Well, I survived my first known miscarriage EDD yesterday...and I am really okay. Here is what I did to pass the day (NOT going to work for one, which my bosses were very understanding of), starting with Monday evening...
Monday night, I came home with Chris from my mom's house with a plan to bake her a birthday cake for her 60th birthday on Tuesday (yes, the same day as my EDD). Upon a quick trip to the bathroom, found water all over the floor and started to freak out when Hubby came home about it. He inspected it closely (thank goodness he, after extensive training by his dad, is somewhat handy) and with a few phone calls, figured out the problem (a cracked supply valve). So, he shut the water supply off for the bathroom and we had dinner.
Once Chris was bathed (temporarily turning the water back on) and asleep, Hubby ran out to Home Depot to pick up a new valve and I started baking. Just as I had 5 more minutes on the baking time, Chris started to stir and Hubby was not home...so I started a mini-panic as I ran up the stairs (didn't want to burn the cake nor have Chris wake up and not be able to get back to that cake). As I was getting Chris back to sleep, I could hear Hubby blundering his way through the front door (stealthy, he is not!). Luckily for me, Chris went right back to sleep and I was able to rescue my cake.
Hubby finished the repair around 11 pm, just as I was finishing the icing... Then I headed off to bed. Took a little while to finally settle in...guess I had a lot of worries of what my EDD day would be like...
Tuesday morning, I got up normal time and got dressed. I drove Chris to my mom's with the cake and spent a little bit of time there, saying happy birthday and saying by-by to Chris. Then I left around 7:45 am for home.
Hubby and I set out around 8 am for the cemetary...we decided to plant three small plants at Hubby's great-grandparents' grave. We did that because we are just not sure how long we will be at the house. Since I wanted them to stay where they were, and Hubby feels a very strong connection to his greatgrandparents, this was the best possible place. When we arrived, we cleaned up the gravesite a bit and then started digging...and realized that our garden trowels were just not going to cut it for the digging! So, Hubby made a quick trip to Home Depot (yet again) to pick up a shovel...and I stayed behind to try to keep digging a bit.
At first I was a little nervous about being in a cemetary myself with no car.... But then, as the skies began to clear a bit and a cool breeze started to blow (NOT what our weather was supposed to be yesterday at all), a certain calm began to wash over me and I forgot I was alone. I can't quite explain this calm, but it was as if I was MEANT to be there at that time...and I could feel my angels with me. I just sat there for a while, enjoying this calm I haven't had for a long time.
Finally, hubby came back and we finished up with our planting. As we looked around to make sure everything was in order, we noticed that the pics of Chris from his first Easter (in 2005) were still wired to the headstone. The pics have long since faded...but, now they look like the old-style photos that our grandparents and greatgrandparents have, and his Eaton-style sailor suit he wore that day fit perfectly. We decided to leave the photos where they were and will go back in a week to add his new Easter (2006) pics.
After we were done, we had a little snack together at Dunkin Donuts (oh, yum!) and then he had to head off to work.
Since I needed to drop off Chris' old carseat to my closest friend (Kris) for her daughter (Sam) to use (she is Chris' Godmommy), I decided to make the trip a mini-visit. We have not had a girls-only day in a very long time...and I have not seen Sam in a few weeks... I stayed with Kris and Sam for almost 2 hours, and had a chance to really play with Sam for a change. But then, that same calm I had at the cemetary came back to me as I played with Sam. Again, it was like I was meant to be there and enjoy a child who is very special to me. Sam's eyes had so much wisdom in them yesterday...it was as if my angels were living through her for a little while.
While I was with Kris and Sam, Kris mentioned that one of the firemen's wives (R) in town (I know this woman very well) is PG again....and it happened on BCPs again too. R has 2 other children (a daughter about 2 months older than Chris and a son who is exacly a year younger than her daughter, conceived on BCPs). R is not the most responsible mother you could meet (her children are already severely overweight...and it all has to do with their lifestyle, and they are not well disciplined). But, for some reason, the news was not upsetting to me at all. I thought I would be very upset that she is such a fertile-myrtle and I am stuck in this mess, but the news didn't bother me at all...
Maybe I am finally really accepting where my journey is taking me? Maybe I am really beginning to trust God's judgement on what he wants for me?
I left Kris' house around 1 pm and headed to my mom's to catch up. We had lunch when I arrived and since Chris had gone down for a nap about a half hour before I got back, we had a nice, long talk about so many things...which we haven't had a chance to do the past few weeks. Chris woke up around 3:30 pm and after a light snack (of birthday cake, of course), we noticed it was VERY sunny. So, we took Chris and Rusty (my mom's doggie, or 4th child since he is soooo spoiled) for a walk... Yet again, that calm and peace came back to me during that walk... The sun was so bright and warm, just for us.
I headed back home with Chris around 5 pm - I had to get dinner ready and prep for a work conference call that I couldn't not take. The conference call ended up being rather short, so I was able to return some phone calls...and FINALLY get my biopsy results (at 9 pm!) from my Upper GI scope last week (more 0n that later).
The rest of the evening was like any other evening really...until I was in bed and realized I never needed to cry or greive all day. I made it through the day with such peace...it is quite unexplainable, but welcomed.
I guess I am truly coming to terms with all that has happened over the past year...not that I am completely past this. I am sure I have way more to go. But, I feel at peace that my angels came and left for a very special reason and, although I don't yet know what that reason is, I am accepting of it.
It is such a nice change for me.... I haven't felt such peace since the first day I held Chris in my living room the day I brought him home from the hospital. That day, I had no other care in the world... And, I had no other care in the world yesterday other than to be with the people who mattered to me.
*** Just wanted to add a special thank you to all of you who read and/or post to my blog. You have all made getting through this time much easier, and there is no way I could every repay the kindness and care you have all shown to me over the past year. It is greatly appreciated...more than you will ever know... ***