The start of my "Homework Assignment"

I decided that, since part of the reason I have not been able to start dealing with my losses has partly been because work has consumed my life... I am taking a bit of a break today! My Director is in China on a delegation with the NSF, my Center Administrator took the day off, and my Associate Director is out looking at apartments. So, I too, am taking a break. I have nothing pressing - nothing breathing down my neck.

I decided I would start my "Homework Assignment" that Dr. P has set before me - Read through my blog to see what the key things are that I am having a hard time dealing with since my miscarriages... Here goes my list - which, of course, may expand before my next appointment on 6/7:

1. This is the BIGGIE of the list: My loss of control over everything to do with my body. I LIKE being in control. I like being able to know what is going to happen. And with this, I can't and I don't know how to allow myself to give that hold up. How do I just allow myself to just leave TTC up to God, the one I chose to put my faith in so many years ago?
2. What if we find it is not medically wise to TTC again? Either for a potential child, me, or both? Can I give up the dream if having a family of four and how do I do it?
3. How do I deal with the fact that I will never be able to hold my babies, brush their hair, comfort them when they cry? How do I deal with never being able to watch them grow?
4. Gender has not mattered for me for many years since all I wanted was a healthy child. But now that I know I would have had a baby girl this last time around, how do I give that dream of pink bows and hiar ribbons up?
5. How do I forgive myself for not hoping and praying for these pregnancies, when I knew the worst was going to happen? Did I let my angels fly away too soon? Did I not fight enough to allow God to keep them here on Earth? Did I not show them the same love that I showed Chris when I was pregnant with him? Did I not give them enough time and attention?
6. What impact is my reactions to my losses having on Chris? On my marriage? On me? How do I make up for that lost time? Can I even do that?

I must say, reading back to the start of this blog in March, I do feel I have come a little way. I don't feel as angry anymore...just sadness. I don't feel like I am going to lose it every waking second. That I am going to bite someone's head off if they say the wrong thing to me. So, maybe I have dealt with this a little more than I realized.

I have WAY more to go to heal - I know that. But, at least I can look back at what I have written and know I am not the basket-case I once was.