Getting past the EDD's

The EDD (estimated due date) of my first documented m/c passed unnoticed last year on 5/28/05...as did what could have been a First Birthday this past Sunday. Obviously, I didn't know that 5/28/05 was even an EDD last year...and the anniversary of that EDD went unnoticed this year because, well, I don't feel connected to that loss because I just didn't know. I suppose that is okay - not to really feel anything about it, since I didn't know. But, at the same time, I feel bad that I don't feel bad. Weird, no?

What I am dredding are my other EDDs - 6/27/06 and 10/30/06. I obviously felt a connection to those PG's - and those days are going to be rough. I can't believe the 6/27 EDD is just around the corner - and I should have been doing so many other things right now, least of which is looking Size 12 clothing from loosing some of the excess weight! But, I have to believe there is a reason for this - a reason I may or may not get to know in this "world." I am happy to say that I am getting a little more comfortable with the idea of not having those answers in this lifetime...I have to, otherwise I will drown in questions with no answers.

I have 6/27 off...although I have to take a conference call in the evening - oh, joy! Hope I don't have a headache. But, the day will be spent with the hubby. We will be planting flowers on that day, bleeding hearts specifically, at his great-grandparents' gravesite. We want these flowers planted somewhere where they will stay for the long-haul and, for DH, a special place since he feels such a strong connection to his great-grandparents. I am sure that once I get through that day, the next EDD won't be as bad...at least I hope so.

On a good note, I had such a nice weekend...BBQ's and great time with Chris. He so enjoyed his little pool, his toys, and the resulting mud! Yipes! I forgot how dirty kids could get!

The start of my "Homework Assignment"

I decided that, since part of the reason I have not been able to start dealing with my losses has partly been because work has consumed my life... I am taking a bit of a break today! My Director is in China on a delegation with the NSF, my Center Administrator took the day off, and my Associate Director is out looking at apartments. So, I too, am taking a break. I have nothing pressing - nothing breathing down my neck.

I decided I would start my "Homework Assignment" that Dr. P has set before me - Read through my blog to see what the key things are that I am having a hard time dealing with since my miscarriages... Here goes my list - which, of course, may expand before my next appointment on 6/7:

1. This is the BIGGIE of the list: My loss of control over everything to do with my body. I LIKE being in control. I like being able to know what is going to happen. And with this, I can't and I don't know how to allow myself to give that hold up. How do I just allow myself to just leave TTC up to God, the one I chose to put my faith in so many years ago?
2. What if we find it is not medically wise to TTC again? Either for a potential child, me, or both? Can I give up the dream if having a family of four and how do I do it?
3. How do I deal with the fact that I will never be able to hold my babies, brush their hair, comfort them when they cry? How do I deal with never being able to watch them grow?
4. Gender has not mattered for me for many years since all I wanted was a healthy child. But now that I know I would have had a baby girl this last time around, how do I give that dream of pink bows and hiar ribbons up?
5. How do I forgive myself for not hoping and praying for these pregnancies, when I knew the worst was going to happen? Did I let my angels fly away too soon? Did I not fight enough to allow God to keep them here on Earth? Did I not show them the same love that I showed Chris when I was pregnant with him? Did I not give them enough time and attention?
6. What impact is my reactions to my losses having on Chris? On my marriage? On me? How do I make up for that lost time? Can I even do that?

I must say, reading back to the start of this blog in March, I do feel I have come a little way. I don't feel as angry anymore...just sadness. I don't feel like I am going to lose it every waking second. That I am going to bite someone's head off if they say the wrong thing to me. So, maybe I have dealt with this a little more than I realized.

I have WAY more to go to heal - I know that. But, at least I can look back at what I have written and know I am not the basket-case I once was.

A positive look to the future...Finally.

I am in such a fantastic mood today, despite the headache that is trying to butt in. Finally...I feel like I can start to have a positive look to my future, which is something I haven't had in such a long time. I never realized how much I missed that outlook - I never was one to see the glass half-empty, and a glimpse of the half-full glass is starting to reappear in the distance.

My counseling session yesterday, albeit not indepth yet, went very well. I have the next two sessions lined up: 6/7 and 6/14, well after when I should get my recurrent loss testing results back, which is great because then we can really address the "full picture" for the first time.

Dr. P is not the "gumba" I was expecting to meet from how his voice sounded over the phone - he actually reminds me of one of my fav psych professors in college. Very easy going, very insightful. Talking to him - and already crying within the first twenty minutes - felt comfortable, natural to do.

The part I wasn't expecting to know was that Dr. P's wife had two miscarriages of her own, and their third attempt at a child resulted in a one pound, extremely premature daughter with CP. So, although he doesn't quite understand how I feel personally (yet), he has the insight to the other side that I don't always get.

On a side note: He asked how old I was and I said 33. He said, he just had to comment that I did not look 33 at all. Yeah!! He is glad to hear I have been working to improve me both emotionally and physically...it will help a great deal through the healing process.

I do have a little "homework" assignment to do between now and 6/7 - I am hoping the ladies who read my blog will help me a bit with this one. He wants me to keep a spiral journal to write down the things that have been the hardest to deal with through all of the past six or months - since I am blogging now, which he is very happy to hear I am doing, he suggested that I re-read my blog and draw from that the most important things that I can see I am struggling with. The numero uno issue I KNOW is the lack of control I feel - that tops the list... But, if anyone else can see some things I might not see, I would appreciate the input. :)

Now...another song that has struck a good cord for me on the way home from my session yesterday - way more positive than most of the songs I have posted over the past three months. Again, this is a Queensryche song (there is at least ONE Queensryche loaded in my CD changer at all times!) and it really describes how I feel today... "Me" is just within reach to me now, and I know I will get there if I allow myself some time...

Reach
By Queensryche

I know where I'm going,
and I've got all my cards showing.
I'm like the crow flies, a straight line
reaching for the other side

I dig the sand they kick at me with a calm that stuns.
Tracing time with no alibis makes me, makes me realize.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach

Armed with time on my side
and a field of vision miles wide.
I'll keep searching for some meaning
whatever makes me feel alive.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach

Today I felt something so strong it took my breath away.
Now I long
to live like this everyday.
I'll find it some way.

I'm alive with so much of life to try.
I've got no memories of what used to worry me.

It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
something, just out of reach
Someday I'll reach.
It's ok it's just a dream I had.
That there's something out there,
Something just out of reach
just out of reach, just out of reach.

At the crossroads of healing "me"

For the people in my life who really know me, they know I am a MAJOR Queensryche fan (verging on groupie if I were not married or had a child). I have met the band at post-show meets-and-greets about three times now, and have signatures and pictures with the band. Yeah, it's a huge throw-back to the '80's rock scene (and, no, I could never get my hair THAT high!), but their music (and, let's face it, the hottie-pants that is Geoff Tate) draws me to them every time.

What impresses me the most about this band is two-fold:

1. Their music changes with the times, hence their staying-power, yet they alway have their signature sound. You KNOW it's a Queensryche song, no matter what. I like that - they don't blend in with the current sound.
2. When you go back and listen to their songs after a hiatus (especially their more recent music, from Empire forward), you garner new meaning in the songs that weren't there before. The lyrics are constant, but the message grows as you do. Really makes you think.

So, now that I am at my own crossroads of healing "me" (my first counseling session is tonight), here are two songs that I once thought I understood, but that message has changed to mean so much more.


One More Time
By Queensryche

Behind my eyes
I keep my truth from you.
No one entersthis secret place,
the barrier only I embrace.
Time is fleeing now
they say,
Take time to look inside
and face... the change.

Dig down deep
to find the man I thought I was.
A dog on a treadmill panting,
the master pulls the leash, laughing.
Now I can't remember why
I needed to run, needed to try so hard.

One more time around
is all I ask for now,
a star to seek by, wind to
take me home again.

"Work hard in life boy,
there's paradise in the end."
Year after year we struggle to gain
the happiness our parents never claimed.
They told us all we had to do
was do what we're told, buy what was sold,
"Invest in gold, and never get old."

One more time around
is all I ask for now,
a star to steer by, wind to
take me home again.


Someone Else?
By Queensryche

When I fell from grace
I never realized
how deep the flood was around me.
A man whose life was toil
was like a kettle left to boil,
and the water left scars on me.

I know now who I am.
If only for a while,
I recognize the changes.
I feel like I did before the
magic wore thin and the "baptism
of stains" began.

They used to say I was
nowhere, man,
heading down
was my destiny.
But yesterday, I swear,
that was someone else not me.

Here I stand at the crossroads edge,
afraid to reach out for eternity,
One step, when I look down,
I see someone else not me.

Looking back and I see
someone else.

All my life they said I
was going down,
but I'm still standing,
stronger, proud.
And today I know there's
so much more I can be.

From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there's a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me.

I keep looking back
at someone else... me?

A call for Birth Control Pills

....That's right, BCPs....

In attempt to slap my body into what it was designed to do, I had suggested to Dr. D. back at my d&c follow-up that maybe I should go on BCPs for a while to get a few good cycles in before we revisit TTC again. He agreed - and said he was going to actually suggest it, but for no longer than 4-5 months so we can see how I respond.

So, AF showed last night... a la the post Stomach Virus, Part Deux! Should have known that's why I felt soooo crappy, since this is exactly what happened in January (before the stomach virus that wouldn't leave, which hit in late January/early February) - I had to take Provera to bring that cycle on because I had gone almost 2 months without a visit. I just hope this is not going to be "the norm" around her visits now - that would just outright SUCK! I can't imagine missing 2-3 days out of my life just for AF to rear her ugly head.

But, I am glad she is here for a change - and that I didn't need it do arrive via drugs. Means that my body kinda remembers it's supposed to invite her in from time to time. Then again, it is just Russian Roulette for me!

Anyways, here will be my posted blinky for a while as I begin to heal from the past 6+ months...



Hope my body gets this hint.

Caring from some obscure places

I got the attached e-mail this morning from a really sweet girl named Kerry-Ann.

To back-up a bit, every summer I hire a student program assistant and a computer lab monitor for the summer programs I run. Kerry-Ann was my student program assistant for Summer 2005. She was one of the most attentive student workers I have had in the 8 years I have been running these programs (actually, I think I only had problems with one students in all of those years...but I digress) and she contacts me every once in a while to say hi, at my request since I like to keep up with the students who worked for me. She amazed me from the start - a young college girl from Africa, who was here at RU on a track scholarship. She ran track, kept her grades up to an 3.7+ average, and worked the entire time she was in college. I have no idea how she did it - she was pleasant every day, and had enough energy to equal 2 three-year-olds!

She left me a phone message on Mother's Day at my office to say Happy Mother's Day - which was so sweet, considering some people forgot about me on that day (see post on What happened to Mother's Day?). So, I sent her an e-mail to thank her for remembering - How could I not, since she took the time to find my phone number and leave a message. Here was her response to my thank you:

Hello Christine,

Things are going fine. I can't forget how your face gets lightened up when you spoke about your son. You carry the mark of a very very happy and proud mother, so on mothers day I had to remember you. I hope your baby is doing great. I hope this are going good for you at the office. Say hi to my former co-workers for me please. I will stay intouch. HAVE A GOOD DAY

Kerry-Ann

Today is the 6 month anniversary of my first known miscarriage (or, technically, my second miscarriage, since I didn't know about my first "official" miscarriage until my follow-up appointment with my third - what a mouthful!) and one day past my 2 month anniversary of my second known miscarriage. Receiving this message this morning has meant more to me than this young girl will ever know. She really touched my heart with this simple message - and I hope that, through all that has happened, that I still light up when I talk about my Chris. He is the most important thing in the world to me and I would never want him to be lost in the shuffle of all of the pain.

Stomach Virus, Part Deux!

So, I came down with another stomach virus Friday night... Okay, not really sure IF it was really a stomach virus (since no one else is sick - and the past two times I had one, Chris had it first), or just my nerves catching up with me. But, I felt miserable all weekend, starting Friday night.

Luckily for me, my GP's covering doc prescribed Reglan again for me, which I took in February to finally get over the virus I got from Chris. It worked like a charm! Feel much better today...just tired.

But, while I was feeling crappy, I had time to talk to Hubby about some things (see previous post about Reconnecting)...and it really helped. I seem to be in a better mood, and we are really talking again. The talk has really prepped me for meeting Dr. Pedoto on Wednesday...

I never imagined I would look FORWARD to counseling! Haha! But, I really am. I am tired of feeling tired, tired of feeling angry, tired of being jealous, tired of pitying myself for what I don't or possibly can't have. I know HE won't be able to give me the answers I am looking for (I was a psych major, after all, in college!), but I know he will help me to find the answers within myself to move on past this and learn from it. Maybe even gain some peace and serenity...

Until then...I am heading out for my 2 mile walk!

Reconnecting

Sitting here at work, I just heard the song that Hubby and I danced to at our wedding in October 1998 ...and danced to the night we met is September 1987. This is a song NEVER played on the radio - one of those '80's "power ballads" that are considered so cheey now - that I am shocked it was on the radio today...

...and I should have been out of my 2 mile walk right now - preempted by a huge thunderstorm. Coindicence, maybe, to keep me here to hear it played? God only knows that.

But, thinking about this song has made me realize how hard I have been on him over the past few months - not by choice really, but out of necessity to keep myself in some sort of stabilty. The only thing I can really control right now is how Chris is raised and how things are kept at the house. I have no control over what is happening with my body, and I have no control of how wild my workload has gotten at work. And, I certainly would never want to take my frustrations out on Chris - and I can't take them out on the people I work with since I need the job for the faboo health insurance -, so I guess the only logical (and unconscious) target would be Hubby and the mess he leaves behind.

Guess I have been a real ass the past few months and never wanted to fess up to it.

Now, that doesn't mean he is off the hook 100% - he really does need to meet me halfway with helping me out - but at least I can agree to back-off a little bit.

Until we can talk - hopefully tonight, if I don't fall asleep on him first (which has been quite the challenge the last few weeks between the Lorazepam, work and the allergies) - here is the song that has reminded me of why I married him in the first place and why I can't give up on us, and won't.


The Search Is Over
By Survivor

How can I convince you
what you see is real
Who am I to blame you
for doubting what you feel
I was always reachin',
you were just a girl I knew
I took for granted the friend I have in you

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while

Can we last forever,
will we fall apart
At times it's so confusing,
the questions of the heart
You followed me through changes,
and patiently you'd wait
Till I came to my senses,
through some miracle of fate

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
Now I look into your eyes,
I can see forever
The search is over,
you were with me all the while

Now the miles stretch out behind me,
loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck,
it finally stuck like lightning from the blue
Every highway's leading me back to you
Now at last I hold you,
now all is said and done
The search has come full circle,
our destinies are one
So if you ever loved me,
show me that you give a damn
You'll know for certain the man I really am

I was living for a dream,
loving for a moment
Taking on the world,
that was just my style
When I touched your hand,
I could hear you whisper
The search is over,
love was right before my eyes

Some songs for the moment...

Here are some songs for the moment...although I have not heard them yet, the lyrics are very powerful and can't be ignored...

Glory Baby

By Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby...

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby...

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s aday when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Fix You

by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love some one but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Well high up above or down below

When you were too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

What happened to Mother's Day?

Been a little while since posting - between work and prepping for Chris' party, there has been no time to come on and post my musings, nor go on my 'hang-outs'.

Chris' party went well, despite my hubby's lazy-ass in getting things up! I think we finally finished about 5 minutes before people started arriving. Thanks, hubby, for dropping the ball on that! Chris had fun - really enjoyed the back yard and his toys! What a little boy he is becoming! He had so much fun playing with his little friends. Will post pics when my MIL releases them from captivity (she had a colonoscopy yesterday at a Mother's Day present, so I will give her a reprieve for a few days)...

Now, on to Mother's Day... Guess how I spent it? Doing laundry, picking up hubby's crap, getting things ready for the next day. No "rest" for me - and nothing special either, except for the nice Serenity figurine in the Willow Lake series my mom gave me the day before. My IL's never even gave me a card...and hubby gave me a card Monday morning. So glad everyone forgot I am a mommy too. To say I am a little disappointed is an understatement...what is that supposed to mean? Am I a bad mommy or something?

And, on top of that, I laid into hubby yesterday morning... Our agreement when I returned to work in July 2004 was that he would help me out with the cleaning and such around the house. At this point, I think we have a 5% / 95% split on the duties (you guessed right right again - I am the 95%!) and I am tired of it. He spends so much time with his hobbies and crap, which is fine by me AS LONG AS he gives me the equal time, which he is not. I'm pissed off now...and he's just not getting it. He thinks that cleaning up a bit yesterday will mull things over - but it's not this time around.

This is going to be a war now. I watched my mom get stepped on for too many years by my dad in this area to take this lying down anymore - and I work full-time, where my mom didn't. He called me this morning to tell me he got a call for an "audition" for some karate-something-or-other....I told him "whoop-de-do!" Right now, I don't give a crap - not when I am carrying the bulk of everything, and still dealing with the losses and potential health problems the recurrent loss testing could show. I am not impressed right now...and he's going to get that point tonight when I get home.

I never thought I would be even posting all of this - but, why should I do everything, then get complaints from him when I brush him off at night for some "fun" because I am just too tired to stand? Why can't he figure it out without me having to spell it out for him? Then again...this was how he was raised too, so I guess I can see where it comes from. It's going to stop here though - and he better be ready for it.

Twenty viles of blood on the wall...

We had the recurrent loss panel drawn yesterday morning - Finally!

Hubby had one vile drawn for the chromosome panel...what a guy!

Then, the tech started grabbing vile after vile for me.... Twenty in all, five different types of viles for the different tests being run. Now, I was expecting about twelve or so viles, but twenty! Might as well have given blood for the Red Cross! :) Hubby and I had a good laugh as the tech piled more and more viles on the counter... Luckily, this tech is really good - no bruising to show for the blood-letting! ;)

So, now the wait begins for the results... two or more weeks to go before it all comes back. And, probably an even longer wait for Dr. D to review the results and call us in to go over them.

Meanwhile...I feel like AF might be coming for a visit, all on her very own. Then again, she has faked me out in years past, so I could be deluding myself that she will be stopping in. If she does, I am going to call Dr. D's office to see if he will do the CD3 testing - I haven't had that done in a while, and I would love to know what my horror-mones are doing on their own...

Longing....and dread

We went out for dinner on Friday night - for my friend's birthday, which is today. She wanted to go out for Mexican (not realizing, of course, that it was Cinco-de-Mayo!). Turned out to be a great place...after the 45 minute wait to get seated.

A few other couples were supposed to go with us...one dropped out because the hubby forgot to mention the dinner during the week and the wife made other plans. The other couple brought their daughter because the hubby also mentioned it last minute and they couldn't get a babysitter.

G is a beautiful little girl - very well behaved, bright, funny. And, the entire dinner, all I could think about was how much I would have liked to be picking out pink right now for the baby I just lost. I have to admit how cheated I feel right now...and how sad I am. I wanted a girl in the mix... I never thought I would feel this way...

...And, now that everything is place for the big b/w to come on Tuesday, I am beginning to dread going. What if something is found? What if nothing is found? How is that going to impact what we decide to do in trying to conceive again? How am I going to handle the news either way?

I am waiting for the day that I am past the worry...

My ducks, Take Two

Things are now finally resolving themselves - Yeah!

Yesterday, I received a phone call from the therapy center I left a message with for the first therapist I had called - turns out that the therapist I had the referral for had passed away over a year ago! I felt really bad because the person who called me was mentored by this person, and he was surprised that I was calling so long after he passing. Can't believe the insurance companies haven't received word of it. But, the man who called was really nice about it and wanted to make sure that I had found someone to go to - if I had not, he said they would be more than willing to take over, if my insurance matched what they carried.

Then, I got a call from Lee at Dr. D's office last night around 6:30 pm - after reviewing everything again, Dr. D is requesting that we come in as soon as possible to have the testing done: a chomosome panel on both Hubby and I, and a full blood clotting/autoimmune panel on me. With work this week, there is no way to go in this week, but looks like we are aiming for Tuesday morning. I am so releived he is still following-up with this...no matter the outcome, at least I will have some of the answers I need.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Christopher!!!

Today is Chris' birthday...this time 2 years ago, I was dozing off with my epi and pitocin drip... Can't believe how much he has grown in two years... My baby is a little boy now. I am so happy, yet so sad about it. I wish I could bottle him up like he is now - he's just perfect!

Getting all of my ducks in a row

Amazing what a difference a day makes...

Yesterday, I left work very frustrated over several things: Hadn't heard back from Dr. D about what we were doing with Recurrent Loss Testing after the pathology report came back normal from the d&c; hadn't heard back from the two counselors I called that I was referred to by my GP; had to deal with a bunch of problems my Center Admin left when she went on vacation this week, leaving my work-load set aside again...

But, things started changing last night on my way home from work... Dr. Pedoto (calling him Dr. Gumba, since he sounds like a typical Italian guy from Essex/Bergen Counties here in NJ) called me on my cell phone on the way home from work. Since I was driving on the GSP, I figured it wasn't wise to pick up the call then - so I called right when I got home. Spoke to him for a while about what was going on and what I was looking for - and, although he does not specialize in IF/loss, he does deal a lot with loss/grief counseling and feels that he can do right by me. So, I decided to give him a shot. Appointment's set for May 18th at 6 pm, at which time if I like him, we will set up a regular meeting time. So, I will be hopefully de-boarding this emotional rollercoaster very soon!

Had a GREAT night's sleep last night! Since I had more time in the morning to sleep (had to go to my eye doc this morning for a check-up), I was able to sleep in a bit. Sleep always helps...as does the med that it's taking to get me that sleep!

This morning's eye doc appointment went very well - he is switching my contacts because the brand I have been using for the past few years are no longer working for me. My eyes are always dry. So, we are testing a new type for the next week or so. The new pair, so far, is WAY more comfy than the older one's!

Lee at Dr. D's office called today (without me badgering her) to say that Dr. D needed to review my file and see what he wants to do with testing... Since it's been a month since we spoke now and it's taken this long for the betas to go down (Lee doesn't seem to think I need to go in for another one now - it should be zero now from the last beta of 12 on April 13th), he can't remember off the top of his head what we had planned to do. So, she said she will call me (or the doc will himself) as soon as he reviews the file (either today or tomorrow).

Here at work, I have managed to create a new "to-do" list - which is WAAAAY long! But, I have in front of me what exactly I need to do, in between trying to help the new workshop coordinator out with training... I am dreading that list, but with my Director being out a lot over the next few weeks, I should be able to get some things done now!

Yippee! We got our $6041 settlement from the lady behind us yesterday! In August 2003, she felt she had the right to cut down all of our trees in our backyard...Uh, not quite! So, finally, her insurance agreed to pay-out on our estimate from several landscapers and not go to court. Yeah! We can finally fix up the backyard a bit!

...And, I keep feeling like I am getting period-like cramps... Sure hoping that it is just that and my next cycle will be starting on it's own. It would be so nice to get a new cycle without having to take Provera again!

Things are starting to look a bit "up" right now... Here's hoping it stays that way! I think we're due for some good things to come our way...