Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Worky-Jerky, other mundane updates...and Pre-School!

Yipes! A week since I posted last.... I gotta tell ya, work is just over-running my life. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Let's see if I can catch up a bit (I PROMISE! I will be on my BG's next week... Shhhhh! The boss will be out all next week Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting !).

Anyways....where to begin...

Chris did very well visiting Santa on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Hubby escaped from work, so he joined us this trip. I have yet to scan the pic - but, it was better than last year's (I didn't need to be in it this year!). I will post it as soon as I can. Was sad to hear that they are knocking down the mall complex this Santa is in - but, we signed up for the mailing list so we can find out where he is moving to in 2007. Santa is such a sweet man - he pulled me aside as Chris got down and said it was so nice to see a mommy who so loved her child. Almost brought me to tears when he said that - he had no idea how much I needed to hear that.

I was emotionally okay on Wednesday, on the anniversary of our second loss - our Center Administrator let us out of work around 1 pm for the Thanksgiving holiday (my director was in California on business/family), so that helped a bit to not have to be here all day at work. But, I didn't cry. I was very sad that it has been a year since our angel left us, but I was okay. I spent the afternoon with Chris and visiting with my mom. The only sad thing is - other than Hubby and I, no one remembered...or at least they did not let on they did. For the best, I suppose...but at the same time, that baby was a part of me, even for a short time. And, it is not easy to go through the sadness alone. But, I guess the pain of the losses does really fade a bit over time... Thank you for your thoughts and hugs, ladies. It helps to get me through.

Thanksgiving was nice - and QUIET! Spent time with my IL's and my family, which was nice. The newlyweds were back, so we got to see the professional pics (will be getting my paws on them this weekend since they are all on CD - there are some good ones of Chris that I just have to share). And, got to visit some friends I haven't seen in a while over the extended weekend. As soon as I download the pics from the camera from the festivities, I will post some (except for the pic of my butt that Hubby decided to take as a Haahaaa - NOT!).

I had my annual review at work yesterday - unexpected, since reviews are usually done in April in coordination with raises. But, the University decided to do them now without raises (Rutgers cannot give raises this year due to the State budget crisis, even though we are 90% funded by federal money - damn them!). Got a great review, as I do every year (I better, since I work my fanny off!) - and had a chance to discuss the heavy workload, and what is going on with me physically and with my f'ed up family (more on that in a bit...). We were able to make some decisions on jobs that can be off-loaded from me onto the new workshop coordinator (who is WAY more than competent to do these things - Finally!) so I can concentrate more on things I need to. So, we will be making the transition fairly soon. I am very much looking forward to that. A little more even pace to the day...and more time to catch up with my BG's!

Hubby is still looking for a new job - and he is getting a few hits now that we decided to spend the $$ to have his resume professionally re-done! He likes the guy he works for now (I am not sure I do anymore) - but, Hubby is just not being paid enough for the long hours he is putting in, the weekends he is asked to come in (at the last minute, too), and the prospect of his boss moving the office 1+ hours West of where we are now (which means hell in the snow). It has been very, very stressful to be working full time with a 1 hour commute myself, then try to do everything all on my own after that. I gotta give MAJOR props to the single moms out there - I don't know how you keep up with the pace! Hubby and I are like ships in the night right now - I am going to bed sometimes when he is getting home. And, it just sucks all the way around. His goal is to get me home at least part time - if not full time. But, I also don't want him to "prostitute" himself to a huge law-firm and never see Chris. So, I am hoping we can find some balance there - and some time for ourselves again.

Progress on the living room expansion is going GREAT!!! Looks like we will at least have the existing wall knocked out, insulation loaded into the walls, wiring in place, new windows installed and the expansion walls up by mid-December! I really don't care if the area is not painted by Christmas - as long as the space is usable. Tooo Cool! Thanks S (and Zia for loaning him out!). I am sooo excited!

Hubby and I are going back and forth with Dr. McC to see what to do with my stomach - still. I just cannot take the Lorazepam right now - it makes me too coked up during the day if I take half in the morning and half at night (which is what Dr. Stef wanted me to do). And, taking one full tablet at night is out of the question with Hubby's work schedule - I need to be able to function if Hubby isn't home early enough. So, I am back to the Librax with no other options. This continued issue is going to set TTC back if we can't figure something out. I see Dr. Stef on Monday afternoon...I hope to have some answers then, if not before. I need to - we have waited to TTC long enough and I am ready to get back on the ride again. I want one more shot at this...

The Annual Holiday Family Feud has started on my side of the family... Oh, what a headache! This happens every year around Thanksgiving and goes on through the New Year. But, it is much worse this year because my dad needs a hip replacement done (scheduled for January 10th) - but, being the weenie that he is, he is trying to get out on disability now. And, frankly, they can't afford that (and the doc swatted him down on Monday anyway!). So, my sister and I are trying to calm things down at their house right now...and that is not an easy task. The holidays can bring out "the best" in people! Yuck!

And speaking of surgery, my FIL needs surgery as well, right before Christmas. His on-going battle with the infection in his left foot continues... The wounds are finally healing after 4 years of this (he is diabetic and has no feeling in his feet) thanks to the hyperbaric treatments at Clara Maas - but, to close the last wound for good, they need to do a graft. Right before Christmas. He's okay with it...but... Oi!

I called the local Lutheran church by my mom's today... They are willing to take Chris into the pre-school program early, even though he is technically too young by their cut-off again and not potty trained yet. WoooHooo! I explained our issues with his regression when we tried to potty train and how the ped suggested we back off a bit until his speech gets a little bit better - and the pastor's wife (who runs the pre-school) totally understood. Her one son did the same thing. So, since the class is small this year (only 7 kids instead of 15) and my mom lives a block away from the church (and she can come and change him, if needed), she is willing to take Chris un-potty trained in January (the goal over Christmas break is to get him into pull-ups). So, my mom, Chris and I will be heading over on Monday morning to tour the school and see if he will be comfortable there. I am sure he will - our neighbor's girls used to go to that school. I am excited to get him with other kids...and get his speech improved (although it is picking up quite nicely now on it's own). It is a nice balance: 2 days a week for 2-3 hours each day, interaction with other kids his age, some more structured learning and some religion thrown in. I hope he will like it!

Oh.... and BIG PROPS to PeaPod!!!! We decided to try the PeaPod service (run through Stop and Shop) to save us some time on the weekends - and guess what??? The "Food Fairy" arrived on Monday evening with all the groceries we needed! If you want info, go to their web page: PeaPod. There are discounts gallore, full selections like in a regular super market, and you don't have to leave your house! I LOVE IT!!!!

I do ask that everyone please keep in your prayers: Zia (S told us on Saturday the FET didn't work and I am heartbroken for them... What more can I say? If ever a couple deserved to be parents...I don't understand why this won't work for them). Valeree from C-Moms (she is having TMJ surgery today. Hoping this alleviates the pain she has been enduring for years!). HellcatJill and Moon13 from FF (both of whom found out they are pregnant - WoooHooo!!! Congrats, girlies! And, I am hoping these are VERY sticky beans!).

I think that is it.... Quitten' time here! Time to head home and pick up Chris!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I'll hold you in Heaven

It's raining today...just as it did one year ago when you had to leave us. I miss you, sweet baby...even though we never met. I know you are safe and you are watching over us with your angel siblings, and I will give Thanks tomorrow for that.

But - I promise - I will hold you someday...

I'll Hold You in Heaven
by Jo Ann Taylor

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Giving Thanks...and why I don't feel as strong as others think I am

I received a very special Thank You card in the mail late last week from D, who has been trying to sort through the loss of her daughter at 20 weeks. To quote a small part of the note:

"Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. You have helped me more than you know. All your advice, blogs - everything - has really helped. You have been through a lot also and you have such a positive attitude."
D: Thank you for the note. I appreciate it more than you realize. During your time of sorrow and pain (a pain I will never truly understand but will always support you through), I never expected to receive such a sweet note. Thank you.

In that vein, I need to give MAJOR Thanks to some special people I have come across over the past year who have truly helped me through my pain and have always been there for me when I needed it:

Fellow bloggers (outside my BG's):
  • Cat at House of Miao
  • Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
  • ...and all of the ladies who write miscarriage blogs that I read when I can (in my side-bar). All of our situations are different - but the feelings of loss, anger and emptiness are woven through each and every blog I read. I have learned so much from you - about strength, compassion, pain, anger, frustration, education - you have touch my heart even without ever having met in person.

BG's (including some of the ladies who blog):
  • Mother's Day Maybe's on FFriend
  • Working Mommies on C-Moms
  • Ladies On Hold For A Blessing on C-Moms
  • NY/NJ Mommies on FFamily
  • ...and a good number of the ladies on the TTC After Loss boards on FFriend. We have all been together through good times and bad - and have for the most part, never met in person either - and the support through the past year has been breathtaking. Thank you for all you have done to help me through this.

In my personal life:
  • Hubby
  • Zia
  • Cookoo Auntie
  • My mom
  • My sister
  • My IL's
  • M&J
  • K&B
  • ...all of you have helped in so many different ways - either just listening, or sharing personal experiences. No amount of words can show how much I am grateful to all of you. You have shown me what true friendship means - and have allowed me my space when I needed it, or pushed me to force feeling out when they had to come out.
Without all of you (and others I know I am forgetting to mention) touching my life in some way - whether it be a phone call, a hug, a laugh, a quick PM or e-mail, a comment on my blog - my heart would still be a mess. I have learned so much from all of you, and since my mind is a little more focused at this Thanksgiving than last year (or not), I can actually say Thank You. You mean the world to me.

But, in getting back to D's note...

I sometimes feel like I am caught between "generations": the generation of my parents, IL's and those before them who grew up in a time when you didn't talk about anything, and the generation just after me where you can talk about everything openly and freely. From the older generation, I have learned to I hide my pain too the extent that sometimes hurtful comments get made and only I feel they are hurtful. From the younger generation, I have "outed" myself to the world when it comes to my losses and my IF - I wear my Pregnancy and Infant Loss band daily, and have a support ribbon on my car (and have already been asked about it). Loss will always be a part of me, whether it be now or when I am 80 years old, so why hide it. Still, I don't feel as positive as some people think I am, and I certainly don't feel that strong either. Learning to manage the pain and hurt through counseling, and writing about it here, has definitely made me stronger - but, sometimes I still feel like I want to curl away from everyone. It depends upon the day...

Tomorrow will be a year from my second loss...and as much as I have come to accept it and am at peace with it, I still have tears to let out and sadness to face. I miss my babies so much - always wondering what they would be doing now, had God allowed them to be here with me. The hurt is very hard to hide sometimes. Any given day, any given moment, a reminder of the babies that were not meant to grace this world come up - sometimes when I am alone, sometimes when others are around. I know my mind and heart will always fall back a step when I am faced with the reality of it. I know it is "normal" to feel this way...but even with reading how far I have come in my bloggings, I sometimes feel "stuck." And, I hate that feeling.

I am trying to stay positive about the future - about TTC again. But, when the reality of 1) working full time at a job where I can't seem to catch a break from the workload anymore (hence my lack of presence on my blog and BG's), 2) missing precious time from Chris because of that job, 3) Hubby's boss wanting to move his office over an hour away to "save money" when he already is getting home after 8 pm most nights now, 4) my parents annual holiday brew-ha-ha's starting up early and 5) my stomach not wanting to behave itself (nope, the Lorazepam has done nothing other than to make feel like a dopehead all day long - so I stopped taking it and went back to the Librax), I feel like my hopes of TTC again are falling through the cracks. I see that carrot dangling in front of my face and someone/something keeps reeling it back away from me. My major medical issues - the reasons for my m/c's - to TTC again are falling into place better than we had hoped - but the other areas of my life that were keeping me "sane" are being pulled apart.

I want to TTC again so much... I want to make that one last "college try" before giving this part of my life up. I want to give Chris the best shot at having a sibling - something that Hubby has always wanted for himself and never was able to truly have. I want to have another child to hold, love and share my life with.

But, as each new obsticle pops up that I am not expecting, I am beginning to really question why I want to keep trying. Maybe I should just throw in the towel now and relieve some of the pressure off of myself? Maybe I should just say F*^& all the obsticles and follow the plans we have made?

I just don't know anymore. I knew that the pressure was going to mount as we got closer to our goal of TTC again...but, I hoped I could handle it better. I am not. I am that much closer to calling this part of my life over as we approach TTC time again, and I am waiting for the Wheel to land on "Bankrupt." I am that much closer to the possibility of another miscarriage - or a living sibling for Chris - or ending this ride for good. I just am not sure what to do anymore.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Pics from the wedding!

Finally, I am in for a few minutes to post pics from the wedding last Sunday - can't believe it was a week ago already, and Suzi and Mike are coming home tonight from the honeymoon. Yikes!


Can you tell how Chris felt about the idea of a tux??
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Waiting for Mommy to arrive... I haven't seen her all day!
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Our entrance (I am paired with Hubby's cousin, the bride's brother)...first in the procession:
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Closer-up of Chris:
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Suzi and Mike, waiting for the real service to begin:
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After the "I Do's" - we are LEGAL!
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The happy couple (can you believe she is 18 weeks PG!):
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Our entrance into the reception:
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Will the real Chris, please stand up!
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My favorite pic from the entire night:
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There will be more, better pics once Suzi gets them from the photographer... Until then, enjoy these!

Friday, November 17, 2006

Just realized it has almost been a year...

...since I lost my second angel. November 22, 2005 at 9:30 am.

I can't believe how different my life is now - and how different it should have been. With everything going on the past few weeks, it kinda snuck up on me and I am not prepared to face it. I am not ready to face this day - maybe my bosses will let us out early for the holiday so I can take a few minutes for myself...

I hate this....

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Updates, Updates and Updates...and crappy workload!

I am FINALLY getting back to post an update after the "wedding of the century" (which, by the way, went very well.... Will post pics of Chris in his monkey suit very soon (he looked very smashing!).

I am just "down" at the moment because this is the first time I have had the chance to either post here or on my BG's in more than 2 weeks! Work has been kicking my ass like crazy - everything is a priority, everything needed to be done yesterday...and some of it is because others involved in the projects NOT at Rutgers have dragged their feet on their jobs, which turn it into a rush for me. It is very aggrivating - not to mention, I feel like I am dropping the ball on my end and things are falling through the cracks, which is not how I like to work. The stress is the highest it has been in a long time here, and it's not going to get any easier until well into the new year - just in time for me to get back into TTC. Something has to give here...just not sure what. So, I hope that, now that the wedding is over, maybe I can at least post on the weekends...

For now, on to the updates I can get to today...

In my "Update to "...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!"" post from 9/27, I went over where I stood with my current bloodwork... Here is how all of that stands now with the bloodwork I had done on 10/27 (Dr. D was holding the bloodwork results "hostage" until we met for our TTC consult on Monday night...more on that and the appointment with the other upper-GI doc after the results of all of the bloodletting):

For the MTHFR issues (which is the BIGGIE with TTC again and the #1 factor in my miscarriages thus far):

Homocysteine levels:

  • from May: 10.8
  • from August: 15.3
  • from October 27: 3.9
  • average range limits: 3.3-10.4 (although the limits on the 10/27 bloodwork says limits are 5.0-12.0, and I am below that!).
WhooHoooo! This is the BEST news I could have received on Monday! That means that the Folgard I have been taking since August 30th has really been working and, although according to one range I am low, it puts me in a great position to TTC again without complications!

For Thyroid issues:


  • from July 15: 2.555
  • from August 15: 1.964
  • from September 22: 2.012
  • from October 27: 2.204
  • Average range limits: 0.350-5.500


  • from July 15: Not run
  • from August 15: 26
  • from September 22: 24
  • from October 27: 33
  • Average range limits: 24-39


  • from July 15: 12.1
  • from August 15: 13.6
  • from September 22: 7.2
  • from October 27: 7.1
  • Average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Free T4:

  • from July 15: not run
  • from August 15: 3.5
  • from September 22: 1.07
  • from October 27: 2.3
  • Average range limits: 1.2-4.9
As far as the thyroid stuff is concerned, I am still well within average limits despite the elevated anti-thyroid antibodies (which was not tested this time around), but I am still above the 2.0 TSH mark that Dr. S (the endocrinologist) wants it to be before Janaury. I have yet to speak to her about the results (I am going to call her today to confirm she received the results of the bloodwork) - but, I am sure that after it is re-tested at the end of this month, it still won't be below 2.0 and I will probably have to start taking meds for that. That is the crappy news, but not necessarily terrible because Dr. D still feels she is "nickle and diming" the number - although he will still defer to her on how she wants to handle it.

CD 3 Hormone check:


from October 27: 4.7
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 2.5-10.2


from October 27: 10.1
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 1.9-12.5

So, as always, I am well within average ranges - despite the irregular cycles. Gotta love it!

Now, onto the nitty-gritty of the doctors' visits from Monday:

I met with Dr. Stef on 11/13 around 3 pm. I had seen him before I got PG with Chris because I was crampy all of the time and Dr. D wanted me to see him to rule out intestinal issues - of course, I had the lovely scope done then (with anesthesia, of course!) and found I had a few Diverticuliti (not a big deal right now and quite common, unless it develops into Diverticulitis later on - which means scoping every 5 years - yuck!) and IBS. I explained what has been going on since April/May/June with the stomach pressure and nausea/vomiting episodes and how Dr. R did nothing about it (and how Dr. McC had to step in and put me on Librax to ease it off). He said what I have is called Gastritis/Gastro-Dyspepsia. He is pulling me off Librax and putting me back on Ativan/Lorazepam....again. If you recall from the spring, Lorazepam is what was suspected in triggering the GERD issues - so, I am not quite thrilled about trying it again for that reason, not to mention it is ALSO a Category C-D drug for pregnancy: Known fetal risks.

Although I am rather hesitant to take it again, the one thing he did that Dr. R didn't do was schedule a real follow-up on December 4th to see if the Lorazepam is working. If it is, but is causing GERD again, he will add in Aciphex again to stop that until the Gastritis ceases. He assured me we have plenty of time before January to get this really corrected so we can get back to TTC. It was a good, I just have to make the switch of meds, which I will do over the weekend since Lorazepam used to knock me out cold!

Hubby and I met later in the evening (around 7 pm) with Dr. D for the TTC consult, which went extremely well!

He is thrilled to see the homocysteine levels way down - and, told me that there is a new prenatal vitamin coming out that is made specifically for issues like mine, which he will switch me to once my current prescription runs out. So, I should only need one pill instead of two.

We discussed the baby aspirin/blood thinners idea and he said for now, not to take them. He may add in baby aspirin once I am PG because he has read all of the new studies too and it might be a good benefit for me after I am PG. But, taking into consideration my current stomach issues, he thinks taking it would be more detrimental to implantation than beneficial for the MTHFR issues. My homocystein, which is the real culprite for me since I am not testing positive for any other clotting disorders, is his main concern and it is down so well, he doesn't feel I need anything more right now. So, I stopped taking it as of Tuesday.

ETA: I did talk to Dr. D about my stomach issues and the meds I am on for that, since I had just seen Dr. Stef earlier in the day. Although lorazepam is a Category C-D drug for PG, he said it is not the worst of meds to be on getting PG. If the lorazepam works to help my stomach and I am still taking it when I get PG, I will need to come off it - and, if my stomach starts raging again, he will work with Dr. Stef to see what med would be safe to take when I am PG. So, that helps my reservations a bit about the lorazepam...for now. He does, however, want to make sure my stomach is better BEFORE starting TTC - if it is not, he wants to hold off until it is. Otherwise, how can I eat well, right?

He is going to check into the BC/BS High-Risk OB Managed Care program for me - if he can enroll me now so every doc is on the same page, he will. If enrollment has to wait until I am finally PG, he will make sure that happens right away. This is most important because Dr. McC's office staff are not the most compitent folks you could ever run across and he too has had problems getting messages to the doctors. So, he wants to make sure fluid communication is happening for me too.

We went over our TTC limits and, although he glad to see we have discussed this, he doesn't feel we will have to get to that point. He told me about one of his patients who had 9 miscarriages in between child #1 and #2 and he said that, statistically, she would eventually have a healthy pregnancy. But, he said that it got to the point where at each 8-week u/s, he had to tell her the baby was no longer living and she would go home to miscarry. He could never find out what the issue was - and she did eventually have child #2. But, he said that after a while, he couldn't understand how many more times she was going to put herself through it and was going to suggest that she stop TTC, at least for a while anyway. He is glad that for us, he will never have to force us to stop - we are looking at this in the right frame of mind and with the best of intentions for the perfect little guy we do have with it. It was very refreshing for him to hear that.

Last, but not least, we discussed the dreaded "protocol" for January...

He is giving us more say in how the cycle protocols, which is wonderful because we do have limits in place on how far we are willing to go. He gave us two options: Either try Clomid again for up to 4 cycles (number of cycles is up to us) and then move on to injectibles, or go straight to injectibles.

The drawbacks to going straight to injectibles are 1) he would chose to refer us out to the St. Barnabas IF clinic so I could be monitored more closely and in conjunction with the MFM clinic; 2) the chances of hyperstimulation are greater: If I did hyperstim, then that may mean a forced TTC break again, which we want to avoid; and 3) I would be responsible for injecting myself with the stims and the trigger (which, really, is no big deal in my world...but then again, I am responsible for doing it at the right time every day).

The drawbacks to trying Clomid again are that 1) we don't know what kind of reaction I will have to it - will it be like the previous cycles or better like when I conceived Chris? and 2) I will have to do OPKs in addition to his u/s monitoring - and I wanted to minimize the amount of "charting" I had to do on my own.

But, what I have in my HUGE favor right now is that I have lost 30-35 pounds since we first started TTC in 7/05 - which can make a big difference in how Clomid works. I weigh less than I did when I got PG with Chris on 50 mg Clomid - and he will be starting me off on 100 mg from the start this time around, if that is what we chose to do.

So, we decided to give Clomid one more chance - 2-3 cycles at most, starting at 100 mg and if that 1st cycle doesn't work, then moving on to the next 1-2 cycles on 150 mg. If that doesn't work, then we will move on to injectibles and do the referral to the clinic. All I have to do now is get a period in late December/early January and then we will be off and running....

...Of course, I highly doubt I will get a period on my own, so I am betting on needing Provera. But, sneaky me....HeeeHeee....didn't mention I still have the 9 Provera pills left that I didn't use because I got my period on my own this cycle after taking the first pill. So, if I don't have a period by Christmas day, my gift to me this year will be taking those 9 Provera pills and bringing on my own period - I just have to call and ask for the Clomid script before Christmas. just in case it starts early (Dr. D's office closed between Christmas and New Year's). HeeeHee!

So, the first step to all of this now is making sure my stomach rebounds and calms down... Keep your fingers crossed because we have 45 days until 2007 - and I would love to see a healthy BFP for my birthday on January 23rd!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Song for the Moment: Rhythm of Hope

...Back from picking up the dress (which looks faboo now that the boobs are puckering in the middle!) and had to post this song.

I love songs that take you a while to really unravel their meaning... The true depth of the song comes to you when you are experiencing the same thing as you listen to it. I have had the album Tribe since 2003, randomly spinning in the car for a while. But, on my way back from the bridal shop, as I was skipping through the CD changer, I came across the following song:

By Queensryche

Lying here awake again.
Minutes before dawn I hear your breathing,
your heart beat like a song.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little less then good but
seeing things for the first time like I never could.

I’ve had my head down against the door,
trying to get to something I couldn’t find before.
That special something, that feeds my soul,
is a rhythm to live by, it’s a rhythm of hope.

Something drives us onwards.
Something gives us strength.
What makes our judgment falter is the questions we think.
Who am I to fly so high?
What gives me the right to dream of what could be,
keep reaching for the light?

I’ve been standing in front of that door,
basing my happiness on what’ I knew before.
Searching for something that moves my soul.
A rhythm to hold to, a rhythm to live to.

Have you been down like this before?
I guarantee there’s something waiting for you just open that door.
A rhythm to live by, that moves your soul.
A rhythm that holds you.
A rhythm to live to.

And if there’s one thing we all need now,
it’s a rhythm to live by, a rhythm of hope.

Lying here awake again.

Sure fits where I am right now... Trying to find my rhythm of hope. I have spent so long comparing how things have went before recurrent loss entered my world to how they are now, and it only squashes the hope out of my soul.

As I write out my list of questions for Dr. D on Monday, I am wondering if I should just abandon that list like I am abandoning temping and charting - and just let be what will be. Maybe that is where my hope needs to be.

** Also, please say a special prayer for Zia today... She is having her FET this afternoon, and I am wishing, praying, hoping that she finds herself knocked up in 2 weeks. It's her time... **

Gearing up for Monday's TTC Consult...and other stuff

It has been a rather hectic week... Between the windfall at work and mahem of Suzi's wedding on Sunday, there hasn't been much room to breathe these days.

Where to begin...where to begin...

Hubby and I have been clashing a lot recently... Between trying to get things settled for the wedding (like tux fitting for Chris, dress fittings for me, finding shoes, yada, yada, yada) and Hubby's whacked-out work schedule, there has been no time for "us" at all.

He got home from work on Monday night at 10 pm - and, of course, Chris would not go to sleep for me. So, I got absolutely nothing done Monday night. I was flippin mad: He doesn't make that much more than I do right now, and I only have a bachelor's degree that I don't even use. He's not getting paid overtime for this...and the attorney he works for, at least to me at this point, it totally using him for his own agendas. The guy doesn't want to drop any of the cases he is working on - it's an ego thing at this point - so, with only a two-person practice, that puts a huge load onto Hubby. The guy can't pay Hubby more right now because he needs to collect fees from his clients - and, for whatever reason, he is hesitant to do it. So, Hubby is doing triple the work he did at his old firm for 75% of that pay. Doesn't seem fair at all.

Hubby went on a job interview last Friday - looked soooo promising: 8-5 pm, great salary, health benefits equivalant to mine at Rutgers, gym on-site. It was a primo job - and he had "an in" there, since one of the other attorneys he used to work with at the State now works there. Would have been my first chance to cut back to part time, and keep great IF benefits. But, he got an e-mail - YES, an E-MAIL - on Monday afternoon saying that they chose someone else because Hubby had "too much litigation experience." WTF??? He busted his butt to get that experience, to only have it bite him back and be a negative? What gives on that?

I was so upset - not only for him that he didn't get the job, but for me that I am back to the never ending cycle of full-time work at a job an hour away - that I barely spoke to him on Monday. I know it wasn't his fault....but I took it out on him anyway, and I feel bad for that. But, Hubby, being the ever-understanding person that he can be through my emotional ups and downs, sent me the following on Tuesday to my office:

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He is such a sweetie. ...And, of course, I had to apologize for my rather child-like behavior.

We also found out yesteday that Hubby's former boss at his State job in Newark was killed yesterday... It was quite a blow, since he was such a nice man. They are investigating it as a possible suicide - which we absolutely do not believe is what happened - because he fell off the platform of the Bridgewater train station and was struck by a train not scheduled to stop. We are waiting to hear what happened - for real. And, we are waiting to hear about funeral plans and such... What a loss this is. He was the one instrumental in getting Hubby into counseling for his own personal "deamons" from childhood. He was just a nice man: Mentor, friend.

Work has been absolutely crazy - there are just too many jobs to do, and everything is a priority. I knew this was coming - how could it not when you have a Director and three other Associate Directors (or minions) coming at you with "urgent" jobs to take care of. Not to mention, the lack of good communication between the four of them! This is the first time in the 8+ years I have worked here where I feel like I am making mistakes and can't keep up. The worst part? We have no one to pawn jobs off to - our office is too small and we are all overloaded. And, it is only going to get worse in January when we get our DHS grant - JUST in time for me to get back into TTC! Yippee!

I also found out how V from my pervious post (see post on How can a "habitual aborter" ever think this way??) had her miscarriage - which makes me feel even worse for the thoughts I have been having over the entire thing. She was on her way in to work and stopped into Dunkin Donuts. While on line, she started getting terrible cramps and an urge to use the bathroom. She went into the bathroom and miscarried right in the D&D ladies room. It's bad enough she had to miscarry in the first place, but to have to do so in such a public place, alone, is just not right. Add to that, her fiance didn't support her all that much, which really made her crash. They have patched things up a bit for now - seems like he just didn't know what to say. But, that sure doesn't sound like much hope for that relationship now. I will see her for the first time on Saturday night at the rehearsal dinner... How does one handle that?

We saw Zia's show in Red Bank on Friday (she is in 1776). It was fabulous! Never saw the show before - and, besides the entertainment factor, it was quite the history lesson. Zia is just sooooo talented... I wish she would consider trying the big time someday, KWIM? She has a voice that is just amazing, and it is too good not to share.

As for wedding stuff... in a little more than 48 hours, it will ALL BE OVER! WooHoo! I am excited for Suzi, but the mega planning in less than two months has caused my MIL, Cookoo (Hubby's aunt and mom of the bride) and Rocky (Hubby's grandmother) to clash like I have never seen before. Amazing what one event can do...

Anywways, it was a bit of a battle to get Chris fitted for his tuxedo - the second he saw the tape measure (a la the pediatrician's office), he started crying. We took him back on Wednesday night for a fitting...and of course, the second he recognized the building, the waterworks began. But, he did okay and the tux fits fine. Now, we are having an issue with him even wanting to carry the pillow down the isle....that is, if he will even go down the isle!! My IL's are trying to train him right now.

I am picking up my dress today over lunch. Went for another fitting yesterday (with our poor System Administrator in tow since we had to carpool yesterday - his wife's car was in the shop) and I still had a stupid bubble appearing in the boob area. NEVER had that happen before...but, since losing the 35 pounds I lost, I went down from a 40 cup to a 34 cup! So, it figures this would be a problem now. But, it should be done and ready to go today.

And, we can add to all of the wedding hoopla the pre-holiday agruments of my parents (gotta love it!). My father is insisting he needs a hip replacement surgery NOW, which means disability pay and my mom getting upset over the bills getting paid. My sister and I are trying to brainstorm on how this is all going to work out - that is, when we can talk since she is busy with her life too.

Phew! Talk about an update! So, let's add more stress to the pile, why don't we?

After we recover from the wedding on Sunday, I go to see the other gastroenterologist in my GP's office at 2:45 pm (Dr. Stef). I am hoping we can finally figure out, once and for all, why my stomach is still a mess. Don't get me wrong - it's been MUCH, MUCH better since being on the Librax. But, I can't take Librax while TTC/PG (it's a Category C drug - known to cause birth defects in babies), so we have to figure out another way to manage it, and why I am having such a problem in the first place. This guy is goooood! So, I hope I have some answers on Monday.

Also on Monday evening is my TTC consult with Dr. D. I have already started my list of questions (including referals for a hemotologist and baby aspirin/bloodthinners while PG) to present to him, and to give him my reservations on using Clomid again. I am very nervous about this appointment... Just don't know what I am going to get in terms of hope for starting again. At least he has the bloodwork that was done on October 27th - so, finding out the results of all of that should at least give us a starting point.

Probably won't be able to post until after the wedding... Here's to all of us having a good time, and I will post pics on Monday!

Friday, November 03, 2006

How can a "habitual aborter" ever think this way??

...And I mean this about MYSELF!!!

In my post No one told me to take the water filter off out tap... on October 3rd, I wrote about how two of Suzi's friends (a long-time girlfriend and a long-time guy friend's new girlfriend) found out they were both pregnant, due only a few weeks after Suzi.

Unfortunately, I was told this morning that V (Suzi's friend from kindergarten, whom I have known as long as Suzi has since I met Suzi right before she started school) had a miscarriage yesterday. She would have been about 10 weeks along this week. She had a lot of cramping yesterday morning and started bleeding heavily, so she went to the ER and apparently miscarried while she was there. No one has heard from her since yesterday afternoon...not surprising, I suppose. After I had to go back and tell people about my miscarriages, I really didn't want to talk to anybody either...

I feel terribly about the news... A surprise pregnancy that could have meant a huge positive change in V's life, now lost. I spoke to Suzi earlier today and told her that if she does speak to V at some point today, to tell her that she can call me any time if she needs anything. I've been through this more than I ever imagined I would be. No one deserves to have to walk this road of sorrow and pain - even if the pregnancy happened at "the worst possible time" in someone's life.

But, here's the part that I can't understand about myself - especially after having been down this road several times myself and having the stigma of being referred to as a "habitual aborter" in my medical charts: I have some strange feelings of relief that this happened to V.

V has always had the potential to be a "nice" girl - Whitty, pretty, outgoing, smart. But, she also has some traits that are not very becoming: She is a "player" with men, dabbles in drinking/drugs here and there when out at clubs, is a "user" to get what she wants (even at the expense of friends at times), can be irreponsible when asked to do something. She has chosen to live her life way more risque than anyone else in Suzi's circle of friends. Although V has been dating her fiance (whom she just got engaged to after finding out she was pregnant and currently has a January 2007 wedding planned) for 5 years, she has cheated on him all along - and has told Suzi and their other friends about the various "rolls through the hay" she has had. Who's to say she hasn't picked up an STD from one of the guys she has been with? She actually wasn't even sure if the baby was her fiance's to begin with...although she never told him that.

I know that this feeling of relief that the baby has gone to a better place is very wrong - It is not like me at all to think this way, yet I am in this case. Is it because I am very jealous that she managed to get herself knocked up so easily when the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are razor slim? Is it because her lifestyle up until now has been one that would not have fostered the best enviroment for a baby? Or for her own health, for that matter? Why am I thinking this way?

I don't like how these thoughts are creeping in to my head... It is not right. Especially now that my faith is coming back to me. Or, is it if I am having these thoughts?

I do believe people have the capacity to change - and maybe she might have changed, had this baby not been lost. But, what if she didn't change? Would it have been a good life for this child to have to live with? Is it for the best that this baby be in a much more peaceful place than the turmoil of V's current life?

It's not my right to judge this, yet I am. It is not my right to say who's deserving of a healthy pregnancy who is not. And, shame on me for doing it. It is amazing how your life experiences can taint your ways of thinking...

I feel for her...I really do. I just wish I could shut off these judgemental thoughts...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Interrupting the regularly scheduled bloggings for some Halloween fun.

I am interrupting my regularly scheduled bloggings for some Halloween fun... Since Halloween 2005 was probably the worst Halloween ever (considering I was just finding out about my November 2005 miscarriage on Halloween Day 2005), I resolved to make this Halloween (and all of the upcoming holidays for that matter) much better for all of us!

Halloween morning was spent shopping for shoes for Chris since Men's Warehouse does not carry children's wide shoes for their tuxedo line (Chris has some chunky feet!). Yuck! But, Chris was quite the trooper trying shoes on.

Then we went to visit Papa (Hubby's dad) at work, where he flirted with the ladies like mad (am I in trouble when he gets older!). Then, on a whim, my MIL and I took Chris over to see the Irvington Fire Department fleet (since the Fire Department is right next to town hall, where my FIL's office is). He loved it!

After a much battled-over nap (yep, Mommy won!), Hubby got home early from work and we got Chris dressed in his costume...

Chris heading up the stairs to Grandma and Pop-Pop's house (my parents). Don't you love the Pablo butt!!! (Don't look at mine....I have none!)
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Chris beaming in his costume.
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Chris sneaking candy from Grandma's stash...
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Chris saying Hi! to "The Great Pumpkin"
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Chris scratching an itch...
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The Pensive Pablo
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Chris waiting his turn to Trick or Treat.
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Chris eating his dinner in his costume at Nanny and Papa's (my IL's)
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Chris finally made the connection this year as to what Halloween is all about....and stayed in his costume for over 4 hours straight!

....Can't wait to see him ham it up at Suzi's wedding in the tux on November 12th!