Countdown to my EDD-not-to-be next week

....Five days until my EDD from my November miscarriage. And, I am so unsure of how I am going to be that day...I am scared of losing it completely. June 27th should be a happy day - My mom turns 60 years old. Yet, the day is going to be overshadowed by one of three losses I have had in less than two years.

Things are just so different than what they should be right now...

• We are taking down Chris' crib within the next two weeks to make way for his twin bed...We should have been moving Chris' room and prepping the crib for our new baby...
• I should be off on maternity leave, enjoying a break from work and a summer off with my babies...
• I should be waiting for labor to start, not going through different medical tests for things that came up since the last miscarriage...
• I should be happy to be bringing home a new addition to our family, not grieving for three babies we have lost.

I miss my babies... And, it hurts so much to know I will never hold them here in this world. I know they are with me always...I feel that connection when I touch or look at my bracelet every day. But, the one thing this bracelet will never replace is being able to touch them, to kiss them, to watch them grow.

I am trying so hard to put my faith back in God...to trust that when the time is right, another miracle will come to us. But, in five days, I will have that reminder of how one of my miracles was taken from me. How can I not be angry at God for taking my babies away?

I have so many blessing in my life... Chris is funnier and smarter than ever, the Hubby has been very understanding of everything I am trying to get through, my bosses have been understanding of the time I need off, my family and friends who know have been so supportive. And, I have an answer for my babies being gone from me...and hope from Dr. D that another miracle will come to us. And, I live through that right now.

But, I miss my babies. What more can I say?