Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Maybe I just wasn't ready for my Angel Babies

I decided I need to stop car-pooling to work with our System's Administrator for a while. I haven't come out and flatly told him that yet - just made some excuses for right now about needing to do some things at night (I will fess up soon though - I don't want to be bitchy about it since he is a nice person). We have car-pooling since January 2006 to save on gas money since gas has been so expensive (and his house is on my way to work anyway). But, I have always done my best thinking in the car and carpooling 1) does not allow me to think freely since you are usually talking about stupid stuff to pass the time and 2) it adds time on to my commute since I detour off my route. I think, for me, not having that hour-ish commute in and home alone this past year has been costly to me emotionally - I would have rathered paid more for the gas than the emotional pitfalls is caused.

Anyways, last week was just BEAUTIFUL here in the NorthEast! I went out walking almost every day - it was warm, sunny (except for a little scattered rain and snow flurries) and perfect for walking! I ended up walking three miles on Friday instead of the two I normally walk just because it was too georgous to be inside (and I don't have a window in my office). I really have missed walking over the winter - I never realized how much it helped my mood until now.

I have been walking with my new XM portable player and while walking, I end up listening to a station called The Message. Last year I was walking with nothing - but, now that I have the portable player, I can take it with me when I want to. This particular station is mix of Christian and positive popular music from the '80's through now - and it nice to listen to. Positive and uplifting - delivering messages I think I need to hear (this is not to say, of course, I still don't have my '80's hair metal and club music playing in my car! I still love that stuff - even though I am dating myself!).

So, I drove home from work on Thursday with the windows rolled down and Dirty Vegas and Daft Punk blaring through the open windows. This is something I don't normally do - I am usually too worried about my hair getting messed up (obsessive, no??). I felt like such a club chick again. But, lately, I really don't care if my hair gets messed up by the wind. I don't care if people don't like what I am listening too. Frankly, I don't care what other people think anymore. This is MY life and I don't want to be confined by what others think. I want what I want - and that is to love my family, love myself and if I am lucky enough, have another child to add to the love I have to give.

So, it occurred to me on this ride home that maybe - JUST maybe - I wasn't ready for our angel babies to be with us...

What an admission to make.

But, I think I needed to slow down -- stop worrying about things I can't control and what other people thought of me and my life. I needed to reclaim my soul and my spirit in order to be a better mommy, a better wife, a more complete person. Unfortuntely for me, I needed such tough signs (meaning my miscarriages) for me to slow down and turn inward and reevaluate what I have been doing to myself. But, the message has finally come across - and I am grateful.

How could I have been a good mommy to these angel babies and to Chris if I couldn't be kind and true to myself?

I have worked to hard to reclaim so much of myself since December - and starting the Lexapro/Xanex was a stop-gap to allow the real healing to begin. I have rediscovered my precious time with Chris and my family and the time with them that matters the most. I have reestablished my friendships that I didn't think I had time for anymore and I am enjoying the "girl times" of high school and college again. I have rediscovered interests I have always had and burried because I didn't "have time" for them. I have begun to live in the moment more and let things that don't matter as much just roll off my back.

These are things I just couldn't have done if I kept banging my head against the wall, TTC a child my body just couldn't carry at the time and my soul probably wasn't truly ready for.

Now that I have a new mindset - and made time for myself - maybe it will be different trying again. I am hoping June could be a good time to start again - but, that all depends upon the doctor appointments coming up. I have to have my thyroid levels rechecked and see what is happening with them (I think I will be starting meds to lower my TSH levels). I have to see if I can come off Xanex (which I have actually gone a few days without now here and there...and when I do feel I need to take it, it is less than half of what I started on) and either come off Lexapro completely or maybe switch to something safer to TTC on.

But, I am not going to push things either. I am not going to beat myself up if I am not physically or emotionally ready to come off Lexapro or Xanex. I am not going to beat myself up is I am still TTC past age 35. I am not going to worry anymore about the age gap between Chris and another baby - a gap I never felt I wanted. I will let a new life come to me - to us - when it is the right time...if it is ever the right time.

I do have to admit (** blush **) that the yoga, guided imagery and reading have all helped so much to start overcoming the anxiety I have lived with so long... I feel like a dork for having poo-poo'ed it for so long. Hubby has tried to get me to try it for quite some time - but I had to come around to these techniques on my own.

Live and learn, right?

But, I have learned and that is what is important now. I wasted time, but will no longer waste time. I want Chris to have sweet memories of a happy childhood and a happy mommy - and that is what he can have now. If more should come, then it will just add to the happiness.

Of course, I want to keep sharing my journey - I called up this morning to participate in a study about perinatal loss a doctoral student at NYU is conducting. I am still going to partipate in pregnancy/child loss rememberance walks and donate money to the March of Dimes. These things are all important to me - education and support are key to letting people know how loss affects us. But, my losses are not going to define who I am anymore - they are just a part of who I am now.

All of these positive changes in my mindset are not to say there will be other pitfalls - I am sure there will be. But, I am beginning to handle them better now...not jump to an anxiety-driven, wrong conclusion. I am not falling apart when something goes wrong. And, not losing it feels good - feels like I used to feel before this whole mess started.

Remember Homework assignment: Name Your "Failures"? This list doesn't seem as important anymore...

So, here is a song I just heard today that kinda sums up how I feel right now... Enjoy!

No More, No Less
by MercyMe

I'm not trying to hide anything
I wear it on my sleeve
I wear it on my sleeve
I'm not trying to be something I'm not
This is all I've got
This is all I've got
I'm not trying to re-invent the wheel
Just trying to be real
Trying to be real
I'm not trying to say follow me
I'm not the one who leads
I'm not the one who leads

Let me introduce myself to you
This is who I am
No more, no less
I am just a man who understands
Because of You I'm blessed
No more, no less

I'm not trying to prove anything
It's all about the change
It's all about the change

I hope you stare just long enough to see
The heart that's beating here inside of me
Beyond all the things you may think you know
I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it
No more, no less
Lord, I want to go home
Nothing more, nothing less


Adrienne said...

Wow. Just, wow. What a wonderful place you're in right now. I could feel your happiness while I was reading the post. And that's an awesome thing.

Val said...

GREAT post. I love loud music - 80s music too (dating myself there too). And contemporary Christian music. That mercy me song is great. I'm so happy to see you being uplifted. Keep up the good work.