Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Homework assignment: Name Your "Failures"

"Failure is just the process we have to give our inner beings a way to tell us that we have reached a place of awareness and strength, where we are ready to move to a new level of our growth and our development."
This is the latest quote from my "For Women Who Do Too Much" calendar. And, well, it hits home right now for my latest homework assignment Dr. P gave me last night: Make a list of what I perceive as my "failures" or shortcomings in the various areas of my life: Family, friends, work, personally - and, come back with that list so we start going through it, one item at a time, to can analyze the items and help me to begin seeing that I have not failed at all.

I told him he was a very big meanie for giving me this assignment! This is going to be a tough one to deal with... It means really looking at how I think, why I think that way, and how to start learning to shut it off. I know I have to do this - I want to start overcoming my anxiety and moving on with my life. And, doing this is the only means of starting.

So, I am going to start my list here - a continuous log that I will add to when I think of the various ways I feel I have "failed" in my life, or shortchanged myself. What I am listing here are things that my logical brain knows I have not failed on, but my heart perceives them that way anyway. What I am listing are things that are way beyond my control, and my logical brain knows I could have never prevented...yet my heart is still bashing me on them. What I am listing are things I have been trying to let go, but my heart still wants me to churn over and over and over again.

Watch for changes often through my next appointment (March 8th) ....and eventually, how we manage to get my heart to be on the same page as my brain.

This is not going to a pretty post...
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List as of 3/8:

Where I have failed myself on, personally:

  • Not being able to hold a pregnancy since having Chris
  • Not being able to get pregnant on my own, even before my pregnancy with Chris
  • Not being able to give Chris a sibling
  • Not being able to grieve my losses completely and finally move on
  • Not giving or being able to give myself adaquate time for things I enjoy, and to relax
  • Not being honest with myself (and others) about how I feel
  • Not being able to say "no" to things
Where I have failed Chris:
  • Missing precious time with Chris while I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me
  • Missing time with him while I have to work
  • Not taking joy in the little things he does when I was really feeling crappy
Where I have failed my Hubby:
  • Having to rely on him more to do the things around the house I should be able to do
  • Having to rely on him so much as I address my real issues
  • Not always being there for him when he has a bad day, or things have been on his mind
  • Not always enjoying the hobbies he is in to
Where I have failed my angel babies:
  • Not praying and hoping enough for them to stay with us
  • Not enjoying the small amount of time I had carrying them
Where I have failed my family:
  • Not being able to help my parents and IL's out as much as I want to
  • Missing neices'/nephews' birthdays
  • Not speaking to my brother
Where I have failed my friends:
  • Not always being there for them when they needed it most
  • Not always having the time to just go out and have fun
  • Having to rely on them to much to vent how I feel
Where I have failed my work:
  • Sometimes not being able to organize my tasks in an orderly fashion
  • Not always having my head in the right place while doing my job
  • Feeling like my bosses cannot rely on me right now to "fix" things that go wrong
Other, more general "failures":
  • Not always keeping the house as clean as I should
  • Not getting our bedroom finished, or our kitchen re-done

7 comments:

Adrienne said...

It's amazing, the standards we hold up to ourselves. And how we don't give ourselves enough credit. I'm a failure-aholic, too, so I get where you're coming from. I hope Dr. P. helps you to shut off that voice that tells you that you've failed - it lies. (Easier said than done, I know.)

cat said...

*raises hand* yep have that little voice as well. screaming away inside you screwed that one up again. may you find a way to silence it over time. adrienne is so right it's always so much easier said than done. *hugs*

dianne said...

definately too hard on yourself! But of course I know what you mean, I do the same thing.... sheesh, nothing can be easy!
Dianne

HellcatJill said...

*Hug*

I have that same voice, and I sometimes feel like I will always be fighting to silence it.

The Town Criers said...

I'm glad your brain knows, even if your heart does not. I'm also sending a hug.

I actually think this is a brilliant idea. It made me start thinking about my own failure list.

What I'd also like to see above this one is an accomplishment list. What have you done well?

Tina said...

Thank you for all of your comments.

Melissa: I am hoping that, as we review this list, a much larger list of what I have done well will come out of it. I know I have accomplished a lot in my life - and I will start that list too this week (starting with Chris). But, I need to address these "failures" so that I can see for myself that they are not really failures in the end - which is something that I just can't seem to make myself accept.

Jessica said...

I think if every one wrote a failure list it would be quite long, and sometimes we view our own failures harsher than others would. There's a bigger picture to all of it.

For instance, I could say I failed ME because I didn't see this good specialist til she was 3-4 months old instead of reseraching and finding him before she was even born. Others would say no that's not a failure, that's an accomplishment cuz many people didn't find him til their child was 3-4 YEARS old.

Anyway it's hard to be "superwoman" and do it all. I don't particularly think you've failed, just that you have a lot on your plate, and well if you feel you need to better balance it all out, than that's ok.

I will pray though that you find the balance you need to make yourself feel better about it all.