Besides it being my mom's birthday...today should have been your second birthday as well, our second baby angel.
How my heart misses you... But, with the new set of eyes in our house and so much wonder and knowledge passed through them, I know you are here with us. Protecting our baby Gabriel and our family.
Happy birthday, little one. I love you...and I will never forget the time you were with us.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I truly believe in miracles...
...because my miracle is finally here.
I must apologize for the lag in posting the birth announcement... Time had been short with visitors, getting to know our new baby, and adjusting to life with two children. But, honestly and more importantly, I have been cherishing every second I can get with my boys and the idea of anything regarding the internet or anything else has been the furthest from my mind.
So, on to the news. :)
Gabriel John was born on Monday morning, June 16th at 7:34 am after a rather "rapid" response to the labor induction. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 oz and 21 inches long (very close to Christopher's stats at birth: 7 lbs, 13 oz and 21 1/2 inches long). And, he is just perfect.
Gabriel right after birth...poor thing scratched his face up because of his way longer than mommy's nails!
Chris meeting his baby brother for the first time (excuse my appearance! No make-up allowed for labor induction! And, man! Do I need a haircut!)
My boys...
Chris holding Gabriel at home for the first time. I think this will be forever my most cherished picture of my boys.
To document the wild ride...because, for me, it was... I am going to write out the entire birth story like I did for Christopher. So, I will always remember this very special day...
If you recall, I was told on June 9th that my induction, if labor did not start by June 16th, would take place the night of June 16th. I was to call on June 11th for the details since it had to be put in the L&D schedule at the hospital (they were trying to get me a private room for the induction so I could have Hubby there this time around - see Chris's birth story on my roommate for that part of the induction...). So, I called on June 11th and was told I would get a call back that day - L&D had not put me in to the schedule yet. Friday afternoon, just as I was about to call my doc's office to find out what was going on, I finally got the call back and was told to report to the PET unit on Sunday night, June 15th at 8 pm - one day earlier than we had planned. So, I had to make some phone calls Friday afternoon to change around babysitting duties for Chris.
We spent a quite weekend with Chris...and Hubby and my FIL putting up our fence for the back yard (only took them a year and several threats to do it!). I casually packed my bag...finished some last minute things. And, we were ready!
On Sunday, June 15th, we brought Chris around to my MIL's house at 7 pm for his "sleep over." He was a little upset with us leaving...for which I felt my heart ripping out (this would be the first time away from him for more than just an overnight). I called my MIL about 5 minutes later from the car to make sure he was okay -- he was playing with my FIL and having a snack. So, luckily, that episode was very short lived...and I could calm down with leaving my baby for several days.
We arrived at the hospital and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction (of course, one of the Indiana Jones movies was on in the PET unit as we arrived...a clear sign of things to come for us!). Medical history was taken (which puzzled me a bit since I had figured my medical records would have been transferred from the MFM clinic in the hospital to the PET unit before I got there...and they were not)...and I was checked. Surprisingly, I was 1 cm dilated at arrival...so, there was "some" progress made on my own. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started (to prepare for the Group B Strep antibiotics later in the night and the pitocin for the second stage of induction later in the morning) and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 10:00 pm. I was offered a sleeping pill so I could rest (which I was not offered in Chris' induction)... I wasn't going to take it, but then thought better of it. ;) Even though I did not sleep like a baby, I was able to rest and sleep during the earlier contractions from this stage.
Then, the wait began until the 6:00 am check to see how far along I was. Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - Dr. D did, however, swing the private room for induction and Hubby was able to stay. YEAH! We watched some TV, talked, breathed through some contractions, chastised Hubby for snoring, slept....much better than my last induction experience! Was able to rest up for, well, what was to come...
At 5 am, I woke up very quickly to some very, very strong contractions - all very low, around the intestinal area. As I started breathing through them, I noticed they were very, very close together: about 2-3 minutes apart and they were getting stronger. I woke Hubby and asked him to start helping me out...the contractions were getting way more intense than I had expected, more frequent, and were worse than what I could feel with Chris' induction.
I was examined at 6:15 am - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved, to the surprise of everyone, 6 cm! Orders to move me to L&D were given...and, after a half hour delay, I was finally moving to Labor and Delivery. However, transitioning from the bed to the wheelchair was not easy - the contractions were still getting stronger and closer together. But, I made it and was on my way.
When I got to L&D, well, things get a little hazy here:
...I kept asking for the epidural and kept getting promised it was coming.
...A doctor came to check me and break my water - what her name was, I have no idea. But, I told her to get lost because the contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart and extremely strong and I was NOT moving for her at that time!
...Another doctor came in (Dr. M) and started his "talk" and asking questions...to which I yelled at Hubby to answer them for me.
...I am still waiting for the epidural.
...I am laying on my left side, holding on to the bed rails for dear life as each contraction starts.
...I asked for one of those little pans because, well, I thought I was going to puke from the pain (and praying every second I wouldn't do it). Luckily, I didn't - puking is MUCH worse in my world than anything else!
...I begin to feel a WHOLE bunch of pressure, and realize, well, baby's head is coming out - and I freak and start yelling that, well, "something" is coming out!! Well, neeerrr! How about the baby's head???
Dr. M realizes what is happening and checks me real quick - and pages Dr. D, who is prepping another patient for a scheduled c-section at 8:00 am. He gets the page and can't figure out why it is coming up since I was not in the computer system as being at L&D. He calls in and is told to get down to L&D because I am about to deliver...like, now!
Dr. D's arrival to my L&D room was basically put on the gloves, run over to reach me and deliver Gabriel's head. YIKES!
About all I remember with the pain of the contractions was Dr. D grabbing my hand, putting my left knee in it, and telling me to hold my leg and push...and Gabriel's shoulders and body was delivered. Placenta quickly followed with no pushing.
All happened so, so fast, I don't remember all that much.
Hubby did clue me in to the fact that the epidural showed up as I was delivering Gabriel's head...and the anesthesiologist just turned around and left the room. Lovely.... Did I mentioned my MIL is having an epidural Tuesday to block the pain she's had for 6+ months so she can start physical therapy? How fitting.
And, Gabe, baby... Thank you for being so kind to your mommy (was Chris whispering in your ear???). You forced your way out with no tear or episiotemy required. Thank you, thank you! You were very kind to your mommy. :)
In the end, however, pain aside.... When I saw Gabriel for the first time, I felt like I was in heaven. Those eyes felt like I knew him forever...that he was always meant to be here with us. I am in love, plain and simple. As I held him (all of the staff left us alone for a long time after his birth), Hubby and I pondered names...as we thought of a name, we asked Gabriel if he liked it. We went through quite a few - most that were "in the running" - and he just looked at me. When we came to Gabriel, he gave me the most peaceful, blissful smile...and we knew we had his name.
I must apologize for the lag in posting the birth announcement... Time had been short with visitors, getting to know our new baby, and adjusting to life with two children. But, honestly and more importantly, I have been cherishing every second I can get with my boys and the idea of anything regarding the internet or anything else has been the furthest from my mind.
So, on to the news. :)
Gabriel John was born on Monday morning, June 16th at 7:34 am after a rather "rapid" response to the labor induction. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 14 oz and 21 inches long (very close to Christopher's stats at birth: 7 lbs, 13 oz and 21 1/2 inches long). And, he is just perfect.
Gabriel right after birth...poor thing scratched his face up because of his way longer than mommy's nails!
Chris meeting his baby brother for the first time (excuse my appearance! No make-up allowed for labor induction! And, man! Do I need a haircut!)
My boys...
Chris holding Gabriel at home for the first time. I think this will be forever my most cherished picture of my boys.
To document the wild ride...because, for me, it was... I am going to write out the entire birth story like I did for Christopher. So, I will always remember this very special day...
If you recall, I was told on June 9th that my induction, if labor did not start by June 16th, would take place the night of June 16th. I was to call on June 11th for the details since it had to be put in the L&D schedule at the hospital (they were trying to get me a private room for the induction so I could have Hubby there this time around - see Chris's birth story on my roommate for that part of the induction...). So, I called on June 11th and was told I would get a call back that day - L&D had not put me in to the schedule yet. Friday afternoon, just as I was about to call my doc's office to find out what was going on, I finally got the call back and was told to report to the PET unit on Sunday night, June 15th at 8 pm - one day earlier than we had planned. So, I had to make some phone calls Friday afternoon to change around babysitting duties for Chris.
We spent a quite weekend with Chris...and Hubby and my FIL putting up our fence for the back yard (only took them a year and several threats to do it!). I casually packed my bag...finished some last minute things. And, we were ready!
On Sunday, June 15th, we brought Chris around to my MIL's house at 7 pm for his "sleep over." He was a little upset with us leaving...for which I felt my heart ripping out (this would be the first time away from him for more than just an overnight). I called my MIL about 5 minutes later from the car to make sure he was okay -- he was playing with my FIL and having a snack. So, luckily, that episode was very short lived...and I could calm down with leaving my baby for several days.
We arrived at the hospital and I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 pm to start the induction (of course, one of the Indiana Jones movies was on in the PET unit as we arrived...a clear sign of things to come for us!). Medical history was taken (which puzzled me a bit since I had figured my medical records would have been transferred from the MFM clinic in the hospital to the PET unit before I got there...and they were not)...and I was checked. Surprisingly, I was 1 cm dilated at arrival...so, there was "some" progress made on my own. A fetal monitor was strapped to my stomach, the IV was started (to prepare for the Group B Strep antibiotics later in the night and the pitocin for the second stage of induction later in the morning) and I had a balloon catheter inserted laced with Cervidil at 10:00 pm. I was offered a sleeping pill so I could rest (which I was not offered in Chris' induction)... I wasn't going to take it, but then thought better of it. ;) Even though I did not sleep like a baby, I was able to rest and sleep during the earlier contractions from this stage.
Then, the wait began until the 6:00 am check to see how far along I was. Since I was not in active labor yet, I was not in Labor & Delivery - Dr. D did, however, swing the private room for induction and Hubby was able to stay. YEAH! We watched some TV, talked, breathed through some contractions, chastised Hubby for snoring, slept....much better than my last induction experience! Was able to rest up for, well, what was to come...
At 5 am, I woke up very quickly to some very, very strong contractions - all very low, around the intestinal area. As I started breathing through them, I noticed they were very, very close together: about 2-3 minutes apart and they were getting stronger. I woke Hubby and asked him to start helping me out...the contractions were getting way more intense than I had expected, more frequent, and were worse than what I could feel with Chris' induction.
I was examined at 6:15 am - at which time the balloon catheter fell right out and I had achieved, to the surprise of everyone, 6 cm! Orders to move me to L&D were given...and, after a half hour delay, I was finally moving to Labor and Delivery. However, transitioning from the bed to the wheelchair was not easy - the contractions were still getting stronger and closer together. But, I made it and was on my way.
When I got to L&D, well, things get a little hazy here:
...I kept asking for the epidural and kept getting promised it was coming.
...A doctor came to check me and break my water - what her name was, I have no idea. But, I told her to get lost because the contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart and extremely strong and I was NOT moving for her at that time!
...Another doctor came in (Dr. M) and started his "talk" and asking questions...to which I yelled at Hubby to answer them for me.
...I am still waiting for the epidural.
...I am laying on my left side, holding on to the bed rails for dear life as each contraction starts.
...I asked for one of those little pans because, well, I thought I was going to puke from the pain (and praying every second I wouldn't do it). Luckily, I didn't - puking is MUCH worse in my world than anything else!
...I begin to feel a WHOLE bunch of pressure, and realize, well, baby's head is coming out - and I freak and start yelling that, well, "something" is coming out!! Well, neeerrr! How about the baby's head???
Dr. M realizes what is happening and checks me real quick - and pages Dr. D, who is prepping another patient for a scheduled c-section at 8:00 am. He gets the page and can't figure out why it is coming up since I was not in the computer system as being at L&D. He calls in and is told to get down to L&D because I am about to deliver...like, now!
Dr. D's arrival to my L&D room was basically put on the gloves, run over to reach me and deliver Gabriel's head. YIKES!
About all I remember with the pain of the contractions was Dr. D grabbing my hand, putting my left knee in it, and telling me to hold my leg and push...and Gabriel's shoulders and body was delivered. Placenta quickly followed with no pushing.
All happened so, so fast, I don't remember all that much.
Hubby did clue me in to the fact that the epidural showed up as I was delivering Gabriel's head...and the anesthesiologist just turned around and left the room. Lovely.... Did I mentioned my MIL is having an epidural Tuesday to block the pain she's had for 6+ months so she can start physical therapy? How fitting.
And, Gabe, baby... Thank you for being so kind to your mommy (was Chris whispering in your ear???). You forced your way out with no tear or episiotemy required. Thank you, thank you! You were very kind to your mommy. :)
In the end, however, pain aside.... When I saw Gabriel for the first time, I felt like I was in heaven. Those eyes felt like I knew him forever...that he was always meant to be here with us. I am in love, plain and simple. As I held him (all of the staff left us alone for a long time after his birth), Hubby and I pondered names...as we thought of a name, we asked Gabriel if he liked it. We went through quite a few - most that were "in the running" - and he just looked at me. When we came to Gabriel, he gave me the most peaceful, blissful smile...and we knew we had his name.
Early Wednesday morning, after the few days in the hospital resting peacefully (except for the free-for-all in getting my IL's to be on board with the plans I had made for Chris and Gabriel coming home - soooo glad the nurse suggested the sleeping pill that night!), Dr. D came in to go his final check...and visit for a while. We chatted for about a half hour - about care for me, for Gabriel's circ, etc. But, more importantly, we chatted about how we got here in the first place (aside from, well, DTD)...and how he was so happy for us after the losses we had to go through.
Dr. D mentioned to me that his wife had two miscarriages in between their two sons - which is something he never mentioned to me before. I suppose he now felt comfortable telling me that...and it is sad yet comforting to know why I was treated with such respect and dignity while going through my own losses. He truly understands what we have been through, and how hard it must have been for me to trust that this pregnancy would result in Gabriel's arrival. He understands the apprehension at the thought of more children in the future - which is why he and his wife stopped at their two boys. He was so glad he could be there for us - through finding out I was PG by surprise, to all of Gabriel's development being right on course, and to his quick delivery. He wanted to make sure he would be there for Gabriel's delivery - for our special baby and for us. And, he was glad Gabriel decided to force his way out - if he decided to arrive during the scheduled c-section he had at 8 am, there would have been no way for him to get to us. He was aware that we were going to call TTC quits, and delivering this baby into the world made the troubles of the practice all worth it.
I am so grateful to Dr. D for all he has done for us...and the rest of the doctors involved in caring for me and for Gabriel.
I am very blessed.
Gabriel is a very special baby...he holds so much understanding in those little eyes. I am finally finding the peace I had longed for. He has not replaced the babies I have lost...but, he has helped heal the wounds that remained open for so long and has restored most of the faith I had lost for so long.
I am so very blessed.
Thank you to all who have stopped in at my blog. Your support through my losses and this pregnancy will forever be appreciated.
Dr. D mentioned to me that his wife had two miscarriages in between their two sons - which is something he never mentioned to me before. I suppose he now felt comfortable telling me that...and it is sad yet comforting to know why I was treated with such respect and dignity while going through my own losses. He truly understands what we have been through, and how hard it must have been for me to trust that this pregnancy would result in Gabriel's arrival. He understands the apprehension at the thought of more children in the future - which is why he and his wife stopped at their two boys. He was so glad he could be there for us - through finding out I was PG by surprise, to all of Gabriel's development being right on course, and to his quick delivery. He wanted to make sure he would be there for Gabriel's delivery - for our special baby and for us. And, he was glad Gabriel decided to force his way out - if he decided to arrive during the scheduled c-section he had at 8 am, there would have been no way for him to get to us. He was aware that we were going to call TTC quits, and delivering this baby into the world made the troubles of the practice all worth it.
I am so grateful to Dr. D for all he has done for us...and the rest of the doctors involved in caring for me and for Gabriel.
I am very blessed.
Gabriel is a very special baby...he holds so much understanding in those little eyes. I am finally finding the peace I had longed for. He has not replaced the babies I have lost...but, he has helped heal the wounds that remained open for so long and has restored most of the faith I had lost for so long.
I am so very blessed.
Thank you to all who have stopped in at my blog. Your support through my losses and this pregnancy will forever be appreciated.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Only a little while longer...
...and E2 will be here.
I am 40 wks, 5 days today...and no sign of impending labor. So, I am heading in for an induction tonight...and E2 will be here sometime tomorrow.
Here is one last belly pic, taken this morning on the eve of his arrival:
I can't believe this time is here...and, as much as I would have liked to go into labor on my own, it is nice to be able to take my time in packing my things for the hospital, spending some last quality time with Chris as an only child, and thinking about how much things are going to change in this house in less than 24 hours.
I honestly never thought I would be here, waiting for another child to enter into our lives. Looking back across the almost three years we were TTC our second...and the babies we lost...it still feels unreal that E2 is almost here. He was so very wanted. So very needed. But, there is one thing I know in my heart now: His arrival was a lesson for me in patience, faith, letting go, yet always appreciating the time I did have with my angels.
Someone has posted on one of the FF boards how, after her loss, she longed to get PG again so she could replace the child she lost in her miscarriage. E2, as much as he is loved already, for me, is not a replacement for the angels that surround us. He can't be - My angels had their own souls, own time, own love to give, although their time with me was brief. E2 has come to us in the right time...when I was finally able to let go of the hurt I carried for so long and began to live my life again. I am not sure how possible another PG would have been without having truly dealt with my sadness, my anger, my loss of faith in everything. And, as months of worry and anxiety over whether I would make it this far come to a close, I am so thankful to those who helped me through it all (in my BG's, through the blogging community and those in "real life" who took the time to care). I could not have gone through this journey without you.
I will check in with pics and details as soon as I am able...I am hoping the hospital has internet access. ;)
I am 40 wks, 5 days today...and no sign of impending labor. So, I am heading in for an induction tonight...and E2 will be here sometime tomorrow.
Here is one last belly pic, taken this morning on the eve of his arrival:
I can't believe this time is here...and, as much as I would have liked to go into labor on my own, it is nice to be able to take my time in packing my things for the hospital, spending some last quality time with Chris as an only child, and thinking about how much things are going to change in this house in less than 24 hours.
I honestly never thought I would be here, waiting for another child to enter into our lives. Looking back across the almost three years we were TTC our second...and the babies we lost...it still feels unreal that E2 is almost here. He was so very wanted. So very needed. But, there is one thing I know in my heart now: His arrival was a lesson for me in patience, faith, letting go, yet always appreciating the time I did have with my angels.
Someone has posted on one of the FF boards how, after her loss, she longed to get PG again so she could replace the child she lost in her miscarriage. E2, as much as he is loved already, for me, is not a replacement for the angels that surround us. He can't be - My angels had their own souls, own time, own love to give, although their time with me was brief. E2 has come to us in the right time...when I was finally able to let go of the hurt I carried for so long and began to live my life again. I am not sure how possible another PG would have been without having truly dealt with my sadness, my anger, my loss of faith in everything. And, as months of worry and anxiety over whether I would make it this far come to a close, I am so thankful to those who helped me through it all (in my BG's, through the blogging community and those in "real life" who took the time to care). I could not have gone through this journey without you.
I will check in with pics and details as soon as I am able...I am hoping the hospital has internet access. ;)
Monday, June 09, 2008
Just like history repeating itself...
I have been sooooo bad at blogging lately...will catch up on the "why's" later this week while Chris is napping.
Apparently, the end of this PG is going to be like history repeating itself.
As of this morning's check-up at Dr. D's, looks like this baby will be induced just like Chris was. Actually, I was more dilated with Chris (1/2 cm) at this point than I am now! So, as of today, I am scheduled for induction Monday night (June 16th). I have to call Wednesday night for the details...and my doc is trying like hell to get me a private room to be induced in (unlike last time, when I had Ms. Hyperventilation next to me). Will have more details Wednesday...and he is going to haul me in Monday morning just to check to see if maybe, just maybe, I make some progress on my own...
Oh well, gives us a better chance to make sure Chris knows what is going on I suppose...
Apparently, the end of this PG is going to be like history repeating itself.
As of this morning's check-up at Dr. D's, looks like this baby will be induced just like Chris was. Actually, I was more dilated with Chris (1/2 cm) at this point than I am now! So, as of today, I am scheduled for induction Monday night (June 16th). I have to call Wednesday night for the details...and my doc is trying like hell to get me a private room to be induced in (unlike last time, when I had Ms. Hyperventilation next to me). Will have more details Wednesday...and he is going to haul me in Monday morning just to check to see if maybe, just maybe, I make some progress on my own...
Oh well, gives us a better chance to make sure Chris knows what is going on I suppose...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Missing you, my first Angel Baby
Today could have been your third birthday... But, instead, you became in 2004 our first Angel to watch over us.
I miss you...and love you. Happy Birthday, sweet Angel. You are gone...but certainly never forgotten.
I miss you...and love you. Happy Birthday, sweet Angel. You are gone...but certainly never forgotten.
Friday, May 16, 2008
So darned tired...
I can't believe I am due in under 30 days...and I am out of work for three months in 14 days...
The days are just whirling by - and there is so much to do still.
And, added to that now is my IL's are back in their house. Oh my! A real estate investor they know bought the house "as-is" and an agreement drawn up that they will pay him rent for 1-2 years, at which time when they can get financing, they will buy the house back from them. So, they are in a mad-rush to be in the house this weekend...
...And, I am left waving my flag, needing to get things done (like, ummm, pack my bag for the hospital?!?!?) and no one is paying attention to that.
Anyways, training here at work is going well...and I feel confident that my jobs will be done correctly while I am out. Phew!
I will try to post more over the weekend...if I have the energy. E2 is sucking out all of my energy... I think the last time I felt this exhausted was when I was dealing with the major insomnia that started after my March 2006 m/c....
But, I am going to miss that when he is here. :(
The days are just whirling by - and there is so much to do still.
And, added to that now is my IL's are back in their house. Oh my! A real estate investor they know bought the house "as-is" and an agreement drawn up that they will pay him rent for 1-2 years, at which time when they can get financing, they will buy the house back from them. So, they are in a mad-rush to be in the house this weekend...
...And, I am left waving my flag, needing to get things done (like, ummm, pack my bag for the hospital?!?!?) and no one is paying attention to that.
Anyways, training here at work is going well...and I feel confident that my jobs will be done correctly while I am out. Phew!
I will try to post more over the weekend...if I have the energy. E2 is sucking out all of my energy... I think the last time I felt this exhausted was when I was dealing with the major insomnia that started after my March 2006 m/c....
But, I am going to miss that when he is here. :(
Thursday, May 08, 2008
My little guy doesn't want to be a big guy
Since Chris has been sleeping in his big-boy bed every night since Saturday night (and most naps on the days he is not at my Mom's house since she doesn't drive), his nighttime routine has changed a bit.
It used to be that Daddy would read him a story as I played Vanna White doing the page turning in our bed while he had a cup of milk...then, it was time to use the bathroom, brush teeth and Daddy would lay down with him until he fell asleep (and Mommy would retreat to the futon to sleep since I just can't sleep in our bed right now).
Now, Mommy reads the story (specifically, the "I'm a Big Brother" book) at the foot of his bed, while Daddy gives "his baby" (AKA, the doll he got from the sibling class) a bottle and Chris has his milk...then, it is time to use the bathroom and brush teeth. Now, Chris has asks me to sit with him while he falls asleep - so I grab some pillows, sit next to his bed while we talk a little bit and then he falls asleep.
We had a conversation last night about him getting to be a big boy...and how he doesn't want to be a big boy. It was probably one of the sweetest conversations we have ever had.
To preface, I have been very careful throughout this PG that 1) Chris understands where E2 is right now and that Chris was once there too, 2) there will be some changes coming and that I might not always be able to drop things immediately with baby to do things for him, 3) Chris, no matter what, will always be Mommy's baby too...even though he is growing up and doing more big boy things and 4) we will always make time for him...special time that will only be his.
Doing this seems to have made his understanding of what is happening clear to us - you can see that a bit with how he handles "his baby"...
...Although I am prepared for regression. ;)
Anyways, so we were talking again last night about how well he is handling "his baby" - with feeding him, burping him, holding him, checking his diaper (even though it is just a doll right now) and how proud of him I am that he is being such a big boy and a good big brother already.
That was when Chris said he didn't want to be a big boy yet.
...And my heart just melt...and I wanted to cry.
So, I told him that, although he is doing such big boy things like using the potty now, using regular cups and utensils, going to school, "helping" Mommy to vacuum and make the bed and such...he does not have to be a big boy all the way just yet. I told him that he still was a little guy - he would be still for a while. ...And, it was okay for Mommy and Daddy to still help him with things, or for him to cry when he has booboos or is frustrated that he can't do something. He didn't need to be a completely big guy yet. He had time to still be my baby...
When I was done, I noticed he was snoring...
My little guy had fallen asleep during my reassurances.
...Only proving that, yes, he still is a little guy. And, he doesn't need to be a big guy in every way just yet.
**Sigh**
It used to be that Daddy would read him a story as I played Vanna White doing the page turning in our bed while he had a cup of milk...then, it was time to use the bathroom, brush teeth and Daddy would lay down with him until he fell asleep (and Mommy would retreat to the futon to sleep since I just can't sleep in our bed right now).
Now, Mommy reads the story (specifically, the "I'm a Big Brother" book) at the foot of his bed, while Daddy gives "his baby" (AKA, the doll he got from the sibling class) a bottle and Chris has his milk...then, it is time to use the bathroom and brush teeth. Now, Chris has asks me to sit with him while he falls asleep - so I grab some pillows, sit next to his bed while we talk a little bit and then he falls asleep.
We had a conversation last night about him getting to be a big boy...and how he doesn't want to be a big boy. It was probably one of the sweetest conversations we have ever had.
To preface, I have been very careful throughout this PG that 1) Chris understands where E2 is right now and that Chris was once there too, 2) there will be some changes coming and that I might not always be able to drop things immediately with baby to do things for him, 3) Chris, no matter what, will always be Mommy's baby too...even though he is growing up and doing more big boy things and 4) we will always make time for him...special time that will only be his.
Doing this seems to have made his understanding of what is happening clear to us - you can see that a bit with how he handles "his baby"...
...Although I am prepared for regression. ;)
Anyways, so we were talking again last night about how well he is handling "his baby" - with feeding him, burping him, holding him, checking his diaper (even though it is just a doll right now) and how proud of him I am that he is being such a big boy and a good big brother already.
That was when Chris said he didn't want to be a big boy yet.
...And my heart just melt...and I wanted to cry.
So, I told him that, although he is doing such big boy things like using the potty now, using regular cups and utensils, going to school, "helping" Mommy to vacuum and make the bed and such...he does not have to be a big boy all the way just yet. I told him that he still was a little guy - he would be still for a while. ...And, it was okay for Mommy and Daddy to still help him with things, or for him to cry when he has booboos or is frustrated that he can't do something. He didn't need to be a completely big guy yet. He had time to still be my baby...
When I was done, I noticed he was snoring...
My little guy had fallen asleep during my reassurances.
...Only proving that, yes, he still is a little guy. And, he doesn't need to be a big guy in every way just yet.
**Sigh**
Monday, May 05, 2008
Happy 4th Birthday (a day late), my little man!
Yesterday was Christopher's 4th birthday...and, oh my! How he has grown! From this:
(about 20 minutes after he was born on 5/4/04)
to this:
(this past Christmas, 12/07)
in 4 short years...
We spent the weekend moving Chris into his big-boy room...and I feel like he has grown into his own big person in less than 7 days. We are so pleased...but sad too because he is just not so little anymore. He is growing up so fast...and more so within the last 6 months or so.
The room is no where near finished...there is baby bedding to be bought for E2, organizing the crap that has accumulated, putting up the finishing touches (so, the "Big Reveal" won't happen on the blog until everything is complete). But, Chris has his new bed and his new dress - his own big-boy space. And, I think he is really pleased because, for the first time in a looooong time, he has slept in his bed all night long: No want to be with us overnight, his insistence that he be in his own space. He went to sleep in his bed Saturday night and never looked back...all the while, we checked in on him and were sad that he is no longer a baby.
I am so going to miss that.
Here is the progression of things:
How Chris used to sleep (this pic was from last summer....the binkie has been gone since at least October)...in our bed, a tornado in our midst.
Helping Daddy put together his new dresser last weekend (no, Hubby lost no fingers)
Chris and Daddy playing Indiana Jones before bedtime (one of the nightly rituals with his bedtime story)
Helping Papa put his bed together Saturday night
Testing out his new bed
How he woke up yesterday morning
When I talked to him yesterday morning, he mentioned that he rolled out of the bed that night (we did not put the bedrails on Saturday night because it was very late and he needed to get some sleep for his sibling class at 9 am Sunday morning - but, we did put pillows on the floor just in case he did roll out). Then, he told me that he climbed back up on the bed and went back to sleep... Poor thing! I felt terrible that he rolled out of the bed. So, I reminded him that he could always come and get one of us...and the bedrail went on before his nap Sunday afternoon.
Chris had his sibling class yesterday morning (I am just such a good mommy, that I scheduled him 9:00 am the morning of his 4th birthday to be back at the hospital he was born at to learn about being a big brother!)...and he really loved it! Best $40 we spent in a long time... The nurse showed the kids (ranging between 2 and 7 years old) how to hold the baby properly, how to help mommy and daddy change the baby, what the baby does at the beginning...and we took a tour of the nursery to see the babies who where there (including an impromptu elevator ride that he was not expecting...he doesn't like elevators, but handled it like a champ!).
Chris just LOVED IT! He carried "his baby" now named Otto (since Hubby refers to E2 as Otto all of the time) around the hospital the right way...showed his baby the other babies in the nursery...insisted his baby (which we got to keep as part of the $40 fee, among other goodies) go EVERYWHERE with us yesterday (a trip to Toys 'R Us, Wendy's for lunch, dinner, to grandma's this morning...). Actually he handled his baby better than most of the girls in the class, who dragged them around by the foot! He is really practicing being a good big brother with this baby...and it is adorable to see that.
Here is how Chris woke up with morning, bunking in with his baby:
He fell asleep, snuggled head-to-head, with his baby last night (notice his baby needed clothing too...this is a sleeper I received as part of an on-line shower gift on FF. It was supposed to be for E2!).
I am just so amazed by him... His progression with speech, his empathy towards others, his sense of humor, and, so, so much more.
I just wish he didn't ever have to grow up.
(about 20 minutes after he was born on 5/4/04)
to this:
(this past Christmas, 12/07)
in 4 short years...
We spent the weekend moving Chris into his big-boy room...and I feel like he has grown into his own big person in less than 7 days. We are so pleased...but sad too because he is just not so little anymore. He is growing up so fast...and more so within the last 6 months or so.
The room is no where near finished...there is baby bedding to be bought for E2, organizing the crap that has accumulated, putting up the finishing touches (so, the "Big Reveal" won't happen on the blog until everything is complete). But, Chris has his new bed and his new dress - his own big-boy space. And, I think he is really pleased because, for the first time in a looooong time, he has slept in his bed all night long: No want to be with us overnight, his insistence that he be in his own space. He went to sleep in his bed Saturday night and never looked back...all the while, we checked in on him and were sad that he is no longer a baby.
I am so going to miss that.
Here is the progression of things:
How Chris used to sleep (this pic was from last summer....the binkie has been gone since at least October)...in our bed, a tornado in our midst.
Helping Daddy put together his new dresser last weekend (no, Hubby lost no fingers)
Chris and Daddy playing Indiana Jones before bedtime (one of the nightly rituals with his bedtime story)
Helping Papa put his bed together Saturday night
Testing out his new bed
How he woke up yesterday morning
When I talked to him yesterday morning, he mentioned that he rolled out of the bed that night (we did not put the bedrails on Saturday night because it was very late and he needed to get some sleep for his sibling class at 9 am Sunday morning - but, we did put pillows on the floor just in case he did roll out). Then, he told me that he climbed back up on the bed and went back to sleep... Poor thing! I felt terrible that he rolled out of the bed. So, I reminded him that he could always come and get one of us...and the bedrail went on before his nap Sunday afternoon.
Chris had his sibling class yesterday morning (I am just such a good mommy, that I scheduled him 9:00 am the morning of his 4th birthday to be back at the hospital he was born at to learn about being a big brother!)...and he really loved it! Best $40 we spent in a long time... The nurse showed the kids (ranging between 2 and 7 years old) how to hold the baby properly, how to help mommy and daddy change the baby, what the baby does at the beginning...and we took a tour of the nursery to see the babies who where there (including an impromptu elevator ride that he was not expecting...he doesn't like elevators, but handled it like a champ!).
Chris just LOVED IT! He carried "his baby" now named Otto (since Hubby refers to E2 as Otto all of the time) around the hospital the right way...showed his baby the other babies in the nursery...insisted his baby (which we got to keep as part of the $40 fee, among other goodies) go EVERYWHERE with us yesterday (a trip to Toys 'R Us, Wendy's for lunch, dinner, to grandma's this morning...). Actually he handled his baby better than most of the girls in the class, who dragged them around by the foot! He is really practicing being a good big brother with this baby...and it is adorable to see that.
Here is how Chris woke up with morning, bunking in with his baby:
He fell asleep, snuggled head-to-head, with his baby last night (notice his baby needed clothing too...this is a sleeper I received as part of an on-line shower gift on FF. It was supposed to be for E2!).
I am just so amazed by him... His progression with speech, his empathy towards others, his sense of humor, and, so, so much more.
I just wish he didn't ever have to grow up.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
33 weeks...and the mayhem is in full swing!
Well, I am 33 weeks today...
I never imagined I would be sitting here posting this now. I just remember sitting in my living room, around December 2006, crying my eyes out and the midst of those nasty anxiety attacks...wondering if another child would ever come to us.
But now, the mayhem of getting ready for E2 at home is in full swing... Our soon-to-be former bedroom - the former crap-hole that you might be able to see a teeny-tiny glimpse of in these pics:
(behind the headboard...the old, orangish-paint. Couldn't tell you the original color as there were 3 smokers in the house years ago!)
(looking in from Chris' old room - our soon to be new room with new yellow paint. Note the joint compound on the left side of the window...that is how far we got with finishing off our bedroom before Chris arrived. We figured fixing the falling-down ceiling was a little more important.)
is coming along so, so nicely (thanks to the contractor that my FIL bailed out of making a bad business deal...otherwise, E2 would probably be 5 years old if I left this project to Hubby). Pics will be posted over the weekend...when we move Chris in there. Yeah! All I can say is, Chris is thrilled with the work so far...and keeps reminding us that it is his "big boy room" that he gets to share with E2.
Just too cute... Hoping they grow up being close. ;)
We are also trying to keep things "normal" for Chris...and are trying to prepare for his 4th Birthday party on May 10th. Say, what?!?!?! I am having a hard time adjusting to my baby being 4 years old. Sigh. He's going to really love us on his actual birthday (May 4th) when we take him to his sibling class at the hospital... We gotta make sure he gets his treat of McD's on that day (conveniently located in the hospital's lobby...).
Work is overwhelming...my work is being split between 3 people here (who are all very competent...just going to be hard to remember who is working on what!) and I am trying to fit the time in to train them all on how things are done. And, of course, be ready to leave on May 30th.
But, I am very grateful that my boss canceled the major advisory board meeting he was planning on May 12th... That alone has given me some time back on my calendar to get everything done.
The weather is getting warmer here...and I am back out walking (1 mile instead of 2...but it has slowed the weight gain down a bit, so at least I won't gain over 35 lbs with this PG!). But, I have no maternity capri's, no maternity shorts and only 4 short-sleeve shirts from my PG with Chris. Crap...guess I will be in air conditioning through my EDD. Refuse to buy anything more in maternity clothing!
Had my latest u/s done on Thursday... And, I am happy to report that all is well with E2 and his growth.
And, I am also happy to report that he may actually be more ME than Hubby. Woot! Woot! Looks like he's got my nose...which is a start.
Just a few things came up at that appointment...one thing I am waiting on b/w for and one I have to make some decisions on...
I got Dr. M this time at the MFM clinic - the actual Director of the MFM center. Very nice guy...actually, they have all been very nice. But, I think this particular doc was probably the most thorough of all of the 6 doctors there.
He asked me Dr. D's plans for delivery. Right now, Dr. D is going to let me go to 41 weeks at most - and, if I don't go into labor by then, I will be induced for June 17th. Dr. M, however, wants to modify that, depending upon what my current homocysteine levels are. Since I presented with elevated homocysteine levels with the MTHFR mutation, they have been checking them regularly since they do rise in PG. They have been level the entire time, just like my thyroid levels. However, if this last set comes back elevated, he wants me to deliver no later than my EDD of June 10th. So, now I am just waiting on the results of that b/w to see what the labor plan is...if I even need a plan. This PG has been so different, I am kinda hoping E2 will chose to make his own appearance.
The other issue...the one I need to make a decision on...is about the Lexapro I started on March 17th.
He asked me if anyone had told me about the rare issues that can come up with the baby upon deliver if I was still taking Lexapro at that time... Up to this point, no one has - I was told that it was safe (and I didn't really find anything on my own to say otherwise either).
Dr. M told me that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that the baby could develop Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (PPHN) and/or could suffer from withdrawal symptoms upon birth (irritability, difficulty feeding) for a few days afterwards. He thinks my chances of this happening are relatively low, especially since I am on the lowest dose possible (5 mg).
The 5 mg has really helped so much to refocus me and manage the stress better... But, I have spent this entire PG worrying that everything would be okay with E2...and it has been...and I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him now.
So, I am not sure what to do at this point... I am afraid to come off the Lexapro right now since it has helped me so much, especially with sleep. If I come off now, I am not sure how I am going to handle it all. And, I know the med is helping E2 to be buffered from the stress too.
But, if I don't come off...do I really want to risk that 1 in 1000 chance of a problem??
I have a call in to my ped to talk to him about it....and I will be talking to Dr. D about it on Monday at my next check-up.
Anyone in my position who might have some guidance on this???
I never imagined I would be sitting here posting this now. I just remember sitting in my living room, around December 2006, crying my eyes out and the midst of those nasty anxiety attacks...wondering if another child would ever come to us.
But now, the mayhem of getting ready for E2 at home is in full swing... Our soon-to-be former bedroom - the former crap-hole that you might be able to see a teeny-tiny glimpse of in these pics:
(behind the headboard...the old, orangish-paint. Couldn't tell you the original color as there were 3 smokers in the house years ago!)
(looking in from Chris' old room - our soon to be new room with new yellow paint. Note the joint compound on the left side of the window...that is how far we got with finishing off our bedroom before Chris arrived. We figured fixing the falling-down ceiling was a little more important.)
is coming along so, so nicely (thanks to the contractor that my FIL bailed out of making a bad business deal...otherwise, E2 would probably be 5 years old if I left this project to Hubby). Pics will be posted over the weekend...when we move Chris in there. Yeah! All I can say is, Chris is thrilled with the work so far...and keeps reminding us that it is his "big boy room" that he gets to share with E2.
Just too cute... Hoping they grow up being close. ;)
We are also trying to keep things "normal" for Chris...and are trying to prepare for his 4th Birthday party on May 10th. Say, what?!?!?! I am having a hard time adjusting to my baby being 4 years old. Sigh. He's going to really love us on his actual birthday (May 4th) when we take him to his sibling class at the hospital... We gotta make sure he gets his treat of McD's on that day (conveniently located in the hospital's lobby...).
Work is overwhelming...my work is being split between 3 people here (who are all very competent...just going to be hard to remember who is working on what!) and I am trying to fit the time in to train them all on how things are done. And, of course, be ready to leave on May 30th.
But, I am very grateful that my boss canceled the major advisory board meeting he was planning on May 12th... That alone has given me some time back on my calendar to get everything done.
The weather is getting warmer here...and I am back out walking (1 mile instead of 2...but it has slowed the weight gain down a bit, so at least I won't gain over 35 lbs with this PG!). But, I have no maternity capri's, no maternity shorts and only 4 short-sleeve shirts from my PG with Chris. Crap...guess I will be in air conditioning through my EDD. Refuse to buy anything more in maternity clothing!
Had my latest u/s done on Thursday... And, I am happy to report that all is well with E2 and his growth.
And, I am also happy to report that he may actually be more ME than Hubby. Woot! Woot! Looks like he's got my nose...which is a start.
Just a few things came up at that appointment...one thing I am waiting on b/w for and one I have to make some decisions on...
I got Dr. M this time at the MFM clinic - the actual Director of the MFM center. Very nice guy...actually, they have all been very nice. But, I think this particular doc was probably the most thorough of all of the 6 doctors there.
He asked me Dr. D's plans for delivery. Right now, Dr. D is going to let me go to 41 weeks at most - and, if I don't go into labor by then, I will be induced for June 17th. Dr. M, however, wants to modify that, depending upon what my current homocysteine levels are. Since I presented with elevated homocysteine levels with the MTHFR mutation, they have been checking them regularly since they do rise in PG. They have been level the entire time, just like my thyroid levels. However, if this last set comes back elevated, he wants me to deliver no later than my EDD of June 10th. So, now I am just waiting on the results of that b/w to see what the labor plan is...if I even need a plan. This PG has been so different, I am kinda hoping E2 will chose to make his own appearance.
The other issue...the one I need to make a decision on...is about the Lexapro I started on March 17th.
He asked me if anyone had told me about the rare issues that can come up with the baby upon deliver if I was still taking Lexapro at that time... Up to this point, no one has - I was told that it was safe (and I didn't really find anything on my own to say otherwise either).
Dr. M told me that there is a 1 in 1000 chance that the baby could develop Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension of the Newborn (PPHN) and/or could suffer from withdrawal symptoms upon birth (irritability, difficulty feeding) for a few days afterwards. He thinks my chances of this happening are relatively low, especially since I am on the lowest dose possible (5 mg).
The 5 mg has really helped so much to refocus me and manage the stress better... But, I have spent this entire PG worrying that everything would be okay with E2...and it has been...and I don't want ANYTHING to happen to him now.
So, I am not sure what to do at this point... I am afraid to come off the Lexapro right now since it has helped me so much, especially with sleep. If I come off now, I am not sure how I am going to handle it all. And, I know the med is helping E2 to be buffered from the stress too.
But, if I don't come off...do I really want to risk that 1 in 1000 chance of a problem??
I have a call in to my ped to talk to him about it....and I will be talking to Dr. D about it on Monday at my next check-up.
Anyone in my position who might have some guidance on this???
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Advice needed for a friend
Hubby has a very close friend M from grammar school whose wife, J, is going through a struggle with secondary IF. Technically, she would have been dealing with infertility earlier since it took her about 12 months to finally conceive their 3 year old DD - but, as she was prepping to meet her doctor about it, she finally ended up PG after about half her cycles being annovulatory.
J just turned 37 years old. She is not always ovulating, has tried a few rounds of clomid in which she is ovulating but not getting PG, just tried one round of Clomid/trigger/IUI (the IUI and meds out of pocket) which just resulted in a BFN.
When I talked to her last night, she was obviously upset that they have been trying for over a year now...and she didn't start the testing earlier (her HSG was all clear; b/w all normal). But, there were some very strange issues surrounding her sister that she had to deal with...and put TTC in full force off the plate.
Anyways, she is running out of options because both her insurance and her husband's insurance don't cover IF well - hers has no prescription plan (so all meds she has take up to this point have been paid for out of pocket) and does not cover IUI (it did cover the testing...as long as she was NOT given the title Infertile); his covers most things, but with at least a 20% co-pay; if she tried to get on his insurance with hers (co-insure), then she has to pay parts of two insurance premiums for an entire year.
So, in other words, any way she tries, she has to spend a lot of money and they can't afford that right now. They are on a tight budget after M having lost his job twice in two years (he works as a manager in retail - which is not always stable). There were some financial burdens with the issues with her sister. And, they have some major debts to still pay from M prior to them being married. So, there is not much available to pay for IF procedures and medications.
I suggested a whole slew of things to her (Femara since Clomid is causing CM issues, hence the need for the IUI), checking for other issues that could be causing annovulation (like thyroid disease and PCOS), using things like Green Tea or PreSeed for CM issues. But, she could use some advice on how to get an IUI cycle covered without too much out of pocket cost since they are on such a tight budget.
Any advice from ladies who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I can't really help her with the financial aspects of this because all I have ever had to pay were office visit co-pays for any visit or procedure done - I have a thorough prescription plan, excellent coverage and very minimal out-of-pocket expenses (i.e., all I have had to pay for were OPKs, HPTs, etc.). Just one reason I remain a slave to the State here...
Thanks a million for the help!
J just turned 37 years old. She is not always ovulating, has tried a few rounds of clomid in which she is ovulating but not getting PG, just tried one round of Clomid/trigger/IUI (the IUI and meds out of pocket) which just resulted in a BFN.
When I talked to her last night, she was obviously upset that they have been trying for over a year now...and she didn't start the testing earlier (her HSG was all clear; b/w all normal). But, there were some very strange issues surrounding her sister that she had to deal with...and put TTC in full force off the plate.
Anyways, she is running out of options because both her insurance and her husband's insurance don't cover IF well - hers has no prescription plan (so all meds she has take up to this point have been paid for out of pocket) and does not cover IUI (it did cover the testing...as long as she was NOT given the title Infertile); his covers most things, but with at least a 20% co-pay; if she tried to get on his insurance with hers (co-insure), then she has to pay parts of two insurance premiums for an entire year.
So, in other words, any way she tries, she has to spend a lot of money and they can't afford that right now. They are on a tight budget after M having lost his job twice in two years (he works as a manager in retail - which is not always stable). There were some financial burdens with the issues with her sister. And, they have some major debts to still pay from M prior to them being married. So, there is not much available to pay for IF procedures and medications.
I suggested a whole slew of things to her (Femara since Clomid is causing CM issues, hence the need for the IUI), checking for other issues that could be causing annovulation (like thyroid disease and PCOS), using things like Green Tea or PreSeed for CM issues. But, she could use some advice on how to get an IUI cycle covered without too much out of pocket cost since they are on such a tight budget.
Any advice from ladies who have been there would be greatly appreciated. I can't really help her with the financial aspects of this because all I have ever had to pay were office visit co-pays for any visit or procedure done - I have a thorough prescription plan, excellent coverage and very minimal out-of-pocket expenses (i.e., all I have had to pay for were OPKs, HPTs, etc.). Just one reason I remain a slave to the State here...
Thanks a million for the help!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
A message to Rachel in California
I am looking for Rachel in California, who left me the following comment yesterday on my post I finally have an answer for these losses...
First, I wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses. As you can see from what I have written here, learning to accept things as they were for me was not easy - and I am sure they have not been easy for you either. I am not surprised you are scared now with this surprise PG - and I hope I can help you a bit here to get this one to term.
With a homozygous MTHFR gene mutation, I must say that you SHOULD be on higher doses of Folic Acid/B vitamins AT ALL TIMES, not just when TTC or PG. As you age, this is going to set you up for heart disease, blood clotting, etc. and the Folic Acid/B vitamins will help to prevent this. You should also look to be on a low-dose baby aspirin regimen. I have been on my Fabb Tablets/baby aspirin since 8/06 and have not stopped (although the baby aspirin will be temporarily halted for labor/delivery around 37 weeks).
Homocysteine levels ABSOLUTELY should be checked, regardless of what medications you are on. My MFM clinic has checked my homocysteine levels throughout this PG because they can naturally rise during PG - and, since I presented with elevated levels when this condition was first caught, they want to watch it to make sure it doesn't go up into the dangerous elevated area again. Anyone that says it should not be checked is full of crap.
Heparin will not control homocysteine levels - it prevents the blood clotting. Folgard (or similar meds - I am on Fabb Tablets), or Folic Acid, is what actually brings down the homocysteine levels. You should start back on this as soon as possible.
Please e-mail me with any other questions... I am hoping to get in touch with you to make sure you get the right care!
"Hi, I was glad to find that you have Doctors that know what they are doing. I've had 4 miscarriages 3 had gone by before I was tested for MTHFR I have the double mutation c677t.I have no way of getting back to you on this since your comment did not leave me an e-mail address and I don't see a blog associated with your profile. So, I will go back and answer your questions here until I can get in touch with you.
We got treatment with my 4th pregnancy I was injecting Heparin,taking 81mg of asprin,prometrium and Folgard which is high does folic acid and B vitamins. My pregnancy only lasted a week or two longer then the others. I planned to lose pre pregnancy weight before we tried again and taking folgard 3 months prior to ttc. But Surprise I am pregnant just took the test this weekend my Specialist is on vacation and I am stressing out on getting my meds started. I noticed on your blog that you were tested for your homocysteine level. My Doctor told me there was no need to test it since I was taking the folgard and heparin. Maybe I should stress this again can you recommend a way I should word it so that I am not at the losing end of an argument. Thank you so much for posting your story it is great inspiration and I know how much pain it cause to get you to where you are today. God bless you and your family. -Rachel in California"
First, I wanted to say I am so sorry for your losses. As you can see from what I have written here, learning to accept things as they were for me was not easy - and I am sure they have not been easy for you either. I am not surprised you are scared now with this surprise PG - and I hope I can help you a bit here to get this one to term.
With a homozygous MTHFR gene mutation, I must say that you SHOULD be on higher doses of Folic Acid/B vitamins AT ALL TIMES, not just when TTC or PG. As you age, this is going to set you up for heart disease, blood clotting, etc. and the Folic Acid/B vitamins will help to prevent this. You should also look to be on a low-dose baby aspirin regimen. I have been on my Fabb Tablets/baby aspirin since 8/06 and have not stopped (although the baby aspirin will be temporarily halted for labor/delivery around 37 weeks).
Homocysteine levels ABSOLUTELY should be checked, regardless of what medications you are on. My MFM clinic has checked my homocysteine levels throughout this PG because they can naturally rise during PG - and, since I presented with elevated levels when this condition was first caught, they want to watch it to make sure it doesn't go up into the dangerous elevated area again. Anyone that says it should not be checked is full of crap.
Heparin will not control homocysteine levels - it prevents the blood clotting. Folgard (or similar meds - I am on Fabb Tablets), or Folic Acid, is what actually brings down the homocysteine levels. You should start back on this as soon as possible.
Please e-mail me with any other questions... I am hoping to get in touch with you to make sure you get the right care!
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
On autopilot...
I will post a meaningful post soon...eventually...
Kinda on autopilot right now. Chris gifted the entire family his latest cold over the weekend...and I spent all day Saturday with a temperature that kept going back up between 100.4 and 101.0 degrees. We actually had to break down and call the doctor because even with Tylenol, it kept going back up in three hours (never had a fever in PG before). So, I was okay'ed to take the Tylenol every three hours to keep it down...
Can I tell you how much I am coveting Hubby's motrin right now???
...And NyQuil?
...And, DayQuil?
I honestly can't remember anymore when the last night of good sleep I had was... Maybe Wednesday? Last week? Not sure.
The pregnancy-related aches and pains are getting to me now... Never had anything like this with Chris because he positioned himself so high up (sure missing those feet in the ribcage now!). But, this one has taken residence much lower...and the combo of not being able to sleep from being uncomfortable from the PG and from the cold is doing me in.
Nothing beats driving in the slow lane on the GSP to get into work...and then try to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing here.
Anyone have suggestions to keep my harbinger of germs germ-free??? Or, at least less susceptible to more illnesses? This is getting very old.
However, I did have a very good nurse over the weekend... Nothing beats your almost-four-year-old singing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, patting your face, and calling you "hot mommy" when the fever spikes when you are trying to rest. Better than any Tylenol you can take.
...Although, I would much rather be "hot mommy" for other reasons. ;)
Kinda on autopilot right now. Chris gifted the entire family his latest cold over the weekend...and I spent all day Saturday with a temperature that kept going back up between 100.4 and 101.0 degrees. We actually had to break down and call the doctor because even with Tylenol, it kept going back up in three hours (never had a fever in PG before). So, I was okay'ed to take the Tylenol every three hours to keep it down...
Can I tell you how much I am coveting Hubby's motrin right now???
...And NyQuil?
...And, DayQuil?
I honestly can't remember anymore when the last night of good sleep I had was... Maybe Wednesday? Last week? Not sure.
The pregnancy-related aches and pains are getting to me now... Never had anything like this with Chris because he positioned himself so high up (sure missing those feet in the ribcage now!). But, this one has taken residence much lower...and the combo of not being able to sleep from being uncomfortable from the PG and from the cold is doing me in.
Nothing beats driving in the slow lane on the GSP to get into work...and then try to figure out what the hell I am supposed to be doing here.
Anyone have suggestions to keep my harbinger of germs germ-free??? Or, at least less susceptible to more illnesses? This is getting very old.
However, I did have a very good nurse over the weekend... Nothing beats your almost-four-year-old singing you Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, patting your face, and calling you "hot mommy" when the fever spikes when you are trying to rest. Better than any Tylenol you can take.
...Although, I would much rather be "hot mommy" for other reasons. ;)
Friday, March 21, 2008
I miss you, my sweet little girl
Today, I lost you two years ago...and I still miss you, every day, even with the joy coming into our lives in June.
I know that some of the doctors are not sure if you really were a little girl from the results of testing reports - but, I do believe you would have been my little girl. Dr. D believes it, and so do I.
I also know you have been visiting our house in the last week or so... Chris keeps mentioning that he sees an angel, a little girl named "Sarah," in the corner of our bedroom...his soon-to-be shared room with E2. And, I know he sees you...Chris has a way about him in which he senses things. He has demonstrated that several times in the past. Chris is happy when he sees "Sarah" and wants us to say hello as well, which we do. I do hope you will stay around and watch over your brothers, in their new room.
** ETA: Chris mentioned tonight that it is "Sarah's birthday" today while eating dinner. I am speechless...and, at the same time, comforted. **
I love you...and I miss you always,
Mommy
I know that some of the doctors are not sure if you really were a little girl from the results of testing reports - but, I do believe you would have been my little girl. Dr. D believes it, and so do I.
I also know you have been visiting our house in the last week or so... Chris keeps mentioning that he sees an angel, a little girl named "Sarah," in the corner of our bedroom...his soon-to-be shared room with E2. And, I know he sees you...Chris has a way about him in which he senses things. He has demonstrated that several times in the past. Chris is happy when he sees "Sarah" and wants us to say hello as well, which we do. I do hope you will stay around and watch over your brothers, in their new room.
** ETA: Chris mentioned tonight that it is "Sarah's birthday" today while eating dinner. I am speechless...and, at the same time, comforted. **
I love you...and I miss you always,
Mommy
Monday, March 17, 2008
Glad everyone's liked the belly pics...
...because my doc scolded me a little bit on the *weight* issue this morning.
Of course, I DID start this PG out much thinner than I had ever been (and about 10 lbs thinner than where I started when PG with Chris)...but, since at 28 weeks tomorrow I have already gained the 27 lbs I had gained across the entire PG with Chris, I have to try to slow that down a bit now.
Crap.
So, start asking Mother Nature to behave where the weather is concerned from now until June! I gotta throw my sneakers on and get some walking in....and use those same sneakers to walk past the cookies, brownies, etc. that tend to be floating around work because of the various seminars, workshops and meetings.
...On a good note: I get to have my Lexapro back. Yeah! Dr. D agreed that, considering all that is going on (especially the indecisiveness of my IL's on what the hell they are doing with living arrangements...that saga will continue later), it would be better to have me on a low dose for my sanity (and sleep) than to let me continue with the way things have been going (i.e., the anxiety attacks I have been having since New Year's). So, I will take my first dose (5 mgs for now) tonight when I get home. Oh, sweet relief... I don't necessarily like the idea of taking additional meds right now... But, I need my head back a bit.
Of course, I DID start this PG out much thinner than I had ever been (and about 10 lbs thinner than where I started when PG with Chris)...but, since at 28 weeks tomorrow I have already gained the 27 lbs I had gained across the entire PG with Chris, I have to try to slow that down a bit now.
Crap.
So, start asking Mother Nature to behave where the weather is concerned from now until June! I gotta throw my sneakers on and get some walking in....and use those same sneakers to walk past the cookies, brownies, etc. that tend to be floating around work because of the various seminars, workshops and meetings.
...On a good note: I get to have my Lexapro back. Yeah! Dr. D agreed that, considering all that is going on (especially the indecisiveness of my IL's on what the hell they are doing with living arrangements...that saga will continue later), it would be better to have me on a low dose for my sanity (and sleep) than to let me continue with the way things have been going (i.e., the anxiety attacks I have been having since New Year's). So, I will take my first dose (5 mgs for now) tonight when I get home. Oh, sweet relief... I don't necessarily like the idea of taking additional meds right now... But, I need my head back a bit.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Finally....some long-awaited belly pics
After long wait (sorry, I've been too tired at night to do this!), here are some belly pics for all of you. I think I finally "look the part" this time around...which is a nice change since people realize now that I am not just overweight.
First, these are my "before's" for reference...since I have not taken any belly pics until now. These pics are from about 10/06, but I have remained that same weight for a while now (actually, I was slightly thinner than these pics before getting PG with E2):
St. Gerard Feast, October 2006
Halloween, 2006
And, this is me now, at 27 weeks, 2 days (yesterday):
For additional reference, this was me PG with Chris, on my EDD of 4/29/04 (Chris was born a week later on 5/4/04):
I think I am just about the same size now, entering into the 3rd trimester, as I was on Chris' EDD. I have the same pants on, but not the same shirt (although it is grey).
I promise to post more pics in the future. :) It would be nice to document the progression - something I didn't do with my PG with Chris.
First, these are my "before's" for reference...since I have not taken any belly pics until now. These pics are from about 10/06, but I have remained that same weight for a while now (actually, I was slightly thinner than these pics before getting PG with E2):
St. Gerard Feast, October 2006
Halloween, 2006
And, this is me now, at 27 weeks, 2 days (yesterday):
For additional reference, this was me PG with Chris, on my EDD of 4/29/04 (Chris was born a week later on 5/4/04):
I think I am just about the same size now, entering into the 3rd trimester, as I was on Chris' EDD. I have the same pants on, but not the same shirt (although it is grey).
I promise to post more pics in the future. :) It would be nice to document the progression - something I didn't do with my PG with Chris.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
How can we remember ALL of our babies?
Lately, there have been quite a few losses in the blog-o-sphere that have rocked our foundations... Scared us even more when we see those two pinks lines show on a PG test or see a heartbeat on u/s. Most recently:
Natalie's loss of Devin at 35 weeks, 5 days
Alexa's loss of Ames (his twin, Simone, still fighting)
MaryEllen's loss of her triplets
Also, Allison's twins: Lennox and Zoe
I can't even begin to express how reading about these losses scares the hell out of me. Just when you think you made it past the hurdles: viability u/s's, first heartbeats, NT Scans, Level II u/s's... A baby is taken way too soon...to precious to be with us. It is heartbreaking and well beyond understanding.
I can't even imagine the pain these moms (and dads) are going through. It just shouldn't be this way.
But, there has been something bothering me...because, I hate the idea of missing someone accidentally and I don't want anyone to be left out.
There have been a few memorial candles created for some of the mommies lately...which has been such a great way to support the families, honor the babies taken much too soon, always remember the loss to our community. However, as much as I want to list every single candle created in my sidebar...I know there are many other families mourning losses too for which no candle has been created yet. Those mournings range from early PG loss...to stillbirth...to neonatal death. I don't want to see anyone who has gone through loss - either very recently or long in the past - to ever feel less than supported.
Even though each loss is so unfortunate and so unique, each precious baby should be remembered somehow...each family supported through a unified display of candles or memorials.
So, I have an idea...although I am not sure how to accomplish it since I am in no way a pro with Photoshop, etc. to create them (okay, I will confess I never used Photoshop!). And, would love the input from the community.
I would love to see a site - a blog? - created for all of the moms who have lost children in such a tragic way. Maybe list them in chronological order, with candles, under categories of miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, etc. - but have them all together? Include them all from our community and have a link we can all place on our blogs to honor all of the babies gone taken soon? I would hate to post a candle for one, and not for all - I feel it could potentially make someone feel their loss is not as important as another.
I would love feedback on this...so we can all support each other like we have demonstrated we can do well.
Natalie's loss of Devin at 35 weeks, 5 days
Alexa's loss of Ames (his twin, Simone, still fighting)
MaryEllen's loss of her triplets
Also, Allison's twins: Lennox and Zoe
I can't even begin to express how reading about these losses scares the hell out of me. Just when you think you made it past the hurdles: viability u/s's, first heartbeats, NT Scans, Level II u/s's... A baby is taken way too soon...to precious to be with us. It is heartbreaking and well beyond understanding.
I can't even imagine the pain these moms (and dads) are going through. It just shouldn't be this way.
But, there has been something bothering me...because, I hate the idea of missing someone accidentally and I don't want anyone to be left out.
There have been a few memorial candles created for some of the mommies lately...which has been such a great way to support the families, honor the babies taken much too soon, always remember the loss to our community. However, as much as I want to list every single candle created in my sidebar...I know there are many other families mourning losses too for which no candle has been created yet. Those mournings range from early PG loss...to stillbirth...to neonatal death. I don't want to see anyone who has gone through loss - either very recently or long in the past - to ever feel less than supported.
Even though each loss is so unfortunate and so unique, each precious baby should be remembered somehow...each family supported through a unified display of candles or memorials.
So, I have an idea...although I am not sure how to accomplish it since I am in no way a pro with Photoshop, etc. to create them (okay, I will confess I never used Photoshop!). And, would love the input from the community.
I would love to see a site - a blog? - created for all of the moms who have lost children in such a tragic way. Maybe list them in chronological order, with candles, under categories of miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, etc. - but have them all together? Include them all from our community and have a link we can all place on our blogs to honor all of the babies gone taken soon? I would hate to post a candle for one, and not for all - I feel it could potentially make someone feel their loss is not as important as another.
I would love feedback on this...so we can all support each other like we have demonstrated we can do well.
Prayer requests for today
I have two prayer requests today to throw out to everyone....
First, Chris' Zia is having her retrieval today - this 4th IVF cycle is going very well, and very differently from the cycles in the past. Please pray this works...transfer should be Sunday. She and S deserve this...they have been waiting to be parents for way too long. My St. Gerard candle will be lit tonight for them...
Second, on a personal front, Hubby has two job interviews coming up - first is today at 11:30 am with a good law firm and the second is Monday with a recruiting firm (the position would be for a recruiter, which he would be sooooo good at - and he got scouted for). He really could use the job change as there is still no clue to what his current boss is doing for the long haul - except that he finally moved the office much closer to home, which allows Hubby to get home at a decent hour! I don't trust nor like his current boss...so maybe my opinion is tainted. But, Hubby could really use the new job...and the extra cash coming in!
Thanks!
First, Chris' Zia is having her retrieval today - this 4th IVF cycle is going very well, and very differently from the cycles in the past. Please pray this works...transfer should be Sunday. She and S deserve this...they have been waiting to be parents for way too long. My St. Gerard candle will be lit tonight for them...
Second, on a personal front, Hubby has two job interviews coming up - first is today at 11:30 am with a good law firm and the second is Monday with a recruiting firm (the position would be for a recruiter, which he would be sooooo good at - and he got scouted for). He really could use the job change as there is still no clue to what his current boss is doing for the long haul - except that he finally moved the office much closer to home, which allows Hubby to get home at a decent hour! I don't trust nor like his current boss...so maybe my opinion is tainted. But, Hubby could really use the new job...and the extra cash coming in!
Thanks!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Why do old habits die so hard?
I am totally exhausted today... Woke up around 4 am this morning after not sleeping soundly to begin with (again)...vacillating between freezing cold and sweating... nauseous... shaky... feeling like I was coming down with some sort of stomach bug...
...But, then I realized I was missing the prerequisite stomach pains and cramps that actually DO come with a stomach virus...and the pale skin tone...and I was hungry. So, I knew what was actually happening this morning.
I allowed myself to have an anxiety attack...which I haven't had since New Year's night...and a long time before that (before starting the Lexapro I had been on).
I forgot how they felt...until now, of course, in the post-attack, zombie-like state.
And, why did I allow this to happen? After having worked so hard with counseling and such since May 2006 to get past this self-inflicted state?
Well, the main thing is that I have been worried all weekend that I haven't been feeling E2 move that much...to the point that I wasn't sure if I should call my doc and look like an ass for being completely off my rocker (not that Dr. D would think that - but, that is my line of thinking) or try to figure out why I am perceiving him not moving as much as he is.
Because, in the end, it really IS my perception - and not E2 not moving that much. This morning, as I allow myself to step back a little bit from rushing around to get everything done, I am currently getting the crap kicked out of me...for which I am extremely grateful. I spent this past weekend with a jam-packed schedule - food shopping, house cleaning, laundry, baking cookies for Chris' nursery school special church service Sunday morning, preparing food for Sunday's dinner at our house after the church service, blah, blah, blah.
Life has been much busier with this PG compared to my PG with Chris...so I tended to notice more movement during the day back then. But, then again, these are things I know I can do normally and without any issues...and should not be affecting me now.
Although, now I realize that I need to slow down a little bit...and start asking for help, which I had learned to do in the past but have been reluctant to do recently. Who knows why.
I am doing too much and not allowing enough rest in between it all. I am trying to keep everything together, between work responsibilities (which have increased with trying to prepare for maternity leave and with the firing of the Witch, trying to get Chris' private therapy covered (more on that later...but I will say now we turned down the in-district school placement based on the private evaluation we had done), getting ready for the IL's to start the addition to our house (since, yes, they will be moving in with us and will be putting a full dormer on our third floor instead of just finishing the attic as-is), getting ready for E2's arrival which includes getting the room ready, trying to help Hubby in his job search (although, at least his current boss finally moved the office much, much closer to home! No more 1+ hour commute for Hubby!) and the every-day responsibilities of home stuff.
Add to that, I am still trying to get over this second cold (I have had two different colds now straight since 1/26 and the coughing with this cold has been horrible) and I am just not sleeping well (I have been way more physically uncomfortable with this PG than I was with Chris - Charlie horses almost every morning, Restless Leg issues if I try to sleep in my bed which is forcing me to sleep on the futon, hip soreness almost all of the time). I am trying not to complain about anything at this point...but, the lack of sleep is starting to make that task difficult.
I keep thinking that maybe, with everything that is going on right now, I should just break down and ask Dr. D to start me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro... I have been trying very hard to avoid that - although he has left the decision up to me with the caveat that is would be best not to be on anything since I am on other meds as it is. But, do I try to push on three more months this way and risk more anxiety issues coming up, or just bite the bullet and start taking the meds again to calm myself down?
Not sure what I should do here...although I know I need to really start doing something soon, before my house starts getting ripped apart. I want to do what is best for E2...and Chris...and me. But, I hate to consider meds now...as I am hitting 27 weeks today and in the last trimester of this PG. Makes me feel like a failure...
...But, then I realized I was missing the prerequisite stomach pains and cramps that actually DO come with a stomach virus...and the pale skin tone...and I was hungry. So, I knew what was actually happening this morning.
I allowed myself to have an anxiety attack...which I haven't had since New Year's night...and a long time before that (before starting the Lexapro I had been on).
I forgot how they felt...until now, of course, in the post-attack, zombie-like state.
And, why did I allow this to happen? After having worked so hard with counseling and such since May 2006 to get past this self-inflicted state?
Well, the main thing is that I have been worried all weekend that I haven't been feeling E2 move that much...to the point that I wasn't sure if I should call my doc and look like an ass for being completely off my rocker (not that Dr. D would think that - but, that is my line of thinking) or try to figure out why I am perceiving him not moving as much as he is.
Because, in the end, it really IS my perception - and not E2 not moving that much. This morning, as I allow myself to step back a little bit from rushing around to get everything done, I am currently getting the crap kicked out of me...for which I am extremely grateful. I spent this past weekend with a jam-packed schedule - food shopping, house cleaning, laundry, baking cookies for Chris' nursery school special church service Sunday morning, preparing food for Sunday's dinner at our house after the church service, blah, blah, blah.
Life has been much busier with this PG compared to my PG with Chris...so I tended to notice more movement during the day back then. But, then again, these are things I know I can do normally and without any issues...and should not be affecting me now.
Although, now I realize that I need to slow down a little bit...and start asking for help, which I had learned to do in the past but have been reluctant to do recently. Who knows why.
I am doing too much and not allowing enough rest in between it all. I am trying to keep everything together, between work responsibilities (which have increased with trying to prepare for maternity leave and with the firing of the Witch, trying to get Chris' private therapy covered (more on that later...but I will say now we turned down the in-district school placement based on the private evaluation we had done), getting ready for the IL's to start the addition to our house (since, yes, they will be moving in with us and will be putting a full dormer on our third floor instead of just finishing the attic as-is), getting ready for E2's arrival which includes getting the room ready, trying to help Hubby in his job search (although, at least his current boss finally moved the office much, much closer to home! No more 1+ hour commute for Hubby!) and the every-day responsibilities of home stuff.
Add to that, I am still trying to get over this second cold (I have had two different colds now straight since 1/26 and the coughing with this cold has been horrible) and I am just not sleeping well (I have been way more physically uncomfortable with this PG than I was with Chris - Charlie horses almost every morning, Restless Leg issues if I try to sleep in my bed which is forcing me to sleep on the futon, hip soreness almost all of the time). I am trying not to complain about anything at this point...but, the lack of sleep is starting to make that task difficult.
I keep thinking that maybe, with everything that is going on right now, I should just break down and ask Dr. D to start me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro... I have been trying very hard to avoid that - although he has left the decision up to me with the caveat that is would be best not to be on anything since I am on other meds as it is. But, do I try to push on three more months this way and risk more anxiety issues coming up, or just bite the bullet and start taking the meds again to calm myself down?
Not sure what I should do here...although I know I need to really start doing something soon, before my house starts getting ripped apart. I want to do what is best for E2...and Chris...and me. But, I hate to consider meds now...as I am hitting 27 weeks today and in the last trimester of this PG. Makes me feel like a failure...
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Oh, dear...when will this fruit-loop finally go away?
Ah...Just when you think things are over, the fruit-loop (aka, the witch, aka the ex-Associate Director who was fired) sends this directly to me:
Why do I not believe I will not be named in any part of the grievances she has filed?
Because she is an unstable molecule... We'll have to see where this goes now.
Dear --,So, I know she filed a grievance with the university...and certainly not surprised she filed one against my Director, who is one of the SWEETEST men (think of grandfatherly boss) you could ever meet! But, sending me personal e-mails...considering I have not spoken to her since August 2007???
I am writing to let you know that I filed a grievance against XXX for things he did that were rather creepy and they have nothing whatsoever to do with you or for that matter anyone else at YYY. I always said and continue to say that you have been helpful to me especially after I made those specific requests on how you could help me. I thought I should let you know this as I would hate to cause you more stress than you already have. I wish you the best of health and good luck in everything. Bye
Regards,
ZZZ
Why do I not believe I will not be named in any part of the grievances she has filed?
Because she is an unstable molecule... We'll have to see where this goes now.
In search of a new blog designer
So...I found out today that the designer of my current blog template is no longer going to be supporting the images of the designs she had done past June 2008.
Crap.
So, I am looking at replacing my template now...which is okay, because I had been thinking it might be time for a change anyway. My life is moving in a new direction now - new baby arriving in June, Chris starting Pre-K (OH MY GOD!!!!!) in the fall, the formal end of TTC because I just don't think I could handle the stress and worry of trying for a third child.
So, any suggestions of a reputable custom template designer would be appreciated. :) I need a makeover...
Crap.
So, I am looking at replacing my template now...which is okay, because I had been thinking it might be time for a change anyway. My life is moving in a new direction now - new baby arriving in June, Chris starting Pre-K (OH MY GOD!!!!!) in the fall, the formal end of TTC because I just don't think I could handle the stress and worry of trying for a third child.
So, any suggestions of a reputable custom template designer would be appreciated. :) I need a makeover...
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