How can a "habitual aborter" ever think this way??

...And I mean this about MYSELF!!!

In my post No one told me to take the water filter off out tap... on October 3rd, I wrote about how two of Suzi's friends (a long-time girlfriend and a long-time guy friend's new girlfriend) found out they were both pregnant, due only a few weeks after Suzi.

Unfortunately, I was told this morning that V (Suzi's friend from kindergarten, whom I have known as long as Suzi has since I met Suzi right before she started school) had a miscarriage yesterday. She would have been about 10 weeks along this week. She had a lot of cramping yesterday morning and started bleeding heavily, so she went to the ER and apparently miscarried while she was there. No one has heard from her since yesterday afternoon...not surprising, I suppose. After I had to go back and tell people about my miscarriages, I really didn't want to talk to anybody either...

I feel terribly about the news... A surprise pregnancy that could have meant a huge positive change in V's life, now lost. I spoke to Suzi earlier today and told her that if she does speak to V at some point today, to tell her that she can call me any time if she needs anything. I've been through this more than I ever imagined I would be. No one deserves to have to walk this road of sorrow and pain - even if the pregnancy happened at "the worst possible time" in someone's life.

But, here's the part that I can't understand about myself - especially after having been down this road several times myself and having the stigma of being referred to as a "habitual aborter" in my medical charts: I have some strange feelings of relief that this happened to V.

V has always had the potential to be a "nice" girl - Whitty, pretty, outgoing, smart. But, she also has some traits that are not very becoming: She is a "player" with men, dabbles in drinking/drugs here and there when out at clubs, is a "user" to get what she wants (even at the expense of friends at times), can be irreponsible when asked to do something. She has chosen to live her life way more risque than anyone else in Suzi's circle of friends. Although V has been dating her fiance (whom she just got engaged to after finding out she was pregnant and currently has a January 2007 wedding planned) for 5 years, she has cheated on him all along - and has told Suzi and their other friends about the various "rolls through the hay" she has had. Who's to say she hasn't picked up an STD from one of the guys she has been with? She actually wasn't even sure if the baby was her fiance's to begin with...although she never told him that.

I know that this feeling of relief that the baby has gone to a better place is very wrong - It is not like me at all to think this way, yet I am in this case. Is it because I am very jealous that she managed to get herself knocked up so easily when the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are razor slim? Is it because her lifestyle up until now has been one that would not have fostered the best enviroment for a baby? Or for her own health, for that matter? Why am I thinking this way?

I don't like how these thoughts are creeping in to my head... It is not right. Especially now that my faith is coming back to me. Or, is it if I am having these thoughts?

I do believe people have the capacity to change - and maybe she might have changed, had this baby not been lost. But, what if she didn't change? Would it have been a good life for this child to have to live with? Is it for the best that this baby be in a much more peaceful place than the turmoil of V's current life?

It's not my right to judge this, yet I am. It is not my right to say who's deserving of a healthy pregnancy who is not. And, shame on me for doing it. It is amazing how your life experiences can taint your ways of thinking...

I feel for her...I really do. I just wish I could shut off these judgemental thoughts...