100 Things about Me

In the time-honored blogging tradition... Here is my 100 Things about Me...

1. I gave birth to my son in the same hospital I was born in...and will be going to for MFM care, if I am so lucky: St. Barnabas Medical Center (guess what comes around goes around)
   
2. I have lived in NJ all of my life...with a few brief "residences" in PA for college for 4 years
3. I have lived in 8 different houses since birth (counting 3 different dorms/houses in college)
4. When I was a little girl, I was "in love" with John Denver
5. I used to drag around my bean-bag baby as a little girl (and still have her now)
   
6. My mother used to rip half my hair out putting pigtails in when I was a little girl
7. My shared bedroom with my older sister looked like Pepto Bismol puked in it - there was SO MUCH PINK in it!
   
8. I had to take speech therapy in early grammar school
9. I tried to trap and kiss a boy on the fire escape in grammar school (Ricky)
10. I tried to play flute when I was in 4th grade - and hated it
    
11. I am a "reformed public" (meaning I went to public school until 5th grade, then changed over to Catholic school when we moved one town over)
12. I never knew how to diagram a sentance (for all you grammar buffs) until I switched to Catholic school
13. I "beat up" a girl who was picking on me in grammar school
14. I was honored to crown the stature of Mary at the May Crowning in grammar school
    
15. I chose to go to an all-girls Catholic high school to get away from the crazy boys I went to Catholic grammar school with
    
16. I used to take the "Cheese Bus" to high school
    
17. I was in all of the plays in high school and in drama club, even though I hated being in the spotlight
    
18. I was on Chemistry League in high school
19. I was a wiz at Algebra and Trig, but sucked at Geometry
20. I used to read Cliff Notes to get around reading the "required" books in school
    
21. I took Spanish in high school - but only got a C because the Spanish teacher didn't like to pass non-Spanish students
22. I missed making National Honor Society by less than .3 points
23. I could never get my hair high in high school...best I could do was spiral perm
24. I failed the behind the wheel driving test when I turned 17 years old...and didn't bother to get my license until I turned 22 years old
    
25. I tried smoking 2 cigarettes in college....until the sore throat after stopped that!
26. I didn't drink my first drop of alcohol until the very end of my Freshman year of college... I had more fun watching those who were drunk anyway
27. I got "written up" in college by my RA for being in a room with alcohol - and I wasn't even drinking...
28. ...and the resulting education class gave us tips on how to handle hang-overs, positioning for bed spins...
29. My friends in college hired a stripper for my 20th birthday and had him dance in the dorm lounge
    
30. I feel and sprained my ankle for my 22nd birthday in college (gotta love the Zima!)
    
31. I never have used my college degree (psychology) in my professional life
32. I take "me" time at work to blog and check my BG's
33. I never send out e-mails or letters at work without double/triple checking my messages
34. I don't always get to take my lunch at work....usually some emergency comes up.
    
35. I want to go back to school for an advanced degree...just don't know for what yet
    
36. I was not baptized as a child - I went through the RCIA at 16 years old to become Catholic
37. I used to attend Ukrainian masses with my paternal grandmother as a child
    
38. I was a Eucharistic Minister in college (went to a Jesuit University)
39. I was in the choir in college too
40. I used to do retreat weekends for the youth after college
    
41. I lost my faith when I experienced my second miscarriage in November 2005
    
42. ...and it has taken me a long time to regain my faith in God
43. I want to visit each country I have a nationality from : England, Ireland, France, Germany, Poland and Ukraine
    
44. My maternal grandparents, as I knew them, were not my real grandparents - my mom was adopted by her aunt and uncle when her mother passed away when she was 3 years old
45. My mother was forced to have an abortion by my paternal grandmother when I was 10 years old - it wasn't the "right time"
46. I used to spend my summers at the Jersey Shore with my paternal grandparents
    
47. I miss some of the friends I had to part ways with to better my spirit and person
48. My first "boyfriend" was a friend of my brother's named Ray
    
49. My life changed the day I met my Hubby at my first high school dance: 9/18/87
50. Hubby was my "one and only"
    
51. My hubby and I allowed each other to date other people while I was away in college to make sure we were "right" for each other
52. My engagement ring was not purchased - it was my MIL's setting and Hubby's greatgrandmother's diamond. It will someday be passed on to Chris for his intended (then I get a new ring!)
53. Hubby had a one-of-a-kind sapphire ring made for me because he "felt bad" he was not able to purchse an engagement ring for me in 1997
    
54. My Hubby and I are both Aquarians - born 2 days shy of 1 year appart - makes for a rather happy marriage
55. I HATE when Hubby leaves his dirtly clothes on the floor!
56. I want to re-marry Hubby at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Vegas
    
57. I live in the house where Hubby's grandparents and great-grandparents lived for 30 years
58. I am "neighbors" with my IL's and Hubby's aunt and uncle
    
59. I LOVE the colors Burgandy and Forest Green
60. Most of my shirts are Black or some other dark color
    
61. I only buy one "trendy" fashion item in a year
62. I have always wondered how I would look as a red-head
    
63. I love progressive rock and hair metal
64. My favorite band is Queensryche (a prog rock band)
65. I am a "closet" Stryper fan (Christian Metal from the 80's)
    
66. I love anything Phantom of the Opera
67. I HATE the movie "It's a Wonderful Life"
68. My favorite Christmas movie is "White Christmas" with Bing Crosby, Danny Kay and Rosemary Clooney
69. Hubby loves my special rendition of the song "White Christmas" (okay, maybe not...it is rather rough on the ears)
    
70. I love to write, when I get the time
71. I love the ocean...and would love to live by the ocean someday
72. I own well over 100 Beanie puppies
73. I want a Pug as a doggie when Chris (and other kid(s) are old enough)
    
74. I have always wanted to get a tattoo...
75. ...for now, I will take my "rebellious" three piercings in each ear
76. I want to get breast reduction surgery when I am done having kids
77. ...for now, I own $600 worth of BarSmythe bras!
    
78. My favorite time of year is the Fall
79. I love driving around to look at all of the holiday lights on the houses
    
80. I LOVE Christmas morning
    
81. My lifelong wish is to be a stay at home mom
82. I am considering home-schooling Chris
83. I am the only one in my family to suffer from Infertility...
84. ...and I am the only one in my family to have a miscarriage (or miscarriages)
85. Hubby and I thought we had an "oops!" when a condom slipped off before we got married...who knew the worry was for nothing since I can't get PG on my own anyway!
    
86. I miss being niave about pregnancy and getting pregnant...
87. ...and I will do anything to stay pregnant nex time around
    
88. I am scared to death to TTC again
89. I have lost 35 pounds since November 2005
    
90. I am the only one in my family showing early signs of Thyroid disorder
91. Chris is my miracle from God
92. I love to snuggle with Chris and Hubby on Saturday and Sunday mornings
93. I don't mind if Chris makes a mess in the house - they are only young once
    
94. I love to play on the jungle gyms with Chris at the park
    
95. I secretly wish for twins...which run in my family
    
96. I have been through counseling twice in my life: now and once in college
97. I started blogging in March 2006 - and have kept it up for my own personal sanity
    
98. I am happy to be "out" about my infertility and miscarriage problems - I don't care who knows anymore. It is part of my personality.
99. I want to use my experiences to educate others about miscarriage and infertility
100. I cherish my family more than can be put into words.
     

Beginning to despise the Halloween holiday

Halloween used to be a fun holiday... One that you didn't have to be "yourself" for the day, and you could pig out on all that scrumptious candy!

....Then October 2005 hit, and Halloween has changed for me.

Why are all of the "bad things" happening now revolving around Halloween? Why has this changed so suddenly?

My November 2005 miscarriage started out with a poor response to Clomid (surprise ovulation in between ultrasound monitoring for the IUI) and then bleeding on October 30th. October 30th started out as just an ordinary Sunday...Food shopping in the morning, weekly cleaning, playing with Chris, and last minute plans to get together with S&S for a late lunch. As I made one last quick trip to the potty (yes, we are potty training!), and all I see is red. Red blood. RED!

"Jesus Christ!" came out of my mouth as my hands started shaking. I called Hubby from the bathroom and asked him, while crying, to call Cookoo (Hubby's aunt is an RN)... I needed her to come over. I also asked him to call S&S and cancel...I didn't care what he said the reason was - all I could think of in that moment was the red bleeding I was seeing in front of me...

Cookoo came over quickly and we talked a bit... I made a few trips back and forth to the potty to check if there was any more bleeding. It got lighter, and browner, but it was still there. She suggested I lie down (and not finish changing the sheets on the bed, which was what I was doing before the bleeding started) and call my doc.

I called Dr. D and got his service - they put a call into the covering doc. Cookoo sat with me to wait for the doc to call me back while Hubby played with Chris downstairs. After about 25 minutes, the phone rang... I stared at the phone a second - I knew I needed to answer, but I didn't want to hear what this doc was going to say. I wanted to hear my pregnancy was going to be okay. But, I just knew it wasn't going to be okay.

He said to take it easy the rest of the day... No heavy lifting (including Chris), no cleaning, no cooking. But, how do you do that when your almost 18-month old son wants to play? Of course, he said, I could go to the ER - but, if I was going to miscarry, there would be nothing they could do, and I would sit for hours waiting to be seen. So, I scrapped that idea immediately. He said call my ob/gyn first thing in the morning and see what he thinks.

So, that night, I watched as Hubby played with Chris... Watched as Hubby gave Chris a bath... Sat and watched TV as Hubby put Chris to sleep. All I could think about was the baby I was carrying was not going to make it.

After Chris was asleep, I watched as Hubby sat at the dining room table putting the finishing touches on Chris' costume for the next day... He was going to be Ric Flair, the WWE wrestler. Hubby tried his best to get my mind off what was going to happen the next day...but it wasn't working.

Up to this point, I had no indication that this pregnancy was going to turn...or did I and I ignored it? I had no morning sickness...which ruled the first four to five months of pregnancy with Chris. Did I know before hand something was wrong and I tried to push away the intition I had all along?

The next day, Halloween proper, I called Dr. D's office and spoke with Lee, the nurse who answers the phone. I explained everything...and she said she would call me right back so she could explain it to Dr. D. About a half-hour later, she said she was calling in an emergency authorization for a full pelvic/trans-vaginal ultrasound at the Ambulatory Center - I needed to head over as soon as possible. She wasn't sure about if he wanted to see me yet, or he wanted to do bloodwork - he wanted the ultrasound done first.

So, after arranging my MIL to come over, we headed off for the ultrasound. The tech was horrible - she wouldn't say a thing, never even looked at us. She poked too hard, to the point I was sore and bleeding again. After the ultrasound was over, all she could say was she didn't see anything other than a sac... Well, duh! Lee already said not to worry yet if nothing more than a sac showed at that point - I was only 5+ weeks at the time.

On our way home, Lee called and told us to turn around... Dr. D wanted me to come in for a beta. So, we turned around and headed back up to Livingston.

The rest of the day, we tried our best to make it "normal" for Chris - took him around to my mom's to show off the costume he wouldn't wear. Took him to see Cookoo and the family. Went over to my IL's for them to see Chris too. All the while, I tried to not cry... I knew what was coming...

From there started the ping-ponging of ultrasounds and betas for 3 weeks straight - three weeks I was waiting for this miscarriage to begin. I knew there was no hope for this. And, of course, the miscarriage wouldn't start on its own. I needed the d&e in the end.

Why am I bringing this up now?

Well, I took off October 30th and 31st this year - partly so I didn't have to work on the day that marks when my last angel baby should have been do AND when the bleeding started for my second miscarriage, and partly so that maybe, this year, Halloween can be a little more fun for Chris.

But, so far, it is not starting off well...

Now, October 30th is full of doc appointments: Chris' pediatrian appointment at 9 am; Hubby's tooth pulling at 1 pm; my counselor's appointment at 5 pm. Sure, I suppose I could change one of those appointments...but, I don't want to take any more time from work.

I just need some time on October 30th to honor my angel babies that are connected to that day...and I have to fit it in somehow. June 27th was so peaceful - the edd for my second angel baby. I want this day to be as peaceful to, if I can manage it.

How do I do that now? :(

"I Spoke with My Child"

For those who have experienced a loss.... Please go here...

"I Spoke with My Child"

Someone posted this in a comment on another blog...and it is truly amazing.

(Please enter with tissues handy)

A truly spiritual experience

After surviving Suzi's bridal shower on Saturday (which really was lovely - thank goodness!!), some interesting things came up that have reassured me that 1) my faith is being restored and moving in the right direction and 2) that although I still miss (and will always miss) my angel babies, it is okay to still cry (even in front of a church load of people!), and remember and honor my children.

First, the event that kinda got me to believing that my faith is coming back and things have happened for a reason came about in a talk with Sister Angelis Saturday night (how appropriate, right? Dr. D's name is Dr. De Angelis! Never put the connection together before.). Sr. Angelis is a VERY Irish nun, about in her late 70's, who worked with Hubby's aunt (Cookoo) at her former job at St. James Hospital for many years. Sr. Angelis was "forced" to retire a few years back (considered too old to be working by the church) and was carted off to a group home for retired nuns - which she soooo doesn't belong in since, although she has a terrible back condition, she is a spit-fire.

Cookoo told Sr. Angelis in 2002 that Hubby and I were TTC our first and we were having problems. So, in her heavy Irish brogue, she said, "Well, we cannot have any of that, now can we?" She sent me through Cookoo the blessed St. Gerard medal that I had contemplated retiring in my post on Friday about the Feast (see post on The Feast of St. Gerard Majella). She promised me that she would say her novena for me every night and to never go without my medal. Obviously, all of her prayers were answered on May 4, 2004 when Christopher was born. From that point forward, whenever she stays overnight with Cookoo, we bring Chris over for her to see him and see how much he has grown...and he is always overjoyed to see her, like he has a very special connection to her. It is lovely to see how is acts around her.

Anyways, Sr. Angelis attended Suzi's shower - which meant she was staying overnight with Cookoo since the convent house was too far to travel to after such a long day. She asked me at the shower if I would bring Chris over later that evening so she could visit with him. At 7 pm, after all of our guests for the day left (meaning, the spouses and kiddies of the wives attending the shower - and, yes, my house was a lovely mess!), we put Chris' coat on and walked him across the street.

Of course, she was shocked (as always) at his size. "My heavens! He's huge!" she says. "Blessed be. He is just gorgous!" Chris went right up to her - with a very devilish grin - and says, "There you is!" She was tickled....with that same Irish, devilish grin. They played a bit - and Chris mooched some of her pizza, which Sr. Angelis thought was very amusing, and was pleased he said "please" and "thank you."

While Suzi played with Chris in the kitchen (where, from the couch we were sitting on, I can see exactly what Chris is in to...I think I DO have eyes on the back of my head!), we chatted for a while...

Sr. Angelis, while knitting, told me that Cookoo told her about the miscarriages I had and how long it has taken me to come to a place of acceptance about them. She told me that she felt terrible that I (and we - including the family) had to go through this. She has been praying that I could finally find some peace. She also told me that she felt she was "meant" to be here (she wasn't sure she would be able to get there if no one picked her up) - to talk about how I felt, to talk about going to visit St. Gerard for the Feast, to talk about replacing the medal that I have worn for 4 years. She said that Chris is such a beautiful boy - and that he is so well behaved and mannered for only being two - that she "will not stand for it" with her God. She felt that we should have another child to raise with love and that she will be praying every night that we are blessed again. She told me to make sure I got to the Feast and offer up my prayers and thanks for what I do have, and she will be praying along with me...

I wasn't totally sure I had wanted to really go to the Feast before this...I felt like it was going to be a waste of time. But, we did decide to go yesterday. We set our plans in place Saturday night to meet up with S&S by the St. Anthony statue. We got there right after Chris' nap (after passing the car-bq on Route 280) and Hubby decided to take come pics with the new camera while waiting:

(The Madonna and Child)


After a little bit of playing in the plaza...

(me chasing Chris)


...Zia and S arrived!

(Zia saying Hi as Chris is trying to get OUT!!)


...And we played a bit, since there was tons of room for him to run around.

(Chris showing us his pet rock - or speaker disguised as a rock)


After noticing the line wasn't too long anymore, S and I made our way to visit the Saint. We missed the actual procession because of Chris' naptime....but, it worked out okay because Chris was in a great mood with a 2+ hour nap. We got on line and, after waiting for about 20 minutes in cramped quarters with elderly Italian women squishing past us to see the Saint themselves, it was our turn to go up.

I took out my money to pin on Saint Gerard - $10 from me and $10 from my MIL, who couldn't get in close for handicapped parking for my FIL. I gave my offering to the Guardsmen and touched the Saint so that my charm bracelet (and my angel charms) would touch his face. Maybe it was the moment - or maybe my imagination - but, a wave a peace fell over me as I stepped down from the platform. It felt like I really needed to be there after all.

Afterwards, S and I made our way into the church, looked around a bit in the church and entered the actual shrine area where we lit a couple of candles and paid our respects. We stopped in to the giftshop and bought our new medals (relics included - thanks, S! I think I still owe money for that.).

We left the shrine and made our way back to meet up with the boys, found our dinner (gotta love the sausage sandwiches!!!) and parked our butts at a table to eat.

(Chris meeting up with us after coming back from the church)


After dinner, Chris of course wanted to play some more...

(Stopping to appreciate the airplanes a bit)


For some reason, I felt a need to go back into the shrine with Chris - not sure why, but I needed to. I guess to really give thanks for what I have in my life...and pray that, if I am to be blessed with another child, that he or she be healthy and happy. So, I asked Hubby for some money (since I pinned all of mine on St. Gerard earlier) but, he didn't have singles (S - the man! - gave us a $3 loaner...which we will be paying back!). I made my way with Chris....and Hubby in tow, which took me a second to realize he was behind me (sorry, a blonde moment!). We went in and walked around a bit and made our way to the shrine again...

When we entered, it was less crowded than the first time we went in. I put the $3 in the candle offering box and lit four candles - three for my angels and one for D from FF. Hubby asked me if I wanted to light a candle - I looked at him weird and said I did that already, like several! He clarified and asked if I wanted one of the glass prayer candles the ladies were selling at the table...he suggested we use it for the World Wide Wave of Light Ceremony for October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day later that night. I said sure...and he bought one for me, at which time the kind women also gave him a fist full of free, blessed St. Gerard Medals (some of which I passed on already to some ladies who need it).

As we made our way to visit the actual shrine statue, Hubby gave the man behind the alter of the shrine itself money and purchased three additional prayer candles - one for each of our angels - to be placed on the alter to burn until they went out later that night. It was at that point - in front of everyone - that I completely lost it. Not only was Hubby's gesture very sweet and understanding of what I needed, but to have these candles burning in such a sacred place was just amazing for me. Chris gave me a hug while I cried and a few people came by and patted me on the back, ackowledging without words why I was crying.

I was meant to come to the Feast... I found so much peace here in a month that is marred by miscarriage anniversaries....a month I used to only associate with marrying my hubby.

As we walked out, Hubby, Chris and I just held hands and walked without words. Our angels were resting peacefully with a great Saint... I couldn't ask for more.

We met back up with S&S at the table... We hung out a little longer and played with Chris (almost losing it again with S - talk about being an emotional basketcase!). But, by 6:45 it was getting chilly and I wanted to get home to light my candle for my angel babies. We walked out together and said goodbye and headed home.

I lit my prayer candle next to the St. Gerard statue that was given to me last October by another lady Cookoo used to work with (named Ana). I had wanted to give that statue back to her after my last miscarriage - I felt no connection to St. Gerard at the time, and felt like He had failed me (nice way to think, huh?). But, Ana would not take him back. So, for the past year, this statue has been in my living room and, up to this point, just "taking up dust" in my heart. That changed last night as I let the candle burn for three hours - one hour for each of my angel babies. I finally have the connection I lost...



I took off the old medal I have worn for 4 years (placing it in Chris' room next to his crib) and replaced it with the new medal.

My prayers are with him now... And with St. Catherine of Sweden, who is the Patron Saint to prevent miscarriage.

Today is October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is October 15th, the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Just a reminder that everyone is invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE Wave of Light Ceremony - to honor all of those babies lost to us.



Please light a candle at 7 pm in your time zone and keep it burning for at least 1 hour - and join me as I remember my three precious angels, and the angels of my friends and family members who have also experienced a loss. If everyone does this there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world today that will last for 24 hours.

For details, see the official October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day site.

The Feast of St. Gerard Majella

The Feast of St. Gerard Majella is this weekend at St. Lucy's Church in Newark, NJ - the National Shrine for Saint Gerard.

St. Gerard is the Patron Saint of: childbirth; children; expectant mothers; falsely accused people; good confessions; lay brothers; motherhood; mothers; Muro, Italy; pregnant women; pro-life movement; unborn children.

I have on me every day - sick, cleaning, whatever - a blessed St. Gerard medal that a nun Hubby's aunt used to work with gave to me when we were first TTC our first child. It is the first religious medal, other than my Ukrainian cross from my grandmother, I have ever worn on a consistent basis. It is very well worn now...I've had it on my necklace since mid-2002. It's totally discolored (it was gold-plated), but well loved and special.

A year ago (on October 16th), Hubby, Chris and I went to the Feast of St. Gerard for the first time. We went along with our friends S&S - we were both TTC at the time... Our second, their first (and, unfortunately, still TTC after 4 years...).

For me, about 10 days before the Feast day, we found out that I had ovulated on 100 mg Clomid in between ultrasound monitoring for an IUI - so, the IUI got scrapped and the chances of a natual cycle working, which we did our "duty" and DTD as Dr. D instructed, was slim to none. The eggie only lives for 12-24 hours, right? So, I went to the Feast looking for prayer and guidance for TTC again, hoping that once my new cycle started, maybe it would work better...that TTC wouldn't take as long as it did the first time. I also went to give thanks for the beautiful gift I come home to every day...who usually ends up in our bed in the middle of the night, and kicks us in the back...our Chris.

Two days after the Feast, I got my first positive HPT (with several done after that since I could not believe what I was seeing). We were in total shock...and immediately thankful. The cycle should not have worked... But, we got our miracle and began telling those who knew about the medicated cycle.

...Less than two weeks later - after no signs of the morning sickness I had with Chris - my world came crashing down. Getting ready to meet up with S&S for a last-minute outing, I started bleeding on October 30th. In a panic, I tried to reach Dr. D - he was not available, so the covering doc told me to take it easy the rest of the day and call Dr. D in the morning (of course, I had the option of going to the ER - but, was warned I probably would have a long wait). So, I called Dr. D first thing in the morning...which then began the processes of repeat beta draws and ultrasounds. Each ultrasound done showed only a sac - no baby, no fetal pole, nothing close to a heartbeat. My betas were not doubling. A miscarriage was inevitable - of course hearing the news on my cell phone from Dr. D in the St. Barnabas Ambulatory Care Center parking deck with Hubby by my side as others walked by wondering why I was in tears. I waited for three weeks for the miscarriage to start....and only spotting here and there shadowed my days, along with the worst backpain I have ever had. On November 22nd, I finally had the D&E done at 9:30 am - at exactly what would have been 9 weeks. The PG was officially over.

I had hoped for better for S&S - they had gone through her miscarriage in August 2005 (the first person I had known to go through this terrible process) and were in the middle of a new IVF cycle... I had hoped and prayed that St. Gerard would at least answer their prayers and give them their blessing, finally.

...Yet, here we are, going back to the St. Gerard Feast on Sunday - S&S still empty armed, Hubby and I with three angels in heaven (and, more than thankfully, one here with us).

Why are we going back again? Why are we putting our faith and prayers - the faith and prayers that were not, to us, answered a year ago - back in St. Gerard?

I don't know...for either of us...

Maybe, for me, I am going again out of guilt because Lex from FFamily asked if I was going? Maybe out of my desire for guidance again as I begin to face the last of my three EDD's (ironically, on October 30th)? Maybe out of the faith I am slowly rediscovering after the events of the past year?

I don't know...

I remember, back in December 2005, we were visiting friends who live in Brick - we went to see them after their little girl was born the day before Thanksgiving (the day after my D&E). Chris very innocently grabbed my necklace while playing around and the only thing to come flying off it was my St. Gerard medal. I was in a complete panic - this was the same medal that got me through my PG with him...and, my three miscarriages. I had to make sure I had it - I needed it. I found it finally under the kitchen cabinets and, borrowing plyers, made sure I got it back on my necklace.

Am I being called back to the Feast maybe because this medal I have worn for 4 years was only meant to protect my pregnancy with Chris? Maybe it is time to "retire" this medal and seek out the blessings of a new one?

Maybe I am grasping at straws??? Being to materialistic in putting my faith in a little blessed peice of metal?

What is even more interesting to me is the day we are going to the Feast also happens to be the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Maybe I am drawn to this Feast because I need to be in a place where I can feel the presence of more than what we are capable of understanding in our time? Maybe, as I look to start TTC again in January, I am looking for peace as we start trying again - which is something I am really fearing? Maybe I need to seek a blessing for the three angels I am missing here on Earth?

I don't know...

Guess we will see what happens when we get there....which I will try to do with an open mind and heart.

There must be 50 ways to BBQ your Mother-in-Law

Uh....I have a job, right? Sure I do! I'm here right now posting to my blog (oops!)!

...But, apparently some people in the family forget that in order for me to get paid and have the super-nifty health insurance (which covers 100% of all infertility stuff - YEAH!), I actually HAVE TO DO THAT JOB!!!

My MIL has called me about 3-4 times already here at work...and it's just 10:30 am! Nothing about Chris....all about Suzi's wedding shower tomorrow...

Can you bring home thumbtacks?

Can you get wrapping paper? I need lots! Have to wrap everything.

We need 2 cards... No, 3 cards. No, 2 cards. Sorry. Forgot we went in on a gift.

I forgot to order a corsage... Crap. Should I call now? What should I get? Daisy's?

Shoot me now!

When I remind her I have a job...and some deadlines due today...I get: Oh, I just wanted to get your opinion.

Oi! I gotta get away from my phone!

Hey, it's not my problem Suzi's wedding shower (and wedding) is rushed. If she had not gotten herself knocked-up, then none of this would be a rush, right?

I want her shower to be perfect, she says.

Well, it can't be when you are planning a shower in less than 4 weeks. ...Or, a wedding in less than 8 weeks for that matter! Things have to get cut....and all 55 people you invited to the shower are not going to be able to make it - they probably had plans set in place weeks or months ago. Don't bitch over only having 24 people attending the shower... If people had known they were getting married, say last year?, more people would have been able to come.

Is it Sunday yet????? Where's my Calgon????

...80 days...

Ahhhh.... I have officially made it through my 8 sessions of counseling as of yesterday. And, where do I stand with how I feel now? Peaceful, content, confident, happy, ME. Finally - it has been a long time since I have felt this way.

My counselor is very happy with how far I have come since starting with him in April - even though I had doubts about seeing a councelor who 1) was male, 2) sounded like a gumba over the phone and 3) did not specifically deal with infertility and pregnancy loss. Dr. P has helped me different sides of things I haven't allowed myself to see. He has pulled out of me the thoughts and feelings I just didn't want to face -- and some that had nothing to do with the losses and my struggles with infertility. He is happy to see that I have been in a consistently good mood since the end of August, and moreso since finding out why Suzi had decided to get married to quickly: to have her baby and, to the extent she can, do right by my experiences. And I am happy I stuck it out with him and didn't allow myself to think in stereotypes by a simple phone conversation about setting up an appointment with him.

Dr. P was also very pleased that I was finally able to have a "public" event to honor my babies lost - meaning, the Walk to Remember on Saturday (see post on The mixed bag of feelings: Empowerment and burried grief). Hearing my angels' names read in the name honor roll has finally given to me a dignified and proper goodbye. I no longer have to think of the medical way they had to leave me...I can think of them honored by everyone who has experienced a loss. I can rest now...and, although I will always be sad they cannot be here, I know they are with me every waking moment and every sleeping night.

...However, I know that panic, fear and anxiety are still lingering in the background... They want to sink their teeth into my head and heart so badly. In 80 days, I will be back on the TTC bandwagon...80 days until I wonder if the med potocol will work right this time around... 80 days until I hopefully enter a cycle where maybe I will get pregnant again... 80 days until I begin to worry whether I will successfully carry a healthy pregnancy to term - or, if I have to face yet another loss to our family and potentially the end of TTC forever.

It scares me to death. Even now, as I sit here truly happy for the first time since we started this ride in July of 2005, it scares me.

I wrote out my limits on how far I can go with TTC again (see post on Revisit of the MIL rant...and some lingering thoughts on it). My counselor knows my limits...and Dr. D will be told the same when I see him for my long-overdue annual exam on 10/23. I need these limits so I can remain sane during the TTC process. I am putting my fate in Dr. D's very capable hands - and I trust he will do right by me, as best he can. I am giving up control over that process - and it feels good.

I am...

...and will no longer do it.
(although I DID pass the FF Charting Course! ).

I am also finally...

...because I have to believe God will give us what our family needs...
...whether that be a new life or not.

I finally believe...

...and will allow that plan to happen.

Luckily for me, my counselor is contacting the insurance company to get authorization for additional sessions...one session is to fall on my upcoming, last due date of October 30th, which also happens to be the day I started bleeding with my November 2005 miscarriage - how ironic they share the same day? Althoough I feel good now...he knows, as well as I, that TTC again is going to hard, and a possible pregnancy is going to be even harder.

What saddens me (which I can admit now) is that I can't have a blissful, ignorant pregnancy now...not with 3 miscarriages looming over me and the potential, statistically, for more. I am always going to be guarded about a pregnancy until I see that beautiful face (or faces, if I am so blessed) on the day of delivery...if there ever is one. I hate that any pregnancy will be overshadowed by fear. I enjoyed my pregnancy (even through the mega-nausea of morning sickness) with Chris every second. Enjoyed every kick and wiggle and visible movement. I am just not sure if I will be able to have that now... And, it shouldn't have to be that way.

I suppose I should give that up to God too...and I am trying to.

I heard this song in the car yesterday on the way back from counseling... It totally sums up how I feel now and how I will probably feel in 80 days. I am standing in the rain now...but I hope that I will not be falling down once January arrives...

Stand In The Rain
by Superchick

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but,
She knows that when
Shes all alone, it feels
Like its all, coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from wants to give up
And lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand throug the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand throug the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain

Happy 8th Anniversary, Hubby!

Ah... Eight years today, I was getting up to drizzle and gloomy skies - and our wedding! Nothing was rushed that day - the wedding was at 5 pm, so we had time to get our hair done, our make-up done, etc. It was one of the few days I was sure of the decision I was making... Hubby is my "lobster" (hope everyone gets the reference) and I knew it was right. No regrets.

I have yet to scan some of the pics from our wedding (proofs were still paper proofs in 1998!) so I can post them here.

I can't believe eight years have already past... It went so fast! We made it past the "7-year itch"...and much more. And, despite the emotional rollercoaster of this year, we are closer than ever.

Happy 8th Anniversary, sweetie! Hope you find your cards this morning...
_________________________________________________________


Here are some songs that that define the beginning and on-going of our marriage... Specifically, The Wedding Song, which was played at our wedding.

Grow Old with Me
by John Lennon

Grow old along with me
The best is yet to be
When our time has come
We will be as one
God bless our love
God bless our love

Grow old along with me
Two branches of one tree
Face the setting sun
When the day is done
God bless our love
God bless our love

Spending our lives together
Man and wife together
World without end
World without end

Grow old along with me
Whatever fate decrees
We will see it through
For our love is true
God bless our love
God bless our love


The Wedding Song
by Noel Paul Stookey

He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
Rest assured this troubador is acting on His part.
The union of your spirits, here, has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. There is Love.

Well a man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home
And they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one.
As it was in the beginning is now and until the end
Woman draws her life from man and gives it back again.
And there is Love. There is Love.

Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it Love that brings you here or Love that brings you life?
Or if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before?
Oh there's Love, there is Love.

Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name
There is Love. Oh there's Love.

Song for the moment: Cry Out for Jesus

Somehow, I woke up VERY late for work this morning and had to cancel out on my carpool to get in on time. So, I drove in solo this morning...and maybe a little faster than usual (shhhhh... It's a secret!).

Anyways, normally I listen to some sort of Prog rock in the car... or some of the classics. But, nothing normally on the Christian music stations on XM Radio. But, as I was flipping through the channels this morning, I stumbled upon one of the Christian music stations and for whatever reason, felt very drawn to it. So, I went with it and gave it a listen.

As I turned the corner for the Livingston Campus of RU (my cut-through to the Busch Campus), I heard this song...which really sums up where I stand with my faith right now.

I do feel like my faith is getting a little stronger every day...and this really sums up what I have been looking for all of this time.


Cry Out To Jesus
by Third Day

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

World Wide Wave of Light Ceremony

For anyone who has experienced a loss, October 15th, the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, everyone is invited to participate in a WORLD WIDE Wave of Light Ceremony.



Please light a candle at 7pm in your time zone and keep it burning for at least 1 hour. If everyone does this there will be a continuous WAVE OF LIGHT over the entire world on October 15th that will last for 24 hours.

For details, see the official October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day site.

The mixed bag of feelings: Empowerment and burried grief

We got home from the Share walk, held in Edison, NJ, around 12 noon. It was a wonderful experience to be there, despite the gloomy skies and the chilly air. But, I was finally able to feel validated for the feelings I have had over the past year - like I finally belonged somewhere after this long journey toward healing.

Before I really get into the nitty-gritty of my current mixed bag of feelings, I need to thank all of those who sponsored Hubby, my mom, Chris and I as we walked the 1.5 mile walk this morning - with their help, we raised over $300 for SHARE:

1. My parents
   
2. Linda (my sister) and her family
   
3. My IL's
   
4. Hubby's aunt and uncle
   
5. Hubby's grandmother
   
6. Dawn from FertilityFamily
   
7. Fred, my Center Director
   
8. Mel, Tami and Brenda, my Center Associate Directors
   
9. Sarah, my Center Administrator
   
10. Walter, my Center Unit Computing Manager
    
11. Barb, a friend in another University department
    

All were so generous...it is really nice for everyone to think of this walk in such a positive way. I hope that, as other families go through their losses (unfortunate as they may be), SHARE will be able to give them the same guidance and peace as the organization has for me.

After registration and picking up my shirt for the walk (which had my angels listed on it), we were serenaded by two fathers who lost babies of their own as they sang so many songs of loss...songs that were very relevant to the day. After everyone was registered, a small rememberance service was held - poems were read, our babies were honored by a name-roll calling ceremony, and the singing of the following song...

Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
by the Dixie Chicks

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we'll find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams


This song, alone, ruined me. I cried in front of everyone, for the first time - but, luckily, I was not alone. And, as good as this release was for me - despite how guitly I feel that he has to be this initutive - Chris held onto me the entire song as I cried. I love this little boy more than words could ever express... He understood why I needed his hugs, and gave them to me...no questions asked.

Now, onto the even more emotional stuff...

It was very comforting for me to know that I am not alone in my sorrow and grief - there were at least 75 families at this walk who, to some degree or another, feel the way I do. Some families are farther along the healing path than I am....some have just begun. Some families were even attending who lost their babies well before the SHARE organization began 27 years ago. I stopped feeling like an outsider - I was "home."

It was sad to see so many of us mourning out lost babies...young or old, single or married, living children with them or not. Yet, there was a sense of strength in numbers as each baby's name was read off the list...including the Three Spassione Angels.

I feel empowered now. Since this was the first day I have ever publicly cried about my babies lost, I don't feel I need to hide those feelings anymore when they creep in. I have a place and people who can understand these tears I shed - and no one judges why I need to let these tears go free.

But, some of the families who attended the walk and D's loss this week have reminded me of one important thing that I will never be able to have from my losses:

A final resting place for my babies.

My first angel was miscarried naturally...and the loss was unknown at the time. So, I don't have a thing from that miscarriage...not even the data from my FF chart (which was lost due to a stupid technical error). My second and third angels were literally removed from my body by scraping or suction, and what was taken from me was just sent off immediately to run genetic testing. I was knocked out and when I woke up, they were gone - and feeling as if they were never there in the first place.

I had no baby to hold and kiss and say goodbye too.

I had no baby to hold a service for and give a final resting place too.

I have tried to create things for my angels...a place where I can go to "visit" them when I need to...a place to know they are "there." My memory boxes were supposed to serve this purpose. The flowers we planted in June by Hubby's great-grandfather and great-grandmother's graves were supposed to serve this purpose too....and, unfortunely for us, did not survive the extreme heat of August. At the end of the day, it is just not the same for me. I have no grave to visit, no place to bring momentos too.

Why is this so important to me?

I don't know. Maybe it is the product of my Catholic roots? We learn your soul leaves your body upon your passing for a more holy place, and you are honored here by friends and family at a wake and burial service. I fitting tribute to a life passed. Maybe, in some sick and weird sort of way, I am jealous of those families who could go through the motions of having a funeral service for their precious angels and have that formal (and public) step to say goodbye? I can never have that... One baby was not even known about, one baby never even formed, and one baby was so small, tiny, that you would never be able to hold it.

How do you mourn a baby you never got to hold, thank for being with you as long as they could, and kiss goodbye?

That has been, I think, the hardest thing to get past as I finally come to a point of acceptance of my life and the events that have surrounded it. I have my memory boxes for my last two angels: ultrasound pics, cards sent in sympathy, flowers received, hospital bracelets from the procedures to lead them on to their heavenly resting place. But, it is just not the same thing as being able to hold the babies I could not have here with me. It is just an aweful feeling to have to carry with you... There is no formal goodbye.

So, to bring me back to some sort of empowerment... I am going to inquire into volunteering some time at my local hospital about the program they run where people come in and hold the babies who need to be held: those abandoned, sick and whose parents cannot be there 24/7, those in need of a little motherly love and closeness. Maybe, through holding these babies for a little while, I can get my chance to resolve these feelings...and help them thrive with feeling love, comfort and tenderness.

I am very glad I went to the Walk to Remember... At least, through this walk, I had a public way to honor my babies. I finally had a place to publically honor them and mourn for them.

CD 59 - Damn stupid body!

...Here I am... ...CD 59... ....Still no period....

The hope that the BCPs I started taking in May would maybe restart my cycles is shot, gone, ta-ta - all they did for me was elevate my T4 levels and cause havoc to my mental psyche because of the added worry over another pregnancy complication.

...Maybe I should be grateful - taking the BCPs DID, in the end, reveal the ATA issue, another pregnancy complication. If it weren't for that, I would think that the MTHFR issues were my only issues.

But, I am so tired of being bloated, crampy, everything you get before your period arrives - and no period in sight. I have felt like I was getting my visitor since I left for vacation - on September 2nd! Now, a month later, I am still waiting...

Then, let's add in the occasional spot... Spot here, spot there. I look down and go WooHoo! period's here! Then, she says "Fooled you!" Nothing.

I have lost 35 pounds since December... You'd think it might just help me to regulate my cycles a bit. NOT!

I am trying to be patient and wait until I see Dr. D for my annual on 10/23.... But, I would also like to get CD3 bloodword done again because, well, who the hell knows what my horrormones are up to these days. However, I am sure if I did that (and took the evil that is Provera), Murphy's Law would come in to play and I would end up with my Witchy friend just in time for my annual... which is WAY overdue!

So, here I sit.... Waiting yet again....

...not that I am charting... I'm not. Honest!

Revisit of the MIL rant...and some lingering thoughts on it

So, my MIL and I had another round of arguing Tuesday night.... Really, the arguement was centered around issues with Suzi's upcoming wedding. A response card was received from M&J that "3 will attend" - problem is, no children are invited other than Chris because he is in the wedding! So, she wanted Hubby or I to call them and inform them of that - uh... NOT my place to do! This is Suzi's show - she or her mother should be the one to do it!

...But, in the end, we are calling anyway to tell them... Suzi's mom asked if we could, so now we are making up a story to back them out of having Kaila attend the wedding. Oi! I can't wait for this to be over!

Anyways, our conversation (after we were done arguing) came back around to TTC again... It was the same old rehash of what I posted in the MIL rant up ahead... thread. But, it got me to thinking about a few things...and a conversation with Hubby about how far we will go on TTC again.

Why do I really want another child?

Well, I always wanted two children - or more, if we had the money to do it. I never wanted an only child - not that there is anything wrong with that. There are many, many happy only's in this world - and I am glad there are parents who know they only want one child. Unfortunately for my MIL, Hubby being an only was not her choice - her miscarriage of twins ended that dream for her. But, she made do with what God gave her and Hubby was a happy only, and close with his cousins.

But, for me, I have always wanted two, or more if the money was there. It was my picture of how my life would be when I was young...

...of course, my picture is very different now, but that is for another post...

Although I don't get along with my two siblings all of the time, I still have them if I need them, or to fall back on. They are my family, and I want to give that chance to Chris, if I can. I would like to see him have someone he can grow up with, and potentially be close to when Hubby and I are gone. To be an uncle to neices and nephews. To have someone else to love.

Why so others want more than one child? I don't know - but, I don't think it is a "status quo" thing. Or, is it? Maybe my MIL is right, in a way? That stats with families having 2.5 children are in fact swaying us to want to have those 2.5 children?

How far am I willing to go to give Chris a sibling?

Well, I have already endured more medical tests than I care to admit I've had...and not all related to reproduction. And I am certainly single handedly keeping the doctors of Essex County employed this year! But, how far am I willing to go to bring another life into this world? Far...but not that far.

I have to set limits for myself to preserve my own sanity - since I seemed to have misplaced that over the past year of TTC #2 (well, now I guess you can say I am TTC #5, if I want to be technical about it...). And, Hubby agrees with those limits. I can't put my family and friends through the emotional turmoil that has dominated my life for the past 15+ months. I don't want to miss out on any more precious time with Chris than I already have missed out on.

I need to focus on living in the here and now.

So, what are my limits to IF treatments?

I am willing to do Clomid, IUI, injectibles, triggers, progesterone (and all of the monitoring that goes with it).

I've been through Clomid and IUI - I know what to expect. I know I can handle injecting myself with an epi-pen or trigger. I could probably even endure PIO shots, if I really needed them. I went through 8 hours of induction with Chris with no epidural - I think I can handle the pain of an injection and the subsequent bruising that goes with it.

I am not willing to move onto IVF.

My reasons are many:

First, because I don't think it would have to go that far - I have managed to get PG (and subsequently miscarry, of course) in 3 natural cycles without IUI's. My tubes are obviously open. I know I don't have polyps or ovarian cysts or uterine abnormalities. I know Hubby's s/a is normal. So, I am not going to use someone else's time who truly needs to do IVF to conceive. That is not fair to those women who need it - and selfish of me to think I need it.

Second, I know through so many women the hurdles it takes to do IVF - it is NO picnic, is not to be taken lightly, and in the end, could potentially not work. It is not the "hip" thing to do - egg retrieval is surgery, after all! And, unless you are blessed to have fabulous health insurance like I do, it is freakin expensive! Simple ultrasounds to check follicle growth for an IUI is way easier than the monitoring and procedures it takes to do an IVF round.

If I had no children, and IVF was the only way for me to conceive - absolutely, I would be in line to start. But, I am blessed to have Chris in my life and at this point in my life, after having lost so much time with Chris while I was mourning my angels and getting my faith and soul back on track, I am not willing to give up any more time with him. IVF takes time - and I don't want to take that time away from Chris anymore.

I am very happy for those who chose to go through IVF to TTC #1 or TTC #2 or more - and I pray that it works for them every time I see their siggies with their protocols hashed out for the world to see. But, I just cannot chose that path - out of self preservation and time.

When do we call TTC over?

If I have another miscarriage directly related to my MTHFR and ATA diagnoses.

I don't think I can handle another loss directly related to my body not wanting to nurture the pregnancy. I could try again if I knew the miscarriage was not caused by my body: like a rare genetic condition, rare cord complication, etc. But, if my body just does not want to cooperate and I am looking at loss after loss, I just can't do it anymore. I have to stop.

Is this out of self-preservation again? Partly. But, it is also out of family preservation. I can't put everyone through this again. I put my marriage in strain because of the losses...and I can't allow that to happen again. Hubby is the best thing (along with Chris, of course) that has come into my life and I won't put that in jeapordy again.

I know with every pregnancy, there is a risk of miscarriage. D from my FF BG knows that, unfortunately, first hand (see prayer request from yesterday) - as do many women who have endured loss (or loss after loss). I know I am at greater risk already for another miscarriage. So, I have to draw the line somewhere to keep myself sane.

If I am not pregnant by my 35th birthday in January 2008.

Risks of complications go up with age - and I already have 2 risks in front of me. I cannot purposefully put a child at risk for more complications when I already know I have hurdles to get over to carry a healthy pregnancy now. I know women over 35 are conceiving and having healthy babies - but, most do not have the complications I am facing. I can't play Russian Roulette with another child's life. And, in my mind's eye, that is what I would be doing.

I pray I don't have to actually use these limits - that I can manage to get pregnant right away with Dr. D's help and that the treatments I am doing to overcome my problems in carrying a healthy pregnancy work. I am healthier now than I have been in a long time (except for the still lingering tummy issues, of course) and I am in much better physical shape than I have been in eight years!

I just hope my body will cooperate for me... That the boardwalk psychic's predictions of two more healthy children will come to pass... That God will bless us again with one more child to share our love and life with.

Prayers needed for a BG member

One of the ladies in one of my BG's on FF found out today that, after not feeling her baby kick in a few days, the doc could not find the heartbeat on doppler or ultrasound. The baby girl has passed away. She is going in tonight to deliver the baby - at 24 weeks.

She has had a rough pregnancy all along with morning sickness, and now this.

Please say a few prayers for her and her family - that she will be okay in time, and that she and her family will find some peace in the months to come.

So, those emotions of Why God would do such a thing are popping back into my head again... I know that will not be answered for a long time, but it saddens me that someone else has to go through this. It is just not right.

D: I am thinking of you. Contact me any time - you have my contact info.

Chapter 8: The return to reality - Work, doctor screw ups, unexpected weddings!

Well, here it is! The final chapter of my vacation....almost a month after it's conclusion: The return to reality!

The trip home was fine - we left the shore around 10 am, was home by 11:30 am and I had everything unpacked, washed and ready to go by early evening. I took the following Monday off to have some bounce-time before I got back to work - I didn't want to rush around like a chicken without a head!

I spent the day with Chris and Hubby on Monday...and then headed off for my counseling appointment in the late evening. Counselor was quite impressed with how relaxed I was...but, of course, I told him work loomed ahead, as well as the thyroid scan!

Tuesday morning, 8:30 am: I was greeted to about 300 e-mails...and 2 spam filters so overloaded, it crashed my e-mail! Great start to returning from vacation! On top of it, our system's administrator was on vacation - yeah! So, luckily, our center administrator was able to clear out some of the spam another way so I could read my e-mail again.

Once my e-mail was cleared up...I had to fish through it all to see what was just FYI and fileable, and what had to be addressed for real. By lunch (at least 4 hours of time spent on e-mails alone), I knew the projects I actually had to do - two of which were rush jobs because my center administrator, who was supposed to be monitoring my e-mail never did! So, I ended up working right through my lunch to get the rush jobs done. Par for the course, I suppose.

As I approached 2 pm, I realized I never heard from the hospital about what I needed to do for the thyroid scan and uptake test I was scheduled for Wednesday morning at 8 am. So, I take a minute to call the test center...and guess what?

I am not in the schedule!!

So, after about 5 minutes of @*^%39(&%*%!@%!^$#&&%!*&%*@ ranting and raving, I called my Hubby in tears. All I wanted to do was get this test over with (especially since I had it scheduled about 3 weeks in advance!) and see if part of the reason I had been feeling so crappy was due to a thyroid problem, and here I am encountering yet another speed bump in the road!

Hubby calls the test center - finds out that Dr. McC's staff never faxed over the corresponding bloodwork, which is required to order the radioactive capsule for the test. So, my slot got cancelled. Thanks a lot, dumb asses! Luckily, the lady on the phone was able to get me in for the test on 9/19 (see post on results: The Lo-down on the Thyroid Scan and Uptake...Good News!) - provided, of course, the bloodwork gets sent over.

Hubby then calls Dr. McC's office and rolled some heads yet again with the staff...and this time, they fax over the bloodwork (and the prescription too, since they didn't do that either!). We got a confirming call this was done. So, now I am confirmed for the test!

Finally, it is time to go home...and I am out the door at 4:30 promptly! I can't take anymore stress!

I get home with Chris and we decide to sit outside and wait for Hubby to come home from his first day back to work too. As we sit, Hubby's aunt (Cookoo) waives from across the street as she gets her pizza delivered and goes back inside. A few minutes later, CooKoo and Suzi come across the street to visit...and give us the news of the upcoming wedding and baby! (see post on How my miscarriages have brought forth new life). Not the news I was expecting to hear - especially after a day that had already been so stressful. But, in the long run, this news is what I can actually think back to fondly - it was the news that brought me the peace over my losses I had longed for.

It was one wacky return to work after such a nice vacation... Reality sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Guess that's why it's called vacation.

Chapter 7: Some sad news to accompany the last night of vacation

After a wonderful - and peaceful - week on vacation, the week was ended with some rather sad news that we were very much not expecting to hear.

To backtrack a bit, Hubby has been friends with SG (to differentiate him and his wife from others we know) for a long time - Hubby and SG were both State investigators for the Division of Gaming Enforcement before Hubby and I got married. He is a very nice guy - and, which is a downfall, his thinking is always black and white. He and his wife (DG) got married in 2000 after about 6 years of dating (they met in college) - a lovely ceremony with an ourdoor reception.

Over the years, we have shared the joys of children being born - and the downers of my struggles with IF and DG's struggles with narcolepsy (which impacted her two pregnancies very badly because she could not take her meds while pregnant, which caused people having to stay with her all of the time and no driving). We saw each other as often as we could...which is hard to do when we live over an hour away from each other!

However, over the past year, our contact with them became less frequent - the occasional phone call came through, and we didn't tell them about the November miscarriage until after the new year, when they finally returned out phone calls.

SG is now a criminal justice investigator and one of the duties of his job is to be on wiretaps. So, his hours have been very crazy (overnights, weekends, etc.) - and he also works a second job with his father so that DG can stay home with the boys. He maybe has one day off every 13 days - which, personally, seems like it could wear a person down very quickly, and the relationships around that person too.

Anyways, SG and DG came over around 9:30 pm Saturday night (NOT what I was expecting since I was in my jammies, no make-up, poneytail and packing!), the night before we were leaving to go home. I noticed right away that SD was very hyper, uncomfortable being there, and quite frankly, looked like he has been in a concentration camp for about 2 years - he is way too thin now. DG looked FANTASTIC! She has lost a considerable amount of weight, was dressed beautifully and was all done up. I couldn't quite get why they looked so different - and why SD was not himself...

So, the boys went into the kitchen to chat about they guy things they always talk about - and I had a chance to talk to DG alone for a bit. So, without beating around the bush, I asked her what was going on. That is when she informed me that this was mostly likely the last time we would see them together again...

...They were most likely getting divorced.

I was in utter shock...until she told me the WHY: He had been having an affair with the woman who is on the wiretap with him for the past 16 months. DG had just found out the week before through the woman's husband (he caught them in the act and called DG immediately)...although she had suspected it for a while.

I am very heartbroken about it - they were such a good fit. Shared so many things in common - interests, views, history. They talked about everything and anything. Out of all of the weddings I have either attended or been in, they were one of the couples I never imagined this would happen to.

So, the plan was that he would go to counseling to try to determine what he wanted to do: leave her and the kids for this other woman (which, BTW, this about her 4th affair...habitual cheater) or stay and try to work it out. He went to the counseling session - he wants to leave and be with this other woman.

Even after a counseling session together the following week, he still has it in his head that he is "in love" with this woman and that he has been very unhappy for a long time. What, what??? Could have fooled us! He and the other woman have "plans" to buy a house together in 2007...

I feel terrible about it - DG is calling me all of the time to try to get things off her chest. She is happy that he is still living in the house right now (in the basement on a twin bed, so for now, they are playing "house" without the "I love you's" and the kiss goodbye - very sure that act is going to confuse the two boys even more than they are now!) and feels that he might change his mind. I think she is setting herself up for a HUGE fall when he finally moves out - and I am scared for her. Sure, he hasn't realized yet that you still have to do normal household chores in a new relationship - and that, if this other woman is going to have custody of her kids, he is going to be assuming a fatherly role to them, whether he wants to or not. The grass is not always greener on the other side, you know! But, he has his blinders on - and she has to do things that are best for her and her children.

One of the big issues for SG - that he is not willing to admit yet - is that there is a family history of bipolar disorder in his family (his father deals with it every day, his grandmother was institutionalized years ago because of it) and based on how he has been acting (including lashing out at this boys, which is so not his style), it seems to many of us (including his family) that this is the path his body is leading down. He has backed away from all of his friends (including my Hubby) and will not speak to his family unless it is on his terms. I am scared for him - but, in the end, you can't force someone into treatment if they don't want to admit there may be a problem.

I know there is nothing I can do to change what is happening other than to be there for DG, and for SG when and if he comes around to us. Do I hope that maybe they can get back together? Absolutely. She wants to try to work it out - she wants to do whatever it takes to get her marriage back for herself and her children. But, she can't do that if he is going in a different direction. And it is sad. This is not the couple I figured would be heading for divorce...

Only goes to show how important keeping communication open between each other is in a marriage!

I know I have been very hard to live with as I mourned my losses and worked through my anger over the past year - but, Hubby has always allowed me my time to work through it, and has always said he was there when I needed him. Our communication has been open, even when I didn't want to talk about it - and it shows now as I am finally bouncing back from my struggles and we are getting back into our "groove".

How I wish SD would just open up to someone...and communicate the real why of he is doing this. Maybe the relationship can never be reconciled, but at least the pain caused by it can be lessened...

Welcome back to reality, I suppose... :(

Chapter 6: Play time and other funny Christopher moments

Here are some pics of playtime and other fun moments... Again, more pics are to come...

Chris atop the Dover Township Emergency Response Team (ERT) unit (Hubby has SOME connections!):



Check me out, SuperCop!



Does this siren work??



Hey! Out of my unit, Kaila!



Chris reading at dinner:



Four generations of "The Men" (my FIL, Grampy, Hubby, Chris and Uncle Tony):



Checkin' out the slides:



Mommy, you're coming with me!



I think I hit my head:

Chapter 5: Peace found by the ocean

Finally....I have pics from VACATION!! These are not all...but the start.

Although it was a gloomy day, peace was found at the ocean with no one around except for us...and a few bystanders who truly enjoyed watching us play as a family:

The magnitude of the ocean:



Keeping cozy:



What makes life all worthwhile:



Enjoy!

No one told me to take the water filter off out tap...

...in order to get knocked up!!!!

Found out last night that - besides Hubby's cousin Suzi now being pregnant and getting married quickly because of it - another (unmarried) girl in her wedding party is now 6 weeks pregnant AND a close friend of theirs is also going to be a daddy because he got his girlfriend pregnant! This all follows Suzi's matron-of-honor who ALSO got pregnant and rushed to get married in 2004 before her son was born in February 2005.

I didn't realize it was so easy to get knocked up in Essex County, NJ! Guess I better take the Brita filter off our kitchen sink tap and start drinking up! Maybe, then, I might get pregnant without Dr. D's help and actually STAY pregnant!!

I know this is the Green Eyed Monster popping up right now, but...

I don't think I am asking for too much, right? I am soooo ready for another child - but why is it so hard for me and others I know who are ready to bring a life into this world, yet so easy for those who weren't planning on this to just "have it happen."

AARRGGHHH!!!!

SHARE Walk to Remember

Hubby, Christopher, my mother and I are doing a Walk to Remember for the SHARE organization on Saturday morning, October 7th in Edison, NJ.

The goal of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. is to to serve those whose lives are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.

If anyone would like to support us, please let me know via e-mail. I have the donation slip that I can add you to. Specifics of the walk we are doing can be found here: New Jersey Walk to Remember.

Thanks!

MIL rant up ahead...

On rare occasions, my mother-in-law and I get into discussions in which we don't quite agree...

Now, don't get me wrong - we are VERY close, which is rare in the IL world - she has been a second mother to me since Hubby and I met in 1987 at the mere age of 14 years old. She even has threatened Hubby that she would personally hang him if he ever hurt me in any way physical or had an affair (HeeHee...good to know she's got my back on that!). Hell, she was even with me when I picked up Hubby's sample from the hospital and escorted it with me to the IUI that resulted in her grandson!

Anyways, we were talking on the phone last night about various ladies I am friends with who are either having a hard time TTC #1, are having a hard time TTC #2 (like me), or are contemplating TTC again in the near future. Normally, she is extremely supportive of what we ladies are doing... But, last night she made a few comments that, after some brewing time, kinda pissed me off. Luckily, I have been in a MUCH better mood lately, so I didn't reach through the phone and bite her head off. But, her observations, none the less, bothered me.

"Back in our day, we didn't PLAN on having children. You just got married and assumed that you would have children when it happened."

Well, that's all fine and dandy if, well, your body actually wants to agree and function normally to produce a child.

Sure, I can get pregnant - but only on meds. My body refuses to ovulate on its own and play nicely when we decide we want to try for a baby, so that laid back idea of having children is not an option for us. We HAVE TO plan - plan when I will approximately get my period (since getting my period is challenge to start with), plan what chart days I have to take whatever meds, plan on picking up those lovely OPKs and use them, plan when my u/s's will be, plan when DH has to pass off his sample to the lab, plan when the IUI will be, plan make-up time for my work at my job... You get my drift.

And, then there are my friends who have to plan even MORE than what I have to because their protocols are way more complicated and rely on precise timing... How exactly does she think that someone with blocked tubes will get pregnant UNplanned?

"Aren't some of you TTC to late in your life? How are you going to keep up with the kids? I had Ken when I was 21!"

Uh, well, some of us didn't quite plan on TTC in our mid- to approaching late 30's. If I had it my way, Hubby would not have been pushed into going to law school by his parents (okay, really by my MIL), waste $100,000 on a career he doesn't like, and have that $100,000 still looming over our heads to pay off. I would have LIKED to start TTC when I was in my late 20's - but, how can you even consider trying to have a baby when you can't even afford to live in a studio apartment because of the freakin' law school loans?

Then, let's also talk about the fact that some of us weren't quite planning on it being so difficult to have a child in the first place. I wasn't counting on it taking me 18 months to TTC Chris, and I certainly wasn't counting on a year filled with failed cycles and miscarriages. Does she honestly think that someone really WANTS to spend 4+ years TTC and be closing in on 34 years old and still be waiting for the stork to arrive, like my friend S has??? Okay....we confess! We just want to bitch about it for days, weeks, months, years on end. NOT!

Who ever dictated that every woman needs to have two or more children? Isn't one enough?

...and this is coming from the same person who asked us when #2 would be coming along when Chris was less than a year old...

I don't NEED two children - I WANT two children (Hell, I'd have more if the money was available to raise them!)! Where is it written that wanting more children is a crime?

I LOVE Chris with all my heart - I would move Heaven and Earth for him, would die for him. He has filled my heart with so much love, I could never put it into words. But, has she ever thought that maybe I would like him to have a sibling? My want for a second child goes beyond my desires of feeling a baby kick in my tummy and bring a new life into this world... Chris deserves to have a sibling (or siblings, if God gives us more), if I can give one to him. Hubby has told me many times how he wished he had siblings...unfortunately, God was not kind when my MIL miscarried twin boys at 5+ months. He longed for the closeness that only siblings have (well, most anyway...my siblings are another story).

Some couples only want one child - and that is a-okay with me! But, some couples want 10 children or more, and mine is not to question that - not is it hers to question me wanted one more. Just one more.

I realize different times produce different people. But, chosing to have a child now is way more complicated than ever before - there is college to think of, expenses for living, health insurance, the list is endless. Back in her day, you got married, you had kids, then your life began when the children were grown - now, you need to have yourself financially established before you decide it is time for children, otherwise you have no cash to raise them with and you live paycheck to paycheck.

I don't need the "finer things" in my life.... I am not asking for diamonds, expensive cars and a McMansion. All I want is another, healthy child. I don't think that is too much to ask for. Right?

I wish she could just take her blinders off sometimes and see things for what they are. Life cheated her out of the things she would have liked to do or have - if she were having her miscarriage now, chances are the one who was healthy would have survived, or survived long enough for her to hold. So why question the things we want to do, if there are means to attain those wants?

Update to "...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!"

In my post, ...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!, I explained that Dr. S told me that my T4 were probably elevated because if the damned birth control pills. This was true - here are my new Thyroid numbers, as compared to my old ones:

TSH:

• from July 15: 2.555
• from August 15: 1.964
• from September 22: 2.012
• Average range limits: 0.350-5.500

T3:

• from July 15: Not run
• from August 15: 26
• from September 22: 24
• Average range limits: 24-39

T4:

• from July 15: 12.1
• from August 15: 13.6
• from September 22: 7.2
• Average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Free T4:

• from July 15: not run
• from August 15: 3.5
• from September 22: 1.07
• Average range limits: 1.0-4.9

So, the levels in and of themselves for right now are perfect. Here's the glitch:

I am reading elevated for one of two thyroid antibodies:

Thyroid Peroxidase (TPO): Negative

Anti-Thyroid Antibodies (ATA): 63 (with upper limit being 40).

What does this mean now? Well, we are back to being higher risk in pregnancy again - talk about bursting my bubble! Guess we can't get off this ride that easily.

Dr. S wants to see that my TSH BEFORE pregnancy is below 2.0, even though the "normal" range falls between 0.350-5.500. If it is higher than 2.0 (which it is right now), then she is going to suggest I be put on thyroid medication prior to pregnancy to lower the number.

This means, retesting my levels in November when I meet with Dr. D for our pre-conception consult, retesting again in December and retesting yet again in January as we start infertility treatments...

Also means that the MFM clinic will need to monitor not only the MTHFR issues in the 1st trimester, but also monitor me closely througout the entire pregnancy.

It could be worse, right? My levels could be off the charts NOW, which would be a problem. But, they are not. So, I guess I will be in for more blood-lettings... hurray!

Be Not Afraid - Means more to me than ever before

In my constant struggle to regain my Faith after this past year, I think Faith is finally winning out...

To backtrack a bit, many moons ago, when I was a wee baby, my mom made the decision not to have me baptized (nor my older brother). To this day, I am still not sure why, but it was what it was. And it was left at that.

My grandmother, however, felt I needed SOMETHING to count on and believe in, so she used to take me to mass (both at a Roman Catholic church and a Eukrainian Eastern Orthodox church - some masses being in Latin, no less!), teach me prayers, and try to cement some sort of Faith in my life.

When we moved from Hillside to Union in 1983, my parents ended up sending me to St. Michael's School because the closest public grammar school (which is what I was used to) was just too far away to walk. Mass was required every first Friday in the month - and, every first Friday, my classmates would ask the same old question: Why aren't you going to Communion? My answer: I wasn't Catholic.

When I started Mother Seton Regional High School, masses were required there too (like, duh! It was a catholic school too.). So, the same question would arise: Why aren't you going to Communion? My answer yet again: I wasn't Catholic.

Something changed in me after my first year at Mother Seton and I decided to go through the RCIA and finally become Catholic... I was baptized, made my first communion and confirmation at the Easter Vigal Mass in April 1989. It was a very special day...and from then forward, my Faith blossomed.

In college (yep, you guessed it, a Catholic - errh, Jesuit! - college: University of Scranton), I became involved in Eucharistic ministry and the choir. I went on retreats and became closer and closer with God.

After college, I still tried to go to mass as often as I could, and was also still involved in some retreats for high school youth. But, as time went on, my Faith began to wain a bit - not dissolve, but just not become stronger.

After Hubby and I were married, we were a little taken aback by how some things in the Roman Catholic church were so, well, judgemental and hypocritical: At our Pre-Cana meetings, there were couples there who were CLEARLY not ready to get married, yet they were okay'ed to by the priest; friends of ours were allowed to get married without additional counseling after their personality questionnaires required by the Archdiocese proved them to be "incompatible"; the priest who married us (who is a VERY close friend of ours) left the priesthood after he was struggling with feelings for a woman he counciled and his superiors told him he could have "something on the side" and still be a priest as long as he kept it hush-hush. There is more...but, I think this is enough for now.

So, church attendance began to fall to the wayside...until I learned I was pregnant with Christopher. We felt we needed to start going again, which we did faithfully every week at Our Lady of Sorrows (eventually, Chris will be going to school there too) until after Chris was born. We stopped going for a bit because we didn't want him out in public until he had his first immunizations - but, by 6 weeks, Chris was baptized and we started going again sporadially.

....Then, I had the miscarriages...and my Faith was torn apart.

I have been angry for a long time now at God: How could He take away lives that were so special and pure, who we so desperately wanted? How could God allow my friend S to not be able to have a child for 4 freakin years and still stuggle with IF now? Yet, how could God allow some woman who could give a rat's ass about a child have a child and completely ruin that child's life? It just didn't seem fair - and I have been pissed off.

But, that obviously changed when we found out about Hubby's cousin Suzi's pregnancy and how she came to make the decision to keep her baby and get married (see How my miscarriages have brought forth new life). I began to see how my hurts could affect someone else's life (especially that of this new life growing, or Big Mac as the baby is being called). And, I ran across the blog of my friend C's hubby, T: Confessions of a Former Dawg. Reading through some of his posts, and seeing how he relates his Faith to the struggles that their son faces, gave me a new take on my Faith. And, I am very glad for that.

All of this brings me back to one of my favorite Catholic Hymns which, for reasons that were unknown to me then but are being realized now, I have always been drawn to and cry to.

Be Not Afraid
written by Bob Dufford, S.J., a Catholic Hymn
text based on Isaiah 43:2–3; Luke 6:20.

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the pow'r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

I think I am coming to an understanding of why this hymn means so much to me... And, I am at peace.