Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Chapter 7: Some sad news to accompany the last night of vacation

After a wonderful - and peaceful - week on vacation, the week was ended with some rather sad news that we were very much not expecting to hear.

To backtrack a bit, Hubby has been friends with SG (to differentiate him and his wife from others we know) for a long time - Hubby and SG were both State investigators for the Division of Gaming Enforcement before Hubby and I got married. He is a very nice guy - and, which is a downfall, his thinking is always black and white. He and his wife (DG) got married in 2000 after about 6 years of dating (they met in college) - a lovely ceremony with an ourdoor reception.

Over the years, we have shared the joys of children being born - and the downers of my struggles with IF and DG's struggles with narcolepsy (which impacted her two pregnancies very badly because she could not take her meds while pregnant, which caused people having to stay with her all of the time and no driving). We saw each other as often as we could...which is hard to do when we live over an hour away from each other!

However, over the past year, our contact with them became less frequent - the occasional phone call came through, and we didn't tell them about the November miscarriage until after the new year, when they finally returned out phone calls.

SG is now a criminal justice investigator and one of the duties of his job is to be on wiretaps. So, his hours have been very crazy (overnights, weekends, etc.) - and he also works a second job with his father so that DG can stay home with the boys. He maybe has one day off every 13 days - which, personally, seems like it could wear a person down very quickly, and the relationships around that person too.

Anyways, SG and DG came over around 9:30 pm Saturday night (NOT what I was expecting since I was in my jammies, no make-up, poneytail and packing!), the night before we were leaving to go home. I noticed right away that SD was very hyper, uncomfortable being there, and quite frankly, looked like he has been in a concentration camp for about 2 years - he is way too thin now. DG looked FANTASTIC! She has lost a considerable amount of weight, was dressed beautifully and was all done up. I couldn't quite get why they looked so different - and why SD was not himself...

So, the boys went into the kitchen to chat about they guy things they always talk about - and I had a chance to talk to DG alone for a bit. So, without beating around the bush, I asked her what was going on. That is when she informed me that this was mostly likely the last time we would see them together again...

...They were most likely getting divorced.

I was in utter shock...until she told me the WHY: He had been having an affair with the woman who is on the wiretap with him for the past 16 months. DG had just found out the week before through the woman's husband (he caught them in the act and called DG immediately)...although she had suspected it for a while.

I am very heartbroken about it - they were such a good fit. Shared so many things in common - interests, views, history. They talked about everything and anything. Out of all of the weddings I have either attended or been in, they were one of the couples I never imagined this would happen to.

So, the plan was that he would go to counseling to try to determine what he wanted to do: leave her and the kids for this other woman (which, BTW, this about her 4th affair...habitual cheater) or stay and try to work it out. He went to the counseling session - he wants to leave and be with this other woman.

Even after a counseling session together the following week, he still has it in his head that he is "in love" with this woman and that he has been very unhappy for a long time. What, what??? Could have fooled us! He and the other woman have "plans" to buy a house together in 2007...

I feel terrible about it - DG is calling me all of the time to try to get things off her chest. She is happy that he is still living in the house right now (in the basement on a twin bed, so for now, they are playing "house" without the "I love you's" and the kiss goodbye - very sure that act is going to confuse the two boys even more than they are now!) and feels that he might change his mind. I think she is setting herself up for a HUGE fall when he finally moves out - and I am scared for her. Sure, he hasn't realized yet that you still have to do normal household chores in a new relationship - and that, if this other woman is going to have custody of her kids, he is going to be assuming a fatherly role to them, whether he wants to or not. The grass is not always greener on the other side, you know! But, he has his blinders on - and she has to do things that are best for her and her children.

One of the big issues for SG - that he is not willing to admit yet - is that there is a family history of bipolar disorder in his family (his father deals with it every day, his grandmother was institutionalized years ago because of it) and based on how he has been acting (including lashing out at this boys, which is so not his style), it seems to many of us (including his family) that this is the path his body is leading down. He has backed away from all of his friends (including my Hubby) and will not speak to his family unless it is on his terms. I am scared for him - but, in the end, you can't force someone into treatment if they don't want to admit there may be a problem.

I know there is nothing I can do to change what is happening other than to be there for DG, and for SG when and if he comes around to us. Do I hope that maybe they can get back together? Absolutely. She wants to try to work it out - she wants to do whatever it takes to get her marriage back for herself and her children. But, she can't do that if he is going in a different direction. And it is sad. This is not the couple I figured would be heading for divorce...

Only goes to show how important keeping communication open between each other is in a marriage!

I know I have been very hard to live with as I mourned my losses and worked through my anger over the past year - but, Hubby has always allowed me my time to work through it, and has always said he was there when I needed him. Our communication has been open, even when I didn't want to talk about it - and it shows now as I am finally bouncing back from my struggles and we are getting back into our "groove".

How I wish SD would just open up to someone...and communicate the real why of he is doing this. Maybe the relationship can never be reconciled, but at least the pain caused by it can be lessened...

Welcome back to reality, I suppose... :(

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