Sunday, January 07, 2007

Some more self-realizations

I have been thinking so much the past few days of this New Year - self-realizations that I have not been able to see at all over the past year or so. I am just glad I am seeing them now instead of 30+ years from now like MIL, as she is beginning to see for herself as she watches (and talks to) me going through this.

These thoughts started on Friday when I realized how many things I actually don't remember after my last miscarriage. I was working on some manuscript files my Director is editor-in-chief for...files that, up until this past week, he has not had time to review since, well, April 2006. He had some questions on a few of the files, like were the referees thanked for their reports and if the authors received copies of the reports from the referees - and, quite frankly, if the print-outs of the correspondance were not in the files (which some of them were not), I really couldn't say if they were or weren't sent.

This is the first time in my life that I cannot recall what I did at work. I document EVERYTHING to have back-up, but this time I had not. I never delete an e-mail or a document at work because I know someday I will need it. I have e-mails and documents on my PC going back to when I started working there (again) in August 1998! Yet, I could not remember a thing from March or April.

March and April were bad... Unlike the long Thanksgiving weekend I had to "recover" from the d&e in November 2005, I went right back to work two days after the d&c in March 2006. Not having that time to start to address what happened with the miscarriage- a loss that I had no idea was coming since I had all of the morning sickness signs I had with Chris - and having a full load on my plate at work was a very bad combination... A combination that cost me almost a year of my life.

It has been so nice to play with Chris with my full head and heart present again... For the past few months, I have felt like my time with him has been like watching him through a clouded window: I was there only watching him play while everyone else interacted with him and had fun. I was not able to be interactive. I was not present. I was not part of the fun - nor a part of his memories.

And there is no way to get that time back now... Time with him that is already short.

I hate the fact that miscarraige is not always viewed by the outside world as a real loss. women are expected to be over it so quickly - like that baby growing inside of you was never really a part of your heart and soul. When one of the ladies from one of my BG's went through the stillbirth of her daughter last fall (which I know she is still dealing with now), she was at least able to have a funeral, a proper burial for her child lost. She was not expected back at work for a while and had that time to mourn. She is still mourning - but she did not have to face the outside world until she was a little more ready to.

I was not allowed to have that time.

If it had not been for the long Thanksgiving weekend following my d&e in 11/05, I probably would have been back two days later at work too.

But, two days is just not enough to begin to grieve those losses...hence why I am still here, learning how to let go and move forward with my life.

That is not to say my bosses wouldn't have allowed me the extra time - I think if I truly knew I needed the time, they would have allowed it. But, I was trying to run from the losses too - burrying myself in my work to escape. So, I am partly to blame. I didn't think I needed the time - I was turning into a "pro" at miscarriage now since this was my third.

I wish things could have been handled differently...so I wouldn't have lost so much time. I wish I had realized what I was doing to myself - and what others were in turn not doing for me to realize it myself - so I wouldn't be sitting here in January 2007 trying to find myself again.

Hubby at least was making the effort, as were a very few select friends (Zia included) and ladies I know on-line. But, until you can truly see for yourself, their efforts are in vain.

But, I guess an addict - whether it be drugs, alcohol, food, work or continued grief - in the end cannot see it from other people. They have to see it for themselves. And that is the hardest thing to do in life - see things for what they really are.

...I am glad I can see them now... I am enjoying my Chris again.

Hubby pointed out to me last night, as he slept in my arms at 6:30 pm after refusing to take a nap around 1 pm, that I looked like I was holding him for the first time - like I looked when he was first born. In a way, that idea is not that far from the truth. In many ways, I do feel like this is a new birth - a new birth of spirit and love for me and for my family.

1 comment:

dianne said...

hey tina- havent had the chance to read this one left but someone on FF mentioned this site and i wanted to show you... it could be good...
http://www.thefertilesoul.com/