Another year older...but another year wiser??

Well, today is my 36th birthday...

The number just doesn't seem real to me - and I suppose I am in denial of being so close to 40 years old.

Crap.

Why is it, when you are in your teens, or college even, that you just NEVER think you would be this old?

Anyways, I have neglected here for almost 2 months - sorry, lots of stuff going on that I will try to elaborate on and vent about over the weekend. To sum up: I am surrounded by sick kids and family members who only can think of themselves - and unload their baggage on me. It's bringing me down big time...and making the anxiety levels go up. Not a good combination when I am trying to spend the little time I have with my boys and am awaiting a promotion at work.

...Where's my xanex...

I feel like my year and half of therapy is down the toilet and I am back where I started again.

Even bigger crap...

I do want to thank everyone who responded to my HPV questions in December. I since had a colposcopy (12/29) and the results were normal. SIGH!!

Dr. D gave me the various scenarios on how I could have ended up with this - and we will never be able to pin it down since this is the first time I as screened for it with a PAP. In the end, I feel that I don't think Hubby is straying - although I am still very hurt when I found a receipt in November from a local strip club for the amount of $250 that was visited the date of my first d&c (second miscarriage in November 2005). It was a very hard blow - one that I really let him have it over since I was crying my eyes out that day as he was whooping it up at the girlies (he claims it was for business...but, whatever). Anyways, I now have to make sure I have the annual PAP - no matter what.

Since my plans for tomorrow are no non-existent (part of my venting that is coming), I will try to log on to post a real update.

Until then...I guess I will have some cake tonight after we visit Hubby's grandfather who is on a rehab facility up here by us (yes, he is one of the "think only of ourselves" people).

Oh, dear...when will this fruit-loop finally go away?

Ah...Just when you think things are over, the fruit-loop (aka, the witch, aka the ex-Associate Director who was fired) sends this directly to me:

Dear --,

I am writing to let you know that I filed a grievance against XXX for things he did that were rather creepy and they have nothing whatsoever to do with you or for that matter anyone else at YYY. I always said and continue to say that you have been helpful to me especially after I made those specific requests on how you could help me. I thought I should let you know this as I would hate to cause you more stress than you already have. I wish you the best of health and good luck in everything. Bye

Regards,
ZZZ

So, I know she filed a grievance with the university...and certainly not surprised she filed one against my Director, who is one of the SWEETEST men (think of grandfatherly boss) you could ever meet! But, sending me personal e-mails...considering I have not spoken to her since August 2007???

Why do I not believe I will not be named in any part of the grievances she has filed?

Because she is an unstable molecule... We'll have to see where this goes now.

24 weeks and...Ding Dong! The witch is dead!!

...and I don't mean the AF witch...or anything to do with pregnancy, TTC or miscarriage. I mean THIS witch!

So, the "situation" with the wing-nut Associate Director (which was dug much further than what I had posted back in August) is finally resolved as of today...after much red tape and hoopla (you know I work for a State University...to get someone fired here requires much "i" dotting and "t" crossing). She is officially suspended without pay - starting 4:3o pm today through her "official" end of her appointment on May 30th. She was asked to clean out her office, which is done sometime before this morning (probably overnight with her DH...which was not uncommon to see things moved in her office in the matter of a few overnight hours). Her e-mail is being forwarded to our Assistant Director to review - that is, of course, if there is actually anything work-related in there, which is highly unlikely. She is being removed from every inch of our web site and mailing lists - the number of hits on our web site is more than cut in half already!

PHEW!!!! The drama is now over...and we can regroup and begin to work again in a cohesive manner. And, find a new Associate Director who actually wants to do the job hired for.

However, of course the matter may still not be "over." Depends upon if she gets the hair-brained idea of suing us for unlawful termination. She won't win that - there is too much documentation of the havoc she caused for the staff, the work she didn't do, the un-related, personal research she DID do on University/work time, and the bad-mouthing she chose to do with "colleagues" from the moment she started working here in June 2007. So, it would be pointless to sue us...but, then again, she is a totally unstable molecule and only time will tell if that will happen.

Luckily, my bosses will "shield" me from it if 1) it happens at all and 2) if I am named at all in it. They don't want the stress of the mess she made for me in August or thereafter affect this PG. I am grateful for that.

So, I am officially 24 weeks along today... Next growth scan will be Thursday. E2 is already turning out to have a different personality than Chris - he likes to kick me when I am standing up, which is something Chris never did. And, the nurse at my ob's appointment last week had to chase him around with the doppler because he didn't like it at all (took her a few shots to get him to lie still to get the heart rate). I will post pics and belly pics (well, belly pics as soon as they are taken anyway - have been really lax on that) later in the week.

I noticed today how bad I have been on posting here recently... I never even finished documenting the Vacation 2007 series, which I promise to do before E2 arrives in June. I don't want to forget the good time we had on vacation.

But, time has just been very short, between work, finally getting Chris' services in place (more on that later), the IL's house (which was officially boarded up on Valentine's Day - nice, huh?), preparing for maternity leave, having a cold that lasted for more than 2 weeks (which Chris now has and made himself puke Sunday night because of the coughing)...and so on and so on.

I am waiting for the slow-down...hopefully that will be soon so I can really get back to blogging.

How to celebrate your 35th Birthday in style....

So... I find myself at 20 weeks pregnant today...

Yeah, I can hardly believe it either! But, that is what my FF ticker says...and my doctor's chart. I promise to post a belly pic soon...probably this week. It is amazing how much bigger I am this time around. I LOOK like I am pregnant - never really did until the very end with Chris. So, this is turning into some fun now. :) I.E., I am finally enjoying this PG...especially with the inner-boxing sessions that put my mind at ease.

The "down" side, of course, is I turn 35 years old tomorrow...and officially receive the "Advanced Maternal Age" moniker at the doctors' offices now. Yeah me! I know, a number is a number. But, the new label - although not as bad as Habitual Aborter - is one I never really planned on having...

...But, God doesn't always like plans, now does He?

So, how does one celebrate one's 35 th birthday in style???




Having the in-law's move in, that's how!




Okay, to backtrack a little bit...

My FIL was a very, very sick man starting in 2002.

He is a Type II diabetic - and, for a very long time, chose to ignore it and not care for himself properly. His diabetes has led him to lose feeling in his feet - so, he did always take one precaution as to wear shoes or slippers all of the time.

...Except, of course, one fateful day in the early fall of 2002.

We had finally finished our post-Honeymoon "love nest" (aka, our new, hand-built apartment to save money instead of renting one) on my IL's home in early 2001 - Living room, kitchen, bathroom which added on above my IL's kitchen and bathroom. We kept DH's room growing up (one of the two only bedrooms in the house) as our bedroom (which was all we had for the first few years of our marriage - talk about me being accommodating!), which opened up to the kitchen. It was all we really needed at the time - having children was not really on the radar in the first few years of marriage.

The addition was done on our own - my FIL, DH, myself and anyone else who was handy with a nail gun and drywall helped with demolition and construction. It took a long, long time to get done, as you can probably tell: We married in 10/1998 - and the addition was started shortly before then. It was finally finished in early 2001...and we settled in. And, we thought everything was cleaned up from the construction - all scraps of wood, siding, nails, etc.

Except, we missed some construction staples.

My FIL walked out in the very early Fall of 2002 into the backyard with no shoes on to turn off the pool filter - and he stepped on a construction staple. But, since he had no feeling in his feet, he never felt it....and it remained there for 2-3 days until my MIL noticed it. And, of course, it was already infected - eventually spiraling him into a series of infections, including a massive MRSA infection, which caused him to lose the toes on his right foot. The wound, until just last year, refused to close... So, it has been years of doctors, surgeries, antibiotics, disability, unemployment for my IL's.

...And, years of doctor's bills, inability to pay the bills, and inability to pay the mortgage on the house they owned since 1973.

So, two years ago, a foreclosure notice was given...although never pressed. My FIL was employed by the town as a Lead Abatement Inspector for a federal governmental agency in the Summer of 2005 - and his ability to pay the bills and mortgage came back. So, we thought the house could be saved and the foreclosure lifted...

...But, that changed on January 7th, 2008 - when the mortgage company decided not to play nicey-nicey anymore...and an eviction notice was issued for them to be out by February 8th.

So, after 35 years of owning this home, they have to be out. Our early marriage memories will be gone now...as will all of the memories they have invested in that house. And, there is nothing we can do about it.

Long, drawn-out story, isn't it?

So, the past two weeks has been spent helping them pack/move/store all of their belongings (they plan to be out completely this weekend) - and pack/move/store all of the things DH never cleaned out since we moved into our home around the corner in June 2003.

The past couple of weeks has also been trying to help them figure where to go - move into DH's aunt's house across the street from us for a little while, find an apartment, etc.

My MIL does not want to move into her sister's house - it is very loud and busy and cramped as it is, since DH's grandmother is also living there (she had moved into our old apartment when we bought her house in 2003). BUT, it would be the most economical move for them to do that - no rent, no utility bills - so they can save money and straighten themselves out financially. Since she doesn't want to do that, that forces them into renting an apartment for $1500 or more (NJ is expensive)...but, that would not allow them to save money, pay bills off. It would force them into renting for probably the rest of their lives.

So (and you can call me a SUCKER later), I got into a discussion with DH about it was a shame we didn't have our third floor (full attic) finished yet - it would be more than enough room for them to live in for 6-12 months, until they could get themselves on their feet again. Living with them again would be a hard adjustment for all, especially with a new baby coming - but, we have done it before with much less room...and we could probably do it again for a short period of time.

I guess, what I am having a hard time justifying is the $$$ they will have to spend on rent - and not be able to save anything.

Anyway, conversation was continued last night with my ILs over for dinner - since my FIL works for the town, he has access to many contractors. And, these contractors can discount the work for him...and get the attic done (insulate, sheet rock, wire, install a small bathroom above the only bathroom in the house, finish/paint) in a fairly quick amount of time.

...The only concession we would make is we would switch our bedroom with Chris' current room since the stairway to the third floor is from our bedroom and, well, do you want your IL's coming through late at night??? Changing the rooms is no big deal - the thought had been there anyway, and the rooms are relative the same size (just different shape).

So, that is how I will be celebrating my 35th Birthday...preparing for construction and the IL's to invade our house for 6-12 months until they can either be in a position to buy something on their own or we can find a real 2-family in a town we would like to settle in a year or so from now (which was a plan we had in mind anyway).

Sound fun?

My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight at our first session of the New Year!

Isn't it ironic....

Don't you think?

So many of us blog about not being able to have children, whether it be because of infertility issues, miscarriage or a combination of the two... whether it be our first child or seventh we are trying to conceive...

Well, how ironic is this story for all of us, which I saw on Good Morning America before heading into work this morning:

Cash for Kids: Japan's Employers Offer 'Baby Bonuses'

Apparently, Japan is facing a rapidly aging and now shrinking population - the number of elderly citizens is surpassing the number of children being born. This is mainly attributed to the rising costs of raising their young (well, hell, we have that too!) and career goals/lifestyle of child-bearing-aged women.

I can't shake the feeling that this news story is beginning to parallel the measures society was taking in the book Children of Men (see my post on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade #2: Children of Men, with links to the Barren Bitches Book Brigade tours) - they are taking "extreme measures" to try to ensure the population does not die off.

See, Mel, how your book tour is transcending your initial hopes of infertility education!

The Japanese government and many private industries are beginning to make parenthood a "lucrative" proposition...paying a few hundred dollars to the couple who has one child, and upwards of $40,000 for five or more children!

Hell, with that kind of cash, I could take almost a full year off of work!

But, what is the United States doing wrong??? There are so many of us who desperately want a child, and we are fighting like hell for someone to cover it. I am in a very small minority with my infertility coverage: My employers pay for by health benefits 100% (not only for me, but for Hubby and for Chris), and that coverage has extensive IF coverage (six medicated IUI's per successful pregnancy, 4 IVF cycles lifetime, managed-care high-risk pregnancy programs). The chances of me having to mortgage my life to have a child are few - and I am forever grateful for that.

But, imagine living in a country where they would PAY for the infertility treatments?!?! I think there would be a huge wave of US immigrants to Japan for coverage like that!

And, let's not also forget to mention the benefits Japanese companies are adding on AFTER the child is born: free on-site daycare (emphasis on the free here), longer maternity leave, in addition to the money they are paying to have the child in the first place.

Again, I am lucky because my mom and MIL watch Chris while I am at work, so I don't have to worry about who is caring for my child and how much it will cost - but, yet again, I am in the minority here.

Oh, I was also able to take three months maternity leave on full pay because the policy here is you have to use all of your sick time before going on disability - and I had three months worth of sick days to blow through. But, next time I need to take maternity leave (how optomistic is that statement!), I won't be so lucky - I don't have 5+ years worth of sick time accrued now.

It is sad that these women (and men, since it does take two to tango) don't want children - but, I do have to give them credit for being honest about their decision and not having children just because society says so. I think their honesty in that decision could have a positive affect on the youth in the long run...

Isn't it ironic...

Don't you think?

Okay, Lord! I seem to be missing your sense of humor!

Remember when I posted I was going to reclaim my life and push forward with TTC in January in Getting off the "Whine Wagon"?? Apparently God has a sense of humor that is just sailing by me...

My mother decided that she didn't do enough damage to herself in her fall down the front stairs on December 2nd - so she did it again this past Saturday down the back stairs! The GOOD thing is that she successfully missed re-injuring her right knee and nose - she realized she was falling this time and braced herself with her right hand as she went down. BUT, she did something to her left wrist that I am still waiting to here the news on - it is very swollen, although she can wiggle her fingers.

...More importantly than her injuries this time, though, is we need to know why she has fallen twice in a week! This is not like her at all...and we need to know if the shadow they radiologist saw on her CT scan on December 2nd is something that is causing these falls.

Plus...my stomach is still a complete mess - we actually had to cancel on a 2-year-old's birthday party on Saturday night because I just felt all-around crap-tastic, for yet another weekend. I am really beginning to think that my thyroid is going haywire under all of the stress and pressure - and until I get the bloodwork back that was done on December 4th, it is just speculation. I just feel like crap all of the time: Feverish and cheeks flushed but freezing cold, body achy, fatigued, hands shaking, heart racing, stomach spasming all of the time, and down to 145 lbs without exercising in over a week (how can one lose 9 lbs in 3 weeks???). Hubby's cousin actually ask my MIL if I was sick because I have gotten so thin (last time I was 145 lbs was before I met hubby!).

Hubby, trying to be supportive, suggested I take take an HPT - I laughed, but humored him anyway. Of course it was a BFN - no shockeroony there since it kinda takes an ovulation to actually get pregnant! But, I am not upset about that in any way - now is not physically the right time for it anyway.

I know I want to TTC again - and I want all those things I posted about last week. I WANT one more shot at this rollercoaster. But, until we figure out what is happening with my mom, get my father and FIL past their respective surgeries and get my entire self feeling better (it is rather embarassing to hear your stomach gurgling all of the time - especially in meetings when it is quite quiet!), I see no way of January as being realistic for TTC again. I need to be HEALTHY and as stress-free as possible - despite my best efforts, I am not.

It is a set-back that I really didn't want to accept - but I have to. I have to do what is best for a potential child - and trying in January wouldn't be (unless some miracle happens and I magicially start feelign better). I am very disappointed...but maybe it is a good thing in the end? It gets me out of being due in October - too many losses are associated with the month of October now anyway. Except for my wedding anniversary, October is a marred month to me now... Maybe December would be better for a baby? Or, even better, January when Hubby and I have birthdays?

So....when will we start? I just don't know yet. Maybe March?? Maybe... Gotta get myself back to feeling better...for me and my family as it is now.

Worky-Jerky, other mundane updates...and Pre-School!

Yipes! A week since I posted last.... I gotta tell ya, work is just over-running my life. Let's see if I can catch up a bit (I PROMISE! I will be on my BG's next week... Shhhhh! The boss will be out all next week !).

Anyways....where to begin...

Chris did very well visiting Santa on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Hubby escaped from work, so he joined us this trip. I have yet to scan the pic - but, it was better than last year's (I didn't need to be in it this year!). I will post it as soon as I can. Was sad to hear that they are knocking down the mall complex this Santa is in - but, we signed up for the mailing list so we can find out where he is moving to in 2007. Santa is such a sweet man - he pulled me aside as Chris got down and said it was so nice to see a mommy who so loved her child. Almost brought me to tears when he said that - he had no idea how much I needed to hear that.

I was emotionally okay on Wednesday, on the anniversary of our second loss - our Center Administrator let us out of work around 1 pm for the Thanksgiving holiday (my director was in California on business/family), so that helped a bit to not have to be here all day at work. But, I didn't cry. I was very sad that it has been a year since our angel left us, but I was okay. I spent the afternoon with Chris and visiting with my mom. The only sad thing is - other than Hubby and I, no one remembered...or at least they did not let on they did. For the best, I suppose...but at the same time, that baby was a part of me, even for a short time. And, it is not easy to go through the sadness alone. But, I guess the pain of the losses does really fade a bit over time... Thank you for your thoughts and hugs, ladies. It helps to get me through.

Thanksgiving was nice - and QUIET! Spent time with my IL's and my family, which was nice. The newlyweds were back, so we got to see the professional pics (will be getting my paws on them this weekend since they are all on CD - there are some good ones of Chris that I just have to share). And, got to visit some friends I haven't seen in a while over the extended weekend. As soon as I download the pics from the camera from the festivities, I will post some (except for the pic of my butt that Hubby decided to take as a Haahaaa - NOT!).

I had my annual review at work yesterday - unexpected, since reviews are usually done in April in coordination with raises. But, the University decided to do them now without raises (Rutgers cannot give raises this year due to the State budget crisis, even though we are 90% funded by federal money - damn them!). Got a great review, as I do every year (I better, since I work my fanny off!) - and had a chance to discuss the heavy workload, and what is going on with me physically and with my f'ed up family (more on that in a bit...). We were able to make some decisions on jobs that can be off-loaded from me onto the new workshop coordinator (who is WAY more than competent to do these things - Finally!) so I can concentrate more on things I need to. So, we will be making the transition fairly soon. I am very much looking forward to that. A little more even pace to the day...and more time to catch up with my BG's!

Hubby is still looking for a new job - and he is getting a few hits now that we decided to spend the $$ to have his resume professionally re-done! He likes the guy he works for now (I am not sure I do anymore) - but, Hubby is just not being paid enough for the long hours he is putting in, the weekends he is asked to come in (at the last minute, too), and the prospect of his boss moving the office 1+ hours West of where we are now (which means hell in the snow). It has been very, very stressful to be working full time with a 1 hour commute myself, then try to do everything all on my own after that. I gotta give MAJOR props to the single moms out there - I don't know how you keep up with the pace! Hubby and I are like ships in the night right now - I am going to bed sometimes when he is getting home. And, it just sucks all the way around. His goal is to get me home at least part time - if not full time. But, I also don't want him to "prostitute" himself to a huge law-firm and never see Chris. So, I am hoping we can find some balance there - and some time for ourselves again.

Progress on the living room expansion is going GREAT!!! Looks like we will at least have the existing wall knocked out, insulation loaded into the walls, wiring in place, new windows installed and the expansion walls up by mid-December! I really don't care if the area is not painted by Christmas - as long as the space is usable. Tooo Cool! Thanks S (and Zia for loaning him out!). I am sooo excited!

Hubby and I are going back and forth with Dr. McC to see what to do with my stomach - still. I just cannot take the Lorazepam right now - it makes me too coked up during the day if I take half in the morning and half at night (which is what Dr. Stef wanted me to do). And, taking one full tablet at night is out of the question with Hubby's work schedule - I need to be able to function if Hubby isn't home early enough. So, I am back to the Librax with no other options. This continued issue is going to set TTC back if we can't figure something out. I see Dr. Stef on Monday afternoon...I hope to have some answers then, if not before. I need to - we have waited to TTC long enough and I am ready to get back on the ride again. I want one more shot at this...

The Annual Holiday Family Feud has started on my side of the family... Oh, what a headache! This happens every year around Thanksgiving and goes on through the New Year. But, it is much worse this year because my dad needs a hip replacement done (scheduled for January 10th) - but, being the weenie that he is, he is trying to get out on disability now. And, frankly, they can't afford that (and the doc swatted him down on Monday anyway!). So, my sister and I are trying to calm things down at their house right now...and that is not an easy task. The holidays can bring out "the best" in people! Yuck!

And speaking of surgery, my FIL needs surgery as well, right before Christmas. His on-going battle with the infection in his left foot continues... The wounds are finally healing after 4 years of this (he is diabetic and has no feeling in his feet) thanks to the hyperbaric treatments at Clara Maas - but, to close the last wound for good, they need to do a graft. Right before Christmas. He's okay with it...but... Oi!

I called the local Lutheran church by my mom's today... They are willing to take Chris into the pre-school program early, even though he is technically too young by their cut-off again and not potty trained yet. WoooHooo! I explained our issues with his regression when we tried to potty train and how the ped suggested we back off a bit until his speech gets a little bit better - and the pastor's wife (who runs the pre-school) totally understood. Her one son did the same thing. So, since the class is small this year (only 7 kids instead of 15) and my mom lives a block away from the church (and she can come and change him, if needed), she is willing to take Chris un-potty trained in January (the goal over Christmas break is to get him into pull-ups). So, my mom, Chris and I will be heading over on Monday morning to tour the school and see if he will be comfortable there. I am sure he will - our neighbor's girls used to go to that school. I am excited to get him with other kids...and get his speech improved (although it is picking up quite nicely now on it's own). It is a nice balance: 2 days a week for 2-3 hours each day, interaction with other kids his age, some more structured learning and some religion thrown in. I hope he will like it!

Oh.... and BIG PROPS to PeaPod!!!! We decided to try the PeaPod service (run through Stop and Shop) to save us some time on the weekends - and guess what??? The "Food Fairy" arrived on Monday evening with all the groceries we needed! If you want info, go to their web page: PeaPod. There are discounts gallore, full selections like in a regular super market, and you don't have to leave your house! I LOVE IT!!!!

I do ask that everyone please keep in your prayers: Zia (S told us on Saturday the FET didn't work and I am heartbroken for them... What more can I say? If ever a couple deserved to be parents...I don't understand why this won't work for them). Valeree from C-Moms (she is having TMJ surgery today. Hoping this alleviates the pain she has been enduring for years!). HellcatJill and Moon13 from FF (both of whom found out they are pregnant - WoooHooo!!! Congrats, girlies! And, I am hoping these are VERY sticky beans!).

I think that is it.... Quitten' time here! Time to head home and pick up Chris!

Crap, crap, crap...

...I just noticed I lost 2 tiny diamonds out of the ring Hubby had made for me for our anniversary 3 years ago.

CRAP!

They are replaceable...not a big deal in the grand-scheme of things. But, this is a one-of-a-kind ring and I hate going without it. At least it wasn't the center sapphire! That would have been a doozy!

Guess we will be off to the jewelers this weekend...

Cha-cha-cha-changes...

Well, made some changes today, which have been long coming:

* Finally went with the hubby and ordered my charm bracelet, which is to be my personal memorial for my now two angels and my Chris. The jeweler we use is amazing - I have two special angel charms and a baby bootie with an emerald in it. The angels will be placed on either side of the bootie to "protect" my Chris. Will post pics when we pick it up next weekend...

...and the hubby and I had a lunch date to boot! Hadn't had one of those in over a year!

* I made an appointment for next Saturday morning to get my hair cut and highlighted - YES! Highlighted. I didn't want to do it when I was pregnant, but since that is on hold for quite some time, it's going to be nice to have some brightness to my person! Can't wait!

* We finally put in our new entertainment center (thanks to our friends S&S, who gave us their old center - looks really spiffy!) and set up the new 30 inch hi-def, flatscreen TV and surround sound components. Chris will be thrilled to watch Thomas the Tank Engine tomorrow morning in hi-def!

It has been very nice to focus on "me" for a day - I've kinda been denying myself that for a long time...