Thursday, May 25, 2006

A positive look to the future...Finally.

I am in such a fantastic mood today, despite the headache that is trying to butt in. Finally...I feel like I can start to have a positive look to my future, which is something I haven't had in such a long time. I never realized how much I missed that outlook - I never was one to see the glass half-empty, and a glimpse of the half-full glass is starting to reappear in the distance.

My counseling session yesterday, albeit not indepth yet, went very well. I have the next two sessions lined up: 6/7 and 6/14, well after when I should get my recurrent loss testing results back, which is great because then we can really address the "full picture" for the first time.

Dr. P is not the "gumba" I was expecting to meet from how his voice sounded over the phone - he actually reminds me of one of my fav psych professors in college. Very easy going, very insightful. Talking to him - and already crying within the first twenty minutes - felt comfortable, natural to do.

The part I wasn't expecting to know was that Dr. P's wife had two miscarriages of her own, and their third attempt at a child resulted in a one pound, extremely premature daughter with CP. So, although he doesn't quite understand how I feel personally (yet), he has the insight to the other side that I don't always get.

On a side note: He asked how old I was and I said 33. He said, he just had to comment that I did not look 33 at all. Yeah!! He is glad to hear I have been working to improve me both emotionally and will help a great deal through the healing process.

I do have a little "homework" assignment to do between now and 6/7 - I am hoping the ladies who read my blog will help me a bit with this one. He wants me to keep a spiral journal to write down the things that have been the hardest to deal with through all of the past six or months - since I am blogging now, which he is very happy to hear I am doing, he suggested that I re-read my blog and draw from that the most important things that I can see I am struggling with. The numero uno issue I KNOW is the lack of control I feel - that tops the list... But, if anyone else can see some things I might not see, I would appreciate the input. :)

Now...another song that has struck a good cord for me on the way home from my session yesterday - way more positive than most of the songs I have posted over the past three months. Again, this is a Queensryche song (there is at least ONE Queensryche loaded in my CD changer at all times!) and it really describes how I feel today... "Me" is just within reach to me now, and I know I will get there if I allow myself some time...

By Queensryche

I know where I'm going,
and I've got all my cards showing.
I'm like the crow flies, a straight line
reaching for the other side

I dig the sand they kick at me with a calm that stuns.
Tracing time with no alibis makes me, makes me realize.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach

Armed with time on my side
and a field of vision miles wide.
I'll keep searching for some meaning
whatever makes me feel alive.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach

Today I felt something so strong it took my breath away.
Now I long
to live like this everyday.
I'll find it some way.

I'm alive with so much of life to try.
I've got no memories of what used to worry me.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach
Someday I'll reach.
It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
Something just out of reach
just out of reach, just out of reach.


dawn said...

So glad that things went so well with Dr. P. I know how difficult it is to go for the first time and I am so proud of you for going and taking the risk.

Jessica said...

That is so good that you are feeling positive. And YAY on the Dr. saying you didn't look 33! What a nice feeling!
I think it is very good that the Dr. can somewhat relate.
I will attempt to help you with your project. I'll let you know what I come up with.


Joy said...

Tina, So glad your appt went well. I'll try to read back through your posts and see if I can offer any thoughts...

Enjoy your weekend!! Extra time with Chris.