Thursday, April 06, 2006

Has anyone seen my Faith?

A long time ago, when I was 16 years old, I made a very important decision - one that was not to be taken lightly, one that would potentially change my whole being.... I decided that, since I was never Baptized into any faith, that I would go through the RCIA and become Catholic. This decision was made after several years of attending Catholic schools (I am a reformed Public - heehee!) and always being asked why I wasn't going to Communion. It was a long process, but one that was a good choice for me. At the Easter Vigil in 1989, I joined several people and was Baptized, along with making my First Communion and Confirmation. It was a decision that brought so much peace and resolve, at least at the time.

During college, I became a Eucharistic Minister and sang in the choir... My faith was tested a few times during college, but it shown through with flying colors...

Then came my struggle to get PG, starting in 2002... I knew I was going to have problems conceiving - my cycle history proved that long ago. But, 18 months to finally conceive brought up some very strange, foreign questions for my faith. It took a long time to resolve them, but all of the answers to those questions came once I saw my beautiful, perfect son for the first time. The wait and frustration were all worth it, and the pain of that time deminished very quickly.

However, the tests I faced then are nothing like I face now. Losing three babies, one that I wasn't even aware was a real loss until now, is something I never thought I would have to face. And, those three lost babies have left a very empty place in my heart. Not to mention, the anger I feel that some select others around me just get PG with no problem and it is not appreciated in any way.

Why do I have to face this? Why me? Have I done something so horribly wrong in my life, that this is my punishment? Or, am I being tested to make sure this is what I really want for us?

In my entry from Tuesday, I had asked "How does one learn patience when you are used to control?" A special person on one of the BG's I am on sent me a message with some extraordinary wisdom... A: If you read this entry, please know I am very grateful for this. This hits the heart of all my questions, my struggle:

"God is God"
Steven Curtis Chapman

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through
Him and from Him are all things

So let us worship before the throne
Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

God is God and I am not
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

In my head, I know there is a plan for me...for us, as a family. I know Chris was a plan...and it took several years to finally understand and accept the answer. What the answers to the current questions will be, I don't know and, yes, I have to have the patience to find that out.

But, in my heart, accepting that God is God, and that I can only see a part of the picture He is painting for me is so very hard to do right now. The roots of all I believed in when starting out as a Catholic so many years ago have been shaken loose and I am not sure where to begin that journey back...

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I will continue to pray for you. I know sometimes things happen that are hard for us to swallow, and sometimes the picture doesn't seem clear of the plan and purpose in our lives and often there are things that happen that we never do find out the answer to the question 'Why?'.
All I know is that I wouldn't make it through the day without faith and having it- life is just a little better than not having it. I am often uplifted by music/songs as I see you often put lyrics up.
Jeremy Camp is one of my favorites.
Also Andy has been watching Joel Osteen on tv and he often has uplifting messages and encouraging words that have been like a breath of fresh air.
Still, it's not always easy to smile or just to stop yourself from getting angry with the questions you are left with.