Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Giving Thanks...and why I don't feel as strong as others think I am

I received a very special Thank You card in the mail late last week from D, who has been trying to sort through the loss of her daughter at 20 weeks. To quote a small part of the note:

"Thank you so much for all that you have done for me. You have helped me more than you know. All your advice, blogs - everything - has really helped. You have been through a lot also and you have such a positive attitude."
D: Thank you for the note. I appreciate it more than you realize. During your time of sorrow and pain (a pain I will never truly understand but will always support you through), I never expected to receive such a sweet note. Thank you.

In that vein, I need to give MAJOR Thanks to some special people I have come across over the past year who have truly helped me through my pain and have always been there for me when I needed it:

Fellow bloggers (outside my BG's):
  • Cat at House of Miao
  • Melissa at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
  • ...and all of the ladies who write miscarriage blogs that I read when I can (in my side-bar). All of our situations are different - but the feelings of loss, anger and emptiness are woven through each and every blog I read. I have learned so much from you - about strength, compassion, pain, anger, frustration, education - you have touch my heart even without ever having met in person.

BG's (including some of the ladies who blog):
  • Mother's Day Maybe's on FFriend
  • Working Mommies on C-Moms
  • Ladies On Hold For A Blessing on C-Moms
  • NY/NJ Mommies on FFamily
  • ...and a good number of the ladies on the TTC After Loss boards on FFriend. We have all been together through good times and bad - and have for the most part, never met in person either - and the support through the past year has been breathtaking. Thank you for all you have done to help me through this.

In my personal life:
  • Hubby
  • Zia
  • Cookoo Auntie
  • My mom
  • My sister
  • My IL's
  • M&J
  • K&B
  • ...all of you have helped in so many different ways - either just listening, or sharing personal experiences. No amount of words can show how much I am grateful to all of you. You have shown me what true friendship means - and have allowed me my space when I needed it, or pushed me to force feeling out when they had to come out.
Without all of you (and others I know I am forgetting to mention) touching my life in some way - whether it be a phone call, a hug, a laugh, a quick PM or e-mail, a comment on my blog - my heart would still be a mess. I have learned so much from all of you, and since my mind is a little more focused at this Thanksgiving than last year (or not), I can actually say Thank You. You mean the world to me.

But, in getting back to D's note...

I sometimes feel like I am caught between "generations": the generation of my parents, IL's and those before them who grew up in a time when you didn't talk about anything, and the generation just after me where you can talk about everything openly and freely. From the older generation, I have learned to I hide my pain too well...to the extent that sometimes hurtful comments get made and only I feel they are hurtful. From the younger generation, I have "outed" myself to the world when it comes to my losses and my IF - I wear my Pregnancy and Infant Loss band daily, and have a support ribbon on my car (and have already been asked about it). Loss will always be a part of me, whether it be now or when I am 80 years old, so why hide it. Still, I don't feel as positive as some people think I am, and I certainly don't feel that strong either. Learning to manage the pain and hurt through counseling, and writing about it here, has definitely made me stronger - but, sometimes I still feel like I want to curl away from everyone. It depends upon the day...

Tomorrow will be a year from my second loss...and as much as I have come to accept it and am at peace with it, I still have tears to let out and sadness to face. I miss my babies so much - always wondering what they would be doing now, had God allowed them to be here with me. The hurt is very hard to hide sometimes. Any given day, any given moment, a reminder of the babies that were not meant to grace this world come up - sometimes when I am alone, sometimes when others are around. I know my mind and heart will always fall back a step when I am faced with the reality of it. I know it is "normal" to feel this way...but even with reading how far I have come in my bloggings, I sometimes feel "stuck." And, I hate that feeling.

I am trying to stay positive about the future - about TTC again. But, when the reality of 1) working full time at a job where I can't seem to catch a break from the workload anymore (hence my lack of presence on my blog and BG's), 2) missing precious time from Chris because of that job, 3) Hubby's boss wanting to move his office over an hour away to "save money" when he already is getting home after 8 pm most nights now, 4) my parents annual holiday brew-ha-ha's starting up early and 5) my stomach not wanting to behave itself (nope, the Lorazepam has done nothing other than to make feel like a dopehead all day long - so I stopped taking it and went back to the Librax), I feel like my hopes of TTC again are falling through the cracks. I see that carrot dangling in front of my face and someone/something keeps reeling it back away from me. My major medical issues - the reasons for my m/c's - to TTC again are falling into place better than we had hoped - but the other areas of my life that were keeping me "sane" are being pulled apart.

I want to TTC again so much... I want to make that one last "college try" before giving this part of my life up. I want to give Chris the best shot at having a sibling - something that Hubby has always wanted for himself and never was able to truly have. I want to have another child to hold, love and share my life with.

But, as each new obsticle pops up that I am not expecting, I am beginning to really question why I want to keep trying. Maybe I should just throw in the towel now and relieve some of the pressure off of myself? Maybe I should just say F*^& all the obsticles and follow the plans we have made?

I just don't know anymore. I knew that the pressure was going to mount as we got closer to our goal of TTC again...but, I hoped I could handle it better. I am not. I am that much closer to calling this part of my life over as we approach TTC time again, and I am waiting for the Wheel to land on "Bankrupt." I am that much closer to the possibility of another miscarriage - or a living sibling for Chris - or ending this ride for good. I just am not sure what to do anymore.

1 comment:

dianne said...

YAY! I made the blog! I feel so special :) And my thank you did not do your "services" justice. I really appreciate everything. And i know you have days where you feel stronger and more positive about things, I know I do... its the days where we just want to cry- throw things and curl up in a ball that are the worst! I am at the point where I feel-- Am I ever going to feel normal again or is the rest of my life going to be lots of time being upset and angry?
Who knows!
Your little girl angel is in my heart- she is up there taking care of Leah because Leah is younger and she needs a "big sis" to take care of her. Of course we wish this werent the way but it is what it is :(
and it may seem silly and not the point of your blog, but I want every minute Leah was with me to be counted as precious and she was with me for 24 weeks.... I miss her so much.. I am going to go cuddle with my son....