Hubby and I, along with our in-laws, took Chris down to the Jersey short for the day yesterday, since Hubby's aunt (Cookoo for reference here - long story on the name, but is such a great person!) and uncle (Tio) were renting a place for the week. We had a great time...lots of sun, pooling and boardwalking with Chris. We won him his own little guitar (mini version of Hubby's) on the boards and he's been strumming it ever since.
Here is where the trip gets a little bit interesting:
There is a psychic down on the boardwalk that Cookoo (and Hubby by extension) has gone to for years and, despite the hoopla of psychics, is VERY accurate. Dianna is her name. Cookoo talked my MIL into going to see her yesterday while we were on the boardwalk because my FIL has had a rough go with his health for a long time. MIL spent about 20 minutes with this Dianna and, among things directly associated to my MIL, Dianne described my situation to a "T" without my MIL even saying a word to her before hand.
Dianna told her that her daughter (she knew my MIL referred to me as daughter not daughter-in-law) had a healthy and happy son, but is going through a very hard time right now due to three recent miscarriages. She said I was going through a round of situational depression and therapy because of the miscarriages, and a whole bunch of medical issues have come up since the last miscarriage, which is making me question whether TTC will just be put on hold or if we will not longer try again.
Dianna told my MIL that, without a doubt, she will be a grandma again to 2 more children. Since Hubby is an only, that would mean these two grandchildren would be our children. Dianna was very exact and matter-of-fact about the news.
My MIL wasn't sure if she wanted to tell me or not, but decided that she should. Not sure if this is helping me or not, but considering my MIL did not lead Dianna on with ANY information, Dianna just knew TOO MUCH for her predictions not to be wrong.
Hubby later went to Dianna for a reading (the last time he was there was in 1999), but I don't think she made the connection to my MIL because Hubby really favors my FIL in looks and he didn't let on to anything either. Dianna told hom the same information and added to him that I need to let the pain go and work on getting physically better...and, come December/January, return to TTC again with a clear head. Fits right into my time frame, considering we were taking a break until January anyway. He did not tell her that until after she said it first.
Despite this coming from a boardwalk psychic, Dianna was just too accurate with when things happened. How could she have known? She didn't suggest things and get my MIL or Hubby to answer for her - she just said it outright, so there has to be something real going on with her predictions.
I plan to go see her myself in early September, when we are on vacation for the week. I didn't want to "contaminate" the situation by going myself on the same day as my MIL and Hubby. So, it will be interesting to see what she says to me in 5 weeks...
Of course, I can't allow myself to dwell on this or expect this will be the outcome...but it really does make you wonder about how this will all work out in the end. Guess we will just have to wait to see what the future brings...
Friday, July 28, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Maybe it is time to really read the writing on the wall
The upper GI doc FINALLY called back last night to go over the results of the findings from 2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures.
Here is the good news: From CT scan, he said the gall bladder, bile duct and the kidneys are all fine.
Here is the not-so-good news:
Maybe it is time to really start reading the writing on the wall... Maybe Chris is our one true miracle and we need to accept that he will be our ONLY true miracle. We started thinking about this in March after my last miscarriage...maybe it is time to really face the truth and accept TTC may very well be over for us. There is nothing wrong with having an only child - hubby is one himself. But, this is not what I wanted - I wanted a sibling for Chris.
MTHFR, fibroids and thyroid disorders have so many complications in and of themselves in PG and PG outcome...and, mixing them all together, who knows what will happen. I could not live with myself if, out of some selfish need to have a #2, something medically terrible happened to a potential child - something that would make life hard to live through for that potential child. I can't play Russian roulette with a potential child's future just to fulfill my own wishes - that's not fair.
So, over the next 5 weeks, I really need to push for more answers to these new complications before I see the MFM clinic on 8/30. If I am told at that pre-conception consult that our odds of a healthy child are significantly lowered due to these three complications to gether, it is time for us to walk away and thank God for the blessing we have. What a decision to have to make now...when all I wanted in my life was to be a GOOD mommy to 2 or 3 children.
How do we walk away from this dream and call our family complete?
Here is the good news: From CT scan, he said the gall bladder, bile duct and the kidneys are all fine.
Here is the not-so-good news:
- From the CT scan, he said he could see multiple fibroids (one internal in the uterus). The one I knew of was at the top and outside. So, I have to call Dr. D to see if he wants copies of the film. To my knowledge, no other fibroids than the one I had from before I was PG with Chris were present before my last miscarriage - if they were in fact there before the miscarriages, then this is an added complication we have to deal with in TTC and carrying to term.
- Since everything internal seems fine, he said my stomach issues are a combo of GERD (which really has been under control now, thanks to the Aciphex!) and Irritable Bowel Syndrome (which my mom, sis and aunt all have). Yippee! Which means, there is no quick fix for this...and it is a life-long thing to deal with.
- From the b/w, he found my calcium level is up (probably due to all of the Tums I've been chewing, and no big deal) and my cholesterol is up (a chronic problem for me, so I have to try yet again to alter my diet - yippee again!).
- Also from b/w, my thyroid panel was elevated. The thyroid is a shocker since Dr. D just ran a completely thorough thyroid panel in the Recurrent Loss Panel and all was fine! So, I am having my GP's office fax over those results to Dr. D today. My MIL, who's 20+ week m/c of twin boys was completely attibuted to hyperthyroid, told me last night that results in thyroid screenings can change very quickly, hence Dr. D's panel not detecting it back in May. It should be checked every 3-6 months.
- The upper GI doc does think, although my urine analysis and b/w say otherwise, that I may have a UTI since I have been running a low fever and have chills like crazy since Friday... So, he is calling in cypro for me to take for a week.
Maybe it is time to really start reading the writing on the wall... Maybe Chris is our one true miracle and we need to accept that he will be our ONLY true miracle. We started thinking about this in March after my last miscarriage...maybe it is time to really face the truth and accept TTC may very well be over for us. There is nothing wrong with having an only child - hubby is one himself. But, this is not what I wanted - I wanted a sibling for Chris.
MTHFR, fibroids and thyroid disorders have so many complications in and of themselves in PG and PG outcome...and, mixing them all together, who knows what will happen. I could not live with myself if, out of some selfish need to have a #2, something medically terrible happened to a potential child - something that would make life hard to live through for that potential child. I can't play Russian roulette with a potential child's future just to fulfill my own wishes - that's not fair.
So, over the next 5 weeks, I really need to push for more answers to these new complications before I see the MFM clinic on 8/30. If I am told at that pre-conception consult that our odds of a healthy child are significantly lowered due to these three complications to gether, it is time for us to walk away and thank God for the blessing we have. What a decision to have to make now...when all I wanted in my life was to be a GOOD mommy to 2 or 3 children.
How do we walk away from this dream and call our family complete?
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer
While in my therapy session yesterday, the topic of returning to TTC came up.
He said he thinks that my ideas of how I want to have things work out with TTC again are basically going to cause me another breakdown if it does not work out the way I planned. In order to get me to understand how I need to change my focus, he shared with me the Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer and it goes something like this:
An old Chinese farmer was in his barn attending to some tasks. A young traveler stops in and says to him, "I have some bad news for you."
The Chinese farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler says to him, "Your prize stallion has run off and now you have no horse to attend to. Isn't that terrible news?"
The farmer replies, "Perhaps."
The traveler leaves, rather puzzled by the response.
A week later, the traveler stops by the farm again and sees the farmer in his barn. He says, "I have some fantstic news for you!"
The farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler responds, "Your prize stallion is back, and has brought with him 3 wild stallions. You have your prize back and potential for more. Isn't that fantastic news!"
The farmer replies, "Perhaps."
The traveler is puzzeled yet again, but leaves.
A week after that, the traveler yet again stops by the farm and stops the farmer to speak to him. He says, "I have some horrible news for you."
The farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler responds, "While your son was out in the fields trying to tame one of the three wild stallions, he was thrown off the horse and has broken his leg. He won't be able to help you with the farm, nor will he be able to help you with the stallions. Isn't that horrible?"
The farmer replies yet again, "Perhaps."
The traveler is very agitated now, as all of his stories seem to have no affect on the farmer. He leaves in a hurry, not sure what to think.
Another weeks goes by and the traveler stops by the farm again, ready to relay more news. The traveler says, "Sir, I have some dreadful news for you."
The farmer asks again what the news is.
The traveler responds, "Our village is now at war with the neighboring village. The leaders are trying to put an army together to fight, but because your son's leg is broken, he will not be chosen to fight for our village. Isn't that aweful news?"
The farmer replies once more, "Perhaps."
...The moral of this story is, no matter the outcome or the news, sometimes it is better to let the news roll off your back because we don't know (nor may never know) the outcome of the events before us.
What my therapist would like to see me do is ultimately:
He said he thinks that my ideas of how I want to have things work out with TTC again are basically going to cause me another breakdown if it does not work out the way I planned. In order to get me to understand how I need to change my focus, he shared with me the Proverb of the Old Chinese Farmer and it goes something like this:
An old Chinese farmer was in his barn attending to some tasks. A young traveler stops in and says to him, "I have some bad news for you."
The Chinese farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler says to him, "Your prize stallion has run off and now you have no horse to attend to. Isn't that terrible news?"
The farmer replies, "Perhaps."
The traveler leaves, rather puzzled by the response.
A week later, the traveler stops by the farm again and sees the farmer in his barn. He says, "I have some fantstic news for you!"
The farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler responds, "Your prize stallion is back, and has brought with him 3 wild stallions. You have your prize back and potential for more. Isn't that fantastic news!"
The farmer replies, "Perhaps."
The traveler is puzzeled yet again, but leaves.
A week after that, the traveler yet again stops by the farm and stops the farmer to speak to him. He says, "I have some horrible news for you."
The farmer asks what the news is.
The traveler responds, "While your son was out in the fields trying to tame one of the three wild stallions, he was thrown off the horse and has broken his leg. He won't be able to help you with the farm, nor will he be able to help you with the stallions. Isn't that horrible?"
The farmer replies yet again, "Perhaps."
The traveler is very agitated now, as all of his stories seem to have no affect on the farmer. He leaves in a hurry, not sure what to think.
Another weeks goes by and the traveler stops by the farm again, ready to relay more news. The traveler says, "Sir, I have some dreadful news for you."
The farmer asks again what the news is.
The traveler responds, "Our village is now at war with the neighboring village. The leaders are trying to put an army together to fight, but because your son's leg is broken, he will not be chosen to fight for our village. Isn't that aweful news?"
The farmer replies once more, "Perhaps."
...The moral of this story is, no matter the outcome or the news, sometimes it is better to let the news roll off your back because we don't know (nor may never know) the outcome of the events before us.
What my therapist would like to see me do is ultimately:
- Set limits on how far Hubby and I are willing to go in this (which we already have)
- Let be what will be
- Remember what I do have in my life, and let that be the focus while TTC again
Monday, July 17, 2006
Why do I listen to unwarrented advice?
Had a good weekend - quiet stay at home Saturday, and off to visit our friends yesterday. It was some great quiet time with the family. Although, I have a MAJOR beotch session about the visit yesterday to get off my chest...
We visited with Hubby's friends from grammar school (M, who is married to J and has K1; and E, who is married to T and has K2 - see post Dinner With Friends about E&T) yesterday.
T is a special ed teacher...and is very open about what she does at school (always has, like she should get a Girl Scout patch on her sash for all of her "saves"). She truly is good at what she does, so she should be proud of her accomplishments...except when they cross over the line and she starts making comments about what just isn't there.
M put on Jack's Big Music Show for Chris later in the day because all of us were indoors due to the heat (and M&J's lack of pool, since they were having a problem putting it together in time for us to come up for the visit). When Jack is on, Chris likes to dance around, sing, and act like an all-around 2 year old goofball. You could see T is watching him closely - not out of enjoyment, but with that analyzing look to her. She proceeds to make a comment about half-way through the program about Chris' toe-walking...basically saying, you know, I think Chris could be autistic.
Now, I KNOW what the warning signs are of autism and I KNOW how important it is to diagnose this early... My best friend's neice has benefited so much from early intervention, and I know several others who DC are just now starting out on their own journies through autism. But, Chris occasionally toe walks! Who cares? Hubby toe-walked when he was a toddler. Hubby's cousin toe-talked as a toddler. Our ped mentioned the toe-walking to us at his two year check-up...and proceeded to say, don't worry about it. The worst that can happen is he will have flat feet (as does my Hubby and cousin...see the GENETICS working here?).
But, this single comment from someone who probably only sees Chris about once every two to three months now has Hubby in a tizzy... He, like I, wants to make sure if there are problems with Chris, we get them addressed early. He is worried now really over nothing now.
To alleviate his mind a bit, I went on-line looking for signs, etc. of autism for him. According to sites like Autism Society of America, Autism Speaks, First Signs, and Cure Autism Now, here are the major behaviors that signal further evaluation is warranted for autism:
Sure, I am concerned about Chris' speech, as do most parents - he talks well and up to the standard for his age. But, he has gotten into the habit of pointing for things instead of asking verbally because, well, he has several people on my in-law's side that like to baby him and give him what he points to. Would you verbally ask for something if all you had to do was point and get it? It is laziness and stubbornness...which I need to train him out of. And, it may be something I will address privately after talking to our ped about it.
Our ped does very thorough Well Baby visits - I would think if he saw anything questionable, or throught of something based on our responses to his questions, he would have said something already to us.
I really hate when people start planting a seed like that when there is no problem - and she, of all people, should know better.
We visited with Hubby's friends from grammar school (M, who is married to J and has K1; and E, who is married to T and has K2 - see post Dinner With Friends about E&T) yesterday.
T is a special ed teacher...and is very open about what she does at school (always has, like she should get a Girl Scout patch on her sash for all of her "saves"). She truly is good at what she does, so she should be proud of her accomplishments...except when they cross over the line and she starts making comments about what just isn't there.
M put on Jack's Big Music Show for Chris later in the day because all of us were indoors due to the heat (and M&J's lack of pool, since they were having a problem putting it together in time for us to come up for the visit). When Jack is on, Chris likes to dance around, sing, and act like an all-around 2 year old goofball. You could see T is watching him closely - not out of enjoyment, but with that analyzing look to her. She proceeds to make a comment about half-way through the program about Chris' toe-walking...basically saying, you know, I think Chris could be autistic.
Now, I KNOW what the warning signs are of autism and I KNOW how important it is to diagnose this early... My best friend's neice has benefited so much from early intervention, and I know several others who DC are just now starting out on their own journies through autism. But, Chris occasionally toe walks! Who cares? Hubby toe-walked when he was a toddler. Hubby's cousin toe-talked as a toddler. Our ped mentioned the toe-walking to us at his two year check-up...and proceeded to say, don't worry about it. The worst that can happen is he will have flat feet (as does my Hubby and cousin...see the GENETICS working here?).
But, this single comment from someone who probably only sees Chris about once every two to three months now has Hubby in a tizzy... He, like I, wants to make sure if there are problems with Chris, we get them addressed early. He is worried now really over nothing now.
To alleviate his mind a bit, I went on-line looking for signs, etc. of autism for him. According to sites like Autism Society of America, Autism Speaks, First Signs, and Cure Autism Now, here are the major behaviors that signal further evaluation is warranted for autism:
- No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter
- No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter
- No babbling by 12 months
- No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months
- No words by 16 months
- No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months
- Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age
Sure, I am concerned about Chris' speech, as do most parents - he talks well and up to the standard for his age. But, he has gotten into the habit of pointing for things instead of asking verbally because, well, he has several people on my in-law's side that like to baby him and give him what he points to. Would you verbally ask for something if all you had to do was point and get it? It is laziness and stubbornness...which I need to train him out of. And, it may be something I will address privately after talking to our ped about it.
Our ped does very thorough Well Baby visits - I would think if he saw anything questionable, or throught of something based on our responses to his questions, he would have said something already to us.
I really hate when people start planting a seed like that when there is no problem - and she, of all people, should know better.
Friday, July 14, 2006
2006 - The Year of the Ongoing Medical Adventures
I finally received back from Dr. R (the upper GI guy) the results of my abdominal ultrasound on Wednesday... My gallbladder - the whole reason for this ultrasound - is 100% a-okay. But....and, of course, there is a "but" ...the ultrasound showed a dilation of the bile duct and that both of my kidneys are enlarged. "Probably nothing, but let's check a CAT scan and bloodwork," he says.
So, I am off for another bloodletting tomorrow morning...thank goodness LabCorp has Saturday hours so I don't have to take MORE time off for this medical crap this year!
Then, I am off for the lovely CAT scan on Thursday, July 20th (8 am, of course - the earlier, the better for me!). They will be doing a scan of both the abdomen and pelvis, through IV injection and PO solution - yippee! At least I don't have to fast more than 4 hours and I can still drink clear liquids.
On another medical matter, I made that appointment with the MFM clinic for August 28th at 3:30 pm (first available - but I was warned by Dr. D's office that there would be a wait for a pre-conception consultation, which is fine since I have these other possible issues to deal with now). Although I have to wait for the appointment, the clinic is quick! I already received the paperwork to complete before the appointment! Amazing! And, they said they would call Dr. D's office for the records they need - no need for me to do anything else other than get the referral and complete the paperwork.
So, I have more worry...and some hope. I just want to get off this stupid medical rollercoaster already. It's been non-stop since January (okay, really November, but who's counting now???). I used to be HEALTHY. I eat right, take my vitamins and exercise (okay, exercise was recently added to the mix, but I am not a couch potato either)... What the heck happened? I never used to have to deal with ongoing tests and such. Can we fastforward to January? I just want this year to end already. I am really getting tired of the poking and prodding...unless it is for a healthy pregnancy, then it's worth it!
So, I am off for another bloodletting tomorrow morning...thank goodness LabCorp has Saturday hours so I don't have to take MORE time off for this medical crap this year!
Then, I am off for the lovely CAT scan on Thursday, July 20th (8 am, of course - the earlier, the better for me!). They will be doing a scan of both the abdomen and pelvis, through IV injection and PO solution - yippee! At least I don't have to fast more than 4 hours and I can still drink clear liquids.
On another medical matter, I made that appointment with the MFM clinic for August 28th at 3:30 pm (first available - but I was warned by Dr. D's office that there would be a wait for a pre-conception consultation, which is fine since I have these other possible issues to deal with now). Although I have to wait for the appointment, the clinic is quick! I already received the paperwork to complete before the appointment! Amazing! And, they said they would call Dr. D's office for the records they need - no need for me to do anything else other than get the referral and complete the paperwork.
So, I have more worry...and some hope. I just want to get off this stupid medical rollercoaster already. It's been non-stop since January (okay, really November, but who's counting now???). I used to be HEALTHY. I eat right, take my vitamins and exercise (okay, exercise was recently added to the mix, but I am not a couch potato either)... What the heck happened? I never used to have to deal with ongoing tests and such. Can we fastforward to January? I just want this year to end already. I am really getting tired of the poking and prodding...unless it is for a healthy pregnancy, then it's worth it!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Here it is... The new Blog!
Hope everyone likes the new blog... I am very happy with it!
BTW: Because Netscape can be fickle, please view this blog in IE or Firefox. Netscape doesn't want to play nicey-nice.
Tina
BTW: Because Netscape can be fickle, please view this blog in IE or Firefox. Netscape doesn't want to play nicey-nice.
Tina
Like they say on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: Move the Bus!
Please be on the look-out for the reveal of the new appearance on my blog this week...
I am working with Ro from Caio! My Bella! Custom Blog & Web Designs on a new skin for my blog - none of the basic blog skins really fit what I wanted for My Many Blessings.
The new look is going to be just beautiful. Can't wait for all of you to see the big reveal. Now, move the bus!
I am working with Ro from Caio! My Bella! Custom Blog & Web Designs on a new skin for my blog - none of the basic blog skins really fit what I wanted for My Many Blessings.
The new look is going to be just beautiful. Can't wait for all of you to see the big reveal. Now, move the bus!
Some resolutions of the PMS Beotch session from yesterday
To those wondering, yes I did get my Three Musketeer's bar last night - YEAH! And, I have a spare stashed in my lunch bag for a quick fix today. Thanks, Hubby!
My GP's office called last night - my u/s results are still MIA (they are probably in the office, just not reviewed yet). but my GP did look over the b/w from Dr. D. He does not feel this is something we need to address immediately for long-term issues since I am still rather young. So, he said just to contact Dr. D's office for setting up the consult with the high risk ob clinic and go forward with that when we are ready.
So, some resolutions...although minor.
My GP's office called last night - my u/s results are still MIA (they are probably in the office, just not reviewed yet). but my GP did look over the b/w from Dr. D. He does not feel this is something we need to address immediately for long-term issues since I am still rather young. So, he said just to contact Dr. D's office for setting up the consult with the high risk ob clinic and go forward with that when we are ready.
So, some resolutions...although minor.
Monday, July 10, 2006
PMS Beotch Session
Okay....AF is almost here for a visit this week, and she is making her appearance known quite well today. But, I can't complain since, really, because usually by July I only have had her visit about 1-2 times! So, I'll take her in for a while as long as it means she will leave the place in better shape than she found it at her arrival.
Anyways, I feel a PMS Bitch session coming on and, to save my Hubby from it since he had absorbed the brunt of the bitch sessions lately, I will start it here. Enjoy the ranting - this should be fun to read in a few months!
Thank goodness this week is my off-week for carpool driving! Haahaa! Those jaywalkers wouldn't like it when I am angry...
Anyways, I feel a PMS Bitch session coming on and, to save my Hubby from it since he had absorbed the brunt of the bitch sessions lately, I will start it here. Enjoy the ranting - this should be fun to read in a few months!
- I am sooooo pissed off with my doc's office - not my ob/gyn but my GP. It has been 4 FREAKIN weeks since Dr. D faxed over my MTHFR bloodwork to his office and I have not even had one freakin phone call returned about it. Hubby called and left a nastygram with his answering service last night because HE has had it too. Okay, I am not on my deathbed here, but 4 weeks???
- While we are speaking of doctors, I am sooooo tired of this GERD crap. Every day is an adventure - some days are okay, but then the next I am tasting in the morning what I ate last night for dinner. All I want to do is eat a whole order of Mozzarella sticks with gravy (or, marinara sauce) without being in agony... NOT to mention I want my "personal time" with Hubby back because, how can you DTD while you feel like your dinner is in your throat?
- And, to continue the medical crap - how about inheriting a treadmill that works! The weather has been so crappy, I haven't been able to go out and walk. So, my IL's give us their treadmill with the replacement part for the track - what they fail to tell us is that it is downright impossible to fix it without something to pry back the tension springs. Uh, neither of us have Superman's strength here! Now, I have a crappy piece of furniture collecting dust in the spare room...and I feel like I am gaining my 25 pounds back! Crap!
- I have had it with our friends J&E, well, for a variety of reasons. Mostly surrounding their son - our godson. M is only 3 years old, and they allow him to go into a 5 foot swimming pool with no floatation device of ANY KIND on last weekend! WTF? Hubby told me E was also going to set it up for M to intentionally screw up an evaluation so he couldn't attend a specific preschool program that the school district has. WTF? Are they insane?
- My father is a complete boob! I didn't realize that sprained ankles are inevitable.... I thought they were consequences of a FALL! Idiot! So, now my mom has him home for 2 weeks (one week home with the freakin ankle and another week with vacation) and she wants to toss him out on his ear. Personally, I think there may be something medically wrong with him - which my mom will find out today since she is tagging along to his doc's appointment at my insistence - but then again, he is just not a smart cookie.
- I hate other people being laid back about their jobs....especially when it pertains to mine! Now, I would LOVE to be at home with Chris, but while I have to endure working, how about you give me some respect and ANSWER EMAIL! Oy! The lady running the program out in Colorado for me took vacation last week - and never bothered to inform me of that. So, like a moron, I've been e-mailing her ALL WEEK, I am sooo not going out to Colorado on Sunday if this chick screws up.
- ...and, I WANT MY THREE MUSKETEERS BAR from my last AF visit! I know DH at it on me....and I WANT IT!
Thank goodness this week is my off-week for carpool driving! Haahaa! Those jaywalkers wouldn't like it when I am angry...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I've been Tagged...
Okay... I will have some fun and play tag. :) After all, can't have my blog be a total downer, right?
7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Be a stay at home mom to my Chris and (hopefully) at least one more child
2. Actually HAVE that at least one more child someday soon
3. Finally decide where we want to live for the long-haul and MOVE there!
4. Go to Ireland, and the other countries that I have heritage (Ireland, England, Germany, France, Poland, Ukraine)
5. Do volunteer work
6. Be financially secure and leave no debts behind to my child(ren)
7. See at least my grandchildren be born
7 Things That I Can't Do:
1. Swim
2. Play an instrument (although I tried to play Flute in 4th grade)
3. Stop trying to control everything I can't logically control
4. Sing in public (although some have said I have a decent voice)
5. Get over the fact I can't stop others from doing stupid things to their children
6. Ovulate on my own
7. Drive a manual transmission car (nor do I want to!)
7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:
1. His sense of humor (how can you ignore someone who intros themself as "Ken, which is neck spelled backwards, drop the 'c' " ?)
2. His blue eyes
3. His guitar playing abilities
4. His concern for our relationship during hard times
5. His ability to admit his faults and try to work on them
6. His drive to start his own business
7. His pure adoration of our son
7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:
1. The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Lerox)
2. The Once and Future King (T. H. White)
3. Coming to Term : Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage (Jon Cohen)
4. Miscarriage after Infertility : A Woman's Guide to Coping (Margaret Comerford Freda, Carrie F. Semelsberger)
5. --
6. --
7. --
7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:
1. The Phantom of the Opera (1920's b/w version with Lon Chaney)
2. The Phantom of the Opera (last version released in 2005)
3. White Christmas (with Bing Crosby, Danny Kay and Rosemary Clooney)
4. The Princess Bride
5. Spaceballs
6. Logan's Run
7. Dirty Dancing (that was the first movie I saw with Hubby)
7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand): Since most of those I know in Blogger land have already been tagged, here is who I can tag!
1. Joy (El Mundo de Mamacita)
2. Lindy (Infertility 2.0)
3. --
4. --
5. --
6. --
7. --
7 Things I'd Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Be a stay at home mom to my Chris and (hopefully) at least one more child
2. Actually HAVE that at least one more child someday soon
3. Finally decide where we want to live for the long-haul and MOVE there!
4. Go to Ireland, and the other countries that I have heritage (Ireland, England, Germany, France, Poland, Ukraine)
5. Do volunteer work
6. Be financially secure and leave no debts behind to my child(ren)
7. See at least my grandchildren be born
7 Things That I Can't Do:
1. Swim
2. Play an instrument (although I tried to play Flute in 4th grade)
3. Stop trying to control everything I can't logically control
4. Sing in public (although some have said I have a decent voice)
5. Get over the fact I can't stop others from doing stupid things to their children
6. Ovulate on my own
7. Drive a manual transmission car (nor do I want to!)
7 Things That Attracted Me To My Husband:
1. His sense of humor (how can you ignore someone who intros themself as "Ken, which is neck spelled backwards, drop the 'c' " ?)
2. His blue eyes
3. His guitar playing abilities
4. His concern for our relationship during hard times
5. His ability to admit his faults and try to work on them
6. His drive to start his own business
7. His pure adoration of our son
7 Books (or series of books) That I Love:
1. The Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Lerox)
2. The Once and Future King (T. H. White)
3. Coming to Term : Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage (Jon Cohen)
4. Miscarriage after Infertility : A Woman's Guide to Coping (Margaret Comerford Freda, Carrie F. Semelsberger)
5. --
6. --
7. --
7 Movies I'd Watch Over & Over:
1. The Phantom of the Opera (1920's b/w version with Lon Chaney)
2. The Phantom of the Opera (last version released in 2005)
3. White Christmas (with Bing Crosby, Danny Kay and Rosemary Clooney)
4. The Princess Bride
5. Spaceballs
6. Logan's Run
7. Dirty Dancing (that was the first movie I saw with Hubby)
7 People I'd Like To Tag (and if you don't do it, I totally understand): Since most of those I know in Blogger land have already been tagged, here is who I can tag!
1. Joy (El Mundo de Mamacita)
2. Lindy (Infertility 2.0)
3. --
4. --
5. --
6. --
7. --
Monday, July 03, 2006
Where have my musings gone??
I am sitting here on lunch thinking I haven't posted in a little while... Then I start to think, where have my musings gone? Anyone seen them?
Seems as I start to accept things for what they are, I lose some of my whit and ramblings...okay, maybe just temporarily! But, since Tuesday, I have been quite at peace with things (except for Hubby being a slob...but, that's just men) and am not sad, or lost. It is something quite unfamiliar right now...but it's nice.
So, for now, just posting a song that one of ladies in one of my BG's sent to me. There are parts to this song that ring quite true: like, when did my passion leave me? and I can't "fake" how I feel anymore.
I will not fake how I feel anymore. I think that is what threw me for a spin in the first place with these losses. I had forgotten it is OKAY to feel sad, angry, hurt. And, when you forget that, you forget everything about yourself.
And, my passion I know left me last year when my first Clomid cycle failed to produce an ovulation - I EXPECTED things to work like they did when I got pregnant with Chris, and wasn't prepared for a failure. Now that I know where I list my spirit and passion, I can begin to rebuild it. The outer me is the start - wearing clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in years and color in my hair has really given me a peek into what I used to be before we started TTC in 2002. And, it is kinda nice to start getting back to that. The inner me still needs some work...but, I will get there in time.
Gee.... Guess I had a little more to write than I thought.
For those reading, please send a little prayer to the kind soul who sent me the song above. She has been so supportive of me through the past year, it is the least I can do to ask for some prayers to go her way. She is going through a rough time right now and could use some peace in her life too. If you can send a little positive throughts her way, I'd appreciate it.
Seems as I start to accept things for what they are, I lose some of my whit and ramblings...okay, maybe just temporarily! But, since Tuesday, I have been quite at peace with things (except for Hubby being a slob...but, that's just men) and am not sad, or lost. It is something quite unfamiliar right now...but it's nice.
So, for now, just posting a song that one of ladies in one of my BG's sent to me. There are parts to this song that ring quite true: like, when did my passion leave me? and I can't "fake" how I feel anymore.
Resurrection
Nicole Sponberg
I am at a loss for words
There's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and so cold
Where did that passion go?
When all my efforts seem like changing the wind
Ive used up all my strength and theres nothing left I can give
I've lost the feeling, and I'm numb to the core
Can't fake it anymore
Chorus:
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again
You speak and all creation falls to your knees
you raise your hand and calm the waves of the rageing seas
you have a way of turning winter into spring
make something beautiful out of all this suffering
Chorus:
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again
Here I am, at the end
I'm in need of resurrection
Only you can take this empty shell
And raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world
What seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in your hand
And make me whole again
I will not fake how I feel anymore. I think that is what threw me for a spin in the first place with these losses. I had forgotten it is OKAY to feel sad, angry, hurt. And, when you forget that, you forget everything about yourself.
And, my passion I know left me last year when my first Clomid cycle failed to produce an ovulation - I EXPECTED things to work like they did when I got pregnant with Chris, and wasn't prepared for a failure. Now that I know where I list my spirit and passion, I can begin to rebuild it. The outer me is the start - wearing clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in years and color in my hair has really given me a peek into what I used to be before we started TTC in 2002. And, it is kinda nice to start getting back to that. The inner me still needs some work...but, I will get there in time.
Gee.... Guess I had a little more to write than I thought.
For those reading, please send a little prayer to the kind soul who sent me the song above. She has been so supportive of me through the past year, it is the least I can do to ask for some prayers to go her way. She is going through a rough time right now and could use some peace in her life too. If you can send a little positive throughts her way, I'd appreciate it.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Song for the moment: Let It Be
This song has been played repeated on my work radio for a week now...and in light of yesterday, it is quite fitting.
Let It Be
The Beatles
The Beatles
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
I made it through my EDD - and, I'm really okay.
Well, I survived my first known miscarriage EDD yesterday...and I am really okay. Here is what I did to pass the day (NOT going to work for one, which my bosses were very understanding of), starting with Monday evening...
Monday night, I came home with Chris from my mom's house with a plan to bake her a birthday cake for her 60th birthday on Tuesday (yes, the same day as my EDD). Upon a quick trip to the bathroom, found water all over the floor and started to freak out when Hubby came home about it. He inspected it closely (thank goodness he, after extensive training by his dad, is somewhat handy) and with a few phone calls, figured out the problem (a cracked supply valve). So, he shut the water supply off for the bathroom and we had dinner.
Once Chris was bathed (temporarily turning the water back on) and asleep, Hubby ran out to Home Depot to pick up a new valve and I started baking. Just as I had 5 more minutes on the baking time, Chris started to stir and Hubby was not home...so I started a mini-panic as I ran up the stairs (didn't want to burn the cake nor have Chris wake up and not be able to get back to that cake). As I was getting Chris back to sleep, I could hear Hubby blundering his way through the front door (stealthy, he is not!). Luckily for me, Chris went right back to sleep and I was able to rescue my cake.
Hubby finished the repair around 11 pm, just as I was finishing the icing... Then I headed off to bed. Took a little while to finally settle in...guess I had a lot of worries of what my EDD day would be like...
Tuesday morning, I got up normal time and got dressed. I drove Chris to my mom's with the cake and spent a little bit of time there, saying happy birthday and saying by-by to Chris. Then I left around 7:45 am for home.
Hubby and I set out around 8 am for the cemetary...we decided to plant three small plants at Hubby's great-grandparents' grave. We did that because we are just not sure how long we will be at the house. Since I wanted them to stay where they were, and Hubby feels a very strong connection to his greatgrandparents, this was the best possible place. When we arrived, we cleaned up the gravesite a bit and then started digging...and realized that our garden trowels were just not going to cut it for the digging! So, Hubby made a quick trip to Home Depot (yet again) to pick up a shovel...and I stayed behind to try to keep digging a bit.
At first I was a little nervous about being in a cemetary myself with no car.... But then, as the skies began to clear a bit and a cool breeze started to blow (NOT what our weather was supposed to be yesterday at all), a certain calm began to wash over me and I forgot I was alone. I can't quite explain this calm, but it was as if I was MEANT to be there at that time...and I could feel my angels with me. I just sat there for a while, enjoying this calm I haven't had for a long time.
Finally, hubby came back and we finished up with our planting. As we looked around to make sure everything was in order, we noticed that the pics of Chris from his first Easter (in 2005) were still wired to the headstone. The pics have long since faded...but, now they look like the old-style photos that our grandparents and greatgrandparents have, and his Eaton-style sailor suit he wore that day fit perfectly. We decided to leave the photos where they were and will go back in a week to add his new Easter (2006) pics.
After we were done, we had a little snack together at Dunkin Donuts (oh, yum!) and then he had to head off to work.
Since I needed to drop off Chris' old carseat to my closest friend (Kris) for her daughter (Sam) to use (she is Chris' Godmommy), I decided to make the trip a mini-visit. We have not had a girls-only day in a very long time...and I have not seen Sam in a few weeks... I stayed with Kris and Sam for almost 2 hours, and had a chance to really play with Sam for a change. But then, that same calm I had at the cemetary came back to me as I played with Sam. Again, it was like I was meant to be there and enjoy a child who is very special to me. Sam's eyes had so much wisdom in them yesterday...it was as if my angels were living through her for a little while.
While I was with Kris and Sam, Kris mentioned that one of the firemen's wives (R) in town (I know this woman very well) is PG again....and it happened on BCPs again too. R has 2 other children (a daughter about 2 months older than Chris and a son who is exacly a year younger than her daughter, conceived on BCPs). R is not the most responsible mother you could meet (her children are already severely overweight...and it all has to do with their lifestyle, and they are not well disciplined). But, for some reason, the news was not upsetting to me at all. I thought I would be very upset that she is such a fertile-myrtle and I am stuck in this mess, but the news didn't bother me at all...
Maybe I am finally really accepting where my journey is taking me? Maybe I am really beginning to trust God's judgement on what he wants for me?
I left Kris' house around 1 pm and headed to my mom's to catch up. We had lunch when I arrived and since Chris had gone down for a nap about a half hour before I got back, we had a nice, long talk about so many things...which we haven't had a chance to do the past few weeks. Chris woke up around 3:30 pm and after a light snack (of birthday cake, of course), we noticed it was VERY sunny. So, we took Chris and Rusty (my mom's doggie, or 4th child since he is soooo spoiled) for a walk... Yet again, that calm and peace came back to me during that walk... The sun was so bright and warm, just for us.
I headed back home with Chris around 5 pm - I had to get dinner ready and prep for a work conference call that I couldn't not take. The conference call ended up being rather short, so I was able to return some phone calls...and FINALLY get my biopsy results (at 9 pm!) from my Upper GI scope last week (more 0n that later).
The rest of the evening was like any other evening really...until I was in bed and realized I never needed to cry or greive all day. I made it through the day with such peace...it is quite unexplainable, but welcomed.
I guess I am truly coming to terms with all that has happened over the past year...not that I am completely past this. I am sure I have way more to go. But, I feel at peace that my angels came and left for a very special reason and, although I don't yet know what that reason is, I am accepting of it.
It is such a nice change for me.... I haven't felt such peace since the first day I held Chris in my living room the day I brought him home from the hospital. That day, I had no other care in the world... And, I had no other care in the world yesterday other than to be with the people who mattered to me.
*** Just wanted to add a special thank you to all of you who read and/or post to my blog. You have all made getting through this time much easier, and there is no way I could every repay the kindness and care you have all shown to me over the past year. It is greatly appreciated...more than you will ever know... ***
Monday night, I came home with Chris from my mom's house with a plan to bake her a birthday cake for her 60th birthday on Tuesday (yes, the same day as my EDD). Upon a quick trip to the bathroom, found water all over the floor and started to freak out when Hubby came home about it. He inspected it closely (thank goodness he, after extensive training by his dad, is somewhat handy) and with a few phone calls, figured out the problem (a cracked supply valve). So, he shut the water supply off for the bathroom and we had dinner.
Once Chris was bathed (temporarily turning the water back on) and asleep, Hubby ran out to Home Depot to pick up a new valve and I started baking. Just as I had 5 more minutes on the baking time, Chris started to stir and Hubby was not home...so I started a mini-panic as I ran up the stairs (didn't want to burn the cake nor have Chris wake up and not be able to get back to that cake). As I was getting Chris back to sleep, I could hear Hubby blundering his way through the front door (stealthy, he is not!). Luckily for me, Chris went right back to sleep and I was able to rescue my cake.
Hubby finished the repair around 11 pm, just as I was finishing the icing... Then I headed off to bed. Took a little while to finally settle in...guess I had a lot of worries of what my EDD day would be like...
Tuesday morning, I got up normal time and got dressed. I drove Chris to my mom's with the cake and spent a little bit of time there, saying happy birthday and saying by-by to Chris. Then I left around 7:45 am for home.
Hubby and I set out around 8 am for the cemetary...we decided to plant three small plants at Hubby's great-grandparents' grave. We did that because we are just not sure how long we will be at the house. Since I wanted them to stay where they were, and Hubby feels a very strong connection to his greatgrandparents, this was the best possible place. When we arrived, we cleaned up the gravesite a bit and then started digging...and realized that our garden trowels were just not going to cut it for the digging! So, Hubby made a quick trip to Home Depot (yet again) to pick up a shovel...and I stayed behind to try to keep digging a bit.
At first I was a little nervous about being in a cemetary myself with no car.... But then, as the skies began to clear a bit and a cool breeze started to blow (NOT what our weather was supposed to be yesterday at all), a certain calm began to wash over me and I forgot I was alone. I can't quite explain this calm, but it was as if I was MEANT to be there at that time...and I could feel my angels with me. I just sat there for a while, enjoying this calm I haven't had for a long time.
Finally, hubby came back and we finished up with our planting. As we looked around to make sure everything was in order, we noticed that the pics of Chris from his first Easter (in 2005) were still wired to the headstone. The pics have long since faded...but, now they look like the old-style photos that our grandparents and greatgrandparents have, and his Eaton-style sailor suit he wore that day fit perfectly. We decided to leave the photos where they were and will go back in a week to add his new Easter (2006) pics.
After we were done, we had a little snack together at Dunkin Donuts (oh, yum!) and then he had to head off to work.
Since I needed to drop off Chris' old carseat to my closest friend (Kris) for her daughter (Sam) to use (she is Chris' Godmommy), I decided to make the trip a mini-visit. We have not had a girls-only day in a very long time...and I have not seen Sam in a few weeks... I stayed with Kris and Sam for almost 2 hours, and had a chance to really play with Sam for a change. But then, that same calm I had at the cemetary came back to me as I played with Sam. Again, it was like I was meant to be there and enjoy a child who is very special to me. Sam's eyes had so much wisdom in them yesterday...it was as if my angels were living through her for a little while.
While I was with Kris and Sam, Kris mentioned that one of the firemen's wives (R) in town (I know this woman very well) is PG again....and it happened on BCPs again too. R has 2 other children (a daughter about 2 months older than Chris and a son who is exacly a year younger than her daughter, conceived on BCPs). R is not the most responsible mother you could meet (her children are already severely overweight...and it all has to do with their lifestyle, and they are not well disciplined). But, for some reason, the news was not upsetting to me at all. I thought I would be very upset that she is such a fertile-myrtle and I am stuck in this mess, but the news didn't bother me at all...
Maybe I am finally really accepting where my journey is taking me? Maybe I am really beginning to trust God's judgement on what he wants for me?
I left Kris' house around 1 pm and headed to my mom's to catch up. We had lunch when I arrived and since Chris had gone down for a nap about a half hour before I got back, we had a nice, long talk about so many things...which we haven't had a chance to do the past few weeks. Chris woke up around 3:30 pm and after a light snack (of birthday cake, of course), we noticed it was VERY sunny. So, we took Chris and Rusty (my mom's doggie, or 4th child since he is soooo spoiled) for a walk... Yet again, that calm and peace came back to me during that walk... The sun was so bright and warm, just for us.
I headed back home with Chris around 5 pm - I had to get dinner ready and prep for a work conference call that I couldn't not take. The conference call ended up being rather short, so I was able to return some phone calls...and FINALLY get my biopsy results (at 9 pm!) from my Upper GI scope last week (more 0n that later).
The rest of the evening was like any other evening really...until I was in bed and realized I never needed to cry or greive all day. I made it through the day with such peace...it is quite unexplainable, but welcomed.
I guess I am truly coming to terms with all that has happened over the past year...not that I am completely past this. I am sure I have way more to go. But, I feel at peace that my angels came and left for a very special reason and, although I don't yet know what that reason is, I am accepting of it.
It is such a nice change for me.... I haven't felt such peace since the first day I held Chris in my living room the day I brought him home from the hospital. That day, I had no other care in the world... And, I had no other care in the world yesterday other than to be with the people who mattered to me.
*** Just wanted to add a special thank you to all of you who read and/or post to my blog. You have all made getting through this time much easier, and there is no way I could every repay the kindness and care you have all shown to me over the past year. It is greatly appreciated...more than you will ever know... ***
Monday, June 26, 2006
A Child's Goodby
Below is the poem I have on my angel's memory box. It is so special to us, especially in light of my edd tomorrow...
A Child’s Goodbye
Hooray! A brother or sister for me.
A new baby to add to the family.
A brother to play ball, A sister and her doll.
We will be a happy family.
One day, Mom and Dad have tears,
I watch them with fear.
They give me a hug and kiss,
Our baby-to-be they miss.
My brother or sister one day
An angel now has flown away.
Our angel we love,
Was called by God up above.
With Mom and Dad, I too am sad,
This is something so bad.
Not an angel did we seek
But a person for us to meet.
One day when God calls me
My angel sibling I will see.
For now I know she is happy to be
A member of God’s Angel family!
A new baby to add to the family.
A brother to play ball, A sister and her doll.
We will be a happy family.
One day, Mom and Dad have tears,
I watch them with fear.
They give me a hug and kiss,
Our baby-to-be they miss.
My brother or sister one day
An angel now has flown away.
Our angel we love,
Was called by God up above.
With Mom and Dad, I too am sad,
This is something so bad.
Not an angel did we seek
But a person for us to meet.
One day when God calls me
My angel sibling I will see.
For now I know she is happy to be
A member of God’s Angel family!
By Colleen Berry
Saturday, June 24, 2006
My Angel Baby
My Angel Baby
To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.
(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved
To the baby that I carried
But never seen your eyes
Or tell you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.
(c) Lori Jager All Rights Reserved
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Countdown to my EDD-not-to-be next week
....Five days until my EDD from my November miscarriage. And, I am so unsure of how I am going to be that day...I am scared of losing it completely. June 27th should be a happy day - My mom turns 60 years old. Yet, the day is going to be overshadowed by one of three losses I have had in less than two years.
Things are just so different than what they should be right now...
I am trying so hard to put my faith back in God...to trust that when the time is right, another miracle will come to us. But, in five days, I will have that reminder of how one of my miracles was taken from me. How can I not be angry at God for taking my babies away?
I have so many blessing in my life... Chris is funnier and smarter than ever, the Hubby has been very understanding of everything I am trying to get through, my bosses have been understanding of the time I need off, my family and friends who know have been so supportive. And, I have an answer for my babies being gone from me...and hope from Dr. D that another miracle will come to us. And, I live through that right now.
But, I miss my babies. What more can I say?
Things are just so different than what they should be right now...
- We are taking down Chris' crib within the next two weeks to make way for his twin bed...We should have been moving Chris' room and prepping the crib for our new baby...
- I should be off on maternity leave, enjoying a break from work and a summer off with my babies...
- I should be waiting for labor to start, not going through different medical tests for things that came up since the last miscarriage...
- I should be happy to be bringing home a new addition to our family, not grieving for three babies we have lost.
I am trying so hard to put my faith back in God...to trust that when the time is right, another miracle will come to us. But, in five days, I will have that reminder of how one of my miracles was taken from me. How can I not be angry at God for taking my babies away?
I have so many blessing in my life... Chris is funnier and smarter than ever, the Hubby has been very understanding of everything I am trying to get through, my bosses have been understanding of the time I need off, my family and friends who know have been so supportive. And, I have an answer for my babies being gone from me...and hope from Dr. D that another miracle will come to us. And, I live through that right now.
But, I miss my babies. What more can I say?
My Upper GI update
Had my Upper GI scope done yesterday... Wasn't all that bad, except for the minor stomach cramps from where the biopsies were taken (standard stuff for an Upper GI scope).
So far, I have inflamation in my esophogus and several areas of my stomach... Until the biopsies are back on Monday (which I have to call for), I am to stay on the Aciphex once a day and watch what I am eating. Depending on the test results on Monday, I may still have to go for a scan of the gallbladder to rule that out as a complication.
Yet again, I wait. Tummy has not been too bad today...but not going to talk to soon either!
Dr. R did promise me yesterday that he would make sure my file with Dr. D's bloodwork in it is placed on Dr. M's chair to review the MTHFR results... He understands I need to get that moving for TTC purposes, so he will leave it with a note to go through it.
Wait some more....
So far, I have inflamation in my esophogus and several areas of my stomach... Until the biopsies are back on Monday (which I have to call for), I am to stay on the Aciphex once a day and watch what I am eating. Depending on the test results on Monday, I may still have to go for a scan of the gallbladder to rule that out as a complication.
Yet again, I wait. Tummy has not been too bad today...but not going to talk to soon either!
Dr. R did promise me yesterday that he would make sure my file with Dr. D's bloodwork in it is placed on Dr. M's chair to review the MTHFR results... He understands I need to get that moving for TTC purposes, so he will leave it with a note to go through it.
Wait some more....
Thursday, June 15, 2006
A journey into how one becomes a control freak
During my counseling session on Wednesday evening, one of the issues Dr. P said he would really like us to work on is my need for control. Of course, I have several previous posts on this...and I KNOW this is a big issue for me. But, the theme he said that lingers through everything we have talked about thus far (and that I couldn't see until he said it) is that I am looking for an insurance policy to my life, and more specifically, one to ensure that the next pregnancy is a sticky one. Unfortunately for me, I can't say he's wrong...and I HATE being wrong!
So, since I am talking about my control issues (and subsequent lack-there-of over the past year or so), this got me to thinking How exactly did I end up BEING such a control freak?
Let us take a little trip back to my early childhood...Rather uneventful really: Never really did without things I wanted, certainly never went hungry, spent my entire summers at the Jersey shore with my grandparents at their vacation house, had nice parties and such. I was happy, and much loved. The only real sore-spot to my childhood was the constant fighting my parents did...week after week, always about the same things. I promised myself at that time that, when I was older, my marriage wouldn't involve such fighting...and I wouldn't allow my children to have to go through it. This, I suppose, could be the cornerstone to the control issues: refusing to end up like my mom. She is such a wonderful person, but allows everyone to walk all over her.
We made the "big move" when I was in the middle of 5th grade (one town over - Haha!) - my old school district was desegregating the school system, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, but it was forcing us to have to go across town to school when we had a local school we could walk to. So, when we moved, I started Catholic school...where, I quickly learned that my public school education was rather "inferior." The first question Sister Gilbert (she would remind you of Darth Vader in a white habit) asked me to do in English: Diagram a sentance. I said, "Dia-what?" Out of sheer embarassment of not knowing how to do that AT ALL, I learned very quickly and became on of the best in the class. So, here stands another brick to the control wall: refusing to be at the bottom of the totem pole in school.
When I was ready for high school, I chose to go to an all-girls Catholic high school. I was in the honors classes...and my grades were usually very good (not 4.0, but honor's list most of the time). But, I was one of those people who had the most organized lockers...and "color coded" notebooks...and pencil cases...and nearly decorated locker door... See the pattern forming? I was too neat and organized. What was I thinking? I was involved in so many things...and loved it. I think is where I started to really develop my "craft."
In college, I was always the "mamma hen" to our group...rarely drank, and was always the one to count on to walk a very intoxicated friend home safely. I was the one to organize the chores in the house we rented in our Junior and Senior year. Then, there are my notebooks for class...neatly organized, legible, way too organized. Everyone wanted to borrow my notebooks to copy from because the notes were complete.
It was in college that I really started taking different jobs or involving myself in different activities that always involved a leadership role: supervising others and correcting their mistakes. By the time I graduated college, I was working as a TA in the Psych Department and my hours went to 9-10 pm at night (sometimes on Friday's). I loved what I was doing...but I also liked the control I had on how things were handled, and how the professor I worked for relied on me.
In the two jobs I have had (specifically, my current one) since graduation, I started out in one position, but then was quickly moved into something else when I proved I had the chops. Yet again, I worked longer hours, corrected problems that came up...blah, blah, blah. I have certainly perfected my craft now.
Control over things in your life has a rush that parallels other things that can be addictive... You know how things will turn out because you saw it through every step of the way.
But, there are obviously things you cannot control, and I am trying to re-learn how to accept that. Here are two cases where I was able to do that and the end results were what they needed to be:
Hubby and I were high school sweethearts...met my freshman year and dated all through high school. When I left for college, we agreed to date other people - we didn't want to rush into marriage, especially me. In my senior year, Hubby started law school and was having a very hard time adjusting (which he failed to tell me when it was happening). So, between the physical distance, his issues with school and my deciding what my next step in life would be, we started to drift apart. When I came home, we were barely speaking. I decided that, if we were meant to be, we would...and I didn't push. After a few weeks, we got back into talking and began to work things out...and rediscover each other. And, well, the rest is history.
When Hubby and I decided that TTC on our own wasn't working, we contacted Dr. D about it. Since, at that time, I was so new to the medical interventions, I really didn't know what to expect - or what I could control. So, we went through the testing, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork, the insemination just trusting Dr. D and his knowledge. Lo and behold, I got PG in the first cycle with Chris...and I was able to enjoy that pregnancy in total ignorance of what was to come with TTC again.
The question is: How do I get myself back to that point of letting things go, and allow thing to be what they will be? And, how do I balance that while still being my own best advocate?
The first step, which I am trying to do now, is just trust again in letting things come to me when they need to. I did that with the recurrent loss panel - I didn't stalk Dr. D for the results (even though we were pushing 4 weeks since the blood draw), and he called with the problem at the right time for me. We are starting to address it now, and I am doing my research, but I am not pushing like there is a deadline to meet.
I know I can do this, it will just take some time.
So, since I am talking about my control issues (and subsequent lack-there-of over the past year or so), this got me to thinking How exactly did I end up BEING such a control freak?
Let us take a little trip back to my early childhood...Rather uneventful really: Never really did without things I wanted, certainly never went hungry, spent my entire summers at the Jersey shore with my grandparents at their vacation house, had nice parties and such. I was happy, and much loved. The only real sore-spot to my childhood was the constant fighting my parents did...week after week, always about the same things. I promised myself at that time that, when I was older, my marriage wouldn't involve such fighting...and I wouldn't allow my children to have to go through it. This, I suppose, could be the cornerstone to the control issues: refusing to end up like my mom. She is such a wonderful person, but allows everyone to walk all over her.
We made the "big move" when I was in the middle of 5th grade (one town over - Haha!) - my old school district was desegregating the school system, which in and of itself is not a bad thing, but it was forcing us to have to go across town to school when we had a local school we could walk to. So, when we moved, I started Catholic school...where, I quickly learned that my public school education was rather "inferior." The first question Sister Gilbert (she would remind you of Darth Vader in a white habit) asked me to do in English: Diagram a sentance. I said, "Dia-what?" Out of sheer embarassment of not knowing how to do that AT ALL, I learned very quickly and became on of the best in the class. So, here stands another brick to the control wall: refusing to be at the bottom of the totem pole in school.
When I was ready for high school, I chose to go to an all-girls Catholic high school. I was in the honors classes...and my grades were usually very good (not 4.0, but honor's list most of the time). But, I was one of those people who had the most organized lockers...and "color coded" notebooks...and pencil cases...and nearly decorated locker door... See the pattern forming? I was too neat and organized. What was I thinking? I was involved in so many things...and loved it. I think is where I started to really develop my "craft."
In college, I was always the "mamma hen" to our group...rarely drank, and was always the one to count on to walk a very intoxicated friend home safely. I was the one to organize the chores in the house we rented in our Junior and Senior year. Then, there are my notebooks for class...neatly organized, legible, way too organized. Everyone wanted to borrow my notebooks to copy from because the notes were complete.
It was in college that I really started taking different jobs or involving myself in different activities that always involved a leadership role: supervising others and correcting their mistakes. By the time I graduated college, I was working as a TA in the Psych Department and my hours went to 9-10 pm at night (sometimes on Friday's). I loved what I was doing...but I also liked the control I had on how things were handled, and how the professor I worked for relied on me.
In the two jobs I have had (specifically, my current one) since graduation, I started out in one position, but then was quickly moved into something else when I proved I had the chops. Yet again, I worked longer hours, corrected problems that came up...blah, blah, blah. I have certainly perfected my craft now.
Control over things in your life has a rush that parallels other things that can be addictive... You know how things will turn out because you saw it through every step of the way.
But, there are obviously things you cannot control, and I am trying to re-learn how to accept that. Here are two cases where I was able to do that and the end results were what they needed to be:
The question is: How do I get myself back to that point of letting things go, and allow thing to be what they will be? And, how do I balance that while still being my own best advocate?
The first step, which I am trying to do now, is just trust again in letting things come to me when they need to. I did that with the recurrent loss panel - I didn't stalk Dr. D for the results (even though we were pushing 4 weeks since the blood draw), and he called with the problem at the right time for me. We are starting to address it now, and I am doing my research, but I am not pushing like there is a deadline to meet.
I know I can do this, it will just take some time.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Does anyone have a spare marshmallow?
Now that my quarterly visits from AF are temporarily turning into monthly visits (thank you, blessed BCPs!), I just realized today that I am out of marshmallows!
...Marshmallows, in DH's family, mean maxi pads...
I just gave myself a little chuckle this afternoon over this because, quite frankly, this is usually never an issue for me! When you only get your AF every 3-4 months, maxi pads usually get stockpiled under the vanity, and occasionally knocked over by DH. How odd for me to be worrying about maxi pads and Midol!
...Off to Walgreens I go!
...Marshmallows, in DH's family, mean maxi pads...
I just gave myself a little chuckle this afternoon over this because, quite frankly, this is usually never an issue for me! When you only get your AF every 3-4 months, maxi pads usually get stockpiled under the vanity, and occasionally knocked over by DH. How odd for me to be worrying about maxi pads and Midol!
...Off to Walgreens I go!
Monday, June 12, 2006
I finally have an answer for these losses...
Metylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase - or, MTHFR.
Dr. D called me this morning - which I was not expecting at all - and told me everything was normal, except for a MTHFR mutation (for which I have 2 variant genes).
As it stands right now, he is faxing my labs to my GP (Dr. McG) so he can order more bloodwork. Once that all comes in and Dr. D gets a copy, he is going to refer me out to a high risk OB/GYN group at St. Barnabas Medical Center and do a consult with them to see what protocol I will be under. He said we are probably looking at high doses of Folic Acid - anything else, he will consult on with the High Risk OB/GYN on.
So, I have an answer...and one that I was not expecting to get.
** Updated September 29, 2006 to add: Here are my current Homocysteine levels, before starting Folgard 1x daily on August 30, 2006 - to be rechecked in November 2006):
I have so much research to do on this now, but from what I have found so far...
From Ask Dr. Stephan Moll (http://www.fvleiden.org)
So much to read now... But, I have an answer... Finally.
Dr. D called me this morning - which I was not expecting at all - and told me everything was normal, except for a MTHFR mutation (for which I have 2 variant genes).
As it stands right now, he is faxing my labs to my GP (Dr. McG) so he can order more bloodwork. Once that all comes in and Dr. D gets a copy, he is going to refer me out to a high risk OB/GYN group at St. Barnabas Medical Center and do a consult with them to see what protocol I will be under. He said we are probably looking at high doses of Folic Acid - anything else, he will consult on with the High Risk OB/GYN on.
So, I have an answer...and one that I was not expecting to get.
** Updated September 29, 2006 to add: Here are my current Homocysteine levels, before starting Folgard 1x daily on August 30, 2006 - to be rechecked in November 2006):
- from May 9, 2006 (in the Recurrent Loss Panel, which shows the beginning of elevated levels): 10.8
- from August 15, 2006 (during office visit for stomach issues to my GP): 15.3
- average range limits: 3.3-10.4
I have so much research to do on this now, but from what I have found so far...
From Ask Dr. Stephan Moll (http://www.fvleiden.org)
MTHFR stands for Metylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase. Some individuals with the homozygous MTHFR mutation have elevated homocysteine levels. Elevated homocysteine levels are a risk factor for blood clots. The individual with the MTHFR mutation who have normal homocysteine levels are not at increased risk for clots. Thus, the MTHFR mutation by itself is not a clotting disorder.
MTHFR is an enzyme, which we all have in the cells of our body. It is needed to metabolize and get rid of homocysteine. High homocysteine levels are a risk factor for blood clots in the veins (DVT, PE) or arteries (heart attack, stroke, arteriosclerosis). Some people have a variant of this enzyme, which is called "thermolabile MTHFR" or C677T/MTHFR. It is due to a single mutation of the MTHFR gene. This variant does not metabolize homocysteine as well as the normal MTHFR enzyme, and blood homocysteine levels in individuals with this variant enzyme may therefore be slightly higher than in individuals with the normal enzyme.
The MTHFR mutation is extremely common:
* 44 of the population have the normal enzyme
* 44 % are heterozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 1 variant gene). These individuals have some normal enzyme and some of the thermolabile variant of the enzyme.
* 12 % are homozygous for the mutation (i.e. have 2 variant genes). All of these individuals' enzyme is the thermolabile variant.
Presence of the homozygous thermolabile MTHFR mutation is only one of various reasons why homocysteine levels can be elevated. Other reasons are vitamin B and folate deficiency and renal failure. Often we do not know why levels are elevated. Some studies reported that the homozygous thermolabile MTHFR mutation is associated with arterial clots. However, an overview of all studies concluded that this is not so. Studies on the association of the homozygous MTHFR mutation and venous blood clots (DVT, PE) have been inconsistent: some studies found a slight association, others none at all.
A normal homocysteine level is often defined as one being less than 13.0 micromol/L. The higher the level, the higher the risk for clots. Levels can be lowered by taking a multiple vitamin with a high content of folic acid (for example 400 mcg = 0.4 mg), vitamin B6 (= pyridoxine; for example 25 mg) and B12 (= cobalamin; for example 1 mg). Often folate treatment alone (dose: 0.4-5 mg per day) lowers homocysteine levels sufficiently. Alternatively, one can take a prescription multiple vitamin daily: Approximately 2 months after starting vitamins a homocysteine level should be checked again to make sure it has decreased into the normal range.
So much to read now... But, I have an answer... Finally.
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