Thursday, October 19, 2006

Beginning to despise the Halloween holiday

Halloween used to be a fun holiday... One that you didn't have to be "yourself" for the day, and you could pig out on all that scrumptious candy!

....Then October 2005 hit, and Halloween has changed for me.

Why are all of the "bad things" happening now revolving around Halloween? Why has this changed so suddenly?

My November 2005 miscarriage started out with a poor response to Clomid (surprise ovulation in between ultrasound monitoring for the IUI) and then bleeding on October 30th. October 30th started out as just an ordinary Sunday...Food shopping in the morning, weekly cleaning, playing with Chris, and last minute plans to get together with S&S for a late lunch. As I made one last quick trip to the potty (yes, we are potty training!), and all I see is red. Red blood. RED!

"Jesus Christ!" came out of my mouth as my hands started shaking. I called Hubby from the bathroom and asked him, while crying, to call Cookoo (Hubby's aunt is an RN)... I needed her to come over. I also asked him to call S&S and cancel...I didn't care what he said the reason was - all I could think of in that moment was the red bleeding I was seeing in front of me...

Cookoo came over quickly and we talked a bit... I made a few trips back and forth to the potty to check if there was any more bleeding. It got lighter, and browner, but it was still there. She suggested I lie down (and not finish changing the sheets on the bed, which was what I was doing before the bleeding started) and call my doc.

I called Dr. D and got his service - they put a call into the covering doc. Cookoo sat with me to wait for the doc to call me back while Hubby played with Chris downstairs. After about 25 minutes, the phone rang... I stared at the phone a second - I knew I needed to answer, but I didn't want to hear what this doc was going to say. I wanted to hear my pregnancy was going to be okay. But, I just knew it wasn't going to be okay.

He said to take it easy the rest of the day... No heavy lifting (including Chris), no cleaning, no cooking. But, how do you do that when your almost 18-month old son wants to play? Of course, he said, I could go to the ER - but, if I was going to miscarry, there would be nothing they could do, and I would sit for hours waiting to be seen. So, I scrapped that idea immediately. He said call my ob/gyn first thing in the morning and see what he thinks.

So, that night, I watched as Hubby played with Chris... Watched as Hubby gave Chris a bath... Sat and watched TV as Hubby put Chris to sleep. All I could think about was the baby I was carrying was not going to make it.

After Chris was asleep, I watched as Hubby sat at the dining room table putting the finishing touches on Chris' costume for the next day... He was going to be Ric Flair, the WWE wrestler. Hubby tried his best to get my mind off what was going to happen the next day...but it wasn't working.

Up to this point, I had no indication that this pregnancy was going to turn...or did I and I ignored it? I had no morning sickness...which ruled the first four to five months of pregnancy with Chris. Did I know before hand something was wrong and I tried to push away the intition I had all along?

The next day, Halloween proper, I called Dr. D's office and spoke with Lee, the nurse who answers the phone. I explained everything...and she said she would call me right back so she could explain it to Dr. D. About a half-hour later, she said she was calling in an emergency authorization for a full pelvic/trans-vaginal ultrasound at the Ambulatory Center - I needed to head over as soon as possible. She wasn't sure about if he wanted to see me yet, or he wanted to do bloodwork - he wanted the ultrasound done first.

So, after arranging my MIL to come over, we headed off for the ultrasound. The tech was horrible - she wouldn't say a thing, never even looked at us. She poked too hard, to the point I was sore and bleeding again. After the ultrasound was over, all she could say was she didn't see anything other than a sac... Well, duh! Lee already said not to worry yet if nothing more than a sac showed at that point - I was only 5+ weeks at the time.

On our way home, Lee called and told us to turn around... Dr. D wanted me to come in for a beta. So, we turned around and headed back up to Livingston.

The rest of the day, we tried our best to make it "normal" for Chris - took him around to my mom's to show off the costume he wouldn't wear. Took him to see Cookoo and the family. Went over to my IL's for them to see Chris too. All the while, I tried to not cry... I knew what was coming...

From there started the ping-ponging of ultrasounds and betas for 3 weeks straight - three weeks I was waiting for this miscarriage to begin. I knew there was no hope for this. And, of course, the miscarriage wouldn't start on its own. I needed the d&e in the end.

Why am I bringing this up now?

Well, I took off October 30th and 31st this year - partly so I didn't have to work on the day that marks when my last angel baby should have been do AND when the bleeding started for my second miscarriage, and partly so that maybe, this year, Halloween can be a little more fun for Chris.

But, so far, it is not starting off well...

Now, October 30th is full of doc appointments: Chris' pediatrian appointment at 9 am; Hubby's tooth pulling at 1 pm; my counselor's appointment at 5 pm. Sure, I suppose I could change one of those appointments...but, I don't want to take any more time from work.

I just need some time on October 30th to honor my angel babies that are connected to that day...and I have to fit it in somehow. June 27th was so peaceful - the edd for my second angel baby. I want this day to be as peaceful to, if I can manage it.

How do I do that now? :(

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that.

I never was big on Halloween (after all it's meaning isn't a great one if you are faithful). Though I still celebrate and make the most of it without getting too much into the ghouls and goblin portions. This year Halloween means a HUGE surgery for Mary Elizabeth with a BIG scary risk.

Anyway I pray you will find peace with it all, I'm certain you will never forget though. I'm glad you taking the time you need off.

And btw: Yes we have to make plans now that I know! *regarding Hakensack.* It was so easy to get to, I love that office!