One of the most difficult parts about grief is trying to find an answer to the question, “Why me?”. Life can be brutally unfair, and grief is no respecter of persons. When we least expect it, loss can come knocking at our door only to leave us feeling totally exhausted, shocked, and alone in our pain. Nobody is ever prepared for the feelings of loss that accompany the death of someone we love.
Even though “why” is the one question that nags us day and night, I don’t think there will ever be a way of finding the answer to that question. At least not an answer that is to our satisfaction. Life is very unfair, and because of that, bad things do happen to good people—people who deserve only the best in life!
When pain from loss enters our world that was once so innocent, it can knock us off our feet for a while. Our world as we once knew it no longer exists. We must now learn how to live in a place that is completely foreign to us. We must learn to speak a new language and adapt to new and different ways of doing things.
There is a tendency for us to long for life to be as it once was before death entered our world; yet the “normal” we once knew cannot ever be the same again. The life we now have has been transformed by loss. We heal by feeling what we need to feel when we need to feel it. We heal by allowing our broken hearts to be embraced by hope. We heal by believing that life is worth living—even when we don’t have all of the answers. We heal because we believe that life will one day feel joy again! -- Clara Hinton
This really stuck me this morning, as I had a little bit of a rough weekend. As I have posted in previous entries (see entries on Suzi's pregnancy [How my miscarriages have brought forth new life] and her friends' subsequent pregnancy announcements [No one told me to take the water filter off out tap...]), there have been a lot of pregnancies being announced recently - and Hubby, trying to protect me, forgot to mention that another friend of ours was expecting too. He finally told me in the car Friday night when he announced M&J from Boston had a baby boy earlier in the week. I was like, WTF??? I didn't even know J was pregnant - and not only did I get upset that I wasn't told earlier, I was even more upset that 1) I found out after the baby was born and 2) found out so half-assed that I didn't have time to prepare for the news.
Hubby explained that he got the call right after we found out about the last miscarriage in March - he was watching me spiral out of control as it was, and he didn't want to add to it. I can understand that.... But couldn't he have told me over the summer? Earlier in the fall? Any time before this past weekend, after the baby was born? Telling me this was hasn't saved me from the pain I feel all over again.
I know my reaction is a little bit of the green-eyed monster entering in here... Plus, add into the mix my horror-mones, since I am on CD 76 and no period in sight (which will be corrected tonight when I see Dr. D for my annual - and my friend Provera).
Now, I am VERY happy for M&J - they are excellent parents (I have known M for as long as I have known Hubby) and the sweetest of people. But, the WHY ME'S? entered my head again Friday night...along with the WHAT DID I DO WRONG'S? to deserve where my life has been taken. Their DD is only over a year old and they were lucky enough to be blessed again so soon afterwards...and here I sit, missing three angel babies.
As Clara Hinton says in her quote above:
There is a tendency for us to long for life to be as it once was before death entered our world; yet the “normal” we once knew cannot ever be the same again. The life we now have has been transformed by loss.There was a time that all of the pregnancy news like this would not have bothered me - in my head, I know it is partly because I just can't get pregnant without medical intervention (which, comparatively speaking is not what hurts me so much anymore), but even more so, because I am terrified by how the next pregnancy (God willing it happens) will progress. My niave state is gone... My "normal" changed with no hope of going back... For me, a habitual aborter (my moniker from now on), a pregnancy will never guarantee a living, healthy baby in the end. I will always be on guard...always be waiting for the other shoe to drop...always waiting for the bad news to come. I am not sure how I can handle that.
These feelings, of course, always follow with the guilt I feel that my hurts could be much worse - I AM very blessed to have Chris with me...he is what can always take my hurts away. I am blessed beyond words. But, why do some people have to be in even a worse position than me and are not be blessed at all - people who, just from personal observations interacting with children, truly deserve to be parents and are being denied that joy? How can I complain about how things have turned out for us, when I am thankful every day for the joy that is my son?
As Clara Hinton says in her quote above:
Life can be brutally unfair, and grief is no respecter of persons.
I long for the day that all of my questions will be answered...
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