Ambivalence...at the threshold of TTC again

Ambivalence (according to Webster's Nineth New Collegiate Dictionary): noun, 1. simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action; 2. a: continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite) b: uncertainty as to which approach to follow.

Certaintly describes my mood and way of thinking right now. Not necessarily bad, yet (thanks to the current hormones raging) not necessarily good either. Just there. Not surprising, I suppose, as we gear up to TTC again...yet also begin our season of losses recognized and remembered.

What is good and right now:

First and foremost, my Chris is just a complete nutball! He is everything I could have asked for - and is changing literally every day. His speech is improving daily - my current favorite being the "Look at that!" he exclaims in the tub when he finds one of his favorite toys in the water. He is making strides (small strides, but strides none-the-less) towards potty training. He is dancing around the house and singing, which will be great for Suzi's wedding! Of course, I could have done without the nosebleed Tuesday night when he made contact with his head to my nose while playing....occupational hazard, I suppose. But, coming home from work to a big hug every day is the best....as are the snuggles first thing in the mornings. He is the biggest reason we want to venture into TTC again - a chance to add more joy that Chris has already given our family. But, TTC again is just something that I am so scared to do...

Of course, I finally got my period yesterday!!! A HUGE feat for me to get it on my own at any time, of course. Dr. D was a little rough with the PAP at my annual on Monday (then again, he may have done that on purpose since I mentioned that I was WAITINGfor my period to show after 2-3 weeks of bloating, moodiness, sleep disturbance, backache...). I spotted heavily on and off on Monday and Tuesday. But, by evening on Tuesday, the spotting was all brown and light, so I figured that the spotting was over and the period was not going to show, I might as well start taking the Provera that Dr. D gave me the prescription for on Monday (I couldn't get it filled on Monday because Walgreens was just tooooo busy!). But, as Murphy's Law would have it, after taking the first Provera pill Tuesday night, my visitor unpacks her bags with force yesterday! But, it's cool by me! Need an period to TTC, right?

So, I called Dr. D's office to ask the WAY STUPID question: Do I keep taking the Provera or stop it? Never had to ask THAT question before (felt like such a newbie for a fleeting moment there...kinda like I was when TTC Chris without the help of FF and charting software.). Dr. D said to stop - I don't need it now. Hey, at least I have 9 pills at the ready for when we start the next TTC cycle! WooHoo!

Since my period was here, I asked if it was a good time to do a CD 3 hormone check (haven't had one of those done in a while) - which Dr. D okay'ed, along with checking my homocysteine levels since it is time for it (I started the Folgard tabs 2 months ago now). For some reason, Dr. W at the MFM clinic wanted Dr. D to check the levels instead of hauling my fanny to the clinic (something about originating doctor's findings thing.... Dr. D was a little surprised at that request). Anways, so all the bloodwork will be drawn tomorrow morning, first thing. Yeah!

And, since we were on to good things progressing yesterday, Dr. McC's office called and okay'ed me to see Dr. Stef, the other, more experienced Gastroenterologist in the office since I was very unhappy with Dr. R over the summer. That appointment is now set for 11/13 at 2:45 pm - which makes the timing PERFECTO since Dr. D didn't want me starting TTC until my stomach issues are finally resolved (and I see Dr. D later that same night for our TTC Consult to decide on protocols, etc.).

I finally feel like the waiting, waiting, waiting that marred 2005/2006 is finally coming to an end - everything is falling into place like it did right before we started TTC Chris. All of my obsticals are being monitored as planned, my last issue with my stomach is finally going to be addressed by someone with real experience...

...Come to think of it, before we started the Clomid/IUI cycle that resulted in Chris in August 2003, I saw Dr. Stef for a colonoscopy because I was having ongoing cramping and Dr. D wanted to make sure it wasn't intestinal before starting the cycle (IBS and a few Diverticuli in the intestines were diagnosed then). How interesting that I will be seeing Dr. Stef again before this TTC cycle....

Sorry for the small digression there. My mind is scattered around these days...

On a non-TTC item, we are also starting some long-overdue construction on the house now. We are bumping the living room out onto the front porch (and changing the entryway a bit) to make the living room larger - thanks to Zia's hubby S (what a lifesaver you are! Getting my lazy-butt Hubby going on this!). The work starts this weekend...and should be done before Christmas! Just in time to host Christmas Day again.

...Come to think of it again, before the successful cycle that brought Chris to us, we had just bought our house from Hubby's grandmother and were doing some much needed renovations then too (to make the bathroom LIVABLE!).

Uh, sorry for the second digression there.

I have retired my original St. Gerard medal, after my conversation with Sr. Angelis (see post on A truly spritial experience), and am now wearing the new one that Zia had purchased at the St. Gerard Feast on October 15th. The original one remains by Chris' bedside now... But, four years ago, that medal was new and the gold-plate was still shining bright....just like the new one does now.

Okay, another digression...

Hubby, as much as likes the guy he is working for right now, has decided to start fishing around for other new job opportunities. He would really like to see me at least be able to cut my work load back to part time after a second baby, which would require him to make more money. This attorney he is working for now, unless he can streamline his office and get organized, just can't find the cash to pay Hubby more - and, with the long, long hours he has been working lately, he deserved more pay for more effort. And, there have been a couple of bites on the inquiries he has been making. Yeah!

I apologize for the last digression here...but Hubby did start his new job (well, at the time anyway...he's been long gone from that firm for a year now) less than a year before Chris was conceived. Interesting coincidences....

Maybe these are the good signs we needed - the positive signs that things may work out this next time? Everything is finally falling into the proper places...like they did before Chris was conceived.

I am slowing starting to change my siggies in my BG's and things here on the blog to get ready to start TTC again in January. I think I am really ready for this - scared as hell, but ready.


But, what is "bad" that still haunts me:

Monday marks the start of a rough season of losses.

October 30, 2005 was the day all of the bleeding started with my November 2005 miscarriage (see post on the events of the loss: Beginning to despise the Halloween holiday). October 30, 2006 was my due date for my last miscarriage in March 2006. October 31, 2005 was the first ultrasound and bloodwork confirming my November loss - and the Halloween holiday was less than fun for all of us. November 22, 2005 was the day of my d&e, two days before Thanksgiving.

I survived my last due date not-to-be very well (see post on: I made it through my EDD - and, I'm really okay). But, the day was much, much calmer - only visits with friends and family. Monday, however, is going to be very busy: Chris' 2 1/2 year check-up at 8:45 am; a stop in to Dr. D's office to say Hi with Chris right after check-up; Hubby's tooth pulling at 1:00 pm (complete with general anesthia); counseling appointment at 5 pm.

When are we going to be able fit in time to honor this baby lost to us like we did in June?This angel baby deserves the same honoring as the others have. What are we going to do for this baby and her (since this baby was going to be a girl) siblings in heaven, since the plants we planted by Hubby's great-grandparents' gravesite for our three angels never made it through the August heat wave? I don't want to do something like that and have it ruined again... I want something a little more permanent to honor them with. But, what?

And, while we are at it, November is going to very busy at work and with Suzi's wedding, when are we going to be able to begin to enjoy the holidays???

I made a PROMISE to myself that I was not going to have the holidays ruined this year by miscarriage and all of the baggage that goes with it like it was last year. I made a PROMISE to make these holidays better for Chris, Hubby and I instead of going through the motions of the holidays without joy and fun...instead of crying while putting up the Christmas tree like I did in 2005. I want the holidays to be joyful - to be what they are meant to be: a celebration of a new life, like the birth of Baby Jesus. He is the reason for the Season after all...


I really AM feeling emotionally better these days... It's just the reminders of the babies that were not meant to grace this world that set me back at times and cause these ambivalent feelings that show up from time to time now. I know this is normal with a loss such as this (or, losses such as these, in my case)... But, it always feels like I am taking two steps back again after I make such great strides forward to healing.

I guess this is the part that I have to accept about the losses - and I mean, accept in my heart just not in my head: that, no matter how much time has passed, these emotions and memories will always be there to remind me of the babies who are not here with us, the babies who were too perfect for this world, and how much I have changed (or grown, depending how you look at it) because of the losses.

Maybe, as we start TTC again in January (God willing that everything continues to fall into place), I have to begin to think of these signs as my angels' way of telling me through actions and without words that the time is right now to try again - the events are lining up the right way like they did when we started TTC Chris, our first miracle, for the right reasons.

My angel babies... I am listening to you...