Friday, March 31, 2006

A walk does a body good...In more ways than one

I have been a good girl the past 2 days and have taken nice, long walks around campus while the weather is still so nice. Yesterday, probably a half mile - today, a mile.

It was very nice to just walk, not listen to anything in particular, and breathe. I haven't really done that in a very long time - probably since college when you had to walk EVERYWHERE (uhhh...that was over 10 years ago now!). And, apparently it was something I've missed. But, alas, you can't take long walks like that when you live in da 'hood! HeeHee!

If I keep this up (which I am really going to try!), not only will I get to clear my head most days, but I may very well fit into those two pairs of Cargo pants I haven't been able to wear since August 2003, when Chris as conceived! At least there are a few positive things that are coming out of these losses...which is something I never imagined I would ever see.


Last night, as I was putting things together for Chris' bathtime, it really hit me that we would not be redecorating the spare bedroom for Chris, that we would not be getting Chris' current room ready for the new baby(ies), that we are still only a family of three...

All I could feel in that fleeting moment was such emptiness...

Don't get me wrong, our house is certainly not empty. Chris more than fills that, and I am forever grateful.

But, the emptiness is for the children that will never be. The children I never had a chance to hold, to touch, to kiss. It is such a lonely that even the hubby said he could never understand.

I couldn't cry... I think the sadness in that moment was just beyond tears...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Please, think before you speak...

"I understand what you are going through" are words that should not be said lightly. No one can truly understand how losing a baby, not to mention two, really feels unless you have been there - and even with that, every situation is different. So, no one can truly understand how I feel right now - nor could I truly understand what others are going through now too.

I bring this up because my brother, whom I have not spoken to in about 1 1/2 years, called me last night. He was bitching about the same 'ol thing to my mother yesterday (basically, how badly his ex is screwing him, blah, blah, blah.... I will leave this for another post) and my mother, who never airs other people's laundry, finally had enough and told him that some people are really having a hard time right now and to knock off the bitching. He knew about my first m/c (and, no, he never called in November for that), so she told him about the second one this month. From what she said, it did shut him up for a while...

So, I spoke to him for about a half hour - probably one of the longest half hours of my life. He asked how I was doing - I told him I was just miserable and confused and angry and upset. That things were up in the air regarding TTC again... That all things were up in the air until the testing that starts next week is complete. So, after a quick "I'm sorry," the tyrade that he goes off on about his ex migraine from Monday that FINALLY went away yesterday morning is back again. Just do me a favor, bro, and just record the tyrade on a CD and mail it to me - when I need a fix, I'll play it so I don't waste the money on a phone call.

Towards the end of the conversation is where the "Think before you speak" comes into play... His middle child has asthma - not really severe, but bad enough to warrent a few trips to the ER ( about we get rid of the cat he is allergic too????). So, through those small trips to the ER, my bro feels that he "understands" what I have been through with my two losses...


I wanna know where he gets off with that? He has NEVER lost a child, his ex NEVER had a miscarraige (not to mention two) and his ex NEVER had IF problems. WTF??? Is this really what I need to deal with right now? I wanted to strangle him through the phone...good thing he's in Texas! How can he truly understand how I feel when he has never been here? The entire call was such a waste of my breath...

And, while I am at bitching about people (since I need to get this out too), J&E have been completely useless through all of this too. J is a childhood friend of my hubby's (both sets of parents went to college together and have been friends for YEARS). Hubby and I are Godparents to their son... We have been there for them through their beloved dogs dying, J's grandmother passing away, E's mom's illness with cancer, J&E's friend dying of cancer last year... And what do we get in return when we have to announce these two miscarriages? No phone call or visit AT ALL for the first one, and a third hand "I'm sorry" over the phone for the second loss... WTF?? I am not asking them to bend over backwards for us - but maybe a personal phone call to just say "I'm sorry"? We have had so many friends call us, just to ask how we were doing and they were sorry... But, to just not call at all or send a card, an e-mail...

You really do learn who you can count on when you go through something like this....

Wow, do I sound angry or what??

Monday, March 27, 2006

Song of the Moment: Lazarus

Well, here is another song by Fozzy that I found very fitting for the moment (I do a LOT of music listening in the car during my 1 hour commute, and these are the times where I find the songs that fit my life), as I reasses what my priorities are and what I really want out of my life.

I think this fits my life right now in several ways: 1) My faith in God has really been shaken and I do feel like my words to God just fall by the wayside, 2) as I try to lift my soul out of the darkness I have found myself in, I have so many doubts on where I want to go: still make attempts at TTC, or give it up and cherish the little boy I have, 3) once I figure out what it is I really want and, in truth, what it is I can medically have, then I might know where my path will lead.

I have sacrificed so many of my interests over the past several years, I have forgotten what those interests are now. Of course, Chris will always be my first priority - but, I need to find myself again. And the first step to that is calling my doc's office for a referral for counseling...

by Fozzy

A silent prayer whispered in the darkness
Without witness words descend and die
I can't understand a world so cold and heartless
And still I'm driven to live this lie

Frozen voice singing winter's song
I live through life at the will of the wind
All the while I wonder where right went wrong
Crying out for the end to begin

Set adrift on a sea uncharted
Under a sky with no stars to guide me
A drowning soul is sinking and departed
While the waves of doubt break forever inside me

I'm holding on to what I once believed
Conviction that builds with time
I breathe life into my heart deceived
Now the truth is of my design

When your truth turns to lie
And the pain makes you cry
And the fountains of faith run dry
Take a look at yourself
And what you've sacrificed

When your truth turns to lie
And the pain makes you cry
And the fountains of faith run dry

When your dream starts to die
And the fire inside
Starts to dim the more you fight
Take a look at yourself
And what you've sacrificed

Sunday, March 26, 2006


Well, made some changes today, which have been long coming:

* Finally went with the hubby and ordered my charm bracelet, which is to be my personal memorial for my now two angels and my Chris. The jeweler we use is amazing - I have two special angel charms and a baby bootie with an emerald in it. The angels will be placed on either side of the bootie to "protect" my Chris. Will post pics when we pick it up next weekend...

...and the hubby and I had a lunch date to boot! Hadn't had one of those in over a year!

* I made an appointment for next Saturday morning to get my hair cut and highlighted - YES! Highlighted. I didn't want to do it when I was pregnant, but since that is on hold for quite some time, it's going to be nice to have some brightness to my person! Can't wait!

* We finally put in our new entertainment center (thanks to our friends S&S, who gave us their old center - looks really spiffy!) and set up the new 30 inch hi-def, flatscreen TV and surround sound components. Chris will be thrilled to watch Thomas the Tank Engine tomorrow morning in hi-def!

It has been very nice to focus on "me" for a day - I've kinda been denying myself that for a long time...

Friday, March 24, 2006

Song of the moment: All That Remains

The song of the moment is by Fozzy, lead singer is a WWE wrestler (thanks to DH, I know who the wrestlers are!). The current CD is one of 6 loaded in the Subaru right now...

The reason I chose this song is because the two miscarriages I have had are now reminders of the decisions we made to try to have another child sooner than we had originally planned on. Had we waited like we planned to do until C was 2 years old, maybe we could have saved ourselves the heartache. But, we cannot escape the decisions we made, and can only learn from them and grow.

Also, some of the things are thought were important in ours lives don't seem to be as important anymore. These losses have forced us to reevaluate our priorities, and focus on them...

"All That Remains"

Looking over my shoulder at the road that follows
What once seemed to matter now dust at my feet
Memories whisper at the edge of perception
Silent reminders of a life incomplete

And all that remains
Are the scars to remind me
And all the lives I've thrown away
And all that remains
Are the bars that confine me
To a past I can't escape

Words that are unspoken are now reminders
Each second dies a silent death unmourned
I tried as a martyr to lead her, to guide her
Now I'm alone painted by the color of scorn

And all that remains
Are the scars to remind me
And all the lives I've thrown away
And all that remains
Are the bars that confine me
To a past I can't escape

A little about me...

This is my 2nd attempt at a blog - first one I deleted back before we started to TTC again in July 2005 because, well, I had nothing to really say at the time.

Now that I have had my second miscarriage in four months, after primary and secondary infertility, NOW I have something to bitch about. For some backgroundd, here is my IF history:

* Have had irregular cycles since the start of getting my periods around age 12.
* Took me 18 months to TTC my precious son, conceived with 50 mg Clomid and IUI in 8/03. C was born 5/4/04 and is my first blessing of many.
* In an attempt at baby #2, the first round of 50 mg Clomid in 7/05 failed because I never ovulated; the second round on 100 mg Clomid and a cancelled IUI produced a blighted ovum and d&e in 11/05; the third round on 100 mg Clomid and yet another cancelled IUI produced a baby with no heartbeat and measured a week behind, and a d&c was done 3/06
* We are on a TTC break until January 2007 as we do a recurrent loss panel and other testing.

I am not a journal person by nature, but since I will be seeking out counseling this time around, I figured I might as well start now.... I need to start writing out how I feel in order to really start getting past these losses. I hope someone will learn something from my experiences.

I will post song lyrics often that express how I feel at a given for them.

For right now, here is my first blessing I would like to share and why I find this a blessing - sharing these blessings, for me, is something I need to do and do often because I have lost sight of them in the past 9 months of TTC #2:

My son. He is the most amazing little man anyone could have asked for. He was so longed for, and a sheer joy to carry for 9 months. His eyes show you his world - so bright and blue. And, he KNOWS when you need a special hug or a laugh. He has a great sense of humor, and knows how to use it already. He's 90% daddy, 10% me. He is all I could have wished for, even when he is being stubborn, and he made the 18 months of longing for a child all worth it.