I lost so much of myself on March 21, 2006... It has taken so long to find my way back - and it hurts me so much to see others losing themselves in this too.

Losing a baby is not supposed to happen. Not to me, not to anyone.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Latest updates on E2

We had another growth scan this 7:30 am. Can you say, WOW that's early! Even for me, who gets up at 5 am to primp! But, it is nice to go in to the appointment on time, get out ahead of time, and get into work before you expect to (not that I WANT to be here, but it is less time I have to make up somewhere else).

Anyways, E2 is measuring perfectly for 24 weeks - and is currently about 1 lb., 10 oz. with a heart rate of 140 bpm. I have no idea what Chris was estimated weight-wise at 24, I am not sure how that will predict (or as close to predict as possible) birth weight. That remains to be seen (or, felt, really).

E2 is currently breech - completely sideways across my abdomen and face down. It's no wonder why I get jabbed where I do right now if I move a certain way (he doesn't like it if I twist side to side)! Not really worried about it right now though... Little Angelina was breach at one point too. I am sure he will move eventually (although, I am spoiled since Chris was always face down at scans or appointments). But, I did tell DH that if E2 choses not to move and breech is still a possibility closer to delivery...I will opt for the c-section right away. I will not have an external cephalic version (ECV) done. Have you ever seen them on shows like Birth Day??? They are SCARY as hell when they show you how they do it on TV! And, its painful. And, it only works half the time.

...I think I'd rather have the incision scars.

E2 was being a little ornery today... Although the tech and the doc got good pics of the vital organs, he refused to move his hands away from his face. Figures. So, I am not even going to scan the pics today - none are clear, even though the tech tried to clear one or two of them. Next scan is not until April, hopefully he will be a little more agreeable then.

...I'm telling ya... I'm starting to get scared of his personality already. My mom better stop telling me that this one is going to have a completely different personality from Chris - I like Chris' funny, laid back nature. For example, E2 likes to kick when I am standing or walking around (especially when I am doing my make-up and hair in the morning) - Chris never, ever did that! I had to sit or lie down for his beatings. E2 likes to punch and kick low....I can feel it in my bladder and intestines like he's kicking a soccer ball. Chris liked to spar with the ribs - think karate (which he will be starting very soon). And, I mean ALL-THE-TIME.

Sure hoping this one is NOT like my older brother... Will be in major trouble if he is!

Alas, since I am not scanning any pics today (well, maybe I'll scan the best one and post it later tonight - depends upon the guilt laid on here for new pics)...I'll post one from his Level II in December where you can really see the features of his face:



Tuesday, February 19, 2008

24 weeks and...Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!

...and I don't mean the AF witch...or anything to do with pregnancy, TTC or miscarriage. I mean THIS witch!

So, the "situation" with the wing-nut Associate Director (which was dug much further than what I had posted back in August) is finally resolved as of today...after much red tape and hoopla (you know I work for a State get someone fired here requires much "i" dotting and "t" crossing). She is officially suspended without pay - starting 4:3o pm today through her "official" end of her appointment on May 30th. She was asked to clean out her office, which is done sometime before this morning (probably overnight with her DH...which was not uncommon to see things moved in her office in the matter of a few overnight hours). Her e-mail is being forwarded to our Assistant Director to review - that is, of course, if there is actually anything work-related in there, which is highly unlikely. She is being removed from every inch of our web site and mailing lists - the number of hits on our web site is more than cut in half already!

PHEW!!!! The drama is now over...and we can regroup and begin to work again in a cohesive manner. And, find a new Associate Director who actually wants to do the job hired for.

However, of course the matter may still not be "over." Depends upon if she gets the hair-brained idea of suing us for unlawful termination. She won't win that - there is too much documentation of the havoc she caused for the staff, the work she didn't do, the un-related, personal research she DID do on University/work time, and the bad-mouthing she chose to do with "colleagues" from the moment she started working here in June 2007. So, it would be pointless to sue us...but, then again, she is a totally unstable molecule and only time will tell if that will happen.

Luckily, my bosses will "shield" me from it if 1) it happens at all and 2) if I am named at all in it. They don't want the stress of the mess she made for me in August or thereafter affect this PG. I am grateful for that.

So, I am officially 24 weeks along today... Next growth scan will be Thursday. E2 is already turning out to have a different personality than Chris - he likes to kick me when I am standing up, which is something Chris never did. And, the nurse at my ob's appointment last week had to chase him around with the doppler because he didn't like it at all (took her a few shots to get him to lie still to get the heart rate). I will post pics and belly pics (well, belly pics as soon as they are taken anyway - have been really lax on that) later in the week.

I noticed today how bad I have been on posting here recently... I never even finished documenting the Vacation 2007 series, which I promise to do before E2 arrives in June. I don't want to forget the good time we had on vacation.

But, time has just been very short, between work, finally getting Chris' services in place (more on that later), the IL's house (which was officially boarded up on Valentine's Day - nice, huh?), preparing for maternity leave, having a cold that lasted for more than 2 weeks (which Chris now has and made himself puke Sunday night because of the coughing)...and so on and so on.

I am waiting for the slow-down...hopefully that will be soon so I can really get back to blogging.

Friday, February 08, 2008

A revelation on my faith

That church I pass on the way to work had another good saying this week...

"Faith makes things possible...
Not easy."

Well, if that isn't a reality check...

Not that I was ever expecting my faith to be easy - I wasn't. I never have, especially having chosen the faith I did. But, I could never allow myself to understand why the God I had faith in would take three precious lives away from me...and I think something has clicked.

Enjoying this pregnancy - and having faith this it would continue on this far - has not been easy. But, it is possible...and preparing for that possibility is starting to take form, happily.

I am at peace with that faith now.

I will post updates soon. I know I have been a little neglectful of my blog, but there just hasn't been a lot of time between work, potty training Chris (which was a challenge in the beginning, but we are doing very well!), and trying to figure out the IL's housing situation.

To that end, until I can get back for a real update, please keep my IL's in your prayers. They are moving out of their home of 35 years this weekend, moving in temporarily with Hubby's aunt and uncle across the street until they can decide what the next move will be: Move in with us and fix up the attic to accommodate them, or prepare for the possibility that they may be able to buy their house back as a "new buyer" instead of trying to salvage the mortgage that was foreclosed on. It is a strong possibility that they will be able to buy the house back...hence the temporary move in with Hubby's aunt and uncle. We would love for them to be back in that we ask for some prayers that might make that a possibility.