In a bit of a quandary....

So, I know, I know.... It's been a long time since I posted here. But, people are still reading and leaving comments of thanks to my posts.

....Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

I am in a bit of a quandary right now. So, I am turning to the blogging world for a little bit of advice.

For the past 2 years, my whole self has been off - it's been very hard to explain, but most of it centers around my periods. I am okay....up until ovulation (since, I am in fact, ovulating!). Once that hits, I am a totally different person: moody, combative, overwhelmed by noise (including from my boys), unable to concentrate, forgetful, disinterested, eating everything in sight....the list goes on. The 3 weeks or so before ovulation is fine - I exercise, eat right, lose weight. Then, ovulation hits and I am out of commission for 3 weeks.

....This is getting really O-L-D....

I spoke to Dr. D at my annual last year - I opted to go up to 15 mgs. Lexapro. That worked for about 2 months...then it's been downhill from there.

I went for my annual yesterday with Dr. D (in his new posh office closer to my work - farther from my home) and I told him what has been building up for 2 years now. He said, guess what:

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pmdd/AN01372

Great...just great. Another disorder to add to my growing list!

**Thud**

He said there are a few options, of which some I have already tried and did not work, like the Lexapro increase (and I WILL NOT allow myself to go to 20 mgs. and have it not work after 2 months again!). There is one option which he said would most likely work:

....a minipill.

**Thud** **Thud** **Thud**

What am I supposed to do here? I have the MTHFR gene mutations....which can lead to clotting, right? And, what are one of the risks of the pill? You guessed it....clotting.

What the hell do I do now?

I need to get my life back here. I am losing time with my family...the family I fought for. But, at the same time, I don't want to risk my life over possible medical complications (and, yes, we have a will in place).

...I know I need to talk more with Dr. D....which I will do next week. He explained that this would be a non-estrogen pill, so it a much lower risk for clotting. That makes me feel a little better. I go for my annual physical next week, so I will have time to talk with Dr. M about this too.

I am just so unsure what to do right now. None of the conventional treatments have worked thus far, not even knowing this is what I am dealing with. I could use some input from anyone else who is dealing with the MTHFR issues right now....

Thanks.

Another year older...but another year wiser??

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.

Crap.

Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Uh, I need some information

Apparently, Dr. D's office called on 11/19 (for which I didn't get the message until this past weekend when I cleaned out the old messages - Hubby never deletes old messages off the machine!) regarding my PAP test from my mid-October.

The PAP was normal, thank goodness.

However, the nurse mentioned I tested positive for the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV).

Uh, how???

I mean, I know how HPV is transmitted. But, does anyone know how long this could lie dormant and undetected? It has never come up in a PAP before - and, well, the only other person I had "been with" was back in 1995 (and protection was used).

...And, Hubby and I just celebrated 10 years of marriage in October, KWIM??...

How is this possible NOW??

Why do old habits die so hard?

I am totally exhausted today... Woke up around 4 am this morning after not sleeping soundly to begin with (again)...vacillating between freezing cold and sweating... nauseous... shaky... feeling like I was coming down with some sort of stomach bug...

...But, then I realized I was missing the prerequisite stomach pains and cramps that actually DO come with a stomach virus...and the pale skin tone...and I was hungry. So, I knew what was actually happening this morning.

I allowed myself to have an anxiety attack...which I haven't had since New Year's night...and a long time before that (before starting the Lexapro I had been on).

I forgot how they felt...until now, of course, in the post-attack, zombie-like state.

And, why did I allow this to happen? After having worked so hard with counseling and such since May 2006 to get past this self-inflicted state?

Well, the main thing is that I have been worried all weekend that I haven't been feeling E2 move that much...to the point that I wasn't sure if I should call my doc and look like an ass for being completely off my rocker (not that Dr. D would think that - but, that is my line of thinking) or try to figure out why I am perceiving him not moving as much as he is.

Because, in the end, it really IS my perception - and not E2 not moving that much. This morning, as I allow myself to step back a little bit from rushing around to get everything done, I am currently getting the crap kicked out of me...for which I am extremely grateful. I spent this past weekend with a jam-packed schedule - food shopping, house cleaning, laundry, baking cookies for Chris' nursery school special church service Sunday morning, preparing food for Sunday's dinner at our house after the church service, blah, blah, blah.

Life has been much busier with this PG compared to my PG with Chris...so I tended to notice more movement during the day back then. But, then again, these are things I know I can do normally and without any issues...and should not be affecting me now.

Although, now I realize that I need to slow down a little bit...and start asking for help, which I had learned to do in the past but have been reluctant to do recently. Who knows why.

I am doing too much and not allowing enough rest in between it all. I am trying to keep everything together, between work responsibilities (which have increased with trying to prepare for maternity leave and with the firing of the Witch, trying to get Chris' private therapy covered (more on that later...but I will say now we turned down the in-district school placement based on the private evaluation we had done), getting ready for the IL's to start the addition to our house (since, yes, they will be moving in with us and will be putting a full dormer on our third floor instead of just finishing the attic as-is), getting ready for E2's arrival which includes getting the room ready, trying to help Hubby in his job search (although, at least his current boss finally moved the office much, much closer to home! No more 1+ hour commute for Hubby!) and the every-day responsibilities of home stuff.

Add to that, I am still trying to get over this second cold (I have had two different colds now straight since 1/26 and the coughing with this cold has been horrible) and I am just not sleeping well (I have been way more physically uncomfortable with this PG than I was with Chris - Charlie horses almost every morning, Restless Leg issues if I try to sleep in my bed which is forcing me to sleep on the futon, hip soreness almost all of the time). I am trying not to complain about anything at this point...but, the lack of sleep is starting to make that task difficult.

I keep thinking that maybe, with everything that is going on right now, I should just break down and ask Dr. D to start me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro... I have been trying very hard to avoid that - although he has left the decision up to me with the caveat that is would be best not to be on anything since I am on other meds as it is. But, do I try to push on three more months this way and risk more anxiety issues coming up, or just bite the bullet and start taking the meds again to calm myself down?

Not sure what I should do here...although I know I need to really start doing something soon, before my house starts getting ripped apart. I want to do what is best for E2...and Chris...and me. But, I hate to consider meds now...as I am hitting 27 weeks today and in the last trimester of this PG. Makes me feel like a failure...

The dangling carrot (** Edited at end **)

This time next week (give or take a few hours - the appointment IS in the afternoon), I will be getting this done with Zia:

Spa Pedicure:

Enjoy a relaxing whirlpool bath with a light salt glow massage for feet and legs. Sea Serum is used to soften the roughest of areas, which are buffed until smooth. Each foot is brushed with a marine masque and wrapped. This treatment ends with an aromatic oil massage for both feet and legs.

Ahhh.... One hour of total, mind-erasing luxury....after several hours of shopping and dining.

That's my dangling carrot for the week, since my magic wand will probably be broken by then.

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Oh, can I mention how much my hubby ROCKS!! See what he sent me at work this morning, just because he knew I was having a hard time here:





All I wanted to do was cry this morning when I received them.

My passion feeds me

You know that "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar I have?? The one I have posted quotes from this past year?

Well, I got this one this morning....

"My passion feeds me.
* Don't ever get too busy for your passion"

And, you know what?

...I have become too busy for my passion.

Actually, I am not sure WHAT my passion is anymore!

How sad is that? But, when you worry about so many things that are beyond your control - and you learn how to shut it off - you realize that the worry, the sadness, the anxiety has robbed you of so many things.

I do have some passions in my life, like my Chris, my husband, my family and friends, my garden, reading, writing, baking, constant music of all genres, sharing my story of IF and Recurrent Loss. But, time has been short lately for most of them...like I mentioned in yesterday's post (Warped perceptions). I don't seem to have that drive to want to really pursue some of them, like reading and writing.

However...

Something has come into my soul that needs an outlet...

Something that has never been realized...

Something I tried when I was about nine years old and quit because it just wasn't me at the time... (besides, what do you really know anyway at nine years old??)

I've decided that, once these programs are over on August 4th (14 days away!!) and time is a little less fleeting, I am actually going to try my hand (**literally**) on playing an instrument.

Whoah!

Where'd that come from??

Well, I love - just LOVE - music. Almost all kinds (well, except for the hard-core, gangster rap - although I love the old-school rap of Run DMC)...especially prog rock (shocking, if you look at my current side-bar). Always have - there is not a moment in the car when something isn't playing on the radio or CD changer. My rides to school on the cheese bus were always with headphones on. My CD collection is very eclectic - from Broadway show tunes, to prog rock, to classic rock like the Beatles, the Who, to classical music, to dance/techno, etc., etc. People would think I am on some sort of trip if they really looked at what I have in my collection. But, I have this need to feel what the music is...the meaning of the songs I am listening to (which is really my main love for prog rock - there is always a hidden meaning somewhere). Sometimes I leave a CD behind (like Queensryche's Mindcrime II) because it just isn't clicking for me and go back to it months or years later until I "get it."

But, after seeing Rush in concert a couple of weeks ago, something changed in me... I am a huge, and I mean HUGE, Queensryche fan - have been for more years than I can count now. I can sing almost every lyric to every song (not that my voice is great, but to me when I am singing, it is. HeeHee!). I have seen them in concert about at least five times, have met the band at Meet & Greets about three times. They put on a GREAT show. Their music calls to me - radiates around things that have happened in my life and I can identify with.

BUT...

But, I can honestly say I have never walked away from a Queensryche concert truly emotionally moved... Inspired by the energy they give off to the crowd and the crowd fed back to them. Amazed that they are playing older songs like they are playing them for the first time. Truly grooving to the music they created as they play show after show after show...

That changed after leaving the Rush show...with me almost wanting to beg at their feet to play more.

Like, I would have EVER touched backstage at that show! Talk about pipe dreams!

Leaving that concert, I came to the realization that, although I love to listen to music, I need to feel the music too. Rockin' out to the music with my car windows open just isn't enough anymore.

Does that make sense?

So, after some thinking and pondering and grooving in the car, I've decided I want to try my hand at this:



Geddy Lee's Fender Jazz Bass Artist Series guitar that Hubby is buying for me tomorrow (used with a discount of course from the assistant store manager over at a local instrument shop that is owed to him - cool lookin' no?) along with this:



which is already sitting in my living room (my amp is a little different from this, but you get the idea).

Now, Hubby already being the guitar player that he is (uh, 30 years worth at this point!), HAS a purple bass guitar in the house - I have noodled with it already (with Chris, who LOVES it!). But, Hubby is so amazed that I have this passion to try my hand at an instrument (my dabble in playing anything was in the 4th grade when I tried flute - after 3 months, it was a disaster...no passion for it nor a desire to evey practice it!) that he felt I needed something superb to play to keep me going (and, well, if I hate it, HE has a great bass guitar!). Plus, he feels that since I am math inclined anyway, bass is perfect for me since it is really a "mathematician's instrument" to play.

So, we will see where this goes over the next few months. We are going to try to set aside 45 minutes one night a week to really give me lessons (any music reading is LOOOONG gone from my brain, and we are going to try to get it back), and see how much I have a desire to play on my own...

Whoah!

Am I sure I really want to do this?!?!

I am excited...and maybe this will give me the chance to relax and forget a bit and let other things happen when they should...

Warped perceptions

Busy, busy, busy... Feels like life is revolving around me and I can't ever catch up anymore.

...So may blogs I haven't been able to read lately. ...My BG's ignored or if I am lucky, minuscule posts left. ...So many journeys I have had to leave by the wayside. ...My "real life" friends and family putting off plans until I can get through the next few weeks and reappear with my July from hell at work over and done.

How did I do this nine years ago when the programs were six weeks long, not two?

How did I have the patience for the stupid questions these participants have, like "Oh, the hotel van is five minutes late, what do I do?"

...and these people teach our kids in school... SCARY!

Remember when I said I had a good feeling about TTC in June/July (see How much do your trust your instincts?)?

That's in the trash now. I feel no hope or optimism at all.

Nada.

No ovulation this month...after using two boxes of daily ovulation tests. Delays with Dr. D's office setting us back, which helped "produce" the lack of ovulation this month (well, at least it produced something!)... And even if this cycle had progressed right, or I had ovulated on my own, I doubt anything would have worked since I am just dragging myself in from work right now anyway.

...In no mood to DTD.

...More delays...

I've been thinking lately about some of the things that people have either posted to me on my blog, or e-mailed me, or posted on other blogs... The things that make me "look" as if I have it all together... That I am more confident in who I am. Like:

"I love that your blog about something as painful as infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is entitled "My Many Blessings". It is just that grace and humility that astounds me on a daily basis about the infertility blogosphere, " from Karen at My Perky Ovaries

"You are in such a good place with all of this, Tina. I'm envious. You've worked very hard at it and you deserve the reap the rewards," from Adrienne at Max's Mommy

From Mel's blog over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters:

Redefining Me (referring to an older post): I had a really hard time choosing, but this post spoke to me just a little bit more than the others that I was considering. Tina has come so far in the past year, and this post really shows that. The perspective and peace she has attained with regards to her recurrent losses is inspiring. This post is a reflection on moving forward and loving the now, but still holding the past and the lessons learned in a special place.
from the Friday Blog Roundup Extravaganza

"My Many Blessings was the first blog I came across that wrote about miscarriage. In addition to stories about her son, she shares stories about her three lost babies. It was comforting to read about positive things in her life despite such heartache shortly after my own loss. It appears that she has many readers, but she takes the time to respond to comments despite her hectic life. I really appreciate the help she has given to me during my grieving process"
from Secret Ode Day #2

I wanted to thank all of you - the ones I know and the ones who remain nameless - for the kind comments you have left for me (there are more that I keep stashed in my e-mail...that I don't ever want to throw away). The BIGGEST thing your comments have given me is the sense that my journey has at least helped someone get through their own heartbreak. I suppose that is one of the things we all hope for when we open our lives up for everyone to read. It is heartwarming to know that my life can touch another's - and I don't even need to meet them face-to-face.

But, sometimes, when I read these comments, I wish I knew who you were talking about. These comments don't sound like me to me...especially right now. Make sense?

I guess I am just tired and overworked... I can't say I am in a BAD mood - at least I am not off my rocker like I was pre-Lexapro (even with being off of it for a month now). But, I am frustrated... I want to be back to TTC again and I want my workload to lighten to allow for that.

I just need to get through to August 4th...then I can kick everyone out and go back to "normal."

I wish I knew what to do about TTC now... I have to talk to Hubby over the weekend (err, really Sunday since I have to work all day tomorrow) about it. Do I take Provera now (my secret stash from last fall) and urge the Red Storm to arrive early and start Clomid possibly during the next program? Do I be patient a wee bit, then take Provera, lather, rinse, repeat? Do I wait to see if my period shows all on my own...and risk starting this cycle and monitoring while in vacation over the week of Labor Day???

I gotta think...with half a brain...

Thanks, Rush, for this:

Far Cry
by Rush

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen
Barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune
Electrical changes are charging up the young

It's a far cry from the world we thought we'd inherit
It's a far cry from the way we thought we'd share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I'm on top of the world
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on
One day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel,
And the next it's rolling over me
I can get back on
I can get back on

Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back, and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising, lays silver at your feet

You can almost see the circle growing
You can almost feel the planet glowing
One day I fly through a crack in the sky
And the next it's falling in on me
I can get back on
I can get back on

I do feel that "one day I feel I'm ahead of the wheel, and the next it's rolling over me."

Unsure of what I am feeling these days

I've been MIA for a while... Work has been kicking my ass, with preparing for two back-to-back summer programs (7/17-7/24 and 7/29-8/4), seven reports to submit to our funding sources, and a dumb as can be space survey for our department which will garner us no extra cash. All of this has to be done before July 31st - and I am drowning in the work.

Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?

Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!

Anyways, first and foremost...

Speaking of the Hubby...




...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!




WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!

Waaaaay cool!

He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...



...I should be quitting working full time!!!



Woohooo!



So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.

The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.

The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...

...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.

I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.

...So, we are waiting until we hear something.

Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.

...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.

I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:





...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.

I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...

I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!

On the medical front:

I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.

Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??

I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?

I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.

...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.

Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.

Talk about being a baby about this.

But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.

...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).

It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.

...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:

"No pressure to get prego the 2nd time around, but when you want it so badly, it takes that much longer. It'll happen when you least expect or try for it. Easier said than done, I know! I know a few people with fertility problems, they haven't gotten pregnant once. It's a blessing that you know you can get pregnant. That's half the battle."

We were bantering back and forth (politely and from what I thought was professionally) about our kids...and she asked when we were going to TTC #2. I gave her this response (since she was overstepping her bounds after only corresponding for a few weeks and prying):

"Things have not turned out quite like we planned and had hoped a second would have already happened."

and had hoped she would have left it at that. Even with infertile friends, I guess she doesn't get when to end the conversation. But, since I am out about my IF anyway, I might as well set the record straight with this:

"Actually, it took us 18 months to try to conceive our son and it only happened with my ob's intervention with meds and an IUI procedure. And, the big issues now are recurrent miscarriages along with the fertility issues. So, I can certainly understand where your friends are coming from, although I am very, very lucky to finally have my son. So, we will see what the future holds."

We'll see of this slows her down a bit.

So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...

...I'll be back to report...

...If I manage to get a straight answer.

*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!

Here are the scenarios we are to follow:

1. If this cycle is a BFN, we are going to start with Clomid/IUI in the next cycle!! WooHoo!!
2. If I don't ovulate within the next week or so, or basically don't get a new cycle going within a month and I am not PG, we will induce a period (...which I still have a Provera bottle untouched in my medicine cabinet for!!!) and start the cycle then.
3. If I do ovulate this cycle, we will try one more cycle on our own and see if I ovulate. If I do and I still get a BFN, then we are on to Clomid/IUI after that. He is not making us wait 6 months to try on our own. ...Then again, I don't have to be too truthful with this and I can just call and tell him I got a new cycle without an ovulation...
   

So, we finally have some movement! I am relieved now...and some of the stress is off for a while...

My mind is elsewhere today

I should be catching up on work today... I was out sick for two days, and I have A LOT to catch up on.

But, I am not.

Instead, I am on FF, looking at my own chart (what there is of it anyway), cruising through the March due dates threads that are starting. I am blog surfing. Reading. Commenting. Good practice, though, for the Comment-a-thon coming up (I am committed to 50 posts!).

Daydreaming...

Hoping...

Yeah, hoping... What's that??

Not working.

I feel terrible. The student I hired as a program assistant is working her fanny off, getting some things done for me that I have not had time to do at all here. She comes in with questions. Jobs done.

And, I am wasting time.

This whole "I ovulated on my own" thing has me in unchartered territory... Well, at least for me anyway. It is making me uneasy. Not angry. Not scared (well, maybe a little scared). Just, well, unsure of what is to come. I am not used to my body working like it should. I am used to winging it: Guessing when I might get a period. Dealing with weeks of PMS and biting Hubby's head off before a period shows. It's so strange for me to sit here and think I have had three cycles in four months. I am not used to it...and I am afraid of getting used to it, in case it stops.

In my wasting time session today, though, I just realized something: My FF "test date" is on June 27th - by second angel could have been one year old. How's that for irony. I'm okay with it, though. Really. Maybe it will bring this surprise cycle a little luck.

I am not going to wait that long to test, though. I don't have that luxury. I need to know as soon as possible so my endocrinologist can up the Levoxyl and give me the best possible shot at this working - if I get a positive, that is.

In some ways, I feel like such a "newbie" again. It feels good in a way...reminds me that, even though I have learned a lot through my experiences, I still don't know everything. It's humbling.

I better get my work groove on... I have a report to file that is overdue (not by my fault, thank goodness!) and grant money is riding on it!

The follies of Dr. McC's staff, part....Uh, well, who knows!

I'm home again from work... Sick again. With what, you ask? We "think" strep throat, but since I actually never got swabbed for it, it is just speculation and I am on antibotics for it.


Please, let me back up and explain from the beginning...


I finally got over the sinus/double ear infections as chronicaled in Whish, whish... Ring, Ring... Took a while for the Levaquin to work, but it finally did and I was able to get back to walking, work, life, etc.

But, then, things started to go down-hill on Tuesday night. While putting Christopher to sleep, I fell sound asleep too. So asleep, there was no way in hell I was going to take my make-up off (I did manage to at least pry out my contacts, though). Of course, falling asleep like that is not uncommon these days because of the Hashi's...so I didn't really think of it, until...

I woke up Wednesday morning with a rip-roaring, raging sore throat. Could barely swallow. I couldn't see anything red in there, the pain was too low in the throat at that point.

Despite the pain and burning, I went in to work. I pulled the full day, but as the day progressed, I started to get achy, tired, feverish. By the time I was at my mother's house to pick Chris up, I wanted to just get home. Once we did, I made grilled chicken, rice and peas for dinner - I was lucky to get some peas and rice down my throat.

To try to head things off at the pass, especially since I had just finished antibiotics for the last adventure, I called Dr. McC's office and left a message explaining what was happening. I barely slept the entire night - every time I fell asleep, I woke up with my throat screaming and burning.

Thursday morning, I called out sick from work. My MIL came to pick up Chris to take him around the corner so I could get some rest. But, despite my best efforts to not breathe on him, Chris was already getting a fever.

Crap.

By 10 o'clock in the morning, I still hadn't heard from Dr. McC - and, Chris puked up the milk he had a little while before. His temp was way up, and he didn't puke up his breakfast, so I think the fever was what caused the puking. My MIL gave him motrin since tylenol didn't so a damned thing, and he was beginning to perk up within a half hour.

I decided to call Dr. McC again to see what he wanted to do...had to leave another message. Then, the follies began...

One of the nurses called back around 11 o'clock and said that, since I left in my message that I could potentially be pregnant, Dr. McC didn't want to treat anything without knowing. He wanted me to go for a beta. So, I tried to clarify with the nurse that I was only 4 DPO and that a beta test would absolutely come back negative right now - I wanted to let him know that I could potentially be PG and to give me something safe so if it turned out I was, I would begin to feel better without hurting anything. She put me on hold and explained to him what I said - he still insisted on the beta.

So, off I went to his office, half in a coma, to pick up the lab slip. It was CLEAR from the nurse on the phone that he wanted me to have the beta done at the lab down the street to do the test - they could not do it in his office. When I got there, I asked the nurse that, since I was there anyway, did he want to take a look at my throat - by 1 o'clock, my tonsils and eppiglotis was swollen, huge and scarlet red, and white spots were forming all over the place. NASTY!!!! She said no, he wanted the beta done.

I walked out with the slip, went to the lab, had the worthless beta drawn, and went home. Hour by hour, my throat was getting worse - I couldn't eat anything other than sherbet, and drinking was very difficult. I figured out this morning that I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds from the illness-induced diet). More phone called passed between me and Dr. McC's office staff - I was miserable, Chris puked a second time at my MIL's house (after his afternoon nap, when his fever spiked again - but, he kept his lunch down, only barfing the milk he drank a little while before), and I just couldn't help my son while he was sick.

Finally, around 4:30, I spoke to Dr. McC's office again (have I mentioned yet that I still HAD NOT talked to Dr. McC myself yet???) and asked could they call my ob/gyn and ask him what he would suggest? I couldn't keep going on like this.

Hubby called me around 5:15 to ask if Dr. McC's office had called back - I said no. So, he called Dr. D personally to ask him what to do. A few minutes later, Hubby called back and said to watch for a Dr. K to be calling - Dr. K is the head of the practice that shares space with Dr. D. He also had been listed several times in New York Magazine's Top Doctors list:



He called me around 5:45 and asked me what was happening - what my throat looked like (nothing short of a horror movie at this point), if I had been swabbed for strep yet, etc. I explained to him that Dr. McC was insisting on this beta, which I KNEW would come back negative right now since it just wasn't long enough past ovulation to show anything. I was miserable and could barely keep my head up, between lack of sleep and lack of eating.

He then asked me, quite jokingly if my GP refused to treat women for anything for two weeks out of every month just because they could be PG?? He said that if this was strep - which it certainly sounded like to him, but of course we could never be sure since the swab was never done - that it was WAY more important to treat it now than to let it go waiting for a beta that would not show positive yet. So, he asked for my pharmact number and called in a Z-pac for me immediately.

What a nice guy - it is no wonder now that Dr. D moved into the same office space with him.

I started the antibiotic last night. After I took my first pills, Dr. McC's office called again to ask me where I had the beta done. Uh, WTF question was that???? The girl said Hubby had called in between sometime and had thought it was done in his office. I told her, no, I was told to go to the lab and have it drawn - and, while we were at it, I told her I KNEW it was going to come back negative because impantation doesn't occur for 5-7 DPO, and it takes a little time for the HCG to show. But, she replied with this is what Dr. McC wanted. So, I responded that she might as well tell Dr. McC not to worry about it now - I had the Z-pac and I had already started it.

I am feeling slightly better, but not by much yet.

Of course, I finally get a call from Dr. McC himself at 8:15 this morning... He said the beta was negative (SHOCKING!) and that he would call in an antibiotic. So, I asked him if he got a message from the nurse last night. He said no, why? I proceeded to tell him I already had the Z-pac from my ob/gyn's office and that I didn't need it.

Then, the irony of it all statement happened:

Dr. McC said, "That's good. I would have preferred your ob/gyn handle it."

Uh, WHY, oh WHY didn't you SAY THAT at 11 am yesterday??? I could have had the freakin antibiotic hours before!!

Oi! I am beginning to wonder if I should look for a different GP practice.

So, I am not pregnant...at 4 DPO. Anyone surprised about that?

ETA: My strep and Chris' was confirmed on Saturday. Chris' pediatrican swabbed my throat after saying "EWWWWW!" when he looked at it. Chris is on antibiotics now (his first time!). I just finished mine. Let's hope we ALL stay healthy!

Damn it, Anxiety! I will NOT let you win!

So, I am down to 5 mg Lexapro solid right now...and I start coming off completely next Tuesday.

...Except, I am now starting to get physical glimpses of how the anxiety affected me all of 2006... I am getting that sore throat, that achy feeling all over my body, the stomach tightening, the racing heart. It is not as bad as it was...

....But, I am not happy about it, as you can well imagine.

I am determined to NOT let anxiety win this time. Damn it, I worked too hard to heal. I worked too hard to accept my life as it is. I have worked too hard to get to a comfortable place with TTC again.

Damn it, Anxiety! I will NOT let you win this time!

Come hell or high water, I will be off Lexapro. I will get to TTC again. I want this now more than ever. I deserve another chance, even if it doesn't work out in the end. I am finally ready to try again, and I want my chance!

I bought my OPK's (the 20-strip Answer package, just to see if I might be ovulating on my own for a change) and HPT's (just for the hell of it...although those I will hoard until the actual TTC cycle). I faxed over the go-ahead to Dr. D last week. I am emotionally ready...

...Just trying to kick the physical me into shape!

Whish, whish... Ring, Ring...

Do any of you hear this sound????

Whish, whish...

Ring, Ring...

Whish, whish...

Ring, Ring...

Well, that is about all I hear in my right ear right now. Lovely, no?

I have been sick with Chris' cold since last Tuesday - yep, a full week of this crap, and I don't see it getting any better on it's own. Luckily for me, I need not suffer alone: My MIL, FIL and Hubby's grandmother all have it too.

How is Chris, you ask? Well, relatively fine except for a minor cough here and there (only lasted for him about 4 days...although he likes to "pretend" that he still is when I get in the middle of a hacking session - how's that for empathy!).

So, I am off to the doctor's today to see if he can help. My head is so plugged up, as is my right ear, and I am still achy, cold, and exhausted.

SUCKS!!!

And, I am at work.

Double SUCKS!!!

But, I did have a good laugh for myself over the weekend. We had a yard load of company yesterday after Chris' parade debut for the nursery school he is in and I ended up timing my 24-hour urine test to check my iodine levels (yep, this was MY request - what a moron!) on the same day. Have you ever had to explain why there was a cooler in the bathroom before?? It was highly embarassing to have to tell people who asked about it that I had to pee in a container and then chill it for 24 hours so the lab could run the test. Then again, I guess I shouldn't be that embarassed about it...they were dumb enough to ask!

Hopefully Dr. McC can DO something for this!

Oh, did I mention that The Lady in Red is still here too? I am happy - really - because I have managed to go through a bag of maxi pads in less than 2 months. Quite the record for someone who normally doesn't have to invest in them more than twice a year. But, well, the timing just triple sucks. But, I'll take it!

ETA: The verdict is in: Sinus infection and double ear infection! Just haven't started feeling anything yet in the left ear! Lovely. So, I am on Levaquin for 5 days and Nasonex to try to relieve the congestion. So far, they have done zippola in the feeling better department... Impatient, no?

Did I ever mention I hate Swiss Cheese??

I had my Thyroid ultrasound yesterday morning...

Do you know how hard it is NOT to swallow when someone is pressing on your neck with an u/s transducer?? VERY hard! So hard, some pics had to be re-done.

Anyways, Dr. S took quite some time to complete the u/s - about a half hour or so for such a tiny gland, and printed out more u/s pics than I think were taken of Chris and my IUI u/s monitorings combined! But, she was very thorough, which is always a good thing in finding out what exactly is wrong with you!

She said my thyroid gland looked like a butterfly-shape of Swiss Cheese - which is what she was expecting to see with Hashi's and my antibody levels. So, the gland was "normal" for what is going on - but, of course, abnormal as compared to a normally-functioning thyroid gland. She found two very small nodules on the right side of the gland (.45 cm and .18 cm) - hence the number of u/s pics she took and the repeated squashing of my neck with the transducer. They would be too small to biopsy for cancer screening, but because they look solid and not cystic or fluid-filled, they are considered non-cancerous at this point. She will repeat the u/s in 6-12 months, depending upon symptoms and bloodwork, and repeat the u/s at least yearly to watch for changes in size, texture and numbers of nodules. If I find I feel my gland getting larger, I need to contact her so she can check the growth of the nodules again. She said the nodules are very new, because the radioactive tests I had done in September showed no nodules at all.

Now, I just wait until mid-May to repeat the thyroid b/w and see where I stand with my TSH levels. If they are below 2.0 (ideally, between 1.0 and 2.0), then TTC can be a GO for June/July. If they are not, TTC is still my choice to make - but, I plan to wait until the levels are down to where they need to be.

Of course, though, discussing the results last night with Hubby led him and I into a more in-depth discussion on how we want to proceed with TTC...

Hubby is, above all, most concerned about the impact of TTC again on my mental health. He wants to make sure that I am really ready for this - if really ready at all - because he does not want to see me fall off the edge again should another miscarriage happen. He wants to know from Dr. D and all the docs involved in my care what exactly the chances are of another miscarriage, knowing all that is wrong with me now.

It is very sweet of him to think this way - to put my feelings and health above all other decisions regarding TTC. Above the thought of having another child. Not many men would think this way - really, not all men care about the whole TTC process in general and just let the women handle it. So, it is very nice for him to worry, although I don't think I need him to right now.

I explained to him that I am really okay about TTC again - that I can talk about it without the anxiety creeping in. I can think about the possibility of another miscarriage, and not freak out and panic. I can acknowledge that we might not have another child, and be okay with what life may give us. The HUGE difference about TTC again now and starting to TTC #2 back in July 2005 (and more importantly, TTC after miscarriage #2 in November 2005) is that I KNOW I have the potential to miscarry again. I am prepared for and aware of that possibility - I can't be blindsided by having morning sickness but the pregnancy not being viable again. I know miscarriage is always going to be a possibility, and I am more aware of the fact I may have to be given that news again.

I also have more HOPE than before - I know what is wrong with me now, and it is being treated by doctors who are really on top of the respective conditions. A year ago, I never knew what a homozygous MTHFR mutation was...nor did I know anything about thyroid disease. Knowledge has brought forth some hope in my heart - and the doctors being aggressive about the care has brought even more hope to me.

But, I, too, need to know what my chances are - real percentages here - of another miscarriage...so as not to be blindsided again by news I don't want to hear.

I suggested to Hubby that he call Dr. D's office and talk to him about it, or ask about having another consult to go over the new stuff. We didn't know about the Hashi's when we went in for our TTC consult back in November (it was still being looked into at that time)... So, what he told us about our chances of another miscarriage is no longer correct. We need an update and some real information. I also want to know if maybe we should get more aggressive in the overall TTC method - Clomid vs. injectibles. In November, he was leaving that decision to me - and I opted to do two rounds of Clomid first with him before moving on to injectibles with the clinic. But, with Hashi's now being in the overall picture, maybe being more agressive from the start - having a better ovulation - might be best? I need to know that opinion.

I know the miscarriage dangers really lie in the conditions NOT being treated at all. Since they are being treated, my chances have dropped dramatically. BUT, I think we still need to know the chances of miscarriage, even with treatment.

More to come...

Is it just me...

....Or, do people just don't want to do their jobs anymore???

I went to Dr. McC's office for my "alleged" 5:00 pm appointment... I say "alleged" because, well, I have a feeling everyone can figure out what happened yesterday...
















Yep, they had no record of a scheduled appointment for me at 5:00 pm in their computer! So, after I left work early (skipping my lunch) to get there and sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes, they finally call me to the window and say, "We don't have you in the schedule."

So, having just come off my PMS-bitch tyrade that I now get in the one to two weeks before I get my periods now, I told the girl at the window that 1) I didn't come here to wait for an appointment just because I had nothing better to do with my time, 2) I didn't skip my lunch and leave work at 3:30 pm because I was bored there and had no work to do and 3) she better find out if I can get in with the doc TODAY since I took the time to get there and the dope who made the appointment should have hit the ENTER key to schedule my appointment in the first place (like, duh! I had a confirmation card in my calendar!)!

All I can say is they are lucky this was not Tuesday or Wednesday, when I was slightly more homoc.idal than yesterday...

Anyways, I did finally get in to see Dr. McC - except it was 7:15 pm instead of the 5:00 pm scheduled time. I didn't leave the office until 7:45 pm = I was starving!

*** This is where Tina must remember if she doesn't get a confirming phone call for my next appointment on May 14th, then she had better call the office to confirm herself!!! ***
Anyways, I did obviously get in and we made some progress in the appointment yesterday...

1. Dr. McC is going to re-run the full auto-immune blood panels, now that Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (auto-immune thyroid disease) is confirmed. He decided that since I now have a diagnosed auto-immune issue and my mom has several different auto-immune disorders, it would be best to re-run the panels. Sometimes, issues remain dormant until one is confirmed, and we don't want to get surprised later on if something develops and he didn't test for it.
2. He agrees with Dr. S about the Hashimoto's and doesn't think I will lose any more weight from the Levoxyl. It should hold my weight where it is (141 pounds again).
3. I told him about Dr. S' thought that my blood pressure last week was low (she measured it as 99/65). So, he checked it a few times and looking back in his records, it seems to hang around 104/66. He is not worried about that right now - it seems to be my normal, especially since losing 30 or so pounds.
   
4. He is going to call Dr. D about how to handle my being on Lexapro and TTC again. Since June/July might be the target time for it, he is going to have me come back on May 14th to see if either I can start coming off it completely (average time to be on meds is six months, so I might be ready by then to come off it) or see if Dr. D would consider letting me switch to Zoloft, which should be safe to TTC on. Obviously, I need to be off Xanex completely...

So, now I have to wait for my thyroid u/s on April 10th, this next appointment with Dr. McC and repeat thyroid b/w in May and my follow-up endocrinologist appointment on July 2nd. Hopefully, all signs will be a GO for TTC in June/July - just gotta see if Dr. D will be closing his office for the July 4th holiday again this year (his office is usally closed for the week) so that we can time Provera, Clomid and IUI!

Keep your fingers crossed!

I think I'm turning Hypothyroid... Yes, I really think so!

By some miracle, Labcorp sent the thyroid panel I had done late Tuesday afternoon to my GP by yesterday morning! Not sure how that happened - once in a lifetime event, I suppose. Usually it takes their slow-asses at least a week to get the results over...

Anyways, so, here are the new numbers (given over the phone by a receptionist who couldn't tell me which was the T3 reading and which was the T4 reading - so, of course I requested hard copies to be sent and there very well may be changes to make to the results list. I will edit the post as needed when I get the copies):

TSH:

• from July 15, 2006: 2.555
• from August 15, 2006: 1.964
• from September 22, 2006: 2.012
• from October 27, 2006: 2.204
• from December 4: 2.405
• from March 13, 2007: 3.2
• Average range limits: 0.350-5.500

T3:

• from July 15, 2006: Not run
• from August 15, 2006: 26
• from September 22, 2006: 24
• from October 27, 2006: 33
• from December 4: (have to break out my results for this)
  
• from March 13, 2007: 129 (this is the result I am questioning - it may only be 29)
  
• Average range limits: 24-39

T4:

• from July 15, 2006: 12.1
• from August 15, 2006: 13.6
• from September 22, 2006: 7.2
• from October 27, 2006: 7.1
• from December 4: (have to break out my results for this)
• from March 13, 2007: 6.7
• Average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Free T4:

• from July 15, 2006: not run
• from August 15, 2006: 3.5
• from September 22, 2006: 1.07
• from October 27, 2006: 2.3
• from December 4: (have to break out my results for this)
• from March 13, 2007: not run
  
• Average range limits: 1.2-4.9
  

Now, the receptionist said Dr. McC was informing me that the numbers are all normal - however, I know when I go see Dr. S next week, she is going to disagree with that. She uses the 3.0 TSH reading as the signal for Hypothyroid - obviously, I am over that now. So, I know I will be starting meds next week. And, I am fine with that - I knew I would anyway if my TSH wasn't below 2.0. Maybe I can finally get rid of this linguring fatigue, achiness and constant sore throat, foggy brain, constantly feeling cold when it is not cold at all and other stuff: all signs of a thyroid problem. And, if I am lucky, some of the anxiety may go with it too. Horray!

Will post most updates about this next week after seeing Dr. S on March 23rd. Until then, I promise I will post the "injury" pics from yesterday - I modeled them for DH last night, but I was too whiped to bother saving the pics to Photobucket and post them. Will do that tonight!

I feel like a total horse's ass right now...

...Okay ladies, if you don't know already that rubber-soled shoes catch on linolium tiles, let this be your lesson:



I decided I needed some excitement in my life and fell today at work!



Of course, as is my style, I couldn't do this in some dramatic fashion, like, oh, lunging to catch a falling cat out of a tree, or pushing someone out of the way of a large stack of falling boxes...

So much for my acting career!

Oh, no! I felt I just had to trip in my shoes on the way to the bathroom and fall chin-first into the linolium tile.



I promise to post pics later tonight (watch for the update here on this post) - the nice doctor was kind enough to take a pic on my cell phone (his idea, actually) of the gash before he stitched it closed. I now have 3 stitches on my chin-line, and a lovely eye-gawking band-aid over it.

What an ass!

Well, hey! The one good thing is that at least I am laughing about it! If this has been a few months ago, I probably would have been in tears!

Random thoughts while walking

I told myself a while ago that if it broke 35 degrees outside, I would go walking. Well, it was about 41-42 degrees, so I figured I better get my fanny out there and hit the track.

While I was out there, some random thoughts came to me - they usually do while I am walking, especially when I am the only one out there. Here is what was running through my head today...

1. Next time I go out walking, I better remember to charge my portable XM Radio receiver first thing in the morning. I didn't realize that it held a charge for so little time (I charged it last week - thought it might work more like a cell phone battery - NOT!). So, I walked with my earbuds in and no music. *roll eyes here* Well, it wasn't bad though...it was like my usual walks: quiet and peaceful. That is why I go out and walk the two miles anyway, right? Peace and quiet.
   
2. Apparently the University cannot figure out how to drain the track properly - they put in an astro-turf section in a quarter of the field last summer and since then, the water pools everywhere. One of the drains is even half out of the ground. Can you say it was WET out there?!?!?! That's okay - I got my new walking sneakers dirty last week walking in the snow anyway - I figured the pools of water would wash some of that off (it did - smarty me!). So, you are probably asking: Did she play in the puddles???? You betcha!!! It was great - like I was playing mudpies in my old backyard when I was only 5 years old. Talk about getting back to nature... It was kinda neat, though, to watch the pools randomly streaming and pooling and streaming again in various spots of the track- random, yet calming to watch (minus the rocks of calm stream or a high waterfall).
3. I think the loud, repeating quacking of the Canadian geese means, "You mean to tell me that freakin' beotch is out here walking and disturbing our meal again??" Every time I rounded the last quarter of the track, the huge flock (and I mean huge - like 50 of them!) of geese would start their loud, nasty quacking and would shift direction away from me. I think they were high-5'ing each other when they saw me leave the track. Better start wearing a cap outside or else I am going to get pelted when they fly off... EWWWWW!
   
4. Two miles just doesn't take that long anymore - I am out of the building, walking over to the track, walking my two miles and back in forty-five minutes. Maybe, when it is not as wet outside, I might lengthen the walk to 2 1/2 or 3 miles...
   
5. Sometimes, when trying to cross the street to get back to my side of the campus, people are actually willing to stop and let you cross. Usually, even though there are clearly marked cross-walks for the University population to cross at, the cars going flying by and rarely stop to let the pedestrians have the right of way (if they do, you usually get "the bird"). Some nice student did today for a change - which was nice, but I won't get used to it.
6. Lastly, I realized that my fits of anxiety are starting to get a little less now... I have stayed consistently on .25 mg of Xanex at night ever since 1-2 weeks before my appointment with Dr. McC on February 15th and even with that low dose, I am constantly oversleeping my alarm in the morning (I can't tell you the last time I did that). When I do, I don't find myself freaking out like I was before - I just hop in the shower, get dressed, eat breakfast. If I am a few minutes late for work, no one asks "What happened? Why were you late?" Not sure why they would ask anyway, since no one ever shows up before 8:30 am except for me. I still am getting the achy-skin feelings toward the end of the day, but even that is subsiding some now and is not as frequent... If I keep this up, maybe - just maybe - I can start cutting back on the meds and consider those three little letters again (I mean TTC...shhhhh! Don't want to talk too soon!). We shall see... Maybe summertime might be a nice time to try...

Now, I have to see if I can manage to sneak out tomorrow when I am home and Chris is at nursery school.... HeeHee! Supposed to be a lovely one tomorrow and no way I am going to miss that!

Where is your "Safe Place"?

I finally started using a guided imagery CD last week - I am a little behind on getting to do this since Hubby was going to order the cd's I wanted as MP3's and put them on the iPod (uh, never ever leave this to the men!) ...But, of course, I am still waiting for that...

Anyways, on this particular CD is aimed at relieving anxiety and has three different exercises: one for general relaxation, one for calming the mind about specific life events that you still get upset about and the last for attaining qualities in yourself that you would like to either gain or enhance (still have to listen to this one). I have used the first exercise several times now - and the key goal is relaxing using the image (or images, if you have more than one) of a place you found the most peace in your life, the "safest place" you feel you can go to in your mind.

I suppose this is hard for some people to do - but my image came very quick. The pics below are not of the specific place, but they are very close to what I have in my mind and can remember from my time spent there:





The place I picture the safest and calmest is from the family vacation home of a pal in college. It was located in a beautiful (and PRICEY) area of the NJ Shore and the reason we went there was not the most usual of circumstances...

When I was in my Junior and Senior years of college, the girls I had dormed with for two years and I rented a house about 2 blocks away from campus - it was a georgeous house (would have been even better if someone could have restored it to its glory days), in among the other college student houses and the "townies" (or, better put, the real residents of the town). We knew quite a few of the student houses on the block and the neighboring blocks (you get to know lots of people on the college party circuit!). Speficially, two houses down the hill from us, on the first of three floors of the house, were friends of ours - guys we partied with, were buddies with since Freshman year in our psych major (although not all of us were left as psych majors at that point).

In November 1994, seven months before graduation, I could see out the window of my evening class, which was held on Tuesday nights at 7:00 pm on the fifth floor of the main class building, the biggest blaze up in the hills of the campus - A bright red, orange and yellow blaze that lit up the entire view of the upper campus. The fire was located right where our house was! I raced from class, as did a classmate who lived on the same block as me, running into people telling me it was our house, telling her it was her house. I was in a panic - all of my things were on the third floor and I would have nothing left! When I approached where the blockades were, I had one hell of a time getting up to my house - finally, one of my housemates saw me and told the firemen I lived there, and they let me in. I was very relieved to find it was not, in fact, my house. But it was the house of our friends.

The bulk of the night was spent watching the firemen dowse our house and the house in between with water, as the wind carried the flames closer to them. We were told at one point to go into our houses and collect the things most dear to us, just in case the two houses went up with the one on fire. Up in the hills of campus, there was almost always a breeze unless it was in the middle of the summer, and this night was certainly not a calm one. We rushed in and were allowed about 20 minutes - I can't really remember now what I grabbed...maybe some pictures, my address book, some stuffies that Hubby had given to me, a change of clothes. All I know it was all in my back-pack. We were ordered out via the PA system and spent the rest of the evening standing, waiting, and watching our friends crying.

The placed burned to the ground. By midnight, the fire trucks started to pull away, the fire finally out and no longer risking igniting our house. We breathed a huge sigh of relief, but then realized our friends had no where to go. Some ended up staying with us, some left with other friends, some left the campus completely - but all were to come back the next day to start trying to sift through the ashes of what was left.

Our friend were able to salvage some things, but not much. Mostly larger items - things that were not water-logged or charred or stunk of fire. The girls on the two floors above them had nothing left. The entire third floor was gutted and only the charred framing remained. What our friends were able to salvage, we allowed them to keep in our house in the basement until they could find a place to go for the rest of the year. Some decided to go back into University housing - some re-grouped and found a new place to live. What a way to end your college career.

...Getting back to the pictures now, one of the guys had a family vacation home at the Jersey Shore. To thank my housemates and I for doing so much to help them - not just storage or housing wise, but emotionally too since we where there for them the entire time - we were invited to spend the weekend at the vacation home. They tried to make a public thank you via the media since the media descended upon the fire like, well, wildfire. Campus news made huge town news, after all. But the media didn't find the "thank you" newsworthy. So, they asked us to spend the weekend with them at the house, to thank us the best they could.

We went in April 1995 - it was one of those transitional weekends, where the days were warmer and clear, but the nights were colder and overcast. But, it was perfect - quiet, serene, desolate. The house was amazing - huge, comfortable, well kept, open and inviting. We spent the weekend talking, remincsing, horsing around, studying, partying (how could a weekend in college go without partying, right?).

I spent so many hours out on the beach that weekend - thinking about graduation, what I was going to do afterwards, what was going on with Hubby (at the time, we were not communicating well - what do you want for a long-distance relationship?), what was going to happen in my life.
I was out on the rocks, like you can see in the first picture, as the waves started to crash in. The sky was an amazing shade of pale baby blue, a few wind-swept clouds here and there. It was peaceful and amazing- and a place I long to go back to.

Unfortunately, we lost touch with the guys - which is a shame, since some of them live somewhat close by to myself and my bestest girlfriend from college. But, time and distance changes those college friendships and the ones you thought were close ones don't always end up being the ones that last in the end. I have never been to that house again - and, although I go to the Jersey shore every year for vacation with the family, 1) I have never since found a place as peaceful and beautiful at the beach as that weekend and 2) I have not been left alone long enough to have that feeling of serenity and calm return like that weekend. I know I could find that house if I tried, although I am sure the owners would not be happy with me knocking on their door!

But, at least I can still go there in my mind....and I have found a little peice of it again, to enjoy over and over and escape to when I need it...

Homework assignment: Name Your "Failures"

"Failure is just the process we have to give our inner beings a way to tell us that we have reached a place of awareness and strength, where we are ready to move to a new level of our growth and our development."

This is the latest quote from my "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar. And, well, it hits home right now for my latest homework assignment Dr. P gave me last night: Make a list of what I perceive as my "failures" or shortcomings in the various areas of my life: Family, friends, work, personally - and, come back with that list so we start going through it, one item at a time, to can analyze the items and help me to begin seeing that I have not failed at all.

I told him he was a very big meanie for giving me this assignment! This is going to be a tough one to deal with... It means really looking at how I think, why I think that way, and how to start learning to shut it off. I know I have to do this - I want to start overcoming my anxiety and moving on with my life. And, doing this is the only means of starting.

So, I am going to start my list here - a continuous log that I will add to when I think of the various ways I feel I have "failed" in my life, or shortchanged myself. What I am listing here are things that my logical brain knows I have not failed on, but my heart perceives them that way anyway. What I am listing are things that are way beyond my control, and my logical brain knows I could have never prevented...yet my heart is still bashing me on them. What I am listing are things I have been trying to let go, but my heart still wants me to churn over and over and over again.

Watch for changes often through my next appointment (March 8th) ....and eventually, how we manage to get my heart to be on the same page as my brain.

This is not going to a pretty post...
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List as of 3/8:

Where I have failed myself on, personally:

• Not being able to hold a pregnancy since having Chris
• Not being able to get pregnant on my own, even before my pregnancy with Chris
• Not being able to give Chris a sibling
• Not being able to grieve my losses completely and finally move on
• Not giving or being able to give myself adaquate time for things I enjoy, and to relax
• Not being honest with myself (and others) about how I feel
• Not being able to say "no" to things

Where I have failed Chris:

• Missing precious time with Chris while I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me
• Missing time with him while I have to work
• Not taking joy in the little things he does when I was really feeling crappy

Where I have failed my Hubby:

• Having to rely on him more to do the things around the house I should be able to do
• Having to rely on him so much as I address my real issues
• Not always being there for him when he has a bad day, or things have been on his mind
• Not always enjoying the hobbies he is in to

Where I have failed my angel babies:

• Not praying and hoping enough for them to stay with us
  
• Not enjoying the small amount of time I had carrying them
  

Where I have failed my family:

• Not being able to help my parents and IL's out as much as I want to
• Missing neices'/nephews' birthdays
• Not speaking to my brother

Where I have failed my friends:

• Not always being there for them when they needed it most
• Not always having the time to just go out and have fun
• Having to rely on them to much to vent how I feel

Where I have failed my work:

• Sometimes not being able to organize my tasks in an orderly fashion
• Not always having my head in the right place while doing my job
• Feeling like my bosses cannot rely on me right now to "fix" things that go wrong

Other, more general "failures":

• Not always keeping the house as clean as I should
• Not getting our bedroom finished, or our kitchen re-done

Shopping Spree!!!

So, I went on a shopping spree on Saturday at the mall - and, all by myself!!! And, with no anxiety attacks!! I really feel like I have finally made a step in the right direction, considering the last time I went shopping at the mall on New Year's Eve Day, I was crying to Hubby in Sparro's.

Anyways, with my birthday money, I bought 3 pairs of pants (Khaki, black and green cargo's), three button down blouses with matching cami's and 2 sweaters - all for $200 (great sales!).

And, even better than what I bought... all of the pants were a....













Size 8!

I have probably gained a couple of pounds back after my anxiety-induced starve-fest of 2006, but not enough to not be able to fit into the "skinny" clothes I bought in the fall.

I am so excited! I think the last time I wore a Size 8, I was probably in grammar school!

Ah, a little success goes a long way!! Yeah!