....and 2 years ago today...

...I had my first miscarriage.

After Chris was born in 2004, I opted not to try BCPs after pregnancy because I had hoped that, because of the pregnancy, my cycles might regulate. They did - for about 2-3 cycles, then it was downhill again from there.

In my first real (and charted) cycle after Chris was born, I had a clean ovulation...and at 15 DPO, realized that AF was not here (nor were the AF symtomps). It was a Sunday - the day of the baptism of a friends' son.

So, I decided I better test...and lo and behold, it was a BFP! I was shocked - scared - excited!

I didn't say anything to Hubby at the time because we were leaving to head to Toms River for the baptism. But, I brought the + HPT with me in a baggie to show him later.

But, during the baptism and the party afterwards, I started cramping - badly. Then, about a 1/2 hour before we left the party, AF showed - and with a vengance.

I was disappointed, for sure. But okay with it - I figured that the test was probably just defective, or I read it wrong. So, when I got home, I threw the test away in the trash... That was it. It was over.

...Now, 2 years later, I know this was my first miscarriage. Am I sad about the loss? Absolutely. Am I devastated about the loss? Unfortunately, no...and maybe that is because I didn't realize at the time it was in fact a miscarriage. Do I feel guilty for that? Definitely.

I chose to take 6/27 and 10/30 off for my EDD's not to be...to try to remember them on the days that they should have been born. Funny how I ended up off today anyway, since my thyroid scan and uptake test had to be rescheduled from last week because of Dr. McC's office staff error. I am glad...I can give this angel his/her own special time.