My counselor is very happy with how far I have come since starting with him in April - even though I had doubts about seeing a councelor who 1) was male, 2) sounded like a gumba over the phone and 3) did not specifically deal with infertility and pregnancy loss. Dr. P has helped me different sides of things I haven't allowed myself to see. He has pulled out of me the thoughts and feelings I just didn't want to face -- and some that had nothing to do with the losses and my struggles with infertility. He is happy to see that I have been in a consistently good mood since the end of August, and moreso since finding out why Suzi had decided to get married to quickly: to have her baby and, to the extent she can, do right by my experiences. And I am happy I stuck it out with him and didn't allow myself to think in stereotypes by a simple phone conversation about setting up an appointment with him.
Dr. P was also very pleased that I was finally able to have a "public" event to honor my babies lost - meaning, the Walk to Remember on Saturday (see post on The mixed bag of feelings: Empowerment and burried grief). Hearing my angels' names read in the name honor roll has finally given to me a dignified and proper goodbye. I no longer have to think of the medical way they had to leave me...I can think of them honored by everyone who has experienced a loss. I can rest now...and, although I will always be sad they cannot be here, I know they are with me every waking moment and every sleeping night.
...However, I know that panic, fear and anxiety are still lingering in the background... They want to sink their teeth into my head and heart so badly. In 80 days, I will be back on the TTC bandwagon...80 days until I wonder if the med potocol will work right this time around... 80 days until I hopefully enter a cycle where maybe I will get pregnant again... 80 days until I begin to worry whether I will successfully carry a healthy pregnancy to term - or, if I have to face yet another loss to our family and potentially the end of TTC forever.
It scares me to death. Even now, as I sit here truly happy for the first time since we started this ride in July of 2005, it scares me.
I wrote out my limits on how far I can go with TTC again (see post on Revisit of the MIL rant...and some lingering thoughts on it). My counselor knows my limits...and Dr. D will be told the same when I see him for my long-overdue annual exam on 10/23. I need these limits so I can remain sane during the TTC process. I am putting my fate in Dr. D's very capable hands - and I trust he will do right by me, as best he can. I am giving up control over that process - and it feels good.
I am...
...and will no longer do it.
(although I DID pass the FF Charting Course!
).
(although I DID pass the FF Charting Course!
).I am also finally...
...because I have to believe God will give us what our family needs...
...whether that be a new life or not.
...whether that be a new life or not.
I finally believe...
...and will allow that plan to happen.
Luckily for me, my counselor is contacting the insurance company to get authorization for additional sessions...one session is to fall on my upcoming, last due date of October 30th, which also happens to be the day I started bleeding with my November 2005 miscarriage - how ironic they share the same day? Althoough I feel good now...he knows, as well as I, that TTC again is going to hard, and a possible pregnancy is going to be even harder.
What saddens me (which I can admit now) is that I can't have a blissful, ignorant pregnancy now...not with 3 miscarriages looming over me and the potential, statistically, for more. I am always going to be guarded about a pregnancy until I see that beautiful face (or faces, if I am so blessed) on the day of delivery...if there ever is one. I hate that any pregnancy will be overshadowed by fear. I enjoyed my pregnancy (even through the mega-nausea of morning sickness) with Chris every second. Enjoyed every kick and wiggle and visible movement. I am just not sure if I will be able to have that now... And, it shouldn't have to be that way.
I suppose I should give that up to God too...and I am trying to.
I heard this song in the car yesterday on the way back from counseling... It totally sums up how I feel now and how I will probably feel in 80 days. I am standing in the rain now...but I hope that I will not be falling down once January arrives...
by Superchick
She never slows down
She doesn't know why but,
She knows that when
Shes all alone, it feels
Like its all, coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries
That first tear
The tears will not stop
Raining down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain
She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering
If she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She's running from wants to give up
And lie down
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand throug the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain
So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when its all
Crashing down
You stand throug the pain
You won't drown
And one day where scars can be found
You stand in the rain
1 comment:
First, I like Superchick a lot and that song. Second, I'm glad things are going well at the dr and I hope that you will continue to feel empowered and encouraged. I hope that you are strong when ttc comes along again. In the meantime I'll be praying for you.
:)
Post a Comment