Looking back to how far I have come since July 2005

I decided today to look through some of my past posts... To see how far I have come since TTC #2 and figure out how much farther I have to go in reclaiming my life, and to move beyond the pain of the last year.

First and foremost, I can't believe I have actually stuck it out and continued to write for seven months straight! I have been totally honest with myself - and for the first time, not been afraid to show the hurt that has been in my heart to the outside world. This has been one of the hardest things for me to do - I, unlike my Hubby, am not good at verbalizing how I feel. I usually acknowledge to myself my hurts and hide them from the rest of the world. But, through "journaling," I am really learning how to talk about my pain, and allowing it to make a positive turn in my life.

Second, the anger I have had - whether obvious or subtle through my past ramblings - seems to be fading into the background. Even though I have more "anniversaries" to get through (meaning more hurts to overcome), I feel like I am more at peace with how events have unfolded over the past year. I feel like powers beyond my control are guiding me to the right time to start TTC again - that 2006 was not the right year to bring another life into our family. And, I am accepting that now.

Third, I am getting my humor back, learning to enjoy some of the things I used to enjoy way before TTC ever ruled my world, and focusing on the things that matter most in my life: My family and friends. It has been a long time since little things like swinging with Chris on a swing at the park or calling one of my girlfriends has truly made me happy... It is a nice feeling to be comfortable in my own skin again.

And, last and something that is very important to me - I am finding my faith again. As many of you know, my faith has been very lacking over the past year (see post on Has anyone seen my faith?)... I tried going back to church again, I tried listening to and reading things that should have brought me closer to the faith I once had, and up to this point, not much had worked. I have envied how others, through their own struggles, could keep their faith and I could not. But, I do feel that my losses have brought through some new hope in a new life (see How my miscarriages have brought forth new life) and I am finally at peace...and have some faith again.

As TTC again looms in front of me - I can finally acknowledge that I AM scared of what is to come. I AM scared of miscarrying again. I AM scared of the cycles just not working. I AM scared that I won't be able to conquer my fears. But, I think I am better able to face these fears now...and work through them.

...And, yes, I will still continue to see my counselor through TTC again. ;)

I know I am getting the best care I can through Dr. D and the MFM clinic, and any future pregnancies will be watched more closely. I know I have a great emotional support network in place - and know who I can count on if another loss is enevitable. I know I am physically healthier (well, almost - still working on the stomach stuff here!) and in much better shape to hold another pregnancy. And, I LIKE looking in the mirror and seeing my old shape back!

I am ready for this - I am ready to try to conceive again. I will not look back at past cycles and compare them to current ones anymore. I will not be charting, except for meds, OPKs (if I even have to do them) and procedures like IUI. I am ready to accept the "What will be, will be" and truly live it that way.

Maybe that has been my lesson all along...and only now am I able to see it, accept it, and let it go.

So, in honor of beginning to let go...

Fly
By Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless Journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace all one word
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light.