Thursday, October 05, 2006

Revisit of the MIL rant...and some lingering thoughts on it

So, my MIL and I had another round of arguing Tuesday night.... Really, the arguement was centered around issues with Suzi's upcoming wedding. A response card was received from M&J that "3 will attend" - problem is, no children are invited other than Chris because he is in the wedding! So, she wanted Hubby or I to call them and inform them of that - uh... NOT my place to do! This is Suzi's show - she or her mother should be the one to do it!

...But, in the end, we are calling anyway to tell them... Suzi's mom asked if we could, so now we are making up a story to back them out of having Kaila attend the wedding. Oi! I can't wait for this to be over!

Anyways, our conversation (after we were done arguing) came back around to TTC again... It was the same old rehash of what I posted in the MIL rant up ahead... thread. But, it got me to thinking about a few things...and a conversation with Hubby about how far we will go on TTC again.

Why do I really want another child?

Well, I always wanted two children - or more, if we had the money to do it. I never wanted an only child - not that there is anything wrong with that. There are many, many happy only's in this world - and I am glad there are parents who know they only want one child. Unfortunately for my MIL, Hubby being an only was not her choice - her miscarriage of twins ended that dream for her. But, she made do with what God gave her and Hubby was a happy only, and close with his cousins.

But, for me, I have always wanted two, or more if the money was there. It was my picture of how my life would be when I was young...

...of course, my picture is very different now, but that is for another post...

Although I don't get along with my two siblings all of the time, I still have them if I need them, or to fall back on. They are my family, and I want to give that chance to Chris, if I can. I would like to see him have someone he can grow up with, and potentially be close to when Hubby and I are gone. To be an uncle to neices and nephews. To have someone else to love.

Why so others want more than one child? I don't know - but, I don't think it is a "status quo" thing. Or, is it? Maybe my MIL is right, in a way? That stats with families having 2.5 children are in fact swaying us to want to have those 2.5 children?

How far am I willing to go to give Chris a sibling?

Well, I have already endured more medical tests than I care to admit I've had...and not all related to reproduction. And I am certainly single handedly keeping the doctors of Essex County employed this year! But, how far am I willing to go to bring another life into this world? Far...but not that far.

I have to set limits for myself to preserve my own sanity - since I seemed to have misplaced that over the past year of TTC #2 (well, now I guess you can say I am TTC #5, if I want to be technical about it...). And, Hubby agrees with those limits. I can't put my family and friends through the emotional turmoil that has dominated my life for the past 15+ months. I don't want to miss out on any more precious time with Chris than I already have missed out on.

I need to focus on living in the here and now.

So, what are my limits to IF treatments?

I am willing to do Clomid, IUI, injectibles, triggers, progesterone (and all of the monitoring that goes with it).

I've been through Clomid and IUI - I know what to expect. I know I can handle injecting myself with an epi-pen or trigger. I could probably even endure PIO shots, if I really needed them. I went through 8 hours of induction with Chris with no epidural - I think I can handle the pain of an injection and the subsequent bruising that goes with it.

I am not willing to move onto IVF.

My reasons are many:

First, because I don't think it would have to go that far - I have managed to get PG (and subsequently miscarry, of course) in 3 natural cycles without IUI's. My tubes are obviously open. I know I don't have polyps or ovarian cysts or uterine abnormalities. I know Hubby's s/a is normal. So, I am not going to use someone else's time who truly needs to do IVF to conceive. That is not fair to those women who need it - and selfish of me to think I need it.

Second, I know through so many women the hurdles it takes to do IVF - it is NO picnic, is not to be taken lightly, and in the end, could potentially not work. It is not the "hip" thing to do - egg retrieval is surgery, after all! And, unless you are blessed to have fabulous health insurance like I do, it is freakin expensive! Simple ultrasounds to check follicle growth for an IUI is way easier than the monitoring and procedures it takes to do an IVF round.

If I had no children, and IVF was the only way for me to conceive - absolutely, I would be in line to start. But, I am blessed to have Chris in my life and at this point in my life, after having lost so much time with Chris while I was mourning my angels and getting my faith and soul back on track, I am not willing to give up any more time with him. IVF takes time - and I don't want to take that time away from Chris anymore.

I am very happy for those who chose to go through IVF to TTC #1 or TTC #2 or more - and I pray that it works for them every time I see their siggies with their protocols hashed out for the world to see. But, I just cannot chose that path - out of self preservation and time.

When do we call TTC over?

If I have another miscarriage directly related to my MTHFR and ATA diagnoses.

I don't think I can handle another loss directly related to my body not wanting to nurture the pregnancy. I could try again if I knew the miscarriage was not caused by my body: like a rare genetic condition, rare cord complication, etc. But, if my body just does not want to cooperate and I am looking at loss after loss, I just can't do it anymore. I have to stop.

Is this out of self-preservation again? Partly. But, it is also out of family preservation. I can't put everyone through this again. I put my marriage in strain because of the losses...and I can't allow that to happen again. Hubby is the best thing (along with Chris, of course) that has come into my life and I won't put that in jeapordy again.

I know with every pregnancy, there is a risk of miscarriage. D from my FF BG knows that, unfortunately, first hand (see prayer request from yesterday) - as do many women who have endured loss (or loss after loss). I know I am at greater risk already for another miscarriage. So, I have to draw the line somewhere to keep myself sane.

If I am not pregnant by my 35th birthday in January 2008.

Risks of complications go up with age - and I already have 2 risks in front of me. I cannot purposefully put a child at risk for more complications when I already know I have hurdles to get over to carry a healthy pregnancy now. I know women over 35 are conceiving and having healthy babies - but, most do not have the complications I am facing. I can't play Russian Roulette with another child's life. And, in my mind's eye, that is what I would be doing.

I pray I don't have to actually use these limits - that I can manage to get pregnant right away with Dr. D's help and that the treatments I am doing to overcome my problems in carrying a healthy pregnancy work. I am healthier now than I have been in a long time (except for the still lingering tummy issues, of course) and I am in much better physical shape than I have been in eight years!

I just hope my body will cooperate for me... That the boardwalk psychic's predictions of two more healthy children will come to pass... That God will bless us again with one more child to share our love and life with.

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