Unsure of what I am feeling these days

I've been MIA for a while... Work has been kicking my ass, with preparing for two back-to-back summer programs (7/17-7/24 and 7/29-8/4), seven reports to submit to our funding sources, and a dumb as can be space survey for our department which will garner us no extra cash. All of this has to be done before July 31st - and I am drowning in the work.

Maybe it was a good thing not to be doing an IUI cycle in the midst of this. Where would I make up the friggin time?

Oh, did I mention that my house is torn apart still? Not that it is a bad thing really - I have pics to post of the before, during and after of the living room, and it is going to look great! But, trying to get Hubby to move his behind and do the things he needs to do (like order/set up the install of the matching carpeting for the new area, getting new alarm sensors for the new windows, helping to organize Chris' toys so we can put things away once the addition is finished) is a feat worse than death. I love him dearly, but he is one of the LAZIEST people I know! I hate to nag him on things (or, better put, try not to put too much pressure on myself to control the situation), but I already had to threaten throwing his clothes out the front bedroom window if he didn't put them away! My side of the bedroom is relatively clear - his, you need a fork-lift to pass through! It's insane that he can find his underwear!

Anyways, first and foremost...

Speaking of the Hubby...




...Hubby GOT A NEW JOB!!!




WoooHooo! He can finally say farewell to his current bipolar boss! He went on an interview with the University law school on June 25th and was told he would hear about the job about 3-4 weeks from that date (the director was heading out for vacation the next day). After the interview, he got a call from a firm about 20 minutes north of us to come in for an interview too - it was scheduled for early morning June 27th. By the time he got into work and settled in that day, they were calling him to make an offer!

Waaaaay cool!

He starts his new job on July 23rd. He will have the same health benefits I have (not the faboo plan I have, but the same company so I wouldn't have to find new docs to go to) and is making WAY more $ than at his current job. Which means that, by this time next year...



...I should be quitting working full time!!!



Woohooo!



So, I am currently thinking of these summer programs as the last I will run here (ten summers worth, to be exact!), but not saying anything until (hopefully) I am pregnant again and approaching 5-6 months along so I can tell my bosses to hire someone and let me train them before I leave.

The thought of being able to spend 2-3 more days a week with Chris is very exciting. We need it right now, since he is starting to rebel a bit on me. Chris has decided he is going to give me (and ONLY ME) a hard time at dinner with eating things I KNOW he will eat for my mom and MIL. Insert he can manage to eat his dessert - which just doesn't fly in my book! He is constantly looking for my attention when I am home - which he is totally justified in asking for, but I can't always give him right then and there since I have to squish cooking/cleaning/etc. into an already tight schedule. I hate the fact he is already three years old and has grown up so much without me. It would be nice to spend more time with him than with my bosses. He deserves that since he was so longed for and not easy to come into our lives.

The only (minor) glitch is if the University law school calls Hubby and makes him an offer too. He really, REALLY wants that job - but, since I already work for the University and know it's payroll process fairly well, I am just not sure he would be making as much right off the bat as he is with this new firm...

...Which could mean my plan of cutting to part time might get scrapped or delayed.

I would like to see him work for the University (then I would REALLY have the same health plans as I have now if I quit to part time and he would be in a position he could enjoy more with his JD), but I also want and need to be home more.

...So, we are waiting until we hear something.

Chris' speech is getting much, MUCH better now - figures, since his evaluation with the pediatric neurologist is just a month away! But, I we are still going through the eval process, just to be on the safe side. He is coming out with stuff that can make you pee your pants with laughter, which is great.

...But, that also means he is growing up more. And, I am sad for that, while also glad for it.

I still have to post on Mommy's garden...and post pics. I did get that Mountain Laurel plant I wanted:





...and it looks like one of the flowers may be ready to bloom, even though it might be slightly out of season for it. If it does, I will post the pic.

I am picking so much stuff from my vegetable garden: Herbs, cherry tomatoes, zucchini's and broccoli! We made baked potatoes with the broccoli, grilled zucchini, dried my herbs and made lemon-dill carrots with the dill from the garden. It is YUMMY! And, very relaxing to me...

I have to get to posting those pics this weekend - especially the ones with the butterflies that have arrived because of all of the attractive flowers!

On the medical front:

I was officially diagnosed with Ménière's Disease. I have to call the ENT back and ask her what I need to do - the diagnosis was left on my answering machine. Professional, no? All I know is that I am supposed to limit my sodium intake - which I already do now. Luckily, there is no impact on TTC and pregnancy. This condition is more of a major inconvenience when a dizzy spell comes along - as long as I don't manage to pass out from one, which almost happened last July when the dizzy spells started. It is autoimmune in nature, so Dr. McC is going to have to constantly check for other autoimmune disorders since this is my second autoimmune issue diagnosed in less than a year.

Joy. Don't you just LOVE genetics??

I have officially been off Lexapro completely for 16 days. Now, I have not needed to take a Xanex in all this time - even with being in a jam-packed concert hall for the Rush concert Sunday night. But, I can feel some of those familiar symptoms begin to show if I am too overwhelmed (which is often right now with the workload) or exhausted or upset. I can say that I can at least begin to "turn them off" by realizing what they are and saying to myself that the reaction is unnecessary. But, the fact that I can feel them in the first place after only 16 days worries me if I do manage to get PG. What the hell do I do then with the symptoms?

I am still not sure of Dr. D would allow me to take Zoloft while TTC - which, from what I have read is rather safe to take vs. Lexapro while TTC. It would be nice to know that.

...Although, I have to say that the one good thing about not being on Lexapro now is that I have more interest in s.e.x - which, I am sure Hubby is happy about and hopefully will help out with TTC.

Speaking of TTC, I am on CD 17 and no + OPK's yet. I can feel pains like ovulation pain on both sides again and see changes in CM, but nothing on the OPK's (yet). The way I figure it, if I do manage to ovulate on the same CD as the magic ovulation cycle of last month, I would be ovulating on this Friday, the 13th. Figures. But, I have to say that Friday, the 13th's have always been pretty good for me... So, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I have been dragging my butt, though, on calling Dr. D's office about setting up the TTC protocol. I have not heard from his office yet - and it's been well over two weeks since I made the first phone call to try to get things started with this cycle. I KNOW Dr. S has sent the TTC clearance letter to him several times now (via fax and snail mail), which was the first stall factor, so there is no stalling on that now. But, I am just not sure what is going on over there... Does he want to see me for another consult? Does he want me to go to the IF clinic instead of him doing the cycle? Is he hesitant with moving forward with a cycle with all that is going on with me medically now? And, in a way, I am too scared myself to make the phone call to find out.

Talk about being a baby about this.

But, trying to set this up already hasn't started off on the right foot - and I am just not ready to hear that I have to wait some more, for whatever the reason. I have waited long enough to get this show on the road - and I don't want to see another tie-up.

...And, I am trying to fight my old way of thinking (the pessimistic, lack-of-control, overwhelmed with doubt way) and replace it with the more positive ways I have been thinking as of late (the allowing things to happen as they need to, give up the control over something I have no control over in the first place way).

It is not easy to continue to be positive and strong when your first step gets swatted down like a fly looking for a meal.

...And I get to deal with this comment this morning from the catering manager at the hotel we are using for the program next week:

"No pressure to get prego the 2nd time around, but when you want it so badly, it takes that much longer. It'll happen when you least expect or try for it. Easier said than done, I know! I know a few people with fertility problems, they haven't gotten pregnant once. It's a blessing that you know you can get pregnant. That's half the battle."

We were bantering back and forth (politely and from what I thought was professionally) about our kids...and she asked when we were going to TTC #2. I gave her this response (since she was overstepping her bounds after only corresponding for a few weeks and prying):

"Things have not turned out quite like we planned and had hoped a second would have already happened."

and had hoped she would have left it at that. Even with infertile friends, I guess she doesn't get when to end the conversation. But, since I am out about my IF anyway, I might as well set the record straight with this:

"Actually, it took us 18 months to try to conceive our son and it only happened with my ob's intervention with meds and an IUI procedure. And, the big issues now are recurrent miscarriages along with the fertility issues. So, I can certainly understand where your friends are coming from, although I am very, very lucky to finally have my son. So, we will see what the future holds."

We'll see of this slows her down a bit.

So, with butterflies in my stomach, I will call Dr. D's office this morning and find out what's going on...

...I'll be back to report...

...If I manage to get a straight answer.

*** ETA: I got my guts up and called Dr. D's office. We are set to go - no consult needed!

Here are the scenarios we are to follow:

1. If this cycle is a BFN, we are going to start with Clomid/IUI in the next cycle!! WooHoo!!
2. If I don't ovulate within the next week or so, or basically don't get a new cycle going within a month and I am not PG, we will induce a period (...which I still have a Provera bottle untouched in my medicine cabinet for!!!) and start the cycle then.
3. If I do ovulate this cycle, we will try one more cycle on our own and see if I ovulate. If I do and I still get a BFN, then we are on to Clomid/IUI after that. He is not making us wait 6 months to try on our own. ...Then again, I don't have to be too truthful with this and I can just call and tell him I got a new cycle without an ovulation...
   

So, we finally have some movement! I am relieved now...and some of the stress is off for a while...