Thursday, April 26, 2007

How much do your trust your instincts?

Last week, Melissa over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters asked for entries for her second Blilt: Waiting Blilt. My entry was "I prayed that I saw a BFN."

For a more detailed explanation of of the comment, see my larger entry on Melissa's blog about the cycle that led to my 11/05 m/c:
"When my ovulation was confirmed via ultrasound the day after I ovulated with no signs, I was given the choice to go through with a late IUI or do a natural cycle or abstain completely and wait it out. I turned down the late IUI, but I was on the fence about waiting or a natural cycle. My instincts said wait, but my impatient self said "go natural." So, we went with the natural cycle. As I was in the two week wait, I had this nagging instinct that I had made the wrong decision--I should have waited the cycle out. Of course, my instincts were proven right when I got that BFP then started bleeding shortly after. I should have waited... But, the mixed blessing in this is that I know now why I am miscarrying--had I followed my instincts, would I have found out why I am miscarrying?"
What I should have added to my explanation on her blog is that, when I was in the waiting room with DH for the u/s that confirmed my third m/c in 3/06, I had that same nagging, instinctive feeling again - after I finally allowed myself to feel some joy for the pregnancy - that something just wasn't right. As I sat there, laughing at Hubby as he was drawing funny pictures about the new baby in my notepad I take to doctor's appointments, I just had this feeling that things were going to fall apart again. I tried to squash it - I mean, how could God allow this to happen again to me, right? I tried to laugh with Hubby, Kathy (the nurse) and Dr. D all the way into the u/s room - but I had this monkey on my back that wouldn't let go of my shirt.

...Of course, the instinct was right again - the u/s showed a baby who passed the week before, no heartbeat, no movement.

Which leads me to the question: How much do you trust your instincts?

I ask this because as strong as my instincts were about not following through with the 11/05 m/c cycle and waiting for the u/s that confirmed my 3/06 m/c - my instincts are just as strong now, pushing me to TTC in June/July 2007. This instinct goes way beyond the coincidence of the three 77-day cycles back-to-back I just had (before my last 18-day'er).

Now, July is NOT the optimal time for me to be doing meds, u/s's, b/w, blah, blah, blah to try to get pregnant. I am running two summer programs this summer - the first from 7/18-7/24, the second from 7/19 to 8/4. Since we are not budgeted for a full-time student worker, I have more things to do on my own this year - amongst all of the other crap I have piled on my desk right now (which, by the by, I am ignoring at this very moment because I am not a happy camper with my boss suggesting I make hotel reservations in South Africa for 8 speakers for a conference we are having there in mid-June - uh, I DO NOT want to be responsible for 8 credit cards of people I don't know! Sorry, that idea is going to gets quashed like a BIG bug!). I really can't be out on program days - especially since my docs are over an hour away from my work.

BUT, this feeling won't leave me, just as my other instincts wouldn't leave me either. I keep getting drawn to June/July - like my angels are pushing me towards that time period.

The good side here at work, if I went through with it, is our new Workshop Coordinator is fantastic! So, if I needed someone to cover for me while I am out for a doctor's appointment (which I KNOW there will be many of since I will have to be monitored well in both TTC and PG), I know she can handle it with grace and style (and a great sense of humor) - unlike the last witch who was in the position. I can trust her with my work.

...And, I know my bosses will be supportive of our decision, even if it is not at the optimal time, as long as my work is done. Family comes first, and this is about family.

BUT, what if I miscarry again? Right during the time I am running these programs? I can't fall apart - I have responsibilities here at work and at home.

BUT, what if I ignore my instincts and miss out on what I am being drawn towards??

When Zia and I went to Westfield for our play day a few weeks ago, we went into one of those "earthy" stores where they sell spiritual items like energy bracelets, Tarot cards, meditation CDs, insense, statues, etc. We were looking at the Oracle cards - which are not quite like Tarot cards where they predict your future, but they contain messages of guidance (and, if you believe, the guidance comes from the angels that protect you). I found a set I was drawn to - Healing with the Angels Oracle Cards. My life, after all, has been predominately about healing over the past year, so the deck "called" to me. So, I bought them. I will pick up my set from time to time early in the morning when I think I need some kind of guidance. I don't do this every morning, just once and a while - and it certainly doesn't replace talking to God on my own (it has just become another means of communication for me). There are various ways you can use the cards, but the way I use them is just to pick one card from the stack after shuffling and think about something that is bothering me, or I need to make a decision about.

So, while I was thinking about this nagging instinct I keep having, I picked a card and this is the one that I chose this morning:


Card Meaning: "You are asked to pay extra attention to your children or your inner child right now. New children may be coming into your life very soon."

Uh, wow.

And, my instinct before turning the card over was that it would have something to do with having children.

Of course, all of this blather is all dependant upon my b/w coming up in May to check thyroid levels and whether I can come of Lexapro/Xanex in May - I will not TTC if my b/w still comes back with my hormone levels uncontrolled nor will I TTC if I cannot get off Lexapro/Xanex. So, this instinct might be moot anyway.

I really want to trust this instinct that is driving me to June/July. I have apparently been right before, just not in a positive way. Could this be the change of tide for our family? Should I throw caution to the wind and allow myself to follow the messages and instincts I have?

It is just so hard to trust sometimes...especially when you have so much to lose...


The Town Criers said...

The examples you give (on the blilt and here) give a lot of pause. The only thing to consider is how many times have you had this nagging feeling and then not had it come true. Are there times when you've felt a great sense of dread and nothing went wrong? Or times when you've felt a strong sense that something is right but had to go to hell?

I definitely give a lot of credit to listening to your gut instincts. They haven't led you wrong for the past few months. Your heart told you to wait and you've waited and you'd be coming into this bout of TTC in a different mental place. With different emotional reserves.

Is it a strong instinct that this is the right time or is it a deep sense of peace that this is the right time. Does that make any sense?

Elizabeth said...

Wow, this really makes me stop and think! I say trust your instincts!

cat said...

It is hard to listen to ourselves after so much hurt. It's scary to put trust in ourselves again when we feel like we failed somehow, at something we couldn't control. If you decide to listen to that voice again, no matter what happens it will be a good thing. *hugs*