Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Really allowing "Jesus, Take the Wheel"

Yesterday, as I posted, was my angel baby girl's due date... Surprisingly to me, the day was not marked by tears or frustration, but by peace, hope and a new resolve as we move closer to TTC again.

Unlike my June 27th due date not-to-be, we planned nothing special to do yesterday - partly because there was minimal time (Chris has his ped appointment at 8:45 am, a stop in to visit Dr. D with Chris right after that, Hubby's wisdom tooth pulling at 1:10 pm and then Dr. P for counseling at 5 pm), and partly because I didn't feel we needed to do anything more than just be together as a family for the bulk of the day.

...No tears were shed yesterday. No anger bubbled up. No jealously entered my heart as I watched other women come into Dr. D's office as pregnant as I should have been.

I am at peace now...finally.

Interesting thing is, as we stopped in to the house in between Dr. D's visit (who, BTW, we never got to see because he ran into the office and went right into a 1 hour conference - I am taking this as I was just NOT meant to see him yesterday... It wasn't the right time), I received the following in the mail from Sacred Heart Monastary (where I get my mass cards from):

"God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning, wailing or pain."
(Revelation 21:4)

How strange this verse arrived yesterday... I am truly at an amazing peace with the loss of this baby - and the other two babies that were not meant to be here in our world. I thought I would feel disconnected yesterday - like I did when I was told she was gone. But, despite how busy it was yesterday with doctor's appointments and how much I miss my angel baby girl, I am at peace.

On my way back from counseling last night, after talking about how peaceful I have become after the losses, I heard the following song on the radio...

Jesus, Take the Wheel
by Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

Dr. P and I actually had discussed how, in my resolve to not push to hard in TTC again and allow life to happen, these words - "Jesus, Take the Wheel" - is exactly what I need to do now.

Although the circumstances of this song vary vastly from my journey, the premise of letting God and Jesus back into your heart after a long, rough road is the same. Truly putting my TTC journey back in the hands of something more powerful than anything we can understand here on earth - like I did when we were TTC Chris - and let happen what should happen, even if that means that Chris will be our ownly child, is what I am called do now. And, for the first time in three years, I am ready to do that.

I know the road ahead is going to be frustrating, scary... But, I have to allow myself to let go and live each day as it comes. For someone who is a control freak, this is very, very hard to do. But I have to.... Because, my angels are always by my side - and I am ready for what they and God have in store.


Joy said...

Thank you, Jesus!!

I, too, like that song and can relate it to things in my life.

Jessica said...

So true. My prayers are always with you, and I am glad you are finding peace.

HellcatJill said...

Wow, I haven't heard that song, but the lyrics are great. Might have to buy it on iTunes.

So glad that you seem to be doing well. *Hugs* to you.