Thursday, March 13, 2008

How can we remember ALL of our babies?

Lately, there have been quite a few losses in the blog-o-sphere that have rocked our foundations... Scared us even more when we see those two pinks lines show on a PG test or see a heartbeat on u/s. Most recently:

Natalie's loss of Devin at 35 weeks, 5 days
Alexa's loss of Ames (his twin, Simone, still fighting)
MaryEllen's loss of her triplets
Also, Allison's twins: Lennox and Zoe

I can't even begin to express how reading about these losses scares the hell out of me. Just when you think you made it past the hurdles: viability u/s's, first heartbeats, NT Scans, Level II u/s's... A baby is taken way too precious to be with us. It is heartbreaking and well beyond understanding.

I can't even imagine the pain these moms (and dads) are going through. It just shouldn't be this way.

But, there has been something bothering me...because, I hate the idea of missing someone accidentally and I don't want anyone to be left out.

There have been a few memorial candles created for some of the mommies lately...which has been such a great way to support the families, honor the babies taken much too soon, always remember the loss to our community. However, as much as I want to list every single candle created in my sidebar...I know there are many other families mourning losses too for which no candle has been created yet. Those mournings range from early PG neonatal death. I don't want to see anyone who has gone through loss - either very recently or long in the past - to ever feel less than supported.

Even though each loss is so unfortunate and so unique, each precious baby should be remembered somehow...each family supported through a unified display of candles or memorials.

So, I have an idea...although I am not sure how to accomplish it since I am in no way a pro with Photoshop, etc. to create them (okay, I will confess I never used Photoshop!). And, would love the input from the community.

I would love to see a site - a blog? - created for all of the moms who have lost children in such a tragic way. Maybe list them in chronological order, with candles, under categories of miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, etc. - but have them all together? Include them all from our community and have a link we can all place on our blogs to honor all of the babies gone taken soon? I would hate to post a candle for one, and not for all - I feel it could potentially make someone feel their loss is not as important as another.

I would love feedback on we can all support each other like we have demonstrated we can do well.


DD said...

I started a blog that has a candle lit for each month and a list of dates for the babies gone. The Maternal Heart's Essence. I have it so those who want their pregnancies and babies remembered would send me a requset to have them added. I felt intrusive adding them on my own w/o permission, but that could just be me.

ilyse said...

I think this is a great idea and I will definitely be participating in whatever is done. It is such a nice way to honor our lost children and to show them that will always be loved and remembered.

For me you could not have chosen a more appropriate time of year as my unborn lost child would be 4 years old next week.

Kathy V said...

I like that idea. It isn't that my heart doesn't go out to these people, but some people joined the blogging world after their loss. I like the idea of a single place that lists all of them as a way to remember.

JJ said...

Great idea--as you and Mel talked about, there are some bloggers I dont know as well, so Id love to be able to support all equally. Let me know how I can help!

Geohde said...

Great idea- who would maintain it though? Is there anyone up for the task? :)

The categories issue could be a bit of a problem, too. My loss was a decision to end the pregnancy because of lethal anomoly. Neither a stillbirth and absolutely NOT a m/c.


nutmeg96 said...

I think this is a great idea. I don't think we'd have to categorize very specifically -- maybe "early loss," "second trimester loss," "stillbirth," "neonatal death," ... anything else?

If we could get a team of a few women together to maintain such a site, I'd be happy to help.

Isn't it pretty to think so said...

Hello, What a beautiful idea. i would like to help.

baby~amore' said...

what a wonderful idea - a banner we can all display to link to a group memorial blog.

I think just to have them listed monthly - categorising seems to be hard in some circumstances like geohde said... some might feel others will sit in judgement if placed under that category.

Others may feel their loss is lessened comparing miscarriage with full term loss.Not that I do by any means. A loss is a loss ...

I believe that as bereaved parents we are forced sometimes to dig deep and find that extra something that gets us through but having support from those who have walked the same path can assist us when our families of friends can't.

How we got there doesn't matter but leave it up to them if they chose to a snippet of their story.

Smiling said...

I like the idea as well...

As I was reading what you wrote I had an imagine of something branching (a tree, river tributaries...) where each candle could be added and the map of loss and remembers would grow. Rather than a linear list, each baby being remembered would have a special place that you could click on (or hover over) for any parts of story their family wants to share.

Just a thought...

STE said...

This is a wonderful idea!

I may be a bit late on this, but it occurs to me that the "Maternal" part of the name may leave out fathers who are grieving and want to remember or come together with others who have experienced loss.

Certainly the vast majority of IF/PG/Loss bloggers are female, but I wonder if there is a way to include men or simple "parent" in some way.

Just a thought. Thank you for all the work you've all put into this.