Friday, September 29, 2006

MIL rant up ahead...

On rare occasions, my mother-in-law and I get into discussions in which we don't quite agree...

Now, don't get me wrong - we are VERY close, which is rare in the IL world - she has been a second mother to me since Hubby and I met in 1987 at the mere age of 14 years old. She even has threatened Hubby that she would personally hang him if he ever hurt me in any way physical or had an affair (HeeHee...good to know she's got my back on that!). Hell, she was even with me when I picked up Hubby's sample from the hospital and escorted it with me to the IUI that resulted in her grandson!

Anyways, we were talking on the phone last night about various ladies I am friends with who are either having a hard time TTC #1, are having a hard time TTC #2 (like me), or are contemplating TTC again in the near future. Normally, she is extremely supportive of what we ladies are doing... But, last night she made a few comments that, after some brewing time, kinda pissed me off. Luckily, I have been in a MUCH better mood lately, so I didn't reach through the phone and bite her head off. But, her observations, none the less, bothered me.

"Back in our day, we didn't PLAN on having children. You just got married and assumed that you would have children when it happened."

Well, that's all fine and dandy if, well, your body actually wants to agree and function normally to produce a child.

Sure, I can get pregnant - but only on meds. My body refuses to ovulate on its own and play nicely when we decide we want to try for a baby, so that laid back idea of having children is not an option for us. We HAVE TO plan - plan when I will approximately get my period (since getting my period is challenge to start with), plan what chart days I have to take whatever meds, plan on picking up those lovely OPKs and use them, plan when my u/s's will be, plan when DH has to pass off his sample to the lab, plan when the IUI will be, plan make-up time for my work at my job... You get my drift.

And, then there are my friends who have to plan even MORE than what I have to because their protocols are way more complicated and rely on precise timing... How exactly does she think that someone with blocked tubes will get pregnant UNplanned?

"Aren't some of you TTC to late in your life? How are you going to keep up with the kids? I had Ken when I was 21!"

Uh, well, some of us didn't quite plan on TTC in our mid- to approaching late 30's. If I had it my way, Hubby would not have been pushed into going to law school by his parents (okay, really by my MIL), waste $100,000 on a career he doesn't like, and have that $100,000 still looming over our heads to pay off. I would have LIKED to start TTC when I was in my late 20's - but, how can you even consider trying to have a baby when you can't even afford to live in a studio apartment because of the freakin' law school loans?

Then, let's also talk about the fact that some of us weren't quite planning on it being so difficult to have a child in the first place. I wasn't counting on it taking me 18 months to TTC Chris, and I certainly wasn't counting on a year filled with failed cycles and miscarriages. Does she honestly think that someone really WANTS to spend 4+ years TTC and be closing in on 34 years old and still be waiting for the stork to arrive, like my friend S has??? Okay....we confess! We just want to bitch about it for days, weeks, months, years on end. NOT!

Who ever dictated that every woman needs to have two or more children? Isn't one enough?

...and this is coming from the same person who asked us when #2 would be coming along when Chris was less than a year old...

I don't NEED two children - I WANT two children (Hell, I'd have more if the money was available to raise them!)! Where is it written that wanting more children is a crime?

I LOVE Chris with all my heart - I would move Heaven and Earth for him, would die for him. He has filled my heart with so much love, I could never put it into words. But, has she ever thought that maybe I would like him to have a sibling? My want for a second child goes beyond my desires of feeling a baby kick in my tummy and bring a new life into this world... Chris deserves to have a sibling (or siblings, if God gives us more), if I can give one to him. Hubby has told me many times how he wished he had siblings...unfortunately, God was not kind when my MIL miscarried twin boys at 5+ months. He longed for the closeness that only siblings have (well, most siblings are another story).

Some couples only want one child - and that is a-okay with me! But, some couples want 10 children or more, and mine is not to question that - not is it hers to question me wanted one more. Just one more.

I realize different times produce different people. But, chosing to have a child now is way more complicated than ever before - there is college to think of, expenses for living, health insurance, the list is endless. Back in her day, you got married, you had kids, then your life began when the children were grown - now, you need to have yourself financially established before you decide it is time for children, otherwise you have no cash to raise them with and you live paycheck to paycheck.

I don't need the "finer things" in my life.... I am not asking for diamonds, expensive cars and a McMansion. All I want is another, healthy child. I don't think that is too much to ask for. Right?

I wish she could just take her blinders off sometimes and see things for what they are. Life cheated her out of the things she would have liked to do or have - if she were having her miscarriage now, chances are the one who was healthy would have survived, or survived long enough for her to hold. So why question the things we want to do, if there are means to attain those wants?


Jessica said...

Oh man I'm feeling your vent and I see it was much needed, and you were right to feel the way you do. Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't have such strong opinions on things they know nothing about.

:hugs: to you!

I am glad however you do have a pretty good relationship with her!

dawn said...

:hugs: to you!! Like Jess said you have every right to feel the way you do. Thankfully we all have a place to express it!