Wednesday, September 24, 2008

...and what the future holds, take two

Hubby and I were talking about my desire to be a stay-at-home mom the other night. He mentioned that he wasn't so sure I could be happy being a stay-at-home mom...that I might get bored, or need something to help me "identify" myself other than being a mom.



Now, I don't totally agree with him. I LOVED being at home with the boys over the summer - and, I may be more inclined to organize more things around the house if I were home all of the time. I could be around more for school stuff. Make some of the extra efforts I have to cut because of time.

However, being home without a "full time" job outside of raising my boys would give me a chance to do some things that, up until now, I have not really been able to do:


I have always wanted time to volunteer time to some worthy cause(s) - to give back and help those who are going through the things I have gone through.

Long ago, I had thought of volunteering at a hospital in the pediatric/maternity area - if there is such a thing. Rocking the babies that need to be held. But, as idealistic as that sounds, I think my experiences through loss have refocused my thoughts on this...

...back to something I left behind about 13 years ago.

My psychology bachelors degree.

You see, I never was able to find a support group in my area to turn to for help when I needed it most. I was blessed to find Dr. P - from since I have "graduated" to not having to see anymore. He gave me that elusive male-perspective on my losses - and dug deeper into things that were not necessarily connected to the losses. However, what I lacked, save for the people I met though blogging and FF, was a connection to someone who had really been through what I had.

When Hubby and I were at the birth refresher class back in May, we had to go around and introduce ourselves to the class - explain our backgrounds, how many children we had, what complications we had.

There were a few with IF issues present.

...But, I was the only one who had been through recurrent miscarriage.

We kinda felt like the elephant in the room that evening.

I would really like to begin some kind of support group in my area - bring women together who need it through advertising in local ob/gyn offices and hospitals. Advertising in areas that are the most obvious for us who have been through a loss to look.

How to begin that? I am not sure. (Ideas are always welcome. *wink* *wink*)

I am going to start with calling the counselor who now has business cards in Dr. D's office (where was she three years ago???). And, calling Dr. P to see what he recommends (he is an Associate Professor at a local university).

I have not felt this strongly about something in a very long time.... I just hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to do it.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Remembering...and what the future holds

I lost my first baby angel four years ago first inkling of what my future held, both good and bad.

I miss you, sweet one. Even though your time with me was the shortest of all, you are still remembered and held in my heart. You were a part of us - and that is something I will never forget.

I have learned so much in these past four years of joy and loss - not to take life for granted, to try not sweating the small stuff, to live in the moment and be grateful for what I have. To live my life again and let go of the hurts while remembering the impacts on my life.

As much as I miss all three of my angels and the anniversaries that surround you all still sadden me, I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me. Without those lessons, my family as it is now would not be here.

I have taken quite a hiatus from posting here...not sharing much from my three months off with the boys. I apologize for not sharing. And, I will get back to posting pictures and stories soon. However, I needed that time alone to reconnect with Chris and savor the new light in our lives, Gabriel. I wanted to horde my time with my boys for just me - rather old fashioned, I know. But, I wanted to be able to look back on those three months in my own way, like embracing an old photograph with the memories that are only yours. I worried for so long about going through another miscarriage, hardly enjoying the gift of this last pregnancy - I needed to have something for myself, that I could always treasure and enjoy and celebrate.

...Now, as I await the new template for my blog, I am trying to figure out where this blog will be going.

I don't want this blog to babble on about the "woes" of my life...especially about the difficulties of balancing two children while working. That would be a slap in the face to those who are going through their own journeys of of infertility and/or loss. And, it would be an even greater slap in the face to my own angels and experiences.

But, where is my blog going? I am not totally sure.

Now, there may be talk in the future of a third child - a big confession for me to be making right now, especially since Gabriel is still so young. And, especially because I didn't think I could put myself and my family through the uncertainty and nervousness of another 9 months. But, the thought is not our of our hears yet. We feel, right now, drawn to the thought of a third child - can't quite explain the draw, but it is there. And, surprisingly more on Hubby's part than mine. However, that "draw" depends a lot on finances and where we are emotionally. Whatever we decide, we will not "try" - it would be a more "let us live our lives and see what happens" thing. The one thing I cannot do is to put pressure on myself to TTC. If it is meant to be, it will be when the time is right - just like how Gabriel blessed our lives at the right time.

Other than that, I am trying to figure out where I am going...

The only thing I am sure of right now is of my #1 goal - to be a stay at home mommy sooner than later.

We have refinanced our mortgage - not an easy feat to do since we had soooo much paperwork to submit and sign. With that refi, we payed a lot of debts off, closed quite a few credit cards and paid off my Subaru. That leaves us now with our mortgage, one credit card and Hubby's big law school loan to pay off.

...And, Hubby starts a new job (finally!!!) on 10/1 with a big law firm in Roseland - higher pay, good health benefits, retirement plan, and eligibility for a pay raise already in January.

If we can save money now and Hubby can do well at this new job, then I hope to at least cut back on work to part-time sometime in the next 1-2 years.

From there, we will see where life - and my blog - takes us. I hope I can share that with all of you and still give those who are going through their journeys now some support.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

After all these years

Hubby and I met 21 years ago today...high school sweethearts all the way...through so many bumps and turns in the road as naive sweethearts and seasoned life-partners.

As we stare down 10 years of marriage in October - with the good, the not-so-good and the just plain bad - here's to you, honey.

...I could not have made it through all the sadness without you. May we show our boys what love is all about.

After All These Years
by Journey

A faded wedding photograph
You and me in our first dance
Our eyes are closed
We're lost in one sweet embrace
Since those days the world has changed
But our love remains the same
God knows we've had our share of saving grace

And I'm proud of all the blessings
You have given me
The mountains we have climbed to get this far
You've learned to take the laughter with the tears
After all these years

You make it feel brand new
After the fires that we walked through
Against the odds we never lost our faith

In our house we've made our home
Where our children all have grown
Precious moments time cannot erase

Make a living up and down the gypsy highways
Seasons that we've had to share apart
Somehow in my heart I always keep you near me
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

After all these years
You stood by me
The days and nights that I was gone
After all these years
You've sacrificed, believed in me
And you stood strong
Cause with our love there's nothing left to fear
After all these years

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Please be patient.... I am awaiting a new blog template to be designed. As you can tell, my old one is now removed since the designer went by-by - and it looks horrible right now.

I will begin posting again once my blog is up and running...