You think you know me...

...but I don't always know myself - not anymore.

Hubby and I had to come to the hard decision last night that, for now, we are

...again.

I just cannot take the anxiety attacks that I am getting - and, after starting the Xanex on Thursday night, I know and can identify that is exactly what they are - Anxiety attacks. Not Thyroid (although it could still be an issue - my TSH never got tested on 12/4 by the lab, so it was re-ordered today). Not Gastritis (although that is what my anxiety manifests itself as). Anxiety. Anxiety is the ruler of my life right now and for the sake of Chris, my family as it is right now, and myself, I need to beat this before we even attempt TTC again.

Here are how most of my days go....and how my anxiety usually starts:

5 am: Wake up, fatigued. Jump in the shower and get dressed for work.
6 am: Scoff down breakfast and get my things together for work.
7 am: Kiss Chris goodbye (who is usually sleeping still) as I walk out the door.
8:30 am: Start work...with God knows how many e-mails to sift through.

Then, the anxiety begins to build as new projects at work come up...almost always urgent.

4:00 pm: Hubby has no idea what time he will be home from work...and when I try to find out, he either doesn't answer the cell phone or I get an "I don't know... *insert guessed time here*." That helps.

4:30 pm: Fight the hour traffic to get home...usually a back up by the toll plaza. Sometimes worse on the days I carpool (for the $100 free gas card, thank you Middlesex County, NJ!).

6 pm: Try to eat a dinner...that probably is not going to sit well.

7 pm: Guessing when Hubby will be home???

8 pm: Bath time for Chris...maybe with Hubby, maybe not.

8:30 pm: Bedtime for Chris.

The rest of the night is a blur... Putting things together for Chris for the next day... Maybe Hubby and I get a chance to talk...if I am not so exhausted that I go to bed at 9 pm.

So, how exactly does my anxiety manifest itself for me? Well, it starts with my heart racing...like it is going to beat out of my chest at any second. Then, my hands begin to shake...forget doing anything like sewing a sock because my hands are not steady enough to do it. My body begins to ache...like I am getting sick with the flu, sometimes with a dash of fever-ish feelings and body shaking. Then, my stomach begins to tighten....like there is a vice slowly, steadily turning around my braline. Once that starts, then I get a tickle in the back of my throat and I feel like I am going to be sick to my stomach, yet again.

Nice way to live, right??

Isn't it amazing how people on the outside think you have it all together? Even I thought I had it all together. They think I can do it all...yet I cannot even seem to enjoy my son's smiles or belly laughs or antics at times because I feel like I am going to hurl at any second?

This is why I need to take a break - again.

I had a very long conversation with Dr. McC last night over the phone. What a nice man he is...especially now.

Sure, Xanex is working - to a point. It has taken the edge off of some of it. But, on days that are really stressful - like Monday night when I had it out with Hubby over him not picking up his cell phone when he told me he would be home around 7 pm (Hello?? He was home after 8:30 pm and had no idea where he was!) or like Tuesday when I was getting thrown urgent project after urgent project at me because one Associate Director is leaving for the holiday and things have to get done before she leaves (and I have a Christmas party for the department to prep for).

So, he feels that I need something else with Xanex... And this is what I will be taking:

• 5 mg Lexapro in the morning (at least for now...we will see how the doseage goes)
• .25 mg Xanex if I feel symtoms start during the day (not all of the time, though - have to be cautious of that one since we all know Xanex can be habit forming!)
• .5 mg Xanex before bedtime

I start this tomorrow...hoping it will be in full effect for the holidays. I need it to be because the last time we all got together (Thanksgiving), I couldn't eat.

Did I mention I am down to 145 lbs?? Even I think I look to damn thin! Nice way to loose the weight?

So, I called Dr. D and told him that, for now, TTC is off and he has more free time for another patient. He said he will be ready for me when I am - and to be kind to myself. I'll try.

It is official... I am on another break and have no idea when - or if - we will go back to it.

Wasn't I here before with this decision? I feel like I am constantly on a see-saw with this.

I know that, medically, I can TTC with Lexapro but Xanex is a no-no. The goal is to get me off the Xanex. But, I don't nor won't TTC until I can be myself again and enjoy my life again (and, let's face it, I need all parents in better health too!).

Until we make that decision to go back to TTC...I am having fun counting all of the prescription bottles I have collected in 2006 - a whopping 12 various medications (from sleep aids - to anti-spasmotic stomach medications - to Provera - to things that are supposed to help me prevent another miscarriage)! When in the hell did I ever keep Walgreens that busy??? What exactly can you do with those bottles that could be creative??

I miss being me...

** Ya know, Dr. P (my counselor) said to me in my last session "People know exactly what kind of worker you are within ten minutes of meeting you." I didn't totally get that statement at the time...but I get it now. It goes back to my control freak issues...issues that, maybe, I am getting to old to deal with?

There used to be a time that I could handle all of this pressure - I worked better with it. Back in January 2003, my mom got really sick with a kidney stone, my dad needed knee surgery right at the same time, work was crazy (maybe not as bad as it is now, though) and my FIL was still dealing with the foot wound he has now, we were looking for a house to buy....and we were TTC (that is, of course, before Dr. D stepped in for the punt). Why was I able to handle all of that almost 4 years ago? And why can't I handle all of this now???

....The only thing I can think of is that none of those hurdles were more "personal" than the loss of my babies...and I am only figuring it out now. Losing my angels was/is the biggest blow to my soul I have ever had - physically and emotionally. And maybe this is the first time I am really acknowledging it....and dealing with it. I thought I had all of this under control - and maybe that was the "facade" I was creating for myself to show the world. Yep, I can handle this....like everything else. But, I can't. I really can't.

...But, that weakness makes me feel like I am a whiner... Why can't I just suck it up and move on? Why can't I just heal? There are others out there who have their battles to overcome: Mommies who can't bring their babies home yet from the NICU because they are not strong enough to come home (even at Christmas), mommies dealing with special care for their children above and beyond anything I can ever imagine, ladies who are praying and pleading with God to let their PG's stick and go the 40 weeks it takes to bring a healthy baby into the world, ladies going through their first holiday season with loss in their lives, ladies who have yet to know the joys of being a mommy and are denied that joy time and time again and again.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I have a beautiful son that is growing up so fast in front of my eyes, and I am just wracked with things I can't seem to handle....things I SHOULD be able to handle. This should be the best time of my life...but there are things holding me back from it.

Maybe I can't heal because, no matter what, I have to plan to try to get PG again? I don't have that "luxury" of saying "Hubby, I'm ovulating so let's hit it?" I can't ever relax in the TTC process because I need drugs to ovulate....and IUI to better my chances of conceiving a sticky bean (all three attempts at a "natural cycle" have all produce my angels, after all). I have to plan to plan to TTC....and it is a HUGE Catch 22....one that I cannot seem to reconcile. This alone is probably one of those "hidden" stressors that is undermining my "plans." I have to plan to TTC...but as that date gets closer, I start to stress out with: "What if I can't get PG with what I got PG with before" (I've been down that road with the failed 7/05 50 mg Clomid cycle)... "What if this cycle is a "winner" and I miscarry again." "Will I make it past 9 weeks this time?" "Can I handle another miscarriage?" "Can my family handle another miscarriage."

It's a vicious cycle that I cannot get my self out of. Anyone have advice on how to do that??

So, for now - until I can reconcile how I feel (and I mean for real this time), my primary goal is to be me again....like I was before TTC ever entered my life. To laugh again. To enjoy the little joys again. To want to be a part of things again. To enjoy my life - although it is not what I had wanted to myself - again. To live in the moment and enjoy the little things that Chris finds so amazing - again.

I miss enjoying my time with Chris...

Know what I am doing right now? Working my first day of work at home (which has been heavenly) - wearing my Chris' policeman helmet he felt I needed to wear today while working.

This alone has made today beautiful...time for me to play...