I don't think I am ready for this

Saturday night, Hubby and I were getting Chris ready for bed. Bath was done, pajamas were on. We were all snug on our bed with his binky, his drink and his book.

Out of the blue - mid-story - he says to us "baby sister".

Hubby and I stopped and looked at each other, not sure what to say or think. The words had absolutely nothing to do with the book we were reading... And, any time you ask him if he ever wanted a baby sister or baby brother, he always - always - answers "baby brother."

We paused reading and asked him if he wanted a baby sister or baby brother. She then immediately answered "baby brother" like he always does.

So ,we let the comment pass because, quite frankly, we didn't know where it came from. We finished the book, he finished his drink and it was time for sleep.

...But, those two words just wouldn't leave me Saturday night. They made no sense...

Although, I think he knew what he was saying.

So, Sunday morning, I decided what the hell. I will do a HPT. I had them left over from the summer (I did throw out the OPK's because I was no longer going to chart because of the stress it was causing...and with Chris' diagnosis, we still had not made any decision on whether to continue on the TTC road or not), so it wasn't like I was spending unnecessary money on them:





























As you can see, three days worth of tests (or four if you count the digital one I did this morning that I have not taken a pic of yet - and, yes, I did go out and buy two additional boxes of HPTs on Monday to get the tests on 10/1, 10/2 and 10/3!) make it pretty clear what has happened...

...With no meds.

...No ultrasounds.

...No IUI.

...No OPKs.

...No charting.

I am scared.

This is always what I had hoped and wished for - to get pregnant, the old fashioned way. Now that it is here, I am having a very hard time with the reality of those positive HPTs I am starting at.

I keep thinking, if I look again at them - all stored in a box in the bathroom - the lines and the "pregnants" are going to disappear. They are not going to be there. It was all a dream or wacky sense of reality.

And, I am very scared.

This is not what I was expecting to happen right now...although, maybe the $20 spent at the Boardwalk psychics' wasn't a waste after all?? I should have really listened to them?? And living life again without the stress of TTC actually did prove to be the best advice I could have ever listened too??

Uh, I am rather scared.

So, I am already going in for my first of three betas today...at what I think is 14 DPO (not 100% sure of that since I was not charting steadily or to detect an ovulation). My Levoxyl is upped in dosage as of this morning (I called my endocrinologist yesterday with the news). I am coming off Lexapro - again, and quickly. My first prenatal appointment - my scheduled annual now changed in diagnosis code - is on October 24th. Dr. D's office is lining up the MFM stuff.

And, I am scared as hell.

Chris is not placed in an appropriate program yet - hell, we haven't even gotten close to IEP yet! I need to make sure he is in the right placement - and soon - for his best possible chance succeeding in his life.

We still have to contemplate moving, based on what happens with Chris' progress - and we have so many things yet to fix up in our house.

Hubby just found out he has to look for a new job again (his new job in July decided he didn't have enough experience for the position - after telling him he was doing a great job and had such potential at the firm just a few weeks ago)...so now he is hooking back with his previous boss for a while - with the lousy commute - until he can find something new.

Our new associate director is stirring up trouble again (more on that later - although University Human Resources told her yesterday in a meeting with my Director that if she is not happy with her job, she should look for a new one!).

And, I am scared beyond words.

Hubby knows about this... My Director and Center Administrator know (so I can get the time for the betas - they are thrilled and praying for us). One friend will know tonight when I call her.

No one else knows yet...not even the grandparents. And I feel like a heel for not telling at least the grandparents. I really need the support right now - but, I am so afraid of having to un-tell everyone.

Again.

I am too scared to let this news out.

To scared that this will be another false alarm.

To scared that my ovulation - whenever it was - was not good enough.

To scared to hope that these tests will result in, finally, a sibling for Chris.

To scared to allow myself to dream and be happy about this.

Thank goodness I go for counseling next week! What a shocker this news will be to my therapist!

I am trying so hard to be positive about this very big surprise - and wrap my head around the fact that maybe this was just meant to be (although I am extremely hesitant to even write that out, even here on my own blog).

I am emotionally numb...and every twinge, ache, and feel of any CM (normal CM!) makes me fear the worst possible outcome...and prompts a run for the bathroom, waiting to see something on the TP. And, it has only been 4 days of knowing.

How I have been robbed of the joy I felt when I found out I was PG with Chris... The blissful ignorance that nothing could go wrong.

I wish I could have that back...and enjoy the sight of a positive pregnancy test.