What is on YOUR "Grown Up Christmas List"?

Christmas/holiday songs are abundant these days... Can't say how many more days until Christmas and the New Year because I took down all of my 2006 calendars in the hope to escape the year and look to 2007 (although I can count since I know today's date)... Pathetic, no?

Anyways, among the songs that are playing (let me make the side comment that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson should NEVER, EVER do another Christmas song together - their "rendition" of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is like rubberneckings at the scene of a horrific car accident) are some select songs that do truly hit home...

My Grown Up Christmas List
Lyrics by Linda Thompson

Artists: Various (although I adore Kelly Clarkson's version)

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list

My soul needs healing...

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

How true this rings this Christmas. This is part of My Grown Up Christmas List. I wish for...

• Healing my hurts and heart
• Accepting what cannot be
• Letting go of the anger I still feel
• Letting go of the sorrow I still carry
• Letting go of the worry that rules my mind
• Letting go of the control I shouldn't yearn to have
• Being healthy again, both in mind and body
• Finding peace again and faith
• Loving myself and everyone around me
• Finding joy in the little things again
• Spending more time with my family
• ...and an earnest wish of the Gift of Life, if God allows it.

What is on YOUR Grown Up Christmas List?

You think you know me...

...but I don't always know myself - not anymore.

Hubby and I had to come to the hard decision last night that, for now, we are

...again.

I just cannot take the anxiety attacks that I am getting - and, after starting the Xanex on Thursday night, I know and can identify that is exactly what they are - Anxiety attacks. Not Thyroid (although it could still be an issue - my TSH never got tested on 12/4 by the lab, so it was re-ordered today). Not Gastritis (although that is what my anxiety manifests itself as). Anxiety. Anxiety is the ruler of my life right now and for the sake of Chris, my family as it is right now, and myself, I need to beat this before we even attempt TTC again.

Here are how most of my days go....and how my anxiety usually starts:

5 am: Wake up, fatigued. Jump in the shower and get dressed for work.
6 am: Scoff down breakfast and get my things together for work.
7 am: Kiss Chris goodbye (who is usually sleeping still) as I walk out the door.
8:30 am: Start work...with God knows how many e-mails to sift through.

Then, the anxiety begins to build as new projects at work come up...almost always urgent.

4:00 pm: Hubby has no idea what time he will be home from work...and when I try to find out, he either doesn't answer the cell phone or I get an "I don't know... *insert guessed time here*." That helps.

4:30 pm: Fight the hour traffic to get home...usually a back up by the toll plaza. Sometimes worse on the days I carpool (for the $100 free gas card, thank you Middlesex County, NJ!).

6 pm: Try to eat a dinner...that probably is not going to sit well.

7 pm: Guessing when Hubby will be home???

8 pm: Bath time for Chris...maybe with Hubby, maybe not.

8:30 pm: Bedtime for Chris.

The rest of the night is a blur... Putting things together for Chris for the next day... Maybe Hubby and I get a chance to talk...if I am not so exhausted that I go to bed at 9 pm.

So, how exactly does my anxiety manifest itself for me? Well, it starts with my heart racing...like it is going to beat out of my chest at any second. Then, my hands begin to shake...forget doing anything like sewing a sock because my hands are not steady enough to do it. My body begins to ache...like I am getting sick with the flu, sometimes with a dash of fever-ish feelings and body shaking. Then, my stomach begins to tighten....like there is a vice slowly, steadily turning around my braline. Once that starts, then I get a tickle in the back of my throat and I feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach, yet again.

Nice way to live, right??

Isn't it amazing how people on the outside think you have it all together? Even I thought I had it all together. They think I can do it all...yet I cannot even seem to enjoy my son's smiles or belly laughs or antics at times because I feel like I am going to hurl at any second?

This is why I need to take a break - again.

I had a very long conversation with Dr. McC last night over the phone. What a nice man he is...especially now.

Sure, Xanex is working - to a point. It has taken the edge off of some of it. But, on days that are really stressful - like Monday night when I had it out with Hubby over him not picking up his cell phone when he told me he would be home around 7 pm (Hello?? He was home after 8:30 pm and had no idea where he was!) or like Tuesday when I was getting thrown urgent project after urgent project at me because one Associate Director is leaving for the holiday and things have to get done before she leaves (and I have a Christmas party for the department to prep for).

So, he feels that I need something else with Xanex... And this is what I will be taking:

• 5 mg Lexapro in the morning (at least for now...we will see how the doseage goes)
• .25 mg Xanex if I feel symtoms start during the day (not all of the time, though - have to be cautious of that one since we all know Xanex can be habit forming!)
• .5 mg Xanex before bedtime

I start this tomorrow...hoping it will be in full effect for the holidays. I need it to be because the last time we all got together (Thanksgiving), I couldn't eat.

Did I mention I am down to 145 lbs?? Even I think I look to damn thin! Nice way to loose the weight?

So, I called Dr. D and told him that, for now, TTC is off and he has more free time for another patient. He said he will be ready for me when I am - and to be kind to myself. I'll try.

It is official... I am on another break and have no idea when - or if - we will go back to it.

Wasn't I here before with this decision? I feel like I am constantly on a see-saw with this.

I know that, medically, I can TTC with Lexapro but Xanex is a no-no. The goal is to get me off the Xanex. But, I don't nor won't TTC until I can be myself again and enjoy my life again (and, let's face it, I need all parents in better health too!).

Until we make that decision to go back to TTC...I am having fun counting all of the prescription bottles I have collected in 2006 - a whopping 12 various medications (from sleep aids - to anti-spasmotic stomach medications - to Provera - to things that are supposed to help me prevent another miscarriage)! When in the hell did I ever keep Walgreens that busy??? What exactly can you do with those bottles that could be creative??

I miss being me...

** Ya know, Dr. P (my counselor) said to me in my last session "People know exactly what kind of worker you are within ten minutes of meeting you." I didn't totally get that statement at the time...but I get it now. It goes back to my control freak issues...issues that, maybe, I am getting to old to deal with?

There used to be a time that I could handle all of this pressure - I worked better with it. Back in January 2003, my mom got really sick with a kidney stone, my dad needed knee surgery right at the same time, work was crazy (maybe not as bad as it is now, though) and my FIL was still dealing with the foot wound he has now, we were looking for a house to buy....and we were TTC (that is, of course, before Dr. D stepped in for the punt). Why was I able to handle all of that almost 4 years ago? And why can't I handle all of this now???

....The only thing I can think of is that none of those hurdles were more "personal" than the loss of my babies...and I am only figuring it out now. Losing my angels was/is the biggest blow to my soul I have ever had - physically and emotionally. And maybe this is the first time I am really acknowledging it....and dealing with it. I thought I had all of this under control - and maybe that was the "facade" I was creating for myself to show the world. Yep, I can handle this....like everything else. But, I can't. I really can't.

...But, that weakness makes me feel like I am a whiner... Why can't I just suck it up and move on? Why can't I just heal? There are others out there who have their battles to overcome: Mommies who can't bring their babies home yet from the NICU because they are not strong enough to come home (even at Christmas), mommies dealing with special care for their children above and beyond anything I can ever imagine, ladies who are praying and pleading with God to let their PG's stick and go the 40 weeks it takes to bring a healthy baby into the world, ladies going through their first holiday season with loss in their lives, ladies who have yet to know the joys of being a mommy and are denied that joy time and time again and again.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I have a beautiful son that is growing up so fast in front of my eyes, and I am just wracked with things I can't seem to handle....things I SHOULD be able to handle. This should be the best time of my life...but there are things holding me back from it.

Maybe I can't heal because, no matter what, I have to plan to try to get PG again? I don't have that "luxury" of saying "Hubby, I'm ovulating so let's hit it?" I can't ever relax in the TTC process because I need drugs to ovulate....and IUI to better my chances of conceiving a sticky bean (all three attempts at a "natural cycle" have all produce my angels, after all). I have to plan to plan to TTC....and it is a HUGE Catch 22....one that I cannot seem to reconcile. This alone is probably one of those "hidden" stressors that is undermining my "plans." I have to plan to TTC...but as that date gets closer, I start to stress out with: "What if I can't get PG with what I got PG with before" (I've been down that road with the failed 7/05 50 mg Clomid cycle)... "What if this cycle is a "winner" and I miscarry again." "Will I make it past 9 weeks this time?" "Can I handle another miscarriage?" "Can my family handle another miscarriage."

It's a vicious cycle that I cannot get my self out of. Anyone have advice on how to do that??

So, for now - until I can reconcile how I feel (and I mean for real this time), my primary goal is to be me again....like I was before TTC ever entered my life. To laugh again. To enjoy the little joys again. To want to be a part of things again. To enjoy my life - although it is not what I had wanted to myself - again. To live in the moment and enjoy the little things that Chris finds so amazing - again.

I miss enjoying my time with Chris...

Know what I am doing right now? Working my first day of work at home (which has been heavenly) - wearing my Chris' policeman helmet he felt I needed to wear today while working.

This alone has made today beautiful...time for me to play...

Introducing my new friend, Xanex!

...Well, I have officially started anti-anxiety meds this week. Feels like some sort of graduation, in a way. Oh, dear Xanex...please work. I need a break!

After being home sick from work two days this week yet again with the continuation of the stomach virus from Chris from last week, I told Hubby I needed a break, and fast. Too much stuff is going on - which of course is putting other things on hold.

So, Hubby talked to my doc yesterday about starting me on anti-anxiety meds. Dr. McC started me out on 0.5 mg. of Xanex to take at bedtime and we will take it from there. With everything going on all at once, he felt that even HE would need something right now to take the edge off. We will see how this works - and he is going to check in with me weekly to see how I am feeling. If I need something longer-term, or Xanex is not working, then we will move on to something stronger.

Am I okay with the decision of starting the meds? For now, yes. There is nothing wrong with needing the help (although I never imagined I would have to go this route...then again, who does?). We have to delay TTC another couple of months anyway because of what's happening with all of the respective family members - and, the resulting anxiety won't help me medically at all with TTC. So, in the end, it is for the best.

Am I disappointed that we are ending 2006 with yet another delay in TTC again? Of course! My life has been ruled by delay after delay since we decided to get back onto this crazy ride in May 2005, which started with the first delay in the Chicken Pox vaccine fiasco, delaying TTC until July 2005. What better way to end such a craptastic year with another delay! The only real thing I feel I have done right this year is Chris... Everything else has either been robbed from me (my babies) or piled on me (my work and all of this sudden family responsibility, not that the medical issues plaguing my parents and FIL are anyones' faults...just luck of the draw). I just wish my body would do right by me one more time and allow me to have a sibling for him... I don't ask for much - this is all I wanted.

And, of course, my hope of having the living room done before Christmas is out the door too. That delay is all Hubby's fault for not getting on the ball and 1) ordering windows when they should have been ordered, 2) getting the roof fixed so the porch was dry to work on, 3) cleaning off the crap on the front porch before S came over to work and 4) just dragging his feet in getting this started in the first place. S is doing a FANTASTIC job - he just has to work around the crap my Hubby calls "cleaning up" and it is very frustrating. If I had been feeling better, I probably would have been out there cleaning it up myself. ** Sigh **

But, the upturn this week is that my bosses, for the short term anyway, are setting me up to work from home one day a week! Finally! Technically, this is temporary until my mom is healed up and can resume watching Chris 2 days a week (somewhere around mid-February, we think). My boss came in to talk to me on Monday, after my Hubby's *secret* call to talk to him about it on Sunday, offered a few hours at home each week after coming in for a little while in the morning - that kinda defeats the purpose of what I need, so I didn't discuss it more after that. But, after being out sick 2 days this week, my Center Administrator came in to talk to me on Friday and asked if one whole day at home would lessen the load. I told her yes, it absolutely would - but, doing that might cause a problem with others in the office who had previously asked. She said don't worry about that - she will handle them - and called our Systems Administrator in to talk about how we are going to set this up. Yeah! So, starting Wednesday, I work one day at home - and Hubby will work 1-2 days at home (alternate with mine). Maybe, if things go okay, this could be a more permanent arrangement...

And, one little gesture from Hubby's grandmother was too sweet this week - she told my MIL that she wanted to offer me $1000 if that would help to keep me home for a month from work so we could get through everything that was going on. She is such a sweety, even when being a stubborn mule about medical stuff for herself. Of course, I could never take that from her - she is on a shoe-string budget with her own medical needs... But, the gesture was just amazing....and greatly appreciated.

So, here's to Xanex....and maybe a better start to 2007 for all of us!

Okay, Lord! I seem to be missing your sense of humor!

Remember when I posted I was going to reclaim my life and push forward with TTC in January in Getting off the "Whine Wagon"?? Apparently God has a sense of humor that is just sailing by me...

My mother decided that she didn't do enough damage to herself in her fall down the front stairs on December 2nd - so she did it again this past Saturday down the back stairs! The GOOD thing is that she successfully missed re-injuring her right knee and nose - she realized she was falling this time and braced herself with her right hand as she went down. BUT, she did something to her left wrist that I am still waiting to here the news on - it is very swollen, although she can wiggle her fingers.

...More importantly than her injuries this time, though, is we need to know why she has fallen twice in a week! This is not like her at all...and we need to know if the shadow they radiologist saw on her CT scan on December 2nd is something that is causing these falls.

Plus...my stomach is still a complete mess - we actually had to cancel on a 2-year-old's birthday party on Saturday night because I just felt all-around crap-tastic, for yet another weekend. I am really beginning to think that my thyroid is going haywire under all of the stress and pressure - and until I get the bloodwork back that was done on December 4th, it is just speculation. I just feel like crap all of the time: Feverish and cheeks flushed but freezing cold, body achy, fatigued, hands shaking, heart racing, stomach spasming all of the time, and down to 145 lbs without exercising in over a week (how can one lose 9 lbs in 3 weeks???). Hubby's cousin actually ask my MIL if I was sick because I have gotten so thin (last time I was 145 lbs was before I met hubby!).

Hubby, trying to be supportive, suggested I take take an HPT - I laughed, but humored him anyway. Of course it was a BFN - no shockeroony there since it kinda takes an ovulation to actually get pregnant! But, I am not upset about that in any way - now is not physically the right time for it anyway.

I know I want to TTC again - and I want all those things I posted about last week. I WANT one more shot at this rollercoaster. But, until we figure out what is happening with my mom, get my father and FIL past their respective surgeries and get my entire self feeling better (it is rather embarassing to hear your stomach gurgling all of the time - especially in meetings when it is quite quiet!), I see no way of January as being realistic for TTC again. I need to be HEALTHY and as stress-free as possible - despite my best efforts, I am not.

It is a set-back that I really didn't want to accept - but I have to. I have to do what is best for a potential child - and trying in January wouldn't be (unless some miracle happens and I magicially start feelign better). I am very disappointed...but maybe it is a good thing in the end? It gets me out of being due in October - too many losses are associated with the month of October now anyway. Except for my wedding anniversary, October is a marred month to me now... Maybe December would be better for a baby? Or, even better, January when Hubby and I have birthdays?

So....when will we start? I just don't know yet. Maybe March?? Maybe... Gotta get myself back to feeling better...for me and my family as it is now.

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

Just a reminder that The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting will be held this Sunday, December 10th. Held annually the second Sunday in December, The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends around the globe as they light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.





As per the The Compassionate Friends web page, The Worldwide Candle Lighting is believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe - It creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

As history, The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance. A memorial message board is available during the event at TCF's USA website www.compassionatefriends.org. Hundreds upon hundreds of postings are received each year from all over the United States, as well as dozens of other countries. Some messages are in foreign languages.

Here in the United States, publicity about the event is widespread, being featured in the past in Parade Magazine, Ann Landers column (where my mother found out about it), Guideposts magazine, Annie’s Mailbox, and literally hundreds of U.S. newspapers, dozens of television stations, and numerous websites. Information on the Worldwide Candle Lighting and planned memorial candle lighting services is posted on the TCF website at www.compassionatefriends.org each year as the event nears.

The United States Senate has, for many of the 10 years of the Worldwide Candle Lighting, joined in the remembrance by unanimously passing resolutions declaring the second Sunday in December of each year National Children’s Memorial Day to coincide with The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting gives bereaved families everywhere the opportunity to remember their child . . . that their light may always shine!

More pics from Suzi's wedding

Suzi gave me the following pics from the photographer last night from the wedding.... There are more, but these were very special...and I just had to post them. Enjoy!

After the wedding:


Chris certainly looks like he is praying here:


My favorite pic of all (notice my angel braclet made it into the pic):

Frightening story...and a call to action for all of us!

I received a copy of the Parents Magazine January issue yesterday in the mail.... Usually I let these types of mags sit for a while before I actually read them, but since I was trying to rest a bit to finally get over the lovely stomach bug Chris decided to share with me, I decided to read through it last night.

Chris: I love you baby....more than you know. But, can you do me the very small favor of giving Daddy the stomach virus next time??? The score card is 3:0 - unfortunately in Mommy's favor!

Anyways... There was a very frightening story in the January issue that all of us - regardless of where we are in our reproductive lives because this trend could go beyond the practice of obstetrics - need to read and take action on.

If you do not get the advance copies of Parents Magazine, the full story is not yet available (link will be available soon for http://www.parents.com/January - but, you can go here to get a "taste" for what the article is about:

Losing Your OB-GYN? You Might Be!

Dr. D had mentioned the problem with malpractice insurance coverage skyrocketing a few years ago to us (before I got PG with Chris in August 2003) - and how afraid he was that if the cost of malpractice insurance rose too much for him, he may have to back out of ob practice completely. He said that good ob/gyn's are being forced out of practice (or forced to cut back to gyn practice) because they can't afford the coverage - and med school students are overlooking the ob/gyn practice for that same reason.

Women across the country are loosing fantastic doctors - and NJ/NY/PA are all in the danger zones, with CT close behind (and that is just the tri-state area!). There was a section of the Parent's Magazine article siting that infant mortality rates in Virgina are actually rising> as the number of ob/gyn's in practice fall because of the cost of malpractice insurance coverage! Can that be any more scary for us as we approach 2007???

You can go here for the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) Red Alert List map. The ACOG also has an article about the issues here on their web site: Women's Access to Health Care Hurt by Medical Liability Crisis.

Dr. D is a fantastic doctor - I can't imagine losing him because ob/gyn malpractice insurance is second only to malpractice insurance for Neurosurgeons! But, he has already told us that if his insurance ups itself into the 6-figures area, then he has to quit ob practice. Where would that leave me?? Dr. D has an amazing passion for what he does - his is a doctor who has been in this profession for 20+ years and is on the Residency Board of the hospital you deliver at, who wells up when he sees that baby moving on an u/s or cries with you when you don't, and is adamant about finding out why you are habitually miscarrying - it is a crying shame to be on the cusp of loosing someone like Dr. D because of rediculous malpractice claims being filed.

That is not to say that some claims are not ligit - my brother and his ex-wife definitely had a legitimate claim after their oldest son was born (which they actually never filed). She had a botched c-section - the stitches opened less than a week after coming home, and she started bleeding and the site got infected. She was quite ill. But, the articles list claims that are being filed that are just not the fault of the doctors - and they are being sued for them anyway.

I am not one to fight on political/social issues....but it scares me very much that I am close to losing my ob/gyn - a doctor who has been through every up and down with us for the past 8 years - over an issue of insurance. Some reform needs to come around in the US....and we have the power to do it.

You can take action, if this in any way affects you, by printing the letter below (linked from the Parents Magazine site) and send it to your senators and state representatives to reverse this growing trend:

• Print Letter
• To contact your senator visit, senate.gov
• To contact your representative, visit house.gov

I hope all of you can help... I know I will be!

A request for prayers and information for an on-line friend

One of my on-line friends could really use some prayers from anyone who is willing to send some.

She and her DH found out at herr 20 week ultrasound (she is about 23 weeks now) that the baby has dolichocephaly (a rare disorder having to do with an abnormal shape of the head). The confusing thing right now, until they get their second opinion tomorrow, is that this could be a condition in and of itself, or part of a bigger problem - all of which can range from mild cases to very severe cases. They are waiting for her amnio results, but have been told that even if chromosomal issues are ruled out, it could be a genetic disorder.

One of the biggest issues for her right now is 1) she can't seem to find anyone dealing with the same condition, 2) it seems so rare that she can't find any support groups that discuss it and 3) she can't find much information on the condition at all.

So, if anyone knows of information I can pass along to her - or just prayers you can offer - please post a comment to this post. She will hopefully be looking for any information on the disorder or support services that she should ask for.

Thanks a million, all!

Getting off the "Whine Wagon"

You know... I took a good, hard look at parts of My New Year Meme and my Damn the Fates! post - and I've decided it is time for me to get off the "Whine Wagon."

"Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1. How to stay positive for the future. I've lost my optomism over the past year."

I have felt sorry for myself for way too long... I have always been the optomist in my circle of friends... The one who was sure of the decisions she made and the relationships she had. And, here I find myself acting like a sick bird chirping for help. Where did that come from? Maybe it is justified...or was justified. To know you have things physically wrong with you that can cause you to repeatedly miscarry is not something that is easy to deal with. But, THAT WHINING isn't the real me.

So, I have come to some decisions that I just won't back down from. My docs have optomism that my body can get pregnant and stay pregnant again - so, I am going to match that optomism. There are things I WANT for my life - and I am done playing by the events that have ruled my life until now.

Here are the things I WANT for my 2007....

1. I want Chris to be able to wear this PROUDLY:



2. I want to look at and PURCHASE baby gear again like this:





3. I want to WEAR summer maternity clothes like this:















4. I want to look this happy again:





I am tired of the pity-party I have been hosting for a long time...The pity party is closing its doors to newcomers. It's time for some changes and get back to My Blessings. It's time for me to get back to me and live again.

Yesterday, despite feeling under the weather still from Chris' stomach virus (hey, Chris, darling, can you share your stomach viruses with Daddy at some point???), was a small up-turn of events for me:

1. Medically for me, I now weight 145 lbs (much less than I ever expected to be, so I have some wiggle room to gain some weight back...especially if I do have to start thyroid meds), I have started on a new pregnancy-safe med called Bentyl for the Gastritis (which is WORKING! So far, not much balking today from the ol' tummy), the Gastro doc re-ran the thyroid bloodwork that my endocrinologist's office never sent so I know where I stand with that (and can start thyroid meds, if needed).

2. For my mom after her fall on Saturday: She has a hairline fracture in her knee-cap (and a fracture in her nose too - that one is minor), which can heal on its own provided she keeps her leg straight. So, it should heal in about 4-6 weeks - it is "inconvenient" for right now for watching Chris, but I can and will make things work so she can heal completely. The good thing with her falling is that her and my dad are getting along better now! Go figure - maybe they learned something from each other!

3. I have decided that, since I have a lot of work to be done here at work and I can't do that work if I have to take days off to accomodate the medical issues of my parents and FIL, I am going to ask to work from home 2 days per week. I am going to talk to my Center Admin about it tomorrow (she was out sick today). Hell, it was offered to me and taken back 2+ years ago - and they have bent schedules around for others in my office. So, it is high time they do something for me in that regard. I do more than my share here...and I know I can make it work. I work for a math/computer science research center, for Pete's sake! I think we could figure out how to telecommute, right???

4. Hubby has put out the "job feelers" and is sending out his new resume.... He wants me home full-time (I will take part-time), so he's on a mission now. I don't want him to "prostitute" himself to those big-ticket firms...I want some balance for the both of us.

I am almost 34 years old... There are things I want...the biggest being a sibling for Chris. So, I have made the decision that I WILL NOT delay TTC because of the current events. I am done wasting time... I want to TTC again in January - and I am telling DH tonight that the games are back on!

...I will be breaking out the Provera on Christmas Day! That is my gift to myself - a period in the New Year and a fresh start on adding to our family. Time to celebrate! Let's break out the bubbly!

Hummm.... I think I am gonna call my friend Kris tonight and see if she wants to do a girls night out sometime soon. We haven't had one of those in a looooooong time - and it's high time we do! Muuuhahahhahahahahh!

My New Year Meme

My New Year Meme

Just spreading the Meme from Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters (this is a good one!).

Here are Melissa's rules:

"In honour of 2007 quickly approaching--and since I suck at actually doing memes once I'm tagged, I've started my own. I'm not sure if this is kosher--if a regular person can start a meme or if there is a group of men and women tucked into a dark room somewhere creating these lists. So...um...I tread carefully, attempting to not offend the Memers with my offering.

I have created this meme which can be done in two different ways. Either you can do all seven categories and list two answers for every category (get it? It's 2007, so I'm playing on the two numbers: 2 and 7) OR you can choose two of the categories and list seven answers.

The categories:
Things you learned this year
People you met
Things you don't want to take with you into 2007
Things you want to hold close as you pass into 2007
Things you're looking forward to in 2007
Things that were life changing in 2006
Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007

(see--those are the seven categories. Now you can either give two answers for each category OR you can choose two from that list and give seven answers)."

Things I learned this year
1. Through persistence, I could in fact fit back into clothing I wore before I got married in 1998!
2. That I'm homozygous for the MTHFR mutation (stealing that one from you, Melissa, since we have the same problem!) and have Anti-Thyroglobulin Antibodies (Tg-Ab), both of which are causing my recurrent miscarriages.

People I met
1. My husband's boss, who I would like to give a swift kick in the ass to!
2. Many, many new ladies and gents of Blogs, FFriend, C-Moms and F-Family. Your support is amazing!

Things I don't want to take with me into 2007
1. My anxiety and panic over what is to/not to come.
2. My ongoing stomach issues.

Things I want to hold close as I pass into 2007
1. My family
2. My close friends who have supported me through our losses

Things I'm looking forward to in 2007
1. Maybe a healthy, sticky pregnancy???
2. Hubby getting a new job so I can cut back to at least part-time work and spend more time with Chris.

Things that were life changing in 2006
1. My last miscarriage and finding out why I am experiencing recurrent losses.
2. Going into counseling and starting a blog - and allowing myself to grieve.

Things you hope to accomplish by the end of 2007
1. How to stay positive for the future. I've lost my optomism over the past year.
2. Maybe pick up a new hobby (like knit, crochet or needlepoint??) for relaxation.

Who I am tagging:
1. Jess at Walking By Faith
2. Joy at El Mundo de Mamacita

To take my mind off of things...

...Just wanted to share the "Three Faces of Visiting Santa."

November 2004: Our first trip, when Chris has no idea who Santa was:


November 2005: Our second trip, when Chris decided to freak out (angel baby #2 was with us at the time):


November 2006: Our third and latest trip. I think Chris was trying to teach Santa the "running man:"


Gosh, I love this Santa! Enjoy the pics!

Damn the Fates!

So, it looks like the start of the last month of the year and before TTC has swiftly become a reality check I wasn't expecting to get...

When I came home Friday night from work, I could tell Chris wasn't feeling good - he was very hot to the touch (although everyone disagreed with me) and was just not himself. After a feeble attempt at eating dinner, I told Hubby to make it quick eating his dinner and let's get Chris home. Around 7:30 pm, after 2 hours of watching him just mope and cry, we put Chris in the tub to get him to bed - and he promptly puked in it. Poor thing....he cried so hard because he was sooo scared of what was happening. After he got it out of his system, he perked up a bit - we let him watch the Backyardigans for a while, and at 10 pm he was tired enough to fall asleep. Hubby and I were up all night checking him (he slept in our bed with Hubby - I got ousted to the futon because there was no more room for me... I think we need a California King!), rescuing our penguin at 1:00 AM from the front of the house since the high winds decided it needed to take a walk to the neighbor's across the street, and being startled awake by our ADT alarm going off at 3:00 AM because the wind blew on one of the doors so hard, it set the house alarm off... What a night!

But, Chris is feeling much better - still not sure if it was an actual stomach virus since he was absolutely fine yesterday and today. But, he is feeling better and that's the important thing.

Now....onto the rest of it...

Hubby and I have had to come to tough decision today that we have to put of TTC a bit longer. I am pissed...but there is just not much we can do about it. And, really, its no one's fault in particular.

My mother took a header down her front stairs last night (which I found out about this morning...) - the CT scan of her leg is showing a fracture in her knee. So, there is no way she can care for Chris right now until she sees an orthopedic doctor tomorrow and finds out how long it is going to take to heal. On top of that, they had to do a CT scan of her head since she smacked it too (with a beautiful black eye!) and they found what looks like the aftermath of a possible mini-stroke from the past - she has to follow up with her/our GP (she, too, sees Dr. McC) to see what further tests need to be run to see what is going on. We are still not sure if it was a mini-stroke or not - she doesn't remember feeling anything like that at all. So, we have to wait and see what's going on with that.

So, with that now and my father's impending hip replacement in January and my FIL's surgery on December 20th for his wound on his foot - and the fact that my stomach issues are still here, worse than ever this weekend - there is just no way we can consider TTC in January. There is just too much stress right now....especially with how I am going to work out care for Chris since I can't afford to take the time off of work until my mom recovers. And, I just have too much work to get done.

All of our plans are blown out of the water, yet again. To say I am upset is an understatement... Maybe I should just take the hint that I keep getting over and over again and call TTC over for good. Every time I think I am getting ahead with this, the rug gets pulled. I don't understand it.

I'll be back to post when I have myself a little bit more together and can post a little more coherently.

Count Your Blessings

Well, it's December 1st... Some "milestones" for today:

• To me, December 1st is the REAL start of the Christmas season...not the "retail" version that starts the day after Thanksgiving. We will be breaking out the Advent calendar for Chris, which will be a new experience for him! Advent and the birth of Christ is the real reason for the season...a time for some joy and peace.
  
• I am allowed to start my annual "rendition" of the song White Christmas (which, BTW, is my favorite Christmas movie!). My Hubby just LOVES when I start to "belt out" this song... No, I am not a singer, so you can imagine my rendition appearing on the 1st American Idol show of those they cut out. ;) It is so much fun watching him cringe...
  
• The weather in the NE is actually becoming "Christmas-like" today....finally! Plummeting from about a 72 degree high today to about 40 degrees tomorrow. Yipes!
  
• Today starts my 10th month of blogging - quite the feat for someone who hates to journal! The real milestone for this is when I hit one year...but, I am in double-digits now, which is something I am proud of.
  
• In 30 days, we are back on the TTC horse...we think. In 30 days, we start a brand new year... Hopefully, we can all kiss the sorrow and disappointments of 2006 goodbye!
  

So, in honor of these small milestones...and making this a better Christmas season for us as a family than last year... Let me share with you one of my favorite songs of the season. Not quite a "Christmas" song, but included in the movie "White Christmas."

Count Your Blessings
Sung by Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney
in White Christmas

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings



And, here is another song I would like to share for today... Definitely not a Christmas song, but one that I heard while posting this that cuts into my heart...


I Will Remember You
by Sarah McLachlan

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories


I hope everyone can take some time this month and slow down a bit...and count your blessings, no matter what they are, as we spend time together for all of the right reasons.

Worky-Jerky, other mundane updates...and Pre-School!

Yipes! A week since I posted last.... I gotta tell ya, work is just over-running my life. Let's see if I can catch up a bit (I PROMISE! I will be on my BG's next week... Shhhhh! The boss will be out all next week !).

Anyways....where to begin...

Chris did very well visiting Santa on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Hubby escaped from work, so he joined us this trip. I have yet to scan the pic - but, it was better than last year's (I didn't need to be in it this year!). I will post it as soon as I can. Was sad to hear that they are knocking down the mall complex this Santa is in - but, we signed up for the mailing list so we can find out where he is moving to in 2007. Santa is such a sweet man - he pulled me aside as Chris got down and said it was so nice to see a mommy who so loved her child. Almost brought me to tears when he said that - he had no idea how much I needed to hear that.

I was emotionally okay on Wednesday, on the anniversary of our second loss - our Center Administrator let us out of work around 1 pm for the Thanksgiving holiday (my director was in California on business/family), so that helped a bit to not have to be here all day at work. But, I didn't cry. I was very sad that it has been a year since our angel left us, but I was okay. I spent the afternoon with Chris and visiting with my mom. The only sad thing is - other than Hubby and I, no one remembered...or at least they did not let on they did. For the best, I suppose...but at the same time, that baby was a part of me, even for a short time. And, it is not easy to go through the sadness alone. But, I guess the pain of the losses does really fade a bit over time... Thank you for your thoughts and hugs, ladies. It helps to get me through.

Thanksgiving was nice - and QUIET! Spent time with my IL's and my family, which was nice. The newlyweds were back, so we got to see the professional pics (will be getting my paws on them this weekend since they are all on CD - there are some good ones of Chris that I just have to share). And, got to visit some friends I haven't seen in a while over the extended weekend. As soon as I download the pics from the camera from the festivities, I will post some (except for the pic of my butt that Hubby decided to take as a Haahaaa - NOT!).

I had my annual review at work yesterday - unexpected, since reviews are usually done in April in coordination with raises. But, the University decided to do them now without raises (Rutgers cannot give raises this year due to the State budget crisis, even though we are 90% funded by federal money - damn them!). Got a great review, as I do every year (I better, since I work my fanny off!) - and had a chance to discuss the heavy workload, and what is going on with me physically and with my f'ed up family (more on that in a bit...). We were able to make some decisions on jobs that can be off-loaded from me onto the new workshop coordinator (who is WAY more than competent to do these things - Finally!) so I can concentrate more on things I need to. So, we will be making the transition fairly soon. I am very much looking forward to that. A little more even pace to the day...and more time to catch up with my BG's!

Hubby is still looking for a new job - and he is getting a few hits now that we decided to spend the $$ to have his resume professionally re-done! He likes the guy he works for now (I am not sure I do anymore) - but, Hubby is just not being paid enough for the long hours he is putting in, the weekends he is asked to come in (at the last minute, too), and the prospect of his boss moving the office 1+ hours West of where we are now (which means hell in the snow). It has been very, very stressful to be working full time with a 1 hour commute myself, then try to do everything all on my own after that. I gotta give MAJOR props to the single moms out there - I don't know how you keep up with the pace! Hubby and I are like ships in the night right now - I am going to bed sometimes when he is getting home. And, it just sucks all the way around. His goal is to get me home at least part time - if not full time. But, I also don't want him to "prostitute" himself to a huge law-firm and never see Chris. So, I am hoping we can find some balance there - and some time for ourselves again.

Progress on the living room expansion is going GREAT!!! Looks like we will at least have the existing wall knocked out, insulation loaded into the walls, wiring in place, new windows installed and the expansion walls up by mid-December! I really don't care if the area is not painted by Christmas - as long as the space is usable. Tooo Cool! Thanks S (and Zia for loaning him out!). I am sooo excited!

Hubby and I are going back and forth with Dr. McC to see what to do with my stomach - still. I just cannot take the Lorazepam right now - it makes me too coked up during the day if I take half in the morning and half at night (which is what Dr. Stef wanted me to do). And, taking one full tablet at night is out of the question with Hubby's work schedule - I need to be able to function if Hubby isn't home early enough. So, I am back to the Librax with no other options. This continued issue is going to set TTC back if we can't figure something out. I see Dr. Stef on Monday afternoon...I hope to have some answers then, if not before. I need to - we have waited to TTC long enough and I am ready to get back on the ride again. I want one more shot at this...

The Annual Holiday Family Feud has started on my side of the family... Oh, what a headache! This happens every year around Thanksgiving and goes on through the New Year. But, it is much worse this year because my dad needs a hip replacement done (scheduled for January 10th) - but, being the weenie that he is, he is trying to get out on disability now. And, frankly, they can't afford that (and the doc swatted him down on Monday anyway!). So, my sister and I are trying to calm things down at their house right now...and that is not an easy task. The holidays can bring out "the best" in people! Yuck!

And speaking of surgery, my FIL needs surgery as well, right before Christmas. His on-going battle with the infection in his left foot continues... The wounds are finally healing after 4 years of this (he is diabetic and has no feeling in his feet) thanks to the hyperbaric treatments at Clara Maas - but, to close the last wound for good, they need to do a graft. Right before Christmas. He's okay with it...but... Oi!

I called the local Lutheran church by my mom's today... They are willing to take Chris into the pre-school program early, even though he is technically too young by their cut-off again and not potty trained yet. WoooHooo! I explained our issues with his regression when we tried to potty train and how the ped suggested we back off a bit until his speech gets a little bit better - and the pastor's wife (who runs the pre-school) totally understood. Her one son did the same thing. So, since the class is small this year (only 7 kids instead of 15) and my mom lives a block away from the church (and she can come and change him, if needed), she is willing to take Chris un-potty trained in January (the goal over Christmas break is to get him into pull-ups). So, my mom, Chris and I will be heading over on Monday morning to tour the school and see if he will be comfortable there. I am sure he will - our neighbor's girls used to go to that school. I am excited to get him with other kids...and get his speech improved (although it is picking up quite nicely now on it's own). It is a nice balance: 2 days a week for 2-3 hours each day, interaction with other kids his age, some more structured learning and some religion thrown in. I hope he will like it!

Oh.... and BIG PROPS to PeaPod!!!! We decided to try the PeaPod service (run through Stop and Shop) to save us some time on the weekends - and guess what??? The "Food Fairy" arrived on Monday evening with all the groceries we needed! If you want info, go to their web page: PeaPod. There are discounts gallore, full selections like in a regular super market, and you don't have to leave your house! I LOVE IT!!!!

I do ask that everyone please keep in your prayers: Zia (S told us on Saturday the FET didn't work and I am heartbroken for them... What more can I say? If ever a couple deserved to be parents...I don't understand why this won't work for them). Valeree from C-Moms (she is having TMJ surgery today. Hoping this alleviates the pain she has been enduring for years!). HellcatJill and Moon13 from FF (both of whom found out they are pregnant - WoooHooo!!! Congrats, girlies! And, I am hoping these are VERY sticky beans!).

I think that is it.... Quitten' time here! Time to head home and pick up Chris!

I'll hold you in Heaven

It's raining today...just as it did one year ago when you had to leave us. I miss you, sweet baby...even though we never met. I know you are safe and you are watching over us with your angel siblings, and I will give Thanks tomorrow for that.

But - I promise - I will hold you someday...



I'll Hold You in Heaven
by Jo Ann Taylor

From the very beginning I loved you,
As I made plans to hold you and rock you:
You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,
But something went wrong and soon you were gone;
My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,
I'd never known such heartache and pain.

I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,
Do you have my smile and his eyes?
Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?
We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.
It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,
Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.

I'll hold you in heaven someday,
When my trials on earth pass away;
The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,
I know you're waiting for me;
I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",
But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

Giving Thanks...and why I don't feel as strong as others think I am

I received a very special Thank You card in the mail late last week from D, who has been trying to sort through the loss of her daughter at 20 weeks. To quote a small part of the note:

"Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. You have helped me more than you know. All your advice, blogs - everything - has really helped. You have been through a lot also and you have such a positive attitude."

D: Thank you for the note. I appreciate it more than you realize. During your time of sorrow and pain (a pain I will never truly understand but will always support you through), I never expected to receive such a sweet note. Thank you.

In that vein, I need to give MAJOR Thanks to some special people I have come across over the past year who have truly helped me through my pain and have always been there for me when I needed it:

Fellow bloggers (outside my BG's):

• Cat at House of Miao
• Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
• ...and all of the ladies who write miscarriage blogs that I read when I can (in my side-bar). All of our situations are different - but the feelings of loss, anger and emptiness are woven through each and every blog I read. I have learned so much from you - about strength, compassion, pain, anger, frustration, education - you have touch my heart even without ever having met in person.
  

BG's (including some of the ladies who blog):

• Mother's Day Maybe's on FFriend
• Working Mommies on C-Moms
• Ladies On Hold For A Blessing on C-Moms
• NY/NJ Mommies on FFamily
• ...and a good number of the ladies on the TTC After Loss boards on FFriend. We have all been together through good times and bad - and have for the most part, never met in person either - and the support through the past year has been breathtaking. Thank you for all you have done to help me through this.
  

In my personal life:

• Hubby
  
• Zia
• Cookoo Auntie
• My mom
• My sister
• My IL's
• M&J
• K&B
• ...all of you have helped in so many different ways - either just listening, or sharing personal experiences. No amount of words can show how much I am grateful to all of you. You have shown me what true friendship means - and have allowed me my space when I needed it, or pushed me to force feeling out when they had to come out.
  

Without all of you (and others I know I am forgetting to mention) touching my life in some way - whether it be a phone call, a hug, a laugh, a quick PM or e-mail, a comment on my blog - my heart would still be a mess. I have learned so much from all of you, and since my mind is a little more focused at this Thanksgiving than last year (or not), I can actually say Thank You. You mean the world to me.

But, in getting back to D's note...

I sometimes feel like I am caught between "generations": the generation of my parents, IL's and those before them who grew up in a time when you didn't talk about anything, and the generation just after me where you can talk about everything openly and freely. From the older generation, I have learned to I hide my pain too well...to the extent that sometimes hurtful comments get made and only I feel they are hurtful. From the younger generation, I have "outed" myself to the world when it comes to my losses and my IF - I wear my Pregnancy and Infant Loss band daily, and have a support ribbon on my car (and have already been asked about it). Loss will always be a part of me, whether it be now or when I am 80 years old, so why hide it. Still, I don't feel as positive as some people think I am, and I certainly don't feel that strong either. Learning to manage the pain and hurt through counseling, and writing about it here, has definitely made me stronger - but, sometimes I still feel like I want to curl away from everyone. It depends upon the day...

Tomorrow will be a year from my second loss...and as much as I have come to accept it and am at peace with it, I still have tears to let out and sadness to face. I miss my babies so much - always wondering what they would be doing now, had God allowed them to be here with me. The hurt is very hard to hide sometimes. Any given day, any given moment, a reminder of the babies that were not meant to grace this world come up - sometimes when I am alone, sometimes when others are around. I know my mind and heart will always fall back a step when I am faced with the reality of it. I know it is "normal" to feel this way...but even with reading how far I have come in my bloggings, I sometimes feel "stuck." And, I hate that feeling.

I am trying to stay positive about the future - about TTC again. But, when the reality of 1) working full time at a job where I can't seem to catch a break from the workload anymore (hence my lack of presence on my blog and BG's), 2) missing precious time from Chris because of that job, 3) Hubby's boss wanting to move his office over an hour away to "save money" when he already is getting home after 8 pm most nights now, 4) my parents annual holiday brew-ha-ha's starting up early and 5) my stomach not wanting to behave itself (nope, the Lorazepam has done nothing other than to make feel like a dopehead all day long - so I stopped taking it and went back to the Librax), I feel like my hopes of TTC again are falling through the cracks. I see that carrot dangling in front of my face and someone/something keeps reeling it back away from me. My major medical issues - the reasons for my m/c's - to TTC again are falling into place better than we had hoped - but the other areas of my life that were keeping me "sane" are being pulled apart.

I want to TTC again so much... I want to make that one last "college try" before giving this part of my life up. I want to give Chris the best shot at having a sibling - something that Hubby has always wanted for himself and never was able to truly have. I want to have another child to hold, love and share my life with.

But, as each new obsticle pops up that I am not expecting, I am beginning to really question why I want to keep trying. Maybe I should just throw in the towel now and relieve some of the pressure off of myself? Maybe I should just say F*^& all the obsticles and follow the plans we have made?

I just don't know anymore. I knew that the pressure was going to mount as we got closer to our goal of TTC again...but, I hoped I could handle it better. I am not. I am that much closer to calling this part of my life over as we approach TTC time again, and I am waiting for the Wheel to land on "Bankrupt." I am that much closer to the possibility of another miscarriage - or a living sibling for Chris - or ending this ride for good. I just am not sure what to do anymore.

Pics from the wedding!

Finally, I am in for a few minutes to post pics from the wedding last Sunday - can't believe it was a week ago already, and Suzi and Mike are coming home tonight from the honeymoon. Yikes!

Enjoy!

Can you tell how Chris felt about the idea of a tux??


Waiting for Mommy to arrive... I haven't seen her all day!


Our entrance (I am paired with Hubby's cousin, the bride's brother)...first in the procession:


Closer-up of Chris:


Suzi and Mike, waiting for the real service to begin:


After the "I Do's" - we are LEGAL!


The happy couple (can you believe she is 18 weeks PG!):


Our entrance into the reception:


Will the real Chris, please stand up!


My favorite pic from the entire night:


There will be more, better pics once Suzi gets them from the photographer... Until then, enjoy these!

Just realized it has almost been a year...

...since I lost my second angel. November 22, 2005 at 9:30 am.

I can't believe how different my life is now - and how different it should have been. With everything going on the past few weeks, it kinda snuck up on me and I am not prepared to face it. I am not ready to face this day - maybe my bosses will let us out early for the holiday so I can take a few minutes for myself...

I hate this....

Updates, Updates and Updates...and crappy workload!

I am FINALLY getting back to post an update after the "wedding of the century" (which, by the way, went very well.... Will post pics of Chris in his monkey suit very soon (he looked very smashing!).

I am just "down" at the moment because this is the first time I have had the chance to either post here or on my BG's in more than 2 weeks! Work has been kicking my ass like crazy - everything is a priority, everything needed to be done yesterday...and some of it is because others involved in the projects NOT at Rutgers have dragged their feet on their jobs, which turn it into a rush for me. It is very aggrivating - not to mention, I feel like I am dropping the ball on my end and things are falling through the cracks, which is not how I like to work. The stress is the highest it has been in a long time here, and it's not going to get any easier until well into the new year - just in time for me to get back into TTC. Something has to give here...just not sure what. So, I hope that, now that the wedding is over, maybe I can at least post on the weekends...

For now, on to the updates I can get to today...

In my "Update to "...Lets keep the good news a'rollin' in!"" post from 9/27, I went over where I stood with my current bloodwork... Here is how all of that stands now with the bloodwork I had done on 10/27 (Dr. D was holding the bloodwork results "hostage" until we met for our TTC consult on Monday night...more on that and the appointment with the other upper-GI doc after the results of all of the bloodletting):

For the MTHFR issues (which is the BIGGIE with TTC again and the #1 factor in my miscarriages thus far):

Homocysteine levels:

• from May: 10.8
• from August: 15.3
• from October 27: 3.9
• average range limits: 3.3-10.4 (although the limits on the 10/27 bloodwork says limits are 5.0-12.0, and I am below that!).

WhooHoooo! This is the BEST news I could have received on Monday! That means that the Folgard I have been taking since August 30th has really been working and, although according to one range I am low, it puts me in a great position to TTC again without complications!

For Thyroid issues:

TSH:

• from July 15: 2.555
• from August 15: 1.964
• from September 22: 2.012
• from October 27: 2.204
  
• Average range limits: 0.350-5.500

T3:

• from July 15: Not run
• from August 15: 26
• from September 22: 24
• from October 27: 33
• Average range limits: 24-39

T4:

• from July 15: 12.1
• from August 15: 13.6
• from September 22: 7.2
• from October 27: 7.1
• Average range limits: 4.5-12.0

Free T4:

• from July 15: not run
• from August 15: 3.5
• from September 22: 1.07
• from October 27: 2.3
• Average range limits: 1.2-4.9

As far as the thyroid stuff is concerned, I am still well within average limits despite the elevated anti-thyroid antibodies (which was not tested this time around), but I am still above the 2.0 TSH mark that Dr. S (the endocrinologist) wants it to be before Janaury. I have yet to speak to her about the results (I am going to call her today to confirm she received the results of the bloodwork) - but, I am sure that after it is re-tested at the end of this month, it still won't be below 2.0 and I will probably have to start taking meds for that. That is the crappy news, but not necessarily terrible because Dr. D still feels she is "nickle and diming" the number - although he will still defer to her on how she wants to handle it.

CD 3 Hormone check:

FSH:

from October 27: 4.7
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 2.5-10.2

LH:

from October 27: 10.1
Average range limits (in follicular phase): 1.9-12.5

So, as always, I am well within average ranges - despite the irregular cycles. Gotta love it!

Now, onto the nitty-gritty of the doctors' visits from Monday:

I met with Dr. Stef on 11/13 around 3 pm. I had seen him before I got PG with Chris because I was crampy all of the time and Dr. D wanted me to see him to rule out intestinal issues - of course, I had the lovely scope done then (with anesthesia, of course!) and found I had a few Diverticuliti (not a big deal right now and quite common, unless it develops into Diverticulitis later on - which means scoping every 5 years - yuck!) and IBS. I explained what has been going on since April/May/June with the stomach pressure and nausea/vomiting episodes and how Dr. R did nothing about it (and how Dr. McC had to step in and put me on Librax to ease it off). He said what I have is called Gastritis/Gastro-Dyspepsia. He is pulling me off Librax and putting me back on Ativan/Lorazepam....again. If you recall from the spring, Lorazepam is what was suspected in triggering the GERD issues - so, I am not quite thrilled about trying it again for that reason, not to mention it is ALSO a Category C-D drug for pregnancy: Known fetal risks.

Although I am rather hesitant to take it again, the one thing he did that Dr. R didn't do was schedule a real follow-up on December 4th to see if the Lorazepam is working. If it is, but is causing GERD again, he will add in Aciphex again to stop that until the Gastritis ceases. He assured me we have plenty of time before January to get this really corrected so we can get back to TTC. It was a good appointment...now, I just have to make the switch of meds, which I will do over the weekend since Lorazepam used to knock me out cold!

Hubby and I met later in the evening (around 7 pm) with Dr. D for the TTC consult, which went extremely well!

He is thrilled to see the homocysteine levels way down - and, told me that there is a new prenatal vitamin coming out that is made specifically for issues like mine, which he will switch me to once my current prescription runs out. So, I should only need one pill instead of two.

We discussed the baby aspirin/blood thinners idea and he said for now, not to take them. He may add in baby aspirin once I am PG because he has read all of the new studies too and it might be a good benefit for me after I am PG. But, taking into consideration my current stomach issues, he thinks taking it would be more detrimental to implantation than beneficial for the MTHFR issues. My homocystein, which is the real culprite for me since I am not testing positive for any other clotting disorders, is his main concern and it is down so well, he doesn't feel I need anything more right now. So, I stopped taking it as of Tuesday.

ETA: I did talk to Dr. D about my stomach issues and the meds I am on for that, since I had just seen Dr. Stef earlier in the day. Although lorazepam is a Category C-D drug for PG, he said it is not the worst of meds to be on getting PG. If the lorazepam works to help my stomach and I am still taking it when I get PG, I will need to come off it - and, if my stomach starts raging again, he will work with Dr. Stef to see what med would be safe to take when I am PG. So, that helps my reservations a bit about the lorazepam...for now. He does, however, want to make sure my stomach is better BEFORE starting TTC - if it is not, he wants to hold off until it is. Otherwise, how can I eat well, right?

He is going to check into the BC/BS High-Risk OB Managed Care program for me - if he can enroll me now so every doc is on the same page, he will. If enrollment has to wait until I am finally PG, he will make sure that happens right away. This is most important because Dr. McC's office staff are not the most compitent folks you could ever run across and he too has had problems getting messages to the doctors. So, he wants to make sure fluid communication is happening for me too.

We went over our TTC limits and, although he glad to see we have discussed this, he doesn't feel we will have to get to that point. He told me about one of his patients who had 9 miscarriages in between child #1 and #2 and he said that, statistically, she would eventually have a healthy pregnancy. But, he said that it got to the point where at each 8-week u/s, he had to tell her the baby was no longer living and she would go home to miscarry. He could never find out what the issue was - and she did eventually have child #2. But, he said that after a while, he couldn't understand how many more times she was going to put herself through it and was going to suggest that she stop TTC, at least for a while anyway. He is glad that for us, he will never have to force us to stop - we are looking at this in the right frame of mind and with the best of intentions for the perfect little guy we do have with it. It was very refreshing for him to hear that.

Last, but not least, we discussed the dreaded "protocol" for January...

He is giving us more say in how the cycle protocols, which is wonderful because we do have limits in place on how far we are willing to go. He gave us two options: Either try Clomid again for up to 4 cycles (number of cycles is up to us) and then move on to injectibles, or go straight to injectibles.

The drawbacks to going straight to injectibles are 1) he would chose to refer us out to the St. Barnabas IF clinic so I could be monitored more closely and in conjunction with the MFM clinic; 2) the chances of hyperstimulation are greater: If I did hyperstim, then that may mean a forced TTC break again, which we want to avoid; and 3) I would be responsible for injecting myself with the stims and the trigger (which, really, is no big deal in my world...but then again, I am responsible for doing it at the right time every day).

The drawbacks to trying Clomid again are that 1) we don't know what kind of reaction I will have to it - will it be like the previous cycles or better like when I conceived Chris? and 2) I will have to do OPKs in addition to his u/s monitoring - and I wanted to minimize the amount of "charting" I had to do on my own.

But, what I have in my HUGE favor right now is that I have lost 30-35 pounds since we first started TTC in 7/05 - which can make a big difference in how Clomid works. I weigh less than I did when I got PG with Chris on 50 mg Clomid - and he will be starting me off on 100 mg from the start this time around, if that is what we chose to do.

So, we decided to give Clomid one more chance - 2-3 cycles at most, starting at 100 mg and if that 1st cycle doesn't work, then moving on to the next 1-2 cycles on 150 mg. If that doesn't work, then we will move on to injectibles and do the referral to the clinic. All I have to do now is get a period in late December/early January and then we will be off and running....

...Of course, I highly doubt I will get a period on my own, so I am betting on needing Provera. But, sneaky me....HeeeHeee....didn't mention I still have the 9 Provera pills left that I didn't use because I got my period on my own this cycle after taking the first pill. So, if I don't have a period by Christmas day, my gift to me this year will be taking those 9 Provera pills and bringing on my own period - I just have to call and ask for the Clomid script before Christmas. just in case it starts early (Dr. D's office closed between Christmas and New Year's). HeeeHee!

So, the first step to all of this now is making sure my stomach rebounds and calms down... Keep your fingers crossed because we have 45 days until 2007 - and I would love to see a healthy BFP for my birthday on January 23rd!

Song for the Moment: Rhythm of Hope

...Back from picking up the dress (which looks faboo now that the boobs are puckering in the middle!) and had to post this song.

I love songs that take you a while to really unravel their meaning... The true depth of the song comes to you when you are experiencing the same thing as you listen to it. I have had the album Tribe since 2003, randomly spinning in the car for a while. But, on my way back from the bridal shop, as I was skipping through the CD changer, I came across the following song:


RHYTHM OF HOPE
By Queensryche

Lying here awake again.
Minutes before dawn I hear your breathing,
your heart beat like a song.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little less then good but
seeing things for the first time like I never could.

I’ve had my head down against the door,
trying to get to something I couldn’t find before.
That special something, that feeds my soul,
is a rhythm to live by, it’s a rhythm of hope.

Something drives us onwards.
Something gives us strength.
What makes our judgment falter is the questions we think.
Who am I to fly so high?
What gives me the right to dream of what could be,
keep reaching for the light?

I’ve been standing in front of that door,
basing my happiness on what’ I knew before.
Searching for something that moves my soul.
A rhythm to hold to, a rhythm to live to.

Have you been down like this before?
I guarantee there’s something waiting for you just open that door.
A rhythm to live by, that moves your soul.
A rhythm that holds you.
A rhythm to live to.

And if there’s one thing we all need now,
it’s a rhythm to live by, a rhythm of hope.

Lying here awake again.


Sure fits where I am right now... Trying to find my rhythm of hope. I have spent so long comparing how things have went before recurrent loss entered my world to how they are now, and it only squashes the hope out of my soul.

As I write out my list of questions for Dr. D on Monday, I am wondering if I should just abandon that list like I am abandoning temping and charting - and just let be what will be. Maybe that is where my hope needs to be.

** Also, please say a special prayer for Zia today... She is having her FET this afternoon, and I am wishing, praying, hoping that she finds herself knocked up in 2 weeks. It's her time... **

Gearing up for Monday's TTC Consult...and other stuff

It has been a rather hectic week... Between the windfall at work and mahem of Suzi's wedding on Sunday, there hasn't been much room to breathe these days.

Where to begin...where to begin...

Hubby and I have been clashing a lot recently... Between trying to get things settled for the wedding (like tux fitting for Chris, dress fittings for me, finding shoes, yada, yada, yada) and Hubby's whacked-out work schedule, there has been no time for "us" at all.

He got home from work on Monday night at 10 pm - and, of course, Chris would not go to sleep for me. So, I got absolutely nothing done Monday night. I was flippin mad: He doesn't make that much more than I do right now, and I only have a bachelor's degree that I don't even use. He's not getting paid overtime for this...and the attorney he works for, at least to me at this point, it totally using him for his own agendas. The guy doesn't want to drop any of the cases he is working on - it's an ego thing at this point - so, with only a two-person practice, that puts a huge load onto Hubby. The guy can't pay Hubby more right now because he needs to collect fees from his clients - and, for whatever reason, he is hesitant to do it. So, Hubby is doing triple the work he did at his old firm for 75% of that pay. Doesn't seem fair at all.

Hubby went on a job interview last Friday - looked soooo promising: 8-5 pm, great salary, health benefits equivalant to mine at Rutgers, gym on-site. It was a primo job - and he had "an in" there, since one of the other attorneys he used to work with at the State now works there. Would have been my first chance to cut back to part time, and keep great IF benefits. But, he got an e-mail - YES, an E-MAIL - on Monday afternoon saying that they chose someone else because Hubby had "too much litigation experience." WTF??? He busted his butt to get that experience, to only have it bite him back and be a negative? What gives on that?

I was so upset - not only for him that he didn't get the job, but for me that I am back to the never ending cycle of full-time work at a job an hour away - that I barely spoke to him on Monday. I know it wasn't his fault....but I took it out on him anyway, and I feel bad for that. But, Hubby, being the ever-understanding person that he can be through my emotional ups and downs, sent me the following on Tuesday to my office:





He is such a sweetie. ...And, of course, I had to apologize for my rather child-like behavior.

We also found out yesteday that Hubby's former boss at his State job in Newark was killed yesterday... It was quite a blow, since he was such a nice man. They are investigating it as a possible suicide - which we absolutely do not believe is what happened - because he fell off the platform of the Bridgewater train station and was struck by a train not scheduled to stop. We are waiting to hear what happened - for real. And, we are waiting to hear about funeral plans and such... What a loss this is. He was the one instrumental in getting Hubby into counseling for his own personal "deamons" from childhood. He was just a nice man: Mentor, friend.

Work has been absolutely crazy - there are just too many jobs to do, and everything is a priority. I knew this was coming - how could it not when you have a Director and three other Associate Directors (or minions) coming at you with "urgent" jobs to take care of. Not to mention, the lack of good communication between the four of them! This is the first time in the 8+ years I have worked here where I feel like I am making mistakes and can't keep up. The worst part? We have no one to pawn jobs off to - our office is too small and we are all overloaded. And, it is only going to get worse in January when we get our DHS grant - JUST in time for me to get back into TTC! Yippee!

I also found out how V from my pervious post (see post on How can a "habitual aborter" ever think this way??) had her miscarriage - which makes me feel even worse for the thoughts I have been having over the entire thing. She was on her way in to work and stopped into Dunkin Donuts. While on line, she started getting terrible cramps and an urge to use the bathroom. She went into the bathroom and miscarried right in the D&D ladies room. It's bad enough she had to miscarry in the first place, but to have to do so in such a public place, alone, is just not right. Add to that, her fiance didn't support her all that much, which really made her crash. They have patched things up a bit for now - seems like he just didn't know what to say. But, that sure doesn't sound like much hope for that relationship now. I will see her for the first time on Saturday night at the rehearsal dinner... How does one handle that?

We saw Zia's show in Red Bank on Friday (she is in 1776). It was fabulous! Never saw the show before - and, besides the entertainment factor, it was quite the history lesson. Zia is just sooooo talented... I wish she would consider trying the big time someday, KWIM? She has a voice that is just amazing, and it is too good not to share.

As for wedding stuff... in a little more than 48 hours, it will ALL BE OVER! WooHoo! I am excited for Suzi, but the mega planning in less than two months has caused my MIL, Cookoo (Hubby's aunt and mom of the bride) and Rocky (Hubby's grandmother) to clash like I have never seen before. Amazing what one event can do...

Anywways, it was a bit of a battle to get Chris fitted for his tuxedo - the second he saw the tape measure (a la the pediatrician's office), he started crying. We took him back on Wednesday night for a fitting...and of course, the second he recognized the building, the waterworks began. But, he did okay and the tux fits fine. Now, we are having an issue with him even wanting to carry the pillow down the isle....that is, if he will even go down the isle!! My IL's are trying to train him right now.

I am picking up my dress today over lunch. Went for another fitting yesterday (with our poor System Administrator in tow since we had to carpool yesterday - his wife's car was in the shop) and I still had a stupid bubble appearing in the boob area. NEVER had that happen before...but, since losing the 35 pounds I lost, I went down from a 40 cup to a 34 cup! So, it figures this would be a problem now. But, it should be done and ready to go today.

And, we can add to all of the wedding hoopla the pre-holiday agruments of my parents (gotta love it!). My father is insisting he needs a hip replacement surgery NOW, which means disability pay and my mom getting upset over the bills getting paid. My sister and I are trying to brainstorm on how this is all going to work out - that is, when we can talk since she is busy with her life too.

Phew! Talk about an update! So, let's add more stress to the pile, why don't we?

After we recover from the wedding on Sunday, I go to see the other gastroenterologist in my GP's office at 2:45 pm (Dr. Stef). I am hoping we can finally figure out, once and for all, why my stomach is still a mess. Don't get me wrong - it's been MUCH, MUCH better since being on the Librax. But, I can't take Librax while TTC/PG (it's a Category C drug - known to cause birth defects in babies), so we have to figure out another way to manage it, and why I am having such a problem in the first place. This guy is goooood! So, I hope I have some answers on Monday.

Also on Monday evening is my TTC consult with Dr. D. I have already started my list of questions (including referals for a hemotologist and baby aspirin/bloodthinners while PG) to present to him, and to give him my reservations on using Clomid again. I am very nervous about this appointment... Just don't know what I am going to get in terms of hope for starting again. At least he has the bloodwork that was done on October 27th - so, finding out the results of all of that should at least give us a starting point.

Probably won't be able to post until after the wedding... Here's to all of us having a good time, and I will post pics on Monday!

How can a "habitual aborter" ever think this way??

...And I mean this about MYSELF!!!

In my post No one told me to take the water filter off out tap... on October 3rd, I wrote about how two of Suzi's friends (a long-time girlfriend and a long-time guy friend's new girlfriend) found out they were both pregnant, due only a few weeks after Suzi.

Unfortunately, I was told this morning that V (Suzi's friend from kindergarten, whom I have known as long as Suzi has since I met Suzi right before she started school) had a miscarriage yesterday. She would have been about 10 weeks along this week. She had a lot of cramping yesterday morning and started bleeding heavily, so she went to the ER and apparently miscarried while she was there. No one has heard from her since yesterday afternoon...not surprising, I suppose. After I had to go back and tell people about my miscarriages, I really didn't want to talk to anybody either...

I feel terribly about the news... A surprise pregnancy that could have meant a huge positive change in V's life, now lost. I spoke to Suzi earlier today and told her that if she does speak to V at some point today, to tell her that she can call me any time if she needs anything. I've been through this more than I ever imagined I would be. No one deserves to have to walk this road of sorrow and pain - even if the pregnancy happened at "the worst possible time" in someone's life.

But, here's the part that I can't understand about myself - especially after having been down this road several times myself and having the stigma of being referred to as a "habitual aborter" in my medical charts: I have some strange feelings of relief that this happened to V.

V has always had the potential to be a "nice" girl - Whitty, pretty, outgoing, smart. But, she also has some traits that are not very becoming: She is a "player" with men, dabbles in drinking/drugs here and there when out at clubs, is a "user" to get what she wants (even at the expense of friends at times), can be irreponsible when asked to do something. She has chosen to live her life way more risque than anyone else in Suzi's circle of friends. Although V has been dating her fiance (whom she just got engaged to after finding out she was pregnant and currently has a January 2007 wedding planned) for 5 years, she has cheated on him all along - and has told Suzi and their other friends about the various "rolls through the hay" she has had. Who's to say she hasn't picked up an STD from one of the guys she has been with? She actually wasn't even sure if the baby was her fiance's to begin with...although she never told him that.

I know that this feeling of relief that the baby has gone to a better place is very wrong - It is not like me at all to think this way, yet I am in this case. Is it because I am very jealous that she managed to get herself knocked up so easily when the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are razor slim? Is it because her lifestyle up until now has been one that would not have fostered the best enviroment for a baby? Or for her own health, for that matter? Why am I thinking this way?

I don't like how these thoughts are creeping in to my head... It is not right. Especially now that my faith is coming back to me. Or, is it if I am having these thoughts?

I do believe people have the capacity to change - and maybe she might have changed, had this baby not been lost. But, what if she didn't change? Would it have been a good life for this child to have to live with? Is it for the best that this baby be in a much more peaceful place than the turmoil of V's current life?

It's not my right to judge this, yet I am. It is not my right to say who's deserving of a healthy pregnancy who is not. And, shame on me for doing it. It is amazing how your life experiences can taint your ways of thinking...

I feel for her...I really do. I just wish I could shut off these judgemental thoughts...